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MiSTed: The Truth is Out There?...Possibly (1/3)

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Roland Warner

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Sep 13, 1998, 3:00:00 AM9/13/98

Crow: Oh, Mike, guess what!

Mike: Okay, I'm a pepper and you're a pepper?

Crow: No, not that! I've been reading this "Foundation" series by
Isaac Asimov, and using this psychohistory, I've managed to figure out
the future of the Satellite of Love!

Mike: Slow down there, Crow. What's "psychohistory"?

Crow: It's this thing where this guy does a bunch of research into the
past and can foresee the future using it.

Mike: So using the past history of the ol' SOL, you can predict our
future?

Crow: I sure can, and I know it right now!

Mike: This isn't going to be like that scam to get my quarter, is it?

Crow: Nope, I'm giving this info for free!

Mike: Okay then, what's in store for our future?

Crow: We'll all be forced to watch movies forever! Of course, Tom will
end up going insane when Pearl finds a copy of the new <bleep>-zilla
movie. Mike, you'll end up going crazy when she shows "The Monica
Lewinsky Story".

Mike: Well, what about you, Crow?

Crow: Me? I don't dare find out what's in store for me! I could go
insane just by finding out what it is! But of course, I also know that
the yellow light is about to flash.

Mike: Big shock. We'll be right back.

Crow: And here comes the Planet logo!

<SOL>

Crow: And we'll be back, NOW!

Mike: Will you quit it!

Tom: What's up, fellas?

Mike: Crow's predicting the future again using this "Psychohistory".

Tom: Oh, that Asimov thing?

Mike: Yeah, he's using it to predict all our futures.

Tom: Crow, you idiot! You can't use it to predict single futures,
it's only for Mob mentality.

Crow: So it can be used in the Mafia then?

Tom: Yes, Crow. I can see you being jumped by Mob gangsters in the
future!

Crow: Cool!

Mike: Yes, Mrs. Forrester?

Pearl: You guys should try to keep it down a bit. Bobo recorded all
five "Planet of the Apes" movies and is watching it, recalling all the
memories he had. Normally, I would try to intervene, but I don't think
I should this time.

Bobo: Oh, Dr. Zeus! You knew it all along!

Pearl: As you can see, it's really painful for him to watch, but he has
this "thing" for that female chimp, Dr. Zero or whatever her name is.

Observer: If I may, I'd like to try and soothe him a bit.

Pearl: Okay, you do that.

Observer: Bobo, it isn't real.

Bobo: What did you say, Brain Guy?

Observer: It isn't real, it's all just a big Hollywood movie.

Bobo: But I was there! That Bright Eyes was there with his two
companions. And we found the Lawgiver frozen.

Observer: Bobo! That really happened!

Bobo: But you just said it was all a big Hollywood movie.

Observer: Yes, I mean, No! Oh, forget it, you stupid chimp!

Bobo: Ape!

Pearl: I really think we should get to your posting this week. It's
called "The Truth is Out There?...Possibly". And I really do believe
you're sanity is at it's end!

<SOL>

Mike: Please tell me it's not an X-Files fanfiction!

<CF>

Pearl: Oh, don't worry, it's not X-Files, but it's something worse,
written by "Noah's Dove"!

<SOL>

Mike: Uh-oh, a religious rant then?

<CF>

Pearl: Just get in the theater, NOW!

<SOL>

All: Aaaahh!! USENET SIGN!

<6...5...4...3...2...1...*>

<M&TB enter the theater>

Mike: IT'S A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE!

Tom: Shut up, Mike!

> Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 09:42:58 -0700
> From: noah...@lightspeed.bc.ca (Noah's Dove)
> Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files
> Subject: The Truth is Out There?...Perhaps

Mike: Well, I'm filled with suspense, how about you guys?
Tom: I'm filled with something, but it's not safe to say what it is.

> Message-ID: <noahdove-ya023480...@news.lightspeed.bc.ca>
> References: <199806110552...@ladder01.news.aol.com>
> Organization: Noah's Dove

Crow: Unfortunately, after departing the ark, the dove was shot down by
a group of rednecks in a rowboat.

> Mime-Version: 1.0
> X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.3.4
> NNTP-Posting-Host: light43.lightspeed.bc.ca
> Lines: 569

Tom: I want out of here, Mike!!!
Mike: Tom, it can't be too bad. We've survived worse.

> Path: news.msfc.nasa.gov!newsfeed.internetmci.com!206.229.87.25!
> news-peer.sprintlink.net!news-backup-west.sprintlink.net!
> news.sprintlink.net!204.244.4.2!news.westel.com!noahdove
> Xref: news.msfc.nasa.gov alt.tv.x-files:392230
> Status: N
>
> Thanks for your summary of the X-file Movie...Perhaps Chris Carter didn't
> inclue the truth in the movi
what it is?

Mike: I think we may have missed something, guys.

> Here is
> a possible theory on what it may be.

Crow: I might NOT be wearing any pants right now.

>
> Noah

Tom: Say, when did Noah get the internet on the ark?

>
> UFO's are showing up over more and more cities, Reno, Mexico
> city, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Paris, and over many countries: Mexico, England,
> Canada, Brazil, United States, Israel, Scotland, Australia, South Africa,
> Japan, China,

Crow: Lake Titticaca.

> etc. according to UFO ROUND UP Database and web site...They
> seem to appearing for longer periods of times and flaps are more frequent.

Mike: How does a UFO flap?
Tom: Maybe they're taking pictures of birds in the air and mistaking
them for UFOs.

> As researcher Lee Elders puts it "They seem to be on a world tour".

Crow: <announcer voice> Live, appearing in colosseums all over the
world, the UFO EXPERIENCE!
All: <Cheers>

>
> The question is why?

Tom: Perhaps they want to give Elvis back.

> ..Perhaps the following file will give some reasons and
> a warning about what appears to be a "Control System,"

Mike: What, no "Experimental System"? Sheesh, they can't even get a
Science Fair project right.

> as Dr. Jacque Vallee
> calls it. The UFO phenonmena may be preparing the human race for further
> contact and a New Order on this planet.

Crow: Oh boy, if it involves any kind of wrestling, I'm moving to
Venus.

>
> According to USA Today and other newspapers, Henry Kissinger,

Tom: <humming> Oh how I'm missing-er. You're the doctor of my dreams!

> in an address to the Bilderbergers meeting at Evian, France on 21 May 1992,
> stated, "Today Americans would be outraged if U.N. troops entered Los
> Angeles to restore order. Tomorrow they will be grateful!

Crow: And then they will show their thanks by lobbing cans at our
tanks.
Mike: I wonder what they would think if he nuked L.A.
Tom: Hmmm, France . . .
Mike: Whatcha thinkin' about, Tom?
Tom: Don't worry about it now, Mike.

> This is especially
> true if they were told there was an outside threat from beyond, whether real
> or promulgated, that threatened our very existence.

Crow: So we would concentrate our force on calming L.A. down instead of
stopping a threat to our existence?

> It is then that all the
> peoples of the world will plead with world leaders to deliver them from this
> evil.

Mike: But the president will not be found, because he's in a motel room
pleading with that "special" American.

> The one thing that every man fears is the unknown.

Crow: And their wives.

> When presented with
> this scenario, individual rights will be willingly relinquished for the
> guarantee of their well being granted to them by their world government."

Tom: And then mass Chaos will ensue! Yay!!

> It
> seems evident to me that some of our leaders know a lot that many people are
> not ready to hear.

Mike: What'd he say?

> Perhaps our alien visitors can decide who is ready for
> the truth and who is not.

Crow: Tonight on "The X-Files".

> Perhaps it is a matter of individual choice." The
> Fire Officer's Guide to Disaster Control.

Tom: What do Firemen have to do with this? Wow, the French and the
Firemen . . .
Mike: What *is* going on in that memory of yours?
Tom: All in due time, my friend.

>
>
> _The Threat: The Secret Agenda; What The Aliens Really Want
> And How They Plan To Get It_

Crow: _And If They Can Break It_
Mike: Hey, it's the latest "Spice Girls" song.

> by David M Jacobs, Ph.D.,
> Temple University. ISBN0-684-81484-6
>
> In my most recent research, I have uncovered information that allows UFO
> researchers to solve the UFO mystery - at least the questions that will
> have the greatest impact upon us.

Tom: Like "Will they help bring back Disco?"

> I have put many pieces of the puzzle
> together.

Crow: And found that I am only missing a corner piece, and a part of
the guy's hand.

> I have focused the picture, and I do not like what I see.

Mike: So he uses Jigsaw puzzles to predict the future?

> For
> the first time in over thirty years of researching the UFO phenomenon, I am
> frightened of it.

Tom: I saw one of the aliens carrying an H.R. Giger picture back to
his ship!

> Understanding...has led to a profound apprehension for
> the future. The abduction phenomenon is far more ominous that I had
> thought...I know why the aliens are here -- and what the human consequences
> will be if their mission is successful."

Crow: Are you sure John_-_Winston didn't write this?
Mike: Yep, it was Noah's Dove.
Crow: Some people just shouldn't let doves learn to write.

>
>
> Millions of people in many parts of the world are having sightings
> and sometimes encountering UFO entities in one way or another.

Tom: Like the time someone saw a dog catch a UFO while they were
tossing the frisbee.

> They have
> had what is
> called an "Close Encounter of the Third or Fourth Kind",

Crow: Hey, there's a sequel for Stephen Speilburg.

> a term used by
> ufologist J. Allen Hynek. There is also growing public interest in this
> phenomena due to media attention. Some CONTACTEES AND ABDUCTEES
> ....as well as some claiming to be channelling ET's

Tom: Hey, they're picking up "Entertainment Tonight"!

> or establishing contact
> through remote veiwing are being revealed the following kinds of
> information:

Crow: The source, of course, being "The National Enquirer"

>
> - We are not alone in the Universe.

Mike: So that explains what happened to my car!

> We are told - this earth has been visited
> many times in the past and presently by different types of extra-terrestrials.

Tom: Like "ET", those aliens in "Independence Day", the Predator, the
Aliens from "Alien", and much more!
Crow: What about Hobgoblins?
Mike: No, they're puppets.

> These ET's have been involved with our creation, evolution, religions, myths,
> beliefs, etc.

Crow: It's amazing how much impact a television show has on society.

>
> - Some contactees are being told that humans are the consequence of ET
> encounters with earlier forms of man.

Mike: <caveman> Ugh ugh, big alien.
Crow: <alien> Um, sir, could I interest you in our "Jehovah's Witness"
program?
Mike: <caveman> Ugh ugh, Rocko smash good.
<Mike hits Crow>
Crow: <alien> I'll take that as a "no".

> Without this contact man never would have
> evolved to the point we have.

Tom: So the alien introduced us to microwaves?

> Rael, the chosen prophet and messiah of the
> Raelian movement

Mike: Are you sure he just didn't create it one day out of boredom? It
sounds awfully self-centered to me.

> was told as as contactee, that mankind was created by a group
> of ET's called the Elohim using advanced genetic engineering in laboratories 4.

Crow: Maybe Mike's the reject experiment.
Mike: Hey, they treated me nicely there.
Tom: Um, Mike, I hope you were joking . . .
Mike: Sure I am, don't mind this "4" tatooed onto my shoulder.

> Others who believe in the messages of the Pleiadians are told, that the
> Pleiadian ancestors were some of the Original Planners of Earth who seeded this
> and other worlds.12

Crow: Whoa! Where'd that 12 come from?
Mike: Maybe the aliens put it there.
Tom: Hmmm, yes, 12 . . . it's all coming together nicely.
<Mike bends to crow>
Mike: Do you have any clue what he's talking about?
Crow: Nope, but I'm worried.

> What ever the explanation we are told ET's are involved
> with our evolution and creation.

Mike: Hey everyone! You can forget about God and Satan and all the
religions of the world! We're all alien-created!

>
> - Some contactees are being told that: "Humankind stands now in the
> transitional period before the dawn of a New Age.

Mike: <Heston> A planet where apes evolve from men!

> (With peace, love and
> understanding, the people of Earth will see a great new era begin to dawn.)

Crow: Didn't the Hippies already try this?

> The
> Space Beings are here to teach, to help awaken the human spirit, to help
> humankind rise to higher levels of vibration so that the people of Earth may be
> ready to enter new dimensions. 1.

Tom: Oh wow! A "1"! I do see it clearly now!
Mike: You all right li'l buddy?
Tom: Never better, my friend!

> We are poised for a quantum leap forward on
> both the biological and spiritual levels. The human soul will evolve.

Crow: Unfortunately, Mike's soul has not been touched by time.

>
> - "If the Earthlings should not raise their vibratory rate within a set period
> of time, severe earth changes and major cataclysms will take place. (Such
> disasters will not end the world, but shall serve as cataclysmic crucibles to
> burn off the dross of unreceptive humanity.

Tom: And it's all your fault, Mike!
Mike: C'mon you guys, leave me alone!

> Those who die in such dreadful
> purgings will be allowed to reincarnate on higher levels of development so that
> their salvation will be more readily accomplished through higher teachings on a
> higher vibratory level.)" 2

Mike: Wow. 2. Does that mean we get reincarnated as the number 2?

>
> - Others are being told that the receptive or chosen will be saved by benign
> ET's and their ships when these disasters take place.

Tom: I think you missed the boarding call for Hale-Bopp.

> Some like the Raelians
> are told they will experience some kind of eternal existance through further
> genetic engineering ie. cloning.

Crow: They've been reincarnated through sheep?

>
> - A major leap in consciousness and evolution is about to take place: Crop
> circles, UFO sightings and contactee and abductee experiences are preparing
> those who are receptive of these changes. Events such as the Harmonic
> Convergence are lifting the veil so the Higher Galactic intelligences of the
> universe will be able to channel their energies and influences to facillitate
> the shift towards a New Age.12

Tom: It's 12 again!
Mike: Maybe someone kept writing the time down when they wrote this.

>
> - Evidence for these claims are: the many abductee and contactee experiences
> with similar stories and messages, physical scars, hybrid babies, recognition
> of some kind of symbolic or hieroglyphic language etc. There seems to be
> according to researchers increasing cases worldwide of UFO sightings, crop or
> landing circles, animal mutilations, abductions of men, women and children.

Crow: Frisbees, men with too much time on their hands, wolves, and
people on drinking binges.

>
> -According to Dr. Karla Turner, who has worked with over 400 abduction cases

Mike: Oddly enough, each one was one of her personalities.

> and has written the book "Into the Fringe", says if abduction accounts can be
> believed and there is confirmation of many of these facts with other
> researchers - the abduction phenomena includes some of the following details:
> from -UFO Universe, Spring 1993. Aliens -Friends or Foes by Dr. Karla Turner:

Tom: Hey, a double colon!

>
> - Aliens can alter our perceptions of our surroundings.

Mike: So that's what happened to my other sock!

>
> - Aliens can control what we think we see. They can appear to us
> any number of guises and shapes.

Crow: Does that mean that the band members of Fleetwood Mac can be
aliens?
Mike: Well, people don't normally sound like goats, so it's possible.

>
> - Aliens can be present with us in an invisible state and can make
> themselves only partially visible.

Alien: <invisible> Hah, what does she know?
Tom: Um, hello?
Alien: Oh, forget that! SLEEP!

>
> - Abductees receive marks on their bodies other than the well-known
> scoops and straight-line scars. These other marks include single
> punctures, multiple punctures, large bruises, three-and four
> fingered claw marks, and trangles of every possible sort.

Crow: And no one bothered to check and see if they were attacked by
animals?

>
> - Female abductees often suffer serious gynecological problems after
> their alien encounters, and sometimes these problems lead to
> cysts, tumors, cancer of the breast and uterus, and to
> hysterectomies.

Mike: Wow, those aliens are rough!

>
> - A surprising number of abductees suffer from serious illnesses
> they didn't have before their encounters. These have led to
> surgery, debilitation, and even death from causes the doctors
> can't identify.

Tom: Or didn't want to admit they made a mistake.

>
> - Abductees often encounter more than one sort of alien during
> an experience, not just the greys. Every possible combination
> of grey, reptoid, insectoid, blond, and widow's peak have
> been seen during single abductions, aboard the same craft or
> in the same facility.

Crow: Aww, the aliens have racial harmony at last!

>
> - Abductees report being scoffed at, jeered at, and threatened by
> their alien captors.

All: <snicker>
Crow: <alien> Hey Joe! Come here and check out this guy's beer
belly! He looks pregnant!
Mike: <alien> You look funny human! Why don't you have normal skin
like us?

> Painful genital and anal probes are
> performed... Unknown fluids are injected into some abductees.

Tom: EWWWWW!
Mike: Aliens have an EXTREMELY weird sense of humor.

>
> - Abductees-"virgin" cases- report being taken to underground
> facilities where they see grotesque hybrid creatures, nurseries of
> hybrid humanoid fetuses, and vats of colored liquid filled with
> parts of human bodies.

Crow: And this is where we store Elvis, right beside Bill Clinton.
Oops, you weren't supposed to know about that. *KERBLAM* Steve!
Prepare another tube here for Mr. Rushdie!

>
> - Abductees report seeing other humans in these facilities being
> drained of blood, being mutilated, flayed, and dismembered, and
> stacked, lifeless like cords of wood. Some abductees have been
> threatened that they, too, will end up in this condition if they
> don't co-operate with their alien captors.

Mike: All right, HUMAN! Tell us: HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET
TO THE TOOTSIE ROLL CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?

>
> - Aliens come into homes and temorary remove young children, leaving
> their distraught parents paralyzed and helpless. In cases where a
> parent has been able to protest, the aliens insist that "The
> children belong to us."

Crow: Now this is just mean!
Mike: Yeah, I say we rip the aliens a third cornshute!
Tom: Or fourth! Remember, you gotta be politically correct!

>
> - Aliens have forced ther human abductees to have sexual intercourse
> with aliens and even with other abductees while groups of aliens
> observe these performances.

Crow: OH MY GOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Tom: You know, maybe this explains Mitchell!

> In such encounters, the aliens have
> sometimes disguised themselves in order to gain the cooperation of
> the abductee, appearing in such forms as Jesus, the Pope, certain
> celebrities, and even the dead spouses of the abductees.

Mike: Now THIS is sick! Why diguise yourself as the POPE if you want
to have sex???

>
> - Aliens perform extremely painful experiments or procedures
> on abductees, saying that these acts are necessary but give no
> explanation why.....Painful genital and anal probes are
> performed, on children as well as adults.

<Mike shifts in his seat>
Mike: These aliens really need some DESPERATE help!

>
> - Aliens make predictions of an imminent period of global chaos and
> destruction. They say that a certain number of humans...will be
> "rescued" from the planet in order to continue the species, either
> on another planet or back on earth after the destruction is over.
> Many abductees report they don't believe their alien captors and
> foresee instead a much more sinister use of the "rescued" humans.

Tom: Maybe they'll take the entire cast of "Gilligan's Island"!

>
> "In every instance from this list, there are multiple reports from unrelated
> cases, confirming that such bizzarre details are not the product of a single
> deranged mind.

Mike: <as author> But from several, like mine!

> These details are convincing evidence that, contrary to the
> claims of many UFO researchers, the abduction experience isn't limited to
> uniform pattern of events. This phenomenon simply can't be explained in terms
> of cross-breeding experiments or scientific research into the human
> physiology....

Crow: But this would explain Rosanne Barr, right?

> Before we allow ourselves to believe in the benevolence of
> the alieninteraction , we should ask, do enlightened beings need to use the
> cover of
> night to perform good deeds? Do they need to paralyze us and render us helpless
> to resist? Do angels need to steal our fetuses? Do they need to manipulate our
> children's genitals and probe our rectums? Are fear, pain, and deception
> consistent with high spiritual motives?"

Mike: Do we really need to know this? Are you just filling our heads
with junk? Why are you asking so many questions? Is it that you had a
rough childhood? What about your parents? Do you have any children?
Did they become doctors and lawyers and such? Why not let them be
cowboys? Do cowboys lead a lazy life style? Is laziness just a part of
life? What is the meaning of life? Does the Monty Python troupe know?
Do all of these questions really need to be asked?

> - Dr. Karla Turner.

Crow: Who was immediately abducted shortly after asking these questions
and never heard from again.

>
> Update!

Tom: Already??

>
> Some abductees, according to researchers such as Dr. Turner and
> Katherine Wilson (Alien Jigsaw Website)

Tom: Ooooh, Jigsaw Puzzles, yes! The conspiracy is revealed!
Mike: What're you talking about, Tom?
Tom: Come with me, my friend, and I'll show you!

<M&TB leave the theater>

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