MiSTed: Earth Women and Space Men

[Eric Simon]

[sol - Crow and Tom are in their usual places. There are various trading
cards scattered in front of them.]

TOM: Nothing doing, Gold-beaker. You're gonna have to lay more chips on
the table if you want to trade for *this* card.
CROW: Come on, Tommy, it's not like your life depends on owning that card.
TOM: What do you mean? I've spent my entire life getting and then
protecting this card! This card is everything!

[Mike enters)

MIKE: Hi boys. Oh wow! Bubble gum cards! I used to love these things!
I always used to save the gum until I had a big stack of it and eat
it all at once.
TOM: For your information, Mr. Nelson, these are *trading* cards, and they
do not come with bubble gum. The day of the bubble gum card is long
gone.
CROW: Yeah, today's card collector is no longer an immature juvenile, but
an immature middle-aged adult.
MIKE: Oh, I'm sorry. So what are you guys trading, anyway? Baseball?
Football?
TOM: Actually, Mike, Crow and I have taken up collecting physicist trading
cards. Crow was just in the process of trying to trade his two
battered Newton career cards for my crisp-as-new Stephen Hawking
rookie card. Not a chance, net-head!

[lights flash]

MIKE: Gee, I guess cards have gotten a lot more sophisticated since I was a
kid. Oh look, the Pere Ubu-lords are calling.

[Deep 13 - Dr F. and Frank are sitting at a table holding more trading
cards]

DR F.: Well, I'm still not sure it's worth losing both of my "Hanging Judge
Hathorne" rookie cards...
FRANK: [waving a card in front of Dr F.] Come on...it's a Marquis de Sade
error card. You know you want it.
DR F.: Are you sure you're not trying to cheat me? I'm still leary about
that Ghengis Khan career card I gave you.
FRANK: What do you mean? You got two second season Pontius Pilates for
that card!
DR F.: Well...okay, even though I don't remember Pilate doing much his
second season...[looks at camera] Well, if it isn't the Kingston
Trio. All set for this week's experiment?

[sol - Mike, Tom, Crow and Gypsy are all wearing hats with rotating arrows
on top]

MIKE: Wait, don't we get to do the invention exchange?

[Deep 13]

DR F.: No, I don't think so. It looks like you had too much fun doing it,
so we're going to go right into the experiment. It's a lovely little
piece on interstellar relationships by everyone's favorite reincarnated
alien, John_-_Winston.
FRANK: I'll throw in my John_-_Winston rookie card...
DR F.: Shut up, Frank, and get your grubby little hands off my Stalin
holograph card. Die harder, Mikey.

[sol, lights flashing - Mike is holding his hat, and the rest are still
wearing them]

MIKE: That's okay, we couldn't really get the magnets aligned anyway...
TOM: We've got post siiiign!!

6...5...4...3...2...o
Article 68162 of sci.skeptic:
Path: news.acns.nwu.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!sdd.hp.com!portal.com!portal
!cup.portal.com

MIKE: Wow, how many portals did this come through?

!John_-_Winston

ALL: NOOOO!
CROW: Oh, the pain! The pain!

From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com

TOM: [whimpering] Oh, why can't he just go away?

Newsgroups: talk.religion.newage,sci.skeptic,alt.paranormal
Subject: Earth Women And Spacemen.

MIKE: Looks like John is posting his fantasies again.

Message-ID: <112...@cup.portal.com>
Date: Sat, 21 May 94 17:11:20 PDT
Organization: The Portal System (TM)

CROW: More like the Porta-John System (TM).

References: <84...@cup.portal.com> <84...@cup.portal.com>
<110...@cup.portal.com> <CovBA...@cuug.ab.ca> <110...@cup.portal.com>
Lines: 103
Xref: news.acns.nwu.edu talk.religion.newage:19015 sci.skeptic:
68162 alt.paranormal:11726

Subject: Two Earth Ladies And Two Space Gentlemen.

CROW: [Minnesota-lady voice] Oh, well at least they're nice little space
gentlemen.
TOM: [same] Oh, yah. And they gave us this nice dish set, too.

Here is some information that has come my way about the
encounter of a couple of Earth women.

MIKE: I couldn't get it firsthand, because I don't encounter any Earth
women.

Here we go...............

TOM: Oh boy! Here we go!
CROW: Where?
TOM: Hopefully out of this post.

................................................................

MIKE: That is a really long ellipses.

It all began when my sister, Betty, and I were in a downtown St.
Louis coffee shop.

TOM: Wait a second...this wasn't actually written by John_-_Winston.
ALL: Yaaaaay!

We had been shopping and had stopped off to
get a coke and refresh ourselves.

ALL: [make throat-clearing noises]

While in the coffee shop we
were approached in a very mannerly way by two gentlemen dressed in
grey suits, who managed to interrupt into our private
conversation.

CROW: "Interrupt into"? That sounds distinctly Winstonian.
MIKE: Maybe he edited it.

As they spoke to us we found that they were from a
huge mother-craft orbiting the planet Earth, and that their names
were Elen and Zelas.

TOM: Wait a minute, they "found" all that? What, did the aliens drop
their wallets or something?

They told us that we had been very closely
watched by the Space People

CROW: *Please* don't tell me that's the name of their race.
MIKE: Actually, shouldn't it be "Spatial-American"?

for the last eight years, and that
our progress had been noted off and on from the time of our birth.

TOM: They told us we were worthless even as dog food.
CROW: Wait, so they were eight years old when this happened?

Betty and I

MIKE: So who's the author of this - Veronica?

were both inclined to think that someone was playing
a silly joke on us and we laughed when they told us this, but
they were not laughing and were serious and stern.

CROW: They took us to their slave-labor camps, where we worked for the
rest of our miserable existence.

We were
strangely shocked, however, when they told us of a few incidents
in our childhood that no one could have possible known except the
family.

TOM: [Brando voice] Betty, you and Veronica have disappointed the family...
MIKE: Wow, the mafia has contracts with the Space People!

They told us that we had been selected as contacts by
the people of space

ALL: Spatial-Americans!

to serve as channels

TOM: A&E?
CROW: Comedy Central?
MIKE: Ha?
CROW & TOM: Huh?

through which they could
give certain information to Earth, and that we had been carefully
watched, as I stated before.

MIKE: That was a really long-winded sentence.
CROW: A long-Winstoned sentence?
TOM: Hey, good one!

They told us of the reasons why the
space people were coming to Earth and that they were here to guide
Earth along the lines of Brotherhood and Science.

TOM: Not anywhere specifically, just sort of vaguely along those lines.


We were very much amazed at their words, and we noted
particularly the kindness and warmth that shone in their eyes.

CROW: ...or maybe it was the reflection of the trail of burning houses
they had left behind them.

With a single glance from them we seemed to sense the vast wisdom
and brotherhood which they must have lived among.

MIKE: How do you live among wisdom and brotherhood?
CROW: Maybe Elen and Zelas have friends named Wisdom and Brotherhood.
MIKE: Yeah, but how do sense that in a single glance?
CROW: Well, you just...oh I don't know, Mike. Just read the post.

After talking
with us for a little over two hours they left and told us they
would contact us again,

TOM: And you *bought* that line? Hey Betty, I've got a bridge to sell
you...

but it was not until a week later that we
were impelled

ALL: Ewwww!
CROW: Wow, I guess if you date an alien, you die a horrible, gruesome death.

to again return to the same coffee shop.

When we entered the door we again saw one of the Space Brothers,

TOM: Oh wait, are the Space People or Space Brothers?
CROW: They're Spatial-Americans!
MIKE: Power, Space Brother!

and he gave us instructions at that time for building a device
whereby we could contact the Space People.

TOM: He called it a "bong".

His instructions were
explicit and precise,

CROW: He was from the Department of Redundancy Dept.

for he warned us that unless we placed
every piece of the device in the proper place we would not be able
to contact them with it.

CROW: Oh, they got this out of _Being From Another Planet_!

We were not allowed to take the drawn
diagram of the device with us, but we had to remember it as it
was explained to us. When we obtained the proper pieces for
the device we constructed it when we returned home, and were happy
to find the results were satisfactory.

TOM: AAAAAGGGHHHH!!! [crying] Mike, if this wasn't written by
John_-_Winston, why is the grammar so *awful?*
MIKE: Well, maybe every person who is contacted by aliens has that part
of their brain removed.
CROW: Why can't the aliens take the *whole* brain?

We were amazed when we
tuned in on the mother craft

CROW: Oh, mama! Tune it in and turn it *up!*

and spoke with the same person we
had earlier seen. We were also allowed to speak with the
commander of the craft, who at that time was know as Alna.

MIKE: Although he now goes by "Roger".
CROW: ...the Shrubber?

In
the following six months we spoke many times with the space
people through the device, and received much information about
their homes, sciences and craft.

MIKE: Their needlepoint was simply marvelous.


In November of '57

TOM: What? Do you mean to tell me this story is forty years old?
MIKE: How lame, John must be running out of recent events to post.
CROW: Yeah, but this post suggests he has an almost endless supply.

I was alone in downtown St. Louis on business
then I was again contacted by the space people and at their
request went with them by automobile into Illinois where we drove
to a heavily wooded area.

TOM: [shadow traffic reporter] And it looks like traffic is going to
be slowed down for a while. There's a four-sentence pileup on
the southbound Dan Ryan Expressway...

There, I was told, was where they
landed when they had business or contacts to make in St. Louis.

CROW: Wait...how much business is there for aliens to do in St. Louis?

Settled back behind an old barn was a circular craft that I
judged to be approximately nine feet in height, and about 38 feet
in diameter. It had a domed top, but no portholes. The sliding
door was open and there was a uniformed operator sitting at the
controls.

MIKE: They have an operator for the door? They must have a lot of surplus
labor.

I was nervous although I knew no harm would come for me,

CROW: [deep voice] I am Harm, I have come for you.

and
I was visibly shaking, but Zelas only smiled as though to
reassure me.

TOM: But in reality, he was picturing my head on a platter.

The flight to the mother craft took approximately
15 minutes, and I was told the magnetism of the small craft
would not affect my watch since it would be balanced by the
magnetism of my own body.

CROW: Oh, well that makes se-...huh?

However, while in the mother craft
the magnetism of it caused my watch to stop, and it was
demagnetized in a small machine before I left.

MIKE: The mother craft was demagnetized in a small machine?
TOM: It's a Tardis!
CROW: Cool!

Inside the mother craft we entered the huge receiving room
for the smaller craft. There were many huge machines in this room,

TOM: Did they [sings] try to kill you with a-
CROW: Save it, Servo.

and there were also many other uniformed men standing around
obviously working upon the machines or moving them about. They
glanced at us when we entered , but then returned to their work
as before.

MIKE: It was obvious that I was mind-numbingly boring.

The hall that we entered was softly lit and was curved
both at the ceiling and corners.

TOM: Just like every other spaceship ever depicted.

We entered the first room to the
right which appeared to be a room for relaxing.

CROW: I was getting high just on the second-hand smoke.
MIKE: Crow...

There were
divans and contoured chairs with white upholstering that had a
thread or design of golden hue woven in it. The room was
meticulous and vast, and as I stood observing the beauty of it
three uniformed men approached us.

TOM: Why do we suddenly get vivid description while the rest of this
article has been so vague?

Their uniforms were of a
blue-grey color with a slight metallic look, and I learned the
jodphur type boots they wore

CROW: Jodphur? What the heck is jodphur?

were actually attached to the
uniforms, and were not a separate piece of apparel. The uniforms
were soft to the touch and the texture of velvet.

TOM: They looked at me funny until I stopped groping their clothes.

I was then
introduced to three men and learned that one was Alna, the
commander of all craft operation upon Earth.

MIKE: He said I could be queen of papier mache.
CROW: It was funny the first time, Nelson.

Alna spoke with a
very heavy accent, and was much darker than any of the other.

TOM: Any of the other what?

His skin had a high bronze tint to it, as compared with the
lighter complexions of the others.

CROW: Whew! Glad *that's* over!

JW I find it good to have this all explained from a women's
point of view.

TOM: Oh, thank you, John_-_Winston! Thank you for adding a completely
pointless and self-indulgent comment at the end of this piece of
crap!

Part 1.

ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Source Of Information: UFO UNIVERSE, SUMMER, 1994.

MIKE: Is he trying to imply this came from a reputable source?

John Winston.

CROW: What? No "_-_"?
TOM: Let's run while we still can, guys.

o...2...3...4...5...6

[sol]

TOM: Wow, that John_-_Winston! Even the stuff that he doesn't write hurts
a lot.
CROW: Yeah, I'll say. And what was that thing at the end where he said
this was a woman's, or should I say "women's" point of view? There
was nothing in this entire article that was uniquely feminine. All
we got was some factual description of an alien encounter. WHY IS
THAT SO DIFFERENT?
MIKE: Hey, take it easy, Crow. How does John_-_Winston know what is or
isn't a female perspective? Anyway, we better prepare ourselves,
I think there's a lot more where this came from.
TOM: You're telling me. That "Part I" is going to be in my nightmares for
months. It was just so...ominous.

[Deep 13]

DR F.: It's even worse than you think, my little gumbot. This series
contains - not two, not three, not four, but *five* parts! Yes, it's
a fistful of John_-_Winston, and you can't escape!
FRANK: Wow, Steve, that's even more evil than usual.
DR F.: I know, Frank, and do you know why I'm doing it?
FRANK: Uh, no.
DR F.: Because someday *I'm* going to be in the Evilness card collection
too! [they both laugh evilly] Push the button, Frank.

*click*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all associated names and trademarks are
completely and utterly the property of Best Brains, Inc. copyright 1994.
This is not meant to in any way infringe upon that ownership. It is also
not meant as a personal attack against John Winston, but he's just so hard
to take seriously.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This MiST written by Eric "Darkwing" Simon,
with a bit of help from Tom Walsh.

>I was visibly shaking, but Zelas only smiled as though to reassure me.