[MiSTied] Bill Gates Controls YOU! 1/2
Claye Hodge
in with a little short from alt.sega.genesis. You know the usual. E-mail
crh...@delphi.com with your responses..
-------- (shortened line segment just for Petrea. :) )
[Beginning Credits]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7...]
[SOL]
[There are two tv's on the desk. One on Crow's side, other on Tom's side.
Crow is playing on a Super Nintendo, Tom is playing a Sega Genesis. Mike
is in the middle watching them play.]
CROW: The Super Nintendo has better graphics!
TOM: The Sega has better sports games!
CROW: Sega is SLOW!
MIKE:[looks up to Cambot. Quietly] Oh! Hi, welcome to the Satellite of Love.
It seems that our robot buddies are debating which is better, SNES or
Sega? LET'S WATCH!
TOM: Super Nintendo is for BABIES! Remember Mortal Kombat I, Crow?
CROW: Yeah? Well... we had BETTER SOUND!
TOM: Super Nintendo is too cheap to get good graphics for their games!
CROW: Oh YEAH? Name TWO!
TOM: Ok. Ultraman and Starfox!
CROW: We have the new Donkey Kong game, Servo! Does Sega, huh???
TOM: Well.. No. [commercial sign light flashes.]
MIKE:[quietly] Sega, Super Nintendo? Who cares, the Atari Jaguar beats both
of them to a pulp. We'll be right back. [Mike taps commercial sign
light.]
[Commercials]: Hi Octane! Keanu Reeves!! Nicholas Cage!! The Beastie Boys!!
Hi Octane, thirty minutes of fuel injected HELL! Minus fuel injected.
[SOL]
CROW: I STILL say the Super Nintendo is better in sound and graphics!
TOM: Well, I wish there was a way we could compete with each others system
so I can prove you wrong.
MIKE: Hmmm.. [Mads light flashes.] Oh, Mario and Luigi are calling.
[Mike taps mads light.]
[D13]
DR.F: Oh, where IS he??? [Looks up.] Oh! Hello Mitch, I see your bots are
into video games.. Good, that goes in with your experiment today, but
I'll go into that later. As for my invention, you've seen or heard
of several commercials and ads about safe driving, and don't drink
and drive, have you? Well, they never seem to work. So, my invention
takes the "Don't drink or Drive" theory a little further.... [Frank
comes in Deep 13, holding groceries.]
FRANK: Hi Steve, I'm back. Sorry I took so long. I was stopped and got a
speeding ticket. [Puts the groceries down.]
DR.F: AGAIN?!?!? [Looks at the screen. Smiles.] Uh.. That's alright Frank.
You're just in time for the invention exchange. [Puts hands on Frank's
shoulders as to lead him. They walk toward the left.] You see, to
really teach drivers a lesson, whether they were speeding or drinking
you have to give them real proof, and that's why I've invented the
Unsafe Driving Eliminator. [We see a padded chair with straps, on a
sloping track that goes off-screen. At the top of the ramp is a
switch.] The person who has been speeding or drinking in this case,
Frank gets into the chair, and strapped in. Get in the chair Frank.
FRANK: I don't wanna.
DR.F: FRANK!!!
FRANK: Ok. [Frank gets into the chair. Dr. Forrester tightly straps him in.]
DR.F: After they get strapped in you pull the switch, which sends the person
speeding towards a concrete-brick wall.
FRANK: I wanna get out!
DR.F: Sorry Frank, you made a mistake and now you will pay for it.
FRANK: Doooohhhhh...
DR.F: Did you get caught speeding?
FRANK: Yes.
DR.F: Didn't I say to not speed?
FRANK: Yes.
DR.F: Are you going to speed again?
FRANK: Yes. DOH! No. No. I meant no.
DR.F: Too late, Frank. What did I say I would do to you if you speeded?
FRANK: You said you would put me in the Eliminator. It was an accident!
DR.F: Too late! [Dr.F pulls the switch. Frank starts coming down the ramp
quickly, and goes off-screen. We then hear a LOUD crashing sound.]
FRANK:[Off-screen.] OWEEOWEEOWEEOWEEOWEEOWEEOWEEOWEEOWEE.....
DR.F:[to screen.] Your turn.
[SOL]
[Tom and Crow are still playing. Mike is holding a small box.]
MIKE: Poor Frank. Well sir, the bots gave me an idea. How to compete with
each other using a Sega AND a Super Nintendo. So, I've invented the
Super Sega Nintendo Genesis Connector. To use it, you unplug both
systems. [Mike unplugs both systems.]
BOTS: HEY!
MIKE: And you plug them into the SSNG Connector, and turn the Connector on
and Voila! [Mike plugs the systems into the connector and turn it on.]
TOM: Oh, sort of a Doom type game. I'm Sonic.
CROW: Yeah, and I'm DK!
BOTS: THANKS MIKE!
MIKE: What do you think, sirs?
TOM:[To computer.] Where are you, ya big ape?
[D13]
DR.F: Interesting, I guess. Anyway, your experiment is a little complaint
post I found in alt.conspiracy about Bill Gates, but first is a little
short called "Sega sucks!". It's a weird reply to a weird post from
a guy who hates Sega. Enjoy! [Pushes the button.]
[SOL]
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! WE'VE GOT POOOOOST SIIIIIIGGGGGGGNNN!!!!
CROW: HEY! I WASN'T FINISHED!
MIKE: COME ON!
[Mike and the bots leave for the theater.]
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike puts Tom down.]
>Newsflag: alt.sega.genesis
TOM: Oh boy! I hope I can get tips and codes!
>Newsgroups: alt.sega.genesis
CROW: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HISS HISS HISS!!!
TOM: SHUT UP!
>Subject: Sega sucks!
CROW: Hahahaha!!!
TOM: HEY!
MIKE: Straight to the point.
>From: daniel....@navsat.com (Daniel Kotarski)
TOM: daniel kotarski... n.. a.. v.. s.. a..
MIKE: TOM.
>Message-ID: <35f.1...@navsat.com>
>Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 18:33:00 -0500
>Organization: Navsat
MIKE: But it was posted Tues. Not Sat.
> II (716) 874-1505
>Lines: 36
CROW:[female] my size is 36, 28, 36.
>
>NX> Sega sucks big fat dick.
TOM: Wouldn't that be painful?
> Nintendo can roll the hell out of sega any
>NX>day!
CROW: OH Yeah!!
> the genesis, Sega CD, Saturn, and 32X all suck. And the Ultra 64(by
>NX>Nintendo) can kick the all the sorry Sega systems' butts.
CROW: I didn't know machines have hinders?
>NX> Nero X
TOM: Oh, THAT'S the guy who said that.
>NX>
>
>Geeze, what is with this wave of Nintendo Loving Sega bashers as of late???
TOM: Oh Nintendo...
CROW:[female] Oh Sega...
TOM: Oh Nintendo..
CROW:[female] Oh Sega...
[Mike hits Tom and Crow.]
TOM: Hey, what was that for??
MIKE: I hate Nintendo's and Sega's that love each other.
>It seems like every day I log on some plebian posts a message like this.
CROW: Well QUIT posting!
>And at worst, Nero has an .edu account, which we assume comes from a
>learning institution,
MIKE: You're just jealous cause you don't have an .edu account.
> but look at the horrid diction of his post:
TOM: Oh, and like yours is better? How do you spell geez?
>
>"Sega sucks big fat dick."
>
>Now does he mean Sega is sucking on a large man named Dick?
MIKE: Ewww Gross!!!
TOM: He could be, but it's what part of the guy he's sucking that's
important.
MIKE: Tom, don't.
>
>The rest of the statement makes no sense. What does "roll" mean when used
>as a verb in the second sentence????
CROW: He doesn't know what roll means?? Looks like you need to join Nero
with furthering your education.
>
>The third sentence passes, minus one capital letter...
MIKE: Like a kidney stone.
>
>And the fourth sentence makes me feel fortunate for Nero,
TOM: I thought this was alt.sega.genesis, not alt.english.101.
> since he seems
>to have an Ultra 64 there for his use, so he can compare it to the current
>systems sega has on the market.
CROW: Wish I did.
MIKE: Maybe Christmas.
>
>Nero, I hope you aren't getting any money from our government, because you
>don't seem to be using it to further your educational goals...
TOM: Neither are you.
>
>PS- We have forwarded your message to ALT.FAN.BESTIALITY.
ALL: EWWWW!!!
>---
> ~ KingQWK 1.05 ~ I want a shoehorn...the kind with teeth.
>hIMB7!
>
CROW: Yeah, and I wanna decide who lives and who dies. YOU'RE FIRST!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Internet: daniel....@navsat.com (Daniel Kotarski)
>Navsat II - Buffalo, NY - (716) 874-1505 - (716) 871-0218 - 1:260/182
TOM: Home of the Bills.
MIKE: No wonder this is a lousy post.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Well, that's the end of the short. Here comes the big guns.
[Commercials:] Exit 57, a rest stop for comedy? Nah, how about a DEAD END!
>
>Path: news1.delphi.com!news.delphi.com!uunet!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!news
>.sprintlink.net!nwnexus!news1.halcyon.com!coho!redrose
>From: red...@coho.halcyon.com (Joan L. Brewer)
TOM: I wonder what she's brewing today?
>Newsgroups: seattle.general,talk.rumors,alt.atheism.satire,alt.conspiracy,
>talk.religion.misc,alt.cyberpunk,alt.fan.bill-gates,alt.christnet,
>comp.os.ms-windows.
CROW: Version 2.0.
> advocacy,alt.fan.warlords
>Subject: Bill Gates Controls YOU!
MIKE: AAAH!!!
CROW: No he doesn't.
>Followup-To: seattle.general,talk.rumors,alt.atheism.satire,alt.conspiracy,
>talk.religion.misc,alt.cyberpunk,alt.fan.bill-gates,alt.christnet,
>comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,alt.fan.warlords
TOM: Don't ya just LOVE these cross-posters?
>Date: 21 Feb 1995 15:19:04 GMT
>Organization: NW NEXUS, Inc. -- Internet Made Easy (206) 455-3505
MIKE: Until net.kooks like Brewer come on.
>Lines: 176
CROW: Oh boy.
>Message-ID: <3id098$d...@news1.halcyon.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: coho.halcyon.com
>Xref: news1.delphi.com seattle.general:15048 talk.rumors:10993
>alt.conspiracy:70114 talk.religion.misc:97539 alt.cyberpunk:40311
>alt.fan.bill-gates:11027 alt.christnet:14640 comp.os.ms-windows.
>advocacy:57788
ALL: GET ON WITH IT!
>
>
>Please NOTE: I have no legal recourse at this time.
MIKE: But I will, right after this post.
> The information
>here is for the public and will not serve me in any way.
CROW:[Brewer] Except of course, it helps me to take over the world.
> I am beyond the
>statue of limitation with MS and Gates knows it. If it can happen to me
>it can happen to you too. This is the only reason I'm posting this data.
TOM: Yeah, to cause us pain.
>Don't READ it if you believe MS and Gates are clean and decent people.
MIKE:[Brewer] Don't read it if you believe I'm clean and decent.
>And don't waste your time downloading the GIF if you want to harass me
>more.
CROW: That depends.. is it an X-rated gif?
MIKE: CROW!
> No one can harass me more than the Billion$ man...
TOM: But I can try, can't I?
MIKE: Not you too???
> Other attempt
>are stupid...
MIKE: One attempt? That's not bad.
> You just don't have his money and power.
>
>No one in the media will permit me to tell my side of the story.
TOM: Not even the liberal media.
CROW: Have you been listening to Rush Limbaugh, again?
> I was one
>person one day.
MIKE: But now, I am several persons.
> Then after being blasted in the media by MS with false
>allegations, I was a criminal and treated as such in my local community.
TOM: So basically, your still one person. A person who's a criminal, but
still one person.
>There is no psychological research that supports such a change in
>personality as this.
CROW: After they read this post, they'll support it.
> Microsoft and Bill Gates are lying about the
>situation and me. I'm tired of People telling me I'm crazy.
MIKE: But you ARE.
> If someone
>can come up with a differenet reason for the MS harassment and censorship
TOM: Spacom?
>after reading all of this.....
CROW: There's more???
> ( I uploaded these using Zmodem with no
>compression or coversion. They work when I download them in the same
>manner. Distribute them at you will)
MIKE: Oh, like I'm going to download them?
>
>Content of directory - at ftp.halcyon.com -
>[coho]:/archive/pub/local/redrose/steve
CROW: I've heard of spamming the internet, but spamming an FTP site???
>
>I call the direcroty
TOM: The directory probably IS rotty.
> "steve" because he is one of the upperlevel
>executives
CROW: Juliewa?
MIKE: Dr. Forrester?
> Gates is attempting to censor me from. He said MS is morally
>and ethically correct.... In his dreams perhaps.
TOM: I wish this WAS a dream.
>
>I believe my present handicapped condition was the result of intentional
>harassment I went through at MS in 1990. I was hired under very bizarre
>circumstances and sent on a business trip just 3 days after hiring.
MIKE: And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
--------
Continued in Part II.
Claye Hodge
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^---^ ^---^ MST3K Tagline ^---^ ^---^
----CROW: Hey look! There's the Constellation Feces!----
-------------Right below Taurus, the Bull---------------
l------l ----
\ \\ll/ (____)
((o o) - CROW T. ROBOT TOM SERVO - l_ l
--0-^^^/\ 00 l
^^^^\---V -====-
Robert Church
>Here's a little complaint I found on alt.conspiracy about Bill Gates. Added
You know, if I was actually a Microsoft product it would explain a lot. I'm
always planning big things, but never get around to actually doing them.
Bob (just wait till next year) Church