[MiSTied] Barney the Dinosaur's Final Exit
CO...@maine.maine.edu
part of the post. This was posted in alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die, a
group dedicated to the destruction of Barney the Dinosaur.]
Path: maine.maine.edu!cody
Organization: University of Maine System
Mike: Hey, a college kid wrote this.
Crow: Not a good sign.
Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 14:50:50 EDT
From: <CO...@MAINE.MAINE.EDU>
Message-ID: <95185.14...@MAINE.MAINE.EDU>
Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die
Subject: Barney's Final Exit
Lines: 55
Tom: Uh-oh, it's a long one.
It was 3:30 one spring afternoon, and Barney had just finished taping his show
for the day.
Crow: Aw... Isn't that sweet...
Mike: Sounds like something my four-year-old would say, if I had one.
As he waddled off the set, leaving dozens of hypnotized kids who
hadn't noticed yet that the show was over,
Tom: I think what he's criticizing here is the value of educational
programming.
an employee rushed up to him with a
prototype of a new Barney doll.
Crow: Ever notice how people in these sick stories always rush everywhere?
Barney OK'ed the employee's plans to start mass
producing them, and he made changes to the next episode's script, adding the
line that "If you don't buy the Barney Plush Doll #53, you're not my friend!!"
and went back to his dressing room.
Mike: Is that a run-on sentence? It's hard to tell.
Tom: I told you he's criticizing the value of educational programming.
Mike: I think that's what the anti-Barney movement is all about.
He was about to call his parents on the Planet of Darkness
Crow: [in ET voice] Phone home! Barney phone home!
when his best friend
in the whole wide world, Rush Limbaugh, called.
Crow: He's getting political here. And I was hoping he wouldn't drift off
the subject.
Rush was of the same species as
Barney, but had had extensive plastic surgery to be more appealing to adults.
Mike: I take it this guy is a Democrat.
Crow: They all are. All the Republicans like Barney.
Barney and Rush had similar plans, with Barney focusing on kids and Rush on
adults.
Crow: What does he mean by "similar plans"? Is Barney getting plastic
surgery too?
Mike: No, I think he means that their plans for world domination are similar.
After he was done in his dressing room, he was about to go to his favorite bar
to get drunk and maybe rape someone when
Tom: Does this guy feel that way about all Muppet-like creatures?
Crow: Yeah, wouldn't that include us?
suddenly, in the studio's parking lot,
a hoodlum with a mask over his face
Crow: All hoodlums have masks over their faces. It's required by law.
hissed "Hey You!!" Barney said "Me??" The
hoodlum said "Yeah, the big fat purple one. Come here." Barney said, "I'm glad
to meet you! Will you be my very best friend in the whole wide world?"
Mike: I'm going to be sick...
Barney
said this whenever he met someone new; although it was just a cover to make him
appear warm and friendly (those were the orders he recieved prior to arriving
on Earth), he was now doing it automatically. It scared him sometimes.
Crow: Scares me too.
The hoodlum approached him with a knife. Barney said "You shouldn't be running
with that knife, you could hurt yourse-" and he was stabbed in his big fat
stomach.
Mike: It's sad what happens when you don't follow those safety precautions.
The hoodlum grabbed Barney's wallet, pulled his knife out of Barney's
unusually-textured skin, and sped away in his car.
Crow: Did he speed away in his own car or Barney's?
Barney said "Now that wasn't
very nice!! I'll give you an ice cream sundae if you apologize!!"
Crow: This is really starting to approach the first-grade styleof writing.
Barney didn't
even know he had been stabbed; his enormous gut was so massive that you would
have to penetrate almost four inches of flesh before Barney felt anything.
However, the wound was causing him to bleed heavily, a fact he was unaware of.
Mike: Hey, it's finally getting good!!
He walked down the street, leaving a trail of reddish-purple blood behind him.
The blood had chunks of stuff floating in it, which made some other pedestrians
feel somewhat sick.
Crow: Makes me feel somewhat sick too.
Mike: I shouldn't have just eaten lunch.
Tom: I'm about to throw up and I don't even have a real mouth!
Finally Barney passed out from a lack of blood. One of his
legs landed in the street, where a car ran over it. It completely severed his
leg and dragged his foot down the road for about 5 miles, where the car went
into a car wash. When it came out Barney's foot was gone.
Mike: Believe it... or NOT!
A woman was walking her dog down the street and took great care to walk around
Barney's big fat body. Unfortunatley, her dog went crazy at the smell of the
blood and tore out Barney's still-beating heart. By the time she could control
her dog, the dog had devoured Barney's stomach and most of his liver.
Crow: Sad, after you consider how much she spent on dog food.
A person, who had gotten so high on drugs that he didn't even see the decaying
body of the Fat One, tripped over the huge head. His foot bashed in Barney's
head, leaving his brains oozing out.
Mike: A really cheerful story.
After a few hours, the decaying corpse started to emit such a powerful stench,
motorists were avoiding the street and all nearby buildings had been evacuated.
Mike: Reminds me of when I forget to shower.
Crow: Now Mike, you didn't have to say that.
A special division of the police force had to be called in to deal with the
crisis. A group of people wearing gas masks drew close to the body, and covered
it with strong acid. Within 24 hours his body had completely dissolved, and the
world was free of the Evil One forever.
Tom: You know, when I read stories like this it makes me want to go back
to the Gamera movies. I'm getting sick of these awful Usenet articles...
[ending deleted]
:-) Orfie