MiSTed: Earth Women meet Space Gentleman, Part 2
Eric Simon
[sol - Crow and Tom are lying on the table, staring off into space. Mike is
flipping a quarter onto the back of his hand.]
CROW: Bored. Bored. Bored.
TOM: Yep. Nothin' to do.
CROW: Bored-o...bored-o...really bored.
TOM: Spendiferously bored.
CROW: Pretty much.
TOM: Splendoliciously bored.
CROW: Sittin' around...nothin' goin' on...and pretty bored.
[lights flash]
TOM: Super-cala-splendidioduper bored-orama.
MIKE: Oh look, the Marcel Prousts are calling. [hits button]
[Deep 13 - Dr F. and Frank have their faces in the camera]
DR F.: Did you say you were bored? Well, I've got a wonderful pick-me-up:
the next in John_-_Winston's series about earth women and Space Men.
[sol - party music is playing. there are streamers and confetti everywhere.
Mike and the bots are wearing party hats and groucho glasses. Mike is
blowing a noisemaker.]
CROW: Bored? Who said anything about being bored?
TOM: We're having the time of our lives!
[Deep 13]
DR F.: A feeble attempt, Marionettes, but you couldn't even fool a fool.
FRANK: Or even Dr Forrester.
DR F.: Thank you, Frank. [pause, looks at Frank] FRANK! I'm going to
cut your strings pretty soon! [looks back at camera] Choke down
this party favor, lampshade man. Send them the post, Frank.
[click]
[sol - lights flashing]
TOM: We've got post siiign!
[Mike lets out another burst with the noisemaker.]
6...5...4...3...2...o
Article 68242 of sci.skeptic:
Path: news.acns.nwu.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!
vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!sdd.hp.com!portal.com!portal!cup.portal.com!
John_-_Winston
TOM: Two paths diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I was that I took the
one travelled by John_-_Winston.
From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com
Newsgroups: talk.religion.newage,sci.skeptic,alt.paranormal
Subject: Earth Ladies Meet Space Gentlemen. Part 2.
CROW: [announcer voice] For those of you just joining us, absolutely nothing
happened in our last installment.
Message-ID: <112...@cup.portal.com>
Date: Sun, 22 May 94 17:23:10 PDT
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
References: <84...@cup.portal.com> <84...@cup.portal.com>
<110...@cup.portal.com> <CovBA...@cuug.ab.ca> <110...@cup.portal.com>
MIKE: Notice that most of these references are from John_-_Winston himself.
CROW: John_-_Winston, the ultimate self-indulgent poster.
Lines: 83
Xref: news.acns.nwu.edu talk.religion.newage:19030 sci.skeptic:68242
alt.paranormal:11745
TOM: Looks like the skeptics are winning.
Subject: Earth Ladies Meet Gentlemen From Space. Part 2.
CROW: Let's see how many ways we can say the same thing.
At the close of our last discussion we had a lady aboard a space craft.
CROW: You have *no* shame, buddy!
MIKE: He says it so...factually, as if it's ever really happened to him.
We will now continue.......................................................
...........................................................................
TOM: We will now continue...falling asleep at the period button.
MIKE: You know, there are more periods in those two lines than in the rest
of the article.
From this room I was shown the control section where I was told our calls
were received when we operated our device.
TOM: Now *there's* an opening sentence designed to confuse latecomers.
Here they placed a call through
to our telephone in St.Louis by adjusting a series of dials, and I was
allowed to speak with Betty and tell her that I was with the Brothers.
MIKE: Karamozov?
I was
also shown a scope similar to a television screen, the only difference
being this was at a slight elevation on the control counter, instead of
standing up at eye level or in a box type cabinet which our television sets
consist of.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
CROW: Mike, make it stop!
TOM: I am the God of Grammar, and I condemn this post to the eternal abyss,
which is presided over by His Wretchedness, John_-_Winston.
This scope could obviously reflect any particualr building or
house that the space people desired to observe,
MIKE: Oh sure, it's easy to tell all that just from looking at it.
TOM: Um...how does a scope "reflect" a building?
and when I looked at the
scope when Alna requested me to do so, I could see the inside areas of my
home and could see my sister,
CROW: She could see the inside areas of her sister?
mother and the children moving about. It was
as though the entire roof ahd been removed and only the walls remained of the
house.
MIKE: They're the Space Peepers.
When I asked them how this was done, they explained that the first
set of vibrations that left the roof were erased and the vibrations of the
furniture and people inside
TOM: What vibrations are they talking about?
CROW: Well...
MIKE: Don't even think about answering that one, Crow.
were received on the scope, and therefore it
appeared as though the instruments in the control seciton were actually
looking through the building.
From this section we entered another much larger control section and I
watched other uniformed men going about their work with much deftness and
swiftness.
CROW: I bet she enjoyed *that* part.
TOM: Oh, Crow! That's disgusting! We don't even know if they're
anatomically compatible!
I was told then that we were going to dine,
CROW: Die? Oh, dine.
and when we entered
the dining area it appeared as a vast empty room.
TOM: I may look like an empty room, but I am really the dining room
incarnate!
However, tables and
chairs rose from the floor section, and I dined with them after humbly and
repectfully listening to a prayer Alna said in the Universal Tongue.
TOM: Which, as every good STtNG fan knows, is English.
The food consisted of three different types, and a drink similar to apricot
nectar was enjoyed.
CROW: [robotic voice] A good time was had by all.
There was little conversation during the meal, and when
all had almost finished Alna told me I could witness a dance performed by two
of the Space Brothers.
MIKE: Suddenly it's a drag ball.
TOM: This is 1957, Mike. How do you vogue to Buddy Holly?
This dance was most unusual and fast,
CROW: [old lady voice] I was getting really turned on.
during which
the two men passed a small object
ALL: EEEWWWWW!!
from one to the other, sometimes throwing
it in the air and catching it before it fell upon the floor.
TOM: And other times hiding their faces in shame when it shattered in a
million pieces.
I expressed my
thanks to Alna for allowing me to see this, and when we left the dining area
we moved down the hall to what obviously was an entertainment room where the
Brothers spent many relaxing hours. Many men were in the room,
CROW: [old lady voice] It was *heaven!*
MIKE: Crow, I let it slide once, but you're pushing your luck.
some sitting
at tables and others playing a game similar to our Shuffleboard. I was asked
if I would like to try the game,
TOM: Try it! Join us!
and after watching Alna I understood simply
how it was done.
A round colored disc about four inches in diameter was placed on the floor
in a particular square, and by mind power alone the disc was to move across
the floor to another particular square. This section of the floor was
electrically charged
TOM: I was *wondering* when the aliens would start experimenting on her.
and receptive to the thought waves leaving a person's
mind.
MIKE: Where else would thought waves come from?
CROW: Well...
MIKE: Crow, I don't really want an answer to that question.
Alna took a blue disc tht was handed to him and placed it on the floor
causing it to move a considerable distance. Then I was handed a red disc and
asked to try. I was doubtful if it would work for me, and the only thing I
could think of was to silently command the disc to "Go.":
CROW: [deep voice] You're still using childish words of power, Garion.
MIKE: You know, that's a really random colon there.
I was amazed when
the disc moved slowly up the floor, but quite some distance from that of
Alna's. When I glanced at my watch
CROW: Well, shuffleboard's been great, but I gotta run.
and noticed it had stopped, it brought
Alna's attention
TOM: ...away from the young, prancing men...
MIKE: Tom...
and he said for this time he felt I shoud not be held up
longer from my other activities, and that a second trip would be longer.
MIKE: I thought the second trip was usually shorter.
It
was then that he took my watch and placed it in a small machine in the first
control section and then set it for me, obtraining the proper time from a
scope that contained many symbols and crossed lines on it.
TOM: Weave a circle 'round him thrice...
Then with Zelas and Benen I returned to the craft receiving room and
entered again a smaller craft with them. I do not know exactly what series
of air locks the craft enter and leave the mother craft,
CROW: Mother, I'm leaving this air lock to you.
but there was a
large dark section upon the floor in the receiving room and as we entered
the smaller craft to leave Zelas pointed it out and told me that was the area
where the craft left. The trip back was quick and short,
TOM: This woman just *loves* synonyms, doesn't she?
and as we drove
back to St. Louis I recounted in my mind all the things I had seen.
MIKE: Mary remembered all that was said, and treasured these things up in
her heart.
Being
alone, I wanted to be able to tell anyone else as much as I could; however,
we decided that we would not then tell everyone else of our experiences until
we had enought information to relay to the public.
CROW: Is she using the royal "we" there? I thought she said she was alone.
Last year at Buck's
Convention
TOM: [robot voice] Beedee-beedee...Hi Buck!
we were called upon to speak, but we were neither prepared nor
expecting that we would be called upon for a speech. I did, however, say a
few words and since that time we have delivered several lectures to various
groups.
CROW: On what? The alien art of shuffleboard?
(JW I wonder if they are talking about Buck Nelson's Convention. He has been
dead for a long time.)
TOM: Oh, well then I guess not.
Part 2.
MIKE: Scene iv.
Source Of Information: UFO UNIVERSE. SUMMER, 1994.
CROW: Wasn't that a chapter in _The Martian Chronicles_?
John Winston.
TOM: Let's go, guys.
MIKE: You know, that didn't really hurt that much, did it?
o...2...3...4...5...6
[sol]
MIKE: Well guys, it seems like the posts are getting less painful.
TOM: Yeah, even though this one consisted entirely of pointless description
of the Space People's eating and gaming habits, it wasn't really that
bad.
CROW: Yeah, we can take anything the mads send us!
TOM: Yeah!
MIKE: Yeah! What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
DR F.: I think that you haven't read the last three parts of this series
yet, laughing boy. The pain may be slow in coming, but it *will* be
fatal.
[Dr F. and Frank start laughing evilly. Finally Frank stops.]
FRANK: Um, your Evilness...
DR F.: [still laughing] Yes, Frank?
FRANK: *We* haven't actually read the last three parts.
DR F.: [stopping] Shut up Frank, and push the button.
[click]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all associated names and trademarks are the
sole property of Best Brains, Inc., copyright 1994. This is not an attempt
to infringe upon that ownership in any way, nor is it intended as a personal
attack on Mr. John Winston, although he makes himself *such* an easy target.
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this MiSTing written by Eric "Darkwing" Simon, June 1994
>I was doubtful if it would work for me, and the only thing I could think
of was to silently command the disc to "Go.":
--
dark...@merle.acns.nwu.edu
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"You'll have to forgive me. I have a memory like a...like a...what are those
things you drain rice in? What am I talking about?