MiSTed: A Letter From Steve...
MgcVoice
E-mail me at TD5...@shire.ac.arknet.edu or MgcV...@AOL.com... and thanks!
=^D
<Theme Song>
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<SoL Set>
(A stereotypical game show set. Lights surround the door. A sign, "The
$1,771 Musical Mishaps" is hanging above the door. Crow and Tom occupy
two contestant podiums on the right, while Mike stands behind the host's
podium.)
MIKE: OK, the score right now is 1-0 with Crow in the lead. Next tune,
Cambot!
<Tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star starts playing>
<Crow and Tom poise to hit their buttons, as if they know the song but
can't think of the title. Tune ends.>
MIKE: Oh, I'm sorry, you two, but that was "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star."
TOM: Well, it doesn't help that I don't have ARMS to hit the button,
Mike...
CROW: It's not like you've known any of these...
MIKE: Well now, to help you out from time to time, our lovely singer Gypsy
will sing the lyrics to a song, and if you listen close, you just might
hear the title... take it Gypsy!
<Gypsy appears in the middle>
GYPSY: o/~ London Bridge is falling down... o/~
CROW: <buzzes in and jumps up and down> I've got it!
MIKE: Waddya got, Crow?
CROW: It's "I Will Remember You" by Amy Grant!
<Mads light starts flashing>
MIKE: Oh, I'm sorry, contestants, but time is up for this game, 'cause Mr.
Lucas and Mr. Humphries are calling.
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Oh, hello Winky! We're kind of busy right now; Frank has decided
that he wants to try out for Jeopardy.
<Frank, who is standing behind a podium, asks Dr. F.>
FRANK: I'll take Math for $20, Clay.
DR. F: The answer is: The square root of 1771.
FRANK: (rings in) What is pi?
DR. F: <groan> Well, anyway, your posting this time is from none other
than the illustrious Steve Case, president of AOL... enjoy... Frank, push
the button.
FRANK: (rings in)
DR. F: No...oh, here... <pushes button>
ALL: WE'VE GOT CHEESY LETTER SIGN!!!
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TOM: <entering> You see, if you'd given me one of those little buzzers on
a cord...
>>A Letter From Steve Case, President of AOL
MIKE: Voted Most Likely to Head a Computer Service in high school.
>>March 1, 1995
CROW: A date that will live...
MIKE: Oh, hush... we do that joke all the time...
>>Dear Members:
TOM: You know who you are.
>>There's been a lot going on here lately at AOL, so I've got a
longer-than-
>>usual update for you this month.
ALL: <groan>
>> Although most of it is quite
positive, we
>>have experienced some setbacks that I wanted to make you aware of.
CROW: Oh, we're aware of them, all right.
>>Let's start with the "bad news."
TOM: That's right, AOL still exists.
MIKE: Hey, there are a lot of satisfied AOL users who use it wisely.
TOM: Yeah, enough to fill maybe one chat room...
>> We had severe problems
with delayed E-
>>mail last month . . . we continue to have periodic problems with network
>>access in some cities . . .
MIKE: Yes, every city in North America except Batesville, Arkansas.
>> and the much-awaited World Wide
Web browser
>>is late.
CROW: Hurry up, Web Browser... you're going to miss the bus!
>>As I communicated to you last month, we experienced a period of severe
>>E-mail delays.
TOM: But the E-mail telling you all about that was probably delayed.
>> The E-mail delays related to a significant
increase in E-
>>mail usage -- from 70,000 messages per day a year ago, to more than
>>1,500,000 E-mails per day now.
CROW: And 1,000,000 of them violate TOS.
MIKE: Crow T. Robot, bad riffing is a violation of the terms of service!
Please stop now and read them at Keyword: TOS!
>> This increase created
backlogs, which
>>resulted in delays. These delays were particularly severe in the first
two
>>weeks of February. We installed new system software on February 14, and
TOM: Yes, it's AOL, version 2.5.Love...
CROW: Exciting and new... come aboard...
MIKE: <warningly> Crow...
>>E-mail is now working well.
TOM: Define "well."
>> Mail sent to AOL members is
delivered
>>instantly, and mail sent to or from the Internet is now usually
delivered in
>>a minute or two.
MIKE: Or ten, or twenty, or a few hours...
>>While the performance quality of mail system has improved, our project
of
>>reconfiguring the mail system to meet demand will continue through
>>March. While my expectation is that our remaining system changes will
>>not affect quality or performance,
TOM: It probably will.
>> I'll keep you
posted here on any changes
>>that we might make that will affect your online experience.
CROW: That is, of course, if I don't have any delays sending the mail.
>>On the network access front, given the pace of our growth, I'd say that
for
>>the most part we're doing well.
MIKE: Yes, especially since Sprintnet and Tymnet take care of all that!
>> However, we are aware of
spot problems
>>in various parts of the country -- busy signals, difficulties completing
the
>>sign-on sequence, "host not responding" delays, and disconnects.
CROW: Snerts,
TOM: Full chat rooms,
MIKE: The disappearance of PubTendDL...
'BOTS: Huh?
>>To alleviate these problems, we are investing heavily in increasing
>>network capacity and bring higher speed access to AOL -- at no
surcharge.
TOM: Except for the dinky 5 hours and $9.95 a month, of course.
>>Sprintnet has expanded coverage to include wider 9600 baud access and
>>the introduction of 14.4 kbps in nearly every city that had 9600 baud
>>access
MIKE: Well, what about those cities with no access whatsoever?
CROW: Or what about Tymnet?
>> (Use keyword ACCESS to see if numbers have recently been
added
>>to your area.)
MIKE: Recently, meaning the last updated list from March, 1987.
>>We are now testing high speed access including 28.8 kbps through our
>>network, AOLNet.
TOM: A-O-L-Net! The new cable network from The Family Channel!
MN/CTR: Ewwww...
>> If you would like to participate in this
test,
MIKE: Stop. Put your pencils down.
TOM: (in Charlie Brown teacher's voice) Waa waa, wa wa waa waa waa.
>>
or to get a
>>list of cities slated for higher speed access through this new network,
>>use keyword AOLNET.
CROW: Of course, there's no guarantee you'll find anything once you get
there.
>>There's growing interest in connecting to the World Wide Web, so this
has
>>been one of our top development priorities.
MIKE: Yes, with WWW access, you can access the fX home page at
http://www.delphi.com!!
TOM: Um, Mike, the CC execs don't like their competition mentioned...
MIKE: So? CC didn't write this.
TOM: Got a point there.
>>
Development has now been
>>completed on our integrated Web browser, and we just began our internal
>>"alpha" testing.
CROW: Eww... isn't that painful?
MIKE: Crow!
>>Broader "beta" testing should begin later this month. If the
>>testing goes well,
TOM: You'll be out of the hospital in 5-7 days.
MIKE: Oh, geez... not you too...
>> we may be able to make the browser available
for
>>download next month, but at this point it appears that May is a likelier
>>bet.
MIKE: Place your bets, please...
>>This is disappointing,
TOM: Well, it is AOL...
>> as we originally hoped to have the
browser up and
>>running
CROW: Over to Delphi.
>> in March. We've taken a different (and more complex)
approach to
>>providing Web access. A number of you might be familiar with Web
>>browsers that run as applications separate from from
TOM: Geez, you'd think a guy like Steve Case would have a spell checker
that picked up double words like that...
>>
your regular
>>communications software or online service.
MIKE: And are a hundred times better than anything we could come up with.
>> We
thought a better approach
>>would be to
TOM: Use all your monthly payments to buy me prostitutes.
MIKE: TOM!
CROW: Well, at 2,000,000 members, AOL's making at least $19,900,000 a
month... wonder how many hookers he can buy with that!
MIKE: CROW! <holding Crow's beak>
CROW: <muffled> I'm sorry, OK?
MIKE: <lets go of Crow>
>>fully integrate Web access into AOL, so you can seamlessly
>>access America Online content AND "surf" the Web at the same time. We
ALL: Ooooooohh..
>>wanted to be able to organize AOL based on topics of interest (so, for
TOM: Or lack thereof.
>>example, all sports content would be in one place, irrespective of
whether
>>the data is stored on AOL's computers or Web servers), rather than
>>organizing the service based on the underlying technology and thus
>>fragmenting the offering.
MIKE: That's nice, dearest, you just go on and fragment the offering...
>> Because we have taken this new (and
we think
>>better) approach to Web access, our development has taken longer -- but
>>we hope you will find it worth the wait. I'll of course keep you posted
on
>>our progress.
CROW: And lie like I normally do.
>>Now onto the good news.
TOM: AOL is now free.
>>In mid-February, we passed the 2 million member milestone,
CROW: Hey! No fair! He put a "panne d'essence" card on me!
MIKE: And just who do you think is going to get that reference?
CROW: Maybe some creepy French kid?
>>
which means
>>AOL is now the #1 online service in the United States.
ALL: Yay.
>>
The past year has
>>been nothing
TOM: I'll second that.
>> short of remarkable,
TOM: Oh.
>> as we have gone
from being a distant
>>third in the online market to being the largest and fastest growing
service
>>in the country.
ALL: Yay.
>> We owe much of this to your enthusiasm, as a key
element
>>of our growth has been the power of "word of mouth" -- many of you are
>>recommending AOL to your friends and relatives.
MIKE: Yes, and we're also recommending Tartar Control Mintydent.
>>Although this member growth has its drawbacks (the e-mail problems last
>>month are an example of this), overall we believe this growth is great
>>news for the AOL community.
TOM: o/~ And I believe in you... o/~
>> As more members join us,
the discussions
>>that take place on AOL become more varied and vibrant.
CROW: And more TOSsable.
MIKE: Well, then, try LaPub sometime.
>>
And more members
>>means more revenue -- which means we can afford
CROW: More hookers.
MIKE: Crow, I thought I told you...
>>
to add more content
>>and invest more in research and development to keep AOL on the leading
>>edge.
>>Today, we announced an alliance that will enable us to embrace the
global
>>community. We are
TOM: o/~ The world...we are the children... o/~
>> working with Bertelsmann, the second
largest media
>>company in the world, to create a joint venture in Europe. (Go to
keyword
>>PRESS to read the full announcement.)
CROW: Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.
>> This
alliance will enable us to
>>create AOL-like services in Europe (initially in Germany, France, and
the
>>United Kingdom), and all of these services will be linked together to
>>create a global community.
TOM: Oh no it's spreading!!!!
>> Bertelsmann will also provide
content to AOL
>>in the United States; their U.S. holdings include Arista and RCA
Records,
>>Bantam Doubleday Dell books, the BMG Music club, and Gruner & Jahr
>>magazines.
CROW: And thank you for your support.
MIKE: That's Bartles and Jaymes.
CROW: Oh.
>> We expect to start adding new services in the coming
months.
MIKE: But, they probably won't be available for a year or two.
>>So you'll benefit from new services in the United States, as well as the
>>ability to connect to a wealth of European content
TOM: Except from Baring's bank.
MIKE: What do you mean? I have a little money invested with them.
TOM: Um...later, Mike.
>>
-- and you'll be able to
>>participate in discussions from people all over the world.
CROW: And you'll learn 132 different ways to say "do you want to suck
my..."
MIKE: CROW! That's enough!
>>We continue to expand America Online's content. Here are some recent
>>additions that you might want to try out:
CROW: Which will cause some additions in my salary.
>>1995 TAX FORUM
>>This interactive tax information resource center contains the premier
tax
>>reference publication, the Ernst and Young Tax Guide 1995, IRS federal
tax
>>forms and publications;
TOM: Oh, yes. I really wanna download some tax forms! Yippee!
>> information from the National
Association of
>>Enrolled Agents (NAEA), and information about the popular tax software
>>TurboTax and TaxCut. Use keyword: TAX
MIKE: Sponsored by the IRS.
>>WARNER BROTHERS NETWORK
>>Use keyword WB to check out the multimedia library in the forum for this
>>new television network.
MIKE: Catch it while ya can, 'cause they're going down fast!
>>67th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS
>>Check out the nominees, predictions, photo gallery and film clips in
this
>>special area brought to you by ABC. Keyword: OSCAR
TOM: A-B-C-Us!
MIKE: Um, Tom, that's N-B-C Us.
TOM: Oh, sorry.
>>WALT DISNEY WORLD RESORT
>>A cyber-tour of Walt Disney World you can take from the comfort of your
>>own home. Keyword: DISNEY
CROW: The pictures of which will take about 30 minutes to download at
14.4.
>>And don't forget: you can use keywords NEW and HOT to get the latest
news
>>about what is happening on AOL.
TOM: What's happening!
CROW: <hums What's Happening theme>
>>There's obviously a lot happening at AOL. We do realize that while we
>>pursue this rapid growth strategy, we have an obligation to keep our eye
MIKE: On the sparrow!
TOM: Wacka-chick-a-wacka-chick-a-wacka-chick-a...
>>on the ball in terms of meeting the needs of the members we already
have.
>>The cornerstone of AOL's strategy in 1995 is to improve the quality of
>>everything we do.
CROW: That shouldn't take much...
>> Our focus is not only on adding new
members, but on
>>maintaining a consistently high level of satisfaction for our existing
>>members.
MIKE: And maybe after that, we can have members that don't cancel their
subscriptions after 10 minutes.
>>We have come a long way
TOM: Baby.
>> in a short time, and we
appreciate your support.
>>But we know a long journey lies ahead, as we work with you to create a
>>new interactive, participatory medium, and propel AOL into the forefront
>>of this exciting new cyberspace world.
TOM: Exciting and new... come aboard...
MIKE: Um, Tom, we've already done that joke.
>>Warm regards,
ALL: Ewww...
>>Steve Case
>>Transmitted: 95-03-02 19:36:07 EST
CROW: <exiting> Wait... if this is the March 1 update, why is it dated
March 2?
MIKE: It's that mail delay thing...
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TOM: <standing directly in front of Cambot and blocking view behind him,
appearing in Trooper's uniform> Tonight on Real Stories of the Online
Patrol, we have a case called "Online Massacre." Guide MN plays himself
in this re-enactment.
<TOM ducks out of the way to show Mike on one computer on the left of the
desk, and Crow on one on the right>
CROW: Let's see... I'm in the Lobby... here goes... <reads as he types>
HEY, YOU ALL SUCK! Hehehehe...
MIKE: <as Guide MN, reading as he types> OK, that's it, sonny, you're
getting a TOS!
CROW: You just try it, copper!
MIKE: <aside> When he said that, I knew that he was trouble. <back
typing> Take this, online scum!
CROW: No! He got me! I've been TOSsed!!!!
MIKE: <smugly to Cambot> What do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13>
FRANK: <still behind podium> And if you take the derivative of that and
multiply it times theta...
DR. F: Frank...
FRANK: And then square that result and find the arc cosecant...
DR. F: FRANK! <calmer> Push the button, Frank...
FRANK: <rings in>
DR. F: <sighs, pushes button>
\ | /
- O -
/ | \
The characters mentioned herein are copyright 1995, Best Brains Inc. This
document is meant purely as entertainment, and is not intended to infringe
on any copyrights. All rights reserved. Void where prohibited by law.
Watch fX.
TND
--- Life is a beach, so surf naked! (KCC)