MSTed: Men in Black 1/4
M Sampo
1....2....3.....4.....5.....6 <clunk>
[SOL]
(Mike is standing alone at the desk. As he walks slowly stage left, he
sings)
MIKE (singing): I wanna know...... (He comes upon Tom, who is holding
little dumbbells in his hands.)
TOM (earnestly): I wanna know the best way to stay fit!
MIKE (cheerfully): Sorry, chubby, can't help ya!
TOM (offended): Hey!
(Mike ignores him and walks stage right past the desk to find Crow, who is
sitting and gazing off into the distance.)
MIKE (again singing): I-I-I-I wanna know-oh-oh!!
CROW (seriously): I wanna know how to meet that special someone.
MIKE (again cheerfully): No way, loser. You'll never know the touch of a
woman.
CROW (shocked): Mike! That wasn't very nice.
(Mike ignores him and walks back to the desk where Gypsy is waiting. She
is wearing a hat.)
MIKE (singing): I-I-I-I wanna know-oh-oh....
GYPSY: I wanna know about Rogaine with Minoxadil!!!
MIKE (to the camera): Anybody else?
(Crow and Tom come shooting in from each side, both are wearing hats.)
CROW and TOM: Sure!!
MIKE: Well, why's that?
CROW, TOM & GYPSY: Because...(Their hats fly off and we can see they are
wearing bald wigs underneath)...WE'RE BALD!!
MIKE (horrified): ARRRGGGGGHHH!!! (he rushes out, commercial sign light)
CROW, TOM & GYPSY: Hmm. (cut to spaghetti ball.)
[Commercial]
(Coming out of commercial, Mike is taking the bald wigs off the bots)
MIKE: That was not funny guys...
CROW: Oh sure it was, Mike....why? Is balding an issue for you? Hmmm?
(giggles)
TOM: Yeah, Mike, getting a bit thin up there? (snickering)
MIKE: NO! Well, yeah, but it's not a big deal....(the bots
snicker)...really!! (they snicker louder) I mean it! (Deep 13 light
flashes) Uh-oh, Mel Cooley's calling. (Taps the button)
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: (Face right in the camera, he is wearing a bald wig): Well, as
usual, Nelson, your bot-like appendages are behind the curve. But you and
I, Mike, we know better. Bald is where it's at right now. Bald is hot!
Look at Patrick Stewart! He's got no trouble getting women! And Bruce
Willis! He shaves his head and suddenly he's hip again! Even Sinead is
sneaking back into the limelight! And why? Baldness, Mike. It's a bald,
bald world, Nelson, and you and I can control it.
[SOL]
MIKE: Uh, me? Control the world? With you? I dunno...um...how?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F (face in camera): With this! (camera pulls back to reveal about a
dozen little audioanimatronic dolls, each dressed in a different national
garb, all of them bald): Yes! I slipped into DisneyLand last night and
made a few adjustments on the "It's A Small World" ride! (laughs evilly) I
removed its outdated, saccharine peaon to multinationalism and replaced it
with a sentiment that speaks to today's generation!!!! (He pushes a button
and leers evilly as the dolls start moving jerkily and singing)
Dolls (singing): It's a world of baldness, a world of hate/
It's a world of evil, a world of pate/
Ugly death everywhere; it is time to despair/
It's a bald world after aaaalllll..../
It's a bald world after all,/
It's a bald world after all, (and it goes on as Dr. F steps in front of
them again)
Dr. F: So you see, Nelson, it's just a matter of time until I rule the
world. And you....you can join me and sit at my right hand as I rule!
[SOL]
(Mike, Tom and Crow are stupified, staring straight ahead, their mouths
hanging open.)
MIKE, TOM and CROW: (monotonally) Yes...We will join you, Dr. Forrester.
We understand now. You are wise. You will lead us. You are all powerful.
You are master......(then they suddenly break) PSYCH!!!! (They crack up
laughing and begin congratulating each other).
[Deep 13]
Dr. F (furious): Why....you....Okay, fine! I'll rule the world by myself!
And while I'm doing it, YOU can enjoy this ponderous pachyderm of a
posting from our always loveable friends at alt.conspiracy! And I hope it
gives you a hairball! (pushes button)
[SOL]
(movie sign lights flash, buzzer sounds)
MIKE, TOM and CROW: AHHHHHH!!!! POSTING SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (They rush
off)
6....5.....4......3......2......1......
(and they are taking their seats)
MIKE (muttering): ...maybe that hair in a spray can would help...(bots
snicker)
>Subject: Men In Black (1/2)
TOM: The Johnny Cash Story.
>From: an17...@anon.penet.fi
CROW: Oh, okay, just so long as we know who it's from...
>Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 20:35:01 UTC
>Message-ID: <205800Z...@anon.penet.fi>
>(INPUT 001)
MIKE: Good morning, Mr. Phelps...
>"I went into the fantastic and came up with the answer," declared
>Albert Bender, the former director of the International Flying
>Saucer Bureau, one of numerous amateur UFO organizations
>prevalent during the '50's and '60's, this one being based in
>Connecticut. "I know what the flying saucers are,"
TOM: It's a cook book!!!
> Bender
>stated; unfortunately, the rest of the world at that time was
>still none-the-wiser, for Bender was prevented from passing on
his discoveries by three sinister visitors: three men dressed in
black, known as the 'silencers.'
MIKE: Starring Dean Martin, as Matt Helm.
CROW: Cool!
>It was Bender's intention to publish his remarkable findings
>in his own journal, 'SPACE REVIEW', but before committing himself
>finally,
TOM: To the Sunnydale Home for the Loopy....
CROW (chanting): They're coming to take me away, ha-ha...
> he felt he ought to try his ideas out on a colleague.
he mailed the report - and a few days later the 'men' came.
CROW (panting and moaning): Oh god....Oh god....I'm...I'm gonna...
MIKE (grabbing him): THAT will be quite enough...
TOM: Cigarette, Crow?
>Bender was lying down in his bedroom, having been overtaken
>by a spell of dizziness,
TOM: A fifth of Old Overcoat will do that to you.
> when he noticed "...three shadowy
>figures in the room.
MIKE: It was Tony Orlando and Dawn! Let's hear it for 'em. (Crow and Tom
make
crowd cheering noises.)
> The figures became clearer. All of them
>were dressed in black clothes. They looked like clergymen, but
>wore hats similar to Homburg style.
TOM: The Hat Squad! In color!
CROW: So The Blue Brothers broke into his house?
> The faces were not clearly
>discernible, for the hats partly hid and shaded them. Feelings
>of fear left me... The eyes of all three figures suddenly lit up
MIKE, CROW and TOM: Surprise!! (singing) Happy Birthday to you...
>like flashlight bulbs, and all these were focused upon me. They
>seemed to burn into my very soul as the pains above my eyes
>became almost unbearable.
TOM: Those eyes....weird.....
> It was then I sensed that they were
>conveying a message to me by telepathy."
CROW (whispering): He IS the kwisatz hederach....
>His visitors confirmed that Bender was right in his
>speculations as to the true nature of UFO's - one of them was
>carrying Bender's report - and provided additional information.
MIKE: Such as the location of his car keys he'd lost several weeks ago.
>This so terrified him that he was only too willing to go along
>with their demand that he close down his organization and cease
>in the publication of his journal. He was instructed not to tell
>the truth to anyone 'on his honor as an American citizen.'
TOM (chuckling): He had an extra on the streets within hours.
>Years later as a result of the persistent prodding of Gray
>Barker
MIKE: Ow! Cut it out! Ow! Ow!! Quit prodding me!
> and other colleagues Bender provided some additional
>details which appeared in Barker's book, 'THEY KNEW TOO MUCH
>ABOUT FLYING SAUCERS'.
CROW: Well, as long as it's a respected scientific treatise.
> Bender later published his own work
>titled: 'FLYING SAUCERS AND THE THREE MEN,'
MIKE, TOM & CROW (together): ...AND A LITTLE LADY.
> which reads like a
>science fiction thriller complete with descriptions of
>interplanetary travel and bases, teleportation and manipulation
>of matter, evil powers of darkness, underground cities beneath
>Antarctica, grotesque inhuman creatures, etc.,
MIKE: ....Betazoid counsellors in skin-tight uniforms....
> along with a
>secret human society apparently very actively engaged in occult-
>technology as well as other bizarre scenarios. It has been
>suggested by some that the implausibility of Bender's story is
>designed to throw serious UFO investigators off the track.
CROW: Or he could just be a loony...
>Perhaps Bender was 'allowed' to write a fact-fiction account
>which instead of concealing the truth behind UFO's rather tended
>to throw ridicule on the whole subject, and in effect serve the
>same purpose that censorship would have led to.
TOM: And it's TOUGH to make a UFO investigator look foolish...
> It is possible
>that the 'three men' fed Bender with certain propagandist
>discourses designed for this very purpose. Then again, perhaps
>what Bender wrote was basically true after all? As they say,
>'Truth is often stranger than fiction.'
MIKE: And if you can't believe an old saying, what can you believe?
>Daniel Cohen, in his work: 'MONSTERS, GIANTS AND LITTLE MEN
>FROM MARS - AN UNNATURAL HISTORY OF THE AMERICAS' (Doubleday &
>Co. Inc., Garden City, N.Y 1975),
CROW: This guy's bookshelves must be really entertaining...
> adds some interesting and
>valuable insights necessary to help us understand where the 'Men
>In Black' originate from.
TOM: From a place where a preposition is a good thing to end a sentence
on?
>He says:
>"The shiny new cars associated with 'MIBS' is reminiscent of
>the Haitian belief in an evil society of sorcerers called ZOBOPS.
MIKE (singing): Zobops, zobops.....
CROW and TOM (chiming in): Yadadadadadadadadadadada....
>Haitians say that if you see a big new car going along the road
>(apparently) without a driver it is under the control of the
>ZOBOPS, and you had better not try to interfere with it."
CROW: So he's propping up his thesis with a Haitian gag springing from
class
envy and the popularity of tinted windows??
>In his book, 'THE ALIEN WORLD' (MacDonald & Co. Pub.,
>London. 1988),
TOM: Yet another best seller...
>Peter Brookesmith gives some more revealing
>details concerning these elusive 'Men In Black':
MIKE: Elusive? Seems like if you print something about UFO's they show
right
up!
>"The archetypal MIB report runs something like this: shortly
>after a UFO sighting, the subject - he may be a witness, he may
>be an investigator on the case - receives a visit.
CROW: ...from Zsa Zsa Gabor.
TOM: Oh, how horrible!
> Often it
>occurs so soon after the incident that no official report or
>media publication has taken place: in short, the visitors should
>not, by any normal channels, have gained access to the
>information they clearly possess - names, addresses,
MIKE: ...measurements...
> details of
>the incident and about the people involved.
>"The victim is nearly always alone at the time of the visit,
>usually in his own home. His visitors, usually three in number,
>arrive in a large black car. In America it is most often a
>prestigious Cadillac, but seldom a recent model.
CROW: In Belgiam, it's a Pinto. In Sri Lanka, it's a Corvair, In
Finland...
MIKE: Okay, Crow.
> At the same
>time, though old in date, it is likely to be new and immaculate
>in appearance and condition, inside and out, even having that
>unmistakable 'new car' smell.
All: Mmmmm....
TOM: I love that...
> If the subject notes the
>registration number and checks it, it is invariably found to be a
>non-existent number.
TOM: Avagadro's registration...
>"The visitors themselves are almost always men: only very
>rarely is one a woman, and never more than one.
CROW: Uh...except sometimes...and once in a while there's a dog.
> In appearance
>they conform pretty close to the stereotyped image of a CIA or
>secret service man. They wear dark suits, dark hats, dark ties,
>dark shoes and socks,
TOM: Dark Joe Namath netted slingshot briefs...
> but white shirts: witnesses often remark on
>their clean, immaculate turn-out, all the clothing looking as
>though just purchased.
MIKE: Oh great, the aliens have a clothing allowance....
>"The visitors' faces are frequently described as vaguely
>foreign, most often 'oriental': slant eyes have been specified in
>many accounts.
MIKE (tense): So they MUST be up to no good...
> If not dark skinned, the men are likely to be
>heavily tanned. Sometimes there are bizarre touches..."
CROW: ...such as Beavis and Butthead cufflinks...
>According to Brookesmith, "The MIBS are generally unsmiling
>and expressionless, their movements stiff and awkward. Their
>general demeanor is formal, cold, sinister, even menacing: there
>is no warmth or friendliness shown, even if their is no outright
>hostility either. Witnesses often hint that they felt their
>visitors were not human at all.
All (as Arnold): I'll be back!
>"Some MIBS proffer evidence of identity; indeed, they
>sometimes appear in U.S. Air Force or other uniforms. They
>produce identity cards, but since most persons would not know a
>genuine CIA or other 'secret' service identity card if they saw
>one,
MIKE: including me...
> this proves nothing. If they give their names, and the
>witness subsequently checks them, they are invariably found to be
>false.
>"This interview is sometimes an interrogation, sometimes
>simply a warning.
CROW: ...sometimes a lewd suggestion...
>Either way, the visitors, even though they are
>asking questions, are clearly well-informed, with access to
>restricted information. They speak in perfect, almost too
>perfect, intonation and phrasing,
TOM (carefully): The aliens in Spain stay mainly on the plain...
CROW (as Higgins): I think you've got it!
> and their language is apt to be
>reminiscent of the conventional villains of crime films --
>'Again, Mr. Stiff, I fear you are not being honest!',
MIKE (chuckling): Uh, honey, don't call me Mr. Stiff in front of
company...
> 'Mr. Veich,
>it would be unwise of you to mail that report' - immediately
>suggesting the unctuous threatener beloved of Hollywood writers.
CROW (British accent): I'd sure hate to see your paratroops catch fire!
>"The visit almost invariably concluded with a warning not to
>tell anybody about the incident if the subject is a UFO
>percipient, or to abandon the investigation if he is an
>investigator.
TOM: Or to stop clowning around if he is a clown...
> Violence is often threatened. And the MIBs depart
>as suddenly as they came. "Most well-informed UFO enthusiasts,
CROW: Which is to say "me"...
>if asked to describe a typical MIB visit, would give some such account
>as the foregoing.
MIKE: ...because I threatened to hurt them if they didn't.
>However, a comparative examination indicates that such 'perfect'
>MIB visits seldom occur in practice. Study of 32 or more
>detailed and reliable cases reveals that many details diverge
>from the archetypal story: there were no visitors at all in four
>cases, only telephone calls; and, of the remainder, only five
involved three men, two involved four, five involved two,
TOM: Eight involved six, 15 involved 27...
>while in the rest there was only a single visitor.
CROW: ...an iguana named Larry.
>"Although the appearance or behavior of the visitors does
>seem generally to conform to the prototype, it ranges from the
>entirely natural to the totally bizarre.
MIKE: In eight cases, Perry Como was the visitor, in nine others, it was
Petula Clark...
> The car, despite the
>fact that in America it is by far the commonest means of
transportation, is in fact mentioned in only one third of the
reports; as for the picturesque details - the Cadillac, the
antiquated model, the immaculate condition - these are in
practice very much the exception.
CROW: What, no new car smell?
Tom and MIKE: Booooo!!!
> Of 22 American reports, only
nine mention a car; of these only three were Cadillacs, only two
were specified as black and only two as out-of-date models.
"On the other hand, these archetypal details tend to be more
conspicuous in less reliable cases, particularly those in which
investigators, rather than UFO percipients, are involved.
TOM: Those pesky investigators never seem to get the story right.
MIKE: What's a percipient?
> This
>will be relevant when we come to consider possible explanations
>for the MIB phenomena."
MIKE: Swamp gas.
>In July of 1967, Robert Richardson of Toledo, Ohio, informed
>the Aerial Phenomena Research Organization (APRO) that he had
>collided with a UFO while driving at night.
(All snicker)
TOM (as drunk): It darted right out in front of me, ossifer!
> After coming around
>a bend, he was immediately confronted by a strange object
>blocking the road. Unable to halt in time, his car hit the
>object, although not very hard.
CROW: And I, for one, believe him!
> Immediately on impact, the UFO
>vanished. Police who accompanied Richardson to the scene could
>find only his own skid marks, but on a later visit, he found a
>small lump of metal which he thought might have come from the
>UFO.
MIKE (as Tonto): UFO scat...two, three days old....
>Three days later, at about 11:00 P.M., two men "in their
>twenties" appeared at Richardson's home and questioned him for
>about 10 minutes.
CROW (quickly, forcefully): Who was the first actor ever to win an Oscar
for
the role of monster...
MIKE: Well, I--
TOM (the same): How many home runs did Babe Ruth hit in 1937?
MIKE: Um, well--
CROW: What short-lived TV series of the 1960s starred Richard Benjamin and
Paula Prentiss?
MIKE: Oh, I think--
TOM: Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? Ooops! Our ten minutes is up! Bye!
> They did not identify themselves, and
>Richardson - to his own later surprise - did not ask who they
>were. They were not unfriendly, gave no warnings, just asked
>questions. He noted that they left in a black 1953 Cadillac -
CROW: ...with Suzanne Sommers in the back.
TOM (whispering): Crow, that was a Thunderibird!
CROW: Whatever....
>that is, a 14-year-old model: the number, when checked, was found
>not yet to have been issued, proving that whatever or whoever his
>visitors were, they were more than likely impostors of some sort.
MIKE: Or the dickweed copied down the number wrong...
>A week later, Richardson received a second visit from two
>DIFFERENT man, who arrived in a current model Dodge.
TOM: I think everybody has owned a 1967 Dodge at some point...
> They wore
>black suits and were dark complexioned: although one spoke
>perfect English, the other had an accent, and Richardson felt
>there was something vaguely foreign about them.
CROW (as old farmer): You ferigners git off mah land!
> At first they
>seemed to be trying to persuade him that he had not in fact hit
>anything at all, but they asked for the piece of metal. When he
>told them it had been passed to APRO for analysis, they
>threatened him with the following words: "If you want your wife
>to stay as pretty as she is, then you'd better get the metal
>back."
TOM (as hick): But mah wife is uglier than a hound dog!
>The existence of the metal was known only to Richardson and
>his wife, and two senior members of APRO;
CROW: And anybody who read the story about it in the Hooterville Gazette.
> presumably the only way
>the strangers could have learned about it's existence would be by
>tapping either his or APRO's telephone.
MIKE: Wait--if they had been tapping his phone, they would have known he
gave
them the metal...
CROW: Mike, Mike, when will you learn not to try force these people to
make
sense?
> There was no clear
>connection between the two pairs of visitors: but what both had
>in common was access to information that was not freely and
>publicly available.
TOM: And a veiled reference to the TV show "He & She."
> And it may be that this is the key to the
>MIB mystery.
TOM: Well, it's gonna haveta wait...we gotta go. (they all rise and leave)
1....2....3....4....5....6.....(clunk)
[SOL]
(Mike is stand alone at the desk, then Tom, Crow and Gypsy enter from
left. All are wearing dark clothes, sunglasses, and homburg hats)
MIKE (humming to himself, straightening the desk, not noticing them): It's
a bald world after...(he turns and sees them)...yaaaahhh! What the...
CROW (like a gangster): We have a MESSAGE for you, Nelson! And you better
listen ya know what's good for ya!
TOM and GYPSY: Yeah!
MIKE: Oh, I get it. You guys are the Men in Black from the post. Okay,
I'll play along. (pretending to be scared) Okay! Don't hurt me! What's
your message!
CROW: We know all about what you're up to. We know about the Jim Backus
connection. We know how Marilu Henner is involved. And we've come here to
say: cut it out.
MIKE: Um...cut it out?
CROW: You know...Quit it. Lay off.
TOM and GYPSY: Yeah!
MIKE: So...you want me to cease my investigations, destroy all my records
and never speak a word to anyone about it or ever mention your visit?
CROW: um...no...(Tom and Gypsy shake their heads)
MIKE (confused): Wait...well...then what do you want me to stop?
TOM: We want ya... (pauses dramatically)...to stop cutting our b'loney
sammiches diagonally. It's weird!
CROW and GYPSY: Yeah!
GYPSY: Or else!
MIKE (looks at the camera, rolls his eyes up): Oh, boy...(commercial sign
light flashes). We'll be right back...(taps button)...what's wrong with
diagonal slicing...?
(and fade into spagetti ball bumper and into commercial)
[Commercial]
Sampo
=======================================================
I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has
given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom, culminating
in my current Zarathustrian sense of self. Is that it?
=======================================================