[MiSTied] UFO 2/3
Claye Hodge
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Mike puts Tom down.]
>and radiation effects? It is difficult to assess the validity of that
TOM: I told ya so!
CROW: SHUT UP! Just SHUT UP, SERVO!
>explanation...just as it is difficult to explain why Greek, Roman and Nordic
>Mythology all discuss wars and contacts among their "Gods." (Even the Bible
MIKE: Maybe because they LIKE to?
>records conflict between the legions of God and Satan.) Could it be that
>each group recorded their parochial view of what was actually a global
>conflict among alien colonists or visitors?
TOM: Could it be that we could care less about this?
> Or is it that man has led such
>a violent existence that he tends to expect conflict and violence among even
>his gods?
CROW: What do you expect when you put a bunch of liberals and conservatives
in the same room?
>
> Evidence of perhaps an even earlier possible contact was uncovered
>by Tschi Pen Lao of the University of Peking. He discovered astonishing
>carvings in granite on a mountain in Hunan Province and on an island in Lake
MIKE: I don't think "Chris wuz here. 8/89" is substantial evidence of UFO's.
>Tungting. These carvings have been evaluated as 47,000 years old, and they
>show people with large trunks (breathing apparatus?...or "elephant" heads
>shown on human bodies? Remember, the Egyptians often represented their gods
>as animal heads on human bodies.)
TOM: Don't forget the works of Van Gogh.
>
> Only 8,000 years ago, rocks were sculpted in the Tassili plateau of
>Sahara, depicting what appeared to be human beings but with strange round
>heads (helmets? or "sun" heads on human bodies?)
CROW:[singing] Who's that guy with the round head, round head...
> And even more recently, in
>the Bible, Genesis (6:4) tells of angels from the sky mating with women of
>Earth, who bore them children. Genesis 19:3 tells of Lot meeting two angels
>in desert and his later feeding them at his house.
MIKE: So.. I guess that means they're angels, not UFO's or aliens.
> The Bible also tells a
>rather unusual story of Ezekiel who witnessed what has been interpreted by
>some to have been a spacecraft or aircraft landing near the Chebar River in
>Chaldea (593 B.C.).
CROW: How come you didn't note where you could find the story?
>
> Even the Irish have recorded strange visitations.
TOM: You'd see just about ANYTHING, when you're drunk.
> In the Speculum
>Regali in Konungs Skuggsa (and other accounts of the era about 956 A.D.) are
>numerous stories of "demonships" in the skies. In one case a rope from one
>such ship became entangled with part of a church.
MIKE: Oh geez, it's just a kite that got stuck.
> A man from the ship
>climbed down the rope to free it, but was seized by the townspeople.
CROW: I am not an animal!
> The
>Bishop made the people release the man, who climbed back to the ship, where
>the crew cut the rope and the ship rose and sailed out of sight. In all of
>his actions, the climbing man appeared as if he were swimming in water.
TOM: By this time, his lungs were aching for air!
CROW: HEY! That's MY line!
>Stories such as this makes one wonder if the legends of the "little people"
>of Ireland were based upon imagination alone.
MIKE: I'd say it was based upon imagination, beer, and a bad experience with
a circus midget.
>
> About the same time, in Lyons (France) three men and a women
>supposedly descended from an airship or spaceship and were captured by a
TOM:[announcer] Ted Danson and Tom Selleck star in Three Men and a Women,
part XXXIV.
>mob. These foreigners admitted to being wizards, and were killed (No
>mention is made of the methods employed to extract the admissions.) Many
CROW: Like hanging them from their fingernails?
>documented UFO sightings occurred throughout the Middle Ages, including an
>especially startling one of a UFO over London on 16 December 1742. However,
MIKE: December 16, 1742.. A day that will live in infamy!
>we do not have room to include any more of the Middle Ages sightings.
TOM: Thank heavens!
>Instead, two "more-recent" sightings are contained in this section to bring
>us up to modern times.
>
TOM: DOH!
> In a sworn statement dated 21 April 1897, a prosperous and prominent
>farmer named Alexander Hamilton
MIKE: Had a farm.
BOTS: [effortlessly] Eeiieeiioo.. PTHHTTHTHTHHTHTHTHHH!!!
> (Le Roy, Kansas, U.S.A.) told of an attack
>upon his cattle at about 10:30 PM the previous Monday. He, his son, and his
>tenant grabbed axes and ran some 700 feet from the house to the cow lot
TOM: Very athletic.
CROW: Not really.
>where a great cigar-shaped ship about 300 feet long floated some 30 feet
>above his cattle. It had a carriage underneath which was brightly lighted
>within (dirigible and gondola?) and which had numerous windows. Inside were
>six strange looking beings jabbering in a foreign language. These beings
MIKE: German?
CROW: Spanish?
TOM: Portuguese?
CROW: Pig Latin?
>suddenly became aware of Hamilton and the others. They immediately turned a
>searchlight on the farmer,
BOTS: The NBC Mystery Movie!
MIKE: You guys really like that joke, don't ya?
> and also turned on some power which sped up a
>turbine wheel (about 30 ft diameter) located under the craft. The ship rose,
TOM: To only see this ship for a few seconds, they were very descriptive.
>taking with it a two-year old heifer which was roped about the neck by a
>cable of one-half inch thick, red material.
CROW: A bungee jumping accident, gone horribly wrong!
MIKE: Talk about cow tipping.
> The next day a neighbor, Link
>Thomas, found the animal's hide, legs and head in his field. He was
>mystified at how the remains got to where they were because of the lack of
>tracks in the soft soil. Alexander Hamilton's sworn statement was
>accompanied by an affidavit as to his veracity. The affidavit was signed by
>ten of the local leading citizens.
TOM: They later, had a barbecue.
MIKE: That's very gross.
>
> On the evening of 4 November 1957 at Fort Itaipu, Brazil, two
>sentries noted a "new star" in the sky. The "star" grew in size and within
CROW: Isn't Bethlehem towards that way?
>seconds stopped over the fort. It drifted slowly downward, was as large as
>a big aircraft, and was surrounded by a strong orange glow. A distinct
>humming sound was heard, and then the heat struck. A Sentry collapsed almost
CROW:[singing] The heat is on.. The heat is on...
>immediately, the other managed to slide to shelter under the heavy cannons
>where his loud cries awoke the garrison.
MIKE: SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
> While the troops were scrambling
>towards their battle stations, complete electrical failure occurred. There
>was panic until the lights came back on but a number of men still managed to
>see an orange glow leaving the area at high speed. Both sentries were found
>badly burned...one unconscious and the other incoherent, suffering from deep
>shock.
TOM: Are you sure it was the star or this post that made them incoherent and
suffer deep shock?
>
> Thus, UFO sightings not only appear to extend back to 47,000 years
>through time but also are global in nature. One has the feeling that this
>phenomenon deserves some sort of valid scientific investigation, even if it
>is a low level effort.
CROW: Another has the feeling that this is just a pile of poopie, and only
a pile of poopie.
>
>33.3 SOME THEORIES AS TO THE NATURE OF THE UFO PHENOMENON
>
> There are very few cohesive theories as to the nature of UFO's.
>Those theories that have been advanced can be collected in five groups:
MIKE: Dumb.
TOM: Stupid.
CROW: Crazy.
MIKE: Irrelevant.
CROW: Just plain idiotic.
>
>a. Mysticism
>b. Hoaxes, and rantings due to unstable personalities
TOM: That's where most, if not all of the sightings fall under.
>c. Secret Weapons
>d. Natural Phenomena
>e. Alien visitors
MIKE: Alf.
CROW: Mork.
TOM: The Alien from LA.
>
>Mysticism
>
> It is believed by some cults that the mission of UFO's and their
>crews is a spiritual one, and that all materialistic efforts to determine
>the UFO's nature are doomed to failure.
>
>Hoaxes and Rantings due to Unstable Personalities
CROW: Like the poster.
>
> Some have suggested that all UFO reports were the results of pranks
>and hoaxes, or were made by people with unstable personalities. This
>attitude was particularly prevalent during the time period when the Air
>Force investigation was being operated under the code name of Project Grudge.
>A few airlines even went as far as to ground every pilot who reported seeing
>a "flying saucer." The only way for the pilot to regain flight status was to
>undergo a psychiatric examination. There was a noticeable decline in pilot
>reports during this time interval,
TOM: Who would want someone to think they're nuts?
MIKE: I'm guessing the author of this post.
> and a few interpreted this decline to
>prove that UFO's were either hoaxes or the result of unstable personalities.
>It is of interest that NICAP (The National Investigations Committee on
>Aerial Phenomena) even today still receives reports from commercial pilots
>who neglect to notify either the Air Force or their own airline.
TOM: Good choice.
>
> There are a number of cases which indicate that not all reports fall
>in the hoax category. We will examine one such case now. It is the Socorro,
>New Mexico sighting made by police Sergeant Lonnie Zamora. Sergeant Zamora
MIKE: Hey, wasn't he on The Real World?
TOM: You watch that show???
>was patrolling the streets of Socorro on 24 April 1964 when he saw a shiny
>object drift down into an area of gullies on the edge of town. He also
>heard a loud roaring noise which sounded as if an old dynamite shed located
TOM: Blown tire. Hope he has a spare.
>out that way had exploded. He immediately radioed police headquarters, and
>drove out toward the shed. Zamora was forced to stop about 150 yards away
>from a deep gully in which there appeared to be an overturned car. He
>radioed that he was investigating a possible wreck, and then worked his car
>up onto the mesa and over toward the edge of the gully. He parked short,
>and when he walked the final few feet to the edge, he was amazed to see that
CROW: He plunged to his death.
>it was not a car but instead was a weird eggshaped object about fifteen feet
>long, white in color and resting on short, metal legs. Beside it, unaware
MIKE: I am Mork, from Ork. Nannu Nannu
>of his presence were two humanoids dressed in silvery coveralls. They
TOM: Good thing it's night time. They'd fry to death in those suits.
>seemed to be working on a portion of the underside of the object. Zamora
>was still standing there, surprised, when they suddenly noticed him and dove
>out of sight around the object.
MIKE: Shy little creatures.
> Zamora also headed the other way, back
>toward his car. He glanced back at the object just as a bright blue flame
>shot down from the underside. Within seconds the eggshaped thing rose out of
>the gully with "an earsplitting roar." The object was out of sight over the
CROW: Roar.
>nearby mountains almost immediately, and Sergeant Zamora was moving the
>opposite direction almost as fast when he met Sergeant Sam Chavez who was
>responding to Zamora's earlier radio calls. Together they investigated the
>gully and found the bushes charred and still smoking where the blue flame
TOM: Then they got some leafs and smoked it.
>had jetted down on them. About the charred area were four deep marks where
>the metal legs had been. Each mark was three and one half inches deep, and
>was circular in shape. The sand in the gully was very hard packed so no
>sign of the humanoids' footprints could be found.
MIKE: But they COULD find marks from the spaceship?
> An official investigation
>was launched that same day, and all data obtained supported the stories of
CROW: That these two have a one way trip to the looney bin.
>Zamora and Chavez. It is rather difficult to label this episode a hoax,
TOM: Not REALLY.
>and it is also doubtful that both Zamora and Chavez shared portions of the
>same hallucination.
MIKE: Even though they were together, in the same place, at the same time.
>
>Secret Weapons
>
> A few individuals have proposed that UFO's are actually advanced
>weapon systems, and that their natures must not be revealed. Very few
>people accept this as a credible suggestion.
TOM: Good for them.
>
>Natural Phenomena
>
> It has also been suggested that at least some, and possibly all of
>the UFO cases were just mis-interpreted manifestations of natural phenomena.
MIKE: Now you're talking.
>Undoubtedly this suggestion has some merit. People have reported, as UFO's,
>objects which were conclusively proven to be balloons (weather and skyhook),
TOM: It is Balloon.
>the planet Venus, man-made artificial satellites, normal aircraft, unusual
>cloud formations, and lights from ceilometers (equipment projecting light
>beams on cloud bases to determine the height of the aircraft visual ceiling).
CROW: Wow! Using such big words!
>It is also suspected that people have reported mirages, optical illusions,
>swamp gas and ball lightning (a poorly-understood discharge of electrical
>energy in a spheroidal or ellipsoidal shape...some charges have lasted for
TOM:[Announcer] Are you suffering from spheroids and ellipsoids? Try this
new product! Preperation S & E. It gives a soothing affect to the
irritated area.
MIKE: Oh yuck.
>up to fifteen minutes but the ball is usually no bigger than a large orange.)
>But it is difficult to tell a swamp dweller that the strange, fast-moving
CROW: Do not bring your evil here.
>light he saw in the sky was swamp gas; and it is just as difficult to tell a
>farmer that a bright UFO in the sky is the same ball lightning that he has
>seen rolling along his fence wires in dry weather. Thus accidental mis-
>identification of what might well be natural phenomena breeds mistrust and
>disbelief; it leads to the hasty conclusion that the truth is deliberatly
>not being told.
TOM: One tends to disbelieve when someone mispells "deliberately".
> One last suggestion of interest has been made, that the
>UFO's were plasmoids from space...concentrated blobs of solar wind that
>succeeded in reaching the surface of the Earth. Somehow this last
>suggestion does not seem to be very plausible; perhaps because it ignores
>such things as penetration of Earth's magnetic field.
CROW: Uhh yeah. Whatever.
>
>Alien Visitors
>
> The most stimulating theory for us is that the UFO's are material
>objects which are either "Manned" or remote-controlled by beings who are
>alien to this planet. There is some evidence supporting this viewpoint. In
TOM: Star Trek, Aliens, Alf.
>addition to police Sergeant Lonnie Zamora's experience, let us consider the
>case of Barney and Betty Hill.
CROW: On the Twilight Zone.
> On a trip through New England they lost two
>hours on the night of 19 September 1961 without even realizing it. However,
>after that night both Barney and Betty began developing psychological
>problems
MIKE: They thought their last name was Rubble, and that they lived in the
Stone Age.
TOM:[Barney] Hiya, Betty!
CROW:[Betty] Oh Barney. HEheheheHEhehe..
> which eventually grew sufficiently severe that they submitted
>themselves to psychiatric examination and treatment. During the course of
>treatment hypnotherapy was used, and it yielded remarkably detailed and
>similar stories from both Barney and Betty.
TOM: They were watching too much Flintstone.
> Essentially they had been
>hypotically kidnapped, taken aboard a UFO, submitted to two-hour physicals,
>and released with posthypnotic suggestions
CROW: That they had a son named, Bam-Bam, and their next door neighbors were
Fred and Wilma...
MIKE: Guys. Twice is enough.
> to forget the entire incident.
>The evidence is rather strong that this is what the Hills, even in their
>subconscious, believe happened to them. And it is of particular importance
>that after the "posthypnotic block" was removed, both of the Hills ceased
>having their psychological problems.
TOM: They now watch The Jetsons.
MIKE: TOM!
CROW: Hit him!
MIKE: No.
>
> The Hill's description of the aliens was similar to descriptions
>provided in other cases, but this particular type of alien appears to be in
>the minority. The most commonly described alien is about three and one half
>feet tall, has a round head (helmet?),
MIKE: You tell us.
> arms reaching to or below his knees,
>and is wearing a silvery space suit or coveralls. Other aliens appear to be
>essentially the same as Earthmen, while still others have particularily wide
>(wrap around) eyes and mouths with very thin lips. And there is a rare
>group reported as about four feet tall, weight of around 35 pounds, and
CROW: How would YOU know their weight???
>covered with thick hair or fur (clothing?).
TOM: It IS Alf! [starts humming theme song to Alf]
> Members of this last group are
>described as being extremely strong. If such beings are visiting Earth, two
>questions arise: 1) why haven't they attempted to contact us officially?
>The answer to the first question may exist partially in Sergeant Lonnie
>Zamora's experience, and may exist partially in the Tunguska metor discussed
CROW: Isn't a metor a measure of distance?
MIKE: That's meter.
>in Chapter XXIX. In that chapter it was suggested that the Tunguska metor
>was actually a comet which exploded in the atmosphere, the ices melted and
TOM: Different kinds of ice?
>the dust spread out. Hence, no debris. However, it has also been suggested
>that the Tunguska meteor was actually an alien spacecraft that entered the
>atmosphere too rapidly, suffered mechanical failure, and lost its power
>supply and/or weapons in a nuclear explosion. While that hypothesis may
>seem far fetched, sample of tree rings from around the world reveal that,
>immediately after the Tunguska meteor explosion, the level of radioactivity
MIKE: What does that have to do with tree rings?
>in the world rose sharply for a short period of time. It is difficult to
>find a natural explanation for that increase in radioactivity, although the
>suggestion has been advanced that enough of the meteor's great Kinetic energy
>was converted into heat (by atmospheric friction) that a fusion reaction
>occurred. This still leaves us with no answer to the second question: why
>no contact?
TOM: Hmmm.. shot by gun toting farmers... subjected to various experiments
by the government.. What do YOU think the reason is?
> That question is very easy to answer in several ways: 1) we may
>be the object of intensive sociological and psychological study. In such
CROW: Or they could be forced to read cheezy posts.
------------------------
Claye Hodge
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