[MiSTed] Near-death experience
hep...@eden.com
[Mike, Tom, and Crow are gathered around a Ouija board. The lights are
very dim.]
MIKE: [whispering] Uh, hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love.
Sorry for the dark brooding atmosphere and all, but Tom Servo is showing
us how we can use his new Ouija board to communicate with, uh...
TOM: [ominously] The Otherrrr Siiiiiide.
MIKE: Right, yeah, thanks, um, so how does this...
CROW: [loudly] Look, I simply HATE to break the overpowering feeling of
supernatural awe we're supposed to be experiencing...
TOM: CROOOW! You did it AGAIN! Dammit! EVERY time we've almost got our
concentration...
CROW: I JUST want to know, well, if this board is really a communication
portal to some alternate dimension or "dark realm" or....
TOM: What! What!
CROW: THEN WHY DO THEY SELL IT FOR FIFTEEN BUCKS IN CHEESY MALL GIFT
SHOPS!? THERE! I SAID IT!
TOM: [sputtering] But...b-because...b...
MIKE: Um, yeah, Crow has a point, Tom. I mean, shouldn't communication
with all-knowing celestial beings be something more of, you know, a
complicated process, involving...oh, I don't know, religious rites...
CROW: Faith?
MIKE: Good works?
CROW: Spiritualism?
MIKE: Voting Republican?
CROW: Playing Michael Bolton albums backwards? Heh heh...
TOM: [flustered] Okay, FINE, FINE! I try to open your little simian brains
to the enormity of creation, the awesome magnitude of space and time, the
multitudinous worlds beyond our own, the....
MIKE: Uh, excuse me, I think the Monolith is signalling...
[Mike pushes the button.]
DR. F: Ahhh, my little pagans. I hope we've all said our prayers tonight,
because I'm skipping invention exchange in order to more readily sacrifice
you to today's experiment. It's a brief piece concerning a young and, to
put it gently, stupid young man's near death experience; you know, moving
toward the light, that kind of thing? Hmmm, heh heh. You'll have
difficulty finding any light in _your_ worthless little lives after this
one, acolytes! Frank, push the...ah, forgot! I'll just do it myself.
Farewell.
[And with an evil cackle, DR. F presses the button.]
ALL: AAAAA! WE'VE GOT USENET SIIIIIIIGGGGGGN!
[...6...5...4...3...2...1]
Path: news.eden.com!uunet!in1.uu.net!jaring.my!usenet
CROW: Aaaar! This is my!usenet! Arrr!
MIKE: Avast ye matey, arrrr!
From: syed mokhsain <sm...@pop.jaring.my>
MIKE: Smsz pop. I used to drink that when I was cramming for finals.
TOM: Heard they actually used to put cocaine in that stuff.
Newsgroups: alt.paranormal
Subject: True Stories that happened to me.
Date: 29 Jun 1995 00:13:29 GMT
Organization: The one that has not set up her machine properly
CROW: Ah, it's AOL.
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: (sheepishly) Sorry...
Lines: 45
Message-ID: <3ssr79$o...@jaring.my>
NNTP-Posting-Host: j15.sha1.jaring.my
TOM: Jaring your what?
When I was young I always experienced feeling that i have been to places
before even though the place may be my first time there.
TOM: Psychologists call this deja vu.
CROW: College students call this intoxication.
MIKE: Pink Floyd fans call this acid flashbacks.
Sometimes the
situations are so familiar that i could almost predict what is going to
happen next.
MIKE: Ah, that's just the OJ trial.
TOM: Can't imagine death being _that_ boring!
As i grew older this experiences became quite frightening as
i could almost predict bad situations.
TOM: Like my grammar.
CROW: This guy had a traumatic experience in 4th grade English, I know it.
I remenber When i was 21, i was out with friends after work and suddenly
i had this very srong feeling that something was wrong.
TOM: I was the only guy in a cocktail dress!
I did not know what, but something inside me told me to get home quick. I
just left my friends and when i got home i was told by the maid that my
father had an
CROW: ...escort upstairs and my mom was on her way...
accident and was in ICU in the Hospital. When I got there the feeling was
very negative. He died that evening without regaining conciousnes as result
a ruptured artery.
Since then I have had occassional premonitions about many things that i
became frighten to make predictions as they always turn out to be true.
MIKE: That was like three run-on sentences...
TOM: [quietly] Scary...
During this period i was very stressed by my father's death, that it became
a phobia. I thought i was going to die too.
CROW: So what went wrong?
TOM: OOO! Zing!
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: (sheepishly) Sorry...jeez...
One day after a long trip,late nights and too much booze, i went swimming at
a local waterfall.
TOM: Whoa. Under the waterfall or over it?
MIKE: Depends on what he means by "too much booze," I guess.
TOM: Maybe he _was_ the waterfall.
MIKE: Ooo, Tom...
CROW: I'd feel sorry for this guy if he weren't so STUPID!
All of a sudden everything around me went bright- according
to the doctors my pupils were dilated,and suspected i had taken drugs.
CROW: So far he really hasn't done anything the average frat pledge
wouldn't tackle.
MIKE: Yeah, when is this gonna get WEIRD?
I started to perpire profusely. My brother who was with me took me straight to
the hospital.
CROW: Well, at least when he throws himself drunk over a waterfall he
brings a designated driver.
TOM: Yeah, he's one up on a pledge there.
MIKE: Good point.
By that time my situation deteriorated. My blood pressure was going
down fast due to shock. The next thing I could remember was i floated out of my
body and could see the doctors panicking around me.
CROW: "NOOO, don't cut THAT part!"
ALL: AAAAAA!
I saw this bright light and everything was white.
TOM: I'd been astrally projected into the Michigan Militia.
There were people there with their hands streched welcoming me.
MIKE: "We'd like to talk to you about Amway."
I realised they were all my dead relatives and even my father was there.
CROW: "Look at you! What kinda son are you? Jeezis! Shoulda hadda girl!"
TOM: Thanks for embarrassing me in front of the heavenly host, dad.
The feeling was really good and peacful. I just let my body float towards them.
In this dreamlike feeling i asked what was i doing here ,and I was told they are
going to take me for good. I fought back by saying that i was not ready to die.
I am too young and need to take care of the family.
TOM: He does such a fine job, with all the drunken-waterfall-jumping and all.
MIKE: Sets a good example.
CROW: "Now, kids, when performing any suicidal stunts involving alcohol,
depression, and potential drowning, be sure to bring your brother! Let us
demonstrate..."
All of a sudden the brightness faded and the doctors were slapping my
face trying to wake me up. I look around and my brother's face was pale.
MIKE: "Damn, he made it. Have to drag his butt home now..."
The doctors had told him they were loosing me. Anyway when he saw my eyes open
his colour came back.
TOM: And he vomited full in my face.
CROW & MIKE: Ewwww!
I told him to get some water and plenty of tissues as during all that
i shat in my pants.
ALL: Heeeeyy!
TOM: Gee, what a moving climax to such a profound supernatural experience!
Uh, get it, "moving"? Heh..
MIKE: Yes, thank you, Tom.
I have had one other experience but i don't have time now.
CROW: (heavy sarcasm) Oh no, PLEASE, the suspense is too MUCH!
TOM: Maybe he'll jump off the World Trade Center.
MIKE: He'll need to bring his brother and about six cousins for that.
I will post this later.
mokey
TOM: Uh, gotta go, guys.
MIKE: (picking up Tom) Fine with me.
CROW: Archangel Mokey. Hmm. Don't see it. Sorry.
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--
A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe,
"The fact has not created in me
a sense of obligation."
--Stephen Crane
MW