[MiSTied] UFO 1/3
Claye Hodge
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[Beginning Theme]
[@...2...3...4...5...6...{}...]
[SOL]
[Mike is behind the desk wearing an apron over his jumpsuit. A cooked turkey
is on the desk. Mike is fixing it..]
MIKE:[looks up] Oh, hi Cambot. Today, we're having a little special dinner.
We haven't had one in a long while.. [bastes the turkey] thought it
would be fun.
[Crow comes on screen, wearing a cook's suit, hat and a mustache. Holding a
spoon.]
CROW: How's the turkey coming?
MIKE: Fine, it'll be ready in a little bit.
CROW: Oh. Well, I'm almost done with tossing the salad.
MIKE:[looks up, then to Crow] You aren't REALLY throwing it, are you?
CROW: Well Duuuh! [Crow goes off screen.]
TOM:[comes on screen wearing a cook's hat.] I'm almost done with the pastry.
MIKE: Good. Good. [Tom goes off screen.]
TOM:[off screen] The pies need to be chilled a while.
MIKE: Oops! I need to cook the turkey a few minutes more. [Picks up the
plate. Starts to go to the left. Tom comes back on screen with a
couple pies in his hands. They both collide. Tom gets the pies in the
face, Mike almost loses the turkey.] OOPS! I'm sorry, Tom. You.. want
me to.. uh.. clean.. [Tom goes off screen.] Oops.
TOM:[off screen] Ohhhhh Miiiiike.
MIKE:[looks up towards the left.] Yeah? YIKES! [Mike ducks from a pie thrown
at him, Crow comes on screen with a bowl of salad. Crow gets creamed
with the pie.]
CROW: EAT LETTUCE, SERVO![Crow goes off screen and we see some salad thrown
towards the left. Followed by several rounds of food thrown to and
from each side. Mike is still ducking. Commercial Sign light flashes.]
MIKE:[still ducking] These two, what can ya do with them? [Taps commercial
sign light.]
[Commercials]
[SOL]
[Food everywhere. Mike is still ducking. No food being thrown.]
MIKE:[gets up.] Well, I guess they decided to quit. [Crow and Tom quickly
come from off screen and pelt Mike with pies. Mike falls down behind
the desk. Mad light flashes.]
CROW: Oh look. Duncan Hines is calling. Hey Tom, let's get cleaned up.
TOM: Okay.[Crow and Tom go off screen. A hand comes from behind the desk
to tap the mad light. Crow comes back on screen.]
CROW: Oh, hey Mike. The [amusingly] "tossed" salad is ready. Hahaha! [Crow
goes off screen.]
[D13]
Dr.F: Ohhh, how ORIGINAL. Didn't I see the same thing in _The Great Race_?
So, what do you have for me this week, Moe, Larry, and Curly?
[SOL]
[A view of the desk. No one is around.]
MIKE:[off screen] Hey Cambot. Down here! [Cambot pans down and right. Mike
is standing but his legs are VERY short. Handweights are on both sides.
A dumbbell is infront of him. Mike is wearing a sweatsuit, and is half
bald with some hair sticking over the top of his head, and he has a
mustache.] Hi sir, I would like to introduce.. [Mike picks up the hand
weights, raises them, and sits down. Puts down the hand weights.]
the hilarious continued series... [Lifts the dumbbell.] Dorf.. does
weight training.. uhhh.. ohh.. OOMMF![Mike sits down and falls back
with the dumbbell which rolls and stops over his neck.] Watch... as
Dorf.. tries his best.. at... weight training... ohhhh.. [Crow and Tom
come on screen.]
CROW: MIKE! What are you DOING???
MIKE: Call... To..day... [raises a videotape.]
TOM: [reading] Dorf Does Weight Training??? OH Brother!
MIKE: What... do you.. think, sir??? Guys, help.. ME!
[D13]
DR.F: Careful, Nelson. You might get sued by Tim Conway. Your
experiment is about as old as petrified wood. It's some dreck about
UFO's.. Enjoy! [Pushes the button.]
[SOL]
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! WE'VE GOT POOOOOOST SIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!
[{}...6...5...4...3...2...@...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike throws Servo.]
>
TOM: YEEOOOOOWWWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWW!!![Tom gets up.]I TOLD you NOT to do that!
MIKE: Are you OK?
TOM: Well, besides my head falling off, and my hoverskirt being busted, I
guess I'm fine.
>
>The United States Air Force and UFOlogy
TOM: And YOU!!!
>
> For years now, the debate between debunkers and skeptics as opposed
MIKE: To NON debunkers, and skeptics?
>to believers has raged on over whether the United States Government, or
more
>specifically the United States Air Force considers the subject of UFOlogy
to
>be serious business.
TOM:[gov. person] Oh, forget those guys in Iraq. We need to talk about these
UFO sightings.
> Also what must be considered is what elements or
>departments of the government would be concerned with this if UFO's proved
>to be a threat.
CROW: Well, that cancels Congress..
MIKE: I was wondering what kind of a name, Newt is.
>
> The United States Airforce has maintained for over thirty years
that
CROW: Ewww! That's disgusting!
TOM: What?
CROW: Having sex with aliens.
MIKE: Oh.. huh? Where did you get that thought?
CROW: Congress not being concerned with UFO's being a threat. Get it?
Congress? Aliens? Sex?
MIKE: Uh.. I don't know if I want to get that.
TOM: You don't.
>the largest percentage of reports are explainable, and most usally are.
TOM: Explain that typo, why don't ya!
>However, the Air Force also maintains that the rest could be explained if
>only enough information were present. Is this true, or is it a smoke
screen
MIKE:[singing] Smoke gets in your eyes...
>as many researchers maintain? And, what if anything does the Air Force
tell
>its own officer corps that may be presented with this enigma in the course
of
>their duty?
CROW:[Air Force General] Ahhh, just ignore those flying saucers and continue
your poopy suit training.
>
> The following document is taken verbatim from the United States Air
>Forces Academy textbook, " Introductory Space Science, Volume II,
Department
>of Physics, USAF. "
TOM:[student] Will this be on the test, Sir?
> This is the volume that was being used by the Air
Force
>Academy, at Colorado Springs, Colorado. The Air Force Academy has since
>pulled this volume from the curicullem in the very early 70's, because of
MIKE: Bad spelling errors.
>the contraversy it generated, but after reading this, I think you will find
CROW: That we have no clue of what you're talking about.
>that the United States Air Force has considered the subject of UFOlogy to
be
>very "serious business."
TOM: Of course, it's second-rate to air shows.
>
>Transcribed by: Don Ecker
ALL: Thank you Mr. Ecker.
>Public Relations Director
>ParaNet(sm) Information Service
>ParaNet Alpha
CROW: Beta.
MIKE: Gamma.
>1:102/422
>
>INTRODUCTORY SPACE SCIENCE - VOLUME II
TOM: How To Build Your Own UFO.
>DEPARTMENT OF PHYSICS - USAF
>Edited by: Major Donald G. Carpenter
>Co-Editor: Lt. Colonel Edward R. Therkelson
>
>CHAPTER XIII
>UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS
>
> What is an Unidentified Flying Object (UFO)?
CROW: Oh gee.. uh.. I don't know. An object that's flying and it's
unidentified???
> Well, according to
>United States Air Force Regulation 80-17 (dated 19 September 1966), a UFO
is
MIKE: Wow. This is an old post.
>"Any" aerial Phenomenon or object which is unknown or appears to be out of
>the ordinary to the observer."
CROW: Well, I was close.
> This is a very broad definition which
TOM: Wasn't really necessary.
>applies equally well to one individual seeing his first noctilucent cloud
at
>twilight as it does to another individual seeing his first helicopter.
MIKE: Only difference, these are real.
>However, at present most people consider the term UFO to mean an object
>which behaves in a strange or erratic manner while moving through the
Earth's
>atmosphere.
MIKE: UFO? Shoot, my Uncle did that sort of thing.. course, he was drunk.
> That strange phenomenon has evoked strong emotions and great
>curiosity among a large segment of our world's population.
CROW: Of institutions.
> The average
>person is interested because he loves a mystery, the professional military
>man is involved because of the possible threat to national security, and
TOM: So in other words, they would blast the aliens into dust particles?
CROW: Wish that would have happened to ET.
>some scientist are interested because of the basic curiosity that led them
>into becoming researchers.
MIKE: Which led them to turn mad, which of course led them to hatch evil
plots, like SENDING ME UP HERE TO WATCH CHEESY MOVIES AND READ CHEESY
POSTS!!!
TOM: There there, honey.
CROW: One scientist?
TOM: Yeah, Dr. Forrester.
CROW: Ohhhh..
>
> The literature on UFO's is so vast,
TOM: But not very grammar-wise.
> and the stories so many and
>varied, that we can only present a sketchy outline of the subject in this
>chapter.
CROW: Course, we don't even know how to make an outline, but that's beside
the point.
> That outline includes description classifications, operational
>domains (temporal and spatial), some theories as to the nature of the UFO
>phenomenon, human reactions,
ALL: AAAAAAAH!!!
> attempts to attack the problem scientifically,
>and some tentative conclusions. If you wish to read further in this area,
>the references provide an excellent starting point.
TOM: Hehehe.. we'll be the judge of that.
>
>33.1 DESCRIPTIONS
MIKE: 33 Descriptions?? I thought there were only three.
CROW: Yeah. Big, green, and icky.
>
> One of the greatest problems you encounter when attempting to
>catalog UFO sightings, is selection of a system for cataloging.
TOM: You call round shaped, and discus shaped system a problem?
> No
effective
>system has yet been devised, although a number of different systems have
been
>proposed. The net result is that almost all UFO data are either treated in
>the form of individual cases, or in the forms of inadequate callification
MIKE: Both are the same thing.
>systems. However, these systems do tend to have some common factors, and a
>collection of these factors is as follows:
>
>a. Size
>b. Shape (disc, ellipse, football, etc.)
>c. Luminosity
>d. Color
CROW: Look at the pretty colors! Huhuhuhuhuhuh..
>e. Number of UFO's
>
> Behavior:
MIKE: BAD UFO.. Bad UFO.
>
>a. Location (altitude, direction, etc.)
>b. Patterns of paths (straight line, climbing, zig-zagging, etc.)
TOM: Up and down.
MIKE: Left and right.
CROW:[singing] Ya do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around...
>c. Flight Characteristics (wobbling, fluttering, etc.)
MIKE: A drunk UFO?
>d. Periodicity of sightings
>e. Time duration
>f. Curiosity or inquisitiveness
>g. Avoidance
CROW: I wish I could have avoided this post.
>h. Hostility
>
> Associated Effects:
>
>a. Electro-Magnetic (compass, radio, ignition systems, etc.)
TOM: Oh, that's caused because you're under a stoplight.
>b. Radiation (burns, induced radioactivity, etc.)
>c. Ground disturbance (dust stirred up, leaves moved, standing wave peaks
of
>surface of water, etc.)
CROW: Servo does that when he does a stinker.
TOM: You think that's funny, eh? Well, how about THIS disturbance?
[Tom lies on his side, hoverskirt facing Mike, Crow. Tom revs up his
hoverskirt, Mike and Crow are almost blown towards the right.]
CROW: OK! OK! YOU MADE YOUR POINT! [Tom stops and sits up.]
>d. Sound (none, hissing, humming, roaring, thunderclaps, etc.)
ALL: Zzzz...
>e. Vibration (weak, strong, slow, fast)
MIKE:[singing] Good, good, good, good vibrations...
>f. Smell (ozone or other odor)
TOM: Or the putridness of this post.
>g. Flame (how much, where, when, color)
CROW: You want flames? We'll give ya flames!
>h. Smoke or cloud (amount, color, persistence)
>i. Debris (type, amount, color, persistence)
>j. Inhibition of voluntary movement by observers
>k. Sighting of "creatures" or "beings"
>
> After Effects:
TOM: A. Sleepy
MIKE: B. Bored to death
CROW: C. Wanting to kill the author.
>
>a. Burned areas or animals
>b. depressed or flattened areas
MIKE: Oh. I'm depressed, alright.
>c. Dead or "missing animals"
>d. Mentally disturbed people
CROW: Like the one who wrote this post.
>e. Missing items
>
>We make no attempt here to present available data in terms of the foregoing
>descriptors.
>
>33.2 OPERATIONAL DOMAINS - TEMPORAL AND SPATIAL
>
> What we will do here is to present evidence that UFO's are a global
>phenomenon which may have persisted for many thousands of years.
TOM: I wonder if this post will persist that long.
> During
>this discussion, please remember that the more ancient the reports the less
>sophisticated the observer. Not only were the ancient observers lacking
the
>terminilogy necessary to describe complex devices (such as present day
MIKE: They were also lacking the ability to make up their UFO stories well.
>helicopters) but they were also lacking the concepts necessary to
understand
>the true nature of such things as television, spaceships, rockets, nuclear
>weapons and radiation effects. To some, the most advanced technological
CROW: Was a Unix.
>concept was a war chariot with knife blades attached to the wheels. By the
>same token, the very lack of accurate terminolgy and descriptions leaves
the
>more ancient reports open to considerable misinterpretation, and it may
well
>be that present evaluations of individual reports are completely wrong.
TOM: I wouldn't doubt it.
>Nevertheless, let us start with an intriguing story in one of the oldest
>chronicles of India. . . . the Book of Dzyan.
MIKE: A fiction novel.
>
> The book is a group of "story-teller" legends which were finally
>gathered in manuscript form when man learned to write. One of the stories
>is of a small group of beings who supposedly came to Earth many thousands
of
>years ago in a metal craft which orbited the Earth several times before
CROW: They know the Lippert method, PADDING!
>landing. As told in the Book "These beings lived to themselves and were
>revered by the humans among whom they had settled. But eventually
>differences arose among them and they divided their numbers, several of the
>men and women and some children settled in another city, where they were
>promptly installed as rulers by the awe-stricken populace.
MIKE: The Republican Convention??
>
> "Separation did not bring peace to these people and finally their
CROW: Ha. Two editors and they STILL can't get it right.
>anger reached a point where the ruler of the original city took with him a
>small number of his warriors and they rose into the air in a huge shining
>metal vessel. While they were many leagues from the city of their enemies,
TOM: First they're in the air, and now they're under the sea?
>they launched a great shining lance that rode on a beam of light. It burst
>apart in the city of their enemies with a great ball of flame that shot up
CROW: City of Fire.
>to the heavens, almost to the stars. All those who were in the city were
>horribly burned and even those who were not in the city - but nearby - were
>burned also. Those who looked upon the lance and the ball of fire were
>blinded forever afterward.
MIKE: If they opened their eyes, that would help.
> Those who entered the city on foot became ill
>and died. Even the dust of the city was poisoned, as were the rivers that
>flowed through it.
CROW: How do rivers get sick?
> Men dared not go near it, and it gradually crumbled
into
>dust and was forgotten by men."
>
> "When the leader saw what he had done to his own people he retired
>to his palace and refused to see anyone. Then he gathered about him those
>warriors who remained, and their wives and children, and they entered their
>vessels and rose one by one into the sky and sailed away. Nor did they
>return."
>
> Could this foregoing legend really be an account of an
>extraterestrial colonization, complete with guided missle, nuclear warhead
TOM: Warheads? Missles? Where did he get THAT from???
MIKE: I don't know.. Let's go. [Mike and the bots get up and leave the
theater.]
[Commercials]
[SOL]
[A pan of the right half of the SOL. The window port is on screen, so is the
right half of the desk. Mike, Tom, and Crow are standing around.]
CROW: Mike, do you believe in UFO's?
MIKE: Well, my little gold buddy. That is a tough question. Which doesn't
have a true answer. There are a lot of opinions, but no one really
knows whether there are UFO's or not.
CROW: Do you think they are real?
MIKE: Hmm.. there are video recordings.. pictures.. possibly evidence of
UFO's. While on the other hand, there are hoaxes.. different versions
of eyewitnesses stories.. no opinions heard from the government.. You
know the government hides a lot from us, course they may not have
anything to hide when it comes to UFO's if there aren't such things.
Although, I do like the Star Trek side of UFO's and alien races like
the Klingons, Romulans, Cardassians, and others.. It would be great
to go out there in a space faring ship to explore it and maybe find
out whether there really are aliens and space ships. My opinion?
I really don't know. If there are aliens, good. If not, that's fine
with me.
CROW: So, you DO believe in aliens and UFO's??
MIKE: I'm saying that I..
TOM: OH, COME ON! You two really think there are UFO's?? What a couple of
lamers! Crow, what are we in??
CROW: Uh.. well.. uh, we are in a Satellite.
TOM: Mike, what is this Satellite orbiting in?
MIKE: Space.
TOM: Correct. We are in a Satellite, or SHIP if you wish.. and this SHIP is
in space.. Look out that port. Do you SEE any UFO's or Aliens?? [Mike
and Crow look out the port.]
CROW: Well, I do see the trash we ejected out of the loading bay.
MIKE: What?! You unloaded that trash into space? Croooow!!!
TOM: Guys, that's beside the point. Do you see any UFO's?
MIKE & CROW: No.
TOM: Ok. There are no such things as UFO's, if there are we would have seen
them.
CROW: Oh, like an alien would come out in the open just so YOU could see it?
You're not that special, Servo.
TOM: Watch it, you pin beaked, bird-brain!
CROW: Why I oughta.. [Crow and Tom start to get in a fight, but Mike stops
them.]
MIKE: Cool it, you two. Servo, if there aren't any UFO's then how do you
explain the circles in cornfields, and cattle mutilations?
TOM: Simple. Lawnmowers and wolves or other wild beasts.
MIKE: Oh, come on. The cornstalks AREN'T cut. They are burned, and how could
a lawnmower cut cornstalks? What kind of wolf or animal have round
mouths that make a gash in the animal and leave burnt marks around the
wound? Giant leeches? Unless you are Ray Kellogg, there are no such
things as giant leeches. [Mike and the bots still arguing, a silver
disc-like object with white blotches on it hovers outside the port
window.]
TOM: You can't make me believe in UFO's.
MIKE: Aww, there is proof.
TOM: That proof is faked with lawnmowers and things.
CROW: Servo, you wouldn't know a lawnmower[Crow looks towards the port.]
if... Hey, guys! Look at the window!
TOM:[Not looking.] Oh sure, Crow. Nice try but I don't think so.
MIKE:[looking] WOW! Tom, you oughta look!
CROW: Have you ever seen such a thing??
TOM: Not you too, Nelson?
CROW: Why don't you turn around and see for yourself.
MIKE: Come on look at it, Tom!
TOM: OK. I turn around to look and nothing will be there, and I will be the
brunt of your jokes. As you wish, I'll turn around and look. [sigh]
[Tom turns around to look.] See there, I told ya.. ya... oh..
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!
CROW: See?
MIKE: Now do you believe us?
TOM: Well.. uh.. I'm.. I'm at a loss for words here. I see SOMETHING outside
and it IS shaped like reported UFO sightings. I guess I do.
CROW: It's so majestic.
MIKE: It's so small looking, but I guess that's because it's far from us.
TOM: I wonder how far. [Gypsy walks in.]
GYPSY: Guys, have you seen.. [Looks at the window.] So THAT'S where my cake
pan is. Ok, WHO ejected it into space??
MIKE,TOM,CROW: Cake Pan???
GYPSY: I said you could use it for your little dinner but I never said you
could eject it. [Post Sign light flashes. Gypsy walks off.]
TOM: Told ya there's no such thing as UFO's.
MIKE: Doh. Tom... POOOOOOST SIIIIIIIGN!!!
ALL: POOOOOOOOOOOOOST SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!
------------------------
Claye Hodge
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----CROW: Hey look! There's the Constellation Feces!----
-------------Right below Taurus, the Bull---------------
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((o o) - CROW T. ROBOT TOM SERVO - l_ l
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