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MiSTing: book ads 3/3
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a.ca...@genie.geis.com
Sep 27, 1995, 3:00:00 AM9/27/95
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[Continued from part 3. We're back in the theater.]
Mike: Here comes the penalty kick. Y'know, we'd be done by now if you
two could just keep your mouths shut.
>SELF CONTROL
Mike: Exactly! That's what you two need. Self con... hey, who said that?
>Not Gun Control
>Jacket Copy
Crow: Keep this in the pocket of your jacket. Right next to your semi-
automatic.
>
>This is not a diet book.
Tom: Wait, wait, no more clues! Umm... is it known for its work in the
theater? Is it bigger than a breadbox? If I were on a date with it, what
would it do to me?
>
>This book asks the question, "How much power should you have to control your
>own life?"
Mike: And that's all. Eleven words. It's a very short book.
Tom: Longer than SEINLANGUAGE, at least.
>
>Not just any writer could begin to answer so profound a question but J. Neil
>Schulman has
Tom: --such a big ego that he's pretty sure he can.
Crow: Hey, lay off! If he weren't an earthshaking intellectual presence
would he be able to pull off that pretentious first initial? I don't think
so, buddy!
>already won some impressive fans for his previous books.
>
>In 1979, _A Clockwork Orange_
Mike: --was still playing in a small theater in Skokie, Illinois. It wasn't
a big box-office draw, however, having already been out for eight years.
>author Anthony Burgess wrote of Schulman's
>first novel,
Tom: "I don't think Stanley Kubrick's going to be calling any time soon.
You don't have to keep hanging around by the phone, Neil."
Crow: That's =J.= Neil.
>"I received _Alongside Night_ at noon today. It is now eight in
>the evening and I just finished it.
Tom: "Now will you please put that gun away? I've done everything you've
asked!"
>I think I am entitled to some dinner now
>as I had no lunch.
Mike: "I think I'll begin with a bowl of soup, perhaps French Onion with
that delightful cheese melted on the top. Then I believe I'll enjoy a
small Caesar salad, before a main course of veal medallions in a lovely
Bernaise sauce. And then there are beverages to consider..." Umm, it
goes on like that for a while. Let's skip a bit.
>The unputdownability of the book ensured that.
Crow: "Unputdownability"... is that more of that wacky Nadsat stuff?
Mike: Nah. It's probably just more of the Buttheadization of American
culture.
>It is a
>remarkable and original story, and the picture it presents of an inflation-
>crippled America on the verge of revolution is all too acceptable.
Crow: Some books are exquisite masterpieces, which keep engaging readers
with new levels of complexity every time through. Others are sweeping
epics, of a freshness and scope to capture the reader's imagination and
transport the audience to a new world of wonder. This book is acceptable.
>I wish,
>and so will many novelists, that I, or they, had
Tom: --decided never to publish a thing, so people wouldn't keep making us
read crap like this.
>thought of the idea first.
>A thrilling novel, crisply written, that fires the imagination as
>effectively as
Crow: --George Steinbrenner fires Yankee managers.
>it stimulates the feelings."
Tom: Yeah, of nausea.
>
>In 1983,
Mike: --the owners of that theater in Skokie had finally realized that A
CLOCKWORK ORANGE just wasn't filling the seats anymore. But there was
nothing they could do -- it was the only film they had.
>science-fiction great Robert A. Heinlein told the chairman of the
>Prometheus Awards that
Crow: --he'd never heard of them before.
>Schulman's _The Rainbow Cadenza_ was a wonderful novel
>which he hoped would win.
Mike: Needless to say, he'd had a few.
>
>It did.
>
Tom: The other nominees were the screenplay to RED ZONE CUBA and a picture
of a cat done in crayon by an auteur known only as "Billy."
>And, in 1994, Charlton Heston
Crow: --still wasn't dead yet. Millions were puzzled.
>called Schulman's _Stopping Power: Why 70
>Million Americans Own Guns_, "the most cogent explanation of the
>gun issue I have yet read."
Mike: He also kept muttering something about Soylent Green being made from
people. We're thinking of having him committed.
>
>_SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control_ is J. Neil Schulman's magnum opus
Tom: Am I the only one picturing a penguin wearing a Tigers cap and trading
banter with Higgins?
>on both current controversies and timeless questions,
Crow: As well as the part where he spends 150 pages listing his favorite
episodes of "Growing Pains".
Mike: Now, Crow, be fair. 23 of those pages were about "Just the Ten of
Us".
Crow: Spinoffs count.
>and he hits whatever he targets
>with magnum force,
Crow: Whee. A gun metaphor.
Tom: Did I mention he likes guns? Man, does he like guns! Sometimes he'll
spend five, six hours a day just shooting anything he sees out his car
window.
Mike: Sort of like Hal Warren.
>whether it's guns,
Crow: And it usually is.
Tom: Did I mention he likes guns? Man, does--
Mike: Yes, you mentioned he likes guns.
>revolution,
Mike: He's still ticked about that whole thing with the Nike ads.
>New Age thinking, liberal
>hate speech, his vision of "The Coming Golden Age,"
Crow: When Ted Nugent is president, all the wimpy pacifists have been shot,
and everywhere you look -- free ammo!
>or 226 words which give
>us "The Meaning of Life."
Tom: Oddly, 217 of them rhyme with "Nantucket".
>
>Schulman explains how to find out if God exists.
Tom: Turns out you just call this 900 number. At $4.95 the first minute and
$1.95 each additional minute, it's a great way to learn the answer to one
of humanity's great philosophical debates! Children under 18, get your
parents' permission before calling.
>He tells President Clinton
>what's wrong with his entire philosophy of government.
Crow: "It's bad."
>He shows why America's
>two major parties are the "Mommy Party" and the "Daddy Party."
Mike: Neil can't seem to keep his crackpot politics and his Freudian issues
separate anymore. It's really kind of sad.
>
>For those who found in _Stopping Power_ a rational explanation of gun
>ownership,
Crow: --we suggest a long vacation. Maybe a cruise. A nice, relaxing
cruise. You'll come home with a whole new perspective on things.
>this book examines why guns are at the front line of America's
>culture war.
Mike: Because when you put them in the back you wind up shooting everything
in between.
>
>With wit and insight, _SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control_
Crow: --might have been a halfway decent book. Tragically, it lacks both.
>shows that "if you can not, may not, or do not exercise
Tom: --then no amount of dieting will help you lose that last fifteen
pounds. It's all about metabolism!
>the power to control your own life, someone
>else must and will."
Mike: I'm betting on Bill Gates.
>
>SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control
>by J. Neil Schulman
>
>Publisher: Synapse--Centurion
>Price: $24.95 U.S.; $32.95 Canada
Crow: Which seems like a lot, but in Canadian money it's about a buck fifty.
>Publication Date: November 30, 1995
>Approx. Shipping Date: Oct. 15, 1995
Tom: So first they ship the books, then they get around to publishing them.
Makes sense.
Mike: Don't nitpick. It says it's approximate. The actual shipping date'll
be sometime between October 15, 1995 and the end of the Cenozoic Era.
>ISBN: 1-882639-05-7
>Library of Congress Catalog Number: 95-74682
Crow: Thank you, sir. May I have another?
Tom: Don't push your luck. I think it's over. Let's go home, Debbie.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
Crow: Mike, why do people learn to read?
Mike: What a silly question! Why, reading opens up a whole new world of
imagination and whimsy and wonder--
Crow: And crap.
Tom: And crappy ads =promoting= crap.
Crow: I've decided that the entire publishing industry is a wholly-owned
subsidiary of Crapco, Inc.
Mike: I'm sure it seems that way to you, but your perspective is skewed.
You only see what Dr. Forrester sends us. It's really kind of tragic.
Literature has so much to offer us, but we'll never get to enjoy any of
it as long as it's being filtered through the twisted mind of Clayton
Forrester.
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: That's =J.= Clayton Forrester to you, Nelson. Wish I could stay and
chat, but I'm expecting a call. I just sent my manuscript to Anthony
Burgess and I'm sure he'll get back to me any minute now.
[SOL]
Mike: Um, didn't Anthony Burgess die in 1993 or thereabouts? I seem to
remember reading something about that...
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: What? WHAT?? Dead?! No, he can't be dead! Oh well. At least I
still have Robert Heinlein to recommend me for that Prometheus Award
(whatever that is...)
[SOL]
Mike: Actually, I'm pretty sure he's dead too.
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: No! NOOOOO!! It's so unfair! I can't take it anymore! [reaches
into overcoat, produces enormous machine gun] Time to go out a-blazin'!
Seventy million gun-toting menaces to society can't be wrong! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM--
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
MST3K and all its characters, etc., are Copyright 199x Best Brains. I'm
not a Best Brain. On a good day I'm barely even an Above Average Brain. This
MiSTing is in no way endorsed by Best Brains. It may be distributed freely
as long as it's in its entirety and this notice is intact.
MiSTed by Adam Cadre, a.ca...@genie.com (or maybe a.ca...@genie.geis.com,
I'm not entirely sure), September 1995. Any comments, questions, remarks,
laments, retorts, rebukes or recriminations are more than welcome.
>You'll get straight advice about what mistakes not to make. How to
>prepare yourself in your mind and in your practical life. How to hide
>your money.
Mike: Here comes the penalty kick. Y'know, we'd be done by now if you
two could just keep your mouths shut.
>SELF CONTROL
Mike: Exactly! That's what you two need. Self con... hey, who said that?
>Not Gun Control
>Jacket Copy
Crow: Keep this in the pocket of your jacket. Right next to your semi-
automatic.
>
>This is not a diet book.
Tom: Wait, wait, no more clues! Umm... is it known for its work in the
theater? Is it bigger than a breadbox? If I were on a date with it, what
would it do to me?
>
>This book asks the question, "How much power should you have to control your
>own life?"
Mike: And that's all. Eleven words. It's a very short book.
Tom: Longer than SEINLANGUAGE, at least.
>
>Not just any writer could begin to answer so profound a question but J. Neil
>Schulman has
Tom: --such a big ego that he's pretty sure he can.
Crow: Hey, lay off! If he weren't an earthshaking intellectual presence
would he be able to pull off that pretentious first initial? I don't think
so, buddy!
>already won some impressive fans for his previous books.
>
>In 1979, _A Clockwork Orange_
Mike: --was still playing in a small theater in Skokie, Illinois. It wasn't
a big box-office draw, however, having already been out for eight years.
>author Anthony Burgess wrote of Schulman's
>first novel,
Tom: "I don't think Stanley Kubrick's going to be calling any time soon.
You don't have to keep hanging around by the phone, Neil."
Crow: That's =J.= Neil.
>"I received _Alongside Night_ at noon today. It is now eight in
>the evening and I just finished it.
Tom: "Now will you please put that gun away? I've done everything you've
asked!"
>I think I am entitled to some dinner now
>as I had no lunch.
Mike: "I think I'll begin with a bowl of soup, perhaps French Onion with
that delightful cheese melted on the top. Then I believe I'll enjoy a
small Caesar salad, before a main course of veal medallions in a lovely
Bernaise sauce. And then there are beverages to consider..." Umm, it
goes on like that for a while. Let's skip a bit.
>The unputdownability of the book ensured that.
Crow: "Unputdownability"... is that more of that wacky Nadsat stuff?
Mike: Nah. It's probably just more of the Buttheadization of American
culture.
>It is a
>remarkable and original story, and the picture it presents of an inflation-
>crippled America on the verge of revolution is all too acceptable.
Crow: Some books are exquisite masterpieces, which keep engaging readers
with new levels of complexity every time through. Others are sweeping
epics, of a freshness and scope to capture the reader's imagination and
transport the audience to a new world of wonder. This book is acceptable.
>I wish,
>and so will many novelists, that I, or they, had
Tom: --decided never to publish a thing, so people wouldn't keep making us
read crap like this.
>thought of the idea first.
>A thrilling novel, crisply written, that fires the imagination as
>effectively as
Crow: --George Steinbrenner fires Yankee managers.
>it stimulates the feelings."
Tom: Yeah, of nausea.
>
>In 1983,
Mike: --the owners of that theater in Skokie had finally realized that A
CLOCKWORK ORANGE just wasn't filling the seats anymore. But there was
nothing they could do -- it was the only film they had.
>science-fiction great Robert A. Heinlein told the chairman of the
>Prometheus Awards that
Crow: --he'd never heard of them before.
>Schulman's _The Rainbow Cadenza_ was a wonderful novel
>which he hoped would win.
Mike: Needless to say, he'd had a few.
>
>It did.
>
Tom: The other nominees were the screenplay to RED ZONE CUBA and a picture
of a cat done in crayon by an auteur known only as "Billy."
>And, in 1994, Charlton Heston
Crow: --still wasn't dead yet. Millions were puzzled.
>called Schulman's _Stopping Power: Why 70
>Million Americans Own Guns_, "the most cogent explanation of the
>gun issue I have yet read."
Mike: He also kept muttering something about Soylent Green being made from
people. We're thinking of having him committed.
>
>_SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control_ is J. Neil Schulman's magnum opus
Tom: Am I the only one picturing a penguin wearing a Tigers cap and trading
banter with Higgins?
>on both current controversies and timeless questions,
Crow: As well as the part where he spends 150 pages listing his favorite
episodes of "Growing Pains".
Mike: Now, Crow, be fair. 23 of those pages were about "Just the Ten of
Us".
Crow: Spinoffs count.
>and he hits whatever he targets
>with magnum force,
Crow: Whee. A gun metaphor.
Tom: Did I mention he likes guns? Man, does he like guns! Sometimes he'll
spend five, six hours a day just shooting anything he sees out his car
window.
Mike: Sort of like Hal Warren.
>whether it's guns,
Crow: And it usually is.
Tom: Did I mention he likes guns? Man, does--
Mike: Yes, you mentioned he likes guns.
>revolution,
Mike: He's still ticked about that whole thing with the Nike ads.
>New Age thinking, liberal
>hate speech, his vision of "The Coming Golden Age,"
Crow: When Ted Nugent is president, all the wimpy pacifists have been shot,
and everywhere you look -- free ammo!
>or 226 words which give
>us "The Meaning of Life."
Tom: Oddly, 217 of them rhyme with "Nantucket".
>
>Schulman explains how to find out if God exists.
Tom: Turns out you just call this 900 number. At $4.95 the first minute and
$1.95 each additional minute, it's a great way to learn the answer to one
of humanity's great philosophical debates! Children under 18, get your
parents' permission before calling.
>He tells President Clinton
>what's wrong with his entire philosophy of government.
Crow: "It's bad."
>He shows why America's
>two major parties are the "Mommy Party" and the "Daddy Party."
Mike: Neil can't seem to keep his crackpot politics and his Freudian issues
separate anymore. It's really kind of sad.
>
>For those who found in _Stopping Power_ a rational explanation of gun
>ownership,
Crow: --we suggest a long vacation. Maybe a cruise. A nice, relaxing
cruise. You'll come home with a whole new perspective on things.
>this book examines why guns are at the front line of America's
>culture war.
Mike: Because when you put them in the back you wind up shooting everything
in between.
>
>With wit and insight, _SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control_
Crow: --might have been a halfway decent book. Tragically, it lacks both.
>shows that "if you can not, may not, or do not exercise
Tom: --then no amount of dieting will help you lose that last fifteen
pounds. It's all about metabolism!
>the power to control your own life, someone
>else must and will."
Mike: I'm betting on Bill Gates.
>
>SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control
>by J. Neil Schulman
>
>Publisher: Synapse--Centurion
>Price: $24.95 U.S.; $32.95 Canada
Crow: Which seems like a lot, but in Canadian money it's about a buck fifty.
>Publication Date: November 30, 1995
>Approx. Shipping Date: Oct. 15, 1995
Tom: So first they ship the books, then they get around to publishing them.
Makes sense.
Mike: Don't nitpick. It says it's approximate. The actual shipping date'll
be sometime between October 15, 1995 and the end of the Cenozoic Era.
>ISBN: 1-882639-05-7
>Library of Congress Catalog Number: 95-74682
Crow: Thank you, sir. May I have another?
Tom: Don't push your luck. I think it's over. Let's go home, Debbie.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
Crow: Mike, why do people learn to read?
Mike: What a silly question! Why, reading opens up a whole new world of
imagination and whimsy and wonder--
Crow: And crap.
Tom: And crappy ads =promoting= crap.
Crow: I've decided that the entire publishing industry is a wholly-owned
subsidiary of Crapco, Inc.
Mike: I'm sure it seems that way to you, but your perspective is skewed.
You only see what Dr. Forrester sends us. It's really kind of tragic.
Literature has so much to offer us, but we'll never get to enjoy any of
it as long as it's being filtered through the twisted mind of Clayton
Forrester.
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: That's =J.= Clayton Forrester to you, Nelson. Wish I could stay and
chat, but I'm expecting a call. I just sent my manuscript to Anthony
Burgess and I'm sure he'll get back to me any minute now.
[SOL]
Mike: Um, didn't Anthony Burgess die in 1993 or thereabouts? I seem to
remember reading something about that...
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: What? WHAT?? Dead?! No, he can't be dead! Oh well. At least I
still have Robert Heinlein to recommend me for that Prometheus Award
(whatever that is...)
[SOL]
Mike: Actually, I'm pretty sure he's dead too.
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: No! NOOOOO!! It's so unfair! I can't take it anymore! [reaches
into overcoat, produces enormous machine gun] Time to go out a-blazin'!
Seventy million gun-toting menaces to society can't be wrong! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM--
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
MST3K and all its characters, etc., are Copyright 199x Best Brains. I'm
not a Best Brain. On a good day I'm barely even an Above Average Brain. This
MiSTing is in no way endorsed by Best Brains. It may be distributed freely
as long as it's in its entirety and this notice is intact.
MiSTed by Adam Cadre, a.ca...@genie.com (or maybe a.ca...@genie.geis.com,
I'm not entirely sure), September 1995. Any comments, questions, remarks,
laments, retorts, rebukes or recriminations are more than welcome.
>You'll get straight advice about what mistakes not to make. How to
>prepare yourself in your mind and in your practical life. How to hide
>your money.
Natalie Welch
Oct 4, 1995, 3:00:00 AM10/4/95
to
Hey, shouldn't "McCloud" in that thane mini skit have been spelled
"MacLeod"? :)
"MacLeod"? :)
--
--Natalie Welch | "Do you expect me to talk?"
|
natw...@freenet.columbus.oh.us | "No, I expect you to *die*,
nwe...@tcc.oecn.ohio.gov | Mr. Bond!"
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