[MiSTied] Aliens Invade Prime Time 1/2
Claye Hodge
to MiST usenet posts please avoid getting your e-mailbox flooded by simply
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[Beginning Theme]
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Close up of Gypsy, wearing glasses, a beard, and a robe.]
GYPSY: Court is now in session.
[Cambot fades back to show all the desk. On the left side, Crow is wearing a
suit, Tom is wearing a short brown wig. On the right side, Mike is wearing
a short blonde wig, and a coat.]
TOM:[female] Okay Sir, you say that the accused was acting nervous, and as
if he was hiding something?
MIKE: Yes.
TOM:[female] And that you saw evidence of the crime that was commited?
MIKE:[cough] Yes.
TOM:[female] Where?
MIKE: On the floor.
TOM:[female] Was there a trail leading from the evidence?
MIKE: Yes, there was.
TOM:[female] And according to where the trail ended... Point to the person
who you think did the crime.[Mike points to Crow.] So, you say the
defendant is the perpetrator?
MIKE: Yes. [Tom moves quickly under the desk, and pops up without the wig,
but wearing a tie.]
TOM:[male] I object, your honor! She is leading the witness! [Tom goes under
the desk again.]
GYPSY: Objection sustained. [Tom pops back up with the wig on and tie off.]
TOM:[female] Were there any distinguishing markings that would lead you to
believe who the perpetrator was?
MIKE: Yes.
TOM:[female] And you believe the perpetrator is the defendant?
MIKE: Yes. [commercial sign light flashes.]
GYPSY: The court finds Crow T. Robot GUILTY of... pigging out on ramchips
which were to be saved for later. [Sound of mallet pounding.]
[Mike takes his wig off and looks at the screen.]
MIKE: What did you think this was? The OJ Simpson Trial? [Mike taps
commercial sign light.]
[Commercials]
[SOL]
CROW: I thought we were parodying that show, Jones and Jury.
GYPSY: Well I thought this was the Heidi Fleisce case.
MIKE/CROW/TOM: HUH??
[Mad light flashes.]
GYPSY: Nevermind.
MIKE: Hush you guys! Marcia Clark is calling. [Mike taps Mad light.]
[D13]
[Deep 13 isn't looking too clean these days. Trash on the floor. Clothes
scattered. Ironing board in the middle.]
DR.F:[sorta depressed] Oh.. Hi Mike.. Servo.. the others.. Not much going on
over here at Deep 13 these days.. since I have no one to kill.. or to
have torchered... [pulls out a hanky.. and blows.]
[SOL]
GYPSY: Awwww...
TOM: Poor fella..
MIKE: Yes, well.. Dr. Forrester, we know you're a little down in the dumps
and stuff, so the bots and I decided to each give you a card, to lift
up your spirits. We sent them down the umbilicus. Hope you like them.
[D13]
[Dr. F is holding a couple of cards.]
DR.F: Oh gee, thanks.. I.. I don't know what to say...
[SOL]
MIKE: Well go on and read'em.
[D13]
DR.F: Oh. Well... Okay.. [opens a card] This one's from Tom Servo..
[reading]
Dear Dr. Forrester... Sorry to hear about your loss... Best Wishes..
even though I don't really care for..[confused look] you... in fact..
I really hate.. your guts. Servo. [stops reading] Uh.. well maybe the
others are better. [opens another card] Ahh.. Gypsy.. [reads] Deer
Dr. Forstar..[clears voice] Richard Basehart. Richard Basehart...
Richard Basehart... Sincerely Richard Basehart, Gypsy.. [stops
reading]
Well, the sentiment counts.[opens card] From Mike [reads] Dear...
[stops reading] Why are the words "Place name here", marked out?
[continues to read] Ahem.. Dear Dr. Forrester... Best Wishes and hope
you get well soon from the... LOBOTOMY??? [a little bit preterbed, he
opens the last card and reads it] Dear Dr. Clayton Forrester, I hope
you die a painful and horrible death, knowing that you were alone and
that nobody ever cared or ever WILL care about you... signed Crow...
[sighs] T. Robot. Oh THANKS, guys. I couldn't have felt any better...
[SOL]
TOM:[sarcastic] Oh nice one, Crow.
MIKE: I hope you die a painful death??? CROW?? How could you do that???
CROW: I suppose your card was better, Mike "Get well soon from your
LOBOTOMY"
Nelson??? Hmmm???
GYPSY: Mine was better than all of yours.
[D13]
DR.F: No big deal.. It's not as if I was going to be easy on you with this
week's experiment. It's a post about Aliens invading Primetime, with
a short that was sent as mail fodder to a group of Delphi users.
Enjoy.[pushes the button.]
[SOL]
MIKE:[to Gypsy] All you wrote was Richard Basehart.
TOM:[to Crow] Why didn't ya just send him a dead rat?
CROW:[to TOM] and I QUOTE.. in fact I really hate your guts.. UNquote.
That, if I remember correctly is what YOU wrote, Servo.
GYPSY:[to Mike] You gave him a get well from a lobotomy, card.
[Lights start to flash.]
MIKE:[to Gypsy] But Gypsy, you mispelled his name and.. Oh.. WE'VE GOT POST
SIGN!
ALL: POOOOOOOOOOST SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGN!!!!!
[{}...6...5...4...3...2...@...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike sits Tom down.]
MIKE: You know, the next time I think of an idea for a sentimental project..
Someone, please knock me out of my senses. You guys, sentimental?? HA!
CROW: Ok Mike, we don't want to give someone a "get well from your lobotomy"
card, again. Do we?
>From: IN%"gui...@indirect.com" 9-MAR-1995 13:05:23.05
TOM: Posts from indirect.com are always misleading.
>To: IN%"CRAF...@delphi.com", IN%"CRAIG_B
MIKE: Nimble, Craig B quick...
> @delphi.com",
>IN%"CRAN...@delphi.com"
TOM:[old guy] Jelly by Schmuckers.. If the name isn't Schmuckers...
> , IN%"CRAN...@delphi.com",
CROW: Yep, these people were definitely crankbait for Guignat fodder.
>IN%"CRAZY...@delphi.com", IN%"CRE...@delphi.com",
>IN%"CRH...@delphi.com", IN%"CRI...@delphi.com",
TOM: What's a Criffle?
> IN%"CSC...@delphi.com"
ALL: GOD BLESS YOU!
>CC:
CROW: Is it safe to say that this guignat character used the C directory on
Delphi for his e-mail?
>Subj: $25,000/mth
>
>Return-path: <gui...@indirect.com>
>Received: from bud.indirect.com by delphi.com (PMDF V4.3-9 #7804)
TOM: As opposed to Version 5.0?
> id <01HNXLP01...@delphi.com>; Thu, 09 Mar 1995 13:05:13 -0500 (EST)
>Received: from workstation60.indirect.com
CROW: This guy really WORKS for a living???
> (workstation60.indirect.com [165.247.1.60]) by bud.indirect.com
TOM:[female] BUD.
MIKE:[kid] It's Kenny.
>(8.6.5/8.6.6)
> with SMTP id LAA26174; Thu, 9 Mar 1995 11:04:29 -0700
>Date: Thu, 09 Mar 1995 11:04:29 -0700
>From: gui...@indirect.com (Gilles Guignat)
TOM: Dobie Gilles.
> (by way of gui...@indirect.com (gilles guignat))
>Subject: $25,000/mth
>X-Sender: gui...@indirect.com (Unverified)
MIKE: You want verification??? Verify THIS!
>To: CRAF...@delphi.com, CRA...@delphi.com, CRAN...@delphi.com,
> CRAN...@delphi.com, CRAZY...@delphi.com, CRE...@delphi.com,
> CRH...@delphi.com, CRI...@delphi.com, CSC...@delphi.com
ALL: GOD BLESS YOU!
>Message-id: <1995030918...@bud.indirect.com>
>MIME-version: 1.0
>X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Version 1.4.4
CROW: 1.4.4??? I'd hate to see what Version 0.0.1 was like.
>Content-type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
>Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT
MIKE: HEY! He bit me!
>
>ANNOUNCING THE NEW, INCREDIBLE, FORTUNE PRODUCING, FIRST TIME EVER OFFERED
ALL: AAAH!!!
>" DEARING APPRENTICE MILLIONAIRE TRAINING PROGRAM"
MIKE: Dearing???
> (DAMTP).
CROW: HEY! Is he cussing?
MIKE: I don't think so.
>
>(Your income potential in this venture will absolutely shock you!)
[Mike raises his hand like he's touching the screen. Hand still in the same
spot he starts shaking wildly.]
TOM: Mike? MIKE?!?
CROW: HEY! Mike, what's the trouble?!?
TOM: Crow, do something! [Crow gets up out of his seat and rams Mike. Mike
falls down. Crow sits down.] Mike. Buddy, are you okay?
[Mike gets up and into his seat.]
CROW: Are you alright?
MIKE: Brrr..[shivers] Whew. Yeah, I'm fine.
TOM: What happened?
MIKE: It shocked me.
TOM: DOH!
>
>With my proven cash-generating system, I plan to make 100 new millionaires
>in the next 24 months! With expert personal coaching from me you'll learn
>how to MAKE $25,000/TH AT HOME BY PHONE, FAX,MAIL, E-MAIL, AND COMPUTER..
CROW: HEY! This looks more like that Making Money Fast scheme.
>You will be building a huge repeat monthly income that just keeps growing
>at an astronomical rate.
MIKE: The Amazing Colossal Cash Fraud!
>
>THIS IS THE GREATEST WEALTH PRODUCING VEHICLE EVER....DESIGNED FOR YOU THE
>BEGINNER!
TOM: Geez! Ya don't have to YELL!
>
>You can make more money in one day than most people make in one month...
CROW: Of course you can, compairing this plan with the wage of someone who
flips burgers.
> or
>one year! I have totally eliminated the need for you to go through a trial
>and error type training on your way to amassing a fortune for yourself! You
MIKE: Why?? Because the training is full of errors, anyway.
>can literally have thousands of dollars coming to you...inside of two
>weeks! I can let you talk to people who have, and are doing it.
TOM: Ewww! I don't want to read that part!
>
>With the DAMTP
CROW: Are you SURE he isn't cussing?
> you won't make a million dollars by Friday, sorry to
MIKE: You won't make a million dollars at all.
>disappoint you. No lies here. But you can almost immediately start making
>more money than you've ever dreamed possible soon after being enrolled in
>the DAMTP.
CROW: Ok, that's it. This guy is definitely cussing! You can't convince
me otherwise. Now, just who is TP?
> Then week after week your income can grow into a mega-monster
>cash generating machine!
TOM: Does he have claws and scales???
> And remember I'm backing up these claims with a
>phenomenal 150% money back guarantee!!!!!!
MIKE: But there is no such thing as 150 percent.
>
>Because I am sending you this message in ASCII format, I have condensed the
>DAMTP program to the essential facts.
CROW: QUIT CUSSING![Mike puts his hand on Crow.]
MIKE: That's enough, Crow. [Takes hand off of Crow.]
> If you would like the comprehensive
>offer please e-mail me your postal address along with a self addressed
TOM: These bozos really think you are THAT gullible to send them your mail
address?
>stamped envelope. If you have a fax number e-mail me your number and I will
>fax the program to you.
CROW: Along with the most recent copy of money making scheme being posted
on the internet.
> Once you get the information, my phone number will
>be included so that if you have questions you can call.
MIKE: Well, it would be fun to act like you're interested, just to get his
phone number.
TOM: Hahaha.. Now you're talking!
>
>Thanks again for your time. Gilles.
ALL: SHUT UP!
>
>
MIKE: Well, I guess that drivel is over with.
>
>
>
[Commercials]
>Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
TOM: Rush Limbaugh?
> ,alt.paranet.ufo,alt.conspiracy
MIKE: Alt.usenet.kooks, alt.spam, alt.flame...
>Path: news1.delphi.com!news.delphi.com!uunet!solaris.cc.vt.edu!insosf1.
>infonet.net!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!ix.
>netcom.com!netcom.com!thad
CROW: Thad! Pow! Whack!
>From: th...@netcom.com (Thad Floryan)
>Subject: Aliens Invade Primetime;
TOM: Yep, definitely Rush Limbaugh.
> and Scallion update
>Message-ID: <thadD5s...@netcom.com>
>Followup-To: alt.alien.visitors
>Keywords: programming, communication, ", MA", predictions
CROW: Nonsense, spam, dumb...
>Organization: Personal account at Netcom Public Access UNIX
>Date: Tue, 21 Mar 1995 16:13:29 GMT
>Approved: mode...@alien.ufo.com
MIKE: It's REALLY bad when the administrators and moderators of these groups
go along with this stupidity.
>Lines: 158
>Sender: th...@netcom2.netcom.com
>Xref: news1.delphi.com alt.alien.visitors:54871 alt.paranet.ufo:21013 alt.
>conspiracy:73764
>
>Last evening (Monday), though I had just returned from a shopping spree at
>my local supermarket, I just didn't feel up to cooking dinner, so I called
>the local Round Table Pizza to place a take-out order,
MIKE: ToRgO's pIzZa, MaY i TaKe yOuR OrDeR??
BOTS: Ewww!
> then drove to there
>to pick up the order.
>
>While waiting for my order, I noticed a large stack of the current issue of
>"Psychic Reader" newspapers available free to patrons of the establishment.
TOM: I'm going against the establishment, man!
>
>A headlined article "Are Aliens Invading Primetime?"
MIKE: Yes?
TOM: No?
CROW: Maybe?
> caught my attention so
>I brought a copy of "Psychic Reader" home with my order; "Psychic Reader"
is
>published by:
>
> Deju Vu Publishing Co.
> 2210 Harold Way
> Berkeley CA 94704-1425
>
> 1-510-644-1600
TOM: Talk to Dionne Warwick, live!
>
>and this issue is March 1995, Volume 20, Number 3.
>
>Definitely a good read for the UFO and channeling believers, conspiracy
>theorists, "New World Order"-watchers, etc.
CROW: In other words, every single net kook.
>
>On page 11 is found for your edification, amusement, whatever, quoted in
its
>entirety (note the flagged "===>" items and my comments in [...]):
TOM: But our comments will be funnier.
Claye Hodge
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^---^ ^---^ MST3K Tagline ^---^ ^---^
----CROW: Hey look! There's the Constellation Feces!----
-------------Right below Taurus, the Bull---------------
l------l ----
\ \\ll/ (____)
((o o) - CROW T. ROBOT TOM SERVO - l_ l
--0-^^^/\ 00 l
^^^^\---V -====-