MiSTed: Two Earth Women Meet Space Men (parts 3 and 4)

[Eric Simon]

Here are parts 3 and 4 of this 5-part John_-_Winston article. Don't worry if
you missed the first two. They wouldn't have helped you understand any better
anyway.
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Article 68282 of sci.skeptic:
>Path: news.acns.nwu.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!sdd.hp.com!portal.com!portal!
>cup.portal.com!John_-_Winston
>From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com

TOM: I'd like a cup to vomit in.
CROW: Huh?
TOM: Bukowski.

>Newsgroups: talk.religion.newage,sci.skeptic,alt.paranormal
>Subject: Earth Ladies And Space Gentlemen. Part 3.
>Message-ID: <112...@cup.portal.com>
>Date: Mon, 23 May 94 07:39:34 PDT

CROW: Pretty Darn Tasteless?
MIKE: No, Pacific Dimwit Time.
CROW: Oh.

>Organization: The Portal System (TM)
>References: <84...@cup.portal.com> <84...@cup.portal.com>
> <110...@cup.portal.com> <CovBA...@cuug.ab.ca> <110...@cup.portal.com>
>Lines: 113

TOM: [announcer] 113 lines of grand-spanking boredom!

>Xref: news.acns.nwu.edu talk.religion.newage:19040 sci.skeptic:68282
>alt.paranormal:11750

>Subject: Two Ladies Meet Two Space Gentlemen. Part 3.

> We will now go into the third part of our discussion of two ladies and
>their interplay with the space men.........................................
>...........................................................................

MIKE: I'm convinced this guy writes for some journal of sexual innuendo.


> A few weeks later we were contacted by the Brothers and were told that the
>Martian Council had requested us to speak of the powerful effects of the A
>and H bombs and ALSO

TOM: ALSO causes 20 percent of rodent deaths each year!
CROW: Buy ALSO today!

> the future of those responsible for their evil.

MIKE: I think Oppenheimer's dead.

> When
>we were told these requests we asked for information to give Earth's people,
>and the following is what they gave us.

TOM: [Alexei Sayle voice] Two tickets to see the Brazilian National Mime
Theatre at Riverside Studio...
CROW: [same] One of them little rubber things that go "Neep! Neep! Neep!"

> It was prepared by one of the
>Brothers know as Sigt.

CROW: Hey, how do you pronounce that?
TOM: I think it's like "sight", but without the h.
MIKE: No one is blinder than he who will not see.

> I wil go directly into his message and then would
>like to take up a subject that many people have questioned us about-such
>subjects as evil flying saucers and evil space people, also strange
>phenonema that seem to defy natural law will be spoken of.

TOM: Also strange sentence structure that seems to defy 5th grade grammar.

> Now, I would like
>to give you Sigt's message:

CROW: Oh *would* you?


> "Earth's scientists are creating around planet Earth the most deadly
>condition to material man

CROW: Madonna?

> than ever {has been before}.

TOM: Oh, don't bother trying to fix the alien's grammar. You're not exactly
Mr. MLA Handbook yourself.

> The explosions of
>the A and |H bombs

ALL: |Huh?

> are placing the residue particles of radioactivity into
>all the materials of Earth. Each human being upon Earth now carries a
>certain degree of radioactivity in their bones and systems.

MIKE: DOS?
TOM: OS/2?
CROW: UNIX?

> Why should it be
>significant to hear of this when you cannot see the radioactivity, nor hear
>it as it does much destructive work?

TOM: Oh, I guess it's not. Let's end this article.


> "In the advanced laboratories of Mars we have proved the detructibility
>of such uncontrolled energy.

MIKE: We've been using Elvis as a test subject.
TOM: [whispering] Mike! This was 1957. Elvis was still here.
MIKE: I know. That's my point.

> Radioactivity drops, upon the grass,
>buildings and people after being carried by the air currents around an
>explosion. This energy is in minute particles that have the effect of
>deterioration to the molecules of all material things. This radioactivity
>settles around an object or body and penetrates the outer area of the surface
>or skin.

CROW: This is starting to get scary.

> What does radioactivity look like, you many wonder.

TOM: No, we many do *not* wonder.


> "As an explanation, many of you have seen small dust spirals along the
>streets or in a dusty area that swirl around and around in circles that then
>seem to disappear.

CROW: Um...sure. [whispering] Just go along with it, guys.

> Radioactivity has the same effect and looks very
>similar as it settles around a body.

TOM: When a body meets a body comin' through the a-bomb.

> The small particles are caught up in a
>swirling counter-clock-wise motion that cause them to be driven down into
>the surface of the body cells. This energy, once inside the body, offsets
>the balance of the normal cell and causes it to become either agitated into
>more activity as it tries to cast back out of the system, or else the
>radioactivity attacks cells that are already weakened by illness, and
>immediately sets up a destruction of them.

MIKE: Wow, this sure got serious in a hurry.
TOM: What happened to descriptions of aliens playing shuffleboard?


> " When this new activity occurs in a normal cell a powerful microscope
>would reveal the atomical structure

MIKE: That's a pretty powerful microscope all right.

> of the cell is creating a counter
>offensive action

CROW: Desert Storm? Oh, sorry.

> that is clockwise as compared to the counter-clockwise
>motion of the radiactivity. When this occurs, there is eventually a
>breaking down of the cell's motion, for as the explosions of the A and H
>bombs continue the aciton of the radioactivity

TOM: The aciton? Is that a new quark?
MIKE: Fermilab just discovered it last week.

> is strengthened by this and
>overpowers the clockwise motion of the body cels

CROW: Animation cels?

> that are attempting to
>throw off the radioactivity. Thus, the body cells are forced to become
>activated in the same manner. This creates a drawing together or
>constriction of the cells and creates abnormal conditions and illnesses. As
>the radioactivity increases the rate of motion increases around each body
>living on Earth. This changes the cell formaiton

MIKE: See, the formaiton is the quark that's paired with the aciton.

> and in the next gereration

TOM: Winston misspellings, the next gereration.
MIKE: You know, that's not a very common typo. "R" is nowhere near "n".
CROW: Well, they kinda look alike.

>this inherent conditon is accentuated by the accumulated mass of more
>radioactivity. In the second and third generations these changes are
>visible as definite deformations of the body, and this in turn, if not
>controlled, will lead to a generation of mutants.

ALL: TOO LATE!


> "What does radioactivity sound like?

TOM: [sings] I'm-a radioactive!

> I will try to explain. Many people
>are receptive to certain high vibratory sounds

TOM: Well *that* explains Michael Jackson's appeal.
CROW: Don't you mean Janet?
TOM: No...

> that are derived from the
>atomic explosions, and are the elemnetal changes in the atmospheres of
>earth. These high pitched sounds are very serious, for they can almost
>pierce the very soul consciousness, and cause changes there.

MIKE: Wow, I had no idea radioactivity was reaching into my soul.
TOM: So, what do you think it does to your soul?
CROW: It gathers everybody in Boulder and Las Vegas for a final showdown
between good and evil?

> The
>consciousness of Man is being affected every day by these vibrations

TOM: [singing] Good, good, good...good vibrations!

> that
>these explosions have created, and unless these are altered or until the
>explosions of this nature are stopped the Mind of Man will be changed in
>drastic measures.

MIKE: I guess in 1957 nuclear power was still in the hands of witch doctors.

>Some of these notes can cause a perfectly healthy person to
>develop a fatal illness, some can affect the mental processes terribly,

TOM: Some can affect regularity...
MIKE: Ewww...

> other
>of these vibrations, if not altered within the consciousness of the
>indivdual, can cause one to commit acts that otherwise would not be done.

CROW: Such as...posting 40 year-old articles from UFO Universe on the net?

>But most serious indeed are the changes in the atomical structures of the
>atmospheres of Earth. Here the greatest battle of all is arising.

CROW: Whoah! Haul out the Veritech fighters!

> The
>Earth wants to separate with this activity, but the consciousnesses of the
>higher evolved here upon Earth and in Space are preventing this, until
>Earth can adjust.

TOM: [Minnesota lady's voice] Ohhh, the Earth's just going through a phase.

>
> "How can you stop this from happening?

CROW: By putting John_-_Winston in your permanent kill file.

> The answer is simply stop the
>unnecessary test of these bombs. For those who maintain it is necessary to
>show the military strength, we can only say what strength is there to be
>shown that deprives the people, vegetation and animals of a perfectly
>beautiful and attainable future otherwise.

MIKE: Right on, Space brother!
TOM: Guys, we just hit a valid point in a J_-_W post. Isn't that one of the
signs of the apocalypse?

> Is it truly possible that the
>{deceivability} of such destructive weapons

ALL: WHAT?
TOM: I didn't know the MX was easily fooled.

> can replace sane, sound acitons
>of better living? It is necessary now for the Space People living upon Earth

CROW: [old man voice] Damn illegal aliens are ruining the country!

>to take protective measures or otherwise suffer the same effects from
>radioactivity as the citizens. It is not possible for us to give Earth's
>people enough of the protectors without the cooperation of the governments,
>and such cooperation is at present unattainable.

TOM: And I suppose they *really* tried hard!

> The continuance of these
>tests are affecting all responsible for them, and if one accepts
>reincarnation as an answer it would be definitely seen why no one here or
>responsible for these tests would want to re-live again in mutated bodies of
>the future generations.

MIKE: Wait, now he's arguing the Hindu standpoint? Boy, he is all over the
map!

> If reincarnation be unacceptable to the average
>person, then the knowledge that these tests are mutating their children and
>their children's children should be sufficient reason for stopping them. Our
>warning to Earth is cease you tests and save you future."

CROW: Well, he's certainly a very hip Space Person.

>
> What the Space People are trying to make clear in this message and many
>others similar to this is that Earth is now in a most perilous situation,
>and faces self-destruction of humanity.

MIKE: Oh well. No great loss.

> In the two years we have contacted
>the Brothers they have been concerned and talked most frequently about the
>destructibility of the A and H Bombs. Speaking of this destruction, the
>questions I mentioned earlier come to my mind, and that is concerning the
>evil flying saucers and evil space people.

CROW: *That* was an awkward segue!

>
>JW Wasn't Carl Sagan part of a protest group for something or another?
>

TOM: Ummm...sure John, whatever you say.

>Part 3.
>
>Source Of Information: UFO UNIVERSE, SUMMER, 1994.
>
>John Winston.

o...2...3...4...5...6

[sol]

TOM: Wow, Mike this just gets weirder and weirder. In the last one, we at
least got descriptions of alien ships. Now all of the sudden the aliens
get preachy on us.
[lights flash]
MIKE: Well, that seems to be the way it is with any group of guys that call
each other "Brother" - first they show you how cool their place is, and then
when you're in, they start in on all the lame rules and regulations.
CROW: Uh, Mike, the great interrupters are calling.
MIKE: Oh, right. [hits button]

[deep 13 - Frank and Dr. F have their faces in the camera]

DR. F: What are you doing out of the theater, Whitley Striber?

[sol]

MIKE: Well, this part's done.

[deep 13 - same as before]

FRANK: I don't think so, mamma-jamma. You're goin' right back in there.
DR. F: That's right, Mikey, we're slamming straight on into part 4!

[sol - lights flashing]

CROW: Now *that* is unneccessarily cruel!
TOM: We've got post siiign!

6...5...4...3...2...o

>Article 68358 of sci.skeptic:
>Path:
news.acns.nwu.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!sunic!EU.net!uunet!decwrl!portal.com!portal!cup.portal.com!John_-_Winston
>From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com
>Newsgroups: talk.religion.newage,sci.skeptic,alt.paranormal

TOM: So, Mike, would you consider yourself a newage paranormal skeptic?

>Subject: Earth Ladies and Space Gentlemen. Part 4.
>Message-ID: <112...@cup.portal.com>
>Date: Mon, 23 May 94 22:10:00 PDT
>Organization: The Portal System (TM)

MIKE: Where *is* this place, and why do they get to put TM after their name?

>References: <84...@cup.portal.com> <84...@cup.portal.com>
> <110...@cup.portal.com> <CovBA...@cuug.ab.ca> <110...@cup.portal.com>
>Lines: 98

CROW: Well, at least this one's a little shorter.

>Xref: news.acns.nwu.edu talk.religion.newage:19057 sci.skeptic:68358
> alt.paranormal:11773
>
>Subject: Earth Women and Space Gentlemen. Part 4.

TOM: Why, oh why do there have to be two subject lines?

> Now onward and upward to the fourth part of a lady meeting space people...
>............................................................................

CROW: Which part of a lady is the fourth part?
MIKE: Um...

>
> First, we must consider the evidence presented.

MIKE: No...first we should remind everybody just what the heck we're talking
about.

> There have been saucers
>that were reported as having a negative effect upon people by burning them
>or causing nausea, etc.

MIKE: Well, a little bit of immolation is to be expected.

> And in some instances there have been cases
>reported where people have been assaulted by beings that havee

CROW: "Havee"? Is Queequeg telling the story all of the sudden?

> merged from
>some saucers and actually attacked them. The descriptions of these beings
>have been generally of a small type

TOM: 10 pt klingon bold?

> of people who were unusually crafty or
>mischievous and who actualy grasp people

CROW: That's pretty good. Most aliens just don't get it.

> and attempted to drag them into
>their craft.

MIKE: You're going to make this leather mug, and you're going to enjoy it!

Wher do these beings come from, and why are they entering this
>system?

CROW: Cheap gas?

> No doubt most of you will agree there is a tremendous battle going
>on between the good and the bad, which concerns all thoughts, actions and
>influences.

TOM: Now *that* is an amazingly huge assumption.

> From thousands of years ago to the present age this battle
>between right and wrong has been waged against civilizaiton

MIKE: I don't get it. Is civilization the right side or the wrong side?
CROW: Both.
MIKE: Oh...huh?

> and has balanced
>first in favor of the good and righteous, and then turning and swaying in
>favor of the wicked or evil.

CROW: Wow, suddenly we're reading Revelations!

> This strange course of events has been
>necessary for certain conditions to prevail upon Earth, so that beneficial
>results would come about. The devastating bubonic plague that swept Eruope
>in the Dark Ages was indeed a terrible thing

TOM: But boy, was it good for the gravedigger business!

> and was judged to be just that
>by the people, but this negative condition actually paved the way for more
>sanitary conditions. All evil will give way to the good, and all wrong has
>a right.

MIKE: You know, it's not usually a good idea to be fatalist when you're
making an argument for morality.

> The space people that have negative qualities about them are coming from
>farther space systems, although I do not wish to imply that all space
>craft from farther systems is evil.

TOM: Oh no. We certainly wouldn't want to offend any extraterrestrials, now
would we?

> Many of the craft from farther systems
>are very good and are also trying to help Earth; however, it is only those
>certain evil systems that we should consider when I say those from a farther
>system than our own.

MIKE: Well, I'm so glad you cleared that up.

> It is these negative beings who are here for the purpose
>of actually taking people from Earth to indoctrinate them with their ideas,
>so they in turn will cause confusion and disturbances upon the planet.

CROW: Well that explains Rush Limbaugh.

> The
>true purpose behind this is to prevent harmony and peace, for they are in
>alliance with those beings living in Earth,

MIKE: Uh...what beings live *in* Earth?
TOM: I guess they're in league with professor Moliarty.
CROW: Did I just hear a Darkwing Duck reference?
MIKE: Well, just look at who wrote this MiSTing.
TOM: D'oh!

> who themselves will be forced
>to leave Earth when peace and brotherhood is completed.

TOM: The Pentagon will just *have* to go!

> The gains that these
>negative people obtain from their alliance with those other negatives in
>Earth is not know by us,

CROW: Well, we *do* know that two negatives make a positive.

> but it must be quite profitable for them to engage
>so actively against the Space Brothers who are trying to help Earth.

MIKE: So what do the Space Brothers get out of it? They get bupkus!

> The
>Space Brothers who are trying to help Earth have to contend with these craft
>and beings form other less desirable systems,

TOM: Sounds like the universe needs zoning laws.

> and also have to contend with
>the disbelieving masses of people who either do not know of the need for
>harmony and peace or those who do not want to listen to their urgent
>requests.

MIKE: Well, they just need a better PR department.

> The job of the Space Brothers is not easy, for it is necessary to
>prepare the people of Earth to accept their existemce,

TOM: Whoo! That *is* tough!

> and also to guide
>them in proper understanding so that peace and co-existence will be possible.
>
> Many people seem to feel that the negative beings are only from planet
>Earth and consists only of those fallen angels who were cast out of heaven
>by a Supreme Command from the Most High.

CROW: Whoah! Wait a minute! Back up! What?

> Many can quote the proper passages
>of the Bible and prove that there are fallen angels living here on Earth,

MIKE: But can they prove it using only a compass and a straight-edge?

> who
>cause the necessary confusion and evil which we here must live among. There
>are those intelligneces of superior powers who we would call fallen angels
>living on Earth, but it is not wholly from them that the evil or bad flying
>saucers come.

TOM: "Evil or bad"? What's the matter, John? Do you think "evil" is beyond
the comprehension of your readers?
CROW: You mean it isn't?

> As you look up into the sky at night you see multitudes of
>stars, planets and suns moving on in beautiful orbits.

MIKE: Oh come on. How many people can see orbits?
CROW: I've got time-lapse photographic memory.

> However, if you could
>move out through space and watch the barbarous conditons that exist upon some
>of these stars you would be shocked.

TOM: I don't think too much besides fusion is going on "upon" those stars.

> There are some systems advanced in
>scientific accomplishments to the degree of mastery over space, but those
>systems have advanced in science alone and have little spiritual advancement.


MIKE: Hey scientists are feeling creatures too! If you cut me, do I not
spill oil?

>They come here to Earth and to other planets in farther systems to form
>alliance with those intelligneces who will provide them the necessary
>fulfillment of their evil desires and wishes.

CROW: Mike, what are intelligneces?
MIKE: I don't know, but the way he uses it, it sounds pretty dirty.

>
> Planet Earth is now visited by such craft, whose occupants live and profit
>from the unrest and disharmony present. Who can truly say what percent
>of our actions are fueling these beings with necessary materials and profit.

ALL: FORTY-TWO!!

>What these profits are cannot be said by us,

TOM: You just said that.

> for only each one of us in our
>own understanding can know in Truth what their actions consist of that could
>be used as a fuel by the negative ones.

MIKE: This hierarchical morality stuff is getting a little confusing.

> These negatives can present very
>good arguments and can deceive the unwary in many ways.

CROW: ...and the wary in even more.

> Their goal is to
>conquer and win, without any concern how they do it.

MIKE: Damn Rooskies!

> They may use one form
>of attraction one time and anothee the next. Now, how,

TOM: Brown cow...

> you probably think,
>do we know about this. I can only say that many times, more than we have
>recorded or remembered, we have been interrupted in our attempts to contact
>the brothers by means of our device, and then encounter the beamed
>transmission of a negative craft.

TOM: You know, asking us to trash this post is like giving a starving man a
menu. It's so hard to decide where to begin.

> In many instances these beings have
>mocked our efforts and have belittled the Brothers and us.

CROW: Aww...are you gonna cry? Cry, baby!

> Other times they
>have lied and said they were the M-4 Section of Mars and they had a nessage
>for us from the Council,

MIKE: And you bought that? Geez!

> and that we were to say such-and such or else we
>were to stop speaking altogether. Patience is a good way to win with their
>persistence, for they cannot persist too long without gettin angry and
>revealing themsleves.

CROW: They're the space-flashers.

> Once we were interrupted by them and told flatly who
>they were and what they wanted us to do. They asked us to prepare a book
>for them and expose

ALL: NOOOOO!

> the whole untruth

ALL: Whew!

> connected with the story of the fallen
>angels. This book was to be belivered

CROW: [as Yosemite Sam] Come out, you lily-belivered varmint!

> by one of their very advanced minds,
>and to be created in manuscript form by us and offered for publication.

MIKE: But Del Rey rejected it.

>
>JW I wonder if this lady ever met any Space ladies?

TOM: Where the *hell* did that come from?
CROW: Oh, you know John_-_Winston, mister one-track-mind himself.

>
>Part 4.
>
>Source Of Information: UFO UNIVERSE, SUMMER 1994.

MIKE: I can't believe this guy's still claiming he got this out of a real
magazine.

>
>John Winston.

TOM: Let's clear out while we can, guys.
CROW: You betcha.

o...2...3...4...5...6

[sol - everyone is staggering in pain]

TOM: Oh *boy* did that hurt.
MIKE: I'll say, two in a row, that was really evil, even for the mads.

[deep 13 - Dr. F is in front of the camera, Frank is nowhere to be seen]

DR F: I know, isn't it fabulous! Oh, but you're not done quite yet, my
little space-bound friends. There's still the final section to get
through. I myself haven't read it, but Frank assures me that it's
worse than the first four combined.

[Frank runs across behind Dr F, carrying a piece of paper and screaming
insanely.]

DR F: You see? The end is in sight, my friends, but I'm afraid you won't
survive the trip! [he begins laughing maniacally]

[click]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all associated names and trademarks are the
sole property of Best Brains, Inc., copyright 1994. This is not an attempt
to infringe upon that ownership in any way, nor is it intended as a personal
attack on Mr. John Winston, although he makes himself *such* an easy target.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This MiST written by Eric "Darkwing" Simon
comments and suggestions should be sent to dark...@merle.acns.nwu.edu

>All evil will give way to the good, and all wrong has a right.

--
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"You'll have to forgive me. I have a memory like a...like a...what are those
things you drain rice in? What am I talking about?
-Douglas Adams, _Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency_