[MiSTed] (non-standard) FREE INFORMATION on becoming an Internet Consultant
Megan Jones
A non-standard MiSTing, by Megan
category: [AD]
This is my first MiSTing. Ever. Be cruel. ^_^
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Mystery MiSTing Theatre 3000, Episode 101: The Phantom... er... FREE
INFORMATION on becoming an Internet Consultant
...Through the metallic corridors of a large spaceship, a cheerful young
lady is walking briskly. Her uniform is black with crimson accents; her
hair, shoulder length and auburn; her hands are full, holding a large
ceramic mug of steaming coffee. With great relish, she takes a gulp of
her steaming drink....
...In the bustling streets of Meiji-era Tokyo, a pale-haired gaijin
stands impatiently by a wall. He glances at his wrist by reflex, to
check a wristwatch that isn't there anymore, before remembering to take
out a pocketwatch on a chain from his waistcoat pocket. "Where is that
girl?" he mutters, noting the time. "Trust Burgundy to be late...."
...On the rooftop of an imposing wooden building, a scruffy young
mercenary is sitting, looking just a tad worried. He's clad in various
shades of brown, probably not by choice, and is holding a powerful
crossbow while he stares down at the streets below. As he catches a
glimpse of fiery red hair, he gulps, and slowly takes aim....
Suddenly, without even a moment's warning, all three of these people
vanish in a flurry of ridiculous pyrotechnics and odd synthesizer sound
effects. After a few seconds of astonishment from various passersby,
things return to normal... or to what passes for normal in those
particular worlds, anyway.
Now, let's turn our attention to a cave, located at the edge of reality.
This is where we'll find our three heroes, dumped unceremoniously into
a spacious cavern. Here they have all sorts of gadgets, modern
conveniences, entertainment facilities, and incidentally, no freedom.
Here they've been trapped, by a demented evil genius with far too much
time on his hands. Here, they too will know the horror of being forced
to read email ads, rants, spam, and, yes, Victoria, even fanfiction.
Here, in the Cave of Destiny... on Mystery MiSTing Theatre 3000.
----------
There is absolute darkness and absolute silence. Everything is
permeated by formless nothingness. The universe is in limbo...
Until...
Suddenly, the entirety of the world resolves to a huge extreme closeup
of an eye. It blinks, and a voice exclaims, "Great! This thing's
FINALLY working!"
The camera pulls back, so the entire face can be seen, instead of just
one eye. It's the face of a bright, lively young woman, whose cheerful
perkiness was probably induced by far too much caffeine.
She begins to speak. "Hello, denizens of Cyberspace, and welcome to the
Cave of Destiny! My name's Dess, and I've been stuck here for three
days. Not alone, mind you; Jey and Aquitain are around here...," she
glances first to one side, then to the other, "... somewhere... you'll
meet them soon enough, I guess."
"I'm trying to share our plight with the world via this direct video
feed onto the Internet, mainly because I've got nothing better to do."
She shrugs. "I hooked up this handy little QuickCam," she says, tossing
the camera from one hand to the other -- the effect, as seen from the
camera's viewpoint, is nauseating -- "and I'm recording everything I
see. Maybe someone who visits the site and sees this video will be able
to help us get out of here...."
Some of Dess's surroundings are visible, and they're incredibly gloomy:
rough-hewn stone walls, doorways hacked out of the stone here and there,
and, rather incongruously, a pop machine shoved into one corner. "We
really have no idea how we ended up in here. One moment, everything was
perfectly normal; the next, we found ourselves standing right in the
middle of this big cave. Talk about weird."
She starts walking, carrying the camera with her. "I've been making the
best of this kidnapping, though. Someone left a ton of old hardware in
here. Televisions, computer networking systems, old Cuisinarts... you
name it, it's stuffed into a nook or cranny here. After a couple of
hours of captivity, I got a whole bunch of stuff set up, and we've been
watching TV and surfing the Internet ever since. We still haven't
explored all the rooms; who knows, there might even be a missile
launcher or two floating around somewhere. That'd be fun." She grins
evilly.
Dess walks up to a computer terminal. There, a teenaged boy with brown
hair drawn back into a messy ponytail is concentrating fiercely,
pointing and clicking with the mouse. "Hey, there you are, Jey," she
says. He doesn't even look up. "Hellooo?" She waves a hand in front
of his face, then grins. "And to think he'd never even seen anything
like a computer before he showed up here...."
Suddenly, Jey springs to his feet, pumping one fist in the air. A look
of sheer joy is plastered across his youthful face as he yells out,
"Yesss!" On the computer screen, many rows of cards spring their way
across the screen. "My first big win! Man, this game is hard...."
"Good for you!" says Dess. "Hey, you have anything to say to our loyal
viewers?" The camera is pointed straight into Jey's face.
"Huh?" he says, looking confused.
"To the people who're watching us from the Internet," she explains.
"From the what?"
"You know, when you surf the Web...." Jey gives her a blank look. "Eh,
just keep playing Solitaire." She walks away, leaving him at the
terminal, and continues with her tour. "It's actually not so bad, here
in the Cave of Destiny. We're not starving or anything.... Just about
anything we need, we can get from one of these vending machines." Dess
walks up to a hefty machine, presses a button, and takes the cup that
comes out. "Even coffee!" With a big smile, she takes a sip, and
nearly spits it back out. "Eww, decaf." She glares at the machine. "I
thought I'd fixed that.... Oh well." She drinks the coffee anyway.
"And here's the TV room," she says, walking into a room chiselled out of
the surrounding rock. A pale-haired man is stretched out on a sofa,
watching something on a big-screen TV. "Hi, Aquitain!"
He doesn't look happy at the interruption. "Must you come in?"
"I'll just be a minute. I'm giving a tour!" Talking to the camera
again, she says, "We were really lucky to find a stash of videos behind
one of the sofas in here. As far as we can tell, there's at least a
hundred movies to choose from, and for some reason we've got every
single episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus on tape."
"Could you keep it down?" snaps Aquitain. "If you hadn't noticed, I'm
trying to watch a movie here."
"It's 'Ishtar', Aqui."
"Where I come from, it's considered a classic. And stop calling me
Aqui."
"Okay, Eleanor!" Dess leaves the TV room, chased out by Aquitain's
growling. "Well, that was fun... Anyway, ever since we got here, we've
been trying to find a way out. There aren't any doors or anything that
might possibly lead outside. Except...." She gestures at the wall up
ahead, into which is set two absolutely immense black doors, completely
featureless except for a small yellow sign reading 'Post No Bills.'
"Except these. We've tried everything, and they won't budge, but
they're still our best bet to find our way out of here."
All of a sudden, a twinge of sadness crosses Dess's face. "You know,
this kidnapping thing really bites. I already miss Tasuki...."
At this, Aquitain pokes his head out of the TV room. "Mooning over that
bandit again? I'm responsible for all of future history; if I don't get
back to my duties soon, there's no telling what might happen! Or what
might NOT happen, even though it's supposed to...."
Jey calls out earnestly from his computer terminal, "And I've gotta get
back home somehow, so I can finish killing Lina Inverse!"
"Er, yeah. Whatever," replies Dess. "Anyway, back to the tour...."
Beside the doors is a LCD screen, about a metre square, also set into
the wall. "This blank screen here is kind of useless. There isn't
anything attached to it; it's just kind of sitting here. I've been
planning to fix it to...."
Suddenly, that very same screen crackles into life. Dess jumps.
"Yaah!"
A ferociously grinning face fills the screen. "Greetings, test
subjects!" His hair looks like it hasn't seen a comb for decades; and
there's an insane glint in his eyes, well, what we can see of them
through the welding goggles, anyway. "Please make your way over to the
theatre...." The huge black doors swing open silently, revealing a
small room dominated by a huge screen, with three seats arranged in a
row in front of it. "And prepare for the first of my ongoing
experiments... to find out what it takes to BREAK THE HUMAN SPIRIT!!!"
He attempts to cackle, and almost chokes himself. "Oh, I'm so evil.
Enjoy the experiment, my sentient guinea pigs!"
"Er, no thanks," is Dess's reply.
He glowers at her. "Let me put it this way. In twenty seconds, those
doors will close. Anything not in the theatre at the time will be
strafed with high-intensity laser beams, which have been known to
trigger death 100% of the time in experiments with almost every kind of
organic lifeform. But, you never know... you might just be the
exception to the rule. Care to find out?"
No one answers him, as Dess and Aquitain have already raced into the
theatre, dragging a puzzled Jey behind them just before the doors shut.
----------
In the theatre....
----------
JEY: I don't get it... why did we have to run in here? Who was that
guy? What's so bad about those high-something beam thingies he
was talking about?
DESS: You don't want to experience them first-hand. Trust me.
(Not seeing any other alternative, the three captives seat themselves on
the provided chairs. Words begin to scroll up the huge screen.)
AQUI: Hey... this looks like an e-mail.
DESS: One of those information transfer documents that're everywhere on
the Internet? Oh, great... I just finished slogging through an
inbox full of the darn things, and now I have to read another
one?
> by geocities.com
AQUI: As if the popup windows weren't enough...
DESS: *Thank* you, Geocities. Just what we needed. A lovely gift of
spam.
JEY: Spam, spam, spam, spam... lovely spam, wonderful SPAAAAM!
(Aquitain raps him smartly on the head.) Oww!
AQUI: The Vikings couldn't get away with it. What made you think YOU
could?
>(8.9.3/8.9.3)
DESS: Equals... ONE.
>with SMTP
JEY: With Soybeans Marinated in Tubs of Pineapple?
AQUI: I don't think so.
JEY: Uh... So, Mate, Try Pork!
AQUI: Not a prize-winning slogan....
JEY: Um... how about... Strange Martians... Trashing Parliament...?
AQUI: You're just not good at this. Give up.
DESS: Come on, be a little Supportive, Man! There; Problem Solved.
Mercy: 'Tis Preferable!
AQUI: ... Oh, brother....
>id
DESS: I was thinking more Superego myself.
>XAA14895;
> Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:37:42 -0700 (PDT)
>From: knievel
AQUI: I knew it. Whoever sent this e-mail was definitely Evil.
JEY: But I don't *wanna* see it!
>Received:
AQUI: With disgust.
>from noone
DESS: Interesting to know that the person who sent this has such a low
self-image....
>(pool-207-205-181-187.phnx.grid.net [207.205.181.187]) by
>cds-gw.cds.ufsc.br (8.6.8.1/8.6.6) with SMTP
JEY: *draws a breath*
AQUI: Don't even think about it.
JEY: Aww... But I've been thinking up better ones ever since...
AQUI: No. Point finale.
>id EAA83078; Tue, 29 Jun 1999 04:05:07 -0500
>Message-Id: <1999062909...@cds-gw.cds.ufsc.br>
>Subject:
DESS: ...to approval by the Board of Directors.
>FREE INFORMATION on becoming an Internet Consultant
>Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 23:25:30 -0700
>X-Priority: 3
>X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
AQUI: Not a word I'd want to associate with this piece of junk, to tell
the truth.
>YOU now have the opportunity to become a valuable and successful
DESS: If your idea of success is living in all the comfort and luxury of
your average trailer park, that is.
>Internet Business Consultant, where making money at home or at an
>office is easy!
JEY: As easy as flan!
AQUI: You mean, 'As easy as pie.'
JEY: No, I don't like pie. I like flan much better.
AQUI: ...
JEY: Or carrot cake. But saying 'As easy as carrot cake!' sounds a
little weird, so....
>We can show you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take advantage of a
>truly ground floor
DESS: Where else would you put a floor?
>program in your own neighborhood!
AQUI: Not in Mr. Rogers' neighborhood, though. It was boycotted by King
Friday.
JEY: And Mr. McFeeley the Postman, too!
DESS: You guys are watching WAAAY too much television.
>Perfect Web is
AQUI: A brand new housing development for arachnids?
DESS: They're springing up everywhere these days.
>a fully integrated Internet company specializing in web design,
>hosting, e-commerce and Internet marketing.
AQUI: But not spam control, obviously.
>Using our proprietary system, we have placed thousands of businesses
>with Internet related products and services.
DESS: Placed them... where?
JEY: Placed them with their products and services, duh. Can't you
read?
DESS: *flustered* I... I just... uh.... Aw, forget it...
>Imagine a business that requires 8-10 hours per week and has unlimited
>money making potential?
AQUI: Counterfeiting?
>Our program allows you to succeed and earn big income without any
>previous knowledge or experience working with computers.
JEY: Uh... if I didn't have any previous knowledge or experience
working with computers... then how could I be reading this e-mail?
>Where could you be in 30 days?
JEY: In sunny Barbados!
AQUI: Strolling down the promenades of Paris.
DESS: Shopping at the Old Hide House! Remember, folks, it's WORTH the
drive to Acton!
AQUI: So, how much DID they pay you for that endorsement...?
>You could easily be earning hundreds, even thousands of dollars
DESS: Would that be per year, or per decade?
>as an Internet Business Consultant.
>We are looking for a limited number of area affiliates in the United
>States to market Internet services using our proven marketing program.
>This is NOT an MLM!
JEY: But... but I was looking forward to a nice chocolatey snack!
AQUI: MLM, not M&M, you dolt.
>Our unique marketing program
DESS: One-of-a-kind; never duplicated.
AQUI: There's a reason for that, you know.
>provides you with one-on-one training, manuals, audio and video tapes
>and scripts
AQUI: Audio and video tapes and scripts?
DESS: Oh my!
JEY: Scripts? Do they mean Java scripts, like in webpages?
AQUI: No, they mean scripts, as in movie scripts.
JEY: Huh?
DESS: You know, the words that the actors are supposed to say, and the
stage directions...
JEY: (looks puzzled)
AQUI: (getting frustrated) Look, remember in "Star Wars" when Han Solo
said "I've got a bad feeling about this"? He said it because it
was in the script! All the words that the Star Wars characters
said, were in the script! That's how they know what to say!
JEY: Oh! I get it!
AQUI: Finally!
JEY: But I just have one question. Does Lucas know his scripts're being
distributed by spammers?
AQUI: (sighs) I give up.
>to get you started quickly.
DESS: And finished faster.
>Are you ready to take charge of your life and make real money?
AQUI: No. I'd rather take charge of my cat's life, and make Monopoly
money.
JEY: Well, at least that way the government won't be after you for
counterfeiting....
DESS: But Parker Brothers'll sue for copyright infringement.
AQUI: You can't win.
>By becoming an Internet Business Consultant, you get the opportunity to
>guide your own business through cyberspace and help others create
>classified pages, display ads, homepages and custom web sites!
JEY: So basically an Internet Business Consultant is another word for a
website designer?
DESS: Looks like it.
AQUI: Doublespeak wins again....
>Before you are locked out of this ground floor opportunity
DESS: Is that physically possible?
>contact us today to get started in less than 30 days!
>
>
>This offer is limited.
AQUI: My annoyance isn't.
>For more information please visit:
>
>http://www.freeyellow.com
JEY: It's free. It's yellow. It's....
DESS: I'm not getting a good mental image here....
>/members7/webresponse/ub.html
><a href="http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/webresponse/ub.html">Click
>Here!</a>
AQUI: Or how about... There? Or... Three Inches to the Right of That
Spot? The opportunities are endless.
>--------------------------------------------------------
DESS: Hyphen key must have been sticking....
>Due to the overwhelming response to this offer you may experience long
>wait times or difficulty accessing our WebPages. If this happens
>simply
>
>
>
> - PRINT - THIS - FORM -
>
> &
>
> FAX IT TO (603) 719-3465
>
>We will contact you directly to answer all of your questions.
AQUI: Okay, here's one: WHY? WHY, DAMMIT? WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF LITTLE
GREEN APPLES, WHY?
JEY: Also, what IS the meaning of life?
>If you do not have a fax you may also CALL 954-252-4056.
DESS: If you do not have a life you may also CALL 1-800-BABES-R-US.
>This offer is good Nationwide.
JEY: Which nation?
AQUI: Bolivia, undoubtedly.
DESS: You're sure?
AQUI: Very sure.
DESS: ... Okay, I won't ask...
>Your Name:_______________________________________________
DESS: I. P. Freely.
JEY: Amanda Huggenkiss.
AQUI: Oliver Clothesoff.
JEY: Seymour Butz.
AQUI: Hugh Jass.
DESS: Ivana Tinkle.
AQUI: Anita Bath.
>Company Name:____________________________________________
DESS: GENOM Corp.
AQUI: Mishima Heavy Industries.
JEY: NERV.
DESS: The 3WA.
>Address:_________________________________________________
AQUI: Somewhere. Over the rainbow.
>City,State,Zip:__________________________________________
DESS: Iomega?
AQUI: That was pretty lame.
JEY: ... I didn't get it...
>
>
>Type of Business_________________________________________
DESS: Bankrupt!
AQUI: This is getting pretty boring. How many more blank lines are
left?
JEY: (looking ahead) Only a few.
AQUI: I should be able to survive that long... I hope.
>E-mail address:__________________________________________
AQUI: leave_me_alone@you_loser.com
DESS: Starting to get bitter, I see.
AQUI: Wouldn't anyone?
>Day Time Phone:__________________________________________
JEY: 232-9809.
DESS: The number of a public phone booth in lovely downtown Etobicoke.
>Evening Phone:___________________________________________
AQUI: What about the Slightly Before Dusk Phone? Or the Ten Past
Midnight Phone?
>Fax:_____________________________________________________
DESS: Anyone for some snacks?
JEY: But all we've got is flax.
DESS: Let's make tracks to the fridge, and open some sacks with an
axe....
AQUI: Okay, enough.
>________________________________________________________
JEY: Wow, isn't that line straight! You think they used a ruler?
>If you wish to be removed from this advertiser's future mailings,
>please follow this link to be removed:
DESS: ...from this PARTICULAR mailing list, but added to three dozen
more, just because now they know that there's actually a person
checking this email address...
>http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/webresponse/remove.html
><a
>href="http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/webresponse/remove.html">Click
>Here!</a>
>
>However, if you wish to recieve more information simply follow this
>link:
>http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/webresponse/ub.html
><a href="http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/webresponse/ub.html">Click
>Here!</a>
AQUI: So which link do we follow if we just want LESS information?
>________________________________________________________
DESS: An iMac, after an unfortunate run-in with a steamroller.
JEY: You sure? To me it looks more like a watermelon, after an
unfortunate run-in with a steamroller.
AQUI: Really? I thought it was a leather-bound set of Encyclopedia
Brittanica, after an unfortunate run-in with a steamroller.
>
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DESS: Think that's enough blank space, folks?
JEY: You can NEVER have too much blank space. This message brought to
you by the Blank Space Council.
AQUI: ... It worked in 'The Eye of Argon'. It doesn't work here.
JEY: Well, excuuuuse me for trying....
>YOU now have the opportunity
DESS: ... to delete this piece of email spam!
>to become a valuable and successful Internet Business Consultant, where
>making money at home or at an office is easy!
JEY: Hey, haven't we seen this somewhere before?
>We can show you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take advantage of a
>truly ground floor program in your own neighborhood!
DESS: Yup. The spam is stuttering.
>Perfect Web is a fully integrated Internet company specializing in
AQUI: Wasn't it enough the first time? Do we have to be tormented with
the same spammy tripe, again and again, over and over?
JEY: Maybe we have to keep reading it 'till we get all the riffs right.
You know, like in 'Groundhog Day'.
AQUI: Ye gods, we'll be reading this thing forever....
>web design, hosting, e-commerce and Internet marketing. Using our
>proprietary system, we have
DESS: ... learned the joys of spamming....
>placed thousands of businesses with Internet related products and
>services.
ALL: ...
DESS: Is that it? Hey, I think it's over!
JEY: Yaay!
AQUI: Finally. Let's get out of here.
(The doors open, and they hustle out of the theatre.)
----------
Back in the Cave of Destiny
----------
The unnamed mad scientist is still visible in the viewscreen; as his
three guinea pigs come out of the theatre, he gets rather excited,
grinning like the maniac he undoubtedly is. "So, my little captive
friends! Did that ruthless piece of spam break down your defenses? Did
it crack your pathetically small minds?"
Dess, Aquitain, and Jey all exchange confused looks. "Was it supposed
to?" asks Dess innocently.
The scientist splutters, then recovers his 'poise'. "You may have
survived, this time, but fear not! I WILL find the file that'll crack
you like an egg! And after that, nothing will stop me from using it to
take over the world!" He cackles, without choking himself this time, as
the viewscreen's picture fades out.
Aquitain snorts. "The guy is nuts! I mean, trying to break our spirits
with text-based documents?"
Jey thinks for a moment and says, "Now if he was forcing us, instead, to
watch incredibly bad movies...."
"... You've got a point there."
Dess suddenly remembers the little camera that she's still holding.
"Oh, right.... Well, I guess that's enough for today. From all of us
here in the Cave of Destiny, thanks for watching, and... SOMEBODY HELP
US GET OUT OF HERE!!!"
And the picture fades away to nothingness.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
All right, it's disclaimer time....
The MiSTed ad is copyright by... er... whoever wrote it. (They can keep
it.)
This MiSTing is copyright by me, Megan Jones.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1999 by Best Brains Inc. All Rights Reserved. Use
of copyrighted or trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only. No infringement on original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Void where prohibited by
law. Respondents must answer a skill-testing question. Okay, enough
legalese ^_^
The characters of Dess, Jey, and Aquitain were created by me, for three
different anime fanfics. Dess is from my Fushigi Yuugi-based magnum
opus, "Mysterious Worlds." Jey is from "Slayers COFFEE,' an oddly named
yet rather serious fic. Aquitain is from a Rurouni Kenshin fanfic
entitled "Eternal Beloved." So why did I use them for this MiSTing?
Well... I didn't really feel comfortable using the established
characters of Tom, Crow, and Mike/Joel. I also didn't want to make up
completely new characters, so I just borrowed some I'd already made.
Make sense now? Actually, I think that this lineup of characters works
better for me than the traditional crew would... Jey can take care of
the really dumb comments, Aquitain can be sardonic and cruel, and Dess
can be the occasional voice of sanity and technological uberexpertise
(not that I have any... of either ^_^)
Episode guide for
Mystery MiSTing Theatre 3000
----------------------------
Episode 101 -- FREE INFORMATION on becoming an Internet Consultant
...
That's all, folks! Come back next month!
Any questions, comments, corrections, or death threats should be emailed
to bwe...@mac-addict.com Thank you for reading!
This has been an elephant-free production.