[MSTied] "Constitution"
Rei Nakazawa
post I found spammed on (among other places) alt.ql.creative. The host
segments are a tad long for a post of its size, but I figured that if I'm
gonna test my writing skills, why not show off as much as possible? <g>
If you like it, let me know, and if you want to help me out with the much
longer MSTing I'm working on, again, let me know. Thanks!
(And, BTW, I plead guilty on not using the dibs list. My sincere apologies.)
[Title sequence. 6...5...4...3...2...1...@]
[SOL. Mike and the Bots are standing in their usual places.]
MIKE: Hi, everyone. Dr. Forrester called us early, said it was urgent.
CROW: Yeah, right, like we'd care. [Mad's light flashes.] Whoops,
Archie and Edith are calling! [Mike pushes button.]
[Deep 13. Dr. F. looks nervous and worried, glancing over his shoulder
every few seconds. Only his face is visible.]
DR. F: I can't talk long; I'm in real trouble.
[SOL]
MIKE: What's wrong?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: It's my mother.
MRS. F [calling off stage, slowly and eerily]: Clayton...
[SOL]
TOM: What, she telling you that the girl in your motel is no good for you?
[All snicker]
[Deep 13]
MRS. F [off stage, as before]: Clayton...
DR. F: Very funny. She slipped this morning and hit her head. And it's...
done something to her. It's terrifying. Horrible!
MRS. F [emerging with a giant lollipop and a sweet smile]: Clayton, there
you are, my dear sweet boy! [Camera pulls back to show Dr. F wearing a little
boy's striped shirt, shorts, and a propeller beanie.]
DR. F: She's become... [shudders] a MOTHER.
MRS. F: How's my little boy, huh? [pinches Dr. F's cheek, much to his chagrin]
How about some candy?
DR. F [growling]: Mother, I don't want candy.
MRS. F: But all widdle growing boys like candy! Here! [sticks lollipop into
Dr. F's mouth.
[SOL]
[Everyone's laughing. Even Gypsy and Magic Voice. Cambot's shaking
hysterically, as Mike and the Bots alternately point and laugh]
[Deep 13. An angry Dr. F spits the lollipop out.]
DR. F: Just for that, I now have time to send you today's post. It's called
"Constitution", with many accusations, many suggestions, but not quite
as many proofs, and even less sense. Even better, it was posted on dozens
of newsgroups from alt.privacy to alt.ql.creative to alt.radio.uk! Swallow
HARD, children!
MRS. F: Which reminds me, Clayton, it's time for your cod liver oil!
DR. F: Mother! I don't wanna!
[Mrs. F. takes out a large bottle and a spoon and attempts to shove it
into her son's mouth.]
MRS. F [cooing]: But Claytie-waitie, it's for your own good!
DR. F [trying to run, gagging]: Mother, come back to me, please!
[SOL]
ALL: "Claytie-waitie"??? [All begin laughing uproariously again.]
[Pandemonium]
MIKE: We've got Usenet sign! [scatter, still giggling]
[@...1...2...3...4...5...6..]
[Mike and the Bots enter. Mike sets Tom down in his seat.]
In article <4jbk4i$l...@opal.southwind.net>, <la...@southwind.net> wrote:
TOM: Gee, I sure feel sorry for Dr. Forrester.
MIKE: You're kidding.
TOM: You're right. I am. [giggles]
>ESTABLISHING THE NEW WORLD ORDER IN AMERICA
CROW: I like Iteration X better, though.
>Federal Regionalism, mechanism establishing the `new world order' in
>America,
MIKE: Ignoring things like `grammar', `netiquette', and `common sense'.
> seeks to dissolve county and state governments, merge fifty
>sovereign states into ten Federal Regions,
TOM: Hey, if it means that New Jersey wouldn't exist, I'm all for it!
> transfer political power to
>Undersecretaries Group for Regional Operations in Washington,
>administer affairs of citizens through network of Federal Regions and
>state planning districts, seize control of
>land-production-commerce-industry-transportation-communication,
CROW: -law-enforcement-regulation-tax-collecting-fast-food-cooking-Alexandra-
Paul-ogling-[deep breath]gopher-munching-Doom-playing...
MIKE: Enough, Crow.
CROW: Hey, wait a minute, do I *need* to breathe?
> change
>form of government from one of elected officials to one of appointed
>agents and reduce Americans to status of economic serfs.
MIKE: And we aren't already?
> (Proof
>available)
TOM: In the form of President Clinton's garbage and an old X-Files episode.
>Remedy to conspiracy of Federal Regionalism is at hand. Needed are
>motivated citizens
MIKE: Who know proper English.
> to participate in the program. Begin by reposting
>this alert to your personal computer network.
TOM: Don't worry about the flames, the shutdown of your account, the
cries of "spammer". They're just puppets of The Man, envious of your
keen insight!
>Tactical operations lead to adoption of county resolution empowering
>the state to investigate impact of regional operations on its
>citizens.
>
>Objective is passage of state law,
CROW: The Proper Grammar and Proofreading Act.
> "To Provide for Enforcement of the
>United States Constitution with Regard to Federal Regionalism" -
>includes criminal sanctions for violators (Model state statute
>available).
>
>CITIZENS, source of all
MIKE: Soylent Green.
> political power, are responsible for
>instructing elected officials in their state to confine functions of
>government to limitations defined in the Constitution (Implementing
>details available).
>
>COUNTIES, building blocks of the American political system, are
>responsive to their constituencies
CROW: That's it, I don't have to read any further. This guy IS a crackpot!
> when informed of the facts behind
>`regionalism' (Model county resolution available).
>
>STATES are
TOM: Only played on your turn, and, unlike Magic's enchantments, can
be turned.
> Principals under the constitutional contract, having
>created the Federal Government by
TOM: Years of toxic waste dumping?
MIKE: Constitutional documents that read like _Finnegan's Wake_?
CROW: Election of Chris Farley, Bob Saget, and Wile E. Coyote?
> the first three articles of the
>Constitution, and have authority to correct violations of the
>Constitution by their Legislative, Executive and Judicial agents in
>Washington.
>
>Informed citizens with a plan of action
CROW: Don't write posts like this.
> can induce county/state
>officials to restore freedoms of person and property guaranteed to you
>by the Constitution.
>
>a. Investigate the legality of regional operations in county and state
>governments (Model state bill directing investigation available).
MIKE: You know, I built a model state bill directing investigation
for a science fair project when I was in elementary school. But it
was beaten by Jimmy Revestir's real working nuclear power plant.
>b. Adopt a state statute outlawing `regionalism' operations within
>state borders (Model state statute available).
CROW: So if the Federal government is trying to take over control of
the states, a state statute will stop them?
>c. Initiate charges of criminal syndicalism against principals and
>participants in the regional governance conspiracy to overthrow the
>Constitution.
TOM [E.G. Robinson]: You'll never get me for regional government
conspiracy, see? Nyah! Nyah!
>This program is viewable in electronic magazine format, Committee to
>Restore the Constitution home page: http://www.fortnet.org/~comminc
>
>THE SILENT REVOLUTION OF FEDERAL REGIONALISM - A SOLUTION
>(Parts 1, 2, & 3)
MIKE: Part 1: An Inspector Calls!
TOM: Part 2: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of MURDER!
CROW: Part 3: Porky's Revenge!
>Part 1. "Council of State Governments" with "County Resolution
>Rejecting Regional Government"
>
>Part 2. "Federal Regionalism - A Socialist America in Your Lifetime"
>
>Part 3. "Characteristics of Government" with "State Bill to Provide
>for Enforcement of the Constitution with Regard to Federal
>Regionalism"
MIKE: You know it's bad when your serious political tracts have titles
that sound like business seminars.
CROW: Or graduate term papers.
>Program also available in print or on disk for uploading to computer
>and downloading to BBS in your area. (Specify Macintosh or IBM)
>
>ELEMENTS OF PROOF:
TOM: The DEFINITIVE how-to on uncovering massive government conspiracies by
Strunk and White!
> A plot to overthrow the Constitution and erect a
>centralized, soviet-style government on ruins of the Republic:
>Public Law 90-577 "Intergovernmental Cooperation Act" 16 October
>1968
TOM [sarcastically]: So the same Federal Government that thought up this
mysteriously complex plot to take over control of the nation outlined it
in PUBLIC DOCUMENTS?
CROW: Not even Krychek would be _that_ stupid!
>Executive Order #11647 "Federal Regional Councils" 12 February 1972
>(violation Article IV, Section 3, "...nor any State be formed by the
>Junction of two or more States...."
CROW: But then again, most of the Midwest is just like one state, anyway.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Never mind.
>"Statement by the President on Restructuring Government Service
>Systems" 27 March 1969
>
>Executive Order #11731 "Amending Executive Order #11647 relating to
>Federal Regional Councils" 25 July 1975
>
>Executive Order #11490 "Assigning Emergency Preparedness Functions to
>Federal Departments and Agencies" 30 October 1969
TOM [even MORE sarcasm]: Ooooh, God FORBID they use an entity with
central authority and money to prepare for emergencies! [shakes visibly]
CROW: Mike, I think Tom's Sarcasm Sequencer is overloading again.
MIKE: I think you're right... [begins tinkering with Tom]
>All of these acts are in violation of Article IV, section 4
CROW: The Party Naked Amendment!
> ".... the
>United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a
>Republican (representative) form of government..."
[Mike finishes tinkering.]
MIKE: Better, ol' buddy?
TOM: Yeah, thanks, Mike.
>The safety of the state begins with you.
MIKE: The power is YOURS!
TOM: You know we'll have to kill you for that, don't you, Mike?
> Decide now to participate in
>the mission to restore freedoms of person and property guaranteed to
>you by the Constitution.
TOM: Start by defeating the spammers who subject you against your will to
their diatribes and advertisements!
MIKE & CROW: [cheer] Freedom forever! Whoo!
> Defeat mattoids leading America into the
>twilight zone of national oblivion, and your children into a socialist
>animal farm.
TOM: Use your States Power Sword to fight your way through eight levels
of heart pounding action to defeat the evil Queen Mattoid and save the world!
>Archibald E Roberts, LtCol, AUS,
MIKE: We can make him stronger. Faster. Better.
> ret, Director
>COMMITTEE TO RESTORE THE CONSTITUTION, Inc
>Post Office Box 986 Fort Collins CO 80522
CROW: Visa, Mastercard, and letter bombs accepted.
>e-mail: com...@mail.fortnet.org home page:
>http://www.fortnet.org/~comminc
CROW: Well, I'm NOT "comminc" there! [Mike picks up Tom]
TOM: And we are outta here! [All leave theatre]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...@]
[All are in usual places behind desk.]
CROW: Y'know, Mike, with all these government conspiracy posts we've
read, it's hard to keep track of everything.
TOM: Then you're in luck, my friend! I've created a simplified chart
that explains everything! Mike, if you could...
MIKE: Huh? Oh, right. [reaches behind desk and brings out a huge chart.
It's filled with bubbles with writing in them and a seemingly random
hodgepodge of arrows.]
TOM: You see, the government is trying to overthrow the power of the
states via the mental ablities of telepaths that the CIA has been training.
They were created with the help of the Reticulan Greys, who are really
Atlanteans who escaped Earth after the dinosaur empire was wiped out
by a space virus brought by a comet. Now, the FBI (could you fold out the
chart, Mike?) had Spielberg produce ET to signal the Greys that they could
invade, not knowing that the KKK had made a deal with the Mafia to...
[Mad's light flashes.]
CROW [greatly relieved]: Hey, Dr. Forrester is calling!
MIKE [just as relieved]: Yeah, let's find out how Mrs. Forrester is doing...
TOM [oblivious]: But they didn't know about the EEC plot to subvert
America with subliminal messages in _Absolutely Fabulous_ reruns...
[Mike quickly pushes the light]
[Deep 13. Mrs. F. is standing in the middle of the room, holding a
sailor suit on a hanger]
MRS. F: Clayton? Clayton? It's time to get dressed to go to Jenny
Klinghoffer's piano recital! [pauses to listen] Clayton, afterwards
we can go to the Klinghoffer's house and have chocolate pudding!
[Dr. F, in lab coat again, sneaks up behind his mom with his Akane
Tendo brand (tm) mallet from the openers.] Clayton? Come on out
and give your mommy a nice big kiss! [In horror, Dr. F raises the
mallet and hits his mom on the head. She goes reeling.]
DR. F: Mother?
MRS. F [holding her head]: Clayton Debra Susan Forrester, what in
HELL did you do that for! I always knew you were an ingrate, but this...!
DR. F [beaming]: Welcome back, mother!
MRS. F: Don't "welcome back, mother" me! I've raised you all these years
and what have you done to repay me? Nothing! I don't know why I bothered!
[Dr. F's smile fades] I have to do everything around here: cook, clean,
push the button... [heads towards button. Dr. F. follows, still carrying
the mallet.] And you never DID tell me what happened to that dear sweet
Frank... [Panicking and angry, Dr. F. raises the mallet again just as she
pushes the button.]
<FWOOSH!>
MRS. F [sounding very... familiar]: Boy, my head sure hurts for some reason,
Steve.
DR. F: Hmmm. Now THIS has possibilities!
Credits:
MSTing entirely by me, Rei Nakazawa
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
No insult or personal attack to any individuals or groups is intended
or should be inferred either, though as a rule, spamming to inappropriate
newsgroups is a tad annoying.
> Defeat mattoids leading America into the
>twilight zone of national oblivion, and your children into a socialist
>animal farm.
Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa
What do you think, sirs? (Or "dear," if Christine is reading... ;>)