MSTed: Overcoming Masturbation (3/3)
The Midnight Rambler
OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
---------------------------------------
A tract from Brigham Young University
MSTing by Robert Fontenot, Jr. a.k.a The Midnight Rambler
(rfon...@earthlink.net)
Rated PG-13 for lots of innuendo
Part 3 of 3
SUGGESTIONS
1.Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will
strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the
temptations are the strongest.
TOM: "In a crowded bar!"
CROW: "In gym class!"
MIKE: "On a date! She'll appreciate your godliness!"
2.Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise.
MIKE: "Don't watch Kia, though."
These exercises reduce emotional tensions and depression and are
absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical
activity when you feel stress increasing.
CROW: "Once you have a stroke, your vas deferens will empty naturally
into the body bag. Go with God."
3.When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell stop to those
thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind
TOM: "Then tell your dog to shut up about the President."
and then recite a pre-chosen scripture or sing an inspirational hymn.
It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to
indulge.
MIKE: "Cancel your credit cards. Be sensible."
4.Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month,
year, and finally commit to never doing it again.
CROW: "Do they have chips for that?"
MIKE: "Iů wouldn't know."
Until you commit yourself to never again you will always be open to
temptation.
5.Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a
changed self-image.
CROW: "Get a Anti-Masturbation Makeover."
Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily
overcoming tempting situations.
TOM: "Delude yourself. Live in a world of rich fantasy."
6.Begin to work daily on a self-improvement program. Relate this plan
to improving your church service, to improving your relationships with
your family, God and others. Strive to enhance your strengths and
talents.
MIKE, as Dirk Diggler: "Everybody has one special thing!"
TOM: "Be a star! A big bright shining star!"
7.Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and
learn to enjoy working and talking with them.
TOM:" Give other folks a hand."
CROW: "Instead of yourself."
Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to
Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
MIKE: "Read other state-of-the-art texts like Pilgrim's Progress."
8.Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel
lonely, bored, frustrated, or discouraged.
CROW: "Put this tract down immediately."
These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of
escape.
ALL: (whistling "The Great Escape" theme")
Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various
activities, such as reading a book,
TOM: "Like Hustler!"
visiting a friend,
CROW: "Borrow his copy!"
doing something athletic,
MIKE: "Beat him up and take it away!"
etc.
9.Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card.
CROW: "Keep it IN your pocket. Fondle it occasionally."
Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of
self-control color that day black. Your goal will be to have no black
days.
MIKE: "Chris Cornell must be a masturbating fiend."
The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self-control and
should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep
your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.
TOM: "Then snap your colors in half and bring a gun to school."
10.A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain
times and under certain conditions.
TOM: "Know what those are, Mike?"
MIKE, defensively: "I think lots of people do."
Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions
were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern
through counter-activities.
TOM: "Put a clothespin on your area."
11.In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique
called aversion therapy.
MIKE: "Aversion. S-H-O-C-K. Aversion."
When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something
which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and
feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable.
CROW: "This condition is known as marriage."
If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of
self-control it will help you stop the act. For example, if you are
tempted to masturbate think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and
eat several of them as you do the act.
CROW, aghast: "WHAT? WHAAAAT?"
MIKE: "I'm not seeing that. No way."
TOM: "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna go buy 'Juggs'."
12.During your toilet and shower activities leave the bathroom door or
shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy.
CROW: "Expose yourself to total strangers!"
Take cool brief showers.
13.Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no
matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something.
MIKE: "Get a job! Cut your hair! Close that door, I'm not heating up all
of outside!"
Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.
TOM, as teenager: "But that's how it STARTED!"
14.Keep your bladder empty.
MIKE: "Don't padlock it."
Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.
MIKE: "After you're 65, binge it up. Get sloshed."
15.Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as
lightly as possible at night.
CROW: "Women should avoid produce entirely."
16.Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.
CROW: "Wear clothing that cannot be taken off but by the Lord God."
17.Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might
create sexual excitement.
18.It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in
overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in
bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
MIKE: "They tried the Koran, but they wound up cutting off their OWN
hand."
TOM: "Didn't work too well."
MIKE: "No."
19.In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed
frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep
condition can be broken.
CROW: "Bondage will help you overcome masturbation?"
MIKE: "I think Mapplethorpe wrote this text."
This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing
which would be difficult to remove while half-asleep.
TOM: "Though, God knows, not impossible."
20.Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a
big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a
goal.
TOM: "Say, a peep-show booth."
Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing
reminder of your progress.
CROW: "Mariah Carey videos! No, wait."
21.Do not let yourself return to any past habit or attitude patterns
which were part of your problem. Satan never gives up.
TOM: "You gotta respect him for that."
MIKE: "He's always in there slugging."
CROW: "I don't know what Hades is going to do when he retires."
Be calmly and confidently on guard. Keep a positive mental
attitude. You can win this fight! The joy and strength you will feel
when you do will give your whole life a radiant and spiritual glow of
satisfaction and fulfillment.
TOM: "Yes. A glow of satisfaction you can't get anywhere else."
MIKE: "Except masturbating."
CROW: "well, sure."
o...2...3...4...5...6...
(entering theater)
TOM: You know, Mike, that web page, tasteless as it was, is a timely
reminder. I mean, Ginger's world's away, and you've been parked in the
Handicapped Zone for a while, if you get what I'm driving at.
MIKE: I didn't QUITE get the metaphor, but to answer your question, no.
I am master of my domain.
CROW: So why do I always find those Gummi Worms in your bedroom?
MIKE: Now, wait. Those areů.
(blinking lights)
MIKE: Whoops. The Necessary Interruptions are paging us!
(CASTLE FORRESTER. OBSERVER sits serenely with a smile on his face.
PEARL approaches.)
PEARL: Is that rancid little page finished loading up there? (pokes
Observer) Hey. Whitey.
(OBSERVER says nothing, but his brain twitches and jumps in his pan. He
continues to smile, eyes closed.)
PEARL: Brain Guy! Cut that out! I'll get the cattle -- wait, where's
the cattle prod?
(Short BZZT sounds from off camera and ape-like yelps. PEARL
methodically reaches into her purse, pulls out a pair of horse blinders,
and puts them on herself. Before she leaves the shot, she places a
picture of a brain-eating zombie on top of OBSERVER's pan. Eyes still
closed, he begins to get an increasingly unpleasant look on his face as
we
FADE OUT
CREDITS
END PART 3 OF 3
--
Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) from
Lonesome Rob Fontenot, The Midnight Rambler
-----------------------------------------------------------
Big Rob's Center of Attention:
http://home.earthlink.net/~rfontenot/bigrob.html
Beatles Fans at the Mining Co.: http://beatles.miningco.com
Exoticon '99: http://come.to/exoticon
-----------------------------------------------------------
"You can never make anything foolproof, because
fools are so goddamned ingenious." -- Unknown
Julia
<snip some great stuff>
Rob, honey! I love you!
You're so not me right now! There's no way I could chop up a piece this
inane and make so damned funny. A few of my favorite riffs:
> When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something
> which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and
> feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable.
>
> CROW: "This condition is known as marriage."
You put this in for me, didn't you? How sweet. :D
> 16.Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.
>
> CROW: "Wear clothing that cannot be taken off but by the Lord God."
I don't know why the above line struck me as funny as it did, but I'll
have you know coffee hurts when it comes out your nose.
Thanks for a rare and wonderful treat, sweets! I had no idea you were
doing a msting and I doubt I'd have enjoyed it more if I had known.
*mwah*!
Julia - posting with a glow of satisfaction I could have gotten from
nowhere else. Heh.
--
jso...@rocketmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/3722
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't feel that I would have done my job if people had not felt each
other's breasts at some point. - Big Rob, on how to run a Con
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam Schillinger
wrote:
>---------------------------------------
>OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
>---------------------------------------
>A tract from Brigham Young University
>MSTing by Robert Fontenot, Jr. a.k.a The Midnight Rambler
>(rfon...@earthlink.net)
>Rated PG-13 for lots of innuendo
>Part 3 of 3
>
Nice work, Rob.
Adam (that worm thing might actually work...)
Gener...@yahoo.com
42-Star General of the AOPWS
Lord of the Frogs
All-around Good Guy
Steven Thorpe a.k.a. thor
The Midnight Rambler wrote:
> CROW: "Once you have a stroke, your vas deferens will empty naturally
> into the body bag. Go with God."
HA! That's all I have to say, sir.
--thor (HA, HA!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The world hadn't ever had so many moving parts or so few labels.
--William Gibson, Mona Lisa Overdrive
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Midnight Rambler
Julia wrote:
> The Midnight Rambler wrote:
>
> <snip some great stuff>
>
> Rob, honey! I love you!
We love us! We really love us!
> You're so not me right now! There's no way I could chop up a piece this
> inane and make so damned funny. A few of my favorite riffs:
>
> > When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something
> > which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and
> > feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable.
> >
> > CROW: "This condition is known as marriage."
>
> You put this in for me, didn't you? How sweet. :D
*snortle!*
> > 16.Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.
> >
> > CROW: "Wear clothing that cannot be taken off but by the Lord God."
>
> I don't know why the above line struck me as funny as it did, but I'll
> have you know coffee hurts when it comes out your nose.
*warm glow*
> Thanks for a rare and wonderful treat, sweets! I had no idea you were
> doing a msting and I doubt I'd have enjoyed it more if I had known.
>
> *mwah*!
>
> Julia - posting with a glow of satisfaction I could have gotten from
> nowhere else. Heh.
You people all make me feel so damn WORTHWHILE.
*snuggling with J*
The Midnight Rambler
Steven Thorpe a.k.a. thor wrote:
> The Midnight Rambler wrote:
>
> > CROW: "Once you have a stroke, your vas deferens will empty naturally
> > into the body bag. Go with God."
>
> HA! That's all I have to say, sir.
Do you know something about the Vas Deferens that *I* don't?
> --thor (HA, HA!)
HA!
Robert Hutchinson
>
> Steven Thorpe a.k.a. thor wrote:
>
> > The Midnight Rambler wrote:
> >
> > > into the body bag. Go with God."
> >
>
> Do you know something about the Vas Deferens that *I* don't?
>
> > --thor (HA, HA!)
>
> HA!
It's the @$#%ing Comedy Channel!!!!!!!!
> --
> Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) from
> Lonesome Rob Fontenot, The Midnight Rambler
Robert Hutchinson
Servoid
"not HA!!" -- ACEG
Steven Thorpe a.k.a. thor
Michael Clear wrote:
I do. Vas Deferens was an old-time Las Vegas lounge singer who was
blackballed because he once
said that Sinatra smelled like tuna. He died of rectal gonorrhea a few years
later. Some folks today say
that if it weren't for Vas Deferens, there would be no Wayne Newton. Sad,
really.
"Before Vas Deferens, there was nothing." --John Lennon
--thor
-**** Posted from remarQ, Discussions Start Here(tm) ****-
http://www.remarq.com/ - Host to the the World's Discussions & Usenet
TCurryFan
<mac...@capital.read.between.the.lines.net>" said so!
>Vas Deferens was an old-time Las Vegas lounge singer who
>was blackballed
^^^^^^^^^^^
<snicker>
Just had to point this out, Mike...
Catherine Johnson.
TCur...@aol.com ---------- Sailor Andromeda ---------- MiSTie #75,125
"So what have we learned? Apparently, irony is lemon-lime-flavored."
-Chris Pierson, RATMM
Michael Clear
TCurryFan wrote in message <19990215232448...@ng-fr1.aol.com>...
>And that's the bottom line, 'cuz "Michael Clear
><mac...@capital.read.between.the.lines.net>" said so!
>
>
>>Vas Deferens was an old-time Las Vegas lounge singer who
>>was blackballed
> ^^^^^^^^^^^
>
><snicker>
>Just had to point this out, Mike...
>
When will I ever learn. I think I should just move this discussion to an entirely new
area and...
D'OH!
Michael Clear
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Come and enjoy chapter 11 of
MIKE LIKE ME at
www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1253
Spammers: hold up 3 fingers and read my e-mail address
Everyone else: remove read.between.the.lines to e-mail me.