MSTed: Night of the Next Generation 7/14

[jnevins]

My MSTing: Worst of Both Worlds

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Mike: Sybil: The Tale of A Schizophrenic Tickertape.

>From: "Todd A. Bobenrieth" <TAB...@PSU.EDU>

Crow: Y'know, if you rearrange the letters in *Todd's* name,
you get "I'm a stinkybutt."
Mike: You do not!
Crow: Well, okay, I'm taking creative liberties here. But you
do get "Do not read the bib," which has to be
_some_ kind of warning.

>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

Tom: Y'know, I want to hurt this newsgroup, but I can never
hurt it as much as it's hurt me.
Mike: Don't blame the whole newsgroup for *Martin's*
shortcomings, Tom. That's not nice.
Tom: I have to hurt _someone_ for this, Mike.

>Subject: REPOST:Night of the Next Generaton (7/14)

Mike: You guys think you have it bad - imagine the poor
schmucks on alt.startrek.creative who had to read
this *twice*.

>Date: 27 Mar 1996 21:53:48 GMT
>Organization: TAMBOFILMS

Crow: (Stallone voice) Do we get to go to video this time?
Tom: Dammit, Tambo, this is *not* your personal film!

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Tom: *singing* Mozilla Godzilla for sale...

VII

CaptainsLog, Stardate 47343.2 - Several hours have passed now since

Mike: We started trying to read this story.
Tom: He said hours, Mike, not aeons.


our last contact with the away team. I am still debating on
whether or not to send a second team over as a rescue party.

Tom: (Picard voice) Our stocks of Cheez Whiz and E-Z Cheez are
running dangerously low, and Better Homes and
Gardens will soon be sending their inspection team
over for an unscripted part in the Hostess of the
Millenium Contest.

To do so would endanger more lives,

Crow: Oh, like *that's* ever mattered to you, Captain "I've
managed to lose Tasha Yar, Jim Kirk, Worf and
Riker, almost - not to mention the Stargazer"
Picard.

and, while I hate to think about it, there is no guarantee that the
away team is still alive. This is one of the hardest decisions I
have had to make since becoming Captain of the Enterprise,

Tom: Even tougher than my decision about joining Hair Club for
Men.

and one which I had hoped I woul never have to.

On a personal note, I have been feeling much weaker lately,

Mike: Which might have something to do with the regimen of
leeches Doctor Crusher has prescribed...

possibly caused by the dreams. If only Counselor Troi were here.

Tom: Yah, if only - we'd at least have something to look at.
Mike: Tom!
Tom: Geez - what am I saying? Sorry, guys - *Martin's*
attitude towards women is starting to affect me...

* * *

"Close log."

Crow: *singing* It's log, it's log, it's big, it's heavy, it's
wood...

The Captain sat on the sofa in his ready room. He had now been
awake for nearly two days,

Mike: Well, if he wanted to avoid pulling the all-nighter, he
should have done the work earlier in the semester.

and dark circles were beginning to form under his eyes.

Tom: Has Picard been into Troi's mascara kit again?

He dared not go to sleep as the dreams would come back; dreams he
awoke from in pols of sweat, and even sometimes vomit.

Crow: Geez - sounds like Charles Bukowski is Captain of the
Enterprise...

And to cap things off, his arm had changed from a mild itch to a
really bad ache.

Mike: What a wuss.

He stared blankly at the walls, rubbing it.

Tom: So he's rubbing the walls now? We're getting into a whole
weird area...

His comm-badge broke the trance.

Crow: Well, you'll never reach nirvana unless you leave the
things of the Enterprise behind...

"Emergency! Emergency in Sick Bay! Captain to Sick Bay!" It was
the frantic screams of Lieutenant Bowes.

Mike: (Picard voice) No, no, don't send for *Security* - why
should *they* be called in to handle an emergency?
No, call in good old Captain Picard - *he* can do
*everything*....

"On my way," called Picard.

Tom: *singing* I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my
way, taking my time to I don't know where....

He envsioned the creature somehow crashing through the examining
room doors into the main area.

Crow: A scene from Schwarzenegger's _Who's Afraid Of Virginia
Woolf_.
Tom: (Ah-nold voice) Don't talk about our son, Martha *makes
gunshot noises*

The Captain shot out of the ready room and entered the urbolift,
leaving the bridge crew standing, jaws agape.

Mike: Last time they saw him move that fast was to get his fan
mail.

It took him a little over a minute to reach his destination.
In Sick bay, the scene was chaos.

Tom: Kooky the Clown strike again!
Crow begins humming clown-comedy music.
Tom: You just *never* know where Kooky will show up next!

Phaser burns scarred every wall, tables had been overturned, and
the window to Dr. Crushers office shattered into a thousand pieces.

Crow: *singing* Sh-sh-sh-shattered

Two securiy officers were on the floor, bleeding profusely from
large gashes in their arms and legs.

Mike: I hate it when Green Day concerts go bad like this...

Over in the Corner he saw the reason.

Tom: Damn that Jack Horner, anyhow. Weren't the curds and whey
enough for him???

Dr. Crusher, Lieutenant Bowes, and the other two security members
were standing against the wall. Lieutenant Commander Data stood in
front of them.

Crow: Once more! With feeling, this time!

But it wasn' the creature that Data was protecting them from as
Picard was expecting.

Crow: It was...more groupies!

It was Nurse Bannister.
The nurse heard Picard enter and turned to face him.

Crow: (guttural hellbeast voice) What - you wanna piece of me,
baldy? C'mon, I'll take alla you on.

Her face was a sickly blue and her skin was beginning to droop on
her bones.

Tom: (guttural hellbeast voice) Hey, lay off - this is what
Stewart looks like before _his_ makeup job. It
takes them three hours just to make him presentable
- and I'm dead!

Her mouth was dripping with blood, and from her teeth hung varius
pieces of flesh and veins.

Mike: (guttural hellbeast voice) I was hungry - gimme a break!
Ever seen what _Worf_ looks like after he fasts? He
fresses like there's no tomorrow!

"Captain!" Data called. "You must seal the sick-bay doors before
the creature can get out!"

Crow: (Picard) OK, out you two undead go, through the door or
out the window!

Picard suddenly felt a wave of fright pass over him as the thing
stared him down.

Mike: The fright turned to longing...suddenly Picard felt
alive, alive in a way that he'd never felt before.
Looking into the limpid blue eyes of the undead
hellbeast, Picard knew that, at long last, he'd
found his life-mate.

He found he was paralyzed, unable to move a single part of his
body.

Crow: Well, except one...
Mike: *sighs* You're just making this harder on us all, Crow.
Crow: Not as hard as it is on Picard.
Mike: D'OH!

Nurse Bannister advanced on him.

Tom: I'd like to think this is the only time in any Trek
episode when a woman has made advances on Picard,
but I know it's just not so.
Crow: Maybe he's using the Force on Vash and Beverly - you
know, "You *wish* to find me attractive."

"Captain!"

Crow: Marvel?
Mike: Midnight?
Tom: America?
Crow: Wonder?
Mike: Ultra?
Tom: Captain?
Crow: Major?
Mike: Lieutenant?
Tom: Worf?
Crow: Beverly Crusher?
Mike: Wesley Crusher?
Tom: Jean-Luc Picard?
Crow: Deanna Troi?
Mike: Will Riker?
Tom: Miles O'Brien?
Crow: Zack Norman?
Mike: Sammy?
Tom: Chief Zabu?
Crow: McCloud!

yelled Data, but Picard just stood there as the creature
approached. She reached the Captain's position and opened her
mouth.

Mike: (guttural hellbeast voice) Hey, c'mere and give your
Aunt Ethel a big kiss! Look how much you've
*grown*!

Large chunks of flesh fell to the floor and blood sprayed across
his face

Crow: (annoying juvenile voice) Say it, don't spray it, huh
huh, whoo, huh huh...

as she gave what amassed to a war cry in a high screeching voice.

Tom: Rheingold! Rheingold! Rheingold!

Picard closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable.

Tom: Oh, good characterization there, *Martin*.

But the end didn't come.

Crow: The end is in your hands, *Martin*.

Instead the air was filled with a loud smackig sound.

Tom: A silly grin crept over Picard's face as he felt a
familiar tingling in his hinder.

The Captain cracked one eye and saw that Data had dislodged a chair
from the deck

Mike: Just like Data to throw chairs around the Lido Deck
when Julie turns him down...
Tom: Gotta wonder what Isaac thinks about this....

and had thrown it at the creature. Unfazed, it turned and advanced
on Data once again.

Tom: (guttural hellbeast voice) Alright, metalhead, let's
dance!

The android took a defensive stance and prepared to meet the nurse
head on.

Crow: (bad dubbed martial arts voice) You are master of the
Rotting Corpse school, but you are still no match
for my Eight Metal Fingers style!

The Captain abruptly came to his senses realizedhe could move
again.

Tom: (Picard voice) Why, free thought independent of my penis
*can* occur!

Looking about, he spotted a long tube broken off from one of the
beds laying on the floor.

Mike: Uh-oh...looks like Chief has been here and gone...
Tom: A shame about MacMurphy, though....

He quickly grabbed it and ran at the creature.
"Data, stand back!" he yelled.

Tom: Just call him Stevie Nicks Picard.
Crow: Does that make his band Starfleetwood Mac?
Mike: D'OH!

Hearing this, Nurse Bannister whipped around to face the charging
Picard, hissing and spitting.

Crow: (guttural hellbeast voice) I'll give you such a pinch!

The Captain threw himself forward and sank the rod into the nurses
forehead.

Tom and Crow loudly clear their throats.
Mike: Thank you.

Suddenly, te air was filled with a defining shriek sending everyone
but Data reeling, clutching their ears.

Mike: Is it live, or is it Memorex? Only Data knows for
sure...

Nurse Bannister flailed around th room, the metal rod protruding
from her head like the horn on a unicorn.

Tom: (guttural hellbeast voice) Do you *know* how much this
will make my next facial cost?

She grabbed at the air, kicking and spitting, knocking into crushed
tables, smashing whatever was within reach.

Crow: (guttural hellbeast voice) What a world, what a world!
Who could have thought a wrinkled old prune like
you could have destroyed my beautiful wickedness!

And then, quite abruptly, the shrieking stopped, and what had once
been Nurse Patricia Bannister fell motionless to the floor.

Mike: And the Samuel Foote Award For Acting goes to....

As they watched, what appeared to be a blue cloud rose out of her
body and hovered for a moment.

Tom: Beans, beans, the magical fruit...

It floate over to Picard who shrank back against the wall, and then
suddenly shot across the room and through the far wall leaving no
trace.

Crow: Oh my god - then whose hand is that on my hinder???
Tom and Mike immediately muzzle Crow.

Data walked over and assisted the Captain to his feet.
"W-we were totally caught by surprise!" explained Lieutenant
Bowes. "We were mostly concentrating o the thing in the examining
room.

Crow: What a show! That muscle loss really gave Rodriguez the
freedom to gyrate that pelvis of his!

She just suddenly sat up and before we knew it, both Ensign
Culliver and Todd were on the floor bleeding!"

Mike: What - are they on the same cycle, or something?

They looked at the two hapless bodies.

Tom: Wrong adjective, *Martin*.
Mike: Don't get so steamed, Tom - *Martin* has to wake up each
morning with the knowledge that he's going to be
*Martin* for the rest of his life - that's
suffering enough.
Tom: But I want physical pain in there, too.
Mike: Sorry, Tommy, I can't help you there...

And suddenly, Ensign Culliver began to twitch.
"Roy!"

Crow: Firestone? Oh, NOOOOOO!
Tom: That's it, Mike, I'm *outta* here....
Crow: (Roy Firestone voice) I'm here sucking up to another
wife-beating dickweed athlete...

Bowes made to dash forward to aid the bleeding Ensgn. Picard
grabbed her and held her back.

Mike: He was probably grabbing for her front, though...

"Wait!" he ordered. "Beverly?"
Dr. Crusher scanned the bodies of the two Ensign's with her
medical scanner. She shook her head. "These readings indicate
that both men are dead!"

Tom: They're only *mostly* dead.

Ensign Culliver raised his head, a wild toothy grin adorned his
sickly blue face.

Crow: (guttural hellbeast voice) I'm gonna make you all my
regular Saturday night thing...

Data grabbed the rod sticking from the body of Nurse Bannister. He
placed a foot on Culliver's back forcing him back down on the deck.
The Ensign gave a guttural groan and began squirming, trying to get
up.

Mike: (Ed Harris voice) You've never given up on anything in
your death, now FIGHT!

Data raised the rod,

Tom: Spare the rod and spoil the undead, I always say.

and brought it down hard sinking it into the back f Culliver's
skull.

Mike: Either I've got a dirtier mind than I thought, or
*Martin* has some real issues regarding sex to work
out.
Tom: Don't worry, Mike - if this turd is any indication,
*Martin* is going to have a long time to work his
problems out before it'll matter.

This time, there was no death-wail. As a precautionary measure, he
did the same to Ensign Todd.

Tom: The death-wail did the same to Ensign Todd?
Crow: It'd probably have more character than anyone else here.
Mike: Hey - at least we'd get better dialogue out of it.
Tom: The death-wail, in a role that will surprise you!

Small blue clouds whisped from both and disappeared through the
bulkhead.

Crow: Oh god - Snuggles the Bear is haunting the Enterprise.

The creature in the examining room suddenly began to howl.
"Good work Mr. Data," said the Captain. And with that, he
fell to the floor, unconscious.

Tom and Crow: YAY!
Mike: Finally, *Martin* has written something I like.
Tom: Do you think it'll last, Mike?
Crow: Boy, I hope so.
Mike: Sorry, guys, he's the "captain" here - I think he'll
wake up next chapter.
Tom: Why does *Martin* have to take everything good and
beautiful and ruin it, Mike? Why?
Mike: Because he's a dink, Tom.

a Nevins/Malcom joint

jess