MSTed: Doctress Neutopia
Douglas Lathrop
suggestions, as well as comments on the MSTing, are most welcome (but please
be gentle - it's my first time). This first post from the good Doctress is
intended as a "short" accompanying the MSTing of one of the Doctress' longer,
even more incomprehensible posts. Enjoy.
(Warning: Contains mild references to parts of the human anatomy. Parental
discretion advised.)
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[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]
>From: neut...@titan.ucs.umass.edu (Doctress Neutopia)
TOM: "Neutopia is not healthy for children and other living things."
CROW: So, when's the massgasm start?
MIKE: What if they gave a massgasm and nobody came?
CROW and TOM: (to Mike) Oh, booooooooo!
>Date: 11 Aug 1994 14:24:28 GMT
>Message-ID: <32dcas$b...@nic.umass.edu>
> THE ETERNAL ONES OF THE DREAM
> It was the most remarkable
> dream I had ever dreamt!
MIKE: Remarkable!
TOM: Stupendous!
MIKE: Breasticaboobular!
CROW: FAAABULOUS!
> First, I was in a public library.
> One of the librarians was my friend.
MIKE: Let's call her "Fifi."
> All around the hallways there were empty glassed in
> bulletin boards,
> places were artworks could be shown.
CROW: And people could be used.
TOM: I dunno, guys - I'm getting some weird "Dear Penthouse" vibes from
this post.
> So the librarian asked me if I would like
> to have a show there if she could arrange it.
TOM: "Could you dance naked in front of the BofA again?"
> But she didn't think there was any money left
> for public art shows at the library anymore.
MIKE: But that's okay - the Doctress'll work for food.
TOM: "Support starving artists."
CROW: Yeah - starved for attention.
> Next, I was sitting on a double bed with two men.
CROW: Um - wouldn't that make it a *triple* bed?
MIKE: Lighten up, Crow - she's not a math major.
TOM: What is her major, anyway?
MIKE: Net.kook Studies.
> One was Charles and he was acting like he owned
> me,
TOM: Cool! Charles in Charge is on!
CROW: Isn't Scott Baio the next Gaia Messiah?
TOM: No, that's Wil Wheaton.
> demanding than I parade around
> for him like the other women were doing.
MIKE: On all fours.
> There was a show of different kinds of black
> lingerie made with the finest silk and lace
CROW: Hand-spun by elves in a hollow tree.
> modeled by voluptuous young women.
MIKE: . . . with wind-up keys in their backs.
> I sort of wanted to join into the parade
> and put on the fancy underwear
TOM: Except I wanted to put it on my head.
> to seduce
> the men like the models were doing.
CROW: Well, not *exactly* like them - her way involves a lot of bourbon.
> But was this really what all men thought was sexy?
TOM: Well, Mike, was it?
MIKE: (breathing heavily) I gotta say, this post is making ME miss
Earth, that's for sure.
> The other man in the bed had a white powder
> face and a brownish-red ponytail.
TOM: Oh my God, it's Gallagher!
> He was
> dressed in American revolutionary long underwear.
MIKE: . . . with a support panel in front, for HIS comfort.
> He seemed to understand that I didn't want to play
> that sexual game,
CROW: He suggested we oil up and play Twister instead.
> and that my husband was treating
> me like a high-class whore who was married to him.
TOM: You know, this is like a Mentos ad gone horribly wrong.
MIKE: Oh, so it's like a Mentos ad?
TOM: Yeah.
> I was highly attracted to this man as I curled
> up on the floor hoping he would join me there.
> Then I realized the man was Thomas Jefferson.
CROW: Whew! I thought she was gonna say "John Hancock."
MIKE: Crow!
TOM: (singing) "One night in Hancock makes the Doctress humble . . . "
> He came to tell me he was in love with my ideas,
> and the integrity I stood for in my dreams.
> He said we were working for the same things.
CROW: Except that he was - well - dead.
> It was erotic spirituality,
> the founders of a planetary civilization.
TOM: "A shining planet - called Earth."
> He understood the importance of Neutopia.
> He was delighted that modern woman had progressed to the
> intellectual point of being a major historical character,
MIKE: Or a *hysterical* one, anyway - yuk yuk yuk . . .
CROW: Goddess'll get you for that, Mike.
> an authoress of a new philosophical state of thought.
MIKE: "Everything I Needed to Know I Learned at UMass."
> He said in his lifetime that would have never
> occurred, and the liberation of women's
> minds was the key to the new world.
TOM: And guess who's the Keymaster? Heh heh heh.
> Then he lay on top of me.
MIKE: Well, THIS'll doodle your Yankee.
CROW: I don't like where this is going.
> His body was firm,
> muscular with a medium amount of flesh.
TOM: Which peeled easily away from the bone.
> We were around the same age.
TOM: 250 years old? Sheesh, Doctress, I know you've been in school a long
time, but still -
> The powder was now no longer on his face.
MIKE: (falsetto) It was on my face.
> I rubbed the outlines of his firm penis
> and scrotum sags with my hands.
CROW: AAAAARGH!!
TOM: Mike, make her stop! Make her stop!
MIKE: 'Scuse me, I have to go steam-clean my whole body now.
> And then we kissed as an American Revolutionary
> song about Venus was playing in my head.
MIKE: Which one?
CROW: "I'm Your Venus."
TOM: No, no - "Afternoon Delight."
MIKE: That's not about Venus.
TOM: It sure puts ME in the mood for love.
> I had a mental orgasm as my head was filled with light!
MIKE and TOM: Love, LOVE, LOOOOOOOOOOVE!
CROW: (pompous announcer's voice) Remember, millions of children are
injured by fireworks each year . . .
> His tongue was strong as it penetrated into my mouth.
> Our great bodies of the water met across time and space!
> Then I opened my eyes waiting for his eyes to meet mine.
> But when he opened his eyes, I woke up.
MIKE: Then - I went downtown - to look for - a job.
TOM: Then I hung out in front of the drugstore.
> Or was this life a dream I thought
> as the tears from the miraculous orgasm
> I had just experience made me weep for joy.
MIKE: You know, she shouldn't be having mental orgasms without wearing a
condom on her head.
CROW: Yeah - and they say, if you read one of the Doctress' posts, your
brain comes into contact with everyone else who's read her.
TOM: Meaning everyone on the net, then.
> The moment of erotic ecstasy with one of
> the most influential men who had moved the
> planet Earth was a gift from the Gods!
MIKE: "Were Doctress Neutopia's rants actually written by ancient
astronauts? Read the book."
> Did this mean I was attractive to great male minds?
TOM: No, but you have a great personality.
> Did my intellectual potency equal theirs throughout time?
MIKE: Relax, Doctress - it happens to everyone sometimes.
CROW: Intellectual potency is all in your head.
> It seemed so real.
> Could a dead man of more than two hundred years
> make love to a living lady in her dreams?
TOM: Yeah, but keep the lights turned off.
MIKE: And the windows open.
> Can love transcend death and time?
MIKE: Or taxes?
> Then my tears turned to sadness
> as I thought
> of the result of Jefferson's American dream.
MIKE: To start with, I'd just changed these sheets last night.
> If I had lived in his times and been
> his lover would than have change the
> outcome of the colonization of Eden?
TOM: (singing) And now to Edennnnn . . .
MIKE AND CROW: NOOOOOOOOOOO brotherrrrrr
> Would that have stopped the desecration
> of the Indians and the division of the
> land into small nuclear family houses?
TOM: All made of ticky tacky?
> I reflected on Monticello and his bankruptcy.
MIKE: Yup - a nickel just don't go as far as it used to.
> The American dream had turned sour for
> Jefferson even before his death.
CROW: Maybe next time he won't leave it sitting on the radiator
overnight.
> He knew his vision was not powerful enough
> to stop the depravity of global capitalism.
TOM: He'd need bifocals to do that.
> The deliver had to be the Gaia Messiah,
ALL: WIL WHEATON! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!
> the mover of both heaven and earth.
> A new religious story to save the world
> so that the heavens could be colonized
> by the power of the eternal word.
MIKE: I know I'm never gonna feel the same way about the Fourth of July
again.
CROW: (sings) Yankee Doodle went to UMass, just to ride the Doctress . . .
TOM: Tomorrow on Oprah - "Dead White Males and the Women Who Love Them."
MIKE: Yeah, whatever - let's go.
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D O U G L A S P. L A T H R O P
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