MSTed: Dr. Who meets Star Trek

[John Nevins]

My MSTing: Love it or...um...never mind

Path:
infoserver.bgsu.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu
!howland.reston.ans.net!news-e2a.gnn.com!newstf01.news.aol.com!ne
wsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail

From: rsmit...@aol.com (RSmith9702)

Crow: E-mail from the Cure? Alright!

Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Tom: Uh-oh - this ain't good.

Subject: Doctor Who Meets Captain Kirk - The Book

Crow: Oh, we're in trouble.

Date: 9 Mar 1996 17:03:59 -0500
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)

Mike: We are in _big_ trouble here.

Lines: 480

Mike: Settle in, boys, this is gonna be a long one...

Sender: ro...@newsbf0.news.aol.com
Message-ID: <4hsv8f$f...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
Reply-To: rsmit...@aol.com (RSmith9702)
NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com

STAR TREK
The Enemy Without
Tom: Shame?
Crow: Hair?
Mike: Pants?

[All story material Copyright Laurence Coombes 1996.

Crow: Oh, does the great Laurence Coombes deign to entertain
us with his mighty fanfic?
Tom: (irritated) Crow, you do that *every* time!
Mike: Guys, we gotta stick together - this is gonna be a bad
one, I can just tell.

This is a development document so spelling and punctuaton mistakes
are not to be mentioned at this point!]

Tom: Who does this guy think he is, telling us what not to
make fun of?
Crow: Yeah! "Not to be mentioned at this point?" Well, I'm
gonna mention them! You made spelling and
"punctuaton" mistakes, Laurence!
Mike: Well, I guess you two really showed him, didn't you?
Tom: (Stan Laurel voice) We certainly did!
Crow nods.

'Star Trek' is a trademark of Paramount Studios.

Tom: I think he misspelled "cash cow" there.

`Doctor Who' is a trademark of BBC Enterprises.

Crow: Yeah - and he misspelled "the fault of" there.

Pain. Kirk hardly had time to register the sheering headache,

Crow: Must...get...to Tylenol...concealed in the...secret
compartment...in my...ring...
Mike: Uh, Crow, that's Underdog you're thinking of.
Crow: Oh yeah.

when he felt the ship rock again revealing worse pains along his
side.

Tom: Such agita! You've never felt such tsuris! And Ethel -
my gas! I should plotz if I feel this bad again!
Next year, we go to Lauderdale!

Wasn't he supposed to have retired? He felt himself slide
backwards, hearing the screaming alarms, memory flooding back to
him. With a shock Kirk realised

Mike: that his career was over.

he had been unconscious. How long? He guesed seconds. He dragged
himself up fighting an over compensating artificial gravity.

Crow: Oh, for crying out loud - that's a GIRDLE, not
artificial gravity!

"Status!" He yelled over the roar of strained engines, dragging
himself up, just in time to fall into the command chair. He'd been
thrown from it. God, what did we hit?
"We have a Warp breach Captain. We are accelerating." Spock's
voice cut over the chaos. "Warp 10.3...10.4"
Kirk hit the comlink instintively. "Engineering. Scotty. Cut
the engines." He yelled. Then stopped. For the first time he
caught glimpse of the screen.

Crow: (Shatner voice) My....God! That's what...my
hairpiece...looks...like...on...tv?

Only shock prevented him stopping his jaw drop. They were no
longer travelling in space. At least, nothing like the Space Kirk
had know over thirty years as a Starship Captain. This was
something different. They were in some wild, blood red, vortex.

Mike: Ah, they're driving down I-494 near Minnetonka - I
remember it well.

Crimson pulses ripped at the ship, buffeting it violently. Kirk
thought he could see the strs and planets on the outside of the
vortex, but they were indistinct, blurring away into nothingness.
Where the hell were they? "Scotty!" He yelled.
"We're doing all we can Captain." Scott reported. He sounded
as rocky as Kirk felt. "There's gravametric forces I've never seen
before playing avoc with the warp drive!"

Crow: Yeah - they've entered the event horizon of Shatner's
stomach.

"Warp 11 Captain." Spock cried out. "Shields are now
ineffective."

Tom: (female voice) Yeah, y'know, sometimes I just don't
feel...fresh.

That second, the tactical station blew itself apart, scattering
hull shrapnel. They could not take this for more than a few
seconds now.

Tom: I don't think *I* can take this for more than few
seconds.

"Scotty, we need engines off now!" Even over the wild screams of
the engines, Kirk could hear the crashes in engineering. Please
Scotty. I've waited too long for retirement.

Crow: Now _there's_ something we can all agree upon.

The vortex vanished. Overworked inertia compensators sought to
hold the ship. They almost succeeded. Kik felt his stomach sink
as he was ripped from his seat. He was dimly aware of Chekov
slamming into the navigation console,

Tom: I guess we won't get to see _The Cherry Orchard_, then.

before he crashed into the helm and blacked out.

Tom: Mike, he's unconscious - can we leave?
Mike: Sorry, little buddy, we're here til the end.

"Captain?" Kirk was aware of Spock's cool hand picking him up.

Tom: Uh, Mike, this isn't gonna turn into that K/S fiction
I've heard so much about, is it?
Mike: God, I hope not. But just in case *leans over and covers
`bots' eyes*

"I'm all right." He told the vulcan. The headache stabbed at him.

Crow: I wish *I* could stab him.

He instinctively reached up to his scap only to feel the stickiness
of blood.

Mike: At least, he hoped it was blood.
Crow looks at Mike.
Mike: Sorry - still thinking about the K/S stuff...
Tom: Let it go, Mike, just let it go.

No, I'm not, he thought. With as much dignity as he could muster,

Tom: Never very much - he keeps remembering his rendition of
"Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."

he made it back to the command sat. Never had it felt so
comfortable.

Crow: When you've got as much butt as Shatner has,
_everything_ feels comfortable to sit on.

All around were the crew in various states of recovery.

Tom: Hi...I'm Janice Rand...and I've been an recovering
Trekkie for two months.
Crow and Mike: (in unison) Hi Janice!

Yoeman Rizzo appeared to be sporting a broken arm.

Mike: I guess Rizzo reacted really badly to the news about the
pregnancy test.

All around the bridge was the smell of burnt plastic and silicon.

Crow: Silicon? My god - Counsellor Troi's breasts exploded!
Tom: That was on The Next Generation, Crow.
Crow: (sarcastic voice) Oh, I'm sorry...maybe I should borrow
_your_ complete run of The Picardian to make sure I
know who's who.

God, we're a mess, Kirk thought.

Mike: Too easy, guys, that one's too easy.
Crow: Oh, like *your* riffs are any better.

There was the squeak of the turbo lift doors and McCoy was on the
bridge, pain suppressers in hand, medics following.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor cried
angrily.
"I don't know." Jim replied hnestly.
"You don't know? You mean you didn't have a reason for breaking
half the bones on board this ship?"


Tom: Oh, *that*! Just been reading a little Rabelais recently,
and decided to take his advice on sucking the
marrow out of life.

To make the point, Bones knelt by Rizzo and sprayed in the pain
suppressant, before conducting a pointed examination.

Mike: Let this be a lesson to you, guys. This is what happens
when people like Laurence Coombs go too long
without girlfriends.
Tom: When we get back to Earth, Mike, we won't let this happen
to you.
Crow: Yeah - we'll kill you first.
Mike: Thanks, guys, I appreciate that.

Quietly, Kirk forgave the doctor his belligerence. Any doctor
would be infuriated by what had just given him. Frankly, Kirk was
starting to feel fairly angry himself.

Crow: (Marvin the Martian voice) They are making me very angry
indeed!

He turned to the science station, only to freeze a scond time. The
screen display had changed. Now there was nothing. Only a dead
grey. Kirk would have thought the screen was malfunctioning, apart
from a small cuboid floating ahead.
"Spock? What happened?" He half whispered.

Mike: (Spock voice) Fascinating, Captain. We've been attacked
by the Cosmic Rubik's Cube.

"We appear to have hit something Captain."

Tom: (announcer's voice) It could be...it might be...it IS!
HOME RUN!!

"Hit something? What did we hit? A Starbase? We were right
beside Khitomer, there was nothing to hit." Spock's face was
impassive. That was nothing remarkable in a vulcan, but Spock had
mellowed in recent years. A totally mpassive face meant grave
news.
"Computers confirm your conclusion. Nevertheless, sensors
indicate impact at warp speed with an energy field of incredible
power,

Tom: They hit Shatner's ego?

striking the port side warp engines causing a warp breach in
engineering."
Kirk hit the comlink again. "Scotty? Status report. Are you
all rigt down there?" A younger voice replied.
"Commander Ontanu here Captain. Commander Scott has reported to
sick bay." God, things are bad.


Mike: Laurence Coombs is anticipating our lines, I see.

The report continued. "We have sealed off infected areas.
Radiation treatment is in progress. I'm sorry sir, the warp
engines are down. We don't have a full satus report yet."
McCoy was suddenly by Kirk's side. "Casualties Commander?"
"Commander Scott seems to have broken his leg sir. Medics have
him onto surgery. We have some radiation casualties down here, I
don't know how bad yet." The voice cracked slightly. "We lost
Lieutenant Chi Sir."

Crow: To Chi Sir, With Goofiness.

Kirk was really feeling sick. Losing a crewmember was always bad,
bit it was worse when it was like this; unexpected, without a
chance to fight back, without anyone to blame.

Mike: Oh, we've got people to blame - Laurence Coombs...
Crow: William Shatner...
Tom: Gene Roddenberry...
Mike: Everybody who writes bad Star Trek fan fiction...

No, not true. McCoy was going to blame him for this.
"Thank you Commander." Kirk replied, deliberately keeping cool.
Right now, the crew needed stability. They could grieve later.
"Keep me informed."
McCoy was glaring at him. "You had better find a good reason
for pulling this one." Kirk opened up his palms.

Crow: (McCoy voice) Dammit, Jim, I don't wanna know about--
Mike: Crow - just don't.
Crow: You're not my real father!

"I don't even know what happened." He said, playing the innocent.
Hell, he was an innocent!

Tom: (singing) He took my childhood in his stride...

"Spoc, what hit us, where are we?"
The vulcan hesitated. This was going to be good. "Where we are
Captain, appears to be nowhere, what hit us is still a matter I am
investigating."
"Nowhere?" McCoy echoed disbelievingly.
"Precisely Doctor. The combination of the warp breach and
incredible energ wave that hit us, appears to have 'Ricocheted' us
beyond Earth's solar system to this point. Sensors can detect no
stars in this sector, planets, even the normal background radiation
of N-space.

Crow: So it's the night-sky over Shakopee?

Wherever we are, it is not in normal space."

Tom: (comedy voice) Nope - it's WACKY!

Spock had predicted the myriad of questions coming and fieldd them
off perfectly. "Beyond that, I have no more data. I shall continue
to investigate."
"Fine." Kirk replied, forcing himself to quell his curiosity.
Spock would tell him what he could when he could. Until then he'd
have to concentrate on getting his ship back in order.
"There is, however, ne further intriguing aspect to this
affair." Spock added suddenly.

Mike: (Spock voice) Captain, you're not wearing any pants. Why
is that?

"Intriguing." McCoy cut in. "Spock, this 'accident' nearly killed
all of us, threw us out of deep space into what could be the epths
of Hades, and you find it intriguing? Hell, one day I'll live to
see say you're impressed!"

Tom: (Spock voice) Fascinating, Captain - even in
badly-written fan fiction, Dr. McCoy is still a
dickweed.

Just for once Kirk wasn't sure if the doctor was justribbing his
science officer.

Mike: (lame comedian voice) But I like to kid the Vulcans...

He could see the stress lines in McCoy's face. They were all too
damn old for this.

Tom: I agree - do you think Doctor Kevorkian makes house
calls?

"Quiet Bones.

Crow: Mike, are we in the rats' alley?
Tom: Where the dead men lost their McCoy?

What is it Spock?" For an answer, Spock pulled up a computer
display - a simple cuboid

Mike: (jock voice) Hey guys - Spock's cubing it! Whooo!

outline rotating silntly.
"Sensors managed to trace the shape of the energy wave that
struck us." Kirk had to geta closer look to make sure his eyesight
wasn't failing him. He had only just got used to contact lenses.

Tom: Would an Oedipus reenactment be too much to hope for?

"A cube?"
"Of not more than 20 cubic metres. Yet the energy field was
measurable to the fifth level."
"Fifth level." Chekov gasped. "Spock, that's the energy output
of the sun!"
"Considerably greater Commander. However, a similar energy
field is located ahead, within the same dimensions."
The box on screen. It had to be. "Magnify!" Kirk ordered.
Instantly the box was infull view. It was quite, quite unlike
anything Kirk had seen. It was a small blue box floating,
apparently aimlessly in the emptiness.

Crow and Tom begin humming off-key rendition of "Thus Sprach
Zarathustra."

It had strange indentations on its sides and a flashing light on
its top end. It looked distinctly alien, bar two words inscribed
on near the top of the cuboid.
"Police Box." Commander Chekov read. "Mr Spock, could it be
some kind of marker buoy?"
"Negative ommander." Spock replied. "The object co-orresponds

Crow: Was English this writer's first language?
Mike: And has he ever heard of a spell-checker?

to no known ship, satellite or boy used by the federation."

Tom: (British naval officer's voice) As a Starship officer I
abhor the implication that the Federation is a
haven for pederasts. It is well known that we now
have the problem relatively under control, and that
it is the Bajorans who now suffer the largest
convictions in this area.

"But it is earth manufactured." Kirk noted.
"The use of english suggests it, but I can get no scan of the
material or age of the object. All scans are reflected by an
impenetrable force field of a kind I have never before
encountered." Kirk thought this over.
"So, this 'Police Box', surrounded by a force field, hits the
Enterprise, takes out our warp drive and, somehow, manages to drag
us here."
"n the middle of nowhere." McCoy added dryly.

Tom: (frustrated scream) LIKE YOUR CAREER! Mike, make it stop!
Mike: (Scandahoovian voice) There, there, honey, it'll all be
over soon.

"A succinct summary Captain." Spock confirmed. "I am running a
visual hunt through the computer databanks for an identification of
the object."
Kirk looked at the box a moment longer. It looked totally
incongruous, a man sized box just floating in sace. It hardly
seemed credible that it had nearly killed them all.

Crow: Hardly credible? Why not - we want to...

"Uhura. Try and contact it. See if there's anyone in there."
"Aye Sir." Uhura responded automatically.
"You really think there could be someone in there?" McCoy
asked. Kirk shrugged.
"How should I know? At the moment nything's possible." He
allowed himself a wry smile. Now didn't that sound familiar?
"Captain." Spock cut in.
At last, an answer.

Mike: 42?

Spock continued. "Visual scans have identified the object as a
twentieth Century Police Box, a storage unit for the 'telephone'
communications system of that eriod. It was used predominately in
London, England. It was eventually replaced by individual
communicators for the security forces of the mid twentieth
century."
"You mean it's just an antique 'telephone' box?" McCoy asked
incredulously.
Spock arched an eyebrow. "I believe that is was what I just
said Doctor."
Kirk had a wild idea. He spun around to the comms deck. "A

Crow: Skee ball court! That's what this starship needs!

telephone box. Uhura, do we have a telephone on board?"
Uhura looked at him blankly. Now ws obviously not a good time
for jokes.

Tom: *forced chuckle* Ah, the comedy stylings of William
Shatner. Y'know, there's a reason they call
Algonquin Roundtable-style banter "Kirkian."
Crow: Well, he is the new Oscar Wilde, you know.
Tom: With that wit of his? Oh, no - he's the new Robert
Benchley!
Crow: The new Peter Benchley!
Tom: The new Peter Pan!
Crow: The new Jan in the Pan!
Mike: That's enough out of the both of you.

"If you mean, can we contact them," She replied evenly, "I've
tried every federation frequency, Romulan and Klingon, even short
range radio.

Crow: (Butthead style) huh huh, huh huh....she said
"Klingon"...huh huh, huh huh.
Mike: No, Crow. Never again.

There's no response Captain."
"Somehow I didn't expect there to be one. Thanks Uhura."
"I can try older federation formats." Uhura suggested. Kirk
shook his head, and regretted it. For the first time today he was
grateful for McCoy's presence on the bridge. Pain suppressants
were already being pumped into him as he continued.


Tom: Oh, great - now Shatner's hepped up on the goofballs.

"Somehow I don't think that's going to raise a telephone box.
Spock, any ris of contamination if we bring it on board?"
"Difficult to say Captain.

Crow: No, it's not. Captain, Captain, Captain, Captain,
Captain. See?

All scans are reflected off. However, since I can not detect any
space borne bacteria of any kind in this region, I can only
conclude it would be safe enough provided decontamination procedure
is adhered to."

Mike: So get those Trojans out, everybody.

"Right." It was now time for action. "McCoy, can you spare a
moment in transporter room two? Spock, grab a tricorder. We're
bringing it on board."

Tom: Hey, Mike - next time you need an emetic, think about
what Laurence Coombs' room probably smells like.
Mike starts gagging.
Crow: Yeah - all that unwashed underwear - fetid air because
the windows haven't been opened for years - stale
McDonald's Happy Meals that he bought to get the
Mary Jane figure to complete his Spider-man
collection - Laurence Coombs' own personal odor, a
rancid collection of greasy, acne-ridden skin,
goat-like b.o., and dried sweat from when he--
Mike leans over and begins vomiting.
Crow and Tom cheer.
Gypsy: (off-stage) I'll get some sawdust. These three...
nothing but trouble.

"Aye Captain." Spock responded coolly, as normal. Kirk sneaked
a last look at the box. That had killed one of his crew, injured
his chief engineer and friend, and was refusing to answer any
questions. Well, right now the last Kirk wanted was a mystery. If
there was anyone on board, against the ods, they were going to have
to a damn good reason for being where they were when they hit it.

Sarah Jane Smith picked herself up for the floor only to wobble
alarmingly.

Crow: (singing) Sarah Janes wobble but they don't fall down!

She was still exceedingly dizzy.

Tom: (singing) "I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning."

The Doctor seemed quite recovered already and was rushing around
the TARDIS console at speed, tending to the disturbed controls. He
seemed to have quite forgotten her.

Tom: Your turn, Mike.
Mike: um....(singing) "Unforgettable..." uh...(singing) "Don't
you forget about me..."
Crow: Mike, I think I speak for Tom and I when I tell you -
Don't give up the day job.

"It's all right. I'm fine." She said deliberately sarcastically.

Tom: What do you suppose Strunk and White would do if they had
to read this?
Crow: Get a gun?

"Good, good, fine." The Doctor replied absetly, flicking his
oversized scarf back into place.

Tom: I *hope* that was his scarf.

Sara sighed. Sometimes there was no getting through to the Time
Lord.
"So, what was it?"
The Doctor looked up at her blankly. "What?" He asked.
"Whatever it was that happened to us. The room's still
spinning!" For once the Doctor looked grave.

Crow: (Peter Graves voice) I'm Doctor Who, and you're watching
_Biography_, on A&E.

"Something hit us Sarah. We've been thrown off course."
Sarah felt her stomach give way. "What, what ht us?" She half
gasped. She knew the TARDIS was near indestructible. For the
Doctor to look this serius meant it must have been something pretty
big.
The Doctor tapped on a malfunctioning dial. "It's early days
yet." He admitted. "But it seems to be another ship." The
console gave a electronic burble,

Tom: Whiffling through the tulgey wood?

quietened by a friendly pat by the Doctor. "There there." He
murmured.

Mike: Oh, great - first K/S literature, now D/T....

He glared at Sarah, probably snce she was the only thing there to
glare at. "If there's one thing I can't stand it's careless
drivers!"

Tom: (sarcastically) Oh, for fun.

Sarah knew he was trying to trying to calm her and it wasn't
working. "But, the TARDIS is meant to avoid all obstacles isn't
it?"
The Doctor wiped dust off another readout with the end of is
scarf. "Not only that, since the TARDIS doesn't travel in real
time/space, we shouldn't have come across anything at all."
"So where are we?" Sarah whispered. The Doctor shrugged. "I
don't know." He admitted. "All the direction indicators read
zero.

Crow: Your ratings, too.

We seem to be nowhere."
"Well, that'snothing new." Sarah tried to quip. The Doctor
gave her a withering look. Sarah ignored it. "Of course, if we're
nowhere, that means nothing can hit us."

Mike: Unfortunately.

She added slyly. The Doctor flicked the scanner switch.
"Unless we're not alone here." He said ominously.
"You don't mean the ship came wth us..." Sarah stopped. There
on the scanner was the answer to her question. A huge ship lay
before them, obviously dwarfing the TARDIS, a great saucer shaped
Titanic bearing over them.

Tom: (hysterically) The Titanic!?!? It's the beginning of
_Castle of Fu Manchu_! AAAAAH! *head explodes*

"That's odd." The Doctor murmured, zooming in the image on screen,
examining it closely.
"What?" Sarah asked, now really getting nervous.

Crow: (Tom Baker voice) We appear to be looking at the
fully-licked center of a Tootsie Pop!

After all, that thing was big. "Is it alien?"

Crow: It issss....BALLOOON!

The Doctor shook his head.
"N, that's from Earth all right. An early intersteller Starship

Tom: (singing) We built this city! We built this--
Mike: Right, I warned you about that. (picks up Tom & throws
him across the theatre seats)
Crow cheers.
Tom slowly returns to his seat.

I would guess. The sub-warp engines are familiar enough. It's
just that I don't recognise the type." He turned to check the
TARDIS reports on the ship. "It doesn't resemble any Earth ship I
know."
"Let me guess, you have a Jane's bookof spaceships on board."
Sarah suggested.

Tom: Get it, guys? "Jane's book of spaceships?" Don't you get
it? It's like Jane's Book of Aircraft, but for
spaceships! Now that's good science fiction
writing! I haven't seen anything this good since
the Star Trek comic book!
Crow: (insistent whisper) Graphic novel, Tom!

The Doctor glanced up.
"All two hundred and eleven editions." He grinned. "Although,
come to think of it, I think I'm missing number fourteen." An
urgent bleeping interrupted the idle banter.

Mike: Enter Beaker, stage left.
Crow and Tom make Beaker me-me-me-me noises.

Instantly the Doctor hit the communicator switch. A buzz
ofelectronic signals rushed through, making Sarah ears ring.
Suddenly, a very english voice cut through, much to Sarah's
surprise. English, in another Universe?

Tom: A Universe where apes evolved from the British?

"This is the Federation Starship Enterprise. Please identify
yourselves. We are on a peaceful mission, please identify
yourselves." As te message shifted to another, unrecognisable
language, the Doctor cut off the communicator. A little too
hastily for Sarah's liking.
"Aren't we going to reply?" Sarah asked, slightly suspicious.
She got the impression the Doctor wished the ship wasn't there.
Then again, part of her wished it wasn't there either.

Crow: We're with you, sister.

The Doctor made his way to navigation console and started punching
in co-ordinates. "I don't think so." He murmured. "I have a
feeling we're better off staying anonymous."

Mike: It sounds to me like Dr. Who hasn't taken the first step
yet.

"But they're from Earth." Sarah pointed out. "Maybe they're
lost too."
"I'm ot some kind of cosmic fix it man!" The Doctor snapped.
"I'm not going to run about pulling every Tom

Tom: He tries to pull *me*, guys, I'll be forced to make him
read every post on rec.arts.star-trek.creative. I
figure that ought to make _his_ head explode in
about 10 minutes.

Dick and Harry out of every quantum loophole in the Universe only
to get shot at for my trouble." Sarah blinked at astonishment at
the Time Lord. Sometimes the Doctor pretended to be in a bad mood,
uually to give him an excuse to make a wise crack, but this time
there was a fire behind his eyes.


Mike: It reminded her of his brief stint as a Mexican
wrestler.
Crow: (El Santos voice) El Panza, I'm glad you're here.

There was something visibly upsetting him. Fortunately, the Doctor
seemed to notice he gone too far and added a grin. It seemed a
little forced, but Sarah let him get away with it. "Besides," The
Time ord added, "Until I find out exactly where we are and how we
got here, I think we're best keeping quiet.

Crow: (eagerly) Oh please oh please oh please oh please!

The natives may not be friendly."
"But we can get back home can't we?" Sarah asked anxiously.

Tom: (high-pitched woman's voice) Yes! All you have to do is
click your heels three times and say, "There's no
place like home!"

The Doctor pulled a face, indicating uncertainty. But any full
reply was cut off as an odd hummig noise filled the air. A strange
blue sparkling effect was beginning to spread over the central
column.

Mike: I guess Calgon's taking them away.

"Doctor." Sarah gulped nervously. The Time Lord was already
dashed around the console flicking up the automatic defence
systems.
"A matter transmission beam. They're dragging us on board!" He
cried.

Crow: Oh, like you'd have to _force_ Tom Baker into a
slingback and pumps.

"Hang on!" He yelled, crashing down a lever.

Kirk's arrival on the transporter wasmet with blackness. The
second he stepped through the doors the lights dimmed down
abruptly. He stepped up behind the transporter shield where the
officer in charge was frantically moving across the console. He
hadn't the time to acknowledge his captain. Kirk was starting to
feel like a jinx.

Tom: Go with that feeling, Shatner.

"Reroute auxiliary power through the secondary array." The officer
yelled at a subordinate, apparently tearing the transporter to
pieces. He was holding a screwdriver and working feverishly
connecting components that weren't meant be interfaced to one
another.

Mike: Like Dr. Who and Star Trek.

"The array won't take that sort of current." The subordinate
protested.
"Then tell me when it's about to blow." The officer retorted.

Crow opens his mouth to speak.
Mike puts his hand over Crow's mouth and shakes his head.

It was at time like this Kirk wished he had the time and sheer
memory capacity to remember his entire ship's staff.

Tom: Unfortunately, Kirk's running on Windows 95, and only has
the RAM for three names, including his own.
Mike: He should get the Santa software.

"Lieutenant." He cut in. The officer spared the time to give him
a nod. That was all.

Mike: But the fire in his eyes promised a good hard roger in
the turbolift later.

"It's fighting back Sir. It's using it's own transporter system I
think. Every time we try and lock on, it dematerialises. As soon
as we get a bit, it disappears."

Crow: Isn't that just like a man?

"Fascinating." Spock murmured, moving to examine the console
reports. "You are diverting auxiliary power o maintain a match."
He noted. The officer swallowed. One did not swipe auxiliary
power without authorisation, especially when the warp engines were
down.

Tom: In a burning ring of fire?

It was precious energy reserves that needed to be on hand for
emergencies only.
"I had to sir. That thing is actually draining away whatever w
send at it. I had to divert auxiliary power to keep anything at
all. But it's still measuring an energy field. If it escapes..."
"The transporter, seeing a field consistent with matter, but not
locating an object will attempt to beam in nothing." Spock
interjected. "The feedback effect will damge the transporter, or,
with a field of this magnitude, rip the whole transporter bay
apart." He joined the officer at the controls.

Crow: (huskily) Why...officer...I never noticed....the light
from the control panel reflecting off your
hair...you're beautiful!
Tom: (insistent whisper) Not now - later, in my quarters!

"Diverting auxiliary power to maintain equilibrium is logical."
"What about safeguards?" McCoy asked. "Surely the transporter
will compensate somehow."
"It's already stretched beyond safety limits."


Mike: And when a fanfic premise is stretched too long...it
snaps!
Crow: (alarmed) WHERE'D IT GO?
Tom: (scared) HE'S A SORCERER!

The officer reported. "That things not responding anything like
normal matter." To prove the point, the hot wired transporter
panel began to smoke.

Crow: Mike, is it wrong of me to root for a warp core breach?
Mike: No, Crow, it's not.

"Switch to primary array." Spock ordered. "Alternate between
modes and apply locking on any stable fragments. We maybe able to
pull it in a bit at a time."
"Aye Sir." The officer reported, obviously more than happy to
have someone more experienced at hand.

Crow: Now who would that be?
Mike: Well...I have. Not necessarily stoned, I mean, but
beautiful.
Tom: Could you prove it to me?

All the while Kirk kept his distance. Spock was the best person,
outside Scotty to handle the situation. Of course, he could always
order shut down of the transported but, if Spck was right, they
were already committed. Now was the time stand back and let the
experts get to work.

Mike (voice-over style): Enter Bill Gates, stage left;
although his involvement meant that the crew of the
Enterprise had sold its soul and was going to hell,
they decided it was worth it.

He glanced at the transporter pad. There stood the indistinct
shape of the box, surrounded by the haze of loose electrons,
shimmering in the blue glow of the transporter field. A kind of
mechanicl trumpeting sound filed the air, like great, ancient
engines grinding into motion as the 'Police Box' faded in and out
fighting against every particle the transporter stole from it.
Hell, this was a vendetta. Kirk wanted that box.

Crow: No *wonder* he's called the Space Slut.

"What is it?" McCoy whispered in awe.
Kirk didn't answer. He ddn't have one to offer.
"We have a 35% lock." Spock reported. "Lieutenant, take the
transporter arrays up to maximum."
"All of them? The officer asked, moving to obey even as he
spoke.
"It is the only way to overcome such a pattern degradation."
Nimble finger

Tom: (singing) "Nimble-fingaaaaahhhh! The man with the agile
thumb!"

sent implausible instructios to the transporter computer. The
whole of the transporter was filled with light even as the lights
dimmed further still. And there, in the centre, the box began to
solidify, the trumpeting sound stuttering.

Crow: Ah, Chuck Mangione, as skillful as ever.

They were winning. Now, they were going to get some answers.

"Doctor!" Sarah screamed, hanging onto the console for dear
life. The TARDIS was shaking itself to pieces. The strange blue
glow surrounded her, making the indented walls blurred and somehow
insubstantial.

Mike: Well, at least we don't have to _watch_ this.
Tom: I know what you mean - those Dr. Who "special effects" -
they'd film this through a blue filter, make the
shot out-of-focus, and set off some flash powder.
Crow: Actually, Tom, I think that would exceed their budget.
For the season.

The effect was making her feel quite sick.

Tom: Good! Suffer! SUFFER!!!

The central column was stuttering, jerking up then falling back in
spasms.

Crow: "the central column was stuttering, jerking up, then
falling back in spasms" - Mike, are we old enough
to be reading this?
Tom: (huskily) Kirk leaned over the reclining Uhura, his
trembling hands slowly caressing her taut--
Mike: Guys, enough with the sex talk, already.

Even as Sarah spoke overheated circuits exploded into flame, sparks
flying into the Doctor's face.

Crow: Yay! He'll be dead soon, and we'll be free!

"It's no good." The Doctor yelled. "The dematerialisation
circuits are overheating. I'm going to have to shut them down."
"What?" Sarah yelled back.
"We're going in!"

Tom: (jock voice) Huh huh - yeah, that's what he said - huh
huh, woooo!
Mike: (warningly) Tom....
Tom edges away, then slowly moves back into his seat.

The trumpeting cut out. There on the transporter platform came the
every more solid shape of the Police Box. In a second, there it
was. A rather battered metal box just standing there. It's
appearance gave no hint of the power that had crippled his ship or
nearly successfully evaded every transporter fail safe subroutine
on a Constitution class starship.
"The object is aboard Captain." Spock reported.

Mike: (singing) We're expecting yoooooouu....the LOVE box....

"Thank you Spock, lieutenant." Kirk acknowledged. The transporter
staff looked like they had sweated away half their body weight.

Crow: Heh - Shatner's probably envious.

"Thank you Sir. I'd like to take the transporter off line to
re-establish normal parameters and check safety." The officer
said. Kirk respected such safety concerns.

Tom: James T. Kirk - denture wearer, condom user.

"Acknowledged. Give me est estimates on when you'll be back on line

Crow: "Give me est estimates?" What, is Werner Eberhart a
Trekkie now?

when you have them. Now, what have we got here?" Spock was
already scanning the box with a tricorder.
"Fascinating." He remarked. "Captain. There is still no
reading from the object. Although the tricorder registers mass it
cannot locate any materialsubstance. It is as if there is nothing
there at all."
"It's a ghost?" McCoy queried.

Tom: (old British voice) Bah! Merely a bit of underdone
potato, or undigested mustard - more of gravy than
of the grave.

"In a sense, Doctor. It is responding like a sensor ghost, as if
the tricorder's scans are being reflected back on itself."
Kirk viewed the object suspiciously. This was not a Police Box.
So what the hell was it?
"Spock, would engineering...." Kirk stopped. The front of the
box had opened up, with an anachronistic clattering. A tall
humanoid squeezed out followed by a diminutive girl.

Tom: (voice-over-style) That's the clown police box - and
that's Kooky the Clown! Watch out, Kooky - your
type of whackiness might not work in space!

They both appeared human, but beyond that, they looked far from
normal. The male was a good six feet tall, witha tangle of brown
close curls and wide, piercing blue eyes.

Crow: It's Bigfoot - AAAAAH!


He was dressed in a assortment of clothes, including an
extra-ordinarily long scarf. The girl was looking about her in
quiet curiosity, with a innocent look Kirk instinctively
distrusted. Like her companion she was also dressed in clothes Kik
vaguely recognised as coming from the latter part of the twentieth
century. The stranger glanced about him quickly, frowning briefly
at the sight of Spock, then moved imperiously up to Kirk.

(Tom and Crow begin humming Star Trek fight music)

"Who's in charge here?" This was a demand, not a question. Kirk
stepped forward, resising an urge to pull rank immediately and have
the stranger hurled in the brig.

Tom: Time Lords Behind Bars! Next, on a Current Affair!
Crow: (makes Current Affair sound effect)

"Captain Kirk of the federation Starship Enterprise..."
The stranger flipped a particularly long part of the scarf back
over his neck.

Tom: Guys, am I the only one rooting for an Isadora Duncan
right now?

"Do you normally pick up people without so much as a 'by your
leave?'"

Mike: Well, Kirk does - but only women.

He asked idignantly. Kirk was struggling hard to keep calm. At the
moment he was still technically in a diplomatic position. After
all, this could be a first contact scenario. God help them.
"Your... craft collided with mine and was found floating here in
uncharted space..."
"An uncharted Universe." Spck corrected.

Tom: (enthusiastic geek voice) Yeah, like in episode #39 when
the crew of the Enterprise went into the alternate
universe where they were all evil and--
Crow: (enthusiastic geek voice) No no no - you're thinking of
episode #21 of _Space 1999_ when they--
Mike: Maybe it's like that episode of _Quark_, where--
Crow and Tom look at Mike.
Mike: Sorry.

"An uncharted... Universe. Right. We were concerned you may have
been damaged."
"Oh, we're fine, thank you Captain." The stranger replied.
"Aren't we Sarah?"
"Oh yes, absolutely fine." The young girl replied, flashing a
smile at Kirk. "Thank you for asking."
Suddenly te stranger grabbed McCoy's medical tricorder in the
middle of a reading, examining it.


Tom: Euphemisms, euphemisms...

Kirk cut off McCoy's indignant reply in mid-breathe.

Mike: With a tremendous, searching kiss, crushing the doctor's
withered and almost nonexistent lips with his own
fevered flesh....oh, now you've got *me* doing it!
Crow: (triumphantly) See?

If this was a first contact situation, they would play along for
the moment. If not, then they'd get indignant.

Tom: And if severely provoked they might even challenge the
strangers to tiddlywinks.

"A sensor array, solid state nano-technology, non-intuitive, set
for medical use, circa the midtwenty third century." He looked
down at McCoy. "You're a doctor?"
"Yes." McCoy admitted, surprised at the recognition. "You're
a practitioner?"

Crow: Yes - he's a Woozle, and his name is Peanut.

The girl pointed conspicuously at the long scarfed being.
"He's the Doctor." She said.

Tom: Guys, if Lorne Greene or Gil Gerard show up, I'm leaving.
Mike: No, you aren't. You were programmed to stay here and
riff on the movie. Me, I've got free will. And if
either one of them _or_ Martin Landau show up next,
I'm going looking for a crate of Hamdingers...
Crow: What about Link Heartthrob, or Dr. Julius Q. Swinepork?
Mike: Not a chance - this is a Laurence Coombs production,
remember.

"Well, I dabble a bit." The stranger admitted. "This i Sarah Jane
Smith, my travelling companion."

Mike begins humming, opens his mouth to sing.
Crow: If you're thinking of singing Fleetwood Mac, Mike, I'm
going to have to hurt you.
Mike contritely closes his mouth.

Even as he spoke, he was running a scan on McCoy. "Single level
cardiovascular system, vertibrate, human male." He glanced up at
McCoy before handing the tricorder back. "You have a touch of
arthritis in the left hand fingers."

Mike: And sometimes you wear L'aire Du Temps...but not
today...

Then, apparently forgeting the good doctor, he tossed back the
tricorder then grabbed Kirk's hand and pumped it vigorously.


Mike: *jumps up and puts his hands over both `bots' mouths*
NO!
Tom and Crow: MMMMPHH!

"Well, it's been wonderful meeting you all but Sarah and I must be
going.

Tom: (singing) Hello I must be gooooiinnnngggg......

We don't want to outstay our welcome. So we'll just slip off
quietly." He turned back to the Police Box.
"I'm afraid that on't be possible 'Doctor.'" Kirk said firmly
and very pointedly.
"You know, I thought you'd say that." The girl sighed.
"Oh I'm sure the good Captain will let us go when he realises
we're perfectly harmless."

Crow: Too bad the same thing can't be said for this post.

The Doctor said. "Won't you Captain?" Kirk detected the quiet
threat.

Tom: Yeah - if Kirk doesn't let them go, he'll make them watch
"Shada" again. *shivers* Brrrr....

"Jim." McCoy cut in with the traditional stage wisper. "These
readings, he's not human."
It was a first contact. Damn. He silenced McCoy with a hand
wave. Not now. Instead, he stepped right up to the Doctor.

Crow: (Curt Gowdy voice) He steps right up to the Doctor....a
SWING and a miss.

Whoever he was, it was time he knew who Kirk was.
"Unfortunately, 'Doctor' we don't yet know you are harmless."
"Oh come on..."

Mike: Eileen?
Crow: DeGeneres? Where?
Tom: No, she wouldn't be here - she's got talent, after all.

"Your 'Police Box' collided with ours in deep space, disabling our
warp drive..."

Tom: You got your police box in my warp drive!
Crow: You got your warp drive in my police box!

"Well if you will drive carelessly..."

Mike: You can learn a lot from a dummy.

"In the process we were both thrown here, apparently in another
Universe..."
"Not responsible for alternative Universes."
"Then nearly blew our transporter to pieces. And in the process
killed one of my crew !" Kirk barked angrily. The Doctor suddenly
sobered up.

Crow: (sarcastically) Tom Baker - sober? Oh, I don't *think*
so. Certainly not while they're filming.

"I'm sorry." He said gravely. Kirk was quietly shocked. The news
of the crewman's death had visibly affected him. For a second Kirk
genuinely, almost surprisingly, respected the man. Whoever he was
he did care for life.

Tom: (in TV's Frank voice) He wants to live, and love, and
laugh!

He had met enough people who did not. Of course, that wasn't going
to stop him pulling the Doctor into line.

Crow: From the top! Everybody now! Let's see some LIFE in
those kicks...two three four...ONE

"Until I can establish the exact cause of our arrival here and can
conclude your 'Police Box' is not a danger to my ship you will
remain here as our 'guests.'" Let him hear the threat in that one
if he liked.
The girl was tugging on the Doctor's coat.

Mike: (British accent) Please sir, can I have some more?

"Doctor, is he threatening us?"
"No Sarah. He's inviting us to stay for tea and I think you and
I are going to be very grateful, aren't we Captin?" Their eyes
met. Kirk was struck by the fierce intelligence that met his gaze.

Tom: That, and Tom Baker's bad breath - whew!

This Doctor was a man to be reckoned with. Kirk noted that for
future reference.
"I would be most happy if you were. Mr Spock will accompany you
to suitable quarters and entertainment shall be provided later.
Spok, if you will see to 'tea'?"
"Affirmative Captain." The vulcan replied. "Doctor?"

Tom: Lawyer?
Mike: Indian Chief?
Crow: McCloud!

"Do we get raspberry jelly?" The girl asked as Spock led them out.
"My auntie always gave me raspberry jelly for tea."
Kirk closed his eyes. His headache was coming back.

Crow: (in pain) Ohhhh...mine too....
Tom: Can we just go now, *please*???
Mike: On one condition - that you find Laurence Coombs, wreck
his credit rating, and get his parents to tell him
they don't love him any more.
Crow: (Homer Simpson voice) Done and done.