MiSTed: Earth Women and Space Men, part 3 (brand new!)
Eric Simon
all new stuff. Dig in and enjoy - parts 4 and 5 to follow shortly.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[sol - lights flashing]
MIKE: Hey, what's going on? We haven't even done our opening bit!
[d13]
DR. F: Sorry, no time for pleasantries. We're skipping right on into part 3
of John_-_Winston's otherworld fantasy: Earth Women and Space Men.
[sol]
MIKE: We've got post siiiign!
6...5...4...3...2...o
>Article 68282 of sci.skeptic:
>Path: news.acns.nwu.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!sdd.hp.com!portal.com!portal!
>cup.portal.com!John_-_Winston
>From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com
TOM: I'd like a cup to vomit in.
CROW: Huh?
TOM: Bukowski.
>Newsgroups: talk.religion.newage,sci.skeptic,alt.paranormal
>Subject: Earth Ladies And Space Gentlemen. Part 3.
>Message-ID: <112...@cup.portal.com>
>Date: Mon, 23 May 94 07:39:34 PDT
CROW: Pretty Darn Tasteless?
MIKE: No, Pacific Dimwit Time.
CROW: Oh.
>Organization: The Portal System (TM)
>References: <84...@cup.portal.com> <84...@cup.portal.com>
> <110...@cup.portal.com> <CovBA...@cuug.ab.ca> <110...@cup.portal.com>
>Lines: 113
TOM: [announcer] 113 lines of grand-spanking boredom!
>Xref: news.acns.nwu.edu talk.religion.newage:19040 sci.skeptic:68282
>alt.paranormal:11750
>Subject: Two Ladies Meet Two Space Gentlemen. Part 3.
> We will now go into the third part of our discussion of two ladies and
>their interplay with the space men.........................................
>...........................................................................
MIKE: I'm convinced this guy writes for some journal of sexual innuendo.
> A few weeks later we were contacted by the Brothers and were told that the
>Martian Council had requested us to speak of the powerful effects of the A
>and H bombs and ALSO
TOM: ALSO causes 20 percent of rodent deaths each year!
CROW: Buy ALSO today!
> the future of those responsible for their evil.
MIKE: I think Oppenheimer's dead.
> When
>we were told these requests we asked for information to give Earth's people,
>and the following is what they gave us.
TOM: [Alexei Sayle voice] Two tickets to see the Brazilian National Mime
Theatre at Riverside Studio...
CROW: [same] One of them little rubber things that go "Neep! Neep! Neep!"
> It was prepared by one of the
>Brothers know as Sigt.
CROW: Hey, how do you pronounce that?
TOM: I think it's like "sight", but without the h.
MIKE: No one is blinder than he who will not see.
> I wil go directly into his message and then would
>like to take up a subject that many people have questioned us about-such
>subjects as evil flying saucers and evil space people, also strange
>phenonema that seem to defy natural law will be spoken of.
TOM: Also strange sentence structure that seems to defy 5th grade grammar.
> Now, I would like
>to give you Sigt's message:
CROW: Oh *would* you?
>
> "Earth's scientists are creating around planet Earth the most deadly
>condition to material man
CROW: Madonna?
> than ever {has been before}.
TOM: Oh, don't bother trying to fix the alien's grammar. You're not exactly
Mr. MLA Handbook yourself.
> The explosions of
>the A and |H bombs
ALL: |Huh?
> are placing the residue particles of radioactivity into
>all the materials of Earth. Each human being upon Earth now carries a
>certain degree of radioactivity in their bones and systems.
MIKE: DOS?
TOM: OS/2?
CROW: UNIX?
> Why should it be
>significant to hear of this when you cannot see the radioactivity, nor hear
>it as it does much destructive work?
TOM: Oh, I guess it's not. Let's end this article.
> "In the advanced laboratories of Mars we have proved the detructibility
>of such uncontrolled energy.
MIKE: We've been using Elvis as a test subject.
TOM: [whispering] Mike! This was 1957. Elvis was still here.
MIKE: I know. That's my point.
> Radioactivity drops, upon the grass,
>buildings and people after being carried by the air currents around an
>explosion. This energy is in minute particles that have the effect of
>deterioration to the molecules of all material things. This radioactivity
>settles around an object or body and penetrates the outer area of the surface
>or skin.
CROW: This is starting to get scary.
> What does radioactivity look like, you many wonder.
TOM: No, we many do *not* wonder.
> "As an explanation, many of you have seen small dust spirals along the
>streets or in a dusty area that swirl around and around in circles that then
>seem to disappear.
CROW: Um...sure. [whispering] Just go along with it, guys.
> Radioactivity has the same effect and looks very
>similar as it settles around a body.
TOM: When a body meets a body comin' through the plutonium.
> The small particles are caught up in a
>swirling counter-clock-wise motion that cause them to be driven down into
>the surface of the body cells. This energy, once inside the body, offsets
>the balance of the normal cell and causes it to become either agitated into
>more activity as it tries to cast back out of the system, or else the
>radioactivity attacks cells that are already weakened by illness, and
>immediately sets up a destruction of them.
MIKE: Wow, this sure got serious in a hurry.
TOM: What happened to descriptions of aliens playing shuffleboard?
>
> " When this new activity occurs in a normal cell a powerful microscope
>would reveal the atomical structure
MIKE: That's a pretty powerful microscope all right.
> of the cell is creating a counter
>offensive action
CROW: Desert Storm? Oh, sorry.
> that is clockwise as compared to the counter-clockwise
>motion of the radiactivity. When this occurs, there is eventually a
>breaking down of the cell's motion, for as the explosions of the A and H
>bombs continue the aciton of the radioactivity
TOM: The aciton? Is that a new quark?
MIKE: Fermilab just discovered it last week.
> is strengthened by this and
>overpowers the clockwise motion of the body cels
CROW: Animation cels?
> that are attempting to
>throw off the radioactivity. Thus, the body cells are forced to become
>activated in the same manner. This creates a drawing together or
>constriction of the cells and creates abnormal conditions and illnesses. As
>the radioactivity increases the rate of motion increases around each body
>living on Earth. This changes the cell formaiton
MIKE: See, the formaiton is the quark that's paired with the aciton.
> and in the next gereration
TOM: Winston misspellings, the next gereration.
MIKE: You know, that's not a very common typo. "R" is nowhere near "n".
CROW: Well, they kinda look alike.
>this inherent conditon is accentuated by the accumulated mass of more
>radioactivity. In the second and third generations these changes are
>visible as definite deformations of the body, and this in turn, if not
>controlled, will lead to a generation of mutants.
ALL: TOO LATE!
> "What does radioactivity sound like?
TOM: [sings] I'm-a radioactive!
> I will try to explain. Many people
>are receptive to certain high vibratory sounds
TOM: Well *that* explains Michael Jackson's appeal.
CROW: Don't you mean Janet?
TOM: No...
> that are derived from the
>atomic explosions, and are the elemnetal changes in the atmospheres of
>earth. These high pitched sounds are very serious, for they can almost
>pierce the very soul consciousness, and cause changes there.
MIKE: Wow, I had no idea radioactivity was reaching into my soul.
TOM: So, what do you think it does to your soul?
CROW: It gathers everybody in Boulder and Las Vegas for a final showdown
between good and evil?
> The
>consciousness of Man is being affected every day by these vibrations
TOM: [singing] Good, good, good...good vibrations!
> that
>these explosions have created, and unless these are altered or until the
>explosions of this nature are stopped the Mind of Man will be changed in
>drastic measures.
MIKE: I guess in 1957 nuclear power was still in the hands of witch doctors.
>Some of these notes can cause a perfectly healthy person to
>develop a fatal illness, some can affect the mental processes terribly,
TOM: Some can affect regularity...
MIKE: Ewww...
> other
>of these vibrations, if not altered within the consciousness of the
>indivdual, can cause one to commit acts that otherwise would not be done.
CROW: Such as...posting 40 year-old articles from UFO Universe on the net?
>But most serious indeed are the changes in the atomical structures of the
>atmospheres of Earth. Here the greatest battle of all is arising.
CROW: Whoah! Haul out the Veritech fighters!
> The
>Earth wants to separate with this activity, but the consciousnesses of the
>higher evolved here upon Earth and in Space are preventing this, until
>Earth can adjust.
TOM: [Minnesota lady's voice] Ohhh, the Earth's just going through a phase.
>
> "How can you stop this from happening?
CROW: By putting John_-_Winston in your permanent kill file.
> The answer is simply stop the
>unnecessary test of these bombs. For those who maintain it is necessary to
>show the military strength, we can only say what strength is there to be
>shown that deprives the people, vegetation and animals of a perfectly
>beautiful and attainable future otherwise.
MIKE: Right on, Space brother!
TOM: Guys, we just hit a valid point in a J_-_W post. Isn't that one of the
signs of the apocalypse?
> Is it truly possible that the
>{deceivability} of such destructive weapons
ALL: WHAT?
TOM: I didn't know the MX was easily fooled.
> can replace sane, sound acitons
>of better living? It is necessary now for the Space People living upon Earth
CROW: [old man voice] Damn illegal aliens are ruining the country!
>to take protective measures or otherwise suffer the same effects from
>radioactivity as the citizens. It is not possible for us to give Earth's
>people enough of the protectors without the cooperation of the governments,
>and such cooperation is at present unattainable.
TOM: And I suppose they *really* tried hard!
> The continuance of these
>tests are affecting all responsible for them, and if one accepts
>reincarnation as an answer it would be definitely seen why no one here or
>responsible for these tests would want to re-live again in mutated bodies of
>the future generations.
MIKE: Wait, now he's arguing the Hindu standpoint? Boy, he is all over the
map!
> If reincarnation be unacceptable to the average
>person, then the knowledge that these tests are mutating their children and
>their children's children should be sufficient reason for stopping them.
MIKE: Oh, I don't know. I think it'd be cool to have a kid with three arms.
TOM: What do you think is the possibility of you having any children, Nelson?
MIKE: Shut up, Servo.
> Our
>warning to Earth is cease you tests and save you future."
CROW: Well, he's certainly a very hip Space Person.
>
> What the Space People are trying to make clear in this message and many
>others similar to this is that Earth is now in a most perilous situation,
>and faces self-destruction of humanity.
MIKE: Oh well. No great loss.
> In the two years we have contacted
>the Brothers they have been concerned and talked most frequently about the
>destructibility of the A and H Bombs. Speaking of this destruction, the
>questions I mentioned earlier come to my mind, and that is concerning the
>evil flying saucers and evil space people.
CROW: *That* was an awkward segue!
>
>JW Wasn't Carl Sagan part of a protest group for something or another?
>
TOM: Ummm...sure John, whatever you say.
>Part 3.
>
>Source Of Information: UFO UNIVERSE, SUMMER, 1994.
TOM: Let's head back to *our* universe, guys.
>
>John Winston.
o...2...3...4...5...6
[sol]
MIKE: Gee, guys, isn't it interesting how this series started out as just
another alien encounter, and now all of the sudden it's a moral lecture
on nuclear testing?
TOM: I don't know, Nelson. I don't think I want someone like John_-_Winston
telling me whether I should or shouldn't explode an a-bomb now and then.
MIKE: Oh, but you have to admit that he did make some valid points there.
CROW: True...but the information he has backing it up was outdated even in
the fifties. Don't forget the fundamental rule of logic - a right idea
is wrong if it's argued by John_-_Winston.
MIKE: Yeah, I guess you're right. What do you think, sirs?
[d13]
DR. F: I think you ain't seen nothing yet, Descartes. The worst is yet to
come! Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: But the Space Brothers told us not to test nuclear weapons.
DR. F: Not *that* button you pointless syllogism!
FRANK: Oh. Right.
[click]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all associated names and trademarks are the
sole property of Best Brains, Inc., copyright 1994. This is not an attempt
to infringe upon that ownership in any way, nor is it intended as a personal
attack on Mr. John Winston, but he really should lighten up a little bit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This MiST written by Eric "Darkwing" Simon - September 94
>Our warning to Earth is cease you tests and save you future.
--
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You'll have to forgive me. I have a memory like a...like a...what are those
things you drain rice in? What am I talking about?
-Douglas Adams, _Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency_