REPOST: MiSTing "The Odyssey" (pt.5)
Tjats
All MST3K-related characters are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
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Bridge of SOL-Mike is screwing Crow's lacrose net back on.
Crow: OW! Watch where you stuck that screwdriver!
Mike: Sorry, Crow.
Servo enters.
Servo: Well, Mike, ready for another person to visit from your past?
Mike[half-listening]: I guess...
Servo: Alright!
Servo fiddles with the time machine controlls and a bunch of smoke comes out.
Mike[over the noise]: Is it too tight, Crow?
Crow: Oh, no, Mike. It's just fine.
Mike: Okay.
Ortega pops out of the time machine.
Servo: What? Why, it's Ortega!
Mike: Oh, hi, Ortega! How've you been?
Ortega grunts.
Crow: How are the wife and kids?
Ortega nods and grunts reasuringly.
Movie Sign.
Mike, Servo, Crow: We've got Epic Sign!
Ortega grunts in a panicky tone.
6...5...4...3...2...1...
Mike, Servo, Crow, and Ortega enter the theater.
>He siezed and drained the bowl, and it went down
>so fiery and smooth he called for more:
>'Give me another, thank you kindly.
Servo: Isn't he supposed to say thank you after he gets the wine?
>Tell me,
>how are you called?
Mike[as Odysseus]: By phone.
The 'Bots laugh, Ortega makes a sort of grunting laugh.
>I'll make a gift will please you.
Servo: Huh?
Crow: I think Fitzy just skipped a few words in the translation.
>Even Cyclopes know the wine grapes grow
>out of grassland and loam in heaven's rain,
>but here's a bit of nectar and ambrosia!'
Servo: Huh?
Mike: Drink and food of the gods.
Servo: Oh.
>Three bowls I brought him, and he poured them down.
>I saw the fuddle and flush come over him,
Servo makes a toilet-flushing noise.
>then I sang out in cordial tones:
>
>'Cyclops, you ask my honorable name? Remember
>the gift you promised me, and I shall tell you.
Servo: So, if Odysseus tells him his name, he'll get a present?
Mike: I guess.
Servo: Yo! Cyclops dude! I'm Tom Servo!
Mike: Tom, shut up.
>My name is Nohbdy: mother, father, and friends,
>everyone calls me Nohbdy.'
Crow[as one of the crewmembers]: But, I thought your name was-
Mike[as another crewmember]: Shhh!
>And he said: 'Nohbdy's my meat, after I eat his friends.
>Others come first. There's a noble gift, now.'
Mike: I'd want to be taken first.
Ortega grunts in agreement.
>Even as he spoke, he reeled and tumbled backward,
>his great head lolling to one side; and sleep
>took him like any creature. Drunk, hiccuping,
>he dribbled
Mike[announcer]: past the defense, he's jumping, OH! Whatta dunk! The
Rockets are ahead by one, now...
>streams of liquor and bits of men.
Crow[as crewmember]: Hey! Look at this! I think I found Larry!
>
>Now, by the gods, I drove my bik hand spike
>deep in the embers, charring it
Servo: to a cinder.
>again,
>and cheered
Mike and 'Bots: Yaaaay!
>my men along with battle talk
>to keep their courage up: no quitting now.
>The pike of olive, green through it had been,
>reddened and glowed as if about to catch.
Crow: Catch what?
>I drew it
Mike: with my crayons.
>from the coals and my four fellows
>gave me a hand, lugging it near the Cyclops
>as more than natural force nerved them; straight
>forward they sprinted, lifted it, and rammed it
>deep in his crater eye, and I leaned on it
>turning it as a shipwright turns a drill
>in planking, having men below to swing
>the two-handled strap that spins it in the groove.
Mike: You know, I might actualy enjoy hearing this if I knew what the heck
Odysseus was saying.
>So with our brand we bored that great eye socket
>while blood ran around the red-hot bar.
>Eyelid and lash were seared; the pierced ball
>hissed broiling, and the roots popped.
Crow: So, is this the director's cut, or...?
>In a smithy one sees a white-hot axhead or an adze
>plunged and wrung in a cold tub, screeching steam-
>the way they make soft iron hale and hard-:
Servo: So, all of a sudden it's a Mideval Shop Class 101 textbook?
>just so that eyeball hissed around the spike.
>The Cyclops bellowed and the rock roared rund him,
>and we fell back in fear. Clawing his face
>he tugged the bloody spike out of his eye,
>threw it away, and his wild hwent groping;
>then he sent up a howl for Cyclopes
Crow[as little whiny kid]: Mommy! Those evil foreign guys poked my eye out!
Waaaaa!
>who lived in caves on windy peaks nearby.
>Some heard him; and they came by divers ways
>to clup around outside and call:
>
>'What ails you, Polyphemus?
Servo: So, we *finaly* hear this guy's name.
>Why do you cry so sore
>in the starry night? You will not let us sleep.
Crow[as little whiny kid]: Those mean guys hurt me! Waaaaa!
>Sure no man's driving off your flock?
Mike: In a chevy 4X4.
>No man
>has tricked you, ruined you?'
>
>Out of the cave the mammoth Polyphemus roared in answer:
>'Nohbdy, Nohbdy's tricked me, Nohbdy's ruined me!'
Servo: Poor dope.
>To this rough shout they made a sage reply:
>'A well, if nobody has played you foul
>there in your lonely bed, we are no use in pain
>given by great Zeus. Let it be your father,
>Poseidon Lord, to whom you pray.'
Mike: Uh, oh. Poseidon's gonna get Odysseus!
>So saying they trailed away. And I was filled with laughter
>to see how like a charm the name decieved them.
>Now, Cyclops, wheezing as the pain came on him,
>fumbled to wrench away the great doorstone
>and squatted in the breach with arms thrown wide
>for any silly beast or man who bolted-
>hoping somehow I might be such a fool.
>But I kept thinking how to win the game:
>death sat there huge; how could we slip away?
Crow: What idiots! They poked his eye out, and they *still* can't get away!
>I drew on
Mike: papyrus paper.
>all my wits, and ran through tactics,
Servo: How about running through the door?
>reasoning as a man will for dear life,
>untill a trick came-and it pleased me well.
>The Cyclops' rams were handsome, fat, with heavy
>fleeces,
Mike: He complimented *and* insulted the rams in three seconds!
>a dark violet.
Mike and 'Bots: Huh?
>Three abreast I tied them silently together, twining
>cords of willow from the ogre's bed
Crow: So, he's tying rams together?
Servo: Yep.
>then slung a man under each middle one
>to ride there safely, shielded left and right.
>So three sheep could convey each man. I took
>the wooliest ram, the choicest of the flock,
>and hung myself under his kinky belly,
Servo: So, saving the best for himself? Aren't the heroes supposed to be
*not* selfish?
>pulled up tight, with fingers twisted deep
>in sheepskin ringlets for an iron grip.
>So, breathing hard, we waited untill morning.
(commercial)
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e-mail tj...@aol.com
Jim, the Mistie, Trekker, X-Phile, comic freak(take your pick)
"Watch out for snakes!"
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