[MiSTied] Debug Your Brain [3/3]
Natalie Welch
>Path:
>news1.delphi.com!news.delphi.com!uunet!wizard.pn.com!news.xensei.
TOM: What is it, Grasshopper?
com!usenet
>From: mod...@netcom.com (Modemac) Newsgroups: alt.slack
>
>Subject: Re: DEBUG YOUR BRAIN. of past trauma - technique in book gave me new
>life - freedom from the prison of my mind! OPEN THIS MESSAGE NOW!
TOM: Whoa! Run-on subject line there.
> Date: Wed, 15
>Mar 1995 13:58:15 -0800 (PST)
MIKE: Psst! Ignore this post! Pass it on!
> Organization: First Online Church of "Bob"
>
>Lines: 105
>Message-ID: <3k7e1b$o...@xensei3.xensei.com>
TOM: Now what, Grasshopper?
MIKE: Tom, you've mixed up the Japanese word for "teacher" with a Kung Fu
reference. That's like casting David Carradine as a Ninja Turtle.
>References: <BRET-13039...@d2.leonardo.net>
CROW: [Ninja Turtle] Cowabunga, dude!
>NNTP-Posting-Host: modemac.xensei.com
TOM: [Ninja Turtle] Yo, sensei! [Normal voice] That better?
MIKE: Much.
>X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent v0.38
CROW: (Your favorite team here) has just signed number 38 through free
agency!
>
>[NOTE from Modemac: I may have Scientology on the brain here (which
>would indeed be something to worry about),
TOM: I'm getting chills just thinking about it. [Shudder.]
> but the techniques
>described in the book below sound similar to the brainwashing
>techniques of Dianetics. This message lists a WWW page you can try
>out.]
MIKE: Only if Dr. F forces us to.
>
>BRET@LEONARDO.
BOTS: Cowabunga!
> NET (BRET CARR) wrote:
>
>Debug Your Brain. of restiumulated past traumas
TOM: But not of stray periods and spelling errors.
>DEBUG YOUR BRAIN. - "Ingenius in it's simplicity. I've seen this book
>transform a life" - Advance review from New York Times journalist Josh
>Young
CROW: Ironically, his life was transformed as well when he promptly
committed suicide after being ridiculed for actually buying the
concepts in the book!
MIKE: Crow, that's too dark.
CROW: Okay, then, let's say he lived happily ever after in total
obscurity. The End.
>
>
>As an incest survivor and convicted felon,
TOM: Man, he just lost credibility big time!
> who, before my 1st
>Debugging,
>was at the mercy of unpredictable depressions and relationships that
>were
>always sick dramatizations from my childhood,
TOM: [William Shatner] Today on. Dysfunction. 911!
> I am excited to share
>with
>you my new book DEBUG YOUR BRAIN.. The simple technique outlined in
>the
MIKE: Do you guys get the
feeling
that somebody did not
have
their margins set at
80?
>book has liberated my life, removing me from the mercy of brain
>circuitry
CROW: Circuitry?!? Hey, Tom, I think this post was written by your brother!
TOM: More like *your* brother, Crow!
CROW: *Your* brother!
TOM: Yours!
CROW: YOURS!
TOM: YOURS!
MIKE: Guys, guys. This is *my* brother!
BOTS: Huh?
MIKE: Gotcha!
>which was welded into my head to survive growing up with my alcoholic
>and
>traumatized parents.I am not free to paddycake
CROW: Paddycake, baker's man...
> the work that changed
>my
>life -gave me life, in only a few hours. It's not for the faint
>hearted
>-it's exhausting and you will get to the tear filled roots of your
>life..
TOM: That will explain why you never learned any HYPHENATION RULES!!!
MIKE: That's enough grammar flames for this post, Tom.
>no more compulsive relationships,
>no more love addiction,
>no more smoking, overeating, or neurotic thoughts.
>THERE IS NOTHING MORE
TOM: DEAFENING THAT CAPITAL LETTERS!! Quit shouting!
> DEADENING THAN THE INABILITY TO FOLLOW OUR
>INSTINCTS, WHICH IS OUR HEART. OUR GOD. This work is not analysis
CROW: But I should be analyzed.
> - it
>is
>a technique to freedom -but you gotta do it, after you read it...
CROW: Burn it!
TOM: Burn, baby, burn!
MIKE: Yeah, about Fahrenheit 451 sounds good. Not very PC, but a great
suggestion.
> it's
>my
>book and it's exploding through southern california -
TOM: Arrrgh! Now he's lost his capitalization rules!
> please read it
>and
>work the technique now! So we can celebrate together.
MIKE: Sentence fragments? Geez, this guy *is* losing his grammar!
CROW: Mom's or Dad's side?
TOM: Crow!
> I recently lost
>my
>sister -cause I didn't reach her in time - her spirit empowers me to
>reach
>you now - don't wait.
MIKE: A run-on?!?
All: Caps, fragments, and run-ons, oh my!
Caps, fragments, and run-ons, oh my!
> Check out testimonials,
MIKE: Only if it's the O. J. Trial.
> the book cover and read 10 pages of it @
>http://ttx.com/bookzone/10000139.cvr.gif -
TOM: Sure hope Dr. F doesn't know about that site.
>you may save $2 by mentioning exactly where you heard about the book
>and
>what you related to
MIKE: Nothing. Do I still get my discount?
> -send $15 (includes 2 day shipping) to Sunami
All: Run! It's a tsunami!!
>Publishing 12100 Wilshire Blvd. #770, LA CA 90025
TOM: Figures. La-La Land. Let's go.
> or you may place
>credit
>card orders for $17 @ 1800-860-5042.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7]
[SoL]
[The desk area is clear except for a large box labeled "Industrial Size
Duct Tape Roll."]
[Crow enters, spies box.]
CROW: Oh, look. Tom and Mike think they can intimidate me from any more
Anaconda gags with a fake Industrial Size Duct Tape Roll. I'll call
their bluff.
[He climbs up on top and tries to tip the box over with his beak.]
CROW: Boy, this box is sure heavy!
[He pulls and pulls and finally gets the box down.]
CROW: Aaaaah! The roll was real!!
[He runs across in front of the desk. A very large roll of duct tape is
following after him. He runs behind the desk; roll is still following
him. He runs around again. The roll is *still* following him. Crow and
the roll are continuing to go around the desk as Tom and Mike enter.]
TOM: Looks like Crow found our Industrial-Size Duct Tape Roll, huh, Mike?
[Before Mike can speak, Crow and the roll come their way. They run the
same circuit in front of Crow.]
MIKE: Sure looks [half lap] that way, [half lap] Tom.
[Post sign flashes.]
All: Aaaaah! [half lap] We got [half lap] post sign!!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1]
> For those not on the WWW,
MIKE: Thank God Dr. F is rarely on the Web.
> I'll share a letter from my client Dr.
>Richard DeAndrea,
CROW: Don't you mean you're *his* client?
> "Eight years of post graduate mediacal
TOM: Media-cal? What is that, a two year institution?
> training and
>experience in psychiatry and psycho-social rehabilitation have never
>allowed me a method to feel so whole after only three hours of
CROW: Gilligan's Island!
All: A three-hour toour! A three-hour toour!
>Debugging.
>Through allowing me to relive and safely discharge the physical and
>mental
>abuses which were the programs of my parents, my life has shifted
>perspective.
TOM: Aaaah! Dependent clauses that don't match the independent clause!
CROW: And he's supposed to be quoting a *psychaitrist*, for crying
out loud! Debugging must give its participants the same prose style!
> I am now lucid. I feel empowered to connect my disjointed
>dreams into actions that can be finally realized. "
> This past october 14, 1994
TOM: Oh, columbus day.
> my other book Powdered WIngs
MIKE: [Sings] So take these powdered wings, and learn to fly again,
learn to live so free...
> resulted in
>a
>page 1 Wall St. Journal article ('Daddy Dearest') which exposed my
>tycoon
>-child molester
TOM: That's "tycoon *slash* child molester!
grandfather, Victor Posner.
CROW: Does Donahue know about this?
> While I was too late to
MIKE: Work.
>turn
>my sister onto this work, I don't blame myself for my lack of urgency
>or
CROW: Anything else that happens in this crazy world.
>my grandfather for traumatizing her. We were both surviving the only
>way
>we were able.
MIKE: One day at a time?
TOM: Fighting tooth and nail?
CROW: Cannibalism?
> Punishment and guilt don't work - they create more bad
>circuits
TOM: Ugh! This post is causing bad circuits!
> -Debugging works. I guarantee it! :
> Anyone who pays by check or cash gets a money back guaruntee
CROW: [Cajun accent] I gar-un-tee!
TOM: Hey, Bret! Proofread, willya!
> and my
>further promise that if you doubt that your life cannot be free from
All: Bad pseudoscientific posts?
>the
>prison of your mind,
MIKE: But O. Henry wrote his best stuff in prison!
> I'll give you a session, tape it for my records.
>and
>if it doesn't work, it's free (my rate is $250. an hour).
TOM: He must pull in, oh, about $500 in a good year.
> A personal note from me: Tina's spirit and to her spirit that is
>mirrored in you reading this:
TOM: Huh?
> I've found a way to constantly live at
>peace, (instead of biting my nails to bloody stumps)
All: Ewww!!
> conciously
>growing
>from life's synchronistic challenges, acting on love instead of
MIKE: Hate.
>reacting
>to situations through the foggy glasses of my past. I share these
TOM: Gifts.
>tools
>with you so we can celebrate together. Love, Bret Carr.
CROW: Good riddance!
>
>--
>Jump and the net will be there. A little farther and your wings will
>appear.
TOM: Food for thought, huh, guys? Let's go. This is the other guy's
.sig file.
>
> +---------------------------------------+
> | Reverend Modemac (mod...@netcom.com) |
>+--------------+ "There is no black and white." +-------------+
>| First Online Church of "Bob," A Subfaction of the Excremeditated |
>| Congregation of the Overinflated Head of L. Ron Hubbard |
>+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
> FINGER mod...@netcom.com for a FREE SubGenius Pamphlet!
>
>
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7]
[Crow, Tom, and Mike are at the desk. Tom's head is spinning.]
TOM: That last post was so bad, I feel like my head's spinning.
CROW: That's because it is, silly! [Mike stops Tom's head and sets it
right.]
TOM: Thanks.
MIKE: [Taps mad light.] What do you think, sir?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [Considering Instant Spare Assistant Capsules] Igor or Algernon?
[Looks up.] huh? Oh, done already, Nelson? Maybe you can help me,
then. Which lab assistant would you guys prefer? A hunchback a la
Dr. Frankenstein's assistant Igor, or an anthropomorphic, mutant genius
lab mouse named Algernon, with whom I might have power struggles?
[SoL]
CROW: Gee, we've had enough of the Igor type with Torgo. Besides, it
would be nice to see Dr. F squirm for a while.
TOM: Yeah! Sounds like Daniel Keyes meets Stephen Spielberg's Amimaniacs.
CROW: With Dr. F. as Pinky!
MIKE: That's a fun idea. We say go with Algernon.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Thought so. You guys would *love* to watch me squirm, now,
wouldn't you? So I will choose Igor! [He drops the Igor capsule
into a beaker of water.]
[Ka-BOOM! Typical explosion gag. Dr. F's face is black with soot, and
his hair was blown back from the blast, but otherwise, he's okay.]
Dr. F: [Grabs box of Spare Assistant Capsules] Oh, I see now. For best
results, use water from a toxic waste dump. Silly me. I used
distilled water! I'll have to find another Igor capsule and try
again.
[Whoosh]
MiSTied by Natalie Welch. Send comments to natw...@freenet.columbus.oh.us
DISCLAIMERS AND OTHER CREDITS
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c)1995 by Best BRains, Inc. All rights reserved. Also
Debug Your Brain (the book) is copyright by Bret Carr, and is out there,
somewhere.
This MiSTing is not intended in any way to infringe upon the rights of
Michael J. Nelson, Joel Hodgson, or anyone else who has ever been
associated with Best Brains, Inc.; nor Hormel Foods, Johnson & Johnson,
Ian Fleming, Monty Python, Mister Mister or anyone else and/or their
creations that I spoofed. Nor is this a personal attack on Swami Salsa
(what a name, though!), nor Bret Carr.
[Ka-BOOM!!!]
Yes, he appears to be obsessed with his Ananda, but so too are many other
men, only secretly.