MSTed: CIA, LSD, MST -- OH MY! pt 1/5 NEW!!!
Lisa D. Jenkins
Part 1
MiSTied by Lisa Jenkins
DISCLAIMER:
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright
1994 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, its employees or the
originators of the material for this post. This article is free to distribute
as long as its contents and this notice remain intact.
[Satellite of Love]
[The bridge is darkened except for the backlighting and the light reflected
off the rotating mirrored disco ball.]
TOM: [off-screen] Tonight! The Satellite of Love presents dancing sensations
-- the one and only disco-dancing duo -- Mike Nelson and Gypsy!
[MIKE enters stage left wearing a white '70s jacket and glittery silver vest
from a suit a la John Travolta from "Saturday Night Fever" over his green
jumpsuit. GYPSY enters stage right wearing a glittery gold evening gown with
a very low-cut front. They pose for the audience. Music starts, a la "Disco
Inferno." MIKE does some disco moves, namely the hip swivel and finger point
poises. MIKE dips GYPSY and swings her in a pseudo twirl. Strobe lights
pulse and multi-colored lights whirl.]
[Deep 13]
[DR F and FRANK watch incredulously.]
FRANK: That's disgusting!
DR F: Ugh! Bell-bottoms!
FRANK: Tab collars!
DR F: Bad hair!
[FRANK looks at DR F.]
DR F: [looks back at FRANK] What?
[Satellite of Love]
[MIKE and GYPSY finish with a pose. Multicolored lights focus on them.]
[Deep 13]
[FRANK is off-screen. DR F looks disgusted.]
DR F: So, you want to play rough, eh, Nelson? Fine. I'm sending you a post
that will really send you on a psychedelic trip. Frank, send them the
post.
[FRANK walks on screen wearing a brightly-colored suit with tab collars and
bell-bottom pants along with a dorky hat of the same bright color. He traces
the hat brim with his finger and gives a gun-point salute to DR F.]
DR F: [looks as though he will strangle FRANK] FRAAAAAAANK!
[Satellite of Love]
[Movie sign lights flash and buzzers sound. MIKE has GYPSY in a dip pose.
The buzzers surprise MIKE who drops GYPSY.]
GYPSY: [off-screen] Ooh!
MIKE: It's posting sign!
[Door sequence]
[Satellite of Love theater]
[MIKE discards his disco jacket and vest as he carries TOM into the theater.
CROW follows them in.]
TOM: I think you were pushing too far, buddy.
MIKE: Come on, Tom, the '70s are coming BACK!
TOM: Only in annoying late-night album anthology commercials, Mike.
> Newsgroups: alt.politics.org.cia,alt.activism,alt.drugs,alt.conspiracy
CROW: The CIA and drugs -- now THERE'S a good combination.
> Subject: LSD, the CIA, and Your Brain
MIKE: This is LSD. This is the CIA. This is the CIA on LSD. Any questions?
> Message-ID: <2hom17$c...@ionews.io.org>
> From: zod...@ionews.io.org (Zodiac)
TOM: You work well with others. You're going to meet the mate of your dreams.
You will loose your job and your respect soon after this post....
> Date: 21 Jan 1994 08:40:55 -0500
>
> What follows is a chapter from Martin Lee and Bruce Shlain's book, Acid
> Dreams_. The book is a terrific read.
CROW: Says you.
MIKE: The person's entitled to his or her opinions. And don't judge
beforehand!
CROW: You're not my real uncle!
> The following selection is
> chapter 1, which examines the development of the CIA's interest in the
> mysterious new drug, LSD. It is alternately funny, disgusting, and
> horrific.
TOM: Oh, great. Even the poster agrees this is going to be a really dark
trip.
>
> Lemme give you a preview of what follows.
CROW: A PREVIEW? Look, man, just get on with it!
>
> At first, the CIA thought LSD would make them virtual masters of the
> universe.
TOM: He-Man and She-ra! We have the power!
> Later, after sober second thought, they realized they might
> have to set their sights little lower,
MIKE: Darn. Have to settle for world domination instead.
CROW: I hate it when that happens.
> but they continued their
> enthusiasm for the drug (which Richard Helms called "dynamite").
MIKE: Or as J.J. Walker says--
ALL: DIIINE-O-MIIIITE!
>
> The CIA realized that an adversary intelligence service could
> employ LSD "to produce anxiety or terror in medically
> unsophisticated subjects unable to distinguish drug-induced
> psychosis from actual insanity".
TOM: Did you know Hannibal the Canibbal wasn't really insane? He was simply
on LSD.
> The only way to be sure that an
> operative would not freak out under such circumstances would be
> to give him a taste of LSD (a mind control vaccine?) before he
> was sent on a sensitive overseas mission.
MIKE: Talk about a long trip!
> Such a person would
> know that the effects of the drug were transitory and would
> therefore be in a better position to handle the experience.
CROW: [deep voice] Hey, man, I can handle LSD! I don't mind the flashbacks.
And the sensations of things crawling all over my body don't bother me
at all.
> CIA
> documents actually refer to agents who were familiar with LSD as
> "enlightened operatives".
MIKE: [spaced-out voice] I have taken LSD and have touched the sky.
>
> At one point, CIA employees were running around, dosing themselves and
> their buddies in acid to either "immunize" themselves to its effects, or
> just test its limits.
CROW: Whoo-hoo! The CIA was one really "happening" place in those days!
TOM: "Say, man, I think I'm immune now. Yeah. I only see three of you now."
> This part makes amusing reading -- to borrow the
> hackneyed phrase: truth is stranger than fiction.
CROW: Oh, sure. To you, it's funny. We're FORCED to read these things!
>
> Finally, someone had to clamp down on the CIA's LSD consumption.
TOM: The other members of the Pentagon were becoming intensely jealous and
wanted to have a budget for their own LSD parties.
> One of
> my favorite passages quotes a security memo (dated Dec. 15, 1954)
> dealing with a rumored proposal to "spike" the annual CIA Christmas
> party punch with acid.
TOM: "Memo to Agent 37 from 24: Last year's punch tasted like battery acid.
Please get someone else to do the punch for our annual CIA Christmas
party."
MIKE: "Memo to Agent 24 from 37: I received your memo and took it into
consideration. Agent 15 is now in charge of all punch mixes at annual
CIA parties."
CROW: "Memo to Agent 37 from 15: You said you wanted me to spike the punch
with acid, right?"
>
> The writer of this memo concluded indignantly and unequivocally
> that he did "not recommend [LSD] testing in the Christmas punch
> bowls usually present at the Christmas office parties".
MIKE: Yeah, but booze is okay. You can spike it with booze next year, Agent
15.
TOM: Besides, LSD was already mixed in with the hors d'oeuvres.
>
> CIA was consumed with interest in developing the perfect drug for every
> emotion/intellectual brain reaction. Dial-a-brain drugs.
TOM: Just call 1-900-BRAIN-DRUG and you'll be instantly injected with the drug
of your choice. Cost of call may vary with drug choice and calling
location. Void where prohibited. If under 18, ask your parents'
permission first.
>
> What's more, according to a document dated May 5, 1955, the CIA
> placed a high priority on the development of a drug "which will
> produce 'pure euphoria' with no subsequent letdown".
CROW: Cool! Mike, can I be a CIA agent when I grow up?
MIKE: I don't think so, honey.
>
> (I think I might place a "high priority" on such a thing myself...)
TOM: I speak for everybody when I say, "Yea, brother!"
>
> All this interest led to extravagant CIA funding of LSD research everywhere
> -- including a soon-to-be famous fellow named Timothy Leary.
MIKE: Coming to a newsreader near you: alt.fan.timothy-leary.
>
> The rest, as they say, is history.
>
>
>
> *
CROW: Hey, the screen went into one of those cute little squares like at the
end of an experiment. Is this the end, then?
TOM: We're not that fortunate.
MIKE: No, it's just a divider mark.
>
>
>
> _ACID DREAMS_
> The CIA, LSD and the Sixties Rebellion
MIKE: The two things that marked the Sixties Rebellion -- LSD and CIA.
TOM: And KGB, KFC, and BK Burgers!
>
> Martin A Lee and Bruce Shlain
> Grove Press, New York: 1985
> ISBN 0-394-55013-7
CROW: Mike, what's an "ISBN"?
MIKE: "It's Such Big News," it has it's own ZIP code.
>
>
> chapter 1
> IN THE BEGINNING THERE WAS MADNESS...
ALL: We KNOW.
>
>
> The Truth Seekers
CROW: Wow! Cool! What a great name for a band!
MIKE: No, it's just another tabloid news documentary show.
TOM: That's "The Crusaders," Mike.
MIKE: Oh.
>
>
> In the spring of 1942, General William "Wild Bill" Donovan, chief of the
> OSS, the CIA's wartime predecessor, assembled a half-dozen prestigious
> American scientists and asked them to undertake a top-secret research
> program.
MIKE: Donovan asked them to dress as women and pose in everyday situations to
satisfy his own kinky desires.
CROW: Ooo, Mike! I didn't know you had it in you!
MIKE: Hush, child.
> Their mission, Donovan explained, was to develop a
> speech-inducing drug for use in intelligence interrogations.
MIKE: [drugged voice] Hey, LSD makes me SMART, man!
> He
> insisted that the need for such a weapon was so acute as to warrant any
> and every attempt to find it.
TOM: Forget world peace! We need to find drugs that will make us absolutely
gibbering idiots!
>
> The use of drugs by secret agents had long been a part of
> cloak-and-dagger folklore, but this would be the first concerted attempt
> on the part of an American espionage organization to modify human
> behavior through chemical means.
MIKE: Well, not if you don't count the time Coke-a-Cola lived up to its
namesake.
> "We were not afraid to try things that
> had never been done before,"
CROW: Snorting, injecting, smoking -- we just needed something new.
> asserted Donovan, who was known for his
> freewheeling and unconventional approach to the spy trade.
TOM: I thought he was known for his hippy music of the '60s.
MIKE: That, too.
CROW: Wear your love like heaven, baby!
> The OSS
> chief pressed his associates to come up with a substance that could
> break down the psychological defenses of enemy spies and POWs, thereby
> causing an uninhibited disclosure of classified information.
TOM: I dream I am on a deserted island with Hitler who wears a frilly dress.
There, you HAPPY?
> Such a
> drug would also be useful for screening OSS personnel in order to
> identify German sympathizers, double-agents, and potential misfits.
MIKE: [sappy spaced-out voice] I'm not really a spy, I'm a delicate little
butterfly on the wind!
>
> Dr Windfred Overhulser, superintendent of Saint Elizabeth's Hospital in
> Washington, DC, was appointed chairman of the research committee. Other
> members included Dr Edward Strecker (then president of the American
> Psychiatric Association) and Harry J Anslinger (head of the Federal
> Bureau of Narcotics). The committee surveyed and rejected numerous
> drugs -- including alcohol, barbituates, and caffeine.
MIKE: These drugs had already lost their effectiveness by the introduction of
them to mainstream American usage.
> Peyote and
> scopolamine were also tested, but the visions produced by these
> substances interfered with the interrogation process.
TOM: Most patients claimed to have found God during those visions, but refused
to tell us the ultimate answers to life, the universe, and everything.
> Eventually,
> marijuana was chosen as the most likely candidate for a speech-inducing
> agent.
CROW: [inarticulately] *Sniff* Oh, yeah, dah. Sure, man. Uh hu. *Snort.*
Huh, huh. Huh, huh. Cool.
>
> OSS scientists created a highly-potent extract of cannabis and, through
> a process known as esterification, a clear and viscous liquid was
> obtained.
MIKE: In other words, using a bong was the most effective way to smoke pot.
> The final product had no color, odor, or taste. It would be
> nearly impossible to detect when administered surreptitiously -- which
> is exactly what the spies intended to do.
CROW: It's not like they wanted anyone to KNOW they were spies or anything.
> "There is no reason to
> believe that any other nation or group is familiar with the preparation
> of this particular drug," stated one classified OSS document.
TOM: Except for China, the Philippines, Cuba, India -- heck, just about
everybody!
> Henceforth, the OSS referred to the marijuana extract as "TD" -- a
> rather transparent cover for "Truth Drug".
CROW: So THAT'S what in those truth drug things they give to all those guys on
spy shows! Hey! I want to be on a spy show! I DARE you to drag the
truth outta me!
>
> Various ways of administering TD were tried upon witting and unwitting
> subjects.
CROW: I'm willing! Try me!
TOM: [sarcastically] No, Crow, he said "witting" -- and I'm waiting for you
to say one thing yet that's witty! [chuckles]
CROW: Lame, Tom, really lame.
MIKE: I agree. I think you're stretching it, Tom.
> OSS operatives found that the medicated goo could "be
> injected into any type of food, such as mashed potatoes, butter, salad
> dressing, or in such things as candy."
MIKE: Here, little girl. Would you like some drug-laced candy?
TOM: Next, RAMchips.
CROW: Mmm, hmm!
> Another scheme relied on using
> facial tissues impregnated with the drug.
MIKE: Uh, oh. Puffs Plus, anyone?
> But these methods had
> drawbacks. What if someone had a particularly ravenous appetite? Too
> much TD could knock a subject out and render him useless for
> interrogation.
CROW: Enough TD to knock him right out on his sorry Thanksgiving ass.
> The OSS eventually determined that the best approach
> involved the use of a hypodermic syringe to inject a diluted TD solution
> into a cigarette or cigar.
CROW: Now THERE'S a good reason to start smoking again!
MIKE: I don't think so, Crow.
> After smoking such an item, the subject
> would get suitably stoned, at which point a skillful interrogator would
> move in and try to get him to spill the beans.
MIKE: "Yeah, and then my girlfriend said, 'I don't wanna see you no more.' It
was horrible, I tell ya! Horrible!"
TOM: "Yes, Mr. Smith, but what about the super-secret BOMB?"
>
> The effects of TD were described in an OSS report:
ALL: "Really cool!"
>
> "TD appears to relax all inhibitions and to deaden the areas of the
> brain which govern an individual's discretion and caution.
TOM: It also made them write really lousy fan fiction which they posted to
various *.creative groups.
> It
> accentuates the senses and makes manifest any strong
> characteristics of the individual. Sexual inhibitions are lowered,
> and the sense of humor is accentuated to the point where any
> statement or situation can become extremely funny to the subject.
ALL: HAHAHAHAHA!
MIKE: [serious] That wasn't funny.
> On the other hand, a person's unpleasant characteristics may also
> be heightened.
CROW: Man, if you thought this guy was a really stinky guy before, you should
smell him AFTER smoking a pot-laced cigarette!
> It may be stated that, generally speaking, the
> reaction will be one of great loquacity and hilarity."
MIKE: He means, pretty funny stuff.
TOM: You said it.
>
> (This was a rather mild and playful assessment of the effects of
> marijuana compared to the public rantings of Harry Anslinger, the
> narcotics chief, who orchestrated an unrelenting media campaign against
> "the killer weed".)
TOM: He said something like, "ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!"
MIKE: Weed kills, man.
>
> After testing TD on themselves, their associates, and US military
> personnel,
CROW: --which is always safer and more ethical than testing it on apes or
monkeys--
> OSS agents utilized the drug operationally, although on a
> limited basis.
MIKE: They didn't want to use up their supply too quickly.
> The results were mixed. In certain circumstances, TD
> subjects felt a driving necessity "to discuss psychologically-charged
> topics. Whatever the individual is trying to withhold will be forced to
> the top of his subconscious mind."
TOM: I can't keep it a secret any more -- I can't! Mike, I'm having your
child!
MIKE: What?!
> But there were also those who
> experienced "toxic reactions" -- better known in latter-day lingo as
> "bummers".
CROW: Bummer, dude!
> One unwitting doper became irritable and threatening and
> complained of feeling like he was "two different people". The peculiar
> nature of his symptoms precluded any attempt to question him.
TOM: "So tell us, what made you believe you were living two separate lives,
Mr. Smith?"
MIKE: "I don't have to answer you, man! I let my split personality do things
like that."
>
> That was how it went, from one extreme to the other. At times, TD
> seemed to stimulate "a rush of talk"; on other occasions, people got
> paranoid and didn't say a word.
CROW: Don't speak to me, man! Don't you ever speak to me! I don't want
anyone to speak to me!
MIKE: Shut up, Crow.
> The lack of consistency proved to be a
> major stumbling block and "Donovan's dreamers" -- as his enthusiastic
> OSS staffers have been called --
TOM: The unenthusiastic ones were called traitors and were shot.
> reluctantly weaned themselves from
> their reefer madness. A handwritten comment in the margins of an OSS
> document summed up their stoned escapades:
ALL: "It was cool!"
>
> "The drug defies all but the most expert and searching analysis
> and, for all practical purposes, can be considered beyond
> analysis."
MIKE: [dopey voice] At least, we sure didn't understand much when we were
stoned.
CROW: Well, I feel drugged. I don't understand anything any more. Let's get
outta here.
[Door sequence]
[Satellite of Love]
[CROW and TOM wear white lab coats. Various lab instruments are on the table,
including tubes and glass jars, bunsen burners and piping. They are brewing
some kind of concoction. They are chuckling amongst themselves. MIKE walks
in.]
MIKE: What are you two doing?
CROW: Oh, uh.... Nothing!
TOM: Nope.
CROW: Not a thing!
MIKE: You're trying to re-create CIA's experiments with processed drugs,
aren't you?
TOM: Heh. You caught us.
MIKE: Oh, man. Where did you get the stuff to do this? [looks for the
illegal drug source]
CROW: It was easy. We found some packets of "instant weed grower" and we grew
it.
MIKE: You're kidding! [finds packet of "instant weed grower"; reads] "Grows
crab grass and dandelions in seconds. Just add water." [shakes head
and smiles] You guys, this is a packet of weeds.
CROW: That's right.
TOM: That's what it says, buddy!
MIKE: No, you don't understand. These are WEEDS!
TOM: Hey, we KNOW! Why do you think we are super secret agent SCIENTISTS?!
Geez!
[CROW and TOM laugh. Commercial sign lights flash.]
MIKE: [shakes head] We've got continuation sign. [looks back at CROW and TOM
who continue to laugh] That's enough.
[To be continued....]
--
Lisa Jenkins "At first, the CIA thought LSD would make them
jen...@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu virtual masters of the universe. Later,
after sober second thought, they realized
they might have to set their sights a little
lower...." --K.K.Campbell (Zodiac)