A short subject MSTing
roun...@my-deja.com
of work onto the public screen for ridicule.
The format is Season 6 (Mike, the Bots, Dr. F. and Frank). I didn't
write any host segments or skits for this; I was mainly trying my hand
at riffing and the handling of the on-screen characters.
Just a little hunk of spam I received from an online mortgage
refinancing company. Let me know what you think.
Roundback
START OF MSTING
>Received from: m5...@mail.com
>It is that time of year again and we extend our holiday wishes.
TOM: Happy Lent!
MIKE: Happy Valentine's Day!
CROW: Happy Sneak Some Zucchini Under Your Neighbor's Porch Night!
>Our service could be of great use to you by offering you the
>lowest rate mortgage products available.
MIKE: We have mortgage t-shirts, mortgage beer coozies, even mortgage
paperweights...
>We will help you find
CROW: A new way to part yourself from your disposable income.
>the extra money you need or for others we can save you money
>by refinancing your home. Our service is free and you are under
>no obligation at all.
TOM: We're doing this because we really LOVE people. Oh, sure, we may
starve, but we don't care! Free mortgages for EVERYBODY!
>Some of the things you could do with this money.
MIKE: Buy a friend.
TOM: Throw it down a rat hole and wait for the interest.
CROW: One word: pimentoes!
>Debt consolidation- Consolidate all your bills for one easy low
>interest manageable payment
TOM: Equal to your monthly income.
>Home Improvement- Add that extra room for the new family member
MIKE: Or just panel over that spot in the basement where you walled in
your victims.
>or add on that addition or underground pool.
CROW: Maybe I'm missing something, but wouldn't that be a little hard to
use?
MIKE: On the other hand, you'd never have to water the grass.
>Business Startup- Use your homes equity for a business expenses
TOM: Like those expenditures for your 'personal secretary' that the
Accounting department keeps making inquiries about.
>Refinance- Save thousands by refinancing and obtaining a lower rate.
CROW: Spend thousands on our refinancing fees!
MIKE: Some of us only DREAM of breaking even.
>Vacation- Go on that month long dream vacation
ALL: Dream on!
>Whatever your needs we can help
MIKE: I need non-chafing elastic in my briefs.
TOM: I need a ladder made of dry ramen noodles.
CROW: I need a yak.
> all you need to do is fill out our simple form:
TOM: 1. Name:
End of form.
>Please fill out the entire form as only completed forms can be
>contacted.
MIKE: If you send an incompleted form, our team of crack form officials
will attempt to discern form-filler-outter intent by looking for dimpled
chads.
TOM & CROW: I demand a re-form!
>Applicant Name:
CROW: How did HE know my name was Applicant?
TOM: I thought your name was Occupant.
CROW: That's just my mailing address.
>Address:
TOM: The world's.
CROW: A place that's worn.
TOM: A sad pun that reflects a sadder mess.
MIKE: I hope SOMEbody picks that reference up...
>City, State:
TOM: I, state your city..
MIKE & CROW: (repeating) I, state your city...
>Zip Code:
>Phone:
MIKE: Pool. Pets.
TOM: Yeah, but have you got cigarettes?
MIKE: No, I smoke old stogies I have found.
CROW: Oy, TMBG followed up by Roger Miller...
>Best Time to Contact You:
TOM: Full moon nights.
MIKE: Solar eclipses.
CROW: During Halley's Comet visits.
>Property Type (Place an x in the appropriate box)
> [ ] Single Family Residence
MIKE: How can you be single AND a family?
> [ ] Condominiums
CROW: I forget; am I allowed to make this joke?
MIKE: Might as well let it go by, now.
> [ ] Town House
TOM: It used to be a City House, but it moved to the suburbs.
CROW: Why, yes. I DO live in a Keebler cracker box.
> [ ] Investment Property
CROW: Hey, Mike! Is this like that swampland in Florida that guy sold
you?
MIKE: Hey, some day that will be desirable resort property.
TOM: Once the half-life of that nuclear waste dump has expired.
>Purchase Price:
MIKE: It came with the Cracker Jacks.
>Purchase Year:
MIKE: I can buy a whole YEAR?
CROW: Ooo! Ooo! I want 1966!
>Present Value of Property:
TOM: (drill sergeant) HOW...WHA! RAAAH FAY! PRE-sent VALUE!
>Amount Owed on First Mortgage:
TOM: I'm trying to figure the interest rate...
CROW: How many chickens DO you get for a goat, today?
MIKE: I think Greenspan's gonna make a statement on that, tomorrow.
>Current Interest Rate on First:
TOM: Easily beating the throw from Ramirez in center field. Nice little
bloop single moves the runner over.
>Monthly Payment:
TOM: This thing, again...wasn't it four goats and a pig, last month?
MIKE: No, that was February. Last month, it was a cow, two goats and six
chickens.
TOM: Oh, yeah. The balloon payment.
>Credit History (Place an x the appropriate box)
> [ ] Excellent
> [ ] Good
> [ ] Fair
> [ ] Poor
TOM: Abysmal.
MIKE: Horrific.
CROW: Clinically dead.
>Years with Current Employer:
TOM: Three.
>Yearly Income:
TOM: Three.
>Type of Loan Desired:
CROW: The kind with no interest, that you never have to pay back.
MIKE: I'd settle for one that didn't include men without necks
threatening to move my kneecaps.
> [ ] Debt Consolidation
> [ ] Refinance
> [ ] Home Improvement
> [ ] Home Equity Line of Credit
> [ ] Refinance with Cash Out
>
>Loan Amount Desired:
TOM: (nervously). Uh, a...quarter? (quickly) But I'm not in love with
that figure...I could take less...
> [ ] $20,000-$35,000
> [ ] $35,000-$50,000
> [ ] $50,000-$75,000
> [ ] $75,000-$100,000
> [ ] $100,000-$150,000
> [ ] $150,000-$200,000
> [ ] $200,000-$300,000
> [ ] $300,000-$400,000
> [ ] $400,000-$500,000
> [ ] $500,00 or Higher
TOM: So the highest loan you can get is five hundred hundred?
MIKE: No, I think it's five hundred dollars. Is that a comma?
CROW: This spam mail has probably reached several THOUSAND
twelve-year-olds, and millions more people who act like them. How many
requests do you think they're going to get for ANYTHING but the highest
amount?
>Thank you for taking the time to fill out an application,
>You will be contacted shortly with your quote.
CROW: Here is your quote: "Confucius say pickle make squishy bookmark."
MIKE: "Cry havoc! And let slip the dogs of war!"
TOM: "You may have come on no bicycle, but that does not mean you know
everything."
(pause, while MIKE and CROW stare at him) Or was that too obscure?
MIKE: No, no, Tom. I bet literally dozens of people in the world will
get that reference.
TOM: And you think Roger Miller has a huge internet fan club?
>To be removed follow the above link and there are instructions on the
>web page for removal from further mailings.
TOM: Step 1: Give us your home address.
MIKE: Step 2: Give us your savings account number.
CROW: Step 3: Tell us when your spouse is home alone.
END OF MSTING.
I know: not every line's a winner. I'm going for overall, here. If I am
deemed proficient with short subjects, I'll move on to some fanfics I've
been saving up.
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