[MiSTied] Making Money Fast [Again!]
CO...@maine.maine.edu
scheme posted in alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die (who knows why). Well,
today another scheme appeared in the same group... not the same scheme,
and by a different author... I thought it would be a good idea to MiST
this one too. This is two seperate posts... The first one is the actual
scheme and the second one is a startling disclaimer...]
[Intro deleted because I'm a lousy writer]
[Joel, Crow, and Tom enter threater.]
CROW: Boy, that sure was a hilarious conversation we had with Dr. F.
Too bad the author of this MiSTing never writes intros so everyone
reading this missed it! Ha!
JOEL: Now, now, be kind to the readers.
>Path:
>maine.maine.edu!sol.caps.maine.edu!saturn.caps.maine.edu!news3.near.net!chaos.a
>c.neu.edu!camelot.ccs.neu.edu!dbulpett
CROW: A path that goes through Saturn, Maine, Camelot, and chaos?
TOM: Definetley not the Yellow Brick Road.
>From: dbul...@ccs.neu.edu (Dana R. Bulpett)
CROW: Shouldn't the names be censored out?
>Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die
JOEL: That group seems to attract this kind of post.
TOM: I guess chain-letter writers are the kind of people who
hate Barney.
>Subject: MAKE UP TO $100,000 IN 30 DAYS
CROW: ...AND AVOID PROSECUTION
>Date: 25 Jul 1995 19:49:23 GMT
TOM: I never understood why they had to abbreviate July to Jul. Does
one letter make any difference?
>Organization: College of Computer Science, Northeastern University.
CROW: Now we know who to thank for all these wonderful letters.
>Lines: 126
TOM: Huh, not as long as the last one. Guess they're getting shorter.
>Message-ID: <3v3hs3$o...@camelot.ccs.neu.edu>
JOEL: This was written in Camelot? These letters are older than I thought.
>NNTP-Posting-Host: alumni.ccs.neu.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
CROW: A tin newsreader?
JOEL: Aw, come on, you can do better than that.
>$$$ FOR YOUR RECIPES $$$
TOM: It's a money-making recipe! Get it?
>Please do NOT change anything contained in this letter EXCEPT as directed!
JOEL: Sounds like one of my old high school teachers.
>EARN AS MUCH AS $100,000.00 OR MORE IN 30 DAYS, LEGALLY!
CROW: And earn much more, illegaly!
>EARN MORE THAN EXTRA MONEY!!
TOM: How can you earn *more* than extra money? I don't get it.
>YOU WILL BECOME FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT!!
CROW: Yeah, you won't even need to use this scheme.
>Here's how to do it.
TOM: Instructions presented in English, Spanish, French, and German.
>IT WORKS EVERY TIME! Again don't change anything.
JOEL: Geez, how many times do you have to not change anything?
>Follow these instructions exactly and you could make $100,000
>in the next 30 days.
TOM: These instructions must be how to manufacture counterfeit
money.
This program REALLY works. It makes money
>for those who do it honestly! Take the time to read it COMPLETELY!
JOEL: If you did things honestly, would you be reading this?
>I know, ordinarily, we disregard these letters because they usually don't
>work like they're supposed to, but this ONE is DIFFERENT!
CROW: Instead of not working like it's supposed to, it doesn't work
at all!
>Carl Simmonds used this legal program last year and made $82,360 in cash
>the first time he used it. Needless to say, he quit his job immediately
>paid off all debts in full, and started another mailing.
TOM: ...And is now serving a twenty-year sentence at San Quentin.
>Believe me, this is an EASY opportunity. You can do this all on your
>computer,
>by "JUST PRESSING A FEW BUTTONS".
JOEL: Hey, I press a few buttons on my computer evry day, and I'm
not rich yet.
You will EASE YOUR FINANCIAL
>PRESSURES,
TOM: By being forced to declare bankrupcy...
>and begin to make GOOD things happen for you and your family. READ ON!
CROW: How is being arrested a good thing for your family?
>* * * * * * * INSTRUCTIONS * * * * * * *
JOEL: You must follow all instructions exactly, or you will be shot.
>1. Send $2.00 (cash only) inside a sheet of carbon paper or construction
>paper, and send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to each of the DEALERS
>(1 through 4) below for the recipes they offer.
CROW: Yeah, like everyone has construction paper lying around the house.
JOEL: A recipe dealer? Would you let this guy near your children?
>2 Save this letter on disk. Remove the name, and recipe title that
>is in the number 1 position. Move the others up a space. Put your name,
>address, and the name of your recipe in the number 4 position.
CROW: Notice that they wait quite a while before even hinting this is
a chain letter.
>3 Post this file just as it appears (with your name, etc.) in 10
>different
>places on-line (newsgroups, forums, etc.). Do the postings between 6 a.m.
>and 7 a.m. Friday, Saturday or Sunday to get the highest position and have
JOEL: Yeah, like anyone's awake at 6 a.m. Saturday.
CROW: Say, why was the word "different" on its own line?
TOM: I guess they wanted to emphasize the fact that they all had to be
different places.
>your posting read first. Ten postings should yield about 100 responses,
>which
>should then yield about $100,000.
JOEL: The only way that would be true was if each of 100 people gave
you $1000 each.
TOM: I guess wealth is expensive.
>4 **When the money begins coming to your HOME MAILBOX, put your recipe
>in the provided SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE - sit back, smile, and
>know that you
CROW: ...are a gullible fool who has broken about 500 different federal laws.
>NOW OWN AN HONEST AND EASY SMALL HOME-OPERATED BUSINESS!
JOEL: Making chain letters!
KNOW ALSO, THAT
>YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING SMART TO ACHIEVE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE!
TOM: Too bad this wasn't it.
>* * * * * LOOK AT THESE FIGURES WITH ONLY A 15% RESPONSE! * * * * *
JOEL: Just how do you look at something with a response? What form
do you want our responses to take?
TOM: Whatever the form is, remember to only give a 15% response.
>Step 1: Fifteen dealers mail at least 15 letters each with your name in
>position #3 AND send you a request for a recipe and $2 each or $30.
CROW: What?
>Step 2: Two hundred and twenty five (225) dealers mail at least 15
>letters with
>your name in position #2 AND send you a request for a recipe and $2 each
>or $450.
CROW: This guy uses original line spacing.
JOEL: When they request a recipe, what do you give them? The instructions
said nothing about preparing a recipe.
>Step 3: Three thousand three hundred and seventy five (3,375) dealers
>mail
>at least 15 letters with your name in position #1 AND send you a request
>for a
>recipe and $2 each or $6750.
CROW: What happens if you don't give them a recipe? Will the cops knock
at your door?
JOEL: So you get more than three thousand e-mail messages within a few days?
If it happened to me my computer would explode.
TOM: Imagine if they were all sent by conventional mail. Your mailman
could be crushed under the weight!
>Step 4: Fifty thousand six hundred and twenty five (50,625) dealers send
>you
CROW: ...their love
>a request for a recipe and $2 each or $101,250.
JOEL: How do they expect you to respond to more than fifty thousand
letters? Even if your computer survived the amount of mail it would
be rather hard work, wouldn't it?
CROW: Maybe they expect you to hire a staff. You're rich now, remember.
>TOTAL CASH RECEIVED (15% RESPONSE) $108,480.00
JOEL: Oh, *that's* what he meant by a 15% response.
>ELAPSED TIME: 30 days! Everyone responding immediately.
CROW: So, you have the choice of using e-mail, in which case your
computer will explode from the number of messages, or conventional
mail, in which case your mailman will sue you for having caused him
major health problems from the load he had to carry! Either way, you're
on the road to riches!
>ADVANTAGE: $8 Initial investment.
TOM: How is an initial investment an advantage?
>Professional care has been taken to insure that this Marketing Plan does
>NOT violate any laws! (Reference U.S. Code, Title 18: Section 1302, 1343,
>and TITLE 39, Section 3005).
JOEL: Would you call these guys professionals?
>The key factor is that we are Mailing Merchandise...OUR TREASURED RECIPES.
TOM: Recipes for crack, pot, pills...
>Be honest in every way. Be sure to keep accurate records of income
>for Income Tax purposes.
JOEL: Be honest in every way. Do not use this program.
>GOOD FORTUNE TO YOU!
CROW: Until you're locked up!
>* * * * * * * * DEALERS LISTED * * * * * * * *
>1. S.R. (Oatmeal-Pecan Cookies)
> P.O. Box 411496
> Los Angeles, CA 90041
JOEL: Who shot S.R.?
>2. T.H.Chan (Walnut brownies)
> 10 Delisle Place
> Mairangi Bay
> Auckland
> New Zealand.
CROW: New Zealand? This is an international recipe-exchanging scheme!
>3. E. W. G. (Pork Stew)
> 6624 Wilson Lane
> Bethesda, Md. 20817
> U.S.A.
TOM: Would you trust somebody whose initials spelled Ewg and who was
offering to give you his recipe for pork stew?
>4. D. Bulpett (Meat Loaf)
> 4 Nutty Hill Road
> Hingham, MA 02043
JOEL: Nutty Hill Road?
CROW: Appropriate.
>******************************************************************
>S. Finch -- I made $141,000 the last time I used this program. It REALLY
>WORKS!
CROW: I made $141,000 using the program, and I made $50,000 more
working in the prison factory!
>******************************************************************
>J.S. Holliman -- I am a skeptical person by nature. But I knew
>this program was different. Over a period of 1 1/2 months, I received
>a total of $137,870 in the MAIL!
TOM: For some reason he feels he needs to type MAIL in all caps.
>******************************************************************
>P.S. Why not try it yourself? Mathematically it is possible, but
>ONLY IF EVERYONE PARTICIPATES!
JOEL: What do you think are the chances he'll get everyone in the
world to participate?
This system works for the BENEFIT OF
>ALL, so remember to begin with your name in the #4 position, for MAXIMUM
>SALES and PROFITS! THIS IS EASY AND YOU GET LOTS OF MONEY!!
TOM: You need to get the maximum sales and profits, for the benefit
of all!
>GOOD LUCK !!!!!
JOEL: You're gonna need it!
[All leave.]
[SOL]
CROW: Well, Dr. F., wasn't that a fun converation we had? Too bad everyone
missed it! Ha!
[D13]
DR. F.: Very funny. Because we don't spend much time in skits
because this author can't write them, I'll just give you the rest right
here. It's rather short. I like to call it the Galaxy's Greatest Disclaimer.
It was posted just hours after what you just read, by the same person.
[Disclaimer:]
>RETRACTION:
>I recently posted this article but I have been told that it may be
>illegal. Please do not send any money.
>THANK YOU.
[SOL]
JOEL: Well, uh, wow, that's the mother of all disclaimers.
CROW: I haven't felt like this since "Manos: Hands of Fate"!!!
TOM: I thought he specifically said it wasn't illegal!
JOEL: Yeah, he even gave a source!
[D13]
DR.F.: Well, I guess they've suffered enough. Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: Why? I haven't had a single line so far in this post and now
you're asking me to do something? Forget it.
DR.F.: You would have if the intro had ever been written. Push it.
[Button mysteriously pushed even though nobody makes a move toward it]
The characters above are the property of Best Brains, Inc.
OOOOOO RRRRRR FFFFFF II EEEEEE :-) Orfie
O O R R F II E_____ CO...@MAINE.maine.edu
O O RRRRRR FFFFFF II E^^^^^ "When you eat an egg, don't
OOOOOO R R F II EEEEEE think about how it was made."