MiSTed: The Rangers of NIMH II (2/2)
Håkan Svensson
(continued from part 1)
[Mike and the bots reenter the theater and resume their seats.]
CROW: Cape.
TOM: Cloak.
CROW: Cape!
TOM: Cloak!
MIKE: That's enough, you two.
> The Ranger Plane soared high above the trees on its way to the Thorn Valley
> conservation lot
TOM: Thorn Valley Conservation Lot. Assuring us that we will have thorns for
future generations.
> and the colony of the Legendary Rats of NIMH, of which three
> of the passengers there are--or should be--active members.
CROW: Unfortunately, they've fallen behind on their dues.
> 'Should'
> applies to Gadget, who's piloting while Jonathan rides shotgun.
MIKE: [Jonathan] Does the gun *HAVE* to point at me?
TOM: [Gadget] Definitely.
> Jennifer, John's
> Great-grandmother and widow of his namesake
MIKE: ...as well as perhaps the oldest field mouse in the world...
> sits blindfolded in the
> back--she's acrophobic--with Monterey and Zipper.
TOM: [very darkly] Little does she know her captors are escorting her to
her doom...
>
> Gadget: How much farther, JB?
CROW: One and a half plot points.
>
> Jonathan: Not far, Gadget. Just over to those trees, and I'll guide you
> into a secret entrance. Trust me, you'll know when you're there, heh-heh.
TOM: It's the one with the big, glowing, arc-lit sign reading "SECRET
ENTRANCE."
>
> Gadget: Riiiiight--Hey! What's that over there?
>
> Jonathan: Where?
>
> Gadget: To the right and down.
TOM: [Bends over, kind of looking down]
MIKE: [Zips his hand up and bops Tom's dome] Bop! Gotcha!
CROW: I love that joke...
> Jonathan grabbed a spy glass
MIKE: ...out of the ether...
> and searched the countryside until he found an
> orange cat big enough to fill his entire scope,
TOM: Great, now it's a crossover with Garfield.
> who just dropped his
> binoculars and screamed something along the lines of what the mouse say by
> reading the cats lips:
CROW: ["Meow Mix" jingle, skeptically] "Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow
meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow, meow?"
>
> "RESCUE RODENTS?!?! I THOUGHT THEY BROKE UP!!!"
TOM: I *swear* I read where Yoko Ono was dating them!
>
> Jonathan: Hey, Monterey, is that the cat you told me about?
>
> Montey: Yep. He's Fat Cat all right.
CROW: Hey! That's 'Big Boned Feline-American' to YOU, pal!
> _______________________________________
>
> FoxFire Studios Presents
TOM: A new documentary, "NIOBIUM: AMERICA'S SECRET WEAPON!"
>
> The Rangers of NIMH II:
> Gadget Hackwrench and the Rats of NIMH
TOM: Oh, God! We hit a time warp and were sent back to the beginning of the
fanfic!
ALL: AAAIIEEE!!
>
> Issue II
MIKE: Calm down! It's just the second part!
ALL: [look at each other for a second, then] AIIEE!!
TOM: So it's "Part I", but "Issue II"?
>
> By David Gonterman
TOM: The poor man's Stephen Ratliff.
MIKE: Nobody's *that* poor.
>
> Based on 'Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers' by the Walt Disney Company
> and 'The Secret of NIMH' by Sullivan/Bluth Studios.
CROW: In much the same way that corn bread is "based on" Kansas.
> ________________________________________
>
> Mole: Not really, Boss. When the chipmunks moved out to join the Rescue
> Aid Society, a new mouse has been added.
MIKE: Yes, the Rescue Aid Society! Part of the Assistance Help Program!
CROW: A division of Incorporated, Ltd.
>
> Meeps: Yeah, a long haired heart-breaker packing more magic than Mickey,
TOM: He's got nearly two whole trailers full at the storage warehouse.
> from what I hear. His name's Jon--
MIKE: Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
>
> Fat Cat: Jonathan Brisby, I know. <returns to his binocs and finds The
> Mouse in Black again, he's talking it out with the other passengers.>
TOM: "Well, if we leave him alone, there's a fifty percent chance he'll
accidentally kill himself and the rest of his party."
> So
> what I heard *is* true: The so-called Legendary Rats of NIMH. They
> actually *do* exist.
CROW: Wait... He knows Jonathan Brisby, yet doesn't know of the Rats of
NIMH?
MIKE: Don't expect logic from people who write themselves into stories in
bunny suits.
> Wha--HE CAN'T FLICK ME OFF LIKE THAT! I'M A DISNEY STAR DAMNIT!
TOM: Well...a recurring villain, at least, in a series that ran for a year
or two and went into eternal reruns and was forgotten.
> MAN THE CANNON!!
MIKE: "But, sir! Only the gerbils are trained on it!"
>
> Jonathan hops back in his seat. "*That* sure got their attention. Get
> ready. Hold on to your guts, Grandma; this is gonna suck."
CROW: Hey! We can find our *own* straight lines, thank you.
>
> Jennifer: "Oh Boy..."
TOM: Aaaaugh!! Now it's a "Quantum Leap" crossover, too!
>
> Fat Cat's cronies whipped off the tarp to reveal:
MIKE: A new car!
>
> Montey: Crikey! An antiaircraft harpoon?! Gadget, get us outta here!"
>
> They aimed.
CROW: Which?
>
> Gadget pressed the button marked 'Balloon Release.'
MIKE: Chee, even Speed Racer didn't have a "balloon release" button!
TOM: Even Inspector Gadget didn't have a "balloon release" gadget!
CROW: Even Captain Caveman didn't have a "balloon release" in his hair!
>
> They fired.
CROW: Who?
>
> A 'click' was heard as the balloon above the Ranger Plane was let go.
TOM: And the Ranger Plane plummeted to Earth and crashed in a fiery
conflagration. There were no survivors. The end.
>
> Gadget pressed 'Prop Convert' before the fall can begin.
MIKE: Oh, don't do that, it makes Photoshop crash every time.
>
> The Harpoon struck the balloon head on as the Ranger Plane plummeted
> straight down,
MIKE: Yeah, you already said it plummeted straight down...
CROW: He *really* means it.
> as it did, wings unfolded, each with two propellers at
> each wing.
TOM: Switch to Gerwalk mode!
CROW: Otaku.
TOM: Shut up!
>
> Jennifer took a peek from behind her blindfold, eeped, and placed it back
> over her eyes, she took a white-knuckle hold on the chair in front of her,
MIKE: Ha. Ha ha.
CROW: Help us...
> hoping that Gadget will pull out before they went splat.
>
> She did, sending them head-on for Fat Cat and his cronies.
CROW: So this is an action sequence.
TOM: I think I liked the inaction better.
MIKE: I think I liked the nutrition labels on gum better.
>
> Then Jonathan leapt to the front of the wing, on the nose.
ALL: [Hum the Indiana Jones theme]
>
> Montey: Did I ever told you that you're nuts, JB?
MIKE: *We* could have told him that!
>
> Jonathan: Get ready to fry, Tubby Tabby!
CROW: Tubby Tabby's Toy Boats?
>
> Fat Cat was dead in JB's sights:
MIKE: If he's dead, Jonathan doesn't need to bother, does he?
> TUBBY TABBY!?! The name's 'Fat Cat,'
> you young punk!
TOM: Um... So what's the difference?
>
> Jonathan: READY!
MIKE: One, for the money...
> <He raises his hand up high> AIM!
MIKE: Two, for the show...
> <his hand fills with
> yellow spark. His amulet begins to glow!>
TOM: Wow! This is great! I can actually *see* it all happening!
> FIRE! <He winds up,
MIKE: Three, to get ready...
CROW: Here's the windup, and the pitch!...
> allowing
> the amulet to flow fire into his waiting hand, creating a little orb of
> flame.
CROW: Haryuken!
TOM: Mars Fire Ignite!
MIKE: Go Go Gadget Laser!
> BALL!
MIKE: ...and four, to go!
TOM: Ball?
> <He fires a heater straight at Fat Cat, which
> explodes into a small contained inferno.
TOM: We should be thankful it wasn't one of those huge, out-of-control
exploding infernos.
MIKE: Yeah, I heard those can be nasty.
> Cats, rats, moles, and other
> critters run like mad all over, their fur singed.>
TOM: Singed by the new Singer 8100! Makes buttonholes like nothing you've
ever seen before!
MIKE: Hey! Jonathan just used the amulet! He'll be wiped out for the rest of
the fanfic!
ALL: [cheer]
MIKE: ...or, maybe not.
>
> Monterey and Jennifer hug each other and scream as the plane rushes into the
> flames.
MIKE: You know, this scene was originally cut from "The Philadelphia Story."
> "I hope you know what you're doing, Gadget Love!!"
Crow: I'd worry more about the manic Jonathan Brisby IV if I were you.
>
> The Plans blows past the fire unscathed,
TOM: Oh, good. I don't know *how* the rats would move to Thorn Valley if
the Plan got burned in the fire...
MIKE: I think he meant "Plane", not "Plans", Servo.
TOM: Oh.
> only that JB hopped from the
> front of the Plane to the back. "Hot enough for you, Tubby Tabby?"
CROW: Tubby Tabby's Toy Boats. Tubby Tabby's Toy Boats. Tubby Tabby's...
MIKE: Stop.
CROW: That's hard!
>
> Fat Cat runs after him: Stop calling me that!!
MIKE: No euphemisms! I'm FAT!!
>
> Jonathan makes a marble appear between the fingers of his free hand. Then he
> made 1 marble turn into 3, then he threw them, where 3 became 300!
TOM: But by that time they were all these little itty bitty nothing little
bits that nobody noticed when they hit.
CROW: I'm going to make a bold statement here and say that Gonterman has
definitely lost *his* marbles.
>
> Fat Cat screamed bloody murder
All: "BLOODY MURDER!"
> as he is sent slip-sliding through a wood
> fence and into a pig pen.
CROW: Schroeder and Charlie Brown mourned for days.
MIKE: Ha, ha. Get it? A pig pen! 'Cause he's, like, a bad guy!
BOTS: [strained laughter]
>
> Everybody in the Ranger Plane had a big laugh at the cat's expense, and
> banks left.
MIKE: Savings and Loans right! And deficit spending right below us!
>
> All: See you around, Tubby Tabby!
ALL: Catch you later, Bill and Ted!
> Fat Cat: AHHHHHHHGGGGGGHH!!!
CROW: He's not wearing underwear! AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!
> ________________________________________
>
> Gadget easily found that entrance in, and followed her new boyfriends
TOM: Man, I love that smell of New Boyfriends in the morning, eh?
> lead
> over the swoops and turns through the ever darkening tunnel, she couldn't
> even see the wheel in front of her
CROW: There's a wheel in front of her? Where *are* they?
> as she relied only on her faith in him as
> they cleared the last rise....
>
> ....and got their breath taken away.
>
MIKE: And hopefully died of asphyxiation.
>
> Gadget: Golly and a Half!
TOM: "Golly gol..."!
>
> Montey: Too-La-Loo!
CROW: And now it's a crossover with "The Fifth Element".
TOM: Mike, will you promise to kill me if Chris Tucker shows up?
MIKE: You know I will, Tommy.
> Will you check it out?
>
> Zipper: Outtazight!
TOM: It's only a background cel.
>
> Jonathan and Jennifer: Eh, it's just Home.
>
> What greeted the Rangers was a Earth Woodland version of what reminded
> Gadget of the Ewoks' Village in 'Return of the Jedi.'
CROW: It's annoying and makes people want to slap something small and furry?
> Several trees all
> around them are covered with tree houses and rope bridges until they
> resembled a naturaly-made apartment complex,
TOM: Aw, no, they've wandered into "Sonic the Hedgehog"!
MIKE: Get out! Get out of there!
> a small brook cut through
> the ground turning a rather environment-friendly waterwheel
TOM: Well, friendly except to the fish, the otters, the badgers, the
beavers, and everything else that depends on the smooth flow of water
for its existence.
> generating the
> energy that lights up the trees with light reminiscent of the trees in the
> Disney Parks (JB: "You can't imagine how many trips we made to the
> Disneyland trash bins
TOM: I'd just like to mention that neither Disney park is near Thorn Valley,
which Robert O'Brien modeled after the midwest.
CROW: Or New York, where the prequel was set.
MIKE: I remember now. Wasn't Thorn Valley dammed up and flooded in the
prequel?
TOM: Knowing Gonterman's idea of continuity, it probably was.
> looking for broken bulbs to fix."
CROW: So, the rats can reassemble shattered glass bulbs?
TOM: That's easy. The hard part is getting the vacuum back in.
>
> "Yeah, sometimes we find otherwise perfectly fine strings of lights that
> they just pitch because of one measly bulb. What a waste!"
TOM: Yeah, and I find these partially used chunks of raw meat are great for
insulation against the cold winter!
> Gadget: "Tell me about it, I've been salvaging from Disney all
> the time I've been there, where do you expect I'd get the parts for all my
> stuff? <giggles>")
MIKE: I will pay ten dollars to anyone who can give me one reason for the
existence of that parenthetical... diversion.
> At each side of the brook was access tunnels into what
> could only be an even more complex system of tunnels that the Rats are
> using.
TOM: Or they could be portals into HELL!
>
> JB: That spot looks good to land on. <Points to a spot where a rat is
> motioning them towards.> Land over there, Gadge.
CROW: [Jonathan] Ten points if you land right on them!
>
> Gadget easily landed vertically onto the spot.
TOM: Since when did the Ranger plane become a Harrier?
MIKE: It means she crashed it right into the ground. [beat] I hope.
>
> The rat, who wore a black denim jacket with a baret with an 'R' on it and
> an earring, greeted them. "Welcome to Thorn Valley, Rescue Rangers."
CROW: Are you here for business or pleasure? Will you be staying more than
four weeks? Please fill out these forms for the customs bureau.
>
> Montey: "Hey, Racso!"
TOM: Wait a minute! In Part 1, it was "Rasco"!
MIKE: Ah, but in the *book*, it was Racso!
CROW: Maybe this is an entirely different rat, guys.
>
> Gadget: You know him?
>
> Racso: Yeah!
TOM: He keeps chasing those Duke Boys about.
> He was in my cage with that Nimnul creep.
CROW: Wait... Nimnul locked himself in a cage? Did I mention that this
fanfic is *stupid*?
> (He begins to
> help Rangers and Brisbys out) I'm the guy from outside, get ya anything
> you want;
CROW: Is this a crossover with "The Shawshank Redemption" now?
> chips, cheese, crackers . . . (He helps out Gadget) . . . flowers, candies,
> Mr. Tool Time starter kit . . .
CROW: ...semi-automatics, howitzers, bazookas, heavy artillery...
>
> Gadget giggled at him, as well as JB leapfrogging over Racso to distract him
> from her. "HEY!"
MIKE: "Was that a joke? Uh...what was that?"
>
> ________________________________________
>
> "Golly," Gadget said, looking around as she walked with them,
TOM: [Gadget] Look at that! There's a chapter break up there! Gosh!
> "You've got
> everything here. Electricity, Running water, Even Satellite TV!"
CROW: Ooh, they've got the Practice Punching Someone in the Face Channel.
I love that one.
>
> Racso: We sure do, and nearly everything you see here, we made it
> ourselves. We only need to pick up whatever else we need on occasional
> trips to the refuse.
MIKE: Uh huh... "We made it all ourselves, except the stuff we didn't!"
>
> Gadget: I go there myself. You never know what perfectly good stuff Disney
> throws away.
CROW: No kidding! "Darkwing Duck", "Tailspin", "Bonkers"...
MIKE: [Clears throat]
CROW: Sorry.
>
> Racso gave Gadget a sly look behind his shoulder.
TOM: Gadget compulsively wrapped it up and mailed it to a friend as an early
Christmas present.
> "Tell me about it,"
> but he was stopped when he heard a loud "*POP!*"
CROW: Oh my God! The Lemmings are coming!
>
> One of the Christmas tree lights fizzled out.
MIKE: But not before delivering an eloquent soliloquy.
>
> Racso and Jonathan made like they were taking a sip from an imaginary
> stein, until they saw Gadget actually fix that bulb.
TOM: Okay, there's frugal, and then there's just cheap.
> It was glowing
> again in no time.
>
> The two finished off the stein and threw it away.
CROW: The *imaginary* stein? Did I mention that this fanfic is *stupid*?
TOM: [shuddering] Aggida-aggida-aggida...
MIKE: Oooo-kay... On to the *next* section...
> ________________________________________
>
> As they went further, they heard some heated arguing in the Auditorium.
>
> Jonathan: Heather and Sullivan are at it again. (Rolls eyes)
MIKE: Oh, Heather and Sullivan, you know, they wrote "I am the very model of
a Modern Lieutenant General."
>
> Racso: About that observatory, no doubt.
>
> Montey: You mean that construction site we passed over on the way here?
TOM: No, I'm talking about the construction site we passed on the way here.
>
> Racso: Yeah. Some of us Rats are afraid they'll just bulldoze Thorn Valley
> into dust. Others say that they wouldn't be concerned with a colony more
> than a mile away, even if they know about us, they wouldn't--
MIKE: So, they're bulldozing an entire wilderness national park for no
particular reason. Okay.
TOM: Someone tell me again what an observatory has to do with this?
>
> At this point, a dagger flies out a door.
CROW: Boy, that plomeek soup emotionally charges people.
>
> Jonathan: We gotta break this up. Heather's PMSing again.
>
> Racso: Right! (The two kick the door in)
MIKE: They kick in the door that the dagger flew out from?
CROW: So, the *open* door? Did I mention that this fanfic is *stupid*?
> _______________________________________
>
> Sullivan: "Stop changing the subject, Heather.
MIKE: [Sullivan] This fanfic is confused enough.
> We just don't know who
> we're going against."
MIKE: [Sullivan] And *you're* replacing the hinges!
>
> "Exactly, Sullivan," Jonathan countered. "We don't know a thing about those
> scientists. We have got to find out more about them."
TOM: Chee, they might even be *friendly!*
>
> "And that's what we intend to do, Jonathan," Justin responded. "We are
> not about to just go off half-cocked on this,
ALL: [clear their thoats loudly]
> not when we have more
> pressing matters."
CROW: [Justin] Like the matter of the new weights in the exercise room!
>
> "Yeah, like how the hell did those two come in here?!" Sullivan bellowed to
> the two mice. "They're not from us?"
MIKE: They're The Mice From H.U.N.G.E.R. Jerry sent them.
>
> "Monterey Jack, no," Ages began, "But Gadget Hackwrench is! <Everyone is
> stunned>
TOM: Gadget Hackwrench *is* Jerry in "The Tex Avery Story".
> Her father was Geegaw, one of the mice that survived--yes, the
> rumors are true--
MIKE: She *is* the fifth Beatle!
> the air shaft before Big Jonathan opened that gate."
>
> The silence was so thick,
TOM: Mmmm! Thick, rich, creamy silence!
> Heather *had* to break it after a long minute. "I
> suppose every one of us can't figure out what's worse:
MIKE: Lose an arm, or lose a leg?
CROW: Oh, I'd say arm.
TOM: No, leg'd be worse.
> The fact that our
> lost founders survived,
CROW: That's *bad*?
> or they have kids that are Disney Toons <snicker>.
> Imagine the scandal."
MIKE: For once, I actually agree with a sentiment expressed in this story.
>
> Gadget: Yeah, but know what I know how far Disney has fallen in certain
> circles, having a mouse who belongs in a Don Bluth show wouldn't even
> register.
CROW: So, the NIMH rats know that they're fictional. Did I mention that
this fanfic is *stupid*?
MIKE: Yes, Crow, I believe you did.
>
> That created some chuckles.
TOM: Which promptly bit the dust.
>
> Heather: I like you already, Gadget. So, you brought all your Ranger
> friends with you? <She nods to Montey.>
CROW: Heheheh...if you know what I mean.
MIKE: No. No, I don't know what you mean.
>
> Montey: I'm just with them, Ma'am. No shots, no sparklies,
MIKE: No foul.
> I'm just
> wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi-wi. <It's at this point where Monterey Jack realizes
> that Heather is flirting with him.>
TOM: Hey, Gonterman! At least give us the story, bad as it is, instead of
your notes!
MIKE: And it's *so* obvious that she's flirting with him, too, isn't it?
>
> Heather looks around. "Hey, where's your Chipmunk friends?"
CROW: It's a long, sordid story. Just never mention the name "Richard
Gere", okay?
MIKE: Crow, watch it!
>
> Jonathan: Oh Chip and Dale both got promoted to the Rescue Aid Society,
TOM: I'm really glad they made the Rescue Aid Society.
MIKE: Heard that, yeah.
> we all probably heard of them.
>
> Justin nods, knowing that he has several Rats in the organization.
MIKE: Now, there's something to be proud of.
CROW: Those rats in the organization! I tell you!
>
> Heather cracked about finding out that Mickey Mouse himself left Disney as
> well,
TOM: What?
CROW: Does Mr. Gonterman know that a real world exists? He is teasing,
right?
> only to be told to her back that Mickey's in St. Louis with some
> Freelancer even as they speak.
TOM: This is like the narration in "Rocket Attack USA"!
CROW: Or "Creeping Terror"!
MIKE: Or "Beast of Yucca Flats"!
>
> Justin: Nevermind that.
MIKE: It has nothing to do with the plot.
CROW: What plot?
> If Monterey Jack and whatever else is left of the
> Rangers
TOM: Not much.
> wants to move in, so be it. We would definitely need them,
> especially with one of their old sparring partners snooping around.
>
> Gadget: Then you heard of him?
TOM: "Sure I've heard of sheep. That's what they come in..."
>
> Justin: We've spotted him as you did, madam. I'm wondering if any of you
> had something to add...
CROW: Yeah! What's the sum of 34,267.279 and 6,834.94?
> ______________________
>
> Fat Cat was taking his usual cat nap, after explaining to his underlings
> how they can become super-smart by eating one of the Legendary Rats of
> NIMH will give them the intelligence-enhancing serum as well,
TOM: So he'll be brought up to being just Incredibly Stupid.
> when he
> heard voices around him. Words such as "Tubby Tabby," and "Wuzzy House
> Kitten,"
MIKE: That was the Beatles' original lyric for "Paperback Writer".
> can be audible. Curious as usual he cracked an eyeball at who's
> whispering all around him.
TOM: [Fat Cat] Ow, my eyeball!
>
> What he saw was Jonathan Brisby, looking straight down that eyeball
> "*HI!!!*"
CROW: "I need a cup of sugar, can I borrow it? Also some eggs, and some
flour, and a quart of milk, and some cinnamon, oh, and a baking
tray and some Crisco and your oven... I'll let you have a cookie
when I'm done."
>
> Naturally, Fat Cat screamed bloody murder,
ALL: "BLOODY MURDER!"
> but when he opened his eyes
> again after his outburst, there was no one around.
MIKE: "Guys? Where am I? This looks like I-80? Guys? This isn't funny
anymore!"
> Of course, all of the
> mice and rats hid themselves just before he did so.
CROW: You know, his plan to gain superintelligence may not work, but he sure
needs to *try*!
>
> Fat Cat just chuckled, excused it to the Pizza he ate,
TOM: Aw, man, now we're going to have bad memories of the Samurai Pizza
Cats.
> and went back to
> sleep again.
MIKE: Yup, a dangerous, threatening villian who thinks he saw a sworn enemy
and doesn't even bother to check.
>
> The chuckling and whispering resumed shortly afterward. "Crikey, JB. That
> was a good one." "Just wait, it gets better."
TOM: I seriously doubt that!
> _________________
>
> Jennifer led Gadget around Thorn Valley, pausing every now and then for
> the Rescue Ranger turned Mouse of NIMH to pounce on and fix the occasional
> broken doodad.
CROW: You know, this story is still ten times better than "Star Trek: First
Contact."
TOM: Oh, yes, definitely.
> "My Gadget, for someone who just came here,
MIKE: You're remarkably unlikeable.
> you come in handy already."
>
> Gadget blushed: "Force of Habit.
TOM: That's an abnormally loud blush.
> I've been doing this all my life.
> Is this your house?"
MIKE: [Mrs. Brisby] No, that's a broken doodad!
>
> Jennifer: "It sure is. You're invited to stay here if you want.
MIKE: Just... make sure you leave clean dishes for breakfast, okay?
> Little Johnny thinks so much of you."
CROW: He's a Jet.
>
> Gadget stammers, "Yeah, err..."
MIKE: To err is human...
CROW: ...to end this fanfic, divine!
> and looks around the living room which was
> decorated very much like an upper-class mansion,
TOM: As opposed to those prefab mansions the lower classes have.
> with the fancy furniture
> (Fancy for farm mice, that is), Music Box piano, painting above the mantle
> of every Brisby born from the original JB on.
MIKE: Both of them.
> ("Little Jonathan" was above
> Mr. and Ms. "Big Jonathan")
CROW: At least until the Department of Youth and Family Services finds out!
> She also saw another mouse, larger and more
> elegantly dressed then her Jonathan, but the suit is similar, but her eyes
> was glued on his face.
TOM: Bet that hurts.
> It hid behind a mask,
ALL: Of course.
MIKE: I don't know, guys. This is getting kinda weird.
> shaped like one of those
> Mickey Mouse figurines,
TOM: Ugh... er, this is *really* getting weird...
> which was hiding the scars she could find in the
> spaces between eyehole and eyelid, or slightly under the cheeks.
MIKE: Anytime now, *someone's* going to start humming "The Music of the
Night"; I just know it!
TOM: Or, perhaps, "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"?
CROW: How about "All I Ask of You"?
>
> The masked mouse speaks
CROW: The maid screams. Suddenly a pirate ship appears on the horizon!
> "You never notice, Gadget love? JB talked to me
> a lot about you. From what I heard, you two are close."
TOM: Too, too close.
MIKE: Actually, they're closed. It's after 6 p.m.
>
> Gadget blushes some more, but her voice never betrayed it. "You must be
> Copper.
CROW: Actually, I'm Yttrium. Call me "Yt" for short.
> JB's mentor and uncle. He talked some about you."
TOM: ...using words that would make Quentin Tarantino blush.
>
> Copper: I'd bet. Jonathan's the only one who'll mention my name above a
> whisper.
TOM: [Copper] Everybody else starts to giggle when they try it.
> Humph, must be this image I get with this, huh?"
MIKE: [Copper] Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm burnished enough?
>
> As he points to his 'face' he gave a chuckle what reminded Gadget of
> JB's; I touch on the enigmatic side,
CROW: He could get into a lot of trouble for that!
> but still friendly. "Now I know
> where he gets it from," Gadget nervously laughs.
TOM: [Gadget] It's all your fault!"
>
> Copper turns to her and smiles. That made her felt more welcome, more at
> ease.
MIKE: [Gadget] Wow! Now you look *extra* creepy!
> "Moving to a new community does seem as strange as we Brisbys can
> get at times, but trust me on this, you'll get used to this. . . . Heck,
> eventually,
TOM: Every bit of your individuality will be washed away by our blandness.
> the shock over being near someone who looks like some Phantom
> of the Opera'll go away..."
CROW: [Copper] Then, we eat you!
MIKE: I *knew* they'd bring up the Phantom of the Opera...
> ______________________
>
> Fat Cat scattered out of Town with the Fear of God in his face, which was
> somewhat obscured by it being all banged up.
TOM: Oh, well, you can get a fresh, new Fear of God at the local Stewart's.
> He was screaming for his
> underlings who have by now ran past the 12th hill to the horizon.
MIKE: 12th Hill To The Horizon... I remember when AMC played that, it was
really good restored.
> No
> doubt scarred crapless by Brutis.
CROW: Animal abuse! It's fun!
>
> Brutis is the largest of the still-living original Rats of NIMH,
MIKE: [Brutus] We are... the rats who say... NIMH!
ALL: NIMH! NIMH! NIMH!
> and is
> the main bodyguard and bouncer of Thorn Valley. He stands 24 big inches
> from his hind legs, and goes a good 36 from nose to tail.
MIKE: He stands a bad 36 from whisker to toe clippings.
> That's big even
> for a housecat like Tubby Tabby.
TOM: So why didn't the rats sic him on Dragon, the cat that ate the
original Jonathan Brisby?
CROW: Because this fanfic is *stupid*! Have I mentioned that this fanfic is
*stupid*?
MIKE: Calm down, Crow.
> Monterey Jack only goes up to Brutis'
> thigh. He bellows out with a bear-like voice of thunder:
TOM: [Brutus] Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
> "AND DON'T COME
> BACK, YOU PUTZ!!"
>
> Racso: <laughing loudly> Did you see the look on his face?! That was a
> Kodak Moment! Put 'er there, Bruti!"
MIKE: And a scene of potential action and the main climax of the story is
totally glossed over.
TOM: Polaroid paid richly to have Kodak mentioned in this scene.
>
> The High Five Brutis sent Racso sailing past the nailed-down furnishings
> of the Upside-Down room and into Montey,
MIKE: Who was still racing the General Lee! Hyuk hyuk hyuk...
> who had his face crammed deep
> into the cheddar that he had up to now denied himself so.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Did a subplot just burst?
> Gadget would
> have been proud of him.
CROW: For what? Stuffing his face? Giving into his addiction?
> Of course that got the cheese dislodged from its
> spot
MIKE: Inbetween his teeth.
> and it began to roll it's way back to Thorn Valley, with Racso and
> Monterey riding it like a tire!
MIKE: Oh, the wackiness! Ha. Ha ha.
TOM: Shoot me now.
>
> Heather: You were saying about Monterey Jack's Cheese Addiction,
> Jonathan?
CROW: No. Nobody was. Ever.
>
> ____________________________________
>
> Ha! You thought I gave up on the story, huh?
MIKE: We sure did.
>
> More to come :)
CROW: Only if the court order isn't approved.
>
>
TOM: Uh, guys? I think it's over now.
CROW: What? That's *it*?
TOM: You'd rather watch more of this? Come on, let's get out of here before
I melt into my component carbon plastics.
[They leave the theater.]
[Interior, SoL. Mike begins making oompa-music in the background. The bots,
including Gypsy, begin gamboling about like idiots. Chaos.]
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, we of the Satellite of Love are proud to
present...
CROW: [drum-roll]
GYPSY: ..."The Plotless Wonder"!
[The activity becomes frantic. Gypsy and Tom emerge to engage in a quick
conversation:]
GYPSY: [Mrs. Brisby] So, do you like my house?
[Mike continues the oompa-music.]
TOM: [Copper] I am Copper of the unpronounceable name!
GYPSY: [Mrs. Brisby] So, do you like my house?
TOM: [Copper] Ha! *I* am a Phantom of the Opera-wannabe!
GYPSY: [Mrs. Brisby] So, do you like my house?
[Tom and Gypsy resume running around. Mike stops the oompa-music and begins
humming "The 1812 Overture". Crow stops to catch his breath and deliver
*this* enlightening monologue:]
CROW: Oh, the humanity! From what I hear from the Disney brass, the future
of American animation is not secure! And Michael Eisner has retired!
And the moon is in the fourth house and PayDays are on sale at Wal-
Mart for 39 cents apiece! WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? WE'RE GOING NUTS!
[Crow begins to run amok. Gypsy and Tom scatter.]
CROW: Aaargh! Stop calling me "Tubby Tabby", Jonathan!
TOM: What do I look like, Crow?
GYPSY: Help! Mike, help!
MIKE: [stopping his music] Hey, guys! Guys! Calm down! Look, I found something
out for you!
BOTS: [now gathering about Mike] What? What?
MIKE: While no one was looking, I looked up "cloak" in the dictionary.
TOM: And? And?
MIKE: A cape *is* a cloak, but a cloak is not necessarily a cape.
CROW: So, who's right?
MIKE: You're *both* right. It's just that Crow is more right.
CROW: Yesssss! I'm more right than you, Tom!
TOM: Shut up!
CROW: I *told* you it was a cape!
TOM: But it's also a *cloak!*
[Tom and Crow walk off, bickering.]
MIKE: Don't ask me, I just work here.
[The Mads light turns on.]
MIKE: Oh. Andy and Mrs. Carnegie are calling.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: You might think that you have won this time, poopie-heads, but there
is more Gonterman coming your way in the future!
PEARL: [off screen] No, there isn't, Clayton!
DR. F: But, mother...
PEARL: [off screen] You are not performing one more evil experiment until
you clean up this mess!
[Dr. Forrester goes over to the smoking remains of the sequelizer and
ponders what to do with it. Finally, he puts the hardcopy of "The Rangers
of NIMH II" in what used to be the mouth of the sequelizer and watches as
the smoking pieces of metal scrap turn into a green goo which seeps into
the floor. A smirk on his lips, he presses the button.]
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========= o ========= FWSSSSH!
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Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip
& Dale's Rescue Rangers, The Secret of NIMH, and everything related are
owned by their respective copyright holders. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or
anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement
only and should not be seen as a personal attack on David Gonterman.
> Hold on to your guts, Grandma; this is gonna suck.