MSTed A Galaxy Far Away 2

[Amy Ashton]

[SOL]

[MIKE, TOM, and CROW are standing about, holding sheafs of paper. Well,
MIKE and CROW are holding theirs. TOM has his propped up on a typewriter
clipboard. He's also wearing his glasses and the sweater from his "Servo
on Film" sketch. No one is in the leg-up position, however, thank goodness.]

CROW: ...and then Sidney Carton swooped out of the sky in his Apache
attack helicopter and strafed the guillotine!
TOM: You stole that from "Cheers."
CROW: Did not.
TOM: Did so.
MIKE: [looking at CAMBOT] Hi everyone, welcome back. In
the spirit of today's experiment, I've asked the 'bots here to write
their own fanfics, so we can appreciate how much hard work and
effort the author put into his. Unfortunately, I'm not sure Crow will
be able to share his, what with the Computer Decency Act and all.
CROW: Hey! It wasn't that bad. Well, there was that one scene
between Sidney and Mme DeFarge.
MIKE: Eeeew.
TOM: Crow! How could you?
MIKE: Well, Tom, why don't you share your fanfic with us while
Crow attempts to make his suitable for general consumption.
CROW: Well, it wasn't like they --
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Okay, okay...
MIKE: Okay, Tom, let's hear what you have.
TOM: Why, thanks, Mike! [clears throat] I have taken Edith
Wharton's masterpiece of short fiction, _Ethan Frome_, and
composed an alternate ending.
MIKE: Great! Let's have it.
TOM: Well, what happens, see, is that when Ethan and Mattie leave
the house to go to the train station, Zeena invites Jean-Claude, her
French lover, in. See, it turns out she was faking all those illnesses
to find time to be with her French pastry, if you know what I mean.
So halfway to the train station, Mattie realizes she's forgotten her
purse, so they have to go back to the house, where they find Zeena
and Jean-Claude in flagrante delecto. [chuckles] So Ethan becomes
enraged and pulls his gun off the rack and chases Jean-Claude off
his property. Zeena runs after him, and they abscond to Paris,
where he plies his trade as a blacksmith --
MIKE: In Paris?
TOM: Sure, why not? And Zeena becomes a scullery maid and has
affairs with great men of state. And Ethan and Mattie get married
and live happily ever after.

[brief silence]

MIKE: Well... okay, I guess.
CROW: Tom, that's just weird.
TOM: Well, the other ending was too sad. What'd you come up with,
Nelson?
MIKE: Umm... well, actually, it's an E.M. Forster/X-Files crossover.

[another brief silence]

CROW: Nelson, I gotta hand it to you. That's even weirder than
Tom's story.
MIKE: Well, there's a cool part where the guy Anthony Hopkins
played in _Howard's End_ mutates into a bloodsucking alien and
goes on a killing rampage in --
CROW: Okay! Wanna hear my rewrite?
MIKE: That was fast.
CROW: My creativity flows unimpeded from the gods, Mike. See,
mine's based on this TV show on Comedy Central. It's about
a guy and his two robots, and they go up into space, but instead
of watching bad movies they read bad USENET posts and... uh...
MIKE: [clears throat]
TOM: [whistles]
CROW: Er... um...
MIKE: We'll be right back.

[more commercials]

[Interior: theatre]

> * * *
>"I don't know what it is, I've never seen anything like it. Odo?"

CROW: No, I've never seen anything like Odo, either.

>Dr. Bashir asked the Constable. "I have no idea..." Cmdr Sisco flipped a
>switch on the metal cylinder and a green beam shot out three feet and
>stayed there humming. "It appears to be powerful however," Odo
>finished.

TOM: Whoa. Hold on here. Wait a minute. What happened to the
paragraphs?
CROW: Remember at the beginning, that note about the hard
returns?
TOM: Yeah?
CROW: Well, apparently, no one's gotten around to putting
them in.
TOM: Ooooohh... my head hurts.

>"How is the patient?" Sisco asked the Doctor. "He appears
>to be human, but his brain waves are hugely amplified.

MIKE: His amp goes up to eleven.

>Even more than
>a Betazoid or telepath." Bashir answered looking at his medical
>tricorder. "Can you wake..."

CROW: [as Bashir] Not without an alarm clock. Why do you ask?

>Before Sisco could finish, Luke sat up
>stiffly and shook his head. "Where am I?" He asked slightly
>bewildered. He could sense thousands around him, some humans,

CROW: Amazing how they're all humans, coming from different
galaxies and all.
TOM: Now you're catching on to the innate ridiculousness of mixing
the Star Trek and Star Wars universes.
CROW: Thank you, Professor Fanguy.
TOM: Hey! Mike, make him stop.
MIKE: Shut it, both of you.

>but mostly aliens, different from any he'd felt before.

MIKE: So... you uh... feel aliens often?

>"You are in the
>medical facility on Deep Space Nine," Sisco acknowledged courteously.

CROW: Then he socked him in the jaw.

>"Your ship lost life support and we transported you out unconscious.
>Your ship is safe in the security bay."

TOM: [as Sisco] Well... as safe as you can get on this space-borne piece
of... but enough about me!

>"What system is this?"

TOM: 7.1. Why?

>"Bajor," Sisco answered. "Never heard of it," he said his eyes
>focussed on Odo who was examining the lightsaber. "Your weapon
> will have to be confiscated until you leave. No one is allowed weapons
>on the station."

MIKE: [as Odo] No one except me, that is. I carry a cattle prod and
a taser. It keeps the scum in line.

>"Fair, enough," Luke said. "There were two other ships
>with me are they alright?" "The other fighter and the freighter were
>fine," Sisco replied.

CROW: [as Sisco] We walked them, groomed them, and bedded them down
in the stables with some feed.

>"There was a casualty on the freighter, he was
>beamed aboard the Federation Starship _Enterprise_."

MIKE: [as Luke] The Enterprise! But... that's a slave ship!

>"You should
>rest," Dr. Bashir interrupted. "You can see them soon." "I feel
>okay," said Luke calmly. Bashir looked at the tricorder. "All your
>bodily functions are stable. It appears you have a miraculous recovery
>rate. I see no reason to hold you," he shrugged.

MIKE: [as Bashir] So I'll hold you for no reason at all! Come here, you!

>Luke looked at his
>right hand and moved the servo-motors.

TOM: Saaaaaay! I like this guy already.

>"Your artificial hand was
>damaged, I took the liberty of repairing it for you.

CROW: [as Bashir] And I upgraded it so now you can shoot death
rays from your fingertips. It's really cool. Chicks dig it.

>I've never seen
>prosthetic construction like that before." "I'm from a long ways
>away.

TOM: [as Luke] A galaxy far, far away, in fact. Where the hope
of freedom is kept alive by -- oh, forget it. You're not paying
attention.

>It feels like new. Thank you." Luke hopped off the biobed
>and instinctively felt for his lightsaber. He remembered and let it go,
>reluctantly. "I'll take you to the _Enterprise_, Mr...." Odo faltered
>"Skywalker, Luke Skywalker."

MIKE: [as Odo] Skywalker? What kind of idiot name is that? Sounds
like something out of a movie.

> * * *
>"Captain we have their coordinates..." Lt. Fulson announced.

MIKE: [as Captain] Well, give them back!

>"Good,
>set course," commanded Captain Drekker looking at his readout. Lord
>Vader overheard and began walking back to the navigation pit.

CROW: [snickering] Where was he before? The conversation pit?
MIKE: See, they're doing podium training.
TOM: Now *that's* obscure.

>"But
>sir, their coordinates took them past a supernova star, we can't
>safely follow."

TOM: Asteriods are not my concern.
CROW: Tom, that's strange.

>"You have found them Captain?" Vader's voice boomed
>over Drekker's shoulder. Drekker paused and turned to face Vader,
>"Yes, my Lord, however, a star went supernova minutes ago along their
>course and we can't..."

CROW: ...maintain bladder control.

>"I don't have time for excuses, Captain. Set
>course." "Yes, my Lord," Drekker turned and gestured to the nervous
>Lt. Drekker tensed his face.

TOM: Watch it, your face will freeze like that.

>I could handle this just fine MY LORD!
>He looked down the catwalk after Vader,

MIKE: [as Vader] I do my little turn on the catwalk... like so.

>and didn't think anything.

TOM: Like that's anything new.

>Lt. Fulson thumbed a comm switch, "Prepare for the jump to
>lightspeed," his voice echoed throughout the _Nosferatu_.
> * * *
>As DS9's tractors set the _Falcon_ down on the deck between the two
>battered X-wings, the door irised shut above the three ships. The hiss
>of pressurization stopped

CROW: ... just short of viable pressure, and everyone in the dock
suffered a slow, agonizing death from asphyxiation!

>and Threepio opened the main gangway and
>walked out complaining about the lack of manners on the part of this
>station.

TOM: [as Threepio] All I said was "You couldn't process a simple
quadratic equation," and it got all *huffy* with me!

>He nearly ran into two maintenance workers. They were
>startled. They hadn't seen a robot like this before and didn't know
>how to deal with it.

MIKE: Yeah, I know how hard it is to deal with 'bots.
CROW & TOM: Hey!

>They looked at each other. Finally one spoke.

CROW: He said, "Die, golden fiend!" and he whipped out an AK-47
and shot Threepio into little golden bits!
MIKE&TOM: [cheer]

>"Who are you?"

ALL: Oh.

>"I am See-Threepio, human-cyborg relations..."
>"Well, See-Threepio, you'll have to wait inside the ship until your
>security clearance comes through." Threepio stopped and cocked

CROW: Hey! He doesn't have eyebrows.

> his head.

CROW: Oh. Okay.

>"I must tend to the Artoo unit in that X-wing, he's been
>severely damaged." "What?" the two men looked at each other.
>"Look it will all be taken care of, you need to wait inside." Threepio
>went back up the ramp cursing as only a protocol droid can curse,

TOM: ...in ones and zeroes.
CROW: 11010001110100100!
TOM: I hear ya, buddy.

>and closed the hatch.
> * * *
>"Do you think that it is possible that these Imperials could have
>tracked you here?" Picard asked leaning back in his chair and studying
>the General seated opposite him.

TOM: [as Picard] Nice cheekbones... ruggedly handsome features...
tousled hair... why, General, I find you devilishly attractive!

>"Well, that's just it, we're not
>even sure where here is?

MIKE: [as Picard] Well, are you asking or telling?

>When we jumped to hyperspace, I think
>something happened, a supernova, an uncharted blackhole or something
>threw us off course...way off course.

TOM: [as Leia] Men. They go into space without a map, and they *never*
stop to ask for directions!

>It was almost impossible to tell
>anything. Most of the _Falcon_'s systems were damaged and the nav
>computer wasn't working right." "Big surprise," Leia said under her
>breath. Chewbacca growled a chuckle. Han shot them both a warning
>glance.

TOM: Oh, how I wish he'd shoot Riker with that warning glance.

>Leia butted in. "The truth is Captain Picard,

CROW: [as Leia] If they had let me drive, we wouldn't *be*
in this predicament!

>we don't know
>what happened. The Imperials could have gotten our transmission to
>the fighters..." "To the fighters?" Geordie asked. "Our fighters don't
>have nav computer," explained Wedge, "all of our hyperspace jumps
>are handled by droids."

CROW: Wise choice.
TOM: Definitely.

>"As far as I can tell," Han took the initiative
>again "We're a helluva long ways from where we started." "Agreed,"
>Picard sat up.

MIKE: [as Picard] I'm sorry, what did you just say? I was
taking my afternoon nap.
TOM: It's the Ronald Reagan School of Starship Captaining.
CROW: D'oh!

>"If you could furnish Lt. Cmdr Data with

MIKE: [as Picard] ... a futon, or perhaps a sleeper sofa.
CROW: How about a personality while they're at it?

>your star
>charts, we may be able to match them to the proper system, or indeed
>the proper galaxy."

TOM: [as Han] Data, buddy, you ever considered tanning?

>"I'll have to get to my ship," Han said looking
>at the pale android. "Worf, Data, accompany the General and Chewbacca
>to the station, and deal with the security measures," "Aye, sir," said
>both Data and Worf. "Excuse me Captain," Han stood, "but can we see
>Lando first?" "Certainly," smiled Picard.

CROW: [as Han] GAH! Sir, don't take this personal, but would you please
never smile again?

>They stood and Luke walked
>in followed by Odo. "Luke!" Leia ran and gave him a hug and a kiss.
>Chewie hugged him as well.

MIKE: [as Luke] Whew! Time for that flea dip, Chewie!

>"Looking good kid, you had us scared for
>a minute!" "Thanks, Han."

TOM: And this scene would be lifted directly from "The Empire
Strikes Back."

>"Captain?" asked Wedge, "Would it be
>possible to get to the fighters? We need to get started on repairs."
>"Certainly. Cmdr LaForge will give you a hand with any of the
>necessary tools or replicating parts."

TOM: [as Picard] Don't concern yourself with the fact that,
since you are from another galaxy, your alloys and technology
are completely unlike ours.
CROW: [ditto] In this, the Star Trek Universe, we have ways
of getting around that.

>"Thank you, Captain," Han
>acknowledged. Everyone walked out into the corridor and followed
>Data. Worf walked in the opposite direction with Odo.

CROW: So I guess *not* everyone followed Data.

>Riker and Picard
>were left in the conference room. "Some interesting guests, eh Number
>One?"

MIKE: [as Riker] Huh? Sorry, sir, I was just dozing there.

>"Yes, sir!" Riker looked after the Princess as they disappeared
>around the corer. "Will!" Deanna Troi chided.

CROW: Will not!

>"Deanna," Picard asked
>"What did you sense about our guests?" "General Solo is a con-artist.
>He's not really lying to us. His exagerrattion and arrogance are more
>to make him look better.

MIKE: [as Deanna] And it works! Hoo-boy!

>He has the personality of a

CROW: [as Deanna] ...pet rock.

>gambler or a pirate rather than a military general. Still he cares about his
>friends and his ship, very deeply and although it is contradictory, he
>cares about the rebellion. Chewbacca is primitive in his desires, but
>extremely loyal and intelligent. He has an enormous attachment to the
>General.

CROW: So he's a smart dog.
TOM: Oxymoron.
CROW: Who're you calling a moron?!
MIKE: Some dogs are really smart. Maybe he's a border collie or
a standard poodle.
TOM: He looks like a tall guy in a fake-fur suit to me.

>Cmdr Antilles is a very straightforward rebel. He believes in
>his cause and has the youthful exuberance that will see him through a
>fight.

TOM: He's a Pisces, his turn-ons are long walks and bubble baths,
and his turn-offs are big words and women with press-on nails.

>The Princess is very intelligent and relaxed.

CROW: Like anyone could be relaxed flying around the galaxy
with that motley crew.

>A diplomat maybe,
>she feels for the cause against the Empire more than any of them.
>There is something strange about her though.

TOM: [as Deanna] She has a third eye in the middle of her forehead.

>There's something of the
>same sort about Luke Skywalker, only much more. He may be a...I don't
>know."

MIKE: An I don't know? Good grief, woman, do you know what this means?!

>"Skywalker?" Puzzled Riker, "How did you know his name?"

TOM: [as Deanna] He was walking on the ceiling before you came in.

>"I don't know?"

MIKE: You tell us!

>Deanna looked at the Captain, who raised his eyebrows in
>response.

TOM: *Again* with the eyebrows!

> * * *
>"Lando! How you feeling ol' buddy?" Han hugged his friend. "Fine
>you old pirate." he said "The medicine here is great," he whispered
>indicating

MIKE: ... the vials of morhpine on his bedside table.

>Beverly Crusher. Han looked and nodded. "How are you
>Chewbacca?!" Lando asked. Chewie roared and shook Lando's hand
>with his huge paw. "General Calrissian," Beverly stepped in. "Lando,
>please." "You need your rest," she gave him a hypo of a sedative. He
>fell asleep.

TOM: No one will be seated during the gripping hypo spray scene!

>"Your friend is extremely lucky, he looks like he got
>shot with a laser blast of some sort."

CROW: Not exactly my idea of luck... bad luck, maybe....

>Han looked at him and back at
>the doctor, "The laserturret he was in took a direct hit. It was a
>pretty fierce fight." Crusher looked at Chewbacca, whose arm was
>bandaged. "Your arm is injured let me take..."

MIKE: [as Crusher] ... it off.

>Chewie growled and
>pushed her away. "HEY!" Han yelled at him. "Is that any way to treat
>a lady? Give her your arm!" He grabbed Chewie's arm and the doctor ran
>a medical tricorder over the cut. "Seems straightforward enough, even
>with your strange biology."

TOM: Suddenly she's Dr. McCoy.
CROW: [as McCoy] You seem normal, even with your green-blooded
Vulcan biology.

>She grabbed an instrument from the counter
>and ran it over his arm. Chewie tried futilely to pull his arm away,
>instead he looked away.

TOM: So he nearly kills Worf, but he can't get his arm away from
Dr. Crusher?
MIKE: He's a sucker for a redhead in a jumpsuit, I guess.
CROW: Good thing you're blond, then.

>"You big coward!" Han chided. "Thank you,
>Doctor. We should get started on the ships. Cmdr Data..." Han turned
>to the android and

MIKE: Smothered him with a passionate kiss!

>followed him off the ship.

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--
I always suspect an artist who is successful before he is dead.
--Edgar Degas
http://members.aol.com/rfothree/