MiSTed: Stolen Memories (8/29)
Rottweiler
a
nude Ken doll. The Bots enter stage left.]
TOM: Mike, what are you doing with a DOLL?
MIKE: Well, my barrel-bodied bosom buddy, the strange names Mission Ops
Productions uses for the sex organs has made me wonder what it
would
be like if people used silly names for other parts of the body.
And
who is better qualified to display non-sexual body parts than Ken?
What I'm going to do is point to each body part, and I want one of
you guys to come up with a silly name for it. I'll demonstrate.
(Mike points to one of Ken's eyes)
MIKE: Globes of sight.
TOM: That sounds like it came out of _The Eye of Argon_, Mike.
MIKE: Shut up and play along.
(Mike points to one of Ken's ears)
TOM: Dishes of hearing.
(Mike points to Ken's nose)
CROW: Uh... flesh-colored slide?
(Mike points to Ken's mouth)
CROW: Um, how about "maker of words"?
(Mike points to Ken's chin)
TOM: Leno's trademark!
MIKE: That's very good, guys. Now, what have we learned from this
little
exercise?
TOM: That people should use the correct names for all body parts?
MIKE: That's right, Servo.
(Mike and Crow turn to face Cambot)
CROW: This public service announcement has been brought to you by SPACE,
Sane People Against Crazy Euphemisms.
MIKE: Remember everyone, the dictionary exists for a reason. Use it.
(Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium)
MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!
[Dog Bone]
[Door 6]
[Door 5]
[Door 4]
[Door 3]
[Door 2]
[Door 1]
[SOL Theater. Mike and the Bots enter and take their seats.]
> The night turned into a long and extremely pleasurable
> exploration of the ways they could make the other writhe and
> scream in ecstasy.
CROW: Okay, I declare a moratorium on the use of the words "explore",
"exploration", and "exploratory" for the rest of the fanfic.
> Before it was through, Julian had used up
> all of the sheaths he'd brought with him and wished he'd had
> the sense to bring more.
MIKE: He liked to fill them up with maple syrup and drop them out the
window on people's heads.
> Then he wondered why he'd even
> bothered after all, they'd been lovers for a week, and if he
> was going to catch something from her, he'd have already
> caught it by now.
TOM: "Condoms - why even bother?" This message has been brought to you
by
the Council to Promote Unwanted Pregnancy and the Spread of
Disease.
> They made slow sweet love one final time without any
> form of protection.
CROW: Allowing the attacking Moors to invade the palace and slay them.
MIKE: (George Costanza) No. It's the Moops.
> As he'd approached his climax, Alis
> gave him one of her mind blowing love bites, injecting her
> euphoriatic venom into his veins.
CROW: (Julian) Bite me, it's fun!
TOM: Hey! "Euphoriatic" isn't a word! I'll have to call a technical
foul
for that one.
> It reached his brain at
> the same time as he reached climax and he lost himself
> completely.
MIKE: So the moral is that sex is more fun during an acid trip?
> He came to his senses with Alis curled up at his side
> almost asleep, lazily stroking his body with her tail.
> "I was thinking.."
CROW: (Alis) ...about putting new wallpaper in this room.
> "Thinking what?
TOM: (Alis) Thinking about how great it would be to become a celibate
nun
and never have another degrading sexual experience like this
ever again.
> "My mother, named me after my father, Alistair.."
MIKE: (Alis) You may have heard of him. He hosted _Masterpiece
Theater_.
> Her hand wandered up his chest and throat to his ear
> caressing it.
CROW: (Alis) Hey, you're not Leonard Nimoy!
> "I think.. I'll name the first born girl, Juliairyen..
> After you."
TOM: Their other children will be named Morris, Luna, and Eek.
> Suddenly Julian remembered the other reason his father
> had insisted he use the sheaths.
MIKE: To ensure that Julian's blighted genes would never be passed on!
> It wasn't only the spread
> of STD's they prevented.
CROW: Severe tire damage? How can condoms prevent THAT?
> He went into full panic mode for a
> second. Then another part of his brain said,
TOM: (Brain) Julian, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
> <what are you
> gibbering about you numbskull,
MIKE: (Julian's brain) She's a different species! There's no chance of
her
getting pregnant!
> if you don't give her babies
> she'll have to go looking for a man who will.
MIKE: Bill Clinton?
TOM: Thomas Jefferson?
CROW: Zeus?
> And if you do
> give her babies, she won't have too, now will she.>
MIKE: (Julian's brain) And remember to pick up some Slim Jims the next
time
you're out. I love those things!
> He smiled at her.
> "I think,
TOM: Therefore I am.
> I like the idea, and if it's a boy, we can
> call it Alistair, after your father."
CROW: (Julian) Since my father doesn't have a name.
> She didn't hear him, she fallen asleep while he'd been
> thinking about becoming a father.
TOM: (singing) In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps
tonight...
> ************************
MIKE: Alis' hairballs.
> Julian's reminiscing was cut short as a purring voice
> dragged his attention back to the present.
CROW: Julie Newmar?
TOM: Lee Merriwether?
MIKE: Eartha Kitt?
> "Well, well, well.. What do we have here?" It purred
> at him.
CROW: (Gypsy) Lookee like we got us some Terran troublemakers! I'm
a-gonna
hafta bring you in!
> He looked up from the exercise machine he lay upon to
> see Alis.
MIKE: (Julian) I told you not to bother me while I'm on the Soloflex.
> He blinked and did a double take. No.. It wasn't
> Alis.
CROW: It was the one-armed man!
> This woman was older, and had no fur.
TOM: Impressed by the ads, Hilfy decides to try Gillette.
> Her skin was the
> colour of black coffee and her eyes matched.
MIKE: 100% Columbian skin.
> She was to put
> it mildly stacked, a real bombshell.
TOM: Looks like Jane Mansfield's been hitting the tanning salon!
MIKE: "Mildly stacked"?
> Before Alis, Julian's
> reaction would have been immediate attraction and an ache
> in the groin.
CROW: Before _Artemis' Lover_, my reaction to this story would have been
immeadiate revulsion and an ache in the head.
> Especially when such a magnetically attractive
> woman was looking down at him with a smile that said, 'I
> want to jump your bones'.
MIKE: (Julian) Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?
TOM: (Mrs. Robinson) Do you want to be seduced? Is that it?
> Now he was immune.
CROW: He'd been given the polio vaccine.
> He only wanted
> one woman, and that woman was Alis.
MIKE: That's right, a monogamous relationship inhibits normal biological
functions.
> "If it isn't my sister's pet manling." The woman
> purred.
TOM: (Julian) Hey, I've had all my shots!
> Julian remembered Alis mentioning she had sisters,
> most of whom hadn't lived too long after birth.
CROW: Will someone please tell me WHY the Felistians have an infant
mortality rate higher than in the Middle Ages?
> This had to
> be one of the ones who'd survived.
MIKE: Or did it?
BOTS: DUN-DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUN!!!
> He wondered if her lack
> of fur was one of the reasons she hadn't been selected as
> Prime Heir.
TOM: Actually, the real reason was that she performed poorly during the
talent competition.
> "I'm not her pet," he retorted automatically and just
> caught himself in time before following it up with an "I'm
> her consort".
CROW: (Julian, sobbing) It's true! I am her pet!
> Alis had asked him not to mention to anyone, until
> she'd had time to work out how to spring it on her mother.
MIKE: Yeah, Julian's not the kind of boyfriend you want to show off.
> He started to sit up deciding he didn't like the way
> Alis' sister was looking at him. It made him feel like he
> was a lower life form and he didn't like feeling that way.
TOM: Unless it was ALIS making him feel that way.
> He felt that way around his father whenever he made some
> stupid mistake.
CROW: So, Julian feels that way most of the time?
> "That's not what I hear manling," She responded
> raising a leg to plant her foot on his chest and push him
> back down on the exercise bench.
MIKE: (drill sergeant) I want you to give me ten sit-ups, manling!
> Julian's pulse started racing and he tried not to
> panic. Panic was bad.
TOM: From the "dur-hey!" school of philosophy.
> He could get out of this, if he stayed
> calm there was half a chance he could talk her out of what
> he was sure was on her mind.
CROW: Having lunch?
> "I also hear, you Terran males make breeding a rrreal
> pleasurrrre." She purred, leaving Julian with absolutely
> no doubt as to what was on her mind.
CROW: Playing backgammon!
> "I'm not Alis's pet, but I am her lover .. And I
> don't think she'd like it very much if she found out you
> were pestering me."
TOM: (singing) My girlfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble...
> She leaned forward over him, grabbing his face in her
> hand,
MIKE: (evil sister) Alas poor Julian, I knew him Horatio.
> putting more weight on his chest in the process.
CROW: It sounds like Julian is being pressed.
TOM: Confess that ye art a witch!
> "What makes you think, you'll be able to tell her,
> manling." She purred.
CROW: It's too bad that Julie Newmar got typecast like this.
> Julian realised this was one extremely dangerous woman
MIKE: And not twelve short men stacked on top of one another, as he'd
prevously suspected.
> and that if he didn't work out how to make her go away, he
> probably wouldn't live to tell the tale after the fact.
TOM: What was your first clue, Sherlock?
> Her tail curled around to start running up and down
> his legs, brushing over his groin several times, drawing a
> natural uncontrolable response from Julian. He flushed from
> head to toe as she saw the response and leered. He felt
> thouroughly humilated.
MIKE: Which was pretty much par for the course for Julian.
> "If you don't..leave me alone, I'll scream."
CROW: Starring Neve Campbell.
> "No one will hear you manling,
TOM: They're in space?
> go right ahead, in fact,
> if you like, I can give you something to scream about."
MIKE: (evil sister) Ice cream.
> And with that Julian felt her claws against his flesh
> piercing his skin.
CROW: No, wait, Julian! You're on the workbench of nails!
> Now it was time to panic.
TOM: (Julian) Let me check my Filofax. Hmmm... Tuesday night, "Have
kinky
sex with Alis". Wednesday Morning, "Panic".
> He drove his
> arm up palm flat, under her chin, Her head snapped back and
> she reared away, dragging her claws through his skin as she
> went.
(ALL hum the Classic Star Trek fight theme)
> He screamed in pain and sat bolt upright, then jumped
> up bolting for the exit.
MIKE: Oh no you don't, Julian. If WE have to suffer through this story,
SO
DO YOU!
> She shook her head to clear it and
> saw him race away.
CROW: (Julian) Ha ha! She'll never catch me now that I'm a chariot
driver
at the Circus Maximus! Eat my dust, Judah Ben-Hur!
> With all the speed her species was
> legendary for she pursued him.
TOM: C'mon, kid, try some of my race's legendary speed. The first one's
free!
> With his head start, Julian managed to elude her long
> enough to get out of the gym and into the corridor.
MIKE: (Julian) Cat Lovers Anonymous is at the end of this hall...
> He
> didn't get much further, like a big cat, she crouched and
> then leapt through the air,
CROW: (singing) She flies through the air with the greatest of fleas...
(MIKE and TOM groan)
> pouncing on him to take him down
> to the floor.
TOM: And Julian's dad walks by, oblivious to what's happening.
> The went down in a tangle of limbs, Julian's
> breath rushing explosively out of his lungs as he hit the
> floor.
MIKE: I told him not to eat that chili cheese dog.
> Winded he lost his one and only chance to fight,
CROW: What, is this _Rocky_ all of a sudden?
> while she was regaining her feet.
TOM: Ah yes, the epic saga of Alis' sister and her quest to recover her
amputated feet.
> He saw her draw back a
> foot.
> "No manling strikes me and lives," she said
MIKE: She's a union buster!
> Her booted foot stuck the side of Julian's skull
> and he knew no more.
CROW: There was no joy in Mudville that day. The mighty Julian had been
knocked out.
MIKE: So not only do Felistians need clothes, they need boots too.
> ****************************
> END OF "STOLEN MEMORIES" - PART TWO
> ******************************************
TOM: And now, PART FIVE... I mean THREE.
> The story "Stolen Memories" is a multi-part story
> which runs concurrently with "The Hunted".
CROW: And in the home stretch, it's _The Hunted_ by a nose...
> _____________________________________
>
> Standard disclaimers apply.
TOM: Despite appearances, the Kilrathi do not appear in this story.
> Characters copyrighted
> by Paramount. Alis, Alistair and Felistians are
> copyrighted to Mission Ops Productions.
MIKE: Mission Opspossible, starring Tom Cruise.
> Reprinting
> this story in whole or in part is denied without
> the permission of Mission Ops Productions first -
> except in cases of review.
CROW: In case of emergency, break this fanfic.
> Copyright @ 1995 Mission Ops Productions.
TOM: Well, a @ LOOKS like a ©. It counts.
> Send your comments to: hen...@zip.com.au
> -----------------------------------------------------
MIKE: We'd rather make our comments here, if you don't mind.
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. CROW is speaking baby-talk to an adorable little orange
kitten that's sitting on the counter looking nowhere in particular.
MIKE
and TOM enter.]
MIKE: (finishing a conversation)...and THAT is why parents would name
their
son Buckminster.
TOM: Ooooohhh, I see. Thanks for clearing that up.
MIKE: Hey, Crow. Whatcha doing?
CROW: (looking up) Howdy, Nelson Mandela. I found my friend.
MIKE: Oh, you mean, uh--
MIKE and CROW: Muffin.
CROW: Yes. She's quite the conversationalist. Go ahead, ask her
anything.
TOM: Ooo, Ooo! Me, Me! Muffin, does my hoverskirt make my butt look
big?
(MUFFIN continues acting like a cat)
TOM: (Running off sobbing) She isn't even dignifying it with an answer!
(MIKE acts like he's about to chase TOM but stays put)
MIKE: Servo, it was-- (sigh) (to CROW) What are you hoping to learn from
that thing, anyway?
CROW: Mike! She's not a thing! (to MUFFIN, in baby-talk mode) You pay
no
attention to him, my sweet. He's an incredibly sexist feeb.
Don't
listen to anything he says.
MIKE: I know you're just using her to weasel out information about--
CROW: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM MUFFIN!!
MIKE: You told me yourself.
CROW: LIES! ALL LIES!!!
MIKE: She's only a few months old! Your plan was doomed from the start.
CROW: Muuuuuuffffiiiiiiiinn!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (starts sobbing)
(MUFFIN puts a cute little paw onto CROW's nose. His sobbing stops.)
CROW: (Sniffles) I always knew you loved me. You're the only one who
understands me, Muffin.
(MIKE walks away, throwing down his hands with a discouraged grunt)
CROW: The mean man is gone, Muffin, we're alone now. Y'know, after the
experiment, we could head over to the other end of the ship, put
on
some light music, turn down the lights, get some wine coolers...
(MIKE returns)
MIKE: (to CAMBOT) Folks at home, I'm sorry I forgot to play something to
take your mind off this. Hopefully it's not too late
for
this clip of Bobo belly dancing to help.
[Castle Forrester. We see BOBO belly dancing for about fifteen
seconds.]
[Planet Bumper]
> "I (kiss) am (kiss) going (kiss) to (kiss) kiss (kiss)
> you (kiss) all (kiss) over. (Kiss) From (kiss) head (kiss)
> to (kiss) toe," he announced.