[MiSTied] PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (with short!)
Austin George Loomis
begin kibitzing over his shoulders.]
TOM: You're actually _reading_ MISSION EARTH? That's extremely icky, Mike!
CROW: Oh come on! If you ignore the wild-eyed conspiracy ravings, it's a
rip-roaring adventure yarn!
TOM: But if you ignore them, there's no story!
CROW: Liberal killjoy!
TOM: Blind-eyed idolator!
CROW: At least I _got_ eyes, bubble-head!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 seconds.
MIKE [looks up wearily]: We'll be right back.
[Daffy Duck is running through the forest with Elmer behind him as a singer
informs us that it doesn't matter what comes. The Duck ducks behind a tree
and produces, from some imaginary back pocket, a roll of Mentos. He
"consumes the pellet of perkiness", leaps out and sticks his tongue out at
Elmer, and keeps the smile even when his beak ends up on the back of his
head.]
[SoL. Bots in the time-out box.]
MIKE: Guys, guys, you're both right. Crow, _you're_ right that MISSION EARTH
is a rousing good read, a marvelous homage to 30s pulps.
CROW: Just like STAR TREK!
MIKE: And Tom, _you're_ right that without Hubbard's political axe-grinding,
the story behind the book would be a lot different, if it existed at all.
MAGIC VOICE: Incoming call sign.
MIKE: Hold that thought. Hightee Heller and the Countess Krak are on
Homeview. [to hexfield] Your Lordship, Sir!
[D13. Frank is hooked up to some sort of unfriendly-looking machine by
means of the famous Tiny Itchy Diodes (tm). Wires run from the machine to
the Umbilicus, and Dr. F stands at its controls.]
DR.F: Ah, J. Warbler Madman. For today's experiment, I'll be conducting a
study in brain transference. That is, would it be possible to copy
Frank's alleged mind into your precious Gypsy, and vice versa?
[Dr.F throws the switch, and the machine promptly blows up.]
FRANK: I guess not, huh, Steve?
[Clayton looks crestfallen, but quickly recovers.]
DR.F: Moving right along, we have this charming piece of spam sent in by an
alert reader who had it land in his mailbox twice in the same day. --
Push the button, Frank!
[SoL. Alarums and excursions.]
MIKE: Aaah! We've got advertising sign!
>From Tra...@aol.com Fri Oct 21 10:00:42 1994
CROW: Oh boy. AOL. This is gonna be bad.
TOM: We're gonna get burned, Mike. We're gonna get roasted like nuts.
>Received: from mail02.prod.aol.net by whale.st.usm.edu (AIX 3.2/UCB 5.64/4.03)
> id AA71469; Fri, 21 Oct 1994 10:00:39 -0500
>Received: by mail02.prod.aol.net
> (1.38.193.5/16.2) id AA13483; Fri, 21 Oct 1994 11:00:37 -0400
>Date: Fri, 21 Oct 1994 11:00:37 -0400
>From: Tra...@aol.com
CROW: Is there an echo in here?
>Sender: Tra...@aol.com
TOM: Yup. There's an echo in here.
>Message-Id: <941021110...@aol.com>
>To: Austin George Loomis <alo...@whale.st.usm.edu>
CROW: "Austin George Loomis"? What, were this kid's parents so poor they
couldn't afford to put his first name at the beginning?
MIKE: Be nice.
>Subject: Important Trademark Information
>Status: RO
>
TOM: Well, she's not going to guest-star on Voyager.
CROW: _Nobody's_ going to guest-star on Voyager.
> Important Trademark Information
>
TOM: "Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is a trademark of Best Brains Inc."
MIKE: Uh, Tom, that goes at the _end_ of the post.
> Are you using, or planning to use, a unique name for a service or product?
CROW: Well, since you ask, yes we are.
> Here's important information for you.
TOM: Dear Friend, my name is Dave Rhodes.
> Avoid the loss of your time, effort, and money in building up the
MIKE: attempted suspense.
> goodwill
>and reputation of a name. Avoid potential infringement lawsuits. Before you
CROW: dress, caress.
>proceed any further, you should
TOM: disconnect your brain, like I did.
> know the trademark and service mark usage of
>that name.
TOM: Ahem. "Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is a--"
CROW: We're not out of the woods yet, hover-top.
> Now, at very low cost, you can quickly learn
CROW: too late that man is a feeling creature and hates being spammed.
> all Federal, State and Common
>Law usage's of any name you select.
TOM: Usage is of large quantities of processed meat and low quantities of
correct punctuation.
> You'll know who, if anyone, is using the
>name and whether their usage covers your particular product or service.
CROW: Or whether your product or service just has to run around in a posing
pouch.
MIKE: Crow!
> You'll even know their first usage date, filing date, and recording date.
CROW: But _I_ still won't get _any_ dates because I'm on AOL.
> Don't delay- act now to protect your interests. As you know, Microsoft is
>having trademark problems with the name "Windows".
TOM: You say that like it was a _bad_ thing.
> Even tiny Ray's in New
>York City, has seen its name used on so many pizza parlors that no one is
>sure just who is the "Original Ray's".
MIKE: They're going after pizza parlors? Is _nothing_ sacred?
> Don't let this happen to you. Be
>prepared.
MIKE: America Online Traveler's Checks -- don't dial out without them.
CROW: o/~ If you're looking for adventure of a new and different kind/And you
come across a Girl Scout who is similarly inclined... o/~
MIKE: --the hell?
CROW: Tom Lehrer. Before your time.
TOM: Before yours too, buzzard-beak!
> The cost for the complete Federal, State, and Common Law usage report is
>only, $99.00 for the first two names searched. The cost is only $25.00 for
>each additional name, searched at the same time.
MIKE: Alternatively, you could just go down to your local library and search
the records yourself for next to nothing, but then where would WE be?
> For Fastest Service, we accept:
> Visa, Mastercard, and American Express
>
CROW: Alternatively, deposit $100 in small unmarked bills in the old oak by
the crossroads.
> For further information, contact The Trademark Group at:
>
> 573...@mcimail.com
>
TOM: AOL and MCImail in the same post. This is very bad.
> Please don't wait until it's too late.
>
MIKE: Yes! Mailbomb me now, _before_ they disconnect my account!
> Thank You!
>
TOM: Thank you for your kind attention -- I'm outta here!
[SoL. Mike and the bots relaxing.]
MIKE: Well, that was certainly an atrocity. [returns to his book] Almost as
ugly as some of the things Crobe does.
MAGIC VOICE: Incoming call sign.
MIKE: Miss Pinch and Candy? Oh Gods, will duty never cease to nag? [to
hexview] May foul weather inundate Your Lordship and his Court!
[D13. Frank is hanging by his ankles from the ceiling, and Dr.F is
brandishing a feather. The Tiny Itchy Diodes are back in place.]
DR.F: I'm happy to see you too, Officer Gris. Frank's enjoying this, aren't
you, Frank?
[He begins to tickle Frank unmercifully. Frank laughs despite his obvious
pain.]
DR.F: More than you'll enjoy this next piece of transcendent irrelevance!
A public service announcement about Electroshock in England, from...
well, _that_ would be telling! Suffice it to say that it's on _none_
of the appropriate newsgroups! Push the button, Frank!
[As it happens, Frank is hanging over the button, and is thus able to reach
down and press it.]
[SoL. Alarums and excursions.]
>
>From laz...@cix.compulink.co.uk Tue Oct 18 13:59:35 CDT 1994
TOM: I am Lazarus, come from the grave.
MIKE: That is not what I meant at all.
>Article: 4133 of rec.toys.misc
TOM: I'm confused. The Mads said this post was about electroshock. What's
it doing in rec.toys.misc ?
CROW: Getting the Bandwidth Conservancy riled up.
>Newsgroups: rec.pets,rec.photo,rec.puzzles,rec.pyrotechnics,rec.scouting,
>+ rec.scuba,rec.skate,rec.skiing,rec.sport.misc,rec.toys.misc,
>+ rec.travel
TOM: When you photograph your pet solving puzzles, it's best not to set off
fireworks around him, especially if traveling Scouts are scuba diving,
skiing, skating, or playing at miscellaneous sports with miscellaneous
toys.
MIKE: Very good, Tom.
>Path: nntp.st.usm.edu!darwin.sura.net!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!
>+ EU.net!uknet!cix.compulink.co.uk!lazarus
>From: laz...@cix.compulink.co.uk ("Steve Turnbull")
CROW: He's not sure, but he _thinks_ that's his name. Unless it's Lazarus
Long.
>Subject: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
>Message-ID: <CxvBG...@cix.compulink.co.uk>
>Organisation: CCHR UK
>
MIKE: Comedy Central Hates Ratings?
TOM: Captain Continuity Hits wReam?
CROW: Craig Charles Hasn't Raped?
>Organization: Compulink Information eXchange
>Distribution: UK
TOM: So what's it doing here?
CROW: Maybe because he set it to "UK" rather than "uk".
>Date: Tue, 18 Oct 1994 12:17:09 GMT
>Lines: 165
>Xref: nntp.st.usm.edu rec.pets:8621 rec.photo:42544 rec.puzzles:11289
>+ rec.pyrotechnics:9796 rec.scouting:10298 rec.scuba:17585
>+ rec.skate:17745 rec.sport.misc:1728 rec.toys.misc:4133
>
>WARNING
>
MIKE: The following material may not be suitable for people with more than two
functional brain cells.
>PSYCHIATRY ENDORSES CHILD ABUSE
>
CROW: Lie down on the couch and drop your pants.
>PHYSICAL TREATMENT, PERMANENT DAMAGE
>
MIKE: Crow--!
CROW: I was finished with that joke. I swear I was.
>Most people would conclude that anyone who took a child,
TOM: was probably Trumpy.
> tied him
>down, connected wires to his head and
MIKE: shot him into space.
> subjected him to electric
>shocks which permanently damaged his brain, whilst
TOM: "whilst"? Boy, this post really _was_ meant for uk only, wannit?
CROW [West Country accent]: Ar.
> pretending
>such treatment is ”good for him,• was guilty of dreadful abuse.
>
TOM: But then, they probably didn't see SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS.
CROW: Those kids deserved it, didn't they?
MIKE: You've got me mixed up with the other guy.
>Anyone who repeatedly did this to children would be rightly
>considered a monster and torturer of the most appalling kind.
TOM: Either that or Keemar.
>Yet, the Royal College of Psychiatrists is all set to give the
>green light to psychiatrists throughout the country to carry out
>this torture on innocent children.
>
CROW: "Throughout the country"? Damn limeys. Don't they realize people
outside England read the Internet?
>The horrors of Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT) were introduced
>to the world in the 1930's by Italian psychiatrist, Ugo Cerletti,
>after watching its use in the slaughter of hogs in a
MIKE: film by Stan Brakhage.
> Rome
>slaughterhouse. Its use was adopted by the Nazis, who
>experimented with it in the concentration camps as a method of
>torture, terror and control.
TOM: Until they found out that Leni Riefenstahl films worked just as well.
> Psychiatry has carried on this
>tradition and purpose into modern times where, dressed up in
>pseudo-scientific trappings, it has been used in institutions to
>punish or render patients tractable.
>
CROW: Oh boy, fulminations against psychiatry. Just like MISSION EARTH all
over again.
MIKE [fake German accent]: Pzykiatrik Birth Kontrol iss za greatezt brojekdt
effer! ZUPPORDT IDT!
>BUT WHAT IS ECT?
>
TOM: That thing Werner Erhard did.
MIKE: You mean the Hunger Project?
>It is the process of passing an electric current through a
>person's brain,
CROW: Which does no good if there's nothing there.
> thereby destroying healthy brain tissue. It
>causes convulsions severe enough to break the victim's teeth and
>bones;
MIKE: but then, so does this post.
> because of this "side effect" powerful drugs are now given
>to prevent breakage, but the effects on the person's brain are
>undiminished, and they also additionally often become addicted to
>the drugs.
>
MIKE: Man -- can I score for some sedatives?
CROW: And then the moon came out and it was like Jerry _willed_ it!
>WHAT DOES ECT DO TO THE BRAIN?
>
>Neurologist Dr. John Friedberg has written, "All ECT does is
>produce brain damage ... if you want brain damage, it's your
>prerogative ... there's no more effective way than
TOM: religion.
> ECT. It's more
>effective than a car wreck or getting hit with a blunt
>instrument."
CROW: And a lot more fun than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
> Professor of Neurophysiology, Peter Stirling,
>presented testimony to the New York State Assembly Standing
>Committee on Mental Health that: "ECT alters brain physiology
>from normal to abnormal,"
TOM: going _through_ normal and out the other side.
> explaining that the shock-induced
>seizure ruptures blood vessels in the brain and causes damage to
>the barrier that prevents blood entering the grey matter of the
>brain. In other words: ECT causes extensive and permanent brain
>damage.
>
>WHAT EFFECT DOES ECT HAVE ON THE MIND?
>
CROW [too-perfect Dr.F voice]: It turns it to nacho-flavored yogurt, booby.
>As early as 1951 one eminent psychiatrist reported to the CIA
>that: "The standard shock electric shock machine ... produced the
>normal electric shock-treatment (including convulsion) with
>amnesia after a number of treatments ...
MIKE: If I'd had amnesia, I would have remembered it?
> (an) individual could
>gradually be reduced through the use of electric-shock treatment
>to the vegetable level.
>
TOM: And, after a few more, to the mineral level.
>Victim after victim of ECT testifies that ECT is an agonising and
>terrifying process which produces memory loss, personality change
>and general disability. Far from it curing "depression" as
>psychiatrists falsely claim, its victims often commit suicide.
CROW: Sounds like an attractive alternative right now.
>One such was the acclaimed author Ernest Hemingway, who said:
>"Well, what is the sense of ruining my head and erasing my
>memory, which is my capital, and putting me out of business? It
>was a brilliant cure, but we lost the patient."
>
MIKE: Didn't the other guy say something like that once?
CROW: The quote file should still be available. Let's look it up.
>DOES ECT PRODUCE ANY WORTHWHILE RESULT?
>
TOM: If you considered brains over-easy worthwhile.
>Against the long and well-documented catalogue of harm caused by
>ECT, there is *no* proper scientific evidence to show that it
>cures depression. Considering the severity of ECT's dangers, it
>is for psychiatry to prove first that it is safe, second that it
>cures depression. Psychiatry has proven neither.
>
CROW: At least, not in any way that would satisfy Officer Heller.
>Psychiatry as a profession has the highest suicide rate in the
>world, yet despite these obvious problems with depression one can
>search in vain for a psychiatrist who has voluntarily undergone
>ECT.
>
MIKE [as psychiatrist]: Whaddya think we are? Crazy?
CROW [as Dr. Kutzbrane]: Nurse Skrew! Send in Lizzie Borden! NEXT!!
>Not content with bringing terror, pain and irreparable harm to
>thousands of adults, the Royal College of Psychiatrists' "ECT
>Committee" has proposed guidelines for the use of ECT on
>children, who are even less able to defend themselves against
>such barbarities. These guidelines are due to be ratified by the
>RCP on the 25th October 1994.
>
TOM: The clock is ticking. My spirit is snoring.
>Parents have for decades been warning their children against
>putting their fingers in electric sockets. Psychiatry wants to
>put their brain in one!
>
CROW: Ooh, real clever metaphor.
>ARE THERE ALTERNATIVES TO ECT?
>
MIKE: Are there alternatives to this post? is what _I_ wanna know.
>This is the equivalent to asking, "Are there alternatives to
>beating your child over the head with the stick?" The first
>alternative is "Don't do it!"
>
CROW: o/~ So you must pay me now o/~
MIKE & TOM: o/~ Don't do it! o/~
>The causes of a child's social and psychological problems
>frequently stem from remediable but often undiagnosed and
>untreated physical ailments: dietary deficiencies, the presence
>of drugs (including psychiatric drugs) and other toxins in the
>body, suppressed pain, glandular disorders or even simple
>fatigue.
>
MIKE: And don't forget negative engrams.
>Where a child is exhibiting some difficulty, only a brute would
>proceed to ruin him permanently with ECT.
>
TOM: Oh, you BRUTE! You CAD! You MASHER! You mad impetuous FOOL!
>The solution is to have him/her thoroughly checked for physical
>problems and put onto the correct physical handling by a proper
>medical doctor and/or nutritionist, not to burn away healthy
>brain tissue.
>
MIKE: That would make sense. We couldn't do that.
>WHAT CAN BE DONE TO STOP THIS?
>
CROW [Dr.F voice again]: Push the button, Frank.
>The Citizens Commission on Human Rights,
ALL: Oh. CCHR.
> which was established in
>1969 by the Church of Scientology(R) to
MIKE: help those Weepers get over their Clamhood Traumas.
> investigate and expose
>psychiatric violations of human rights, is campaigning to stop
>psychiatric abuse of children with ECT.
>
TOM: As well as to expose the ancient Catrists of the Psychlos as the source
of all evil in the Multiverse.
>You can help by doing one of the following:
>
CROW: Send all your money to the Church for books and tapes.
>* Write to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, at 17 Belgrave
>Square, London (fax 071 245 1231) demanding that ECT be banned on
>children, not endorsed.
>
TOM: Why ask why? Try Brain Fry.
>* Write to your local MP, asking him/her to take this up with the
>Health Secretary, again calling for ECT on children to be banned.
>
MIKE: The Sensible Party is lined up on our side.
>* Take part in demonstrations which are planned around the
>country, culminating in one outside the Royal College of
>Psychiatrists on the 25th October. For more details, contact
>Graeme Wilson at CCHR's national office on 0342 313926.
>
TOM: We're here! We're clear! Get used to it!
>* Arrange to get petition signatures - for a copy of the
>petition, again contact CCHR's national office, as above.
>
MIKE: Of course, you'll want to dummy it up so it looks homemade and
spontaneous.
>* Write to local newspapers about the campaign.
>
CROW: Don't mention the Church, of course.
>* Ask your friends and relatives to help in the above.
>
TOM: And have them come to the Auditing Centre with you after.
>* If you know of anyone who has had ECT as a child, who would be
>willing to speak out about their experience in order to help
>prevent others suffering, please contact CCHR.
>
CROW: Yes, I had ECT as a child, and I think I'm a better person for it.
TOM: Get this SP off the air now!
>## CCHR UK, PO Box 188, East Grinstead, Sussex, RH19 2FL. Tel:
>0342 313926 ##
>
MIKE: Black Genesis -- Fortress of East Grinstead.
TOM: o/~ The Higsons come from Norwich/And they eat a lot of porridge/But I
prefer East Grinstead/I'm running out of living o/~
>Copyright (c) 1994 CCHR All Rights Reserved. Scientology is a
>Trademark and Service Mark owned by Religious Technology Center
>and use with its permission.
>
MIKE: Do these guys know about The Trademark Group?
><end of press release>
>
>This problem is serious. Just try imagining it happening to you
>now,
MIKE: We don't _have_ to imagine -- it _is_ happening. To us. Now.
> then imagine it happening when you were a child, now *do*
>something about it.
>
TOM: I'd slap this post if I could.
>If you do something let the CCHR know, and also tell them where
>you heard about it.
>
CROW: And be sure to let my postmaster know where you heard about it too.
>Thanks. Steve Turnbull.
>
>
>
>
[SoL. Post-mortem.]
TOM: What can we do about something like that?
CROW: What the Voltarians did to the Earth. We declare it a non-post.
MIKE: Good idea. -- What do you think, sirs?
[D13. Frank is strapped down, with Dr.F preparing to turn a dial.]
Dr.F: Stop squirming, Frank -- this is for science!
\ | / Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is a trademark of Best Brains Inc.
\|/ Use of trademarked characters is for entertainment purposes only,
---o--- and no infringement of BBI's trademarks or copyrights is intended
/|\ or should be inferred. The opinions in this post are not those
/ | \ of the MiSTer, nor of BBI (I fervently hope).
INFO-GODDESS: juliewa
NET-FIENDS: Dreamy Inglis and Clarinda
HOST SEGMENTS BY: the Trolls at Tom & Jerry's Wallball Palace
WRITTEN BY: Austin Loomis
FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS BY: Wiser Men than You and I
>* If you know of anyone who has had ECT as a child, who would be
>willing to speak out about their experience in order to help
>prevent others suffering, please contact CCHR.