MiSTed: "The Abduction Papers 1-4" by J_-_W [REPOST]

[Michael Sensor [KD3LR/AFA1UP]]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Show M002 Reel 1

[Opening sequence]

[Interior, SoL. Most of the lights are out around the bridge --
only a few dim lights are on. Gypsy can be seen moving here and
there, doing whatever it is she does. Suddenly, a klaxon begins
to sound, and all hell breaks loose; lots of flashing lights,
alarm horns and bells, etc.]

GYPSY Mike, come here quick! Hurry!

[Mike enters in a robe, looking haggard.]

MIKE What is is, Gypsy?

[Mike hits a button, silencing the alarms]

GYPSY There's an alien ship abaft the port beam! Cambot, give me
Rocket #9!

[Cut to exterior shot. Oh no! It's the Enterprise-D saucer section
moving alongside the SoL. Boy, does it look cheezy.]

MIKE'S VOICE Oh, no! It's the Enterprise-D saucer section as
featured in Stephen Ratliff's riveting Trek fanfic,
"Enterprized"!

[Cut back to interior; Crow enters, also in robe]

CROW What the heinie is goin' on here, Mitchell?

MIKE Oh, man, oh, man. I just hope it's not commanded by the Kids'
Crew.

[HexField sign]

VOICE Thirty seconds to commercial sign. Check the ViewScreen, guys.

[Mike hits the HexField button]

[ViewScreen opens up -- it's the Kids' Crew!]

CROW Aw, sh... [Mike grabs his beak]

MIKE Ah, hello, Captain Marissa Flores and...

C.M.F. `Silenc, alIen", she says. "Prepare to be anhilate.`

MIKE Um, I don't think you understand. My name is Mike Nelson,
and I was...

C.M.F. "shut up?" she said.

CROW Wow, even the spelling errors are the same. Where's Servo?

VOICE A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Fifteen seconds to
commercial sign.

MIKE Captain Flores, we're just an innocent orbiting love station,
here for only benign...

C.M.F. 'Very Well', Flors said. "i Shall wait for further Instructns
from starfleet"

MIKE Wonderful. My annihilation has been stayed. Thanks, Warden.
Crow? Where's Tom?

CROW I don't know either.

MIKE Well... Gypsy: first, engage the MirthShield, and second: Close
that hatch! Oops. Find Tom Servo!

GYPSY Aye aye, Mr. Calrissian!

VOICE Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Commercial sign now.

[Commercial sign flashes]

MIKE We'll be right back.

[Mike hits button]

[Commercial. Mentos, Mentos, Mentos. So creamy and delicious that you
can't help but want another Mentos. Or is that Mento? Is one Mento a
Mentos or is one Mento a Mento? Because if one Mento is a Mentos, then
several Mentos are Menti.]

[Interior, SoL. Tom is shackled and manacled to the table. He is
extremely upset]

TOM I did it! Yes, I did it all! And I'm PROUD OF IT!

MIKE What are you talking about, little buddy?

TOM It was all an innocent game... but it GOT... OUT... OF...
CONTROL....!!!!!!!!!!

MIKE I think it's time for your yearly tune-up, Tom.

CROW Uh, Mike, I think I can explain.

MIKE Well?

CROW Remember the Characterizer from last week's experiment?

MIKE Oh, shhhhhhh...........uh, sugar.

CROW Oh yes. Servonova here was trying to Characterize the Creepy
Girl but he un-tar'd the wrong archive. I mean, it's been *so*
long since the experiment with the Creepy Girl that it was an
honest mistake, but --

MIKE And he mistakenly tar x'd the archive containing...

CROW Enterprized.

MIKE Oh no.

TOM Yes, it was I. I regret that I have but one life to give for
my.... [sobs] CREEPY GIRL!!!!! I'll bring her back by any
means necessary!

CROW Mike, you'd better find "E-Z Bot Repair" and twiddle around
with his Psychosis Limiter. I'm getting concerned about
him.

[Mads' Sign]

MIKE Uh oh, Bo and Luke are ringing.

[Slaps the button]

[Cut to Deep 13. Frank in foreground. Sound of shower running offscreen]

FRANK Oh, hi, guys, guess you're in a bit of a pinch up there! Anyway,
Dr. Forrester is in the Sens-O-Shower, so I thought I'd pick up
today's Invention Exchange.

[Looks behind him]

[quietly] Don't you hate it when your apartment mate, roommate,
spouse, or whatever hogs up all of the hot water in the morning?
Tired of those *cold* showers which invariably lead to a rotten
day? Well, HotBuddy will solve your problems!

[Takes out a box with hoses attached to either end]

Just hook up the HotBuddy to your cold-water line, flip the
switch, and...

[Flips a switch; a light on the box glows red]

Voila! Your cold water is heated to a comfortable temperature!

[Cut to SoL. Mike in foreground; Tom in a straitjacket (!) in rear with
Crow and Gypsy]

MIKE Wow, Frank, that's... um...

[Cut to Deep 13]

FRANK Thanks, Mike, don't mention it. I knew we shot the right
guy into space.

[A loud series of hoots and hollers comes from offcamera]

FRANK Wha?

[Looks down at HotBuddy]

Whoops.

[Runs offscreen; returns briefly]

Back to you, Mordred.

[Runs off again; shortly thereafter a towel-clad Dr. F. runs by in the
same direction carrying a large pikeax]

[Cut to SoL. Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are all standing around a large
Styrofoam head with eyes, lips, and glasses -- oh yeah, some hair too]

CROW Well, that's great, Francis, but *ours* is better than yours.

TOM And bigger too!

MIKE Tom... More Prozac if you're not careful.

TOM Ahem.

MIKE Our invention is the Sleeping Beatty. When you have those long
and annyoing six-credit law classes...

TOM That last a *grueling* 90 minutes per day...

MIKE And you just have to relax, pop two AA's into the Sleeping
Beatty.

CROW And, wow! While you sleep facedown on your desk in a pool of
your own drool,

GYPSY The Sleeping Beatty does it all for you.

MIKE Yes, the Sleeping Beatty looks up with wide-eyed interest at your
law professor, nods thoughtfully once in a while, and even
emits bemused "um-humm"s!

GYPSY It even records the lecture for you, so you won't miss a single
scintillating syllable. Watch!

CROW [Pompous tone] Blah, seisin, blah, blah, reasonable doubt,
blah, blah, blah, jurisdiction, blah, in rem, blah blah....

[During all of this, the head's eyes open wide, blink a few times --
mechanically, of course -- and it nods a few times]

HEAD Um hummm.... um hummmmmmmm.... ah! uh hummmmm..........

TOM When the torture is over, just press the playback button...

[Mike does so]

CROW'S VOICE [tinnily] Blah, seisin, blah, blah, reasonable doubt,
blah, blah, blah, jurisdiction, blah, in rem, blah blah...

GYPSY Whaddaya think, sirs?

[Cut to Deep 13. Dr. F. in background, messing with Frank's
{fake} legs, which are sticking out of a vat of something,
kicking around]

[Dr. F. is bright red and has gobs of white gooey stuff all over
him -- sort of like hyper-Noxema]

DR. F. Ah, Marion, madame librarian. I apologize for the delay
in getting back to you. My protege here hooked the
HotBudy up to the wrong pipe. It.... [fingers the goop] hurts.

[Looks down and back up]

Your... uh... experiment, and I use that term loosely,
today is a saucy slab of headcheese from John_-_Winston
called "The Abduction Papers"...

[Cut to SoL]

ALL Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Deep 13]

DR. F. Parts one through four...

[SoL]

ALL Aiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!!

[Deep 13]

DR. F. Inclusive.

[SoL]

ALL Auuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Deep 13]

DR. F. But first, two shorts: "ASAFETIDA" from John_-_Winston,
and something illegible -- about Morse Code. Heh heh heh.
I *am* mad, giving you five John_-_Winston posts to
read, aren't I?

[Looks down, and then back up]

And, what *is* that giant saucer abaft your port beam?

[Cut to SoL]

MIKE It's a long story.

[Cut to Deep 13]

DR. F. Whatever. Rub-a-dub-DIE, three men in a CASKET! [lightly]
En-joy!

[Pushes the Button]

[SoL]

GYPSY Hey, the saucer is moving in again!

[Movie sign!]

MIKE No time for saucers, 'cause we've got...

ALL USENET SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mike hits button]

[In the panic, Tom loses his head]

* - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

[Theater. As they sit down, Mike puts on Tom's head]

MIKE Lost your head.

TOM Thanks.

>From godot.cc.duq.edu!nntp.club.cc.cmu.edu!news.sei.cmu.edu!
cis.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!
portal!cup.portal.com!John_-_Winston Fri Feb 18 16:06:56 1994

CROW No, no, no, no, no! Anything but this! DOCTOR FORRESTER!
DAMN YOU!!!!!!

MIKE Take a pill, Crow. At least your brain's not organic.

CROW Ees... difficult...

>Xref: godot.cc.duq.edu

TOM I really don't think he'll come.

alt.alien.visitors:27977 alt.conspiracy:45225 alt.religion.kibology:21099

CROW I've got a baaaaaaaad feeling about this one...

>Dear Folks:

ALL [morosely] Hi, folks.

> I just got through going over to the Bread Of Life Alternative Food Store
>(fancy health food store) and tried to buy some ASAFETIDA.

MIKE American Society of Avid article posters...

TOM Feeling Energetic, Trying to...

CROW Institute Daily Allowances of USENET crap!

TOM On July 24, 1968, John_-_Winston was tried in Los Angeles Superior
Court on the charge of trying to buy some ASAFETIDA in a fancy
health food store. He was sentenced to 15-25 years in the
state penitentiary. [Dragnet theme] DUM-DA-DUM-DUM!

CROW Oh, man, if only.

>They were out of it at the time.

MIKE [gravelly voice] I wanna ASAFETIDA salad.

CROW [John Cleese] I'm sorry, we're just out of ASAFETIDA at the moment.

MIKE Lissen, moron, you don't make ASAFETIDA salad with ASAFETIDA!
It's apples, grapes, mayonnaise, celery, walnuts! Get it
right!

CROW [Cleese] I'll go talk to Chef.

>The lady said one of the common names for it was (I thought
>she said Double Dumg)

TOM Which did he choose: the lady, or the ASAFETIDA?

MIKE Hey, guys... Double pleasure!

TOM Double goodness!

CROW Double-licious!

MIKE It's Wrigley's Doublemint Dumg!

>actually Devil's Dung.

CROW [Satan voice] Hi, I'm Satan. Enjoy my dung. See ya!

>You can probably figure out how it's going to taste.

TOM No, no, no, that's OK, thanks anyway.

>The dictionary said it was a bitter herb that had an
>obnoxious ordor.

CROW One ordor 'o Devil's Dung, comin' right up!

>No wonder the space people made it optional in the recipe.

MIKE Am I missing something here?

TOM It'd be just like the Mads to give us a post further down on a
thread without the original.

MIKE It's probably a blessing in disguise, eh?

> I can just see someone coming into a cafe and the person asking
>you if you'd like Devil's Dung on you sandwitch.

TOM Maybe in the Cafe au Hell, he might.

CROW You! Sandwitch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn...

[Mike points at Crow]

Uh... sorry.

>You would might say, "No thanks, I am trying to cut down."

[All laugh in feigned amusement]

TOM What a card, that John_-_Winston! He kills me!

CROW He must be very fond of subjunctives and modals.

> I just made up my first batch of Space Syrup and it is now cooling in the

>refrigerator.

MIKE I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know...

>John Winston.

TOM Let's GO, Mike... [starts to get up]

>From godot.cc.duq.edu!nntp.club.cc.cmu.edu!news.sei.cmu.edu!

TOM [gets back down] Aw, BITE ME, Dr. F.!

cis.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!cyber2.cyberstore.ca!
nntp.cs.ubc.ca!utcsri!newsflash.concordia.ca!nstn.ns.ca!dragon.
acadiau.ca!car111-1.acadiau.ca!871227k Fri Feb 18 16:09:45 1994

>Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors

MIKE Here we go again...

>Path: godot.cc.duq.edu!nntp.club.cc.cmu.edu!news.sei.cmu.edu!
cis.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!cyber2.cyberstore.ca!
nntp.cs.ubc.ca!utcsri!newsflash.concordia.ca!nstn.ns.ca!
dragon.acadiau.ca!car111-1.acadiau.ca!871227k

TOM SEEN...

MIKE Yes, Servo, thanks.

>From: 871...@axe.acadiau.ca (PAUL KEDDY)
>Subject: .. ._.. .__.. .._. ..___.

TOM - .... . .... . .-.. .-.. ..--..

MIKE Hey, how'd you do that?

TOM If you only knew half the things we 'bots can do...

>Message-ID: <871227k.1...@axe.acadiau.ca>
>Lines: 18
>Sender: ne...@relay.acadiau.ca

MIKE [sings] The reeeeelay... keep it movin'...

>Nntp-Posting-Host: car111-1.acadiau.ca
>Organization: Acadia University
>Date: Thu, 10 Feb 1994 18:00:51 GMT
>Lines: 18

CROW Well, this one should be mercifully short.

>. __.. . _. .__ ._ .___

MIKE Wha? I never did pass my ham license test.

>..._ .___ .__ .___ .___.. ><

TOM Uh, Mike, do you get the feeling that we're missing something
of *vital* importance here once again?

CROW I feel like I'm watching an RKO picture.

>__. .._ .._ .__.__ ._._ ><

TOM Oh, now I get it -- he's a Mason.

>_.__ .._..

CROW Yeah? Well, _.__ to you too!

>x`fk10023

MIKE Hey, Doctor Forrester, isn't this a FAMILY network?

>___________________
>1.0 0.9 2.7 3.9
>+
> + ++
>+ +
>-------------------

CROW Looks like a game of Battleship.

MIKE More like the progress of my GPA in college, actually.

TOM Which end, the 1.0 or the 3.9?

MIKE Why do you think I was working for Happy Temps?

>.._ ... ._.__. __.__ ._

MIKE I guess that's it. [gets up to leave]

CROW 'Ello Cleveland, .._ ... and ._.__. __.__ ._! [leaves]

TOM Come, explore the Wierd of Morse Code! [leaves with Mike]

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - *

[Interior, SoL. Mike is standing in front of the HexField arguing with
Captain Marissa Flores.]

MIKE Look, Captain Flores, you're not even real. You're a figment of
a bad fanfic.

TOM And a deranged imagination.

C.M.F. `'Look" said Flores "i dont have time to argeu. Move your ship
now or i blast it"

MIKE Yeah, well, can the aggressiveness or I rake my laser across
your bow -- see how long you live with a hull breach!

C.M.F. "your idle threats don't scare me. Set phasers on kill
Lieutenant`

MIKE Gypsy, how do we get out of this one?

GYPSY The other guy left a thing here called "EraseHer".

MIKE So what?

CROW So what? It's a giant eraser! We just rub Flores out of existence!

MIKE Just like in "Duck Amuck"?

TOM X-Acto Knife-a-mundo, Nelson! For an orgo you're pretty swift!

CROW Tom's back to normal now.

GYPSY Twenty seconds to EraseHer!

MIKE Gypsy, can we please destroy the old fanfic archives?

GYPSY Sorry, against union rules. Ten seconds to EraseHer!

[Movie Sign]

MIKE If I die, I'll die a puzzled man! USENET SIIIIIIIGNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

[Hits sign]

* - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

[Theater]

TOM [while entering] I can't think of a worse way to die -- while
watching a _Winston post.

CROW He died with a shriek chisled on his face.

>>From godot.cc.duq.edu

TOM Maybe he'll...

[Mike touches Tom's shoulder]

!nntp.club.cc.cmu.edu!honeydew.srv.cs.cmu.edu!fs7.ece.cmu.edu
!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu
!uunet!portal!cup.portal.com
!John_-_Winston Fri Feb 18 15:55:59 1994

>From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com

TOM Oh, no, no, no, no! ANYTHING but this guy again! I'll even
sit through "Manos" again, just SPARE me the horror that is...
[mysteriously] John_-_Winston!

MIKE There you go on about "Manos" again. Who or what is "Manos",
anyway?

CROW We'll brief you after the experiment.

>Newsgroups: talk.religion.newage,sci.skeptic,alt.paranormal
>Subject: Paper On Abductions.

CROW Robot On Visitations.

TOM Servo On Torts.

MIKE Nelson On Inane Posts.

>Message-ID: <103...@cup.portal.com>
>Date: Wed, 16 Feb 94 08:53:32 PST
>Organization: The Portal System (TM)
>References: <1993Nov4....@main.morris.org> <95...@cup.portal.com>
> <95...@cup.portal.com> <CG5zC...@world.std.com> <96...@cup.portal.com>
>Lines: 28
>Xref: godot.cc.duq.edu talk.religion.newage:25038 sci.skeptic:65395
alt.paranormal:9981

CROW Does anyone *really* read that junk?

>Subject: Report On Abductions.

TOM [D.I.] ABDUCTIONS! RE-PORT!

> A person on the the Net stated that he-she was doing a report about
>abductions.

CROW Who was that, Ed Wood, Jr.?

>I will now attempt to put down my opinion on the subject,

MIKE Don't worry, John_-, we'll put it down for you.

>because I know personally a few people who have been abducted and then
>returned with their lives changed.

TOM Tonight's Unsolved Mysteries: People who have been abducted and then
returned with their lives changed. Up next.

> To understand this situation one might look at the human race and come to

>a conclusion as to how you would change things if you had the power to
>accomplish this task.

MIKE [freaky voice] We all thought we were gonna change the world, man.

>We humans, if you take a close look at us, are a very
>emotional group.

TOM I wouldn't know anything about that.

CROW Me neither.

>What other species in the Universe sen look at a group of
>fellow human beings performing on a T.V. and cry large tears while look at
>some manufactured happening?

TOM Wait, wait. Run that one by me again.

CROW Wow, the number of presuppositions crammed into
one small sentence!

TOM Not to mention the number of inanities.

>What other race anywhere will give anything in
>their pocession to have one fling in the hay?

MIKE Well, she *was* pretty nice...

TOM Hey, Nelson, you might want to follow your *own* advice.

CROW Pocession: the comeback album by Poco!

>What other being will eat
>it's own young, it it's own arm or other extremities to survive? To my
>knowledge I know of no such creature.

TOM [Minnesota accent] Ooh, ya, I hear there was an outbreak of
baby-eating back in Red Wing!

CROW [same] Oooh, really? I heard of the arm-eating party in Minne-
tonka but nothin' about any baby-eating fest!

MIKE [same] But what about the extremities roast in Duluth?

TOM [same] Oooh, terrible, I hear!

CROW [same] Ooh, ya.

> Now let's say you are a member of a race of people who originally brought
>man and woman-kind to this planet. Let's say that some of the people
>on Earth are your long lost brothers and sisters who were born of
>this Earth to learn certain lessons.

TOM Let's say I'm making it up as I go along and I have no clue
what I'm trying to say. Let's say that I'm amusing the
*heck* out of myself by putting drivel about aliens on the Net.

>We'll call these people The Gardeners

CROW *Chauncey* Gardener. I like to watch.

>or The Gods or what-ever you would like to call them.

TOM What-ever you say, John_-.

> I have to go now.

CROW So do I. [gets up, leaves]

>Part 1.

MIKE Crow, get back here.

CROW [back] Part *1*?!

MIKE Doctor F. said there were *four* parts!

CROW The beast.

>John Winston.

MIKE Michael Nelson.

TOM Tom Servo.

CROW Crow T. Robot.

>Paper On Abductions. Part 2.

MIKE Paper on, man! [all do party whoops]

> I will now attempt to give you the bad side of the subject of Abductions
>and I'm not for sure I'll ever get around to the good side, so here goes.

TOM Like there's a *good* side to getting kidnapped?

MIKE Talk to Patty Hearst about that.

>..........................................................................

CROW That's all I have to say. Period.

> If reports of abductions can be believed -- and there is no reason
>to doubt the hoestly of the reporters --

TOM Except for the fact that they post on alt.paranormal --

>the abduction phenomenon includes the following details.

CROW A burlap sack, several large men, chloroform, rope, and a van.

> * Aliens can alter our perception of our surroundings.

MIKE I know how that goes.

> * Aliens can control what we think we see. They can appear to us in any
>number of guises, and shapes.

CROW Doctor F. and Frank! I would have never guessed!

> * Aliens can take us -- our consciousness -- out of our bodies, disable
>our control of our bodies, install one of their own entities, and use our
>bodies as vehicles for their own activities before returning our conscious-
>ness to our bodies.

TOM I felt so *used* after my abduction.

> * Aliens can be present with us in an invisible state and can make
>themselves only partially visible.

ALL [chanting mysteriously] Aliens inside us... aliens outside
us... aliens around us... hear our prayer...

> * Abductees receive marks on their bodies other than the well-known
>scoops and straight-line scars.

CROW They also receive the wire wisk scars, the cheese grater scars,
and the potato peeler scars.

>These other marks include single punctures, multiple punctures,
>large bruises,

MIKE Sounds like someone's an alien-batterer.

>three-and four fingered claw marks, and triangles of
>every possible sort.

TOM [gravelley salesman voice] Triangles, triangles here!
Isosceles, equilateral, you name 'em, we got 'em!

> * Female abductees often suffer serious gynecological problems

[Crow and Tom start snickering]

MIKE Watch it, guys.

>after their alien encounters, and sometimes these problems lead
>to cysts, tumors, c----- of the breasts and uterus, and to hysterectomies.

CROW [70's voice] Hey, Mike, what's your... sign, man?

MIKE I'm a C-----, C---.

CROW O-, t-----, M---.

TOM H-- d- y-- g--- t--- w--- o--- d-----?

> * Aliens take body fluids from our necks, spines, blood veins, joints
>such as knees and wrist, and other places.

CROW It's the IRS!

>They also inject unknown fluids into various parts of our bodies.

TOM Now I get it -- these aliens are really just renegade embalmers!

>JW That's all I have time for now.

TOM TS That's all *I* have time for too. Let's go. [gets up]

MIKE Not so fast, Tom. [puts Tom back down]

>Source of Information. UFO Universe. Spring 1993.

CROW UFO Universe: From the publisher of "Star" and "Weekly World News".

>John Winston.

ALL Boooooooo!

>Paper On Abductions. Part 3.

TOM Paper On Abductions III: The Quickening.

CROW Voice direction by K. Gordon Murray.

> To me it's pretty funny hearing all of the discriptions of the different
>types of aliens.

MIKE [cop voice] This alien is 19'0", blue hair, six green eyes.
Distinguishing marks include a tattoo on his third-to-last
left arm of a twelve-breasted woman on a hypercycle.

TOM If *you* have seen this alien, call Crime Tips at: 555-WEIRD.

>I've heard of gray, reptoid, insectoid and blond

CROW Blond, hot, and ready -- today's *new*, sexy alien.

>but what in the cat-hair is a widow's peak? Maybe I'll find out soon.

CROW What in the dog-fuzz is a person who doesn't know what a widow's
peak is? Hal Warren examines his all the time!

MIKE Why in the chinchilla-whisker is this junk taking up bandwidth?

> We will now continue our discussion on the details sometimes found in
>abduction cases.........................................

MIKE [gets up and jerks round as if he's being shot] Ugh! Ya got me
wid da period gun!

TOM Pretty one-sided discussion, isn't it, John_-?

> * A surprising number of abductees suffer from serious illnesses they
>didn't have before their encounters.

CROW They came in contact with Typhoid Scary... get it?

[Tom and Mike groan]

>These have led to surgery, debilitation,
>and even death from causes the doctors can't identify.

CROW Is this sort of thing covered under Health Security?

> * Some abductees experience a degeneration of their mental, social, and
>spiritual well-being.

MIKE * We'll use alien abductions to explain every human idiosyncrasy.

CROW * And we'll do it with impunity!

MIKE * And we'll highlight our findings with asterisks, taking the
place of bullets!

>Excessive behavior frequently erupts, such as drug
>abuse, alcoholism, overeating, and promiscuity.

MIKE You know, there was this one girl back in Wisconsin... she
never had it in her, then one day, all of a sudden -- WOW!
This would explain a lot, you know...

CROW Probably, though, he's just full of it.

MIKE Yeah. Oh well.

>Strange obsessions develop

TOM [lecher voice] Yes, yes, yes... SHOW me that uvula...
So pink and dangly... hehheheuhehe...

>and cause the disruption of normal life and the destruction of personal
>relationships.

CROW Geez, sounds like *everyone* is getting abducted these days.

> * Aliens show a great interest in adult sexuality,

MIKE [falsetto, slapping noise] Fresh!!

>child sexuality, and

CROW Mr. B. Natural! All is clear now!

>in inflicting physical pain on abductees.

CROW [sleazy voice] Da seamy side o' aliens. Whips, chains,
hot wax, S&...

MIKE [turns to Crow] Crow, once more and you go in the corner.

> * Abductees recall being instructed and trained by aliens.

MIKE Hey, it's my college Latin American Studies class!

>This training
>may be in the form of verbal or telepathic lessons, slide shows,

CROW So, anyway, here's the time me and Ethel went to Betelgeuse...

>or actual hands-on instruction in the operation of alien technology.

TOM At DeVry, we're serious about success.

> * Abductees report being taken to facilities in which they encounter not
>only aliens but also normal-looking humans, sometimes in military uniforms,
>working with the alien captors.

TOM [D.I. voice] Let's MOVITONOUT, people! Round the saucer one
more time! LESGO! [starts cadence]

I don't know what I've been told!

MIKE & CROW [cadence too] I don't know what I've been told!

TOM Fort Green Alien is mighty cold!

M&C Fort Green Alien is mighty cold!

TOM Doin' those tests on abductees!

M&C Doin' those tests on abductees!

TOM Scarrin' 'em up just as we please!

M&C Scarrin' 'em up just as we please!

> * Abductees report being scoffed at, jeered at, and threatened by their
>alien captors.

ALL [jeering] One-head! One-head! Lookit the funny two-eyed freak!

> * Abductees-- "virgin"cases--

TOM [sings] Like a "virgin"...

MIKE [sings] Abducted for the very first time!

TOM [sings] Like a "vi-i-i-rgin"

MIKE [sings] Take my heart out... [voice turns evil] and make me DIE!

>report being taken to underground facilities
>where they see grotesque hybrid creatures, nurseries of hybrid humanoid
>fetuses, and vats of colored liquid filled with parts of human bodies.

CROW [stoner voice] Bad trip, man, bad trip.

> * Abductees report seeing other humans in these facilities being drained

>of blood,

TOM It's *definitely* the IRS! Wow!

>being mutilated, flayed, and dismembered, and being stacked,
>lifeless, like cords of wood.

[All make yukky, retching/sick noises]

MIKE I think John_- saw the uncut version of "Scarface" before he
wrote this.

>Some abductees have been threatened that they,
>too, will end up in this condition if they don't cooperate with their alien

>captors.

CROW [gangster voice] You! Over dere! Youse be cooperatin' wid me, or
youse-a be doin' the old mutilated, flayed, and dismembered
trick, capisc?

> * Aliens come into homes and temporarily remove young children, leaving
>their distraught parents paralyzed and helpless.

MIKE Just your ordinary, average child-service agency.

>In cases where a parent
>has been able to protest, the aliens insist that "The children belong
>to us."

TOM The children belong to all of us. Think about it, won't you?

> * Aliens have forced their human abductees to have sexual
>intercourse with aliens and even with other abductees while
>groups of aliens observe these performances.

ALL [porn soundtrack] Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka-bwomp....

>In such encounters, the aliens have sometimes disguised
>themsleves in order to gain the cooperation of the abductee, appearing
>in such forms as Jesus, the Pope, certain celibrites, and even dead spouses
>of the abductees.

TOM Um...

MIKE Uh...

CROW [Satan voice] Hi, I'm Satan. I'm actually a hideous alien, but I've
disguised myself as your favorite underworldly demon in an
attempt to gain your cooperation in havin' sex with me. Hope
you unnastand!

>Part 3.

TOM Leonard Part III: The Early Years.

>Source Of Information: UFO UNIVERSE, SPRING 1993.

CROW A "UFO UNIVERSE"-al Picture!

>John Winston.

CROW Mike, I'm getting ready to call up a banishing.

>Subject: Paper On Abductions. Part 4.

CROW Produced by Sax Roehmer.

> Now let's discuss the Grays.

MIKE Let's not and say we did.

>They are a people who if you asked them
>about their sexual organs they would say, "What sexual organs, ours dropped
>off a long time ago form lack of use."

CROW They have reverse-Kirk syndrome.

TOM I'm forming a serious revulsion to this experiment.

>These people have reproduced so long
>by cloning that their sexual organs have atropied similar to our apendix
>(which may have been a second stomack like a cow)

MIKE I'm gonna be sick to my *only* stomack if this doesn't end soon.

>and our tonsils (which
>may have been lungs millions of years ago).

CROW But they may also have been toes, or noses, or even eyes!

>The Grays also are total logic
>even worse than the person from Vulcan on Star Trek.

TOM That's *Spock*, if you don't mind? Sheesh.

>They have a fluid in their bodies that looks like it came
>out of a plant similar to the Aloe Vera plant.

MIKE Don't let Jergens get hold of these guys.

>They don't eat food like we do but assimilate their food through
>the skin or absorb it.

CROW Oh, no, it's CREOSOTE! Aaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

>They also don't excrete food like we do but it comes
>through their skin.

TOW Cloaca-skin!

> So you can see it is quite a problem trying to mate them with us to come
>up with a species that has the good characteristics of both.

CROW It's also quite a problem trying to get them to stop going to the
bathroom all over their dates. And it's hard to keep
them in clean clothes!

[Mike and Tom making sick sounds]

>Part 4.

TOM Hey, that's it! Yeah! Dibs on the bathroom! [Mike picks him up]

CROW [sick voice] I don't think I'm going to make it to the
bathroom... [leans over]

MIKE [getting up] Aw, geez, Crow... oil everywhere!

>John Winston.

TOM [while exiting] Thank you, John Winston! You've been a
horrible and disgusting writer! I hate you forever!
Good night!

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - *

[Interior, SoL.

TOM Wow, was that bad or what?

MIKE No, Tom, I think it transcended the borders of "bad" and went
even further.

TOM To what? Worse?

CROW Worse than worse. Awful.

MIKE No, even more icky than awful. Wretched.

TOM Disgusting.

CROW Laughable.

TOM Insipid.

CROW Putrid.

MIKE In short:

ALL [in unison] BITE US, JOHN_-!

GYPSY [rushing in] Hey, guys, I think I got it! Cambot, give us Rocket
#9 again!

[Cut to exterior. The Enterprise-D saucer is still there, but
a giant, cheesy-looking pencil with eraser is gaining on it.]

GYPSY'S VOICE Now, the critical moment...

[The eraser meets the saucer and begins rubbing it out. Use your
imagination, eh? Some screaming may be heard faintly]

[Cut to interior.]

TOM Well, I guess that about wraps it up for the Kids' Crew, eh?

MIKE I hope so. Now, Tom, repeat after me:

TOM Huh?

MIKE I, Tom Servo, do solemnly swear,

TOM Oh, brother. I, Tom Servo, do solemnly swear,

MIKE That I will no longer tamper with technology I do not understand,

TOM That I will... Hey! Who made the Characterizer, anyway?

CROW Yeah, Mike, let's see YOUR humble orgo-brain try to handle the
quantum physics involved in materializing fictional characters.

MIKE OK, OK, OK. That I will no longer try to materialize characters
from books, fanfics, *or* films,

TOM That I will no longer... OK, Mike, enough, I promise.

MIKE So help me Silicon.

TOM So help me Silicon.

CROW Happy, Nelson?

MIKE I guess so. Tom, I hope this has taught you a valuable lesson:
there are just some places where Man or Robot should not tread.

TOM Mike, a legal question...

MIKE Yes?

TOM Was my oath retroactive?

MIKE Why?

[doorbell rings]

Huh?

[The * door opens up. Concurrently, the haunting Torgo Theme begins]

TOM Heh heh heh. THIS is for manacling me!

[enter Torgo, carrying a pizza delivery bag]

TORGO LaRgE pIzZa, tHiCk cRuSt, eXtRa cHeEsE?

MIKE Who is this guy?

CROW [snickers] We've got a lot of talking to do, Mikerooni!

[Crow and Tom exit, chuckling]

MIKE Hey, I didn't order any stinking pizza!

TORGO i'M sOrRy, sIr, bUt I wAs gIvEn tHiS aDdResS bY tWo metal
gEnTlEmEn...

[Torgo starts to grope/reach for Mike]

MIKE The he... Tom! Crow! Thanks a lot, you cretins!

[Torgo does Torgo-like things]

[Cut to Deep 13. Frank is covered in red goo]

FRANK Wow, yet another visit from Torgo. Nelson, this'll
show you not to send us Laz-Lor-Grams again.

[Dr. F. scrapes a bit of red goo off of Frank and tastes it]

FRANK Quite scraping me, Dr. F. [exits]

DR. F. I just love raspberry Jell-O. Push the Button, Frank.

FRANK [off camera] Hey, Mike's screaming!

DR. F. Push the Button, Frank.

FRANK [off camera] Something about a burning hand...

DR. F. *FRANK!*

[Frank enters and Pushes the Button]

*blip*

[Roll credits]

CREDITS

MST3K Original Concept by Joel Hodgson

Torgo...............himself

Captain Marissa
Flores..............Mike Nelson

Pizza...............Jake's Cholesterol Cathedral, South Side

Manacles............The Bondage Shoppe

Chains..............Tie Me Down!, Inc.

Enterprise-D
Saucer Section......Ratliffs Made Real, Ltd.

EraseHer
Technology By.......Light Industrial Magic

******************************************************************************
DISCLAIMERS [Think of this as Penn's voice talking over the credits]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters and situations
are the property of and trademarks of Best Brains, Inc. In no way should
this MiSTing be construed to be an infringement on those rights. All
rights reserved.

All Trek stuff is the property of Paramount Pictures (now known as
QVC Film Ventures, Inc.). All rights reserved.

I'm not even gonna bother to put in the disclaimer about how I don't
intend to impune John_-_Winston (extraneous punctuation or no) or
Stephen Ratliff, 'cause I *don't*. If you don't like it, deal with it,
pink boy. I don't even know the zeebs.

My opinions are my own and are not necessarily those of Duquesne University,
(Stick *that* in your pipe and smoke it, Professor Walevoli!)
*******************************************************************************

>They are a people who if you asked them
>about their sexual organs they would say,"What sexual organs, ours dropped
>off a long time ago form lack of use."

AN ADEQUATE PINEAL GLANDS PRODUCTION

--
Michael Sensor KD3LR - Duquesne University Communications Research - Pgh, PA
Mike has a cause of action against the Mads for false imprisonment, assault,
battery, intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress, negligence,
and maybe strict products liability -- if the SoL ever goes on the blink.
(Oh yeah, I'm a law student here at Duquesne too.)