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MiSTied: _Space_Cases_ <part 1/3>

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TCurryFan

unread,

Apr 14, 1997, 3:00:00 AM4/14/97

This is the first part of my first solo MiSTing. Please be gentle... (-:
Disclaimers as the end.

-------------------------

@ {2} <3> /4/ :5: *6* (door)

TOM: What you got there, Crow?

CROW: It's my graphic novel collection... See, I just got these new,
acid-less Mylar(tm) bags to put them all in.

TOM: Ohhhh...

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

MIKE: Oh, hi Crow, hi Tom. <MIKE sets his coffee on the counter>
Hey, Crow, what you got there? Some comics?

'BOTS: They're GRAPHIC NOVELS!

MIKE: Sorry...

CROW: This is my ultimate collection- I have Avengers Annual #10,
Uncanny X-Men #120 AND #121, X-Factor #87, signed by Peter
David, Sandman #8...

<MIKE reaches to look at one of the comics and (wait for it...) spills his

coffee! All over the comics!>

CROW: AAAAAAAHHH! NOOOOO!!!

MIKE: Ooops...

TOM: Oh, GOOD GOING, Nelson...

MIKE: I'm SORRY...

MV: Commercial sign in five...

MV: Four... Three... Two... One...

MIKE: We'll be right back. <to CROW> Sorry...

MV: Commercial sign now...

CROW: NOOOOO!!!

MIKE: Uhhh... Hi, we're back, here on the Satellite of Love... We
seem to have had a little accident with Crow's co- ummm...
graphic novels...

CROW: Oohohmygod! Ohmygodohmygod...

MIKE: _Sorry_... As you can see, Crow's a little upset... <sigh>.

MIKE: Hey... This one looks interesting... "X-Factor". Hmmm...

TOM: Oh, yeah, issue 87... That's a great one... Can't go wrong
with Peter David... Right, Crow?

CROW: Leave me alone!

TOM: Well, there was that one issue of Incredible Hulk, actually...

MIKE: Oh, really?

TOM: Yeah; see-

<Mads' light flashes>

MIKE: Oh, John Callimee and June Brigman are calling...

DR. FORRESTER: Ah, there you are, Neinstein... Mother has gone to a
Viking's game... She won't be with us this evening. But that's ok-
I'll deal with you all by myself... MUAHAHAHA!! <sees CROW
sobbing>
Having some problems with your little metallic friend?

<SOL>
MIKE: Yeah, well... I kinda had a little accident with Crow's... ummm...

Graphic novels...

CROW: <in the back ground> GONE! THEY'RE ALL RUINED!!!

TOM: Oh, geez, give it rest, Crow...

CROW: But they were my FAVORITE graphic novels!! My Sandman #8!
My X-Factor #87... Peter David signed it himself! ARGH!

DR. F: Peter David? Well, what a co-inky-dink! It just so happens that
this week's experiment is from Peter David.

<SOL>
CROW: <brightening a little> Really? Maybe it won't be so bad...

<Deep 13>
DR. F: Think again, goldenboy! Because first, there's a short... The
kind
of short which reminds why we all hate spam so much...

<SOL>
ALL: Arrgghhhh...

<Deep 13>
DR. F: But the _main_ part of the experiment does come from PAD... It's
a
little slice of evil known as _Space_Cases_... Think of it as "Jim
Henson's _Voyager_ Babies".

<SOL>
MIKE: That doesn't sound so bad...

<Deep 13>
DR. F: Well, it's not, really... But you don't expect to send me one of
the GOOD episodes, now do you? What would be the point of _that_?

<SOL>
MIKE: Well... Could you at least give Crow a few minutes to settle
down?

<Deep 13>
DR. F: Forget it, guinea pigs. We start the experiment when _I_ say
we start it, monkey boy! And I say we start it!

<DR. F pushes the movie sign button>

MIKE & TOM: WE HAVE MOVIE SIIIIIIGN!

CROW: MY GRAPHIC NOVELS!!!!

(door) *6* :5: /4/ <3> {2} @

CROW: <sob>
TOM: Keep it together, Crow- we gotta get through the experiment!
CROW: <sigh> I'm ok.
TOM: Sure?
CROW: <brightly> Yep!
TOM: Ok, then!
MIKE: Pipe down, it's starting...

>Subj: We Will Send Out Your Bulk E Mail

TOM: What about our "Skull" e-mail?

>Date: 97-04-11 01:00:45 EDT
>From: bulk...@hyperlogic.com (Product Link)

MIKE: "Logic"? Not in this letter...

>*If you want to be removed from our mailing list, please respond to this
>email and put "Remove" in the subject line; our computer system will
remove
>you immediately. We very much do not want to send E Mail to those who do

>not wish to receive it;

CROW: So why did you send it to us in the FIRST place!

> however, if you do not type "Remove" in the
>subject line and send this E Mail back to us, your name cannot be
removed,
>as much as we wish to do so. Thanks for your help.

TOM: So, you send this annoying letter, then WE have to go to the trouble

of telling you to stop sending mail to us?

>We will send out your bulk E Mail. Period.

TOM: Oh, good. Does that mean we can go?
MIKE 'Fraid not.

> No
>qualifiers, no conditions, no nonsense...

CROW: But I WANT nonsense!
TOM: Yeah- a little whimsy goes a long way...

> and we'll do it at the best prices.
>
>Call us at (818) 701-2001

MIKE: A Space Odyssey

>We are Product Link.

MIKE: We are not the least bit interested.

> We are a business partner with a
>marketing company which develops buyers for its clients' products through

>electronic marketing; primarily broadcast fax.

TOM: Ah, yes- fax a bunch of people and annoy them, too.

> Together, we have
>over a hundred clients, almost 10% of which are Fortune 500 companies.

TOM: _Almost_ 10%...
MIKE: Probably about 2%.

>We have numerous staff, and have just begun, at client request, to send
>high volumes of E Mail.

MIKE: I'd like to find that client and whoop him...
TOM: Get in line, Mike

> If you're new to Bulk E Mail marketing,

CROW: Get out while you can.

> as we
>were a short time ago, I can confirm that all the E Mails you've been
>getting from E Mail software companies about how great E Mail marketing
is;
>well, they're true.

MIKE: Gee, E-mail software companies support using E-mail- THERE'S a
shock...

> However, as those of you who have already purchased
>software and have tried bulk E mail know, nothing good ever comes easy.

CROW: Except for Madonna; she's very ea-
MIKE: Yes, Crow, we know...

>Our staff has spent millions of advertising dollars on our clients'
behalf;

MIKE: Of course, we failed miserably and are now broke, but...

>everything from commercials on the Superbowl to ads in the New York
Times,
>to full page spreads in Scientific American.;

CROW: I saw one of those once- <wolf whistle>!

> not to mention the sending
>of over 1,000,000 marketing faxes a year for major corporations.
>
>Bulk E mail has been quite an eye opener.

MIKE: I thought Coast was "the eye-opener"?

>
>The Internet, the on line services and ISP providers are full of shrill,
>self appointed "net cops," whose mission in life seems to be dumping on
>those who have the audacity to sell product via E Mail.

MIKE: Oh, yeah... Just cuz people hate to get gobs of mail they don't
care
about, and ng's for kids find themselves getting x-rated spam...

> I don't wish nor

>intend to debate the issue here,

CROW: Because I know damn well how wrong I am...

> except to say that if you've purchased
>bulk E Mail software (or intend to), you've already found out that when
you
>attempt to use it, your ISP provider will shut you down, your E Mail
>account will be bombed, and electronic flames from the folks we call
>"Internuts" will become a way of life.

MIKE: Then maybe you should get a CLUE and stop doing it!

>Since we have a low tolerance for allowing small groups of vocal fanatics

MIKE: Like, 99% of the people on the Internet...

>to dictate our business life, we set up our own system to send out Bulk
>E Mail.

CROW: That's right, folks- what gonna do what we damn well please, no
matter how illegal or immoral it is.

> This system will be greatly expanded in 30 days or so

ALL: AHHH!!

>
(we're
>installing more T lines), but we currently have room on our system to
send
>out Bulk E Mail for a limited number of companies or individuals other
>than ourselves.

MIKE: A limited number of companies? Whatever happened to the "over 100"

clients they claimed to have?

>We'll send out your order, large or small.

CROW: Short or tall, fat or thin.

> We'll do it quickly, and we'll do it at a really great
>price. You can supply the list, or we'll supply the list. Place an
order
>with us, and we'll give you advice on how to set up your E Mail so your
on
>line service provider won't shut you down,

TOM: Yes, we'll show you how to skirt the rules while praying you don't
get
caught!
MIKE: Breaking the law is fun!

> how to write your material,
and
>much more. We will also write your marketing material, if you so desire.

MIKE: If you're too stupid to do it yourself, you brainless gibbons...

>If you supply a list, we can run it through our computer program to sort
>out all duplicates and bad AOL

TOM: There's a redundancy.

> or CompuServe addresses. If you buy a
list
>from us, we will guarantee that the exact number of names you order will
go
>out; if we send a list for you and a number of addresses are not
delivered,

MIKE: Those people can thank their lucky stars.

>we will send out more E Mails until you get delivered exactly what you
>ordered. We can even tell you how to confirm that your list was sent.

TOM: We'll keep sending and sending until we piss everyone off!

>
>We also have programs that can filter out E Mail "bombs" and other
>irritating toys played with at your expense by people who don't
>have a life.

MIKE: Hey, I DO have a life, that's why I don't want your stupid junk
e-mail!

> As part of our service, at no extra charge we will set up
a
>special E Mail box for you just to receive the responses, both good
>and bad,

CROW: But mostly bad, I'd reckon...

> to your campaign. We filter out the "please remove me from your
>list" requests, along with the negative responses from the "Internuts,"
and
>forward your actual leads to you.

MIKE: That's right, we'll get rid of all the bad responses so you can
think
that people actually WANT to be bothered by you.

> When we first began exploring bulk
>E mail, we contacted numerous firms advertising that they would send out
>bulk E mail. What we got was answering machines, disconnected numbers,
>and no call backs.

MIKE: Nobody likes you.
CROW: Yeah; get a clue, already!

> The one firm that did contract us would only send
>limited numbers of E mails for us, and then only if we had already sent
the
>list out once and taken off all the removes (go figure...if we could send

>out the list once, what did we need them for?). We finally got so
>exasperated, we set up our own system.

TOM: One day we might actually come up with one that works!

> And are we glad we did.
Speaking
>as a marketing man with over 30 years experience in major advertising,

MIKE: And after having numerous doors slammed in my face...

>E Mail marketing will change the face of advertising and cost of sale
>forever. I do not believe that has ever been

TOM: "That has ever been" what?
MIKE: I think it's supposed to be "that _there_ has ever been"...
CROW: So, this guy wants us to buy his product and doesn't even do a
grammar check?

> a vehicle like it in
>history to allow anyone of any size and any budget to advertise and sell
>their products literally overnight.

MIKE: And there never will be!

> We employ 18 people,

TOM: Haha... THAT'S their "numerous staff"?

> and I
>guarantee you that when you contact us as (818) 701-2001, you'll get a
call
>back. Right away.

CROW: Well, you know... Whenever we get around to it...

> Following is a price list to give you an idea of the
>quality of our company.

MIKE: Um, no, it tells you how much you charge... It says nothing about
quality...

> Please bear in mind that Bulk E Mail is most
>effective in large numbers.

MIKE: So spend, spend, spend!
TOM: And remember, the more Netizens you piss off, the better!

> All prices listed include our setting up a
>special E Mail Box for you to receive all responses, "take me off your
>list" requests, and hassles from Internuts, as well as your leads.

TOM; So, doesn't the fact that you have to set up a "special" address
just
for this tell you something?
MIKE: Like, if you used your real addy, you'd be mail-bombed back to the
Stone Age?

>We will forward only your leads to you.
>
>Price List To Send Bulk E Mail:
>
>Amount Cost Set Up (One Time Fee)
>
>50,000 $200.00 $50.00 (Includes The E Mail List)
>
>100,000 $350.00 $50.00 (Includes The E Mail List)
>
>150,000 $425.00 $50.00 (Includes The E Mail List)
>
>250,000 $575.00 $50.00 (Includes The E Mail List)
>
>500,000 $775.00 $50.00 (Includes The E Mail List)
>
>1,000,000 $975.00 $50.00 (Includes The E Mail List)

MIKE: Ummm... The Set-up fee is the same no matter what- why didn't they
just say that to begin with instead of making a whole extra column?

>If you wish us to program a "hot link" in your E Mail message so someone
>can simply "click" on it

MIKE: And send you "threatening letters" and "contact your sysop" AND
your
"Web provider".

> and be transferred to your WEB site, the charge
>is $50.00. Bulk E Mail amounts above 1,000,000 per sending will be bid
>on a case by case basis.

MIKE: So, we can charge you as much as we want!

>

>If you wish to modem us a list, there may be a small charge for down
load
>depending on list size. If you wish us to "clean" your list

TOM: Dirty, dirty list...

> (remove all
>duplicates and bad addresses), we will supply a bid on a case by case
>basis as with writing your marketing materials and other services.

MIKE: In other words, it's gonna cost you a LOT.

>If we may be of service to you, please call us directly at (818)
701-2001.
>Thank you.

CROW: Bite me.

>
>
>

MIKE: Uhh... I think it's over...
TOM: Yeah- but here comes thee main attraction...
MIKE: Argh...

> <Open on a space prison. Maniacal laughter.>
>Female voice: "Warden. I demand to see the Warden!"

MIKE: <falsetto> Attica! Attica!
CROW <same> Kill Whitey!

>Warden: "Warden Opus at your service."

CROW: "Warden Opus"? Where's Officer Bill the Cat?

>Female voice: "Let me out of here. I'm not supposed to be here- I'm not

> who you think I am."

MIKE: <falsetto, but loud> I'm The Amazing RONDO!

>Warden: That would mean we made a mistake.
>Female voice: Yes, a mistake, right!
>Warden: Wrong.

TOM: But thanks for playing!

> There are no mistakes in Prison Luff. Only prisoners.

MIKE: <as if explaining to a small child> Hence the name, "Prison" Luff...

> Prisoner that will never again see the light of day. Like you.
Have
> a nice day

MIKE: <falsetto> Bite me.

>Female voice: No, no please, I have to get out of here!
> <We see inside the cell; the prisoner is a young girl with
> rainbow-colored hair>

MIKE: Rainbow Brite! NO!

> <OPENING CREDITS>
> <Close-up of an eye>

ALL: AH!
TOM: Don't DO that!

>Harlan Ellison VO: The Eye of the Future sees them.

CROW: That wouldn't happen if they'd keep their blinds closed.

> Five clever
>space cadets snuck aboard an alien ship, flung through a weird hole in
>space, light-years away from the academy.

MIKE: Oh, like I don't have problems of my own, pal!

> Sure, it seemed like a good
>idea at the time,

CROW: No, not really.

> but will they ever

>get home? Or are they forever destined to be... SPPAAAAACE CASES??

TOM: No and yes, but not necessarily in that order.
CROW: I say "both".

<End Part 1>
-------------------------

MST3K and all characters and situations contained therein are the
brainchild of Joel Hodgson, and are the property of Best Brains, Inc.
They are used here without permission for purposes of entertainment only.

Space Cases and all characters and situations contained therein are the
brainchild of Peter David and Billy Mumy, and are owned by Nickelodeon and
Cinar Productions. They are used here without persmission for the
purposes of entertainment only. This post was not intended as a slight on
PAD, Billy Mumy, or any of the fine cast or crew of Space Cases; simply as
a way of
letting off steam about an episode that I felt isn't up to SC's usual high
standards.

"You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think _Red_Zone_Cuba_ had *any* kinda negative effect on me..."
-Crow T. Robot, _MST3K_
Catherine Johnson ---------- MiSTie #75,125 ---------- TCur...@aol.com

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