[MiSTed] Willow the Vampire Slayer? (4/4) [corrected]
Peter Milan
MiSTed: Willow the Vampire Slayer? by Pete Milan
Original Story by Lord Bowler
Part 4
[Everyone files in.]
CROW: Ohhhh...he broke my little head...
MIKE: You okay, Crow?
CROW: That was worse than the time outs!
>Willow the Vampire Slayer?
>by Lord Bowler
>
>
> Willow and Co. belong to Joss Whedon and Warner Bros. No Copyright
> infringement is intended. The story and all new characters belong to
me.
>
>
> Part Seven
TOM: Or part Se7en, depending on how you view that title...
>
>
> "Buffy?" Giles said knocking on the door, "Buffy, we need to get
going."
TOM: The Beanie Babies sale begins any minute!
>Still getting no answer he knocked again "Buffy? Willow?" He yelled.
MIKE: Swann?
CROW: Beowulf?
TOM: Shannon?
CROW: Chief?
TOM: McCloud?
CROW: Ah, the good old days...
>"Buffy! Willow!" he yelled a second time with Xander joining him.
> Something was wrong. Quickly, Giles and Xander forced the door.
Inside
>they found Buffy struggling back to consciousness.
MIKE: She was wrestling her unconsciousness to the floor and plucking its
nasal hairs!
> "What happened? Are you all right? " Giles asked "Where's Willow?" he
>asked fearing he knew the answer.
CROW: Wait, here she is, in between this elephant and the flying carpet.
> "I'll be fine, I'm not sure what happened, one minute we're getting
ready,
>then POW! The next thing I know I'm lying on the floor with you guys stand
>over me."
TOM: [Buffy] And what's that video camera doing here?
> "The sword is gone." Giles noted. "This is very bad."
MIKE: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing...
> "What? Did that Maladel character, break in and grab Willow and the
>sword?" Xander asked.
CROW: What a character! I'll smack that jasper! Then I'll go have a
phosphate!
> "No. Unless I miss my guess Willow took the sword and went to face
>Zaxerathus." Giles explained.
TOM: There goes a brave yet intensely stupid girl.
CROW: Hey, watch it. He didn't smack me with the clown hammer THAT hard.
> "What!" Buffy and Xander exclaimed in unison.
> "We have to get down to the Portal Cavern right away." Giles stated.
And
>with that, they rushed from the room to the caverns. Along the way they
>hooked up the Steven, Simon and some of the others, whom they quickly
>brought up to speed on the situation.
MIKE: Willow go sword hit demon guy blood gush owie!
>
>
>
> The sword tip scrapped along the floor of the Portal Cavern, slowly
>drawing a circle.
MIKE: Meanwhile, Willow tried to fight a demon with a blunt sword and
died almost instantly.
CROW: Why don't they look?
> In the center of the circle a hooded figure sat over the
>remnants of his spell casting. A small smile crept over his face. "You're
>too late Slayer," he said in his true voice, "The casting is done.
>Zaxerathus will rise, nothing can prevent that."
TOM: [Willow] It won't?! AHHHH! MUST ESCAPE!
> Willow continued to draw the circle around the figure. "I'm not the
>Slayer, Maladel." She said. She had been saddened but not surprised to
>find the guards at the Cavern entrance had been killed.
CROW: Well, she wasn't really saddened either. It was more like she was
nonplussed.
> The fact that the
>ones in the house, guarding the entrance to the cellars and catacombs,
>were untouched was all the proof her wild theory needed. "Or should I say
>Master Bartholomew?"
MIKE: Gasp!
CROW: And I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling
kids!
> Maladel was clearly unnerved to find that it was Willow who had come,
he
>had been sure when they found the line "The Champion cannot fight the
>Devastator and win..." in the true prophecy they would never let her down
>here. That was why he had given it back. "How did you know it was me?" he
>asked removing the now useless hood.
TOM: Well, it's probably pretty cold down there. Don't dismiss the hood
so casually!
> "Agatha Christie's 'Ten Little Indians' is one of my favorite books
to."
>Willow replied. "Especially the part where the villain fakes his own death
>so he can move about freely."
MIKE: Hey, hey! How about a spoiler warning there?
TOM: Mike, have you ever _read_ a book?
MIKE: [haughtily] Actually, I am currently halfway through Mr. Peter
Allan David's magnum opus, _Imzadi II: Triangle._
CROW: It's not even worth the effort to yell "Fanboy" at you, is it?
> "Clever girl." Maladel replied with a wicked grin.
CROW: To say nothing of cute and spunky.
MIKE: I hate spunk.
CROW: But on her it works!
> "But you've just
>'clever-ed' yourself to and early grave."
TOM: And you'll be cleverly buried in a clever grave and covered with
clever dirt!
> "I don't think so." Willow replied. As she finished the circle and
stepped
>inside an enormous curtain of light sprung up enclosing the two. "I know
>how the sword works."
CROW: [Zorro] The pointy end goes into the other man!
> "The sword doesn't work at all, my pathetic brother failed in its
forging
>just as he failed at everything in life." Maladel sneered.
MIKE: Actually, I own a couple of Roger Maladel's country albums...
> "Ceradel was your brother?" Willow replied with a tinge of surprise,
"I
>guess I should have know given the similarity of the names."
TOM: And I guess your other brother, Schmaladel, is also involved!
> Before either one could say anything more, the ground began to shake,
TOM: As a higher power smited this fanfic.
>cracks appeared in the floor where Maladel had been working, a sickening
>red light pored from them. Suddenly the earth flew up in an eruption of
>debris. When the dust cleared,
MIKE: All the Pokemon cards were gone.
TOM: Gotta *cough* catch 'em all...*ugh*
> Zaxerathus stood at the center of the
>circle.
CROW: And waited for his next at-bat.
> Zaxerathus stood over seven feet tall. Its body was a mass of
muscles,
>with a level of definition that would have made a world champion body
>builder jealous.
CROW: If you can SMELLLLLLLLLLL what the Zaxerathus is cookin'!
> Highly polished deep purple scales covered its skin, and
>hellfire seemed to dance across his skin. An enormous tail ending in a
>mass of spikes snaked casually behind it. Its mouth was an explosion of
>teeth. Its eyes, which glowed a deep red, were sunk deep in its head,
>which was topped by a massive pair of horns. Its powerful hands ended in
>hideous claws, as did its feet.
MIKE: And we'd like to thank H.R. Giger for not tracking us down and killing
us.
TOM: Thank you, H.R. Giger, for not tracking us down and killing us.
CROW: I liked Species!
> Willow nearly collapsed in fear at the sight of the beast. *No I will
have
>faith* she admonished herself, and stood her ground.
ALL: Faith-a-faith-a-faith-ah!
> "What is this?" The monster demanded, noticing the barrier around him
for
>the first time.
TOM: [Get Smart] Would you believe, performance art?
> "It is nothing." Maladel replied. "Once you kill the girl it will be
no
>more."
> "I told you to kill her."
CROW: I work and I slave over a hot hellpit and this is the thanks I get!
> Zaxerathus bellowed, "You have failed me and
>will pay the price." As he said this his tail wrapped around Maladel, and
>crushed the life from him. Willow thought she would loose her lunch at the
>sound of Maladel's bones cracking.
MIKE: A good villain deserves a good death scene.
TOM: So it's just as well that this one petered out, huh?
> Zaxerathus dropped the corpse and
>turned to Willow. "And now for you... Champion." he said the last word
>filled with distane.
CROW: Wow! I'd be frightened if I knew what the hell distane was!
> "It's a shame you're not the Slayer, that would have
>been a fight to remember."
> "I'm not going to fight you." Willow stated simply, holding the sword
>before her.
TOM: [Willow] I admit it's not the most proactive plan, but...
> "Really," Zaxerathus said surprised, "how accommodating of you." As
he
>spoke, he advanced on Willow, raised a mighty clawed hand, and brought it
>streaking down to rend her limb from limb.
MIKE: And then she died. The end.
>
>
> "Did Willow go past here?" Buffy demanded of the two men guarding the
>entrance the cellars.
CROW: Why, yes, can't you smell her enchanting fragrance? Ahhh, like
flowers on a summer's day...
MIKE: Ahem.
CROW: Oh, right. Uh, breasts breasts breasts.
MIKE: There's the Crow I know and love!
> "Yes." One replied. "The Champion passed by some time ago. She said
that
>the prophecy had been reinterpreted, and that she was going to face the
>demon."
MIKE: [Guard] Now that I think about it, we probably shoulda stopped her,
huh? Well, live and learn. You want a mint or somethin'?
> "Oh God no." Xander exclaimed looking pale.
CROW: I forgot to tape "Sports Night!" NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> "Quickly it may not be to late. It not quite..." Giles began, as they
>suddenly heard a rumbling explosion, like Hell itself opening up.
>"...midnight." he finished quietly.
TOM: [sings] Not a sound from the paaaaaaaaavement! Has the moon lost
her meeeeeeemory?
>
>
>
> Willow watched as if in slow motion
TOM: [mutters] Tell us about it.
MIKE: Relax, it's almost over.
> as the hideous appendage streaked down
>at her. Suddenly like a thing alive, the sword leapt to meet the killing
>blow, parrying it.
MIKE: Parry! Thrust! Dodge! Turn! Parry! Parry! Splat!
> Zaxerathus, paused for a second confused, then launched
>a second attack, it like the first was blocked. A third and fourth attack
>were launched, they to were blocked. Then suddenly he swung his tail at
>her. The sword deflected it up and over her.
CROW: So his blows were BLOCKED, then.
> Zaxerathus backed off and reconsidered his opponent; this might be a
real
>battle after all. How delightful!
TOM: Why, this is the most delectably wicked conundrum I've yet
encountered!
> "Lying to me. Saying you won't fight.
>Luring me in. I like that." Zaxerathus grinned "But you should learn to
>press the advantage when you have it."
MIKE: [Vader] Your blows are weak, old man!
> "I told you before, I'm not going to fight you." Willow replied
allowing
>herself a small smile.
CROW: [giggles]
MIKE: Oh, go ahead, say it.
CROW: I can't help it! She's so adorable when she kicks ass!
> "Oh you'll fight." Zaxerathus stated, then launch himself into an
other
>flurry of attacks, each deadly, each met and mastered by the sword.
TOM: Biff! Zok! Wham! Crunch! Ftang! Ftang! Squirtle! Pikachu!
Bulbasaur! Onomotopoeia!
>Zaxerathus was breathing heavy as he backed off once more. *Maybe it was
>all matter of perception.* Willow thought, *But, he doesn't look as big
>when you're not scared.*
MIKE: Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn! Tell us the lesson that we should
learn!
> Suddenly, Zaxerathus stretched out a hand.
CROW: I'm a stranger with parasites!
>Hellfire leapt from it streaking across the circle at Willow. The air
>burned at its passing. Willow braced herself expecting to be vaporized.
>Instead, she felt only the softest breathed of heat, as the flames reached
>their target, they hit only the blade of the sword, burned only the blade.
CROW: See? She's invincible, with total control over all reality. Submit,
Mike.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a clown hammer too, ya know.
> "It is a barrier beyond which Zaxerathus cannot pass." Those words
>repeated in Willows mind now with new meaning.
TOM: That is _so_ true. It _is_ a barrier beyond which Zaxerathus cannot
pass.
> Enrage at his failure Zaxerathus let fly one blast after another but
they
>hit nothing but the sword. Zaxerathus was panting heavily, and it wasn't
>just a matter of perception he was smaller, his muscles had lost some of
>their definition and his scale were duller, but his eyes still burned as
>hateful as ever. Once more he attacked. Once more the blade caught every
>blow.
MIKE: Once more, our eyes glazed over as the scene played before us.
TOM: Once more.
> Suddenly, Giles, Xander, Buffy, Steven and the others rushed into the
>cavern. "Willow!" they cried in fear seeing their friend beset by the
>demon. At the sound of her name Willow glanced to see who was calling.
TOM: Well, who do you THINK is calling?! Your entire inner circle is
in this house!
>Just for a moment she lost concentration, and just for a moment the sword
>fell silent. In that moment, Zaxerathus managed to rake his claws deeply
>along Willow's left side.
CROW: You bastard! THAT'S HER BEST SIDE! ...well, actually, her right side
is pretty good too.
> Immediately her focus returned to the demon,
>once more the sword came alive blocking his blows.
MIKE: Annnd the plucky challenger is going after the champ! A left! A
right! Anuddah right!
> Outside the circle Buffy struggled to reach her friend, only to be
>restrained by the members of the Order. "You can't help her."
CROW: Only a highly trained warrior skilled in killing nocturnal creatures
could help...her...hey, wait, get in there!
> They told
>her. "The barrier is unpassable, she's on her own."
> "She can barely defend herself.
TOM: Hey, _you_ got your ass kicked by John Ritter, sweetie. Don't judge.
> Much less fight back." Buffy exclaimed.
> "She isn't trying to fight back," Giles noted.
MIKE: 'Cause sometimes...dead is better.
> "The Champion cannot fight the
>Devastator and win..." Of course. That was it, Giles realized as he
>watched the two combatants.
CROW: And fingered the twenty bucks he had on the fight.
TOM: [Giles] Come on, Willow! Baby needs a new pair of seven-league boots!
> Zaxerathus backed off once more, lovingly licking Willow's blood from
his
>claws.
TOM: [Zaxerathus] Mmmm! Tastes like fruit punch!
> "Bet that made you angry little one, come and get Me." he taunted.
>Willow held a hand to her side. She was bleeding badly. "I keep telling
>you I wouldn't dream of fighting you." Willow replied. Her words seemed to
>enrage Zaxerathus beyond reason.
MIKE: Those Dawson's Creek kids have the same effect on me. [mutters]
Little bastards...hate 'em...revenge...
TOM: Uh, Mike?
MIKE: [still muttering] Pacey, he'll be the last to fall...
TOM: Mike.
MIKE: [still muttering] Slave pens...Joey...Princess Leia costume...
TOM: MIKE! Come on back, boy!
MIKE: Huh? Oh. What were we talking about?
CROW: Beats me. What day is this?
> He attacked her again and again; claw,
>tail and hellfire flew at her, each attack defeated by the sword. Each
>attack draining Zaxerathus further.
TOM: [Rocky] Cut me, Mick!
> He was soon a shadow of himself; small
>and withered his dully-scaled skin hung loosely on him, the hellfire that
>danced over his body all but extinguished, the glow in his eyes reduced
>from a raging fire to a smoldering ember.
TOM: But sales of that stupid grill thing were flagging, so Foreman
_had_ to get back in the ring!
> Yet still he attacked, if in
>some part of his mind he knew he was destroying himself, he could not
>accept it. He had to attack and destroy, that was his nature.
MIKE: [sings] Some have the speed and the right combinations;
If ya can't take the punches, it don't mean a thing!
> Willow was
>not much better, the blood loss was getting dangerous, her side and dress
>were a crimson mass and it seemed to her as if only the sword was keeping
>her upright.
CROW: And yet, she's still adorable. How _does_ she do it?
> Zaxerathus attacked the weakening girl again. Once more hellfire
pored
>from his hands in an unstoppable torrent once more it struck the blade and
>went no further.
TOM: Once more the readers were nonplussed by it all.
CROW: Once more.
> Willow fell to her knees, her strength failing, yet still
>the demon attacked. With each moment he lessened, yet still the demon
>attacked. Smaller and smaller he grew, yet still the demon attacked.
TOM: Boreder and boreder we got, yet still the demon attacked!
MIKE: "Boreder?" That's all you got for me, O king of grammar flames?
TOM: Oh, leave me alone. I'm tired and cranky and out of sorts.
> Then,
>he was gone. The flames trickled out. The barrier fell.
CROW: Somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barked.
TOM: Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon!
MIKE: The maid screamed! A shot rang out!
> The sword dropped
>from Willow's hand and turned to ash as it met the ground its purpose
>fulfilled. Moments later Willow, bleeding profusely, collapsed to the
>ground after it.
ALL: WIL-LOW! WIL-LOW!
TOM: Is this the part where she rips off her shirt and shows us her
sports bra?
CROW: Shaddap.
>Willow the Vampire Slayer?
>by Lord Bowler
>
>
> Willow and Co. belong to Joss Whedon and Warner Bros. No Copyright
> infringement is intended. The story and all new characters belong to
me.
MIKE: I have a question. What the hell kinda name is "Joss" anyway?
CROW: Uh...South African? That's what the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2
was called...
>
>
> Part Eight
TOM: Willow Takes Manhattan!
>
>
CROW: I'm glad this fanfic's mature enough to give us some space...
> Buffy, Xander and Giles huddled in the hospital waiting room, waiting
for
>a doctor to come and bring them word of Willow, fearing that it would be
>the worst.
TOM: [Nurse] I'm sorry, she'll have to spend the rest of the season
recuperating.
In the meantime, Cordy'll take her place in the Scooby Gang.
CROW & MIKE: NOOOOOO!
> In the moments after the battle there had been time for nothing but
>action. Desperately they had struggled to staunch the loss of blood with
>shirts, jackets,
CROW: Panties! Crotchless teddies! Wonderbras! Chemises! Slips!
Garter belts! Catsuits! Rubber--
MIKE: We get the idea.
> anything the could find at hand. While they worked Simon
>had rushed to call in a Med-Evac flight. When it arrived, Buffy had raced
>through the tunnels with Willow in her arms trying get her to the
>helicopter and its waiting paramedics.
TOM: She had to fight her way past some guy who was ripping fillings
out of corpses' teeth.
> One paramedic had quickly replaced
>their makeshift bandages with something more effective, while a second had
>fitted a pair of inflatable pants over Willow's legs and used it to force
>the blood from her legs up to her vital organs.
MIKE: _That's_ what inflatable pants are for? Jeez, I've been using
them to pretend to be a Macy's float.
TOM: They're good for that, too.
CROW: And they really accentuate your legs!
> Even as this was happening
>the helicopter lifted off into the night. As soon as it was gone, they had
>rushed to Giles' car and taken off into a frantic drive over dark and
>twisting French roads to reach the hospital, to be there if Willow needed
>them.
CROW: They, of course, all crashed and died.
> It had all been a blur of activity, but now there was nothing to do
>but wait, hope and pray.
TOM: And gamble on the outcome.
MIKE: Twenty bucks says she's a vegetable!
> Finally after what seemed like an eternity of waiting, the door
opened and
>a doctor entered. She was in her late forties and still dressed for
>surgery.
MIKE: Catherine Deneuve, everyone, Catherine Deneuve!
> "How is she?" Giles asked nervously.
TOM: [Doctor] Oh, I don't know, she's started going out with boys and
staying out until all hours, and ever since her father left, I just
can't seem to reach her. Her grades are slipping, and--oh, wait,
you mean your friend?
> "Your friend is alive." the Doctor stated, bringing sighs of relief,
>"Although given the amount of blood she lost I couldn't tell you why.
>We've stopped the bleeding and given her unit after unit of blood. She's
>still in critical condition, but I'm guardedly optimistic that she'll pull
>through, there's also a danger of post-op infection but that's a secondary
>concern, at the moment."
CROW: We've also found a demonic embryo nesting in her stomach, but that's
probably benign.
> "When will we be able to see her?" Buffy asked.
MIKE: When you develop X-ray vision. Or tomorrow. Whichever comes first.
> "Probably not for a least twenty-four hours, what you friend needs
now is
>rest and time to heal." the Doctor replied. "I am curious about her wounds
>though. They look like some sort of claw marks, but there's nothing in
>this area with claws that large."
TOM: Hey, Mike, if there was a werewolf in this fanfic, and he was
American, and since this fanfic is set in Paris, what would you--
MIKE: Howling 8.
TOM: ...why must you crush my joy, Mike?
MIKE: Because I'm broken inside, Tom. Besides, all life is travesty.
CROW: Do you think Willow's hair smells more like apples or strawberries?
> "We're not sure just what happened." Giles adlibbed.
CROW: But I _think_ it went _something_ like _this_...
> "Willow went out for
>a walk, then stumbled back to the estate torn to pieces.
TOM: Apparently the Kennedys have a compound here, too.
> The only thing I
>can think of is some local collector of exotic animals had one of his pets
>get loose."
MIKE: There's nothing more terrifying than a half-crazed meerkat.
> "Some people will never learn that some creatures were never meant to
be
>pets." the Doctor agreed.
TOM: Now we know!
MIKE: And knowing is half the battle!
> "There's really nothing more you can do here,
>may I suggest you go home and get some rest, we'll call you if there is
>any change in your friends condition."
MIKE: Oh, and can we have her organs if she croaks?
CROW: I bet Willow's organs are smooth and pink.
> None of them were eager to leave but saw the wisdom in the advice.
Knowing
>Willow, she would be more distressed, if she thought they were neglecting
>themselves than by her own condition.
CROW: *sniff* It's true, it's so true! When will that sainthood from the
Vatican come through?
MIKE: For Willow _Rosenberg_?
CROW: Well...yeah! Why not?
MIKE: Because it'd give her father a heart attack. Remember? The guy who
won't let her watch A Charlie Brown Christmas?
CROW: ...Urge...to shout "Fanboy"...MUST RESIST!
>
>
> "I don't suppose you could tell me why Willow decided to knock me out
and
>face Zaxerathus on her own?" Buffy asked as they drove back to the estate.
MIKE: Because she loves the spotlight?
> "Because she was afraid you would fight him." Giles replied.
> "So she decided to fight him instead?" Buffy relied incredulously.
> "No. That's the whole point. She didn't fight him at all." Giles
stated.
TOM: 'Twas beauty didn't kill the beast!
> "I'm sorry," Xander interupted, "but for those of us who are me, what
are
>you talking about?"
CROW: The FANFIC, you yutz! I've been half-crazed with religious fervor the
entire time and _I_ knew what was going on!
TOM: Actually, no you didn't.
CROW: I knew more than Xander!
> "It's all very simple, once you understand the nature of the
Devastator."
>Giles explained, "Zaxerathus fed on violence, if you had fought him you
>would only have made him stronger."
MIKE: Insert Obi-Wan Kenobi joke here.
> "That's what the journal meant when it said 'despite the sword's
power...
> Zaxerathus only grew more powerful as the battle raged.'" Buffy said
>finally understanding. "So the sword's power was to protect the wielder
>from attack?"
CROW: And to cut through a tin can like a tomato!
> "Exactly, and since Zaxerathus was contained in the circle, cut of
from
>the rest of the world the only violence he could he feed on was Willow's,
>and since she didn't commit any he couldn't replenish himself and
>eventually he simply ran out of power." Giles concluded.
TOM: Leaving behind a confused Bruce Banner.
> "But if the sword's power was to protect the wielder, why make it a
sword?
>Why not make the Defender a shield?" Xander inquired.
CROW: A shield?! Honey, you're brilliant! I could kiss you!
> "I suppose it has something to do with freewill."
TOM: Oh, _that_ again. Why can't you humans just follow your programming
like mindless automatons, like...uh...Gypsy?
MIKE: Oooooh, pray she didn't hear that.
GYPSY: [OS] Hey, Tom, a mysterious fire seems to have broken out in your
room...too bad, no one up here but us mindless automatons...
TOM: *sigh* Excuse me. [leaves out the other side of the theater]
> Giles conjectured. "Its
>not enough merely to not use violence, one must make a conscious choice to
>forgo violence. Since a sword can be used for both attack and defense it
>was the perfect embodiment of that choice."
MIKE: I woulda gone with the piece of wood with a nail through it, myself.
[Tom returns.]
TOM: [darkly] I had to agree to make her cookies later.
CROW: That's not metaphorical, is it?
MIKE & TOM: Yeecccch!
> It turned out the doctor had been conservative in her estimates.
Willow
>was awake and asking for her friends in just over 16 hours.
CROW: Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you guys. Willow's got a healing factor
and psionic powers and she's tougher than all the X-Men put
together.
TOM: Will you SHUT UP!
> Fortunately
>they had returned to the hospital by that time, and were escorted to her
>room with strict orders to 'keep it brief.'
MIKE:
HiWillowHowYouDoin'YouLookGreatWellThisHasBeenFunGottaGoSeeYouInStudyHall!
TOM: You okay?
MIKE: [gasps] Yeah...just...need a sec...
> Willow was pale, even for her, with dark rings around her eyes, and
had a
>large number of tubes running into her body, but her smile at seeing her
>friends was as beautiful as ever.
CROW: Damn straight it was!
MIKE: Okay, Crow, you know what? The next fanfic we do, I'm just going to
rant about Famke Jannsen the whole time. Ya hear me? FAMKE JANNSEN!
NON-STOP! THE WHOLE TIME!
TOM: Go for it!
> "How are you doing?" Xander asked, as he deposited the large stuffed
bear
>he had purchased for her at the foot of her bed.
> "I feel O.K." Willow lied. "How do I look?"
CROW: Adorable!
MIKE: Not as adorable as FAMKE JANNSEN!
> "Awful." Buffy and Xander replied teasingly.
TOM: Unfortunately, Willow took them seriously and was psychologically
scarred for life.
MIKE: [Willow] Awful...I look AWFUL...
> "Good. I'd hate to feel this bad and have it be my little secret."
Willow
>said half-jokingly.
MIKE: But she was DYING inside, knowing that somwhere, Famke Janssen was
more beautiful than she.
CROW: Hey!
> "Giles explained to us what happened it the battle, but how did you
know
>how to beat him?" Buffy asked.
TOM: Elementary, my dear Buffy! You see, I noticed that Zaxerathus had
a prodigious amount of red clay on his hooves...
> "I didn't know, I just suspected." Willow admitted.
> "You marched off to face a demon with nothing more than a suspicion
of how
>to beat him?" Xander replied stunned.
MIKE: [Xander] Oh, but _I'm_ the dumb one!
> "Sometimes you just have to take things on faith." Willow answered,
but
>could tell Xander didn't understand.
CROW: [bitterly] Idiot.
> Before they could continue the conversation any further, the nurse
>appeared at the door tapping her watch. Xander, Buffy and Giles said their
>good-byes and were escorted from the room.
CROW: And dumped in the street.
TOM: Stay outta Riverdale!
>
>
> Over the next several days Willow rapidly grew stronger.
TOM: Her power and influence spread far and wide! She became master of
all she surveyed! Then came her downfall when she tried to invade
Russia during the winter.
CROW: Hey!
MIKE: There's some things even a funk queen can't do.
> During the days
>her friends would visit her, along with the various member of the Order
>who stopped by to pay their respects to the Champion. At night, Willow
>would rest and Buffy, Xander and Giles would return to the estate.
MIKE: In the spring they'd make meat helmets. When they were insolent,
they were placed in--
TOM: Stop.
MIKE: Burlap--
TOM: STOP.
> Giles
>took great interest in several archaic volumes in the Order's collection.
>Xander took even greater interest in French TV, once he found out how much
>more lax the French were about sex and nudity on television.
CROW: They are?! Any chance we can get a feed?
> And Buffy
>took advantage of the rare opportunity to get a few uninterrupted night's
>rest.
MIKE: How she managed to sleep with Xander scratching at her door, no
one can say.
> Finally, the following Friday, five days after the battle, the
doctors
>pronounced Willow fit to travel. She would be traveling home in he same
>leased jet that had brought her.
TOM: [Robin Leach] And here's Willow Rosenberg in her FAAAAAABULOUS Lear
jet! Her wealth proves beyond a shadow of doubt that she's better
than YOOOOOOU!
> The others, needing to keep up the paper
>trail, would be flying home on a commercial flight, but this time they
>would be flying straight from Paris to LAX first class, courtesy of the
>Order.
TOM: Great. Twenty solid hours on a plane. Thanks, Order.
CROW: "The paper trail?" Is anyone going to be investigating their
movements?
MIKE: Especially since they're not supposed to be in France in the first
place?
> Buffy's lost luggage had finally turned up just in time for her to
>take it home.
MIKE: _The Incredible Journey 3: Luggage Comes Home_!
> Willow was lying in bed, Buffy and Xander at her side,
[MIKE & TOM look at Crow expectantly...]
CROW: Saaaaaaaay!
[Sighs of relief.]
MIKE: That's a load off. Those Floraliers are getting hard to find!
> waiting for the
>doctor to come and give her the final once over before discharging her,
>when the door opened and Eric entered.
> "Err... Hello." He said nervously.
ALL: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYessssssss?
> "Come in. Have a seat." Willow said brightly. "I was wondering if you
were
>going to stop by. You're the only one I haven't had a chance to say
>goodbye to."
TOM: [Willow] By "say goodbye to," I mean "slap the living crap out of,"
but you get the idea...
> "I wasn't sure if I should come." Eric admitted. "I'm the one who
brought
>you here. If I hadn't you wouldn't have been nearly killed..."
CROW: Hey, you've got a point. TAKE HIM OUT!
> "No, I would have lived a happy life until Zaxerathus and his army
reached
>Sunnydale, then Me and everyone I care about would have been killed."
>Willow told him firmly. "You did what needed to be done, don't beat
>yourself up over it."
TOM: [Willow] Buffy's going to take of that for me.
> This seemed to perk Eric up a bit. "Can I ask you a
>question?" Willow continued.
> "Anything." Eric replied.
> "What are you going to do now?" Willow asked.
CROW: I'm goin' to Euro Disney!
> "Me? Go back and finish that Master's Degree I suppose." Eric said
>uncertainly.
MIKE: I should go get to grad school for Monster Slaying.
TOM: I'm pretty sure you have to go to college first.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah, rub it in.
> "Actually, I meant the Order." Willow corrected. "Now that the
Prophecy is
>fulfilled, what are you guy going to do with the estate and all that
>wealth. Split it up? Give it to charity?"
> "You mean no one told you?" Eric chucked.
ALL: Ewwwww!
TOM: All over the sheets!
> "About fifty years ago, the
>Order realized that with the Prophecy's time approaching, there might be
>some who would join the Order to get their hands on its wealth after it
>was over. So it was decided that after the final battle the resources of
>the Order would be given to the Champion."
CROW: Congratulations! For saving the world, you get a bunch of French crap!
> "Are you telling me its all mine." Willow replied stunned.
MIKE: [Daffy Duck] I'm rich! I'm wealthy! I'm comfortably well off!
> "The estate. Its contents. The back accounts. The investment
portfolio.
>Its all yours." Eric answered. "Naturally, it will have to be held it
>trust until your 21st birthday."
CROW: Oh, and the money comes in free margarita coupons. Is that not
convenient?
> "Just how much are we talking about?" Xander asked.
TOM: One meeeeeeeeeellion dollars!
MIKE: Hey!
> "Xander!" Willow exclaimed at her friend's lack of tact.
> "Actually, I was wondering the same thing." Buffy admitted.
> "O.K." Willow confessed "Me too. So how much are we talking about?"
MIKE: Well, uh, we actually decided to do some day-trading with the money,
so...heh...
> "It's hard to give a precise figure with out checking the portfolio
and
>the current exchange rate, but somewhere around 87 million in US Dollars."
>Eric stated matter of factly.
CROW: ...okay, this settles it. Willow is the perfect woman.
MIKE: All right, I admit it! Willow is the funk queen of the universe!
TOM: Glad you joined us.
> "Eighty... Seven... Million..." Willow gasped out, now totally
stunned. "I
>think I need to lie down."
CROW: Naked, in a big pile of money, and cackle hysterically!
> "You are lying down." Eric observed.
> "Oh good." she replied absent mindedly.
TOM: Eighty-seven million bucks, huh? And does John Constantine ever
see a dime for doing the same thing? HELL, NO!
>
>
> The battered yellow school bus groaned into the parking lot, and
rattled
>to a stop. As the students emerged, Buffy and Xander, slipped in with the
>group and came around to the other side where the parents were waiting as
>if they had been on the trip.
MIKE: But Mr. Pritchard saw. Oh, yes. He saw. And remembered.
> Cordelia was there. Her designer camping
>wear was dirty and torn, and her skin was covered by strange white
>splotches.
TOM: Just came back from Woodstock '99, huh?
> "I have been in hell."
CROW: [falsetto] They rounded us up in a small room and made us read "The
Only Constant" over and over again!
> she told them "It was dirty, smelly and there were
>little creepy crawly things everywhere. And I'm not going to go into the
>toilet facilities, other that to say I'm going to be in therapy about it
>for months."
MIKE: ...did Cordy come visit the Satellite?
TOM: We don't have creepy crawly things.
MIKE: We've got the Nanites...
> "Gee we missed you too Cordelia. Yes we did find Willow. She's going
to be
>fine." Buffy answered in response to the questions and comments Cordelia
>had forgotten.
CROW: [Buffy] Yes, Xander secretly lusts after you. No, the French do not
call a Whopper "Le Roi Du Burgere." Yes, you are a child of
the universe no less than the trees.
> "Uh Cordelia, I may not be Max Factor,
MIKE: [Xander] I'm more like X-Factor.
CROW: Yeah, nobody likes that either.
> but what is with your make-up?"
>Xander asked indicating the white splotches.
> "That's not make-up. Its
TOM: The Curse of Maggido. Apparently I violated some seal or something.
> calamine lotion." Cordelia answered. "Did you
>know there's a plant that can make you break out in a rash just from
>touching it?"
MIKE: No. Did you know there's another plant that can make you happy
just from smoking it?
CROW: Hey, that reminds me, Joel's...uh..."hydroponic farm" needs
watering.
TOM: Yeah, and we're almost out of frozen pizzas.
> "Poison Ivy?" Buffy offered, barely able to keep from giggling.
TOM: [Buffy] Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy?! Hee hee! It's INSANE!
> "That's it. Oh there's Daddy. He's going to be buying me a complete
new
>wardrobe for this." Cordelia said storming off.
MIKE: Gee, wonder why Cordy's dad got nailed for tax evasion.
TOM: It's a mystery...
> "You know that's actually a good look for her." Xander observed
through an
>enormous grin.
CROW: [Xander] HA! The pain of others is my only joy!
MIKE: Oh, leave him alone.
> "Buffy!" Joyce Summer's yelled to her only daughter.
> "Well see you later." Buffy told Xander then hurried over to her
mother.
> "They found your friend Willow yesterday." Mrs. Summers told her
daughter.
MIKE: Dead and wrapped in plastic.
CROW: HEY! Jeez!
> "Really?" Buffy replied trying to sound genuinely surprised and
excited.
> "Poor thing they found her wandering down the road in her nightgown,
not
>able to remember a thing about what happened to her."
TOM: They've been questioning Charlie Sheen, but...
> Mrs. Summers
>explained. "You were probably right about going on this trip, did it help
>you get your mind off worrying about Willow at all?"
> "A little bit." Buffy lied. "At least everything I looked at didn't
remind
>me of Willow."
CROW: Except for, y'know, the willow trees.
> "So how was your trip?" Mrs. Summers asked.
> "Oh plants, animals, bugs about what you'd expect. Cordelia got
poison
>ivy." Buffy stated.
MIKE: [Buffy] And three kids were slaughtered by a guy in a hockey mask,
but they were having sex so that's okay.
> "Can we go see Willow?"
> "Of course." her mother replied "They're keeping her in the hospital
for a
>few days. She was apparently pretty banged up."
TOM: And she was repeating "Surrender Dorothy" over and over!
>
> *** Epilogue ***
CROW: Willow the Vampire Slayer! A Quinn Whedon Production!
> A few weeks later.
MIKE: And we're still in here reading this thing! Enough!
> For Willow Rosenberg, life had returned to what passes for normal on
the
>Hellmouth. The police had questioned her extensively trying to find out
>some useful detail about her kidnappers. Eventually, they had given up
>deciding she either couldn't or didn't want to remember what had happened.
TOM: Boy, Sunnydale PD gives up easily, don't they?
MIKE: Well, there's not much job security, what with them all getting
killed and sucked dry all the time.
CROW: I think Sunnydale's where they send all those guys from the Police
Academy movies.
>Her parents worried about her, gave her a lot of spontaneous hugs and kept
>an extra close eye on her.
CROW: They kept a journal, chronicling her movements. They began collecting
her bodily waste in jars. Soon, the fear never left her.
MIKE: Paranoia strikes deep.
> She couldn't blame them, but it made it hard to
>keep up with her duties as a Slayerette. At school the other kids had been
>extra polite to her for a few days before going back to their usual
>indifference.
MIKE: That sorta thing would never happen to Famke Janssen.
CROW: Deep Rising, Mike.
MIKE: Hey, that's--
CROW: House on Haunted Hill, Mike.
MIKE: Dead Man on Campus, Crow!
CROW: MONUMENT AVE., MIKE!
TOM: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!! YOU'RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!
> At the moment, however, none of that mattered to Willow. She was on a
>mission. Desperately she searched for her target. A-ha! She thought as she
>pulled a crumpled Dollar Bill from the drawer. The irony of a
>multi-millionaire digging for cash to go to the movies, never occurred to
>her.
[TOM opens his mouth.]
MIKE: I certainly hope there's no Alanis Morrissette-related comments
about to emerge from the dome of yours, Tommy.
[TOM slowly shuts his mouth.]
> Now if she could just find one more...
TOM: She could afford a bus ticket to another town, one where the
dead don't walk the earth at night. [mutters] Isntitironic
dontchathink?
MIKE: I heard that!
> "Ouch!" she exclaimed, putting her thumb it her mouth and sucking on
it as
>she glared at the offending tack that had wounded her.
> "By the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes."
> Why did that thought have to run through her head she wondered.
CROW: Uh...because you pricked your thumb? You don't really need
transactional
analysis to figure that one out, Wil.
> Not that
>pricking her thumb was necessary. Living on the Hellmouth, something
>wicked was always coming this way.
CROW: Never mind; off to Cooger & Dark's Pandemonium Carnival!
> "Willow! Buffy's here!" her mom called up to her.
MIKE: [Mrs. R] And she's soaked in blood again!
> "Be right there!" Willow called back, as she unearthed the last
dollar she
>needed, and flew down the stairs. She and Buffy had an appointment at the
>movies with Brad Pitt and she wasn't about to be late.
TOM: [Willow] This "Fight Club" sounds really fun! Tee hee!
> The End
ALL: Grrr. Argh.
TOM: Let's go...
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7]
[SOL. The gang stands around the desk.]
MIKE: Well, that wasn't bad at all, was it?
TOM: Goofy-ass demons, French guys, and the lovely and talented
Willow Rosenberg. I don't have any complaints.
CROW: It-was-better-than-Cats. I-can't-wait-to-see-it-again-
and-again.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah. As long as you're over that whole religious
obsession, Crow of Arc.
CROW: Well, I won't keep harping on it, but I still have my beliefs.
MIKE: Crow, she's a fictional character! She exists only because Joss
Whedon made her up! She's _not real_!
[A phone rings. Mike reaches under the desk and picks it up.]
MIKE: Uh...hello? [pause--looks confused] It's Willow. For you.
CROW: Really? Wow! Uh...how do I look?
TOM: It's a PHONE, you jackass!
[Mike hands the phone to Crow.]
CROW: [voice breaks] Hello? Oh, hi, Willow. You did? Oh, that's great!
[to guys] She saw the experiment and she really liked it. [listens]
Uh-huh...[looks at Mike] yeah, he does have sort of a big face...
well, I don't think it's that Tom's not funny, it's just that he
tends to go over people's heads. Yeah...tomorrow night? I don't
have any plans... [to guys] Excuse me, fellas. [walks off with phone]
Sure, I've got a tuxedo...
TOM: Well. He spends the entire experiment defending Willow and now he
has a date with her.
MIKE: So it would seem.
TOM: ...ya think Pearl's got any fanfic with Ling from Ally McBeal?
MIKE: Just give 'em the info, wouldya?
TOM: Oh, yeah. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail message to majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the
message "subscribe dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body.
Be sure to read the MiSTing Guidelines, as described in the FAQ.
[to Mike] Elaine, maybe?
MIKE: No!
TOM: Deputy Max?
MIKE: Whaddaya think, Pearl?
[Castle Forrester. Pearl is typing into the Sublimitron 5000.]
PEARL: Not now, Mike. Brain Guy and Bobo are in there watching "Jack
and Jill" and I'm going to send them on a destructive spree.
It's good fun! Now let's see... "Destroy...maim...desecrate--"
Uh-oh. I think I spelled that wrong...
BOBO: [OS] Uh...Lawgiver? Brain Guy and I had a little "accident."
[Pearl tosses the keyboard over her shoulder.]
PEARL: Well, so much for that. If you'll excuse me, I'd better get into
a containment suit.
B.G.: [OS] "Bvfed089 q?" How on Earth am I supposed to "Bvfed089 q?"
[Fade to black.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Willow the Vampire Slayer?
Written by Lord Bowler
Misting by: Pete Milan
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyright of Mutant Enemy
and Twentieth Century Fox Television. All rights reserved.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyright of Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.
The author would like to thank Lord Bowler for so graciously
allowing himself to be maligned.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc., Mutant Enemy, Twentieth Century Fox Television or
anyone else, is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead,
is purely coincidental.
I like Xander. Really, I do. Crow's the one who hates him.
Keep circulating the posts.
*twang*
------------------------------------------------------------------------
> That his
>return would not go unwatched for the Order was established with the task
>of preserving the knowledge and preparing for the final battle.
--
Pete
deu...@yahoo.com
deu...@prodigy.net
"If you start out depressed, everything's
kind of a pleasant surprise." -- Lloyd Dobler