MSTed: Men In Black 3/4
M Sampo
[SOL]
(Crow, Mike and Tom are standing at the desk).
TOM: Well, this sure is a goofy post.
CROW & MIKE (together): Sure is. (The look at each other, startled).
MIKE (Chuckling): Heh. You owe me a coke.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: Oh, haven't you ever heard that expression, Crow? We said the same
thing at the same time, so you owe me a coke.
CROW: Why do I owe YOU a coke?
MIKE: You don't REALLY owe me a coke, it's just an expression.
CROW: No, I mean why do *I* owe YOU a coke? Why don't YOU owe ME a coke?
MIKE: Cause I said it first.
CROW: What?? You mean whoever says "You owe me a coke" first gets the
coke?
MIKE: Theoretically, yeah.
CROW: Well, what happens if we're both aware of this rule and we both same
something at the same time...and then we both say "You owe me a coke" at
the same time? What then?
MIKE: Well, grownups just laugh about it forget it.
CROW: Yeah, yeah, Nelson, now tell me the REAL answer!
MIKE (sighing): Weeeellll, when I was in college and two people would say
something at the same time, and then say "you owe me a coke" at the same
time, the two people would just keeping "you owe me a coke, you owe me a
coke, you owe me a coke" over and over until one of the two people ran out
of breath. Then the other person won.
CROW (becoming intrigued): I see, so this became something of a game?
MIKE: Yes, in fact, some people would actually to score on other people by
trying to guess what they were going to say and then--
CROW along with MIKE:...saying it.
CROW: You owe me a coke. HA!
MIKE (rolling his eyes): Yeah, sorta like that.
CROW: Wow, Mike. Did you and your friends play this game--
MIKE along with CROW: all the time?
MIKE: You owe me a coke. Yes, we did. In fact, I got pretty good at
suddenly switching the ends of my sentences so the others would never be
able to--
CROW (blurting) ...guess what I...
MIKE (at the same time): HAT RACK!
CROW: Oh. (The two are now staring intently at each other.)
TOM: Well, Mike, I have to say that sounds like an incredibly stupid game
that would virtually eliminate any and all real conversation among you and
your friends.
MIKE (still squinting at Crow): Yeah, it did.
TOM: I mean, between trying to anticpate what the person is going to say
next, and randomizing every word that comes out of--
MIKE & CROW along with TOM: your
mouth--you-owe-me-a-coke-you-owe-me-a-coke-you-owe-me-a-coke-you-owe-me-a-
coke-you-owe-me-a-coke-you-owe-me-a-coke...
(movie sign lights flash and alarm sounds)
MIKE & CROW (stop saying -you-owe-me-a-coke to yell) Ah! We have movie
sign!!! (they rush off)
TOM (still at it) -you-owe-me-a-coke!!! I win!! Whoa! (rushes off)
6....5.....4.....3.....2.....1....
(and they're taking their seats)
>Subject: Men In Black (2/2)
TOM: Great, more of this...
CROW: Well, you know, Tom, they haven't completely BEATEN THE SUBJECT TO
DEATH yet...
MIKE: Easy, Crow...
>From: an17...@anon.penet.fi
>Date: Wed, 1 Mar 1995 20:37:15 UTC>Message-ID:
>205857Z...@anon.penet.fi>
CROW: Yeah, yeah, we know!
> Mr. Brookesmith makes a few more observations based on the
>over-all phenomena of MIB encounters, and that such visits tend
>to vary slightly from case to case, but moreso in the conclusions
>drawn by other investigators:
> "...At one extreme we find contactee Woodrow Derenberger
>insisting that the 'two men dressed entirely in black' who tried
>to silence him were emissaries of the Mafia: at the other end,
TOM: We find a tasty pudding snack!
>theorist David Tansley suggests they are psychic entities,
>representatives of the dark forces, seeking to prevent the spread
of true knowledge.
MIKE: But, then, David's a wacko.
> More matter-of-factly Dominick Lucchesi (who
>by the way claimed to have had contacts with a human pilot of a
>instrument-laden UFO from an underground subtropolis called
>'Kabara Khoom', below South America),
CROW: Whiiiiich certainly bolters his credibility...
MIKE (chuckling): I think "Kabara Khoom" means "No girls allowed in our
fort."
> one of Albert Bender's
>friends, held that they emanated from some unknown civilization,
>possibly underground, in a remote area of Earth - the Amazon, the
>Gobi Desert or the Himalayas.
TOM: ...or Turtle Lake, Wisconsin...
> "But there is one feature that is common to virtually all
>MIB reports, that any theory must account for, and that perhaps
>contains the key to the problem. This is the possession, by the
>MIBs, of information that they should not have been able to come
>by - information that was restricted, not released to the press,
>known perhaps to a few investigators and officials but not to the
>public, and sometimes not even to them.
CROW: In other words...completely made up.
> One person who DOES
>possess that knowledge is
TOM: Jim Varney.
> the person visited. In other words,
(Mike and the bots sigh)
>the MIBs and their victim share knowledge that perhaps nobody
>else possesses
CROW: To put it another way...(Mike and Tom chuckle)
> (there are also possible indications that some
>UFO witnesses who have had later visits from 'Men In Black' may
>have been taken aboard the craft, only to have their memories of
>the events erased or suppressed through some form of technosis
MIKE (as frat guy): Like several gallons of grain alcohol...wooo!!
CROW and TOM: Woooo!
>- Branton). Add to this the fact that in almost every case the
>MIBs appear to the witness when he or she is alone - in Dr.
>Hopkins' case, for example, the visitor took care to call when
>the wife and children were away from home, and established this
>fact by telephone beforehand. The implication has to be that
>some kind of paranormal link connects the MIBs and the persons
>visited.
TOM: Yep, that's the only logical explana...wait a minute...
CROW: Wouldn't staking out the guy's house have worked, too?
> "To this must be added other features of the phenomena that
>are not easily reconciled with everyday reality. These notorious
>black cars, for instance: where are they, when they are not
>visiting witnesses?
MIKE: Taking alien kids to the prom, maybe...
> Where are they garaged, serviced? Do they
>never get involved in breakdowns or accidents? Can it be that
>they materialize from some other plane of existence when they are
>needed?"
CROW: Could ancient astronauts have tuned this carburetor?
> Another investigator, Ramona Clark, related the account in
>'THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MEN IN BLACK' of another investigator who
>was confronted by three MIBs on 3 July, 1969. "On the window of
>the car in which they were riding was the symbol connected with
>them and their visitations. This symbol had a profound
>psychological impact upon this man. I never encountered such
>absolute fear in a human being."
TOM: Some say the symbol was of a flying window...
> (Could this have been the 'eye
>in the triangle' symbol
MIKE (singing) Keep your eeyyyyyee in the triangle!
> which, according to John Keel, is a
>symbol sometimes used by the 'Men In Black'?)
> That first meeting with the MIB was followed by constant
>harassment. There were mysterious telephone calls; the man's
>house was searched.
CROW: Pizzas arrived that had not been ordered.
> He began to hear voices and see strange
>shapes. "Black Cadillacs roamed the street in front of his home,
TOM: Pink elephants danced the watusi on his patio...
>and followed him everywhere he went. Once he and his family were
>almost forced into an accident by an oncoming Cadillac.
MIKE: Sheesh! Who knew a General Motors product could be so menacing?
CROW: I did!
>Nightmares concerning MIBs plagued his sleep. It became
>impossible for him to rest, his work suffered and he was scared
>of losing his job."
TOM: And yet, his boss at TGI Friday's didn't notice any change...
> On one occasion a friend confirmed that, while they talked,
>there was a strange-looking man walking back and forth in front
>of the house. The man was tall, seemed about 55 years old - and
was dressed entirely in black.
MIKE: And he was singing "Night Train to Mundo Fine."
> In the early 1980's Australian 'contactee' Colin Boyd
>Cameron told of a strange encounter with the MIB just outside of
>Sydney. One afternoon he observed two aerial lights, one reddish
>and one bright white, flying in formation. The red light
>separated and landed in a remote wooded area near a golf course
>just outside of the city.
CROW (whispering): He's landed just short of the green...
> Cameron made his way towards the area
>and eventually noticed a large black automobile near the site.
TOM: Large automobiles near golf courses? Sounds suspicious...
>Apparently from his description a large 7 ft. tall 'dark' entity
>emerged from the reddish craft and joined two 'men in black' in
>the large automobile.
MIKE: So Shaquille O'Neal was meeting his agents for lunch. So what?
> The two men seemed human,
CROW: Oh, then they weren't agents...
TOM: Zing!
> but the creature
>that entered the car seemed to be physical yet strangely
>quasiphysical at the same time,
TOM (singing): Let's get quasi-phsyical....
> and Cameron could only sense
>darkness and evil emanating from the creature.
CROW: Maybe it was Quentin Tarantino...
> The 'men' noticed
>that they had been spotted, and pointed a rod-like object in
>Cameron's direction at which point a wave of absolute terror
>gripped him,
(TOM and CROW clear their throats nervously)
MIKE: And the shameful locker room memories come back to haunt him once
again.
> which he tried to fight off. He heard or sensed the
>two men saying something about the being in the back seat, who
>they referred to as "Samanah,"
CROW (singing): Caaan't help lovin' Samanah mine...(giggles)
TOM (to Mike): Kill him!
> and one of the men made a comment
>to the other that they should leave before he (Cameron) could get
>a close look at the creature, in which case they would be
>"finished" or something of the sort.
MIKE: Maybe he said they'd be Finnish!
TOM: Oh, THAT would make SENSE!
> They also said something
>like "Throw the book at him!", referring to Cameron, before they
>left.
CROW: THAT would worry me.
> The entities left in the car, yet Colin could still make out
>the brighter light hovering in the sky in the distance.
MIKE: And three wise men...?
> A sudden
>invisible beam or ray from this craft apparently fell on Cameron
>and the craft communicated to Cameron through the beam.
TOM (as operator): If you'd like to make a call...
>It "told" him they it was an "Ashtar Command" craft and that it
>would protect him from the other negative craft.
CROW: Maybe they meant "Ishtar Command."
TOM: God, I hope not...
> If this were
>truly the case then why was the "Ashtar" craft allowed to follow
the reddish object, which did nothing to prevent pursuit?
MIKE: Good question!
> Colin Cameron later learned that one of the highest-ranking
>members of an international Satanic cult lived in that very city,
TOM: Yes, but what does Florence Henderson have to do with anything?
>and he heard through the grapevine that the very night of his
>encounter, at midnight, a secret satanic mass was performed
>somewhere in the city, and that the date and time of the mass
>corresponded with the numbers "666".
CROW: But enough about Cameron's private life...
> Cameron's communication link with the so-called "Ashtar"
>craft continued and the entities on board the craft began feeding
>Mr. Cameron with all sorts of "cosmic" information, much of it
>very much directed towards his ego.
MIKE: Hey, buddy, nice suit!
TOM (woman's voice): Hi! You're cute!
CROW: You sure have a big--
MIKE (interrupting): CROW!
> Eventually Mr. Cameron was
>convinced that he was "King David the holy spirit" reincarnated,
>and that he was to be a future god-king overseeing the "crystal
>chandelier" movement which involved never-ending copulation
>between King Cameron and countless cosmic high-priestesses and
>out of this a race of gods would be born to rule the universe.
TOM: Oh, I'm not sure--(sputters)--COPULATION???
CROW: Sounds like a movie on the Playboy Channel...
MIKE: Yeah, but remember, you're copulating with every other king-god that
cosmic high-priestess has copulated with...
>This would certainly be a devastatingly seductive promise to any
>man's ego,
CROW: Except maybe Jm J Bullock...
> however the human ego when faced with such egocentric
>promises often accepts them regardless of whether they have any
>basis in fact or not.
MIKE (chuckles): Oh, yeah, like this guy wouldn't go for that high
priestess thing like a shot! (Crow and Tom laugh.)
> Promises which seduce the human ego have
>been extremely effective as weapons when utilized by the enemy of
>men's souls. For instance many Muslims are told that if they go
>out and kill an unbelieving infidel or two, or are 'martyred'
>while trying to do so - regardless of the innocence of the victim
>- they will spend eternity in some imaginary sex garden
>surrounded by a harem of beautiful women. Such fallen
>motivations sent many Japanese Kamikaze pilots to a useless death
>during World War II.
CROW: Am I crazy or have we lost the UFO thread completely?
> Unfortunately, many of the fallen rulers of
>this world know the power in seducing the ego of their followers
>through "religious" manipulation, in order to motivate them to
>carry out their desires such as conquering other nations and so
>on.
MIKE: ...But, I digress...
> In Colin Cameron's case it appears that such strategies are
>utilized by other-worldly despots as well, and from this fact we
>can deduce that the so-called "Ashtar" craft which uneventfully
>accompanied the red craft, was merely a "decoy". Maybe in a
>sense the Men In Black did succeed in "throwing the book" at him.
TOM: Yeah, "The Story of O"... Let's get outta here. (They rise and go)
1....2....3....4....5....6...<clunk>
[SOL]
(Tom is standing before a microphone, tropical music plays, as Tom speaks,
humorous "artists renderings" would be shown).
TOM: Looking for a different vacation destination this year? May we
suggest Kabara Khoom? Yes, our secret underground subtropolis is located
in thousands of square miles of caverns directly below South America--and
it's just the spot for the vacationer looking to get away from it
all...forever. If you survive your battle to the death with the herd of
giant mutated scorpions, the kids will have a blast on those shiny ammonia
and methane beaches, while mom and dad sip a soothing benzine colada by a
gently flowing river of magma. While your loved ones assume you've been
abducted to distant worlds, you'll be thrashing in the local tar pits or
making your own unique contribution to our famous book: "How to serve
mankind."
Yes, come back to Kabara Khoom. (Tom is joined by Crow and Mike, who are
wearing sunglasses and flowered shirts)
MIKE, TOM & CROW (together): Kabara Khoom--South America's downstairs
neighbor. (and into Spaghetti Ball bumper...)
[Commercial]
Sampo
=======================================================
I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has
given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom, culminating
in my current Zarathustrian sense of self. Is that it?
=======================================================