MiSTed: Murder One [1/4]
Robert Mobbs
both help me grow.
Enjoy.
Robert Mobbs
mo...@cyberspace.com
===========================
(We open on the SOL. Joel, Crow, and Tom are all in what appears to
be camping gear. There is a candle burning on the table, and the
three are staring at it solemnly. We can see a small bit of canvas
just slightly off-camera)
[Joel] You know guys, it doesn't get any better than this.
[Crow] Ah, bite me. I'm cold, there're mosquitos out here, and
Gypsy pitched the tent in a field of Poison Ivy!
[Joel] Oh, Crow, all you do is complain. After a while your particular
brand of jaunty, good-natured sarcasm begins to annoy even me.
[Tom] Yeah? You don't have to share a tent with him! He's up all
night, practicing his biting witticisms until dawn!
[Crow] I am not! They are spontaneous and bitingly fun!
[Tom] Crow, you mean "funny."
[Crow] Oh, yeah. (He looks down at a piece of paper) You're right! It
does say "funny." How odd.
[Joel] Anyway, why don't you just try and enjoy yourself? Look at the
stars, roast a marshmallow, or even take a nap!
[Crow] I hate the stars, roasted marshmallows stick to my beak, and Tom
peed in the sleeping bag.
[Tom] I did not! I just...uh...spilled some water!
[Crow] Yeah, after you drank it.
[Tom] Oh yeah? Well you sleep with a Teddy Bear!
[Crow] I DO NOT!!
[Tom] Then what was that soft and fuzzy thing I kept bumping into last
night?
[Crow] Soft and fuzzy thing?
(A bear paw reaches into frame and grabs Crow, yanking him out of the
picture. Crow's screams drift through the air as the light begins to
flash)
[Joel] Uh-oh! The Ranger Dan's are calling!
(Deep 13)
[Dr. F] Sorry to see things are getting a little...grizzly up there,
nature Bob. But we here on Deep 13 have a particular piece of
net garbage that might make you forget about your immediate
tribbles.
[Frank] Um, sir, that's troubles.
[Dr. F] Huh? (He looks down at a piece of paper) Oh...you're right.
Ah, get on with the invention estrange!
[Frank] (whispering) Exchange, sir...
(Back on the SOL, Crow and Tom are both holding video controllers, and
jumping about, apparently involved in an exciting game on a monitor we
cannot see)
[Joel] Well sirs, my invention is based upon the fact that the video game
industry is a turmoil-filled world with factional elements from
both the pro-gaming group and the anti-violence group clashing
on a daily basis.
[Crow] Sometimes twice on a daily basis.
[Joel] That's right, little buddy. These two factions just can't seem
to agree. Some want gore, some want morality...So I have come
up with a solution...let's mix the two!
(Deep 13)
[Dr. F and Frank] Mix the two??
(SOL)
(Crow and Tom are still playing)
[Joel] That's right. Take for instance the game Mortal Kombat...
for most parents, it's too violent. Those special moves are
so gory! But if you just make a small change...
[Crow] Oooh! Raiden's doing his special "Turn the Other Cheek" move!
[Tom] Yeah, but Sub-Zero's gonna kick your butt with his "Bake Sale for
the Homeless" surprise attack!
(They go back to playing in silence)
[Joel] And instead of fatalities, you have a much more moral and uplifting
end when you have effectively shown your brother the wrongs of his
ways...
[Crow] (in a James Earl Jones voice) Heh, Servo...I have you now!
[Tom] Oh, no! Not...Total Forgiveness!
(heavenly music erupts from the PC speakers...)
[Joel] And for the avid sports fans, there are the new "Underlying Morals"
Track and Field games for your PC or Macintosh!
(Crow and Tom are playing again)
[Tom] Hey, how'd you win?? Your footprints aren't even on the track!!
[Crow] Well, Tom, it was then that He was carrying me.
[Tom] Ohhh...
[Joel] Whaddaya think, sirs?
(SOL)
{Dr. F] So, what's my, per se, "motivation" for this scene?
[Frank] Well, basically to be evil, sir.
[Dr. F] Ahh...I see. So I hit you repeatedly with this hammer (brings hammer
into scene) and then chuckle at you in a, let's see...sinister
fashion?
[Frank] Yes.
[Dr. F] Well, here goes...(he pounds Frank down out of the frame).
Ha-ha....ha....ha?
(pause)
[Dr. F] Um, how was that?
[Frank] (from the floor, where we can't see him) We'll call you.
[Dr. F] (to the camera) Nice work, Oral Roberts. But this piece of work
will take the wind out of your brotherly-love sails! It's from
alt.startrek.creative and it's entitled Murder One! So sit back,
relax, and employ!
[Frank] (still on floor) Enjoy, sir.
[Dr. F] (looks at the hammer, then grins at the camera. He raises the
hammer...)
(SOL)
{All] Ahh! We got STAR TREK sign!!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
: From cyberspace.com!news.sprintlink.net!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!cis.ksu.edu!jfy Fri Nov 18 15:34:00 1994
: Path: cyberspace.com!news.sprintlink.net!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!newsfeed.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!cis.ksu.edu!jfy
[Crow] (stilted voice) I...um...hear those guys at Cyberspace are way cool.
[Joel] (same voice) Yeah, me too.
[Tom] (coughs uncomfortably)
: From: j...@cis.ksu.edu (Joseph F. Young)
[Tom] Hey, look...jfy-pop Microwave Popcorn!
[Joel] Slow down, it's a long post.
: Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
: Subject: AUTOPOST: MurderOne.zip (part 01/02)
: Followup-To: alt.startrek.creative
: Date:
[Crow] No, just a friend.
: 13 Nov 1994 06:30:06 GMT
: Organization: Kansas State University, Dept. of Computing and Information Sciences
[Tom] I understand they have quite a well-developed technology school.
[Crow] Yeah. They're studying the tractor and the abacus, I believe.
: Lines: 1013
[Tom] Which is 1012 too many.
[Joel] 1012?
[Tom] Yeah...you gotta remember to count from zero.
[Joel] Ohhhh...
: Distribution: world
: Message-ID: <jfy.78...@depot.cis.ksu.edu.cis.ksu.edu>
: NNTP-Posting-Host: depot.cis.ksu.edu
[Crow] Huh-huh...it says "pot."
: Summary: Automated posting of fiction from the alt.startrek.creative archive
[Tom] So this is how the machines plan to kill us.
: This is an automated reposting of fiction from the alt.startrek.creative
: archives.
[Tom] So this is how the machines...hey!
: =====================================CUT HERE===================================
[Joel] Don't tempt us.
: Exploding: MurderOne
[Joel] Don't tempt us!!
: From MShu...@aol.com Mon Aug 1 09:17 CDT 1994
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: ["18066" "Mon" " 1" "August" "1994" "10:14:54" "EDT" "MShu...@aol.com" "MShu...@aol.com" nil "320" "Murder One part 1 (for alt.startrek.creative)" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil]
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: Received: from tivoli by orac with SMTP
[Crow] White man speak in forked tongue...
: (1.38.193.4/16.2) id AA11837; Mon, 1 Aug 1994 09:17:13 -0500
: Return-Path: <MShu...@aol.com>
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[Tom] Agh! It's the header from Hell! Turn linewrap on!
: [story/tng/Mark_Shuchat/MurderOne.zip] comment:
: X-Mailer: America Online Mailer
: Sender: "MShuchat" <MShu...@aol.com>
: Message-Id: <940801101...@aol.com>
: From: MShu...@aol.com
: To: j...@cis.ksu.edu
: Subject: Murder One part 1 (for alt.startrek.creative)
: Date: Mon, 01 Aug 94 10:14:54 EDT
: Status: RO
[Crow] ...row, row, your boat...
: STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE
: "MURDER ONE"
[Tom] It's Deep Space 9, Murder 1 at the bottom of the ninth here on
alt.startrek.creative!
: by Mark D. Shuchat
[Joel] Bless you.
: "You're out!"
[Crow] But you can be in-in-in with these faaabulous summer fashions by Maude!
: Approximately four seconds before he heard the umpire's pronouncement, the
: batter for the Boston Red Sox was rounding the bases in triumph,
[Tom] Unfortunately, he had yet to hit the ball.
: having knocked the ball into the stands for a grand slam
[Crow] 1.99? Are you out of your mind??
: and thus clinching
[Crow] Among other things...
: a seventh-game World Series victory over the hated New York Mets.
[Tom] Oh, I wouldn't say "hated." Perhaps..."despised?"
: The batter
[Joel] Mmmmm...batter.
: could hear the wild roar of the crowd as the Boston fans already began to
: celebrate. The roar grew to even higher levels of decibels
: as he crossed home plate.
[Crow] And suddenly diminished as he began picking off spectators with a
high-powered rifle! (makes shooting noise)
: That was when the umpire made his call.
[Tom] (sinister voice) And he _didn't_ dial 1-800-COLLECT.
: The batter stumbled and turned on the umpire in outrage. "What?!"
[Joel] (gruff voice) "Dammmit, you heard me! You're too big for tee-ball!"
: "You heard me. You're out!"
[Tom] So's your mom!
: "But I hit a home run!"
[Crow] I know! And it was with my daughter!!
: "Argue with me," threatened the umpire, "and you're outta here!"
: The batter sighed. "Computer, freeze program."
[Tom] You do it. I'm bitter.
: The umpire halted in mid-threat as the batter tapped the insignia on his
: uniform.
[Crow] Uh-oh. He's a Crip.
: "Sisko to Quark."
[Tom] Checkmate!
: "Quark here," came the slightly nasal voice of the Ferengi.
: "Quark, there's
[Crow] Quark here, Quark there...Quark everywhere!!
: something wrong with my baseball program in Holosuite G,"
: said Commander Benjamin Sisko. "This is the third time this month.
[Crow] Oh...must be System 7.
[Tom] Hey!
: Please fix it and get it right this time."
[Tom] What, both??!?
: He distinctly heard a snort of exasperation from the Ferengi bartender on
: the other end of the comm channel. "Now, Commander?"
: That snort, mused Sisko, meant one of three things. One,
[Joel] Quark was doing his famous pig impression.
: Quark was
: presently busy with a big legitimate business deal and didn't want to be
: disturbed. Two,
[Tom] Quark had a nasty head cold.
: Quark was presently busy with a big illegitimate business
: deal and didn't want to be disturbed. And three,
[Crow] Quark was inhaling a little nose candy.
: Quark was just trying to annoy him.
[Crow] Does this bug you? I'm not touching you...
: The hell of it was that he was succeeding.
[Joel] By selling GRIT in his spare time!
: "Today, Quark,"
[Crow] Tomorrow, the world!
: rumbled Sisko warningly.
[Tom] What, is he a volcano now?
: "Of course, Commander," Quark replied, in full smarm mode.
[Crow] Phasers on "smarm!"
: "Quark out."
[Joel] The step aerobic quark-out?
: Sisko sighed and terminated the program.
[Tom] _That_'s a touchy program.
: Fenway Park faded away to reveal
: the gold-on-black grid that was the holosuite in its natural state. "Exit."
[Joel] Is that a stage command?
: The doors slid aside and Sisko stepped onto the Promenade.
[Tom] Where he proceeded to tango the night away!
: Station Log,
[Crow] nnnnnnahhhh, too easy.
: Stardate 46772.9:
: Trade with the Gamma Quadrant is really heating up.
[Crow] Yeah! Now they're giving us pornos!
: Ships have been moving
: back and forth through the wormhole almost constantly, and it's taking a
: lot of our resources just to keep up with the flow.
[Joel] But enough about my personal life...
: It's also taking a lot
: of my resources to keep Odo from arresting everyone who comes to see Quark.
[Crow] Yeah, I'm almost out of Gin and high-grade weed!
: The turbolift stopped at Ops and Sisko walked out into the control center
: of what had once been the Cardassian mining station for all of Bajor.
[Joel] They _mined_ for Cardassians?
: Now
: it was Deep Space Nine, a technically Bajoran station under Federation
: administration.
[Crow] Hey, he's a poet!
[Joel] And he's not aware....
: It was also, ever since the discovery of the wormhole, the jumping-off
: point for trade with the Gamma Quadrant.
[Tom] But one hell of a long fall.
: "Good morning, everyone," he announced as he walked down the stairs.
: Getting the usual absorbed mutter of reply from his staff,
[Tom, Crow, and Joel] Grumble..grumble...tyrant...grumble...
: he stepped over to Major Kira Nerys. "Status, Major?"
[Joel] (high-pitched voice) No thanks, I'm full.
: "Two ships coming in today," Kira answered. "A small trader ship called
: the Achilles, and the Gowron, a Klingon ship."
: "Klingons on the station," breathed Sisko. "That should be interesting."
[Crow] I hope they've brought their own linen.
: "You may want to warn Odo in advance," advised Kira. "The last time a
: shipload of Klingons arrived, he couldn't sleep for three days."
: "Agreed, Major. What about the Achilles?"
[Joel] Ah, just favor the other leg for a while.
: "It's owned and operated by Deborah Jarvis,"
[Crow, Tom, and Joel] A WOMAN?!?!?
: piped up Lieutenant Jadzia Dax,
[Joel] It's Jadzia Dax, master of the Pan flute.
[Crow] (dreamily) Dax...
: "an independent trader who hails from somewhere in the Centauri sector."
: "Somewhere?"
[Crow] Out there?
: "According to customs officials, she's never been entirely clear on her
: origin."
[Tom] So I've picked out a few books for her...a little Darwin, some
Virginia Woolf...
: Sisko rubbed his chin.
[Crow] He tried to rub Dax's chin, but she put him in a half-nelson.
:"I'll talk to Odo and have her checked out.
[Tom] You can check out any time you like...but you can never leave!
: What about the Klingons?"
[Joel] Might I suggest Charmin, sir?
[Crow] (snorts)
: "Seeking passage to the Gamma Quadrant," said Kira. "Probably setting up a
: colony or something."
[Crow] (deep voice) "Something?"
: "Probably," agreed Sisko. "Let me know when they arrive."
[Crow] (deep voice) "Arrive??"
: Miles O'Brien
[Joel] How much O'Brien is in this fanfic?
[Tom] MILES O'Brien!
: leapt back to avoid being singed by a sparking conduit in
[Joel] "Singed?" You think he meaned "sung?"
[Tom] You mean "meant"?
[Joel] Yeah, I does.
: Upper Pylon Two and cursed.
[Tom] Upper Pylon's Flying Circus!
: This is not my idea of fun, he kept telling himself.
[Joel] ...doing away with those pesky quotation marks.
: Exactly twenty-eight minutes earlier he had been cooing sweet
: nothings into his wife Keiko's ear
[Crow] Until she began to bleed severly from her eardrums.
: and hoping like hell that their daughter wouldn't wake up.
[Joel] Ever...
: It had been their first "private time" in over a week,
[Tom] What, him and his DAUGHTER???
: what with her teaching schedule and his rather erratic work hours.
[Crow] And his peculiar inability to maintain an erection.
: It was when they were really getting down to business that the call came
: through from Ops.
[Joel] Dammit, I thought I told you to unplug the phone!
: Trying to ignore Keiko's cries of displeasure (instead of her cries of
: pleasure) O'Brien managed to snarl something faintly civil into his
: combadge.
[Joel] I think I'm gonna be sick.
[Crow] Is it the unnecessary sexual innuendos?
[Joel] No, it's the mental image of Chief O'Brien naked.
: Kira had not been particularly impressed by his pleas for mercy and, in a
: foul mood herself, had ordered him to the failed pylon conduit on pain of
: being shot out of a photon torpedo launcher without a spacesuit.
[Joel] Wow...bet you can set your calendar by _that_ chick, if you know
what I mean...
: So O'Brien went, grumbling every centimeter of the distance between his
: quarters and the conduit.
[Tom] By the time he got there, he was severly winded.
: He could feel a monster headache (not to mention other parts of his anatomy)
[Joel] Oh, come on! This is so offensive on so many levels!
: coming on and he knew he was going to have to
: face the wrath of his wife. He briefly considered the possibility of
: picking up where they left off upon his return home.
[Tom] Since she had been asleep anyway, that shouldn't pose any problem.
: He then looked down at his uniform, saw the smudges and the occasional
: singe, and smelled the distinctive scent of human sweat and lubricating oil
: upon his person. Not very likely, Miles, he told himself.
[Crow] What, she's not into lubricating oil?
: His combadge beeped. "O'Brien here."
[Tom] "If _you're_ O'Brien, who the Hell am I???"
: "Status, Chief?" came Sisko's voice.
[Crow] (high voice) No thanks, I'm full...oh, I love that one!
: "I'm almost done here, Commander," he replied. "You can tell the Gowron to
: dock in five minutes."
[Crow] And we'll be serving sorbet in ten!
: "Sooner than that please, Chief," Sisko said mildly. "The Gowron's weapons
: officer has an itchy trigger finger."
[Joel] Give him some Blue Star ointment.
: O'Brien grunted and worked faster. One or two sparks later, he tapped his
: combadge again. "That should do it, sir."
[Tom] "If I grunt any faster, I'll pass out!"
: "I sincerely hope so, Chief." Sisko's voice cut off and O'Brien could hear
: the grinding noise of the Gowron docking. He closed his eyes and prayed for
: the conduit to hold.
[Crow] Ah, yes, the mark of a truly competent engineer.
: He didn't realize he had been holding his breath until
: he let it out in a big whoosh.
[Joel] Unfortunately, he was in an airlock!
[Crow and Tom] Doh!
: He scuttled
[Crow] Scuttled?
: back as the inner door opened, revealing several very large
: Klingons standing in the airlock. They looked down on him as if he were
: some interesting new sort of grub to be eaten along with a fistful of other
: grubs.
[Crow] And some nice green peas and corn. Num-num-num...
: O'Brien smiled a touch weakly. "Welcome to Deep Space Nine."
[Tom] Home of the Whopper.
: The Achilles smoothly slid into place on the docking ring. At least that
: was working normally, O'Brien thought in relief as he passed by the airlock
: en route back to his quarters.
[Crow] Insert sexual innuendo here.
: The airlock door opened and Deborah Jarvis emerged. The head of every
: male, human and otherwise, on the Promenade swiveled to look at her.
[Joel] Because she wasn't wearing any pants!
: She
: was utterly beautiful, with glowing blonde hair and clothing to accentuate,
: rather than complement, her hourglass figure.
[Crow] And absolutely immense knockers!
: More than a few men in her life had made the mistake of treating Jarvis as
: just another floozy whose assets tended to concentrate below the neck. As
: payment for their patronizing, she would often clean them out,
[Joel] And then she reported them to N.O.W.
[Tom and Crow] Ooooh...
: then skip
: town on the Achilles before they realized their financial accounts were
: now, for some unfathomable reason, as empty as their beds after that last
: night of passion.
[Tom] This guy's been reading _way_ too many Danielle Steele books.
: In this manner, she had not unnaturally produced a number of enemies in
: Federation space, some of whom were mean enough to give her the shivers.
[Crow] Luckily, none had gotten really upset and given her the "willies."
[Joel] Or, God forbid, the "heebie jeebies."
[Tom] Joel, stop it. You're scaring me.
: That was why she had set a course for this blighted corner of the galaxy.
[Crow] Jersey??
: Bajor and Deep Space Nine did not particularly interest her, aside from the
: usual facilities of refitting and resupply.
[Crow] Choose! for industry!
: It was the wormhole, the express lane to the Gamma Quadrant.
[Joel] Unfortunately, it was eight items or less and she had a full cart.
: That was why
: she was here. In the Gamma Quadrant, she could lay low for as long as it
: took for the nastier of her former lovers (and business partners) to froth
: over her disappearance then turn to other matters and forget about her.
[Crow] Luckily, she only dated men with Alzheimers.
[Joel] And, apparently, rabies...
: It
: could take many years, but she was wasn't worried about that. She was more
: than capable of hunkering
[Tom] Is she _bragging_? How much skill does it take to "hunker"?
: down on an M-class planet and living as a farmer for however long she had to.
[Crow] Or at least until the government subsidies ran out.
: But first, she thought as she stepped onto the Promenade and drank in the
: expressions of disbelief, curiosity and lust, a bit of fun.
[Joel] (high voice) "And now to mold them like the putty they are..."
: Jake Sisko saw Jarvis from the second-level walkway and fell in love.
[Crow] Breaking three ribs.
: Quark saw Jarvis from his bar and wondered how much gold-pressed latinum
: he could get out of her. He also wondered how much of her he could get out
: of her clothing.
[Tom] So _he_ could try it on...
: Garak saw Jarvis from his clothing shop and idly considered what color
: cloth would go best with her hair.
[Joel] Hmmm...I think Garak's the space officer with a difference...
: Odo saw Jarvis from his office and decided to keep an eye on her.
[Crow] Which was easy for him, being a shapeshifter and all.
: Someone else also saw her and almost leapt up shouting before controlling
: himself. She was here! The woman who had ruined him and driven him out to
: this godforsaken junk pile was really here!
[Tom] Ivanna Trump?
: She had destroyed his family. She had ruined his life.
[Crow] She had stained his favorite T-shirt...
: Now it was time to return the favor.
[Joel] Just say it with a Hallmark.
: The part of Quark's brain that dealt with sexual fantasies
[Crow] Isn't that, like, all of it?
: nearly shorted out when Jarvis headed towards his bar.
: "My most beautiful customer of the
: month!" he salivated as she took a seat at a table.
[Tom] Gross! He's speaking in spit!
: "For you, my dear, the
: best drink in this sector, on the house." He turned back long enough to
: shout an order at his brother Rom.
: "May I join you?" he smarmed back at her.
[Crow] (high-pitched voice) "Why, am I coming apart?"
: Jarvis smiled a killer smile. "Of course."
: Quark sank into a seat opposite her and exulted in the hormones flushing
: through his body. "How may I serve you?"
[Crow] With fresh peas and corn...num-num-num...
[Tom] Joel, he's stuck again...
(Joel whacks Crow)
: Jarvis halted for a moment as Rom brought something tall, blue and frothy,
: then sipped it.
[Tom] No, you idiot -- it's for her!
: Her face lit up with surprised pleasure. "What is it?"
[Joel] Don't drink that! It's my urine!!
: "It's a Ferengi improvement on Romulan ale," Quark said.
[Crow] We call it FUBAR.
: "Can I have the recipe? After all, what am I going to do when I'm not here
: on this station?"
[Tom] Knit? Macrame? Learn Portuguese?
: Quark stumbled for a moment, but quickly recovered.
[Joel] Good thing he was sitting down, huh?
[Tom] I think he meant metaphorically, Joel.
[Joel] Ohhhh...
: "Of course, my dear. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
[Tom] Well, Quark, I'm glad you asked that...but it's not what you
can do for me, it's what _I_ can do for _you_!
: "As a matter of fact, there is." Jarvis leaned forward and began to
: whisper in Quark's ear. As she talked, his eyes grew wide.
[Crow] Hey! She's inflating his head!
: "She's amazing, Dad!" Jake exclaimed in the quarters he shared with his
: father.
[Joel] (smarmy) I know...
: "Really?" asked Sisko with an amused gleam in his eye. He remembered all
: too well what life was like at Jake's age;
[Crow] Going to pot parties, mugging old ladies, getting high on Lysol
and throwing eggs at your grandma...
: hormones surging through every
: cell of your body, falling hopelessly in love with every pretty girl you
: saw on the street.
[Tom] Stalking them in the night, prowling around their house, leaving
dead kittens on their doorstep and calling them "Mommy"...
: He sighed and brought himself back to the present. "Who is she?" Jake was
: asking.
[Joel] Madonna?
[Tom] Wow, Joel, that was almost too esoteric for even me.
: "Her name is Deborah Jarvis," said Sisko. "According to her flight plan,
: she's just stopping here before going through the wormhole."
: Jake's face fell. "She's not staying?"
[Crow] Of course not! Then we'd actually have to try and write two
subsequent coherent storylines!
: "For a few days, she is. Who knows what could happen until she leaves?"
[Joel] Um...Alec Baldwin?
[Tom] Is that a "Shadow" reference?
[Joel] No, Alec Baldwin's just _really_ smart.
[Crow] Then it's definitely not a "Shadow" reference.
: Jake's face lit up again.
[Crow] Son, you're too close to the fire!!
: "Do you think I should, you know, try to talk to her?"
[Tom] (snort...cackle) Yeah, sure son... (snort, cackle)
: Sisko leaned back and thought about that for a moment. The odds against
: her being interested in Jake were, quite frankly, astronomical, but
: still...
[Crow] ...maybe they could work out a threesome.
: "Of course," Sisko decided. "Just remember, she may not be as interested
: in you as you are in her."
[Joel] (young voice) You mean like all the other kids, Dad?
: "Dad," Jake replied, in that well-known tone of voice which said, 'Just
: how stupid do you think I am to even think that I need reminding of that?'
: "Just making sure," Sisko said
[Crow] In that tone of voice which said, "Screw you ya little brat, I'm
gonna get likkered up and whale the tar outta ya!"
: neutrally. "Go get her, kiddo."
: Jake grinned and practically flew out of his quarters.
[Crow] Running, like the lemming, to his utter demise, crushed on the
rocky shores of love...
: "You want that?" asked Quark.
: Jarvis nodded. "Your holosuites are infamous across the Federation. Of
: course I have to try one out."
: Quark smiled. "My reputation has proceeded me.
[Tom] Whatever the Hell that means.
: The charge will be -"
[Crow] Gross inability to spell?
: "Don't worry about that," Jarvis interrupted. "I have enough."
[Tom] (smarmy) I know...
: Quark went into ecstasy. Someone who requested a holosuite program yet
: didn't care about the price was almost too good to be true! "In that case,"
: he said smoothly (or at least as smooth as a Ferengi could be), "will you
: accompany me?"
: "Absolutely," said Jarvis as she giggled. That giggle had cost a lot of
: men a lot of money at one time or another.
[Joel] Only because they bought it on installment.
: They got up and climbed the stairs to the narrow hallway where the
: holosuites were located. There were ten of them, five on each wall.
[Tom] What, now they're being cloned??
[Joel] No, I think our friend Mark just has a little problem with antecedents.
: Although small in real area, the holographic simulators contained within
: them could make the suites appear as large as a planet.
[Crow] Kinda like one of Raymond Burr's suits?
[Joel] Crow, that's suite.
[Crow] (flattered) Why, thank you Joel!
: Three of them were in use by other customers, but Holosuite G was free.
[Joel] Because the last rider had vomited in it.
: "There's a three hour time limit," said Quark almost apologetically.
[Tom] Hmm...there's that number 3 again...this means something...
: "That's all right," said Jarvis easily. "I intend to enjoy every minute of
: it."
[Joel] Yeah! I brought my pocket Yahtzee, Gnip-Gnop, and a slinky!
: They walked up to the holosuite door and Quark punched in a program code
: along with his personal authorization code, allowing the mechanism to
: function in the first place.
[Crow] Damned Kerberos systems...(mutter)
: The holosuites were some of the most expensive
: equipment in his establishment; just the normal maintenance consumed a ton
: of money.
[Joel] Wow, I guess we never _do_ go metric...
: Holo-diodes were not easy to come by this far out from the center
: of the Federation,
[Crow] Especially since we just made them up...
: so whenever a holodeck-equipped ship visited the
: station, it was Quark's practice to buy out their entire spare supply of
: diodes.
[Crow] And then dance for the crew while wearing a lampshade!
: It cost a lot of latinum, but it was better than having the suites
: damaged by a customer irate over a diode burnout at the best part of a
: program.
[Joel] Especially if the New Kids are staying there.
: The door slid aside. "The program will start in one minute," said Quark.
: "Enjoy."
[Tom] Or I'll kill you!
: "I will," said Jarvis as she giggled again.
[Crow] The 'sid was starting to take effect.
: Throwing one last smile at the Ferengi,
[Joel] What _is_ it with her and these smiles?!
: she walked inside and the door closed behind her.
[Tom] That's one happy door.
: Quark sighed in happiness, lost in his fantasies starring the beautiful
: trader.
[Joel] Fantasies..starring...huh?!?!
: He almost forgot to turn on the recorders, the most secret piece of
: gear in his entire establishment. They kept a constant eye on whatever
: happened inside a suite,
[Tom] He likes to watch...
: and safely recorded it in the bar's computer, coded to Quark's retina
: pattern only.
: After all, those recordings couldn't be allowed to fall into the wrong
: hands.
[Joel] Hmm...could this be foreshadowing?
[Crow] Naaaaahhh...
: Jake reached the Promenade just in time to see Jarvis disappear inside
: Holosuite G, and his hopes crashed. Nog, who was Quark's nephew and also
[Crow] A tasty Yuletime beverage?
: the only person on the station even remotely close to his own age, saw him
: and scuttled over to his side.
[Tom] Ah, that's what we all need...more friends that "scuttle."
: Nog saw his friend's bleak expression and frowned. "What's the problem?"
[Crow] Yeah, I got a problem! I got a _big_ problem! When some trigger-
happy madman almost gets _me_ shot!!
[Joel] You watch WAY too much Tarantino, Crow.
[Crow] (seriously) You can NEVER watch too much Tarantino. Joel.
: "It's her," gloomed Jake. "I didn't get a chance to talk to her."
[Tom] Or even do any interpretive dance.
: "The woman who came in on the Achilles?" asked Nog. "For a human, she's
: very beautiful."
[Joel, Tom, and Crow] We knoowww....
: "Yeah," Jake said dreamily. "She sure is."
: Nog glanced at his friend. "You like her?"
[Joel] Oh, she's keen! I'm gonna ask her to prom!
: Jake snapped back to the present.
[Tom] (high voice) "Ouch! My neck!"
: "She's terrific."
[Crow] She's faaaaaaaabulous!
: "Don't worry," said Nog cheerfully as he slapped Jake's shoulder. "She's
: got to come out sometime. And in the meantime, we can see what's going on
: in there."
[Tom] Nudge, nudge...
: Jake blinked. "We can?"
[Crow] Nog sneezed, "Sure!"
: "Sure. My uncle has a setup that records whatever happens in a holosuite.
: Don't you ever go into one?"
[Joel] Well, once when I was drunk, me and my buddies did, but I didn't like
it. I thought it was degrading to the women, more than anything.
[Tom] Huh??
: "Only to play baseball with my dad," Jake admitted. "He won't even let me
: near them the rest of the time."
[Crow] So I just hire prostitutes.
: "It's the next best thing," said Nog with a grin.
[Joel] Wow, that reads like Dr. Seuss.
: Jake began to feel uneasy. "I don't know..."
[Tom] Ooohh...i sense something bad is about to happen.
[Joel] You mean, like someone getting hurt?
[Tom] No, I mean like "Part Two."
: "Come on, Jake!" said Nog. "You think you'll be a Peeping Tim?"
: "That's 'Peeping Tom,'" Jake corrected.
[Crow] Oh, that Cousin Balki cracks me up!
: "Maybe later."
: Nog shrugged. "Okay. I'll let you know what you missed." He scampered off
: to the secret room behind Quark's bar, leaving Jake behind.
[Tom] Great. Now he's scampering. Doesn't this guy ever just _walk_?
: The stark white interior of Holosuite G faded to mist as the program began
: to run.
[Crow] Hello, Microsoft? Are your programs running? Well, you better catch
them! (snort) Oh, I love that one!
: The mist shimmered and re-formed into an enormous bedroom,
: dominated by an equally enormous bed that could have held a Roman orgy with
: room left over for a few more.
[Joel] In a Roman orgy, there's _always_ room for a few more!
: Jarvis laughed out loud and sauntered over to the bed,
[Tom] Argh! Sauntering, scuttering, scampering...
: stripping off her
: clothing as she did so. With a steady stream of cloth behind her, the naked
: Jarvis
[Joel] The Naked Jarvis, by David Attenborough.
[Crow] Who do you think is more embarassed of his brother, David or Richard
Attenborough?
[Joel] Do you mean before or after "Indecent Proposal?"
: hopped onto the bed and made her way to the middle of it. She
: flopped onto her back and stared up at her surroundings. The "bedroom" had
: no roof, only walls that seemed to stretch up forever into a misty sky.
[Tom] So the theme here is "mist," I take it.
: Even as she was experiencing it, she was still amazed at the detail of
: Quark's holographic programs.
[Crow] Especially when rendered on the brand new Sega 32X!
[Joel] No product endorsement!
[Crow] (whining) Oh, Joooel, don't make me give it baaaaack!!
: Then she smiled as her holographic companion stepped out of the shadows
: and approached her.
[Joel] Fabio??
: She closed her eyes and waited for the ecstasy to overwhelm her senses.
[Tom] Where'd she get Ecstasy on a government ship?
[Crow] (hippie voice) Who do you think makes it, man?
: O'Brien finally managed to stumble into his quarters, exhausted and
: filthy.
[Tom] And smelling strongly of "Wild Turkey."
: En route to the shower,
[Crow] Jeez, this guy is _always_ "en route"!
: he risked a glance at the chronometer and
: winced at the knowledge that he had been away for more than four hours.
[Joel] And yet he was still horny as a bull moose!
: After the conduit work, there had been half a dozen other niggling things
: that had to be done Now, Chief. He couldn't exactly say that he was in the
: middle of conceiving a second child,
[Tom] Especially since he was a guy.
[Crow] Gene Rodenberry presents "Junior"?
[Tom] Ah, I don't think so.
[Joel] Wow, Rodenberry's just turning in his grave...
: so he just closed his mouth and got to work.
[Tom] Working with an open mouth makes him thirstier.
: At times like these, O'Brien could swear that not only was the station
: alive, it was out to get him.
[Joel] I think _someone_ needs a little visit to the wacko-doctor...
: How else could he explain all the failures,
: all the repairs needed Now, Chief, at exactly the wrong time?
[Crow] All the warranties had run out today!
[Joel and Tom] Doh!
: He had even revealed his pet theory to Keiko,
[Tom] He has a pet _theory_?
: who had merely crinkled her nose at him
[Joel] Because he smelled like a fraternity carpet.
: (God, how he loved it when she crinkled her nose at him) and
: called him paranoid.
[Tom] Laughing at him like all the other people did, behind his
back...
: Stepping out of the shower, O'Brien felt a lot cleaner and definitely more
: human. Perhaps Keiko would be more interested in him now.
[Crow] But we doubt it.
: Theatrically whipping the towel from around his midsection, he pranced
: into the bedroom,
[Tom] Great! Now he's _prancing_!
: ready to do whatever it took to regain the trust of his beloved.
[Joel] Um, how about putting his clothes back on?
: It was quite a show, and would have caused palpitations of Keiko's
: heart - had she been there. The bedroom was empty.
[Crow, Joel, and Tom] (pointing their fingers) Waahh-wahhh-wahhh!
: Scratching his head,
[Crow] (opens his mouth)
[Joel] Uh-uh, Crow.
[Crow] What?
: O'Brien hunted around the apartment until he found a
: message for him on the living room computer terminal:
: "Miles:
[Crow] "...put your clothes back on. Quit prancing around naked in front of
the windows. Love, Keiko."
: I've taken Molly to day care and gone to enjoy a holosuite
: program. Keiko."
[Joel] "...I've ditched the child with strangers and gone to have a sexual
fantasy. Love, your wife."
: He was aghast. He knew all too well what kinds of programs were available
: in Quark's holosuites.
[Crow] Myst...Doom II...she'd be there for HOURS!
: His wife - acting out a holosuite scenario? It was
: almost too much to contemplate.
[Tom] And a lot to think about, to boot.
: Almost, but not quite. Throwing on a clean uniform,
[Crow] Gross! Well, it's not clean anymore...
: O'Brien stormed out of his quarters and in the direction of Quark's bar.
[Joel] Where he immediately took off his pants and paraded around naked!
: Jarvis was in utter ecstasy. Her nerve endings pulsed and roared as if
: they had been dipped into a deliciously erotic flame.
[Crow} Unbeknownst to her, they had...
: Her holographic lover
[Tom] Isn't that a Stevie Wonder song?
: was atop her, moving in perfect synch with the gyrations of her body. She
: clasped him to her and cried out in her passion.
[Joel] Oh, Lawnmower Man!
: She groaned in disappointment when she felt his weight leave her, but she
: did not open her eyes. Even if she had, she would not have been able to
: prevent what happened next.
[Tom] What, a sequel?
: Deborah Jarvis felt something penetrate her. In a program like this, she
: would have expected something along those lines to happen. But this was not
: an ordinary penetration.
[Joel] Oh, c'mon...
: It felt icy and metallic.
[Crow] Chief O'Brien??
: It was pushing through the thin layer of skin into her chest.
: She opened her mouth to scream...
[Joel, Crow, and Tom] Aww, darnit...cliffhanger!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
To be continued, whenever I have more time.
Matt Burch
alt.startrek.not.very.damn.creative, and thinking that it was
prime-cut, Grade-A certified, 100% pure MSTing fodder.
--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Matt Burch | There are very few problems that can't be solved
mbu...@ksu.ksu.edu | with the suitable application of photon torpedoes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ken Frauwirth (BioKen)
(particularly the "That was when He carried me" ref).
Keep up the good work!
BioKen
who still doesn't have the guts to try one of his own (and who is not sure
he really wants to look around the net for MiSTable material)
--
Ken Frauwirth (MiSTie #33025) _ _
frau...@mendel.berkeley.edu |_) * |/ (_ |\ |
Dept. of Molec. & Cell Bio. |_) | () |\ (_ | \|
Univ. of Cal., Berkeley Push the button...someone :(