MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "All The King's Horses" (2/5)
Mighty Jack
>Chapter Two
>Day Two
MIKE: Earth-Two.
CROW: Mike, I just pictured a Golden Age Marrissa Picard. You die slowly
and horribly in your sleep for that.
>Early Morning
TOM SERVO: Now is the morning of our discontent.
>
> Marrissa yawned as she entered the kitchen. It was ten o'clock.
MIKE: P.M.
TOM SERVO: See that? She's even a workaholic at slacking off.
>She was wearing blue jeans and a black T-shirt with the Enterprise
>printed on it.
CROW: Fangirl! Fangirl!
TOM SERVO: Yes, crass commercialism is alive and well in the 24th century.
> Her father had been up since dawn. "Good Morning,"
>Jean-Luc Picard greeted. "Still sleepy I see."
CROW [as Marrissa]: Couldn't sleep... I kept having this awful nightmare
where I was stuck in some French hick town, and...
oh. Never mind.
> "I'm catching up on sleep," Marrissa replied. "Where is
>everyone?"
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Left France forever to avoid you. Toast?
> "Marie took Theresa in for her checkup," Jean-Luc responded.
CROW: The vet's afraid they'll have to put her to sleep, poor girl.
>"Robert is tending the vines and Rene is over at the stables exercising
>horses."
MIKE: Actually he's exorcising horses. He's thinking about becoming a
minister.
> "What are you going to do today?" Marrissa asked.
TOM SERVO [as Brain]: The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to
take over the *world*!
> "I think I'll go into town and see if any thing changed in the
>last three years," Jean-Luc said.
CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Then I'll remember what kind of a pathetic backwater
I grew up in and drink my misery away.
> "Would you like to join me?"
> "Any shops in town?" Marrissa asked.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: No. Labarre has outlawed all commercial activity.
We're all communists now.
> "I'm short on shirts."
CROW: And Steve-o is short on talent.
TOM SERVO: How does Marrissa keep running out of clothing? She lives on
a starship with a replicator, right?
>
> The town of Labarre was not very big.
TOM SERVO: Changing it's name from 'Lavar' didn't help, either.
MIKE: Huh?
TOM SERVO: It's in Cadet Cruise. Look it up.
> It was dominated by two
>buildings;
CROW: The Wal*Mart superstore and the Piggly Wiggly.
> the town hall, a four-story gray building in the Renaissance
>style; and the white Gothic style Catholic Church. Several small shops
>alternated with town houses between the two.
MIKE: You know, except for the architecture, this sounds like every "city"
in Indiana.
> As they passed the church
>an old priest in a black priest's shirt came out and said,
TOM SERVO [as Dave Letterman]: HEY YOU KIDS, GET OFF MY LAWN!
> "Good
>Morning, Jean-Luc."
> "Father Francis, I didn't know you had left San Francisco,"
>Jean-Luc remarked.
CROW [as Francis]: Yes, but my heart's still there.
MIKE: Suddenly Jean-Luc's back in "Jeffrey".
> "Did the Cadets finally get to you?"
CROW [as Francis]: Actually, the results of the paternity test came in,
and then the altar boys started talking....
MIKE: Thanks for waiting until Chapter Two to start offending people, Crow.
> "It was time to move to a less stressful post," Father Francis
>said. "So when Father Pierre died last fall,
TOM SERVO [as evil Chekov]: ... we *all* moved up in rank!
> I asked for his post."
CROW [as Francis]: And his car. Hey, he won't be needing it anymore!
> "Who's in charge in San Francisco now?" Jean-Luc asked.
MIKE [as Francis]: Uh, the mayor and the board of supervisors, just
like always. Why do you ask?
> "I had
>assumed that you took over the Archdiocese since Archbishop Carson
>became Pope."
TOM SERVO: Wow. King of late night television *and* spiritual father.
MIKE [as Ed McMahon]: And now, ladies and gentlemen, heeeeeeeeeeeere's
THE PONTIFF!
CROW [as Johnny Carson]: Stop me if you've heard this one, but a priest,
a minister and a rabbi all walked into a bar...
there's no punchline, but if you don't laugh
I'll excommunicate all of you and see you damned
to Hell for all eternity.
MIKE [as Ed McMahon]: Hwah hwah hwah... HIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> "I declined the post. I'm too old to be running around with
>Cadets and consoling Admirals," Father Francis said. "Bishop Hanson of
>Alpha Centauri got the post.
CROW: It was the least they could do for his rendition of "MMMBop".
TOM SERVO: So why is it an entire solar system gets a bishop when each
city on Earth gets its own?
> Who is this young companion of yours?"
MIKE [as Francis]: And why is she hissing and backing away from my
crucifix?
> "Oh, this is my newly adopted daughter Marrissa," Jean-Luc said.
CROW [as Francis]: Uh... you can still change your mind, right?
>"Marrissa, this is Father Francis.
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: Marrissa, say hello to the man at whom you're
going to spit pea soup.
CROW [deep, gravelly voice]: There is no Marrissa. Only... ZUUUUUUUUUUL!
> He was my confessor during my
>Academy days."
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: He used to put me in a comfy chair and poke me with
soft cushions until I confessed.
> "Pleased to meet you Father Francis," Marrissa said.
> "Pleased to meet you, young Marrissa," Father Francis responded.
TOM SERVO: Father, Daughter; Daughter, Father.
MIKE: Father, Father; Daughter, Daughter.
CROW: Daughter, Father; Father, Daughter.
TOM SERVO: Daughter, Daughter; Father, Father.
>"So Jean-Luc, where are you off to today. Is it the restaurants, the
>parks, or the bars?"
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: The bars, of course. Nothing like starting the day
with a good drunk. And with my 12-year old daughter
in tow, too.
> "The T-shirt shop," Jean-Luc remarked. "Marrissa didn't pack
>enough."
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: She's always running low on T-shirt shops.
> "Mind if I join you?" the priest asked. "I'm leading a retreat
>of seminarians and I've got to get some T-shirts as well."
CROW: The Father can't get enough of those "Big Johnson" T-Shirts.
MIKE: Your collection dollars at work.
>
> A brass bell rang when Jean-Luc, Marrissa, and Father Francis
>entered the shop.
TOM SERVO [as doorman from Wizard of Oz]: WHO RANG THAT BELL?!?
> A heavy oak counter ran across the back of the shop.
CROW: It bopped into the wall and fell down.
>In the front of the shop were several racks of finished shirts.
MIKE: Each shirt was hand-picked and barrel-aged for that authentic
wearing experience.
> As one
>of them appeared to contain shirts around her size, Marrissa walked over
>to it and began to look through it.
TOM SERVO: So Marrissa's got X-ray vision now?
> Jean-Luc stood behind her near the
>door. Father Francis walked over to the counter.
CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Getaway car's clear. You have the phaser?
MIKE [as Francis]: Yeah. We attack the cashier on three.
> As he reached it, a
>black-haired man came out from behind the curtain in the back of the
>shop.
CROW: Jean-Luc could tell by the way he held the shotgun he meant business.
> "Good morning Father," he said.
> "Good morning, Philippe," Father Francis said. "I have to
>purchase thirty T-shirts for a retreat."
TOM SERVO: Bad choice of words, Father... the French are still touchy about
that World War II thing.
> "I'll go get my religious designs," Philippe excused himself.
MIKE [as Philippe]: Um, I've got dunking chairs, tainted Koolade, power
crystals, the Hale-Bopp comet... what denomination did
you say you were again?
CROW: They're right next to the Elvis designs. Not much difference,
really.
> Father Francis turned back to look at Marrissa and Jean-Luc as
>he waited for Philippe's return. Marrissa had just pulled out a light
>blue shirt with the town hall and Saint Andrew's in the foreground.
TOM SERVO: Proving that even in the future, small-town tourist items are
still bland and uninteresting.
>Rows of grape vines stretched out behind the buildings and Jean-Luc's
>head was painted above them.
CROW: Aw, great, they wandered into a Creation Convention.
> With a mischievous grin, Marrissa turned
>around and asked, holding it up against her chest, "What do you think?"
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Well, maybe when puberty sets in it'll look a little
more... oh. You meant the shirt.
> Jean-Luc looked at the shirt. He read the inscription below the
>picture, "I visited Labarre, France, Home of Captain Picard."
ALL [reciting dully]: ... and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
> His eyes
>looked up to the ceiling, "What possessed Philippe to create such a
>shirt."
TOM SERVO: Either the Devil or Ratliff.
> "You don't like it?" Marrissa asked, careful to keep her
>laughter out of her voice.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Why can't you just get a Metallica T-shirt like all
the other kids?
> "Marrissa, I'd like to have it burnt," Jean-Luc said in a
>monotone.
CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Fetch the gasoline like a good girl, Marrissa. I know
I've got a lighter here somewhere....
> "Good, because I think its trash," Marrissa said.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: I mean just look at that hideous freak on the shirt!
What's he doing, warning us against tractor acciden--
oh, sorry dad!
> "Now this one
>is much more to my tastes." She pulled out a red shirt with black
>shoulders. Across the shirt in silver letters was written 'Future
>Star Fleet Officer.'
CROW [as Marrissa]: Future Genocidial Maniac was all sold out.
> "Nice choice," Jean-Luc said.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: I prefer sleazy commercialism that's a little more
restrained.
TOM SERVO: Yes, folks, this is about as subtle as the foreshadowing gets
around here.
> Meanwhile, Philippe had returned and laid out the book of
>designs. "What would you like to start with?"
CROW [as Francis]: Oh, I don't know, you got one of a half-open skull
with flaming red eyes and blood pouring out the top
onto a naked babe?
> "A cross, Latin I think," the priest said. "And an inscription,
>'seminarian retreat 2370 Rome' and I need some sort of slogan, but
>one escapes me for the moment."
MIKE: We've got a few ideas... right guys?
CROW: "Priests do it in an altared state."
TOM SERVO: "Kiss Me, I'm Catholic"
MIKE: "Sexy but celibate."
CROW: "I was a minor character dragooned into Ratliff's ghastly
fanfic and all I've got to show for it is this lousy T-shirt!"
TOM SERVO: How about: "Murder and oppression are our specialty."?
MIKE: "The Catholic Church: Not just for Inquisitions anymore!"
CROW: "Spreading our tentacles over half the galaxy."
MIKE: "We still won't acknowledge everything from World War II!"
TOM SERVO: "The Final Fatima Prophecy - so what!"
CROW: "Get thee behind me Satan, or I'll kick your ass!"
> "How about Expectant Father," Marrissa said from across the
>room, grinning. All eyes turned to her.
[dead silence]
CROW [as Francis]: *You* adopted her.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: I know... I *know*...
> "Well they are about to become
>priests, and that is what you call priests."
TOM SERVO: That explanation provided for all the space aliens who know
nothing about human civilization who might read this story.
CROW: So, most anyone you find on Usenet, then?
MIKE: Ka-zing!
> "Expectant Father . . . I like it," Father Francis responded
>after a moment.
TOM SERVO: Even men of the cloth were no match for Marrissa's indomitable
will.
> He pointed to a particular design and continued,
>"Philippe, I like this one.
CROW [as Francis]: Drawing of a tuxedo on a T-shirt, cracks me up every
time.
> Put the event here and 'Expectant
>Father' right below it in larger type. I'd like it in black with white
>print."
MIKE [as Philippe]: Right. I can get it to you in blue or red.
> Meanwhile Marrissa had picked out a couple T-shirts. Jean-Luc
>paid for them and the two walked back to the vineyard.
TOM SERVO: That was gripping... but I didn't like where I was gripped.
>
> Marie was sweeping the walk when they got there. She looked up
>and said,
CROW [as Marie]: Welcome... to... Stepford. You... will... like... it...
here.
> "Marrissa, Rene wants to know if you'd accompany him to the
>stables."
MIKE [falsetto]: He asked me! He asked me!
> "Yes," Marrissa responded.
TOM SERVO: Such scintillating dialogue. I can't wait to hear more.
> "He's in his room at the moment," Marie remarked. "Go tell
>him." Marrissa skipped into the house. When Marrissa was inside, Marie
>spoke up again,
CROW [as Marie]: I don't know how you people do things on your fancy-
schmancy Enterprise, but down here, good decent folks
don't skip. They trudge with the weight of their dull,
monotonous lives pressing down hard upon their shoulders.
> "You've got a very happy young girl, Jean-Luc."
MIKE: Absolute power has that effect on people.
> "You wouldn't have said that if you'd seen her before we left
>the Enterprise," Jean-Luc responded.
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: I'm very careful to deprive her of joy twice
daily. It builds character.
> "She was positively depressed.
>Her parent's death hit her hard, but the moment we left the ship, she
>perked up."
CROW: She knew by then that her plan to attach herself to Jean-Luc like a
limpet had succeeded.
> "Then don't expect it to last," Marie said.
> "Oh?"
MIKE [as Marie]: Puberty will make her a surly shrew.
> "Right now she's seeing something new. It keeps her mind off
>her sorrow. Eventually she will remember again."
> "I had hoped the nightmares and depression were over."
CROW: So did we...
TOM SERVO: Jean-Luc's new at this emotion stuff.
> "They will be diminished, but only time will heal."
MIKE: Unless it reveals a new series of tragedies and horrors to her, in
which case time wounds over and over.
CROW: Of course, there *are* the will-deadening drugs to consider....
> "I've had many officers die under my command, and had to tell
>many of their children of their parent's death before.
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: It was getting to be like an assembly line. In.
Out. Lickity split. No fuss, no muss. It's how
a sensitive and touchy situation like this
*should* be handled.
> Until Marrissa,
>I don't think I really had any idea how it affected them though."
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Me being an insensitive bastard and all.
> "You have a daughter now, Jean-Luc. That changes everything."
CROW [as Marie]: For one thing, now you have a tax writeoff.
>Chapter Three
>Day Two
>Midday
CROW: Mike?
MIKE: Yes, Crow?
CROW: At the start of this fic, we were promised horses. It's now Chapter
Three, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of a magnificent steed. If
I don't see some horsies pronto, I'm going to start torching the
place!
>
> Marrissa knocked on Rene's door. "Come in," Rene's voice said.
TOM SERVO: ... after he scrambled to zip up his pants and hide the
Playboys.
>Marrissa entered. The room was white walled where pictures of starships
>and starship Captains inter-spaced with the occasional horse picture
>wasn't covering.
MIKE: So he's a cross between a Star Trek geek and a 12-year-old girl?
CROW: In other words, if Marrissa was a real person?
> There was a single bed with a black bedspread under
>the window.
TOM SERVO [singing]: I see a bedspread and I want it painted black....
> There was a dresser, a book case, and a desk; all made of
>walnut.
CROW: Hmmm, edible furniture. What a concept!
> All available surfaces were covered with model starships.
MIKE: All *right*! A *modeling* nerd!
> Rene
>was working on a model of the Enterprise-C.
MIKE [as Rene]: So I used a test article to see how the spillover from the
cyanoacrylates affected the paint....
CROW [as Marrissa]: Thank you.
> He had the stardrive
>section complete except for the warp engines which he was fastening the
>red tips on.
MIKE [as Rene]: And I checked -- these are in 1/4178th scale, which really
frosts my shorts because these others are in 1/4125th
which is a much more standard scale....
CROW [as Marrissa]: All right, thanks.
> "Did you make all of these?" Marrissa asked.
> "From kits," Rene said proudly.
MIKE [as Rene]: Anyway, I found the rear secondary phaser arrays were
nearly half a scale foot too large when I checked my
references....
CROW [as Marrissa]: Yeah, fascinating.
> "I started with the
>Enterprise-D over there." He pointed to the model on the dresser.
MIKE [as Rene]: So after I did a test paint on some of the skeleton to
make sure the paint dried to the right shade -- the one
they suggest has a slight gloss that gets distorted under
the decal set compound....
CROW [as Marrissa]: O-kaaaaay.
>"Then I did the Stargazer. When the Nebula came out I did it.
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: I was going to do the Voyager model, but nobody could
find that one.
> I was
>finished before they commissioned the second ship.
MIKE [as Rene]: Anyway, so I did some kitbashing 'cause the ERTL kits
just don't match with the putty well and found by using
different bottles of the same paint color I could get the
detail effect I want under indirect and reflected light....
CROW [as Marrissa]: Right, right.
> Then I started on
>the rest of the Enterprises,
MIKE [as Rene]: But it takes so long to sand those lousy raised panel
lines off the saucer. MAN, I hate those. I spend all
afternoon with the emory board and it just makes me....
CROW [as Marrissa]: This is only interesting to YOU, Rene.
> but I haven't had as much time since I got
>the job at the stables."
> "I know how that is," Marrissa commented.
> "Oh?"
TOM SERVO: Yeah, she knows what it's like to have a stable position.
[Mike thwacks Tom in the head]
> "Jay Gordon and I started a club,
CROW [as Marrissa]: Oh, no, wait, we started clubbing people. My mistake.
> after we were trapped in the
>turbolift with Captain Picard, to learn how to command and run the ship
>and have some fun doing it," Marrissa began.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: We never had friends, you know.
TOM SERVO: Oh yeah, that compares perfectly with having an ACTUAL JOB.
> "We decided that whoever
>had the highest time in a recently retired Academy scenario would be in
>charge.
CROW: Once again, the Kobayashi Maru rears its ugly, overused head!
TOM SERVO: I think Ratliff is finally tired of getting beat up for this
for every fanfic he writes.
> I lasted longer . . . so I have to makes sure everything is
>ready for our twice weekly meeting."
MIKE [as Jay]: Bean dip?
CROW [as Marrissa]: Check.
MIKE [as Jay]: Extra greasy Muncharoos Brand Simulated Potato Flavour
Chips?
CROW [as Marrissa]: Check.
MIKE [as Jay]: Three cases of Burping Baby Cola?
CROW [as Marrissa]: Check.
MIKE [as Jay]: Detailed coup plans for seizing the bridge of the
Enterprise?
CROW [as Marrissa]: Check.
MIKE [as Jay]: Great, we're in business! Break out the chips and pass me
a phaser!
> "How did you end up trapped in the turbolift with Uncle
>Jean-Luc?" Rene asked.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: I can't say until after the civil trial finishes.
> "It was a couple of years ago," Marrissa began.
ALL: FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK!
> "I had just won
>the science fair for the first time. Everyone in my class wanted to
>win.
MIKE: The writers were getting desperate. They'd used most of the good
ideas last season.
> The prize was a
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... blind date with Commander Riker. Second
prize was two dates with Commander Riker.
> tour of the ship by the Captain. Captain Picard
>was a hero to most of them,
CROW [as Marrissa]: ... because they never saw my videotapes of him.
> but at the time I needed the A.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... so I resolved to kiss some serious butt.
> My father
>had told me that if I got an A, he would
CROW [as Marrissa]: ... finally let me out of the garage and let me sleep
in the house.
> take me camping, and I love
>camping.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Especially on the holodeck, where every bit of
everything is absolutely synthetic, controlled,
predictable, and harmless!
TOM SERVO: Um... the one on Star Trek? The weekly technological
disaster?
MIKE: Oh yeah. Forgot myself.
> So I worked and studied until I had the best project I'd ever
>done.
MIKE: She modified a Sega Master System to accept Game Gear carts.
> I won and Counselor Troi brought me, Jay Gordon, and Patterson
>Supra to the bridge to claim our prize."
CROW [as Marrissa]: But first we had to write checks to the people running
the contest, and we couldn't let anyone in the
government know about it....
> "I was so nervous that I couldn't even look up to see the
>Captain.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: If he found my secret vial of Ratliff Gas, the
whole plan would go wrong!
> It was my first time on the bridge, and all I saw of it was
>the carpet and the Captain Picard's boots."
CROW [as Marrissa]: Which I was then instructed to lick clean.
> "When we got in the turbolift, he asked us about our science
>projects. Jay and Patterson told him about their projects. Then the
>Captain asked about mine.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: A simulated potholder... fascinating...
> I gathered up my courage and looked up at
>him. Just as I was about to tell him, my science project struck."
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: My campaign to take over the Enterprise had begun.
> "Your science project ran amuck on the Enterprise?" Rene
>interrupted.
CROW: Oh, whose don't?
> "No, my science project was an analyst of quantum filament
>distribution and movement.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: We got those words from the random technobabble
generator.
> That day, two hit the Enterprise.
TOM SERVO [sarcastically]: What are the odds?
> Anyway
>the turbolift started to fall, and Jay, Patterson, and I started to
>scream. The Captain stated the obvious,
CROW: Isn't that the Counselor's job?
> and only made things worse."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: He insisted that we pull his finger.
> "Finally the lift stopped. We were on spread out on the floor
>of the lift and he had a broken ankle.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Served him right for being such a butthead.
> The Captain tried to contact
>someone, but communications were out. Jay stated that 'they're all
>dead.' This was enough to get us all crying.
MIKE [as Marrissa, crying]: No more tormenting our teachers!
CROW [as Marrissa, crying]: No more harassing our friends' parents!
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa, crying]: No more psychologically abusing the
younger kids!
> The Captain tried to
>reassure us and told us to 'stop crying.' We only got louder."
> "Then he hit
CROW [as Marrissa]: ... us all really hard with the butt end of his
phaser. That shut us up real quick.
> upon the idea of appointing us his crew.
TOM SERVO: And thus began a long, galactic nightmare.
> He made
>Patterson his Executive Officer in charge of radishes,
CROW: Radishes?!
TOM SERVO: Radishes.
MIKE: It's official Trek canon, guys.
CROW: You think that makes it BETTER?!
> Jay was his
>Science Officer, and he appointed me his First Officer, his Number One.
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Okay, but *radishes*?
CROW [as Marrissa]: Shut up.
>I had never been selected for anything before. I had always been the
>shy little girl in the back of the room.
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Uh-huh. Sure. So when Uncle Jean-Luc started going
off on radishes, you knew he'd gotten a full dose of
goofy juice, right?
CROW [as Marrissa]: Thank you. Yes.
> I still have those two rank
>pips in my jewelry box."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Along with twenty others that will eventually be
pinned to my uniform... but that's another story.
> "Anyway he enlisted us to check on the safety clamps.
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: So you listened to him after he appointed somebody
in charge of radishes?
CROW [as Marrissa]: Would you get *over* it already?
> Jay
>reported that one was broken.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Then he admitted he didn't have a clue what he was
doing.
> The Captain explained the need for us to
>leave, telling us to leave him behind. After a couple comments from Jay
>and Patterson, I summoned up my courage and told him that we all were
>going or were all staying.
TOM SERVO [as Kurt Russell]: You go... we go.
> He agreed, but told me it was mutiny."
CROW [as Marrissa]: It was merely a foretaste of things to come.
> "We chained ourselves together with some optical cabling and
>climbed up the shaft.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Luckily we brought a block and tackle set along so
us three little kids could haul a full-grown man with
a broken ankle out the top of the turbolift.
> When the turbolift gave way, we got a little
>scared.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Since we were being kept from horrible, painful
death by something with the tensile strength of
spaghetti.
> So he asked me if I knew a song. All I could think of was a
>lame tune called 'The Laughing Vulcan and his Dog.' The Captain
>didn't know it
CROW: 'Cause it would have taken a writer to make up the song.
> and suggested 'Frere Jacques.'
TOM SERVO: The "writers" figured he would have to love that stupid song,
being French and all.
> So we
MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... laughed in his face and cut him loose.
> sang that until
>we reached a door that would open."
> "So that's it?" Rene asked.
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Please? I'll give you a dollar.
CROW: Actually, I have a feeling this boring recap of events everybody is
already familiar with is going to grind on for a least a half-
dozen more paragraphs.
> "No, later we made a plaque to give to the Captain," Marrissa
>said.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: We had a sandwich for breakfast. It was lightly
toasted and had ham, a fine prosciutto with a bit of
Kosciusko mustard. It was served with a light ginger
ale that was slightly flat. They...
TOM SERVO: Enough.
> "Counselor Troi brought us to the Bridge to give it to the
>Captain.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: This gave me the perfect opportunity to dope the rest
of the bridge crew with Ratliff Gas.
> Commander Riker was
CROW [as Marrissa]: ... busy reading the Romulan edition of Penthouse.
> in command. He made a comment that the
>Counselor couldn't stay away from the command chair. Apparently she'd
>been in command during the disaster."
TOM SERVO: Or, well, in command of the two other people she could contact,
actually.
> "The Ship's Counselor in command?" Rene interrupted.
MIKE [as Rene]: I'm surprised you lived to tell about it!
> "It's not a usual situation," Marrissa said.
CROW: Yeah, she was an adult at the tail end of the story. Usually
Ratliff has 'em all killed off by then!
> "Anyway, she
>replied, that she wasn't 'cut out for the big chair' but said that
>First Officer might be more to her liking,
TOM SERVO: 'Cause she was more than able to ask stupid questions that
lead into exposition.
> citing its lack of real
>qualifications.
MIKE: Just like Vice-President.
> Then Riker called the Captain to the Bridge. We
>presented him with the plaque and he promised to finish the tour.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: For some reason it resumed with me looking at
the inside of the phaser cannon.
> As he
>left the bridge, he said 'You have the Bridge, Number One.'
>Automatically both Commander Riker and I said 'Aye sir.'
ALL: Wah wah wah wwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhhh...
> He turned
>back to me and I laughed nervously. He winked at me
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: I knew what the wink meant and I hated him for it.
> and left the
>bridge."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: And then we had to sit through some lousy commercials
and the closing credits.
CROW: You know, this kind of thing was fine... before they invented *VCRs*!
TOM SERVO: Sort of like being there, isn't it?
MIKE: Sure is. Reading this, I get the same throbbing headache and
feeling that Gene Roddenberry is doing 360s in his grave that
I got when watching this very episode.
> Rene looked at his clock and said,
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: *sigh*... will this torment *never* end?
> "Its time for me to depart
>for the stables,
MIKE [as Rene, muttering]: At least the *horses* won't talk my ear off....
> would you like to come along?"
CROW [as Rene, whispering]: Please say no, please say no....
> "Yes," Marrissa responded.
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Damn. Me and my big mouth...
> "Can you ride?" Rene asked as they exited his room.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Are you kidding? I've owned a Harley for years!
> "I qualified as level seven on the Day-Lucas jockey
>qualifications scenario," Marrissa said.
MIKE: Yeah, but what was her Horsiyashi Maru time?
> "That's only one below my qualifications," Rene said amazed.
TOM SERVO: Trust us, Rene, you get used to this kind of thing *real quick*
around her....
>"What got a starship resident like you interested in horse racing?"
CROW [as Marrissa]: Ratliff spent his entire summer vacation reading
Dick Francis novels, I think.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Besides, I have to be better than everybody at
*everything*.
> "Well to tell the truth
CROW [as game show announcer]: ... with your host, Garry Moore!
MIKE & TOM: [applause]
> I started out trying to prove that I was
>old enough to ride my own horse the next time my family went on a
>camping trip," Marrissa explained as they walked down stairs and out the
>door "I was ten years old and determined to show that I was the best.
>So I asked for the hardest program.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: The holodeck made two foam blocks appear and told
me the objective was to genetically engineer a
virus that would transform me into a horse.
> It took me two months to get past
>level two, and I just got to level seven last week."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: It got much easier once I found the cheat code!
> "Then we don't have to worry about anything," Rene commented.
> "Worry?" Marrissa asked.
CROW [as Marrissa]: What, me worry?
> "We're short one rider this week," Rene said.
TOM SERVO: Uh oh, here it comes... Marrissa wins the Preakness, the
Belmont Stakes, *and* the Kentucky Derby all in the same
weekend. Pardon me while I toss my cookies.
> "Mike,
MIKE: AAAAAHHHH!!! [Mike ducks down below the seats]
TOM SERVO: Mike! What's wrong, buddy? Snap out of it!
MIKE [coming back up]: I... I'm okay. For a second there, I thought I was
a character in a Ratliff fanfic. It was horrible...
horrible...
> the
>trainer, wants to test the horses to see how they function in a crowd.
CROW [as Rene]: So... can you be seventeen thousand people?
>Five horses aren't really enough to see how a horse runs, but six is a
>lot better."
MIKE [as Michael Palin]: Seven is *right* out.
TOM SERVO: Apparently horses increase on a logarithmic scale.
>
> Rene arrived at Stargazer Stables' trainer's office. The head
>trainer, Michael White
MIKE [relieved]: THANK YOU, Ratliff, for picking any name but Nelson!
TOM SERVO: So the mayor of Cleveland is their horse trainer?
> was behind his desk, stitching a bridle. He was
>man of about sixty with white hair.
CROW [as trainer]: I've spent my life on this bridle... I toiled away my
years of sowing wild oats just so I could work on this,
my magnum opus.
> He was wearing an old faded red
>sweat shirt
TOM SERVO: The Starfleet Santa Squad!
> with the words "U.S.S. Stargazer Engineering, Lesser is
>better" written across the front.
MIKE: Could somebody please explain to me how that slogan makes any
sense whatsoever?
> "Reporting for duty sir," Rene
>announced.
CROW [as Rene]: And I want a rubber ducky and a Nintendo and a horsey --
oh, wait, I guess I don't have to ask for that -- uh, and
a 1/144 Saturn I-B model, and...
> "You're not a Cadet yet, Rene," the man responded looking up
>from his work.
TOM SERVO [as Mike/Santa]: Let's see now... have you been fighting with
your parents again?
> "Sorry Mike," Rene said. "May I introduce my new cousin,
>Marrissa?"
MIKE: She's there to replace the old cousin he broke last week.
> "Good afternoon, Marrissa," Mike responded.
TOM SERVO [as Mike/Santa]: Wellll! What would *you* like, little girl?
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Thanks, Santa, but I *take* what I want.
> "You said you might
>have a solution to our shortage of jockeys for today's test race, Rene?"
CROW [as Mike]: Buy some more underwear? Very funny, Rene!
> "Yes, Marrissa," Rene said.
TOM SERVO [as Mike]: Stop calling me Marrissa!
> Mike surveyed the young girl.
MIKE [as Mike]: So, Marrissa, do you approve or disapprove of the
president's performance since he took office?
> She was almost five feet tall,
>and her bearing was quite regal.
CROW: There is something so "Logan's Run" about this scene.
> Something about her reminded him of
>the Princess Royal of Great Britain
MIKE: She was a deeply inbred, emotionally deranged, over-promoted doofus
with delusions of grandeur... hey, wait a minute...
TOM SERVO: Too bad *this* princess isn't destined to die in France.
> who had recently tried to purchase
>several of the stable's stock.
CROW: But, even with junk bonds, she couldn't acquire enough stock to
gain a controlling interest.
> Physically, Mike could see no reason why
>she couldn't ride horses, but more than that would be required before
>she rode his horses.
TOM SERVO: She'd have to ride *him* first!
MIKE: Oh, ick...
> "Marrissa, do you have any riding experience?"
>Mike asked.
CROW [as Mike]: Have you brought your resume with you?
> "I've been riding horses since I was eight, sir," Marrissa said.
>"I recently tested myself on the Day-Lucas program and received a rating
>of seven."
TOM SERVO: Great, we get a break from hearing her Kobayashi Maru scores
and it turns into the same thing, different test.
> "Can I look at those records?" Mike asked. He had known only a
>couple at her age that had those qualifications.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: You *dare* to question my word, peasant?! *Off* with
his head!
> "If you have a com link, I should be able to pull a copy from
>the Enterprise," Marrissa said.
CROW: In the future, we'll *all* have fax machines!
> Mike gestured over to a console in the
>back the office, nearly covered with paper.
TOM SERVO: Aw, no, it's a Babylon 5 crossover.
> Marrissa moved some of it
>aside and quickly made the necessary connections.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: H-T-T-P-colon-backslash-backslash-W-W-W-dot-
E-N-T-E-R-P-R-I-Z-E... no, no, E-N-T-I-R.... no,
no, darn it! Surfing the web sucks when you're a
Ratliff character!
> She had mail,
CROW [as AOL voice]: You've got mail!
> but
>ignored it.
TOM SERVO: Even the urgent notice from Interpol reporting that Mike White
was wanted for running a child-murder ring.
> "There you go sir."
> "Marrissa, stop calling me sir," Mike ordered.
CROW: What is she, Marcie from the Peanuts gang all of a sudden?
MIKE [as Perry White]: Don't call me chief!
> "I haven't been
>Chief Engineer on a starship for longer than you've been alive."
TOM SERVO [as Mike]: And if it weren't for that horrible misunderstanding,
I'd *still* be cruising the galaxy instead of wasting
my life at these crummy stables sweeping up horse
apples!
> He
>took her place at the console and looked over the record.
CROW [as Mike]: Hmm... "Happiness Is A Warm Gun"... "Fool On The Hill"...
"Hello Goodbye"... is this an omen or something?
> Her pose in
>the saddle was a natural one. It showed no sign of artificial training.
MIKE: Oh come on, she's *way* too young for her saddle to be artificial,
if you know what I mean.
>He liked that. She controlled her horse, not letting it get away from
>her,
TOM SERVO: Much like every conversation she's ever been in.
> and she moved though the pack quite easily.
CROW: ... using her phaser to clear the path.
> "Not bad," he commented after he finished reviewing the record.
MIKE: He gave it three stars and wrote a four paragraph critique for
Rolling Stone magazine.
>"Marrissa, you'll ride the new filly, Lady Stargazer.
TOM SERVO: Something tells me Marrissa's gonna feel right at home with a
riding crop in her hand....
> Rene, I believe
>you like Macedonian."
MIKE [as Rene]: Oh, I *love* Macedonian, but I'll have to take some of
that Pepcid AC first.
> "Is Richard riding Warp Speed again?" Rene asked.
[Crow rhythmically beats his head against the chair]
CROW: Why. *thump* Can't. *thump* There. *thump* Be. *thump* A. *thump*
Single. *thump* Reference. *thump* In. *thump* This. *thump* Fic.
*thump* That. *thump* Doesn't. *thump* Revolve. *thump* Around.
*thump* Starships?! *thump* *thump* *thump*
> "Yes."
> "You really should let Isabelle try Warp Speed," Rene suggested.
> "Rene, leave the assignments to me," Mike stated.
MIKE [as Mike]: Look, Rene, I don't tell you how to dull the senses of
everyone who tastes that anti-freeze your family tries
to pass off as wine, and you don't tell me how to run the
horsies, understand?
TOM SERVO: Never let your jockeys have any say in how they're going to
race.
> As Marrissa and Rene waited for their turns to be lead
MIKE: Being the youngest, they had to wait until after all the adults
were transmuted into lead.
> into the
>starter's gate, Rene told her about the others they would be racing.
CROW [as Rene]: Speed Racer, the cars from 'Pole Position', Turbo Teen,
Wonder Wheels, and of course the animated 'Dukes of
Hazzard'. It's pretty unfair, but we all figured you'd
win anyway.
>"In gate one is Warp Speed, ridden by Richard," Rene began. "In two is
>Insignia, the horse that won the Preakness this year with our retired
>jockey Maurice aboard."
CROW [as Rene]: Some people call him the space cowboy, 'cause he speaks of
the pompatus of love.
> "I watched him win the Derby," Marrissa stated. "But I thought
>this was just two-year-olds."
MIKE: No, Ratliff hasn't let his heroes be *that* young yet.
> "Insignia is in to help push the horses it do better,
TOM SERVO: What? Run that by me again?
> and we
>don't have that many two year- olds," Rene said. "Anyway, in gate three
>is Jean on In the Stars.
CROW [as Rene]: Next to her is Lucy on In The Sky With Diamonds.
> Fourth is Mistress of the Stars ridden by
>Isabelle.
MIKE: So why are all the horses named after Star Trek fanfics?
> I'll be in the fifth gate, and you'll be in gate six."
TOM SERVO: International arrivals will be at gate seven; Northwest at
gate eight.
> "I'll try not to cut you off," Marrissa said, nervously.
CROW: Isn't that what John Bobbit's new wife said?
> "You'll be lucky to stay within a length,"
MIKE [as Rene]: Unless I mean a furlong.
TOM SERVO: Which is two and a quarter rods, right?
MIKE: No, that's half a hogshead.
> Rene remarked as
>Macedonian was lead into the gate.
CROW: What was he out of the gate? Gold?
>
> Over by the finish line, Mike was joined by Captain Jean-Luc
>Picard. "Which gate is Rene?"
MIKE [as Mike]: Umm... Rene's a person, Captain. I'm sorry, sir, we
should have briefed you on this.
> he asked as he head his horse, Mercutio
>up to the rail.
TOM SERVO [snickering]: All I can picture is Jean-Luc head-butting his
horse over to the rail....
> "He's in 5," Mike said. "Your Marrissa is in 6."
CROW [as Mike]: *My* Marrissa's in three; Siemer's Marrissa is in one;
and that nice Mercer boy's Marrissa is in four.
> Then he
>pushed a button on his remote.
MIKE: Maybe he's putting the story on fast forward?
TOM SERVO: Don't bet on it.
> The gates opened and he began calling
>the race. "And they're off.
CROW [as John Cleese]: It's Queen Victoria taking the lead followed
closely by Queen Victoria. Queen Victoria is in
third with Queen Victoria coming up fast on the
outside....
> Macedonian leads out of the gate with Warp
>Speed
MIKE: Huh. A faster than light horse. Who knew?
> close behind. Insignia's third followed by In the Stars and
>Mistress of the Stars.
CROW: Now, Felix and Oscar's horse starts running out in the middle of
things!
> Lady Stargazer brings up the rear.
TOM SERVO: Far Fignewton, ridden by a pair of small white lab mice takes
the lead!
> Lady
>Stargazer passes In the Stars and Mistress as they go around the turn.
MIKE: Santa's Little Helper runs out onto the track!
>On the backstretch, Insignia and Warp Speed are battling it out with
>Macedonian, a close third.
CROW: And now Darren Stevens, turned into a horse by Andora, charges
for the front of the pack!
> Coming on fast is Lady Stargazer, she takes
>third as they enter the finial turn.
TOM SERVO [as race announcer]: And now the horses are racing up a church
steeple and over the finial! Ladies and
gentlemen, I never would have thought this
was possible!
> Down the stretch they come. Lady
>Stargazer comes up on the outside of Warp Speed and Insignia who is
>falling back.
CROW: And now Benji runs out and takes the lead!
> As they come to the wire it's Lady Stargazer by a head
>over Warp Speed.
MIKE: But they were all beaten by an English nanny who rode in on a
carousel horse at the last second!
> Macedonian finishes third over Insignia. Mistress of
>the Stars edges out In the Stars for fifth.
CROW: This concludes another thrilling episode of Marrissa Can't Lose.
MIKE: Boy, there's nothing like a good racing subplot to move a story
along, huh?
TOM SERVO: Yeah, look how well it worked in Sidehackers, Wild Rebels,
Master Ninja II, Riding With Death....
> "Good call, Mikey," Jean-Luc Picard remarked.
CROW: I'm sorry, I can't see Jean-Luc calling *anyone* "Mikey". Not even
if interstellar peace depended on it.
> "It looks like we
>may have two good Derby horses this year."
MIKE: Only two horses? That's going to be an awfully dull Kentucky Derby.
TOM SERVO: So... like your average Kentucky Derby, then?
> "That makes my job even harder," Mike said. "There seems to be
>a jockey shortage."
CROW: I think Ratliff should be made to write out the phrase
"jockey shortage" over and over again until he understands
the bad joke.
> "Richard looks good," Jean-Luc commented.
MIKE [as effeminate Jean-Luc]: Just look at the hindquarters on *that*
young stallion... hellooooo *sailor*!
> "He pushes his horse a little too much," Mike said. "And I'm
>afraid he's the local bully as well.
CROW [as Robert]: He's already beat up two horses and put a third in the
hospital.
> I've told him to stop and if he
>tries to beat up his sister Isabelle or Rene one more time, I'm firing
>him no matter how much I need a jockey."
TOM SERVO [TV announcer voice]: By day, he's a horse trainer. By night,
he crusades for justice. Tune in this
Tuesday night for _Michael: For Hire_.
This time, there's no more horsing
around... with the *law*.
> Then Marrissa came up leading Lady Stargazer. "Did you see the
>race," She asked.
CROW: Well, he *was* standing at the finish line. Some hint of the race
*may* have drifted into his view....
> "Yes I did, Marrissa," Jean-Luc replied. "You rode well."
>Marrissa blushed.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Is that enough vague parental affection for you?
I want to knock off for the week.
TOM SERVO: Let's get out of here, guys.
[Everyone gets up and leaves the theater]
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[Continued in Part Three]
Roger M. Wilcox
On Thu, 21 May 1998 04:09:51 GMT, mity...@bluemoon.net (Mighty Jack) wrote:
>
>> "Can you ride?" Rene asked as they exited his room.
>>qualifications scenario," Marrissa said.
>
>MIKE: Yeah, but what was her Horsiyashi Maru time?
This quip just about put me on the floor. I mean, it is just *SO* Marrissa
to turn a leisure hobby into a chance for one-upsmanship -- and then, you
said "Horsiyashi Maru", and <chuckle> <chuckle> 'cause it's about horsies,
and <chuckle> <snort> <guffaw!>
Roger M. "The Horsiyashi Maru isn't a test of horsemanship, it's a test
of character. The no-win scenario is a situation any jockey can
find himself in at one time or another" Wilcox
--
rog...@ix.netcom.com (Roger M. Wilcox) -- formerly known as "Tracer"
Unlawful to use this e-mail address for commercial solicitation: 47 USC 227
MSTie # 38808 | http://www.netcom.com/~rogermw ... now in EXTRA bold!
I'm sodium! <*> | "The Truth, as always, is more complicated than that"