[MiSTied] REPOST: *The* answer
Todd Gilbert
For those who missed the first part of this MiSTing, I
am using a new robot. His name is JAX. His description
and personality are described in part 1 of this misting:
"cia_psi".
[Deep 13 The mads are sitting around when a call comes
in from the SOL. Dr. F turn on the screen to see an
extreme close up of Toms butt. The mads stare in wonder]
[SOL]
MIKE: Hey guys. Nice robot you cooked up there. Didn't
say a single word through the whole post. Resensitize
us, will you. Hey guys, get away from Cambot.
[D13]
Dr. F: Hmmm, Frank! Let's see the readouts. [Frank brings
a batch of computer printouts over] Oh here's the
problem
FRANK: The tolerances are too low. He's only praising things
really worthy of it.
Dr. F: [looking into camera] We can fix that. Jax, get near the
umbilicus.
[SOL, JAX squats on the umbilicus]
Dr. F: [VO] Now, I need a guage. Frank, stand here where Jax can
see you. Now, make a few adjustments..... [Jax begins to
wiggle] I think that....
JAX: Why Frank. I never realized how handsome you were. And
to think of all those nights I sat lonely on doctor forresters
lab bench.
[D13]
Dr. F: There you go. That'll teach you brats to moon me. Ready for
your next installment? No? Good.
[SOL, more moviesign]
JAX: What a lovely photographic effect.
[SOL theatre. the four enter. Mike sets Tom down]
Path: bdmcom!uunet!news.sprintlink.net!noc.thegroup.net!usenet
From: bri...@access.thegroup.net (Brian Brooking)
Newsgroups: alt.paranet.science
Subject: REPOST: *The* answer
MIKE: apparently it didn't change the world the first time.
Date: 11 Jan 1995 20:50:58 GMT
Organization: Data Transfer Group
CROW: Back off, man. I'm a data-transferer.
Lines: 78
Message-ID: <3f1gbi$m...@noc.thegroup.net>
NNTP-Posting-Host: 199.2.50.99
X-Newsreader: AIR News 3.X (SPRY, Inc.)
TOM: Looks like spurious news to me.
In article <3f1gbi$m...@noc.thegroup.net>, bri...@access.thegroup.net
(Brian Brooking) wrote:
> -------------- Begin Included Message ------------------
>
> From: ca...@alaska.net (Carol)
> Newsgroups: sci.astro
> Subject: CRACKPOTS CRACKPOTS CRACKPOTS CRACKPOTS CRACKPOTS
MIKE: nuf said.
CROW: Wait a minute. Are we roasting Brian or Carol at this point?
MIKE: Looks like Carol.
TOM: And Brian reposted it, so he agrees with all this?
MIKE: So it would seem.
JAX: Not necessarily. He moved it from sci.astro to
alt.paranet.science.
>
> I have seen so many other tiny minds attempt to explain away the
> cosmos
CROW: Now it's my tiny minds turn.
> by some by invoking crasy QM theories
TOM: Well, she was smart enough to not try to spell Quantum Mechanics.
>, others goofy GR,
> and others talk of moving Venus,
MIKE: Last time we tried that her arms fell off.
> and still others claim that
> time has inertia. I have taken it upon myself to clear this up
> for everyone.
CROW: Get away from my windshield, ya bum!
> I have worked out the new physics.
>
> 1) Gravity has inertia.
TOM: So does this post.
> Acceleration is interchangable with
> time. The entire universe is accelerating at 32 furlongs per
> fortenight.
MIKE: Is she gonna show us the math?
CROW: Maybe math isn't her forte.
JAX: Crow, you shouldn't condemn someone for a simple spelling error.
> This acceleration is perfectly canceled by the
> continual slowing of time. The faster the universe moves, the
> slower we notice it.
CROW: [turning head left to right slowly like watching a tennis lob]
whattt waaaassss ttttttthhhhhhhaaaaaaatttttttt?
> Gravity is being consumed to make this
> happen.
TOM: [lip smacking sounds] Wow, gravity needs salt.
> That is why stars tend to expand over time into
> red giants, their gravity is slowly being lost to slow time
> down.
MIKE: Ah, I thought it was all the beer they drank.
>
> This is summed up by my Earth shatteringly important formula:
> A - T = 0,
> where A is acceleration, taken as 1.
> T is time, taken as 1.
CROW: I think she may be using a different definition for "1".
>
> 2) The solar system is seriously out of optimal configuration.
MIKE: So we will no longer use the term "Heavenly Bodies".
JAX: Well I've never been happy with the Pluto-Neptune situation.
> The planet Mars, must be moved to where Earth now is to make it
> a reborn Earth.
TOM: At which point it will become very militant.
MIKE: What do you expect from Mars?
> Earth must be turned over 180 degrees
CROW: I knew those gravity boots would come in handy.
> and placed
> where Venus is to make it a reborn Venus. Of course, Venus
> will be discarded afterwards, probably by dropping it in the
> Sun.
MIKE: [makes basketball shot] TWO!
> This will eliminate the problems Earth now has with all
> odor related illnesses, such as bad breath, foot stink etc.
TOM: Oh well, of cou...huh?
>
> 3) Black holes (if they exist)
CROW: I thought you had the answers!
JAX: No, it was "*The* answer". Black holes just weren't the
question. Jeeeeesh.
CROW: Ouch! I've been flamed by suck-up boy.
> are nothing but one way mirrors
MIKE: Ah, the universe is really the Bate's Motel.
> which allow light from our universe to shine out into another
> universe.
TOM: Someone needs to grok the meaning of "uni"
> On the other side, stars (if they exist) are
> nothing but light shining out of tiny little holes in the sky.
CROW: Like the walls in Hellraiser!
TOM: [as Pinhead] We'll tear your soul-ar system apart.
> By dropping Venus into the Sun we will be able to study this
> situtation right here from Earth (now in Venus' old orbit).
CROW: Wow, the effect seems to be a blast big enough to reach our
orbi...AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
> The extra mass of Venus (taken as gravity) will be enough
> to turn the Sun into a large one way mirror shining into
> another universe.
MIKE: Then why bother to study it if you already know!?
>
> No one can find even one physical situation where my carefully
> worked out formulas can't explain the universe.
TOM: Because one is an odd number.
JAX: Tom, you're being obtuse. Can you show a flaw in her logic?
TOM: Hey! I've _been_ a planetarium.
> My work will
> replace Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Alexander Abian, and
> Data from ST:NG.
MIKE: Their work will remain, of course. But they'll be gone.
>
> Any attempts to do anything but blindly accept these theories
> will cause me to repost this, again, and again, and again,
> and again.
ALL but JAX: [covering eyes] Yep. Good theories. I accept them.
>
> I will treat you all like a child who must be drilled, I will
> repeat this without variation again, and again, and again.
MIKE: Maybe Carol became Brian.
CROW: Where would that fit in her theory.
TOM: Throwing away Venus, I guess.
> I invite serious discussion, as long as in the end you accept
> my theory and hold me up as a peer to (or beyond) Isaac Newton,
> Albert Einstein, Alexander Abian, and Data from ST:NG
CROW: Who, as I've pointed out, don't exist any more.
OTHERS: [chanting] join them. join them. join them.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> TIME-SPACE HAS SMELL. EQUIVALENCE OF TIME-SPACE AND STINK 1/T+1/log M
=1(CAROL)
MIKE: Again with the stink!
TOM: Should I parse that equation left to right or right to left?
CROW: If you're only gonna end up with Carol, who cares.
> ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP EPIDEMICS OF FOOT SMELL, BAD BREATH,
> PASSING GAS, ETC.
> EARTH MUST BE GIVEN A NEAR VENUS-LIKE ORBIT TO BECOME A BORN AGAIN VENUS
MIKE: I think Carol may have watched Space 1999 too much as a child.
> --
>
> ------------------- End Included Message --------------
ALL but JAX: YAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!
>
JAX: Oh, I get it. It was a joke. And Brian was just reposting
it to a group that might appreciate it. That's okay then.
TOM: No it isn't [he spins and one of his slinky-arms extends
and slaps Jax in the face.
JAX: For being of limited utility, you are quite good with
your hands.
>
>
------------
|
> Brian Brooking
> bri...@access.thegroup.net
> Vista, California, USA
>
> "No matter where I go... there I am"
CROW: And everyone else runs like hell.
> -------------
---------------------
Continued in "[MiSTied] Even Howling Wolves... Pause To Listen"