[MiSTied] UFO 3/3
Claye Hodge
>do not "contact" a colony of ants, and humans may seem that way to any
>aliens (variation: a zoo is fun to visit, but you don't "contact" the
>lizards); 3) such contact may have already taken place secretly; and 4)
such
>contact may have already taken place on a different plane of awareness and
>we are not yet sensitive to communications on such a plane. These are just
TOM: It's a sinch.. Just sniff some glue.
>a few of the reasons. You may add to the list as you desire.
>
>33.4 HUMAN FEAR AND HOSTILITY
>
> Besides the foregoing reasons, contacting humans is downright
>dangerous. Think about that for a moment! On the microscopic level our
>bodies reject and fight (through production antibodies) any alien material;
>this process helps us fight off disease but it also sometimes results in
>allergic reactions to innocous materials.
MIKE: Yeah, I'm getting hives from reading this post.
> On the macroscopic
(psychological
>and sociological) level we are antagonistic to beings that are "different".
>For proof of that, just watch how an odd child is treated by other
children,
>or how a minority group is socially deprived, or how the Arabs feel about
MIKE: Hey, this is the nineties.
TOM: Yeah, we only shun them, these days.
>the Israelis (Chinese vs Japanese, Turks vs Greeks, etc.) In case you are
>hesitant to extend that concept to the treatment of aliens let me point out
>that in very ancient times, possible extraterrestrials may have been
treated
>as Gods but in the last two thousand years, the evidence is that any
>possible aliens have been ripped apart by mobs, shot and shot at,
physically
CROW: They have more alien limbs than Dahmer had of humans.
MIKE: That was WAY too dark.
TOM: Hit HIM.
MIKE: Gladly. [Mike punches Crow.]
CROW: OW!
>assaulted, and in general treated with fear and aggression.
>
> In Ireland about 1,000 A.D., supposed airships were treated as
>"demonships." In Lyons, France, "admitted" space travellers were killed.
>More recently, on 24 July 1957 Russian anti- aircraft batteries on the
>Kouril Islands opened fire on UFO's.
CROW: Fire! Fire! Heheheheheh..
TOM: Yeah. Fire ROCKS! Huhuhuhuhuh
CROW: Heheheheh..
> Although all Soviet anti-aircraft
>batteries on the Islands were in action, no hits were made. The UFO's were
>luminous and moved very fast. We too have fired on UFO's. About ten
o'clock
>one morning, a radar site near a fighter base picked up a UFO doing 700
mph.
MIKE: We can thank the power of RADAR for detecting UFO's.
>The UFO then slowed to 100 mph, and two F-86's were scrambled to intercept.
>Eventually one F-86 closed on the UFO at about 3,000 feet altitude. The
UFO
>began to accelerate away but the pilot still managed to get within 500
yards
>of the target for a short period of time. It was definately saucer shaped.
>As the pilot pushed the F-86 at top speed,
CROW: If the pilot is pushing the F-86. Then who is in the cockpit?
> the UFO began to pull away.
When
>the range reached 1,000 yards, the pilot armed his guns and fired in an
>attempt to down the saucer. He failed, and the UFO pulled away rapidly,
MIKE: I wonder if the pilot was court marshalled.
>vanishing in the distance. This same basic situation may have happened on
a
>more personal level. On Sunday evening 21 August 1955, eight adults and
>three children were on the Sutton Farm (one-half mile from Kelly, Kentucky)
>when, according to them, one of the children saw a brightly glowing UFO
>settle behind the barn, out of sight from where he stood. Other witnesses
>on nearby farms also saw the object. However, the Suttons dismissed it as
a
>"shooting star", and did not investigate.
CROW: Proves that country folk are smarter than people think they are.
> Approximately thirty minutes
later
>(at 8:00 pm), the family dogs began barking so two of the men went to the
>back door and looked out. Approximately 50 feet away and coming toward them
>was a creature wearing a glowing silvery suit. It was about three and
>one-half feet tall with a large round head and very long arms.
TOM: He was the end result of an experiment to see if you could make a real
life Stretch Armstrong.
> It had
large
>webbed hands which were equipped with claws. The two Suttons grabbed a
CROW: Explain that. Webbed hands, equipped with claws.
>twelve gauge shotgun and a .22 caliber pistol, and fired at close range.
>They could hear the pellets and bullet ricochet as if off of metal. The
TOM: You could say he was a Man of Steel.
>creature was knocked down, but jumped up and scrambled away. The Suttons
>retreated into the house, turned off all inside lights, and turned on the
>porch light.
MIKE: TURN OUT THAT LIGHT!
> At that moment, one of the women who was peeking out of the
>dining room window discovered that a creature with some sort of helmet and
>wide slit eyes was peeking back at her.
TOM: A Peeping Tom alien.
> She screamed, the men rushed in
>and started shooting. The creature was knocked backwards but again
scrambled
>away without apparent harm. More shooting occurred (a total of about 50
>rounds) over the next 20 minutes and the creatures finally left (perhaps
>feeling unwelcome?)
MIKE: Well duhhhh.
> After about a two hour wait (for safety), the Suttons
>left too. By the time the police got there, the aliens were gone but the
>Suttons would not move back to the farm. They sold it and departed. This
>reported incident does bear out the contention though that humans are
>dangerous. At no time in the story did the supposed aliens shoot back,
TOM: It just had the characteristics of a Peeping Tom.
>although one is left with the imprssion that the described creatures were
>having fun scaring humans.
>
>33.5 ATTEMPTS AT SCIENTIFIC APPROACHES
>
> In any scientific endeavor, the first step is to aquire data, the
>second step to classify the data, and the third step to form hypothesis.
>The hypothesis are tested by repeating the entire process, with each cycle
>resulting in an increase in understanding (we hope). The UFO phenomenon
MIKE: They forgot one thing. Make sure the data is TRUE.
>does not yield readily to this approach because the data taken so far
>exhibits both excessive variety and vagueness. The vagueness is caused in
>part by the lack of preparation of the observer...very few people leave
>their house knowing that they are going to see a UFO that evening.
>Photographs are overexposed or underexposed, and rarely in color. Hardly
TOM: Well what do you think would happen to photographs when you try to draw
pictures and stuff on them?
>anyone carries around a radiation counter or magnetometer. And, in
addition
>to this, there is a very high level of "noise" in the data.
CROW: It's just line noise. That'll happen sometimes.
>
> The noise consists of mistaken reports of known natural phenomena,
>hoaxes, reports by unstable individuals and mistaken removal of data
>regarding possible unnatural or unknown natural phenomena (by overzealous
>individuals who are trying to eliminate all data due to known natural
TOM: And lets not forget the data we use a lot of times.. FALSE data!
>phenomena). In addition, those data, which do appear to be valid, exhibit
>an excessive amount of variety relative to the statistical samples which
are
>available. This has led to very clumsy classification systems, which in
>turn provide quite unfertile ground for formulation of hypothesis.
>
> One hypothesis which looked promising for a time was that of
>ORTHOTENY (i.e., UFO sightings fall on "great circle" routes). At first,
>plots of sightings seemed to verify the concept of orthoteny but recent use
>of computers has revealed that even random numbers yield "great circle"
>plots as neatly as do UFO sightings.
TOM: That depends.. are you using a Mac or IBM?
>
> There is one solid advance that has been made though. Jacques and
>Janine Vallee have taken a particular type of UFO - namely those that are
>lower than tree-top level when sighted - and plotted the UFO's estimated
>diameter versus the estimated distance from the observer.
CROW: Versus the distance of the observer from sanity.
> The result
yields
>an average diameter of 5 meters with a very characteristic drop for short
>viewing distances. This behavior at the extremes of the curve is well
known
>to astronomers and psychologists as the "moon illusion." The illusion only
>occurs when the object being viewed is a real, physical object. Because
MIKE: Not so.. You can do that effect with a good 3-D rendering program for
the computer.
>this implies that the observers have viewed a real object, it permits us to
>accept also their statement that these particular UFO's had a rotational
>axis of symmetry.
>
> Another, less solid, advance made by the Vallee's was their
plotting
>of the total number of sightings per week versus the date. They did this
>for the time span from 1947 to 1962, and then attempted to match the peaks
>of the curve (every 2 years 2 months) to the times of Earth-Mars conjuction
>(every 2 years 1.4 months). The match was very good between 1950 and 1956
TOM: All of this calculation stuff REALLY bores me.
>but was poor outside those limits. Also, the peaks were not only at the
>times of Earth Mars conjunction but also roughly at the first harmonic
(very
>loosely, every 13 months). This raises the question why should UFO's only
>visit Earth when Mars is in conjunction and when it is on the opposite side
>of the sun. Obviously, the conjunction periodicity of Mars is not the final
>answer. As it happens, there is an interesting possibility to consider.
[Want to MiST? Post to the LiST! E-mail Petrea Mitchell with
SUBSCRIBE in the message!]
>Suppose Jupiter's conjunctions were used; they are every 13.1 months. That
>would satisfy the observed periods nicelly, except for every even data peak
>being of different magnitude from every odd data peak. Perhaps a
combination
>of Martian, Jovian, and Saturnian (and even other planetary) conjunctions
CROW: HEY! What about Uranian, Plutonian, and Neptunian?
>will be necessary to match the frequency plot...if it can be matched.
>
> Further data correlation is quite difficult. There are a large
>number of different saucer shapes but this may mean little. For example,
>look at the number of different types of aircraft which are in use in the
>U. S. Air Force alone.
TOM: And look at the different types of Nut Houses around.
>
> In is obvious that intensive scientific study is needed in this
MIKE: How about spelling and grammar study?
>area; no such study has yet been undertaken at the necessary levels of
>intensity needed.
CROW: Neither has spelling and grammar studies been undertaken.
> Something that must be guarded against in any such study
>is the trap of implicity assuming that our knowledge of Physics (or any
other
TOM: Why did I have a feeling he was about to do Peter Graves ending on It
Conquered the World?
>branch of science) is complete. An example of one such trap is selecting a
>group of physical laws which we now accept as valid, and assume that they
>will never be superceded.
>
>Five such laws might be:
CROW: No littering.
MIKE: No smoking.
TOM: No dogs allowed.
CROW: No tresspassing.
TOM: No lame law jokes.
>
>1) Every action must have an opposite and equal reaction.
MIKE: You write this article..
CROW: We get bored to death.
>2) Every particle in the universe attracts every other particle with a
force
>proportional to the product of the masses and inversely as the square of
the
>distance.
TOM: They haven't even had time to know each other.
>3) Energy, mass and momentum are conserved.
>4) No material body can have a speed as great as c, the speed of light in
>free space.
>5) The maximum energy, E, which can be obtained from a body at rest is
E=mc2,
>where m is the rest mass of the body.
>
> Laws numbered 1 and 3 seem fairly safe, but let us hesitate and
take
>another look.
CROW: Let's not.
> Actually, law number 3 is only valid (now) from a
>relativistic viewpoint; and for that matter so are laws 4 and 5. But
>relativity completely revised these physical concepts after 1915, before
then
>Newtonian mechanics were supreme. We should also note that general
>relativity has not yet been verified. Thus we have the peculiar situation
>of five laws which appear to deny the possibility of intelligent alien
>control of UFO's, yet three of the laws are recent in concept and may not
>even be valid. Also, law number 2 has not yet been tested under conditions
TOM: What about law 5?
CROW: Yeah, and law 6 and 7.
TOM: There were no law 6 and 7.
CROW: Oh.
>of large relative speeds or accelerations. We should not deny the
>possibility of alien control of UFO's on the basis of preconceived notions
>not established as related or relevant to the UFO's.
MIKE: They do it on Star Trek. Why not UFO's.
>
>33.6 CONCLUSION
>
ALL: WHAT??!!!
TOM: NO! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
MIKE: Folks, we have just sighted a "Conclusion" to this article.
Fascinating.
CROW: YES! YES! YEEEEEES!
> From available information, the UFO phenomenon appears to have been
>global in nature for almost 50,000 years. The majority of known witnesses
>have been reliable people who have seen easily-explained natural phenomena,
TOM: They now reside in Happy Hills Institution.
>and there appears to be no overall possitive correlation with population
>density. The entire phenomenon could be psychological in nature but that
is
>quite doubtful. However, psychological factors probably do enter the data
CROW:[singing] The post is almost ooover. The post is almost ooover..
>picture as "noise." The phenomenon could also be entirely due to known and
>unknown phenomena (with some psychological "noise" added in) but that too
is
>questionable in view of some of the available data.
MIKE: It's just Line Noise. It CAN be fixed.
>
> This leaves us with the unpleasant possibility of alien visitors to
>our planet, or at least of alien controlled UFO's. However, the data are
not
>well correlated, and what questionable data there are suggest the existence
>of at least three and maybe four differnet groups of aliens (possibly at
>different states of development). This too is difficult to accept.
CROW: Just like the other stuff posted here.
> It
>implies the existence of intelligent life on a majority of the planets in
>our solar system, or a surprisingly strong interest in Earth by members of
>other solar systems.
>
> A solution to the UFO problem may be obtained by the long and
>diligent effort of a large group of well financed and competent scientists,
>unfortunately there is no evidence suggesting that such an effort is going
MIKE: That evidence not found, is good evidence. Shows people haven't lost
their sanity yet.
>to be made. However, even if such an effort were made, there is no
guarantee
>of success because of the isolated and sporatic nature of the sightings.
>Also, there may be nothing to find, and that would mean a long search with
>no profit at the end. The best thing to do is to keep an open and
skeptical
>mind, and not take an extreme position on any side of the question.
TOM: Even though this post tends to take a position on believing in them.
>
>This document and many others are available through the ParaNet
>Informational Service. For more information write to:
>
>ParaNet(sm) Informational Service
>P.O. Box 928
MIKE: Happy Hills Institution..
>Wheatridge, Co.
>80034-0928
>
>Data Line: 1-303-431-1343
>Voice Line: 1-303-420-6758
TOM: Clothesline.
CROW: Flat Line.
MIKE: Whose Line is it, Anyway..
BOTS: DOH!
>
>Michael F Corbin -- Director
>Don F Ecker -- Director Public Relations
>
CROW: Authors of this post, and current residents at Happy Hill.
>
>
MIKE: That's it guys.. Let's go. [Mike picks up Tom.]
CROW: Carry me. I've been sitting here so long, I can't feel my legs.
[Mike and the bots leave the theater.]
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Mike is working on what looks like a satellite dish, covered in Aluminum
foil and a bunch of light bulbs connected over it. The bots come on screen
still arguing.]
CROW: Tom, you mean to tell me.. with all of the visits we've had on this
satellite. You still don't believe in UFO's? Even though we've been
visited by the likes of Nuveena, that guy with the cork bottle
glasses,
Hugh Beaumont, the alternate universe Dr. Forrester, Valeria.
TOM: Hugh Beaumont is not an alien.. [they look at Mike.] Whatcha doing?
MIKE: Well, that post gave me an idea about how to get back to earth.
CROW: Yeah? How?
MIKE: They said that one explanation of reported UFO's are man made
satellites. Which is what this is. Covering this satellite dish with
aluminum foil and shining light on it will create a brighter and
larger light source. If we direct this light towards the earth,
someone may notice it and report it. That may mean our ticket home.
TOM: You really think it'll work? People haven't noticed this cord going
from the ground to the sky. That would be kind of obvious. How do you
expect them to see the light?
MIKE: It's worth a shot. [Directs it towards the left space port window.]
Ok Gypsy, turn it on NOW!]
GYPSY:[off-screen] OK. [The light bulbs turn on and a beam of light is going
out the space port.]
MIKE: I hope this works. [All of a sudden the light bulbs cut off and then
all of the lights on the SOL. We can still barely see Mike and the
bots.] Ut Oh.. [Mad light flashes.] I think we were just caught. What
do you think, Sir?
[D13]
[Dr. Forrester is standing beside a switch labeled "SOL Electricity". It
is positioned to OFF.]
DR.F: Try to pull a fast one on me, eh? Try again skanky boy! Just for that,
you'll be living the Dark Ages for a while. LITERALLY! Until next
time... [Dr. F pushes the button.]
THE END
directed by Claye Hodge
written by Claye Hodge
music composed and arranged by Claye Hodge
produced by Claye Hodge
edited by Claye Hodge
Special Thanks
RATM Posters Everywhere
Teachers of America
mis...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
[May it rest in Peace.]
edited in SHADOWWAMMA!!!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1995 by Best Brains Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Use of copyrighted or trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only. No infringement on original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
>Edited by: Major Donald G. Carpenter
>Co-Editor: Lt. Colonel Edward R. Therkelson
>
------------------------
Claye Hodge
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