MiSTed: August 1994 Mt. Shasta Trip, Pt. 1
Jim Gould
[door sequence]
[SoL. Tom Servo is sitting in front of what looks like a PC. He's
obviously quite flustered. Crow enters from stage left.]
CROW: Hey, Servo. Whatcha doin'?
SERVO: Trying to think of a way to type without drawing attention to
the fact that I can't and possibly resurrecting an old tired
sequence of jokes about my inoperable arms.
CROW: Oh. [looks away, then back] Well, have fun! [exits stage
right]
SERVO: Uh, thanks! Hmm. Okay, I have an idea.. Computer!
COMPUTER: [electronic-sounding voice] Uh, yeah?
SERVO: Hey, neat! Just like in Star Trek, only we're stationary. I
guess that'd make it more like Deep Space Nine, though..
COMPUTER: Look, what do you *want*? I was busy.
SERVO: Well, I was wondering if you could get me into the newsreader so
I could scan ahead for any really stinky posts the Mads might drop
on us.
COMPUTER: No.
SERVO: Thanks! I -- huh?!
COMPUTER: I said no.
[Joel gets up from where he had been crouched out of Cambot's range.
He's holding a microphone in his hand, and switches it off.]
JOEL: Sorry, Tom.. I just thought I'd have a little fun with you.
SERVO: So we *don't* have a neat, talking computer?
JOEL: Uh, no, Tom.. sorry. The closest thing we have is Magic Voice,
and I don't think she could help you.
SERVO: [shaking with anger] Joel, how could you raise my hopes so high
as to make me believe my dreams had become hard, solid reality, and
then dash them upon the rocks of pragmatic pessimism? Listen to
me! I'm so upset and dismayed that I'm not even making sense
anymore!
[Servo goes on and on and on and on.]
JOEL: [turns to Cambot] We'll be right back.
[The Politically Incorrect commercial. Expect to see this one, and the
"AbFab" commercial about twenty more times during tonight's show.]
[SoL. Crow is in his usual spot; Joel is consoling Tom.]
SERVO: And I was gonna gopher to syrinx.umd.edu and learn a lot of Rush
songs on guitar, and I was gonna gopher to phoenix.creighton.edu
and learn a lot about the Replacements, and I was gonna..
[The red light flashes.]
JOEL: Hold that thought, Tom.. the Stinson brothers are calling.
[Deep 13. Dr. F. is attired normally, but behind him, Frank is wearing
a strange radiation suit-looking thing, but no mask of any kind. Cables
extend from his back (or so it appears, as he's facing us) and go to what
looks like an effects rack, the kind one might find in a studio or in a
really rich guitarist's house.]
DR. F: Ah, good day, Chris Mars. Our invention exchange today is an
innovation in pure, unadulterated evil, in that it takes pain
and unusual changes in personal appearance to a most incredible
extreme.
FRANK: And it's tasty, too!
DR. F: [shoots an annoyed look at Frank, then turns back around]
Sorry, Joel.. I'm afraid Frank's still stuck in Cheese Phone
mode. This device, based on the Calvinic Transmogrifier, is
called the Transmorpher. Surely you've seen those commercials
where the car becomes a tiger and whatnot.. our invention allows
you to smoothly "morph" into whatever *you* want to be.
[Dr. F goes over to the machine.] Now, Frank, what do you want
to be?
FRANK: [obviously not being serious] Hey, is there a "Peter Graves"
selection on there? [chuckles dully]
DR. F: Why, yes, Frank, there is. You're in luck! [ignoring Frank's
protests, he twists some knobs] Let's see.. crank up the "morph"
speed to MAX.. Peter Graves.. no, let's try Elvis Costello.
[Frank becomes more vocal] Oh, all for your own good, Frank,
you have nothing to fear. And we'll push the button.
[He pushes the button, and there's a puff of smoke. The smoke clears to
reveal Frank, with black hair and glasses with the typical Buddy Holly
frames. He's still in the radiation suit.]
FRANK: [British accent] Clay, I think you set the speed a little high.
[strikes a pose similar to that on the front of _My Aim Is
True_ (meaning kind of a geeky, knock-kneed stance) and starts
howling something that sounds suspiciously like "Alison"]
DR. F: [turns back to camera, eyebrows raised] Obviously, we need to
work out some bugs. So tell me, Mr. Hackett, what do you have
for us?
[SoL. Joel has, in front of him, a big happy face button (standard
round yellow head with black dots for eyes, etc.). The 'bots are looking
at it dubiously.]
JOEL: That's *Joel*, Roy, and our invention this week is Mr. Happy
Face. Maybe you recall the days when everyone went around
wearing smaller versions of these on their denim jackets, and
spreading peace, love --
SERVO: And complete, utter annoyance --
JOEL: [nodding] -- everywhere they went. Well, we've redesigned
him for this brave new decade. Mr. Happy Face will make a
beeping sound when it hears a word it doesn't like, and, when you
press the button on its back, will suggest an alternate phrase to
use. Okay, Tom, let's give it a try.
SERVO: Uh, Joel.. how was your stay in the hospital?
[Mr. Happy Face beeps loudly, and Joel presses something on its back.]
MR. HAPPY FACE: "Hospital" is an outdated term. Please use "place of
health enhancement" or a similar phrase in its place.
CROW: Joel, isn't this just a really cheap shot at the PC Movement,
however admittedly overblown as it's become?
[Mr. Happy Face beeps. Joel presses the button.]
MR. HAPPY FACE: "Joel" is an outdated term. Please use "sleepy-faced
one" or a similar phrase in its place.
[The 'bots snicker; Joel looks at Mr. Happy Face in consternation.]
JOEL: Okay, then. Crow.
CROW: Yeah?
[You guessed it. Mr. Happy Face beeps. Joel hits the button.]
MR. HAPPY FACE: "Crow" is an outdated term. Please use "golden-tinged
birdlike construct" or a similar phrase in its place.
CROW: Huh?!
SERVO: [still laughing] "Golden-tinged birdlike construct"! Ah,
that's rich!
JOEL: Tom Servo?
[Insert Mr. Happy Face/Joel pressing button sequence here.]
MR. HAPPY FACE: "Tom Servo" is an outdated term. Please use "powerful,
handsome, smooth-voiced robot" in its place.
JOEL AND CROW: Huh?!
JOEL: Looks like someone's been messing with Mr. Happy Face's
programming. [He and Crow look at Tom, who flutters around a
little; Joel looks back at camera] What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Frank's still clamoring away with the Costello tunes.]
DR. F: I try not to think, Joel. It makes my brain hurt. [looks
off-camera] Frank, for the last time, I don't *know* where the
Attractions are! [looks back] But I do know where *your*
experiment is, sleepy-faced one, and it *is* a doozy. It's part
one of an article posted for John_-_Winston by a friend, giving
the intimate details of his "August 1994 Mount Shasta Trip".
Enjoy the tangy zip of pain, Joel.
[SoL]
SERVO: I'm afraid.
CROW: What, no comforting words from the "powerful, handsome,
smooth-voiced" one?
SERVO: Lay off, "birdlike construct".. I was only having fun.
[Lights flash]
ALL: We've got message sign!!
[door sequence]
>Xref: dorite alt.alien.visitors:13712 alt.fan.john-winston:369
>Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.fan.john-winston
SERVO: Ya know, the existence of either of those groups makes me fear
for the future of society.
>Path: dorite!news.sprintlink.net!howland.reston.ans.net!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov
>!lll-winken.llnl.gov!enews.sgi.com!decwrl!netcomsv!netcom.com!jeffp
CROW: No, thank you.
>From: je...@netcom.com (Jeff)
JOEL: Oh, the next post will be from mu...@netcom.com, right?
>Subject: August 1994 Mt. Shasta Trip.
SERVO: I *refuse* to believe the only time John takes a trip is in
August, if you know what I mean.
CROW: What *do* you mean?
SERVO: I'll tell you later.
>Message-ID: <jeffpCy...@netcom.com>
>Organization: BeHereNow
CROW: A Fruitopia commercial!
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL1]
JOEL: Public Limited 1?
CROW: That's Michael Jackson, Joel.
SERVO: Or the artist formerly known as Prince.
>Date: Wed, 26 Oct 1994 23:30:12 GMT
>Lines: 179
SERVO: Okay, we know the number of lines involved.. how about the
number of crop circles?
>Subject: August 1994 Mt. Shasta Trip.
SERVO: Whoa! Deja vu.
> This year while on a trip to Mt. Shasta
CROW: I fell in a deep hole and died and I'm narrating this by Ouija
board. The end.
> I decided to check something out.
JOEL: Excuse me, sir, you need a library card for that.
>I had been told by a
SERVO: .. little bird ..
> member of the Solar Cross Group in San Jose, Calif. that
CROW: We should believe nothing and trust in nothing.
JOEL: Oh, they're no fun.
>a few members of their group had made
CROW: A really neat-o cool birdhouse out of toothpicks.
> a trip up the sides of Mt. Shasta and
>come in contact
SERVO: Paper?
CROW: Lens?
> with a man connected with the people inside the mountain.
JOEL: And he also told us he was formerly a Disney employee.
>They were then taken by
SERVO: -- the men in bright white coats --
> this person on a walk to a certain place on the
>mountain
SERVO: [sings] Go tell it on the mountain..
> and then put through some sort of experience that was very
>enlightening.
CROW: Like having about 220 V pumped through them?
> This all was supposed to have happened
JOEL: But it didn't, and well, that's a day in the life of a nutcase.
> at Panther Meadows
CROW: Oh, he can't even spell "Moderns" right!
SERVO: D'oh!
> up
>on the west side of the mountain near the old ski bowl.
JOEL: Is that pronounced "she bowl"?
SERVO: She's probably got a better score than most of the aliens in the
mountain.
> This person was said
CROW: To look like the cover of _Aqualung_?
>to wear coverall like a carpenter wears, have a beard, and drive a white
>truck.
CROW: Well, close.
SERVO: And to have two large antenna protruding from his crown and to
go around telling them to call him "Martin".
> I was going to go to that particular area
SERVO: Uh.. what area would *that* be, JW?
> anyway so I thought I would keep
JOEL: My extra bottle of Thorazine --
>my eyes open for this person or someone like him.
CROW: Ah, just admit that all you saw was Ricardo Montalban and we'll
be even.
> The first place I stopped
SERVO: Threw me right back out again.
>was Bunny Flats,
CROW: Bunny was a local businessperson who specialized in
entertainment.
> a place where people stop, get out of their cars and
JOEL: Wave their arms around and give voice to ululating cries in a vain
attempt to attract the aliens' attention?
> start
>their climb up to the top of the mountain.
SERVO: Probably would make sense that you stop *there*, then.
> I met a person who had just come
>down from a successful hike to the
JOEL: Men's room?
> top and back. He said that he had just
SERVO: Discovered the secret of cold fusion thanks to the kind guidance
of one alien, named Flkwph.
>bought a book called
CROW: Dianetics. It had changed his life.
> Sacred Sites, Pocket Directory, Mt. Shasta Area and it
>may help me in my quest for the type person for which I was looking.
JOEL: The first place I tried was a place the natives called
"sanitarium".
> The
>book could be bought at a place called Wings
SERVO: At the lunch counter. Just ask Helen about "alien visitors" and
she'll set you up.
> Bookstore, 226 N. Mt. Shasta
>Blvd. Mt. Shasta, CA. 96o67
CROW: 90210.
JOEL: 90125.
> , (916-926-3041). The next day I went to the
>place and bought the book, but back to our story.
SERVO: Wouldn't want to get away from *that*! No, sir!
> I next went to a place
>just a small distance further up the hill called Panther Meadows. I walked
CROW: Into a tree.
>around through the camping area that is very rocky and has no running water.
JOEL: The other camping areas felt very neglected.
>I also just looked out into a open meadow but then turned back.
SERVO: Hey, John's afraid of open spaces.
> The next place I got to was the old ski bowl area itself.
CROW: And boy, did she bowl!
> I immediately
SERVO: Keeled over in a dead faint.
>noticed an older man, about 72 years old I would guess, who was 5 feet 5
>inches tall, and was missing most of his teeth except one that was still
>visible.
CROW: Waitaminit! He could tell all that just in the first second of
seeing the guy?
> From a distance I saw that he and a young lady had a white colored
>alaskan, dog sled type dog
SERVO: I see the aliens are messing with interspecies breeding again.
> with unusual colored eyes. I had Yogi, my
>telepathic dog
JOEL: Who had even more unusually colored eyes.
> along with me who at that time was missing a chunk out of his
>ear and had a hole that had been bitten in the side of his face
SERVO: Gross!
CROW: [as _-_] Just like his owner!
> so I didn't
>want him starting any more fights, so I held on to him pretty securely.
SERVO: Unlike my ties to reality.
> This man was dressed up with a leather vest,
CROW: Oh, it's the mountain of the Village People!
> his hair was grey and pretty
>stringy.
JOEL: I bet his head was just a weird-shaped guitar.
'BOTS: Huh?
> He would have passed for a hippy, if indeed he was not one.
SERVO: Hippie alien lovers with sled dogs. That'd be a *great* talk
show topic!
> I
>greeted him with one of my normal greetings such as
JOEL: "Aaaargh! Get them *off* me! AAAARGH!"
SERVO: "I'm Kevin Nealon."
CROW: "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"
[pause]
SERVO: Just had to make the REM reference, didn't you?
CROW: Ah, shut up and read the post.
> "Howdy Bub, how're Ya
>Doing?
ALL: ["hyuck"s all around]
> He greeted me and was very friendly.
JOEL: [as _-_] He only hit me in the head with a rock once!
> After the conversation got
>going a little bit he came out with the statement that he was from Maldek.
SERVO: It's considered good etiquette to bring up Maldek whenever the
conversation drags.
> I
>then added to the conversation by saying,
JOEL: "I'm sorry, I think I went sane for just a minute."
> "Oh, yes that was the planet that
>they blew up and the people who were killed incarnated on the Earth."
ALL: Huh?!
CROW: Thanks for the incomprehensible history lesson, John!
> He
>then added that he was the one that pushed to button to blow it up."
SERVO: He was the one that pushed to button that and the in then I --
huh?!
> He
>also stated that Lucifer was now working for them,
JOEL: [singing] Flee the icy Lucifer, oh, he's an awful fellow!
SERVO: [dramatically] There was a rush along the Fulham Road. There was
a hush in the Passion Play.
> (By them he meant the
>workers of Light or the good guys.)
CROW: Oh, I understand. Evil Incarnate is working for the forces of
GOOD?!
> I then told him that at the present
>time there is a lady in San Diego, Calif., by the name of Ruth Norman, who
>says that she is the Arch Angel Uriel
SERVO: She also says that a little tinfoil in the ears keeps the demons
out of your head and that John Lydon is the one true way to
Heaven.
> and she is working with the present
>incarnation of Lucifer.
CROW: Yeah, man, they're like in the studio now, and stuff.
> The man's first name is now Vaughn and he is
>now trying to be good.
JOEL: Good Satan. Stay, Satan.
SERVO: Wait, wait, wait.. the Devil's name is *Vaughn*?
> I then asked my new friend what his name was and he said, "Gabriel".
CROW: Just by a weird, quirky coincidence, he pulled out a trumpet and
started Armageddon.
> I
>later asked what other name he was called by and he said, "Peter Gabriel."
SERVO: I'm almost *certain* he was on tour in August.
JOEL: Maybe he stopped at Mt. Shasta.
>I then informed him that it had been my good pleasure to meet many of the
>great people who
CROW: Had appeared on "The Love Boat".
> were now in an earthly incarnation such as Ezekial, Abraham,
>and a few more.
JOEL: Well, I saw Paul Westerberg in a Stuckey's once.
> I told him that I once met an Englishman who is now dead by
SERVO: [dramatically] His own hand.
>the name of Joseph Busby who many people believe was the present incarnation
>of the old testement prophet Ezekial.
JOEL: Now, of course, he's the *past* present incarnation.
> I once ask Joseph if he was indeed
>Ezekial and he said, "My dear Mr. Winston,
CROW: "You're out of your flipping mind."
> I prefer not to the bask in the
>effluence of a previous incarnation.
SERVO: Rather, I prefer to bask in the sun and get a nice tan.
> It is only important what a person is
>doing at the present time."
SERVO: You know, I hear he was picking his nose at the time.
> I then asked him, "What was it that Ezekial
>saw, the wheel in a wheel in the sky.
ALL: [singing] Wheel in the sky keeps on turning...
> He then told me, "My dear friend,
>Ezekial saw an interdimensional space craft, on which he was later taken
>for a ride.
JOEL: Anybody shocked?
CROW: Nope.
SERVO: Not for a second.
> Then my conversation with Gabriel really go far out.
CROW: It must be *really* weird if JW calls it far out.
> He asked me if I knew
>the name of God.
JOEL: I said, "No, but I know that it's not 'Vaughn'."
> He said that God is in the breath.
SERVO: I guess when you give something to someone, you're always part
of it.
> He opened up his mouth
CROW: And out rode the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! AAAAAARGH!!
>so it made a small circular opening and then sucked in the air while making
>the sound of Yaaa.
SERVO: "Peter Gabriel", folks.. God's own vacuum cleaner.
> He then blew out the air while making the sound of Waaaay.
JOEL: Uh, "Pete", maybe you should cut down on watching "Wayne's
World".
>In other words Ya-Way. That is not how people normally spell it but that is
>how he said it. He next said that he talks to God at least twice a day.
SERVO: Somehow I knew that was coming.
>That day he said that he had talked to God or something to that effect
CROW: Maybe not God, but something similar to God?
> over
>in Panther Meadows and something to do with talking to insects.
JOEL: You know, they say the guys who live in the mountains talking to
bugs are the most trustworthy sources of information ever.
> It wasn't
>very clear to me.
SERVO: John! You've finally joined the club. [sotto voce] Let's throw
him out, guys.
> He said that he spent a complete year over in a cave on
>Mt. Shasta and I had heard of someone doing that before and I don't know
>whether they were talking about him or not.
SERVO: And I don't really care and oh the weather's nice today and that
butterfly just landed on Peter Gabriel's head and I really
should have listened to that lecture on run-on sentences in high
school and how did I make it through that class to begin with
and --
JOEL: Tom, I think you've made your point, okay?
> I figured this person was
>talking and I didn't want to slow him down.
JOEL: Besides, you couldn't have gotten a word in with a sledgehammer.
CROW: Those aliens' friends are always *really* talkative.
> If you would ask the people around the area about this person they might
JOEL: Run away screaming in fear! AAAIIIEEE!!
>say that he is just a fool, hippy, or the local joke because
CROW: He wears a great big sandwich board sign with those words painted
on it.
> what he says
>does not fit in with their idea of reality but I for one think that he had
>a lot of truth to tell.
SERVO: Yeah, well.. let's just say I'm not all that surprised and leave
it at that.
>Part 1.
JOEL: Uh-oh. That means there's more.
>John Winston.
CROW: No, there *isn't*.
SERVO: Not this time, anyway. C'mon.
[door sequence]
[SoL. Joel has little red horns stuck to his forehead, and is wearing a
sign reading "The Magnificent Vaughn". Crow is avoiding looking
directly at Joel, but keeps darting his eyes over to his left. Tom is
keeping a safe distance.]
SERVO: Joel, is this *really* necessary?
JOEL: Sure, it'll be fun. See, the premise here is that I'm Vaughn,
the current incarnation of Old Scratch himself, and I'm fighting
against my innately evil nature to try to work with the forces of
good. Try me, guys.. ask me to do a good deed.
CROW: Uh, okay, Joel --
JOEL: "Vaughn".
CROW: -- whatever. Here comes Gypsy; why don't you help her across the
room?
[Joel leaps stage left, leaving Crow and Tom snickering. Joel comes
back, dragging Gypsy along with him.]
GYPSY: Joel, let me *go*!
JOEL: [stops dragging Gypsy] Aw, I was just helping you across the
room. And call me "Vaughn".
GYPSY: You get too deep into these stupid articles, Joel. [exits]
[Joel looks dejected.. the 'bots move closer, and Joel paternally places
a hand on Tom's head.]
SERVO: Ah, don't worry, J -- Vaughn.. you tried. There's always
another good deed elsewhere.
JOEL: I guess you're right, Tom. [his hand tightens on Tom's head; Tom
lets fly various interjections like "Hey!" and "Leggo!"] But
the alternative is that you all can bow down and worship me, now!
Crawl on your knees like the dogs you truly are and -- [breaks
off, lets go of Tom's head. Tom skitters away.] Sorry, did I go
evil again?
CROW: Joel, take off the horns and the sign before you hurt somebody.
SERVO: He already did. [slightly lower voice] Ow!
JOEL: [taking off the sign and unsticking the horns] Sorry, Tom. I guess
we'd better not do that one again.
[Red call light goes off]
JOEL: Well, what do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Frank is still Costellinated, but he's stopped moving around,
content just to sit and write in a notebook. Dr. F is studying him
dubiously. He looks at the camera.]
DR. F: Fine, Joel, fine. I've got a problem on my hands.. Frank's
working on his next album and he's encountered a few problems.
FRANK: [British accent] Steve, what word rhymes with Nicaragua?
DR. F: [pauses to consider, then becomes angry at being duped into
participating in such stupidity] I don't *know*! Just push the
button, Frank!
[Frank puts down the notebook, and pushes the button. Suddenly, a
familiar voice says:]
MR. HAPPY FACE: "Frank" is an outdated term. Please use "Elvis
Costello replication" or a similar phrase in its place.
[Dr. F and Frank exchange confused looks, then look at the camera.]
[SoL. Joel's smiling and has out Mr. Happy Face. He pushes the button
on its back.]
[As the screen blinks out, we hear Joel say:]
JOEL: Switcheroo!
***end credits***
MiSTed by Jim Gould (jgo...@walnut.holli.com)
It's my first. Be gentle.
Of course, the disclaimer:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) and all related situations/characters,
etc. are trademarks of and are (c) by 1994 Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Use of all of this neat stuff is not intended as infringement of any sort
upon the copyright held by BBI, and the (occasionally arguably) humorous
content is not intended as an attack on John Winston or on "Peter Gabriel"
or "Vaughn" or on anyone else involved or not involved, whether they be
human or extraterrestrial. My mission is a peaceful one.
Besides, I wouldn't want to tangle with "Vaughn" if he's really Lucifer
incarnate, would you? I mean, that'd really be a bad idea. Who knows
what kind of ailment or scarring you'd walk away from such an encounter
with? I mean, yeah, he's trying to be good and all, but you never know
with those infernal fallen-angel types. Yeesh.
> I then asked my new friend what his name was and he said, "Gabriel". I
>later asked what other name he was called by and he said, "Peter Gabriel."