(Mistied) Star Trek: Damage: Part III
Suzanne Schroeder
The actual Star Trek story isn't ending, but I don't have the time to
finish it with final exams coming up. In case I don't post again, have
a good summer!
Suzanne Schroeder
___________________________
Mike: Hey, Tom, why did you say y'all before we left?
Tom: I decided to spice up our sagging relationship.
(Crow comes on bridge)
Crow: OK, class, take out a sheet of paper.
Tom: Need I remind you that my arms don't work?
Crow: Oh. Oral quiz, then. We're going to have a quiz
over chapter one today. Question one. What does the first chapter
have to do with Star Trek?
Tom: It had a device in it?
Mike: It had a disease?
Crow: You are correct Tom. I'm sorry, Mike, although disease is a
recurrent theme, there can be no episode of Star Trek without Technical
jargon.
Mike: But the writer didn't give a name to the device, or the disease
for that matter!
Crow: Which would be correct procedure if one doesn't have the
technical manual handy.
Mike: What's the matter with everyday creativity?
Crow: That would lead to confusion. A revolt might ensue.
Mike: I don't buy it.
Crow: If you decide to post this in a newsgroup full of Trekkers, it
is more important to be technically correct than to name it yourself.
Besides, there is also the off chance that the name you invent would
resemble the name of another device used on the show, chaos would
ensue.
Mike: Star Trek is not a real universe!
Tom: Neither are we. We're just a bunch of actors that go home
everyday at five o'clock. Although, I suspect that 25% of RATM
believes we exist in real life.
(Lights flash)
All: WE'VE GOT POST MODERN SIGN!!!
>Chapter Two
Crow: Second verse, same as the first....
> The purchaser for the Royal Canadian Long Point Infantry Fort of=
> Montreal
>wrote an obscenity on the blotting sheet with a delicate, deliberate =
>hand.
Tom: She had Tourette's syndrome of the hand.
>Like many who did a lot of writing, her handwriting was more
>efficient tha=n
>beautiful.
Crow: It was the latest model off the market guaranteed to save home
owners hundreds of dollars from potential energy loss.
>Still, the straight, bold strokes she drew to make the 'k'=
>gave a
>sloping counterbalance to the sweeping lower-case letter beginning th=
>e word.
Mike: Did some art critic come in and analyze her handwriting?
> The base was sick.
Tom: ....and she was pissed that they couldn't find it's mouth to feed
it chicken soup.
> Plagues enraged Hannah.
Mike: Hey, Crow, don't plagues just totally piss you off?
Crow: Yeah! Especially when they force all the stores to close.
>She loathed illness that cut life off wi=
>thout discrimination.
Tom: Which is exactly why the republicans oppose affirmative action.
>This was supposed to be a contemporary city in the ne=
>w century.
>This was l900.
Mike: Yeah, I saw 1900 in a museum once. I wasn't that impressed.
> Science and surgery had cut...
Crow: Prices in their overstocked inventory. This stuff must go!
> Anyway,
Mike: Back to more important ramblings. I've got a cute little
doggy....
>there were rumors about a woman jungle doctor
Tom: She's been brought in to cure the trees and snakes.
>who'd been=
> brought
>to Montreal at great expense.
Mike: and the possibility that the french population would be
extremely rude....
>She was supposed to know about witch-do=
>ctor root
>cures. The purchaser's hair had enough iron-grey
Crow: Well, that's what he gets for swimming in a lake close to a
paper plant.
>that she remembered =
>being in
>London when the last big cholera had kicked through it in l850 and ho=
>w any
>lunatic advice or comforting quack was seized upon in fear.
Mike: Thus, the empire of Jimmy Baker was born.
>Families =
>burned tar before their doors and windows,
Crow: Cigarette smokers were in heaven.
> inhaled sulphur and salted arseni=
>c,
Tom: ...except for some of Clinton's long lost relatives who got it
wrong and inhaled pot instead....
>cimicifuga or cuprum onto food. Her father had been permanently under=
>mined by
>the l850 Cholera. He kept waiting for it to return and blamed every a=
>che on it
Mike: He had become bored with his stamp collection at that point.
>For years he waited to get sick again until at last a cough settled o=
>n him.
Crow: ...and set up a little colony in the unexplored regions of his
body....
>He
>withdrew a sum from the bank
Mike: Gee, I didn't know you could get math problems from a bank.
>and ordered a brass coffin and died a mo=
>nth later
Tom: But he wasn't buried in a wooden crate and the brass coffin was
used as a coffee table instead.
> Two hours after dawn a second visitor came to the base to talk i=
>ts
>purchaser. Her visitor was a traveller and author.
Mike: ..and had made several guests appearances on Oprah Winfrey
promoting her new book "Stop the Insanity.."
>He was writing a b=
>ook on
>military organization,
Crow: but he learned that it was true that the commander in chief was
in charge of the army, got pissed, and went home.
>and how modern telegraphy was changing how arm=
>ies could
>better march on their stomachs.
Crow: Was telegraph teaching them how to be contortionists?
>He'd prepared a little speech, but sh=
>e upset
>his concentration by asking him where he was from.
Tom: (as visitor) Hey, who's on stage here? Like I was saying, how
many of you have seen this O.J. guy? Can you believe this guy? How
dumb do you have to be to take a white car? Doesn't he know that after
robberies the first thing they look for is an unmarked white van?
>His ready lie was =
>tripped-up
>by his rote, truthful answer.
Mike: He was lying by rote?
Crow: Wow! Who is this Rote guy? I keep on seeing his name on songs
like "Row row row your boat!"
> 'You're a Frog. Funny, you don't sound it.'
Tom: And he went 'ribbit ribbit heck all the time, time , time....'
> 'I've travelled all my life,' he flustered at his answer.' I don=
>'t know
>how I'm supposed to sound any more.'
Mike: Oh, man, are there requirements for this? I've been up here in
space for a while and may not know what to sound like when I get down
to Earth.
Tom: We've gotta go.
Mike: OK... but this is a weird place to leave off at.
(1..2..3..4..5..6..)
Mike: Boy, that was definitely an experience.
(SOL is hit and violently shakes)
Mike: Cambot! Give me Rocket #9!
(exterior shot shows a large, cheesey, brightly colored globe with a
moving logo outside the ship)
(SOL)
Crow: What is that???
Mike: Hmm, it looks familiar.....
(light on console flashes)
Mike: Looks like a message coming in from the hexfield.
(hexfield opens. Two guys begin to address them)
Vinnie: I'm captain Vinnie of the SS Comedy Central. Your ratings
have been slacking off. Prepare to dismantle your ship and come out of
the studio quietly. Unfortunately, you won't receive your paycheck
right away as we have to wait for the Vice President to return from the
pawn shop from hocking his Grandmother's watch......
(SS Comedy Central is hit.)
Vinnie: First Officer Gillette, what was that!
Penn: I don't know, I just do crappy voice overs!
Vinnie: Oh.
(The hexfield becomes split with another incoming message)
Voice: Leave them alone you Klingon Bastards!
All: CaptainKirk!
Kirk: Don't 'Captain Kirk!' me! I saw what you were about to do. I
don't know what it is about you network execs who feel like they have
to cancel every decent sci fi show that comes on!
Vinnie: You're in syndication! Begone! You're powers are useless
here!
Kirk: Oh, am I really that powerless? Listen, I've starred in movies
and all without the help of discernable talent. That's how big I am.
Crow: Isn't that the truth. Say, is it true that you had the special
effects department shrink the size of your hinder?
Mike: Uh, Crow, I wouldn't ask him that if I were you.....
Kirk: No, I don't mind, you see...
(His hair suddenly crawls off his head)
Kirk: Damn. I'm always mistaking my toupee for a tribble. Anyway, as
for you Vinnie...
Mike: Settle in everyone.
Kirk: _It_ is a persons...........right tohave a *TV*
show........spock........because its ratings -are-low...doesn'tmean
*that*............it shouldn't-remain-......on the air...........the
*****small********groupwho-watches- ...._This_ show are.....no
less-significant.................................................spock.
...........................than
the *large*mass-who-watches_Seinfeld_.
Vinnie: Jeez! Shut up! No wonder why you always win. Keep the damn
show.
(he leaves)
Mike: Wow.....Hey, Kirk, thanks alot.
Kirk: Just part of the normal routine. Now that I've done this, will
you watch my new show?
Tom: Well, OK, I guess. Is there anything else we can do for you?
Kirk: Well, I have a few questions.
Mike: OK.........fire away.
Kirk: (pulls out guitar and begins to sing): Do yer ears hang low?/
When you waddle to and fro?/ Can you tie 'em in a knot?/ Can you tie
'em in a bow?...."
SOL: Auuugh! Folksongs!!
Tom: Quick, Mike, close the hexfield!
(He hits button and door slowly closes)
Crow: Whew, that was close.
Mike: Now, that we've escaped our eminent death....twice......and
don't have any letters, Tom, would you do the honors?
Tom: Sure thing. If you have any comments good or bad, questions,
enjoy strolls on moonlit beaches, or are bored, write to Suzanne.
You'll be glad you did.
Mike: (to deep 13) Back at you, Dr. Strangelove.
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: How enjoyable. Push the button, Frank.
Frank: I'm not supposed to be here.
Dr. F: So, what's your point?
Frank: Well, I demand overtime pay.
Dr. F: That would be lovely, except that you've never had a salary
here.
Frank: Oh. Could I have some animal crackers instead?
Dr. F: Sure. Now push the button.
(button is pushed)