MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 4/9
a.ca...@genie.com
>Chapter Six
>
> It was the twelfth day of the mediation over the tax problem in
>the Naklab system.
Tom [singing]: o/~ On the twelfth day of the mediation Marrissa gave to
meeeee... o/~
>Once again, the Sel Rahcs has broken out in an argument and Captain Marrissa
>Picard was loosing her patience.
Mike: After that gargantuan lunch you think she'd be "loosing" her belt.
>The argument increased in volume and Marrissa decided it was time to put
>here foot down. "QUIET!" she yelled.
> The Sel Rahcs shut up. "That's better," Marrissa said. "Now, I
>would have preferred to have conducted this in much nicer terms, but you
>have broken the last straw.
Crow: Huh? That's not how it goes!
Tom: Well, you know what they say, the greasy wheel fixes the sow's purse...
>If you do not come to agreement in the next 24 hour, during which time you
>will be confined to this room, I will leave you to fight among yourselves.
Mike: Uh, isn't that what they've been doing for the past ten years? What
kind of negotiation strategy is that?
>Admiral Okie can then do as he sees fit to you, and I don't think leaving
>you alone is on his list. If you can come up with a solution, I'll let you
>out, we will have lunch
Nine: "I'll scarf down another thirty pounds of pork and strawberries..."
>and sign the treaty. If not, well I depart for Essex in 48 hours and you
>better hope I remember to let you out before I leave.
Mike: Yeah, this is someone you want caring for a small child. When Bev and
Jean-Luc get back from their vacation their kids'll be wetting the bed and
throwing feces at people.
>The security officer will know how to reach me."
> Marrissa left the stunned Sel Rahc behind. Sel Rahc Ekeal
>attempted to follow. He ran into the door.
Crow: Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
>Outside the room, Marrissa turned to the security guard and told him,
>"Patterson, don't let them out, and if they agree on a solution, call me."
>The new ensign, fresh out of the Academy, but well known to Marrissa,
Tom: What does that mean?
Nine: Guess Marrissa likes to "break in" the new boys.
>nodded affirmative.
>
> Marrissa entered the bridge. Jay was in the center seat, he got
>up. "Anything new, Jay?" she asked.
Mike [rhapsodic]: "No. What has been is what will be, and what has been
done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there a
thing of which it is said, 'See, this is new'? It has already been, in
the ages before us."
Crow: Umm... okay.
> "Ross turned in his request for transfer," Jay said. "Captain
>Riker wants him on the Enterprise."
> "I knew this was coming," Marrissa responded. "I hate to lose him,
Tom: "--but if I don't have his undying and undivided loyalty, he'll have to
be... purged."
>but I don't intend to stand in his way. Replacing him will be hard though."
> "It gets worse," Jay added. "The transfer is effective before
>we get married."
> "Great, now who am I going to leave in command?" Marrissa asked.
Nine: I don't suppose there's any chance you could let go of your archaic,
militaristic social structure for a few hours and have the crew elect the
people they want to lead them...? no?
>"Most of my officers are ensigns, good ones but ensigns none the less."
> "There is Clara's number two," Jay suggested,
Mike: Let's not get scatological.
>jokingly
> "Shayna, Jay you may have found just the officer to fill all of
>our needs," Marrissa laughed.
Crow: "She slices, she dices, she whips and purees -- why didn't I think of
her sooner?"
>"Have Lieutenant Sachs report to my ready room, tomorrow morning."
> "Aye, Aye, Captain," Jay said. Marrissa gave him a look of
>distaste at the title. "I know, no ranks between us, but it takes some
>getting use to. What happened to the Naklab Mediation?
Nine [Marrissa]: "Naklab-- oh, that's right, the subplot!"
Tom: You call that a subplot? That's like calling a telephone directory an
epic poem.
>It's a little early for you to be done for the day
Crow [Marrissa]: "Yeah? Well it's a little early for a double martini too
but I've never let that stop me!"
>and by your looks I know you haven't concluded an agreement."
> "I locked them in until they come to their senses," Marrissa said.
>"Patterson should be calling me in about an hour and a half to tell me that
>they have an agreement."
Mike: If only all diplomatic disputes could be solved by calling a "time-out."
> "Marrissa!" Jay exclaimed. "Were did you get such a idea? It
>sounds like you are treating them like children."
> "I told them I'd treat them like they acted," Marrissa said.
Crow: Does that mean you'd treat Steven Seagal like a slab of firewood?
>"I'm a person of my word."
Mike: "--and that word is 'upholstery'!"
> "Ensign Supra to Captain Picard."
> "You are early, Patterson," Marrissa said. "Have they come up
>with an agreement already?"
> "Apparently so," Patterson Supra replied. "I've never heard
>such yelling in my life
Nine: "--except for maybe on that Courtney Love record..."
>but they've calmed down and are asking for you."
> "Thank you, Ensign, I'll be right down," Marrissa said.
>"Picard- out." As she moved toward the turbolift she muttered to
>herself, "I'm going to miss using that name."
Tom: What, is she considering getting one of those dopey symbols like Prince
has?
Mike: I think she means she's changing it to Tanya.
>
> The room was silent when Marrissa returned to the mediation
>table. "My security officer tells me you have come to an agreement,"
>Marrissa began. "Who wants to tell me it."
Crow: How can you not love Marrissa? Her impeccable demeanor, her prodigious
leadership skills, her rudimentary command of English...
> Sel Rahc Selaw rose. "My fellow Sel Rahcs have elected me to do
>so," he began. "We have decided to keep all extra-system taxes. For
>inside taxes,
Tom: From his clear mastery of the terminology I can see Ratliff has given
himself over to the exhaustive study of the seminal economics texts.
>we will be reducing the taxes on food stuffs to no more than 3 percent as
>determined by the planet's legislators. The taxes on consumer goods will be
>no more than 6 percent. Luxury items will be taxed at no more than 10
>percent. All non classed items will be taxed at no more than 7 percent.
Mike: No one will be seated during the gripping tax rates scene!
>However we still have one problem. We can not agree as to how the treaty
>will be implemented."
> "Are you willing to listen to my suggestions?" Marrissa asked. The
>Sel Rahcs indicated they were. "Well, the treaty can take effect when
>ratified by two planets and will only include those planets that ratify it.
Tom: But that just means that you'll be going through this process all over
again in a couple of weeks with the holdouts! What kind of solution is
that?
>Breaking the treaty will result in a 50 percent across the board tax,
>starting two weeks after the breakage and lasting until the break is
>repaired by
Mike: --duct tape.
>returning to treaty specs. Opinions? Today's order is by increasing
>distance from the Endeavor."
Tom: Geocentric? Heliocentric? No, it's a Marrissacentric universe!
> "We agreed to let you decide on it," Sel Rahc Akros said.
>"After all if you are a starship captain,
Mike: "--then naturally that qualifies you to draft sensitive legislation!"
>a Princess,
Crow: Great. I'm sure waving skills will come in handy in creating future
economic policy.
>and had the good taste to except that first officer of yours' marriage
>proposal,
Tom [Akros]: "He's quite a tasty dish!"
>we know your judgment is better than any one we are going to find.
Crow: What about Wapner?
>And I must admire your elegant solution to the implementation problem."
> "Then you all will agree to the said provisions and sign the
>treaty tomorrow morning?" Marrissa inquired. The Sel Rahcs indicated
>they were.
Mike: They conveyed their assent through interpretive dance.
>"Then I will see you tomorrow in Conference Room 5. If you will excuse me,
>I've got to see about some media coverage."
Nine: "I've got to get that videotape back from those people at Hard Copy!
'Marrissa's Wild Night Out' my ass!"
>
> Later that evening, Jay and Marrissa were relaxing in her
>quarters. "Another diplomatic triumph, Marrissa," Jay said. "For
>someone who hates diplomacy your record is definitely usual."
Tom: Yeah, an enormous body count, star systems ravaged beyond repair,
cultures wiped clean off the map... you know, the usual.
> "Maybe marriage will get them to stop calling on me," Marrissa
>said. "Diplomacy gives me headaches."
Crow: I know what you mean. I always get stuck with Austria-Hungary, and
Italy and Turkey keep teaming up to grab my supply centers.
> "Speaking of our upcoming wedding, I think their is one matter
>we might want to discuss," Jay said.
> "What would that be?" Marrissa inquired.
Nine [Jay]: "Well, uh, you know, I still haven't figured out where everything
=goes=, if you know what I mean..."
> "The matter of last names," Jay said. "I'd like you to keep
>yours, Marrissa."
> "Why?" Marrissa asked.
Mike [Jay]: "Cause, I know it worked for Cher and Madonna, but just plain
'Marrissa' sounds goofy!"
> "I've heard of the problems the Enterprise had when their were
>three Picards on board," Jay said. "I don't want to be the cause of it
>on the Endeavor.
Tom: Gotcha. The fewer Picards, the better. But, wait, then, doesn't that
mean...?
>Plus, I heard your comment about missing the name when you left the bridge
>yesterday.
Mike: How? What, has he got the turbolift bugged?
Crow: Oh, I think Marrissa's got the entire ship wired.
>In fact I suggest we let out
Crow: "--these pants. Once I'm married I'm gonna swell up like a balloon!"
>that we will be following Essex tradition on the matter."
> "I'm afraid I don't know Essex tradition as to married names,"
>Marrissa replied.
> "I'm surprised, you are usual quite well informed about Essex,"
>Jay responded.
Mike: Hell, she's usually omniscient, omnipotent and infallible.
> "I've never had the reason to look it up before," Marrissa said.
>"Now tell me what is the tradition?"
> "The more prestigious and wealth persons name is taken by the
>children
Tom: After all, as we all know, the rich are better than the rest of us.
>and both parents retain their name," Jay replied. "You can't deny that you
>are more respected and admired.
Mike: "Me, I've got as much cred as Rob and Fab!"
>Plus with that mansion on Essex, how can you not be more wealth than me?"
Crow: Oh, it's not all that impressive. It's on Foulness Island.
Tom: British topography humor. Yeah, that'll get 'em rolling in the aisles.
Crow: Shut up.
> "You do have a point," Marrissa said. "By the way, Victoria
>wants to give you a title. How does Duke of Churchill sound?"
Tom [Jay]: "I was thinking something along the lines of 'World's Greatest
Chef!'"
> "You know all those titles was one of the reasons I didn't
>propose to you earlier," Jay moaned.
>
Mike: Well, that and the fact that he hadn't reached puberty yet.
>Chapter Seven
>
> Captain Marrissa Amber Picard was looking at records when her
>ready room door rang. "Come," she ordered.
Crow: Practicing for the honeymoon, I see.
>Lieutenant Shayna Sachs entered the ready room. "Shayna, come sit down."
> "You wanted to see me, Captain," Shayna stated.
Mike [Marrissa]: "I did? Hunh! Learn something new every day."
> "No titles, how many times do I have to tell people," Marrissa
>commented.
> "OK, Marrissa, but if some officer complains about my lack of a
>proper show of respect to ranking officers," Shayna replied.
Nine: "--I'll probably get pulled out of my car and beaten!"
>"It's your problem."
> "Not entirely, Shayna," Marrissa said. "But that's not why I
>called you here."
> "May I ask why?" Shayna responded.
Mike [Marrissa]: "Sure, go ahead."
> "I have a problem I think you can help me solve," Marrissa said.
>"In a couple days, the entire senior staff with the exception of Doctor
>Jackson, and Counselor Sussex will be on 'Honeymoon leave' or in the
>case of our Chief of Security,
Nine: --up in his room masturbating.
Mike: Uh, Nine? We kind of have a policy around here...
>leaving us for the Enterprise. Would you like to take command until one of
>us gets back?"
> "Me? take command," Shayna said. "I've never been in command
>for more than a shift before."
Tom: "--and in that short time I managed to snuff out a couple of stars and
bring a sudden end to a hundred-million-year-old civilization!"
> "You have a 17 minute 59.999999999...." Marrissa began.
> "Enough with the nines," Shayna replied exasperated.
Nine: Come on, Shayna. Hit her.
Crow: One of these days Marrissa's going to go off about those Calamari Sushi
times and end up with a chopstick lodged in her temple.
> "... second Kobayashi Maru time," she finished. "Which no one
>in that painting over my sofa will let you forget.
Mike: You mean the dogs playing poker?
>You are also the senior most Lieutenant on board."
Crow: She's the most lieutenantest lieutenant of all! Whee!
> "You don't have to convince me to take command," Shayna replied.
> "Their is one other thing," Marrissa added.
Mike: Suddenly it's an episode of "Columbo".
> "What?"
> "I need some one to take Ross's place as Chief of Security. I'd
>like you to consider the possibility of transferring and taking that
>place. Don't answer now,
Tom: "--there's more! Call now and we'll throw in a bamboo steamer -- a
$29.95 value! Now how much would you pay?"
>tell me when I return."
> "Will you give me access to the security personnel and duty
>files so I may see what I'm considering getting into," Shayna inquired.
> "Of coarse, Shayna.
Mike: "And here's an inventory of their medicine cabinets!"
>I'll see you before I go down to Essex to get ready for my wedding,"
>Marrissa arranged. "Patterson, has volunteered to take command, so everyone
>else can attend the ceremony. You will relieve him after the wedding."
Crow: I think we'll all be relieved after the wedding. The story'll be over.
Tom: Are you sure?
Crow: Well, of course. I mean, you don't think Ratliff would include
extraneous... material... oh, no. Oh, no, no, no... [sobs]
> "Anything else, Marrissa?"
> "No, send Jay in here," Marrissa ordered returning to her work.
> Shayna exited the room and moments later Jay entered. "You
>asked for me Marrissa?" Jay inquired.
Nine [Marrissa]: "That was 5.6 whole seconds, Jay! Work on it."
> "Yes, Jay, I think I have the problem Lieutenant Lochard left us
>with solved," Marrissa said.
> "Don't tell me your leaving Shayna in Command," Jay exclaimed.
> "Yes, ... something wrong with that?" Marrissa replied.
Mike: Maybe the fact that you're leaving a flesh-and-blood member of Radford
University's CS Department in charge of a bunch of fictional characters?
>"You did recommend her."
> "I was joking," Jay replied.
> "Now just what made Shayna a jokable person
Nine: That's not a word!
Tom: It is now.
>to leave in command?" Marrissa asked. "After all she does have a 17 minute
>59.9..."
> Jay joined in "...9999999999999999 second Kobayashi Maru time."
Tom: It's Jay Gordon, Starfleet's answer to Waylon Smithers.
> "Why wouldn't you leave her in command?" Marrissa continued.
> "She is undisciplined, unorthodoxed, and a relentless
>practical joker," Jay said.
> "Sounds like the prefect Security chief," Marrissa responded.
Crow [Marrissa]: "And while we're at it, let's get Bob Denver for first mate!"
> "Marrissa, you have the oddest sense of humor in the fleet," Jay
>replied.
Mike: "Except for maybe Ensign Carrot Top."
> "Something wrong with that?" Marrissa inquired, sweetly.
Tom: --as she sweetly set her phaser to "kill."
> "Actually, no, not on this ship, known far and wide for its
>oddities," Jay said.
Crow: Oh, so =they're= the ones who created "The Head".
>"In fact your sense of humor has just been added to the list of qualities
>I'm marrying you for."
> "I want to see this list," Marrissa said, kissing her first
>officer.
Nine: I take it that she's already kissed many of the enlisted men?
> "Sorry, that information is classified under time release, Mara"
>Jay said and shut her up with a long, deep, and romantic kiss.
Tom: I certainly endorse the ends, but the means seem rather extreme.
>
> The next morning Marrissa was woken up by a call from the
>bridge. "Marrissa here, what do you want?"
> "Sorry to wake you, Captain, but we have an incoming priority
>one message," Alexander's voice said.
Nine [Marrissa]: "Tough! At this hour of the morning the only thing that
gets a priority one is coffee!"
> "Route it down here," Marrissa ordered, getting up from her bed and
>pushing her long blond hair back into a hasty ponytail. "Display message."
> Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard appeared on screen and said,
>"Sorry to wake you Captain,
Crow: "Captain"? What, like they've never met? She's his daughter!
Mike: Ah, but you're forgetting. In the 22nd century they banned any display
of family affection or emotion or even informality. "A Date With Your
Family" was shown over and over again at the public schools. The culture
never fully recovered.
>but I must inform you that a inspection will be performed by myself when
>you arrive at Essex. Be ready, Fleet Admiral out."
> "Great, he wakes me at 0421 hours just to inform me that he will
>insect us
Tom: Actually, he's already starting to =bug= me! Ha!
>as soon as we arrive at Essex," Marrissa muttered. "Does he think my room
>is so messy that I need 12 hours to clean it." She looked around her room
>and had to admit that it was rather messy.
Nine: She might need to spend a couple of hours just figuring out how to get
the bra untangled from the ceiling fan.
>She and Jay hadn't been thinking of neatness during last night's nightcap.
Crow: Oh, ick.
>Oh well, what's the point of being a Captain if you can't have some one
>straiten up your room.
Nine: "I'll just order someone over from the USS Guatemala!"
>
> Around 1630 hours the USS Endeavor pulled into Essex orbit. The
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E and the Papal vessel Trinity where already there.
>"Looks like Pope Gregory, happened to be in the neighborhood again,"
>Marrissa commented. "He doesn't miss a chance to do anything, does he?"
Crow: Especially altar boys.
Nine: Yowtch! That was very dark. I admire that.
> "Old Gregory? If he could he'd probably be out converting
>Cardassians," Jay replied.
> "I hate to tell you be he's done that," Marrissa said. "And
>Romulans, and Bajorans. You name it and he'll convert it."
Mike: "He'd even convert Jews if I hadn't wiped them all out in my last
pogrom!"
> "I thought that was a job for is underlings," Jay replied.
> "Not according to the Pope," Marrissa replied. "He says that
>he intends to lead by example."
Nine: Next week he's setting up an auto-da-fe on Risa.
> "Incoming hail from the Enterprise,"
Tom: "--expected to turn to sleet by late afternoon!"
>Lieutenant Ross Lochard announced.
> "On screen," Marrissa commanded.
> Captain William T. Riker of the Starship Enterprise appeared on
>the main viewscreen. His beard was beginning to gray and his hair
>already had some white streaks in it.
Mike: Captain William T. Riker is eleven years old.
Tom: "Have you played Tron? It's totally awesome!"
>"Captain Picard, I hope you are ready for inspection," he said.
Crow: "Assume the position! Full body cavity search!"
>"The Admiral is in a picky mood today."
> "Not as picky as I'm going to be about the uniform he is going to
>be giving me away in," Marrissa said.
Mike: "We're overstocked! All Marrissas must go! Prices so low we're
practically giving them away!"
>"He better be careful, or I'll arrange for more heavy orders. That is if
>the order of the Defenders of the Klingon Empire Medal isn't heavy enough."
> "You mean the bronze medal in the shape of the Klingon Insignia
>about 4 inches across," Riker responded.
> "You don't need to describe it, I have one myself," Marrissa said.
Crow: Big deal! I've got two! And I got them when I was five!
Tom: Hey, Crow, calm down there, buddy.
Crow: Sorry. It's just that the characters all talk alike and I'm starting
to pick up their speech patterns.
>"That's what I get for being close to Kronos when Gowron died."
> "I heard about it," Riker replied. "Tell me did Korlas ever get
>over the scare you gave him when you pinned him to the wall by throwing
>two daggers?"
Nine: "Oh! And what about the time you got those loaves and fishes to feed
five thousand people? Man, that was something!"
> "As far as I know, no," Marrissa thought. "Last I heard he was
>still afraid to leave his house."
> "Well, it is a little frightening to be pinned to a wall outside
>ones house for how long was it?" Riker asked.
Tom: How did he hear that if all she did was think it?
> "32 hours," Marrissa said. "He really shouldn't have launched
>his own dagger into one of my friends."
Mike: I agree wholeheartedly. He should've launched it into her.
Tom: Y'know, I'm really looking forward to a Marrissa/Grignr crossover.
> "Well the Fleet Admiral is signaling his impatience
Crow: I've been signaling my impatience for a while now. Only takes one
finger!
>so I'll see you in about five minutes in your transporter room," Riker
>concluded. "Enterprise out."
> "Jay, Alex, Ross, my dad would like to see us in transporter
>room two," Marrissa said.
Tom: Really? I'd rather see them all in a mass grave.
>"Kathy, you have the bridge, see that Clara, Martin, and Doctor Johnson
>meet us in the transporter room."
>
> When Marrissa, Jay, Alexander, and Lieutenant Ross Lochard
>entered the transporter room, Clara, Counselor Martin Sussex, and Doctor
>Jackson Johnson were already standing before the control console.
Crow: --playing Zoop.
Tom: Zoop! Zoop!
>Behind the console stood Lieutenant Shayna Sachs. "The Admiral is
>signaling that he is ready to beam aboard with his party of five,"
>Shayna informed Marrissa.
Crow: Cool! I can't get enough of that Love Hewitt.
> "Beam them aboard, Shayna," Marrissa ordered.
> Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Captain Beverly Picard, their
>children Jackie and Nicholas, and Captain William T. Riker materialized
>on the platform. "Permission to come aboard, Captain?" Jean-Luc Picard
>asked.
Nine: Uh, aren't they sort of already there?
> "Granted, Dad," Marrissa replied.
> "Will you ever stop being so informal?" Jean-Luc asked.
> "Hey, I'm on a first name basis with most of my crew," Marrissa
>said. "That's why we have a 120 efficiency rating.
Tom: "Plus we use every part of the buffalo!"
>Speaking of my crew, I believe introductions are in order. This is my first
>officer, Commander Jay Gordon." Jay nodded. "My Second Officer and Chief
>Engineer, Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter." Clara smiled. "My Chief
>of Security, for the next 5 hours, Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard.
Nine: "After that he'll have a little minor surgery and be known as
'Rossina'."
>I'm not happy about you stealing him, Captain Riker."
> "Then blame your father for giving Geordi a ship," Captain Riker
>said.
Mike [Marrissa]: "Well, of course! I'm a teenager! I blame my parents for
everything!"
>"Worf was my best choice for First Officer and you can't be that
>and Chief of Security. So I had to find someone."
> "Well you won't be getting anymore of my officers for a while,"
>Marrissa said.
Tom: "I've loaded them up with exploding dye cartridges!"
>Then continuing with the introductions she introduced, "My Chief Medical
>Officer, Doctor Jackson Johnson."
> "I've heard good things about you, Doctor," Captain Beverly
>Picard said.
Mike [Johnson]: "Thanks. I'd prefer it if you'd heard good things =from=
me, but Ratliff didn't give me any lines."
> "Oh, no, you are not stealing any of my officers either,"
>Marrissa responded. "I already have the ship with the lowest average
>rank in Starfleet. I don't need to lose anyone else."
Tom: Free agency really does cripple the smaller-market teams.
> "I take it you would like a little reprieve from all of the
>raiding other Captains have been doing to your crew," Jean-Luc Picard
>responded. "I've seen too many transfers from your ship in recent
>months,
Crow: Well, think about it! If you were stuck on Marrissa's ship wouldn't
you jump on the first garbage stow to come within ten light-years?
>I'll let it be known that further transfers will have to go though me,
Mike: "It'll be just like on American Gladiators!"
>and I'm not exactly easy to contact."
> "Thank you," Marrissa replied. "Now on to the rest of my
>introductions.
Tom: Jesus! Stanislaw Lem didn't write this many introductions!
>This my Ship's Counselor, Martin Sussex. Next is my Chief of Operations,
>Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko. And finally behind the console is Lieutenant
>Shayna Sachs, who will be taking command while the rest of my command crew
>is enjoying their honeymoons."
Crow: We know! We know!
Mike: Ratliff seems to think ellipsis is something you get from Revlon.
> "Well I guess it's inspection time," Jean-Luc Picard said. He
>turned to his children who where dressed in white jumpsuits and said,
>"Go play Hide-an-Seek in the Jefferies tubes near Main Engineering."
Nine: "Better yet, go play in the torpedo tube."
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 5]