MiST on the Ghost Planet: "Darkwing Duck meets the BACKSTREET BOYS" (3/4)
Jen White6
go off on the stage, so all we can see is the window to the outside.
Various bits of debris are flying around - giant inflatable cats, rubber
dog heads, huge safety pins, papier mache covered basketballs, The Phantom
cruiser, and other items identifiable only by those who are quick with the
freeze-frame button.]
[A red glow appears from stage right. We hear Moltar's heavy footsteps.
What appears to be a giant firefly hovering at head height comes into
frame.]
Moltar: You guys still here?
Ghost: [muffled] Yes. [The silhouette of his head appears from behind
the silhouette of his desk.]
Tansit: The power cut off just as the story was getting good!
Zorak: I'll never live *that* long.
[We see the light of a destructo ray go in Zorak's general direction.]
Zorak: Missed me! Nyaah nyaah!
Ghost: Moltar, get the power back on.
Moltar: Yeah, okay.
[The glow starts to move offstage to the tune of Moltar's footsteps.]
Ghost: And leave the flashlight here! I... uh, need it.
Moltar: I don't have a flashlight. I took my helmet off.
Tansit: I thought it was getting warm in here. [as Moltar walks
offstage] Couldja get the story back? I had it bookmarked.
Moltar: Okay.
[Moltar's glow and heavy footsteps fade, leaving them alone in the dark
with the sound of the storm. The giant cat goes by the window again.]
Zorak: ...Listen to the wind...
Tansit: Think we oughtta go to the basement?
Ghost: That's, uh, only if you see a house blowing around.
Tansit: Oh.
Zorak: Want me to make a campfire?
Ghost: No.
Zorak: I got all this paper.
Ghost: Those are our *scripts.*
Tansit: Do I have any lines?
[Uncomfortable pause. Then the lights come back on.]
Ghost: Allrighty!
Tansit: I didn't get any copies, so I couldn't check.
Ghost: No time for that! Look, the story's starting again.
[All look at a staticky screen. And continue looking...]
Ghost: Any minute now...
[More waiting. After half a minute the screen clears and the story begins
scrolling.]
> Darkwing Duck meets the BACKSTREET BOYS
> by Andrea Avalos
>
Tansit: Moltar, we already read this part. Wouldja fast-forward it?
Moltar: 'Kay.
[The text scrolls much too fast to read. Tansit reads it as it scrolls.]
Tansit: Stop! This is it!
> "And now my loyal followers, STRETCH!
Tansit: Yes, Mr. Armstrong!
> Stretch and flex like a
> forest of reeds!"
Tansit: Do reeds stretch?
Ghost: If they're part rubber plant, I guess.
> Lord of the Pants commanded his army of eager dancers.
Ghost: Corny Collins IS The Lord of The Pants.
> He stood upon a raised platform in an old warehouse and watched as
> hundreds of lean and flexible performers flung themselves into positions
> that gave the average person cramps from just watching the scene.
Tansit: [singing] God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it, please, God, I
need this job!
> The Lord of the Pants leaped to and fro excitedly. His army of
> dancers were almost ready for their first performance of evil.
Zorak: They're gonna force unsuspecting schmucks to watch "CATS"!
> It was
> really surprising how many disgruntled and disillusioned dancers there
> were in St. Canard.
Tansit: I don't see why. I mean, the city's got a couple dozen mutants
and a bunch of villains. Why not dancers?
> Not long after the stretching routine the sound of hundreds of
> dance shoes clattering musically together caused the filthy warehouse
> windows vibrate violently.
Ghost: I know this is supposed to be ominous. Isn't it?
> The Lord of the Pants was elated by the
> deadly beauty of their performance.
Zorak: What are they, ninja dancers?
Tansit: [falsetto] Ranma no baka!
> When the dance number came to an
> end, he stood on the platform with his arms stretched out and his bare,
> sweaty chest heaving.
Zorak: Somebody get a mop.
> "My followers," he announced when he finally caught his breath,
> "tonight marks the end of the beginning of a new power in St. Canard.
Ghost: [Lord of The Pants] And the beginning of the end of my career!
> No
> longer will we be scoffed to shame." A knock at the warehouse door
> interrupted his speech.
Zorak: Candygram. Landshark.
> Annoyed, he turned and screeched
Tansit: Down the road in a cloud of dust.
> to the
> newcomers who were entering the warehouse. "Go away! The positions have
> been filled!"
Tansit: Every evil villain needs understudies.
> "Sorry, but we're not here to audition." Darkwing led the small
> group towards the angry Lord of the Pants. "Are you aware that you've
> broken several laws and created a public hazard with your fliers?"
Tansit: [Darkwing] And you've misspelled "YOUR". That should be
"YOU'RE". Contraction, not possessive, see? Plus, it's nearly impossible
to read black print on red paper!
> The
> Lord of the Pants looked incredulous.
Ghost: Oh, I don't know if I'd go *that* far. Handsome, yes, but not
*incredulous*.
> "Sir, your interruption of my important work here over such a
> piddly complaint has just cost you and your ridiculously dressed group
> your lives!"
Tansit: I know I've seen this guy on the Usenet.
> The Lord of the Pants stood up straight and crossed his
> arms, waiting for the inevitable begging.
Zorak: Please put on a shirt awreddy! You're making me sick!
> It would not do any good for
> them because whatever they offered him would not convince him to change
> his mind.
Ghost: What if they offered him a brand new brain? Or at least a piece
of their minds? Ha ha!
> A good way to let the world know you were serious was to be
> tough from the start.
Tansit: This is like tough love, only without the love.
> "Our lives, huh," Darkwing said patronizingly before turning to the
> five would-be superheroes behind him.
Zorak: Oh, yeah. Cop an attitude and turn your back on the villain.
This is gonna be one short story!
> "Lesson number one: some people
> will do anything to avoid paying the littering fine, like empty death
> threats as this guy just demonstrated for us."
Zorak: [Darkwing] And then opening fire with machine guns, as -
AAAAAGH!
> "I don't know, DW," Brian glanced at the dancers behind the Lord of
> the Pants. "They don't look like they're kidding."
Tansit: They look like they're posing for the "A Chorus Line" poster.
> "Tut-tut, what did we discuss before we got here?" Darkwing said
> patiently.
Tansit: [Brian] Yes, but I DID go beforehand!
> "Darkwing Duck is the real crimefighter," the Backstreet Boys
> recited in a weary monotone.
Ghost: Why can't my flunkies be that well trained?
Zorak: Because there's only one Brak.
> Darkwing nodded approvingly and turned back
> to the waiting Lord of the Pants.
Tansit: [Darkwing] Now would you demonstrate some pointless ranting for
my students? There's a five in it for you.
> "We'll just see what the law will have to say about this you
> ludicrous loony!"
Ghost: Whoops, look like Darkwing's already got the ranting part
covered.
> "I see where this is going,"
Ghost: [Lord of The Pants] And that's why I'm leaving now.
> the Lord of the Pants addressed his
> followers.
Tansit: And putted them for an easy birdie.
> "All right my loyal followers, it looks like we have one more
> routine to practice. A routine that will finally initiate us into the
> large club known as dangerous felons. We shall take our first step into
> a much larger world- the underworld of crime! Kill them!"
Ghost: Darkwing coulda clobbered them three times over during that
speech!
Tansit: Nah. He always makes long speeches like that, and the villains
usually wait for him. I think they have an agreement or something.
> Darkwing and the Backstreet Boys stood fascinated while the dancers
> advanced on them as a flurry of tapping feet and waving arms.
[Tansit begins humming "The Can-Can"]
> Darkwing
> drew his gas gun and fired several times into the crowd. He was amazed
> at how the itching powder seemed to have no effect on them. The dancers'
> unity remained unbroken.
Ghost: Well, actually they were scratching in time, but they were still
unified.
> "Where is that bagpipe music coming from?" Kevin yelled.
> "What do we do now, DW?" Nick asked.
Zorak: Kill the bagpipe player!
> "We fight! Hiiiyooohaaaa!"
Tansit: It's Ned Flanders, Ninja! Hiii-diddly-yooohaaaa!
> Darkwing backflipped, knocking a dancer
> on his back. The hapless henchman was immediately trampled as several
> dancers tried to take his place in front.
Zorak: That's what ya get when ya don't train your henchmen right.
> The dancer who managed to take
> the position stood upon his hands,
Tansit: And did the Can-Can upside-down.
> and moving his legs at lightning
> speed, kicked Darkwing several times in the face.
Zorak: He's got a big enough beak, the whole chorus line could kick him
at once.
> Kevin caught him as he
> fell back, dazed.
Ghost: He was already on the floor. How much further could he possibly
fall?
> With feet still tapping out their hypnotic patterns,
> the deadly dancers surrounded the little group.
Zorak: When "Stomp" goes postal.
> "There's just too many of them," Brian scratched his head, not
> seeming to be worried by the situation.
Zorak: [Brian] Here's the plan. We leave the duck here, get out while
they're stomping him into the ground, and grab a burger. Got that?
> "Oh, this is just too obvious," Howie was obviously disgusted, "the
> only way to beat these chumps is to fight fire with fire!
Tansit: Somebody get Moltar.
> Everyone do
> exactly what I do." Howie put his hands on his hips and began a slow,
> repetitive pattern.
Ghost: [chanting] It is just a jump to the left...
> The other Backstreet Boys caught on to his plan and
> lined up on either side of him. Even Launchpad joined in.
Tansit: He'd taken those Macarena lessons, and he was darned if he wasn't
going to use 'em!
> Row by row, the dancers stumbled to standstill as they watched the
> scene before them.
Ghost: [chanting] You are getting very sleepy ... one two three ... you
are in my complete control ... step, slide-step...
> "What are you doing?! Don't stop!" the Lord of the Pants screamed
> from the platform.
Zorak: [Lord of The Pants] I *LOVE* line dancing!
> "Yeehaw," Launchpad crowed.
Ghost: The duck crowed at midnight.
> The dancers stood around, their eyes
> blank and emotionless.
Zorak: They had fallen victim to the Dance of The Damned.
> "LINEDANCING?!" the Lord of Pants shrieked. Darkwing was already
> regaining consciousness, he wondered if the little man would burst an
> artery. "My disciplined, loyal, followers have been taken in by
> LINEDANCING?"
Zorak: Oh, fer cripes sake. Like ANYONE would fall for that?!
Tansit: You'd think that the least they could do is some Dance-Fu or
something.
> "Keep dancing," Darkwing ordered as he got to his feet. "I'll use
> my glue cartridges to immobilize them." Darkwing made sure to keep his
> eyes averted from the steady movement of the linedance in progress.
Ghost: [Darkwing] it's like an IMAX of "Achy Breaky Heart!"
> "You are not going to do any such thing, you glam ham!
Tansit: [Lord of The Pants] You are going to march yourself home *this
minute* and do the dishes!
> I'll fight
> you myself," the Lord of the Pants stepped down from the platform and
> walked through the rows of spaced out dancers. Darkwing went to meet him
> head-on.
Zorak: Yeah, a head-butt from a three-foot-tall duck's really gonna
hurt.
> "Suck glue, you pretentious performer of peril!"
Ghost: Ahem. Children, do not follow the examples of the characters in
this story.
Zorak: Yeah, that line dancing's some nasty stuff, all right!
> The cartridge
> arced gracefully and hit the Lord of the Pants squarely in the chest.
> Yellow glue burst outward, coating the floor and surrounding dancers.
> The Lord of the Pants himself was coated from head to foot.
Ghost: He was prepared for the rough St. Canard winter coming up.
> As he
> struggled, Darkwing fired several more cartridges of glue into the
> surrounding crowd of dazed dancers. "I'm finished!" Darkwing announced
> to the Backstreet Boys and Launchpad. They stopped linedancing and wiped
> the sweat off of their faces.
Ghost: Or each other's faces.
Zorak: Where did *that* come from?
Ghost: I have no idea.
> "Never underestimate the power of the country linedancer," Howie
> panted.
Ghost: Now *there's* a line that'll go down in history.
Zorak: Yeah. Right next to "Are you getting enough oxygen."
> One by one the dancers shook themselves out of their stupor and
> struggled against the quick-drying zany glue.
Tansit: And I thought chewing gum on my shoe was bad.
> "We did it!" Nick cheered.
Zorak: Yeah. Whoopee. They used line dancing in a way it was never
meant for.
Ghost: What are you talking about? They used it for good!
Zorak: Like I said.
> "Hyep, yep, yep. Once again Darkwing Duck diminishes the forces of
> darkness by dancing on the side of justice!" Darkwing strutted back to
> the group, tiptoeing around the puddles of zany glue.
Tansit: Doing ballet steps. He really gets into the spirit of things,
Y'know.
> "Shall we call the police now?" Brian asked Darkwing.
Tansit: After all, spreading glue all over the place's gotta be illegal.
> "Don't bother calling the police," the Lord of the pants shouted as
> he leaped into the center of the group.
Ghost: [Lord of The Pants] I'll arrest myself!
> Bits of dried glue flakes were
> hanging from his few remaining chest hairs and his leather pants.
Zorak: That *is* quick-drying glue.
> "How did you escape?" Darkwing demanded.
Tansit: He carries a bottle of vinegar with him wherever he goes, just in
case.
> "Didn't you know? These handsewn leather pants by Mold Spice are
> stain resistant. Zany glue stains leather, thus, these pants are
> resistant to zany glue.
Tansit: [Darkwing] Ooooo-kayfine.
> As for my chest hairs, I've been meaning to
> shave..."
All: Uuuugh.
> "You might as well surrender peacefully," Nick told him.
Ghost: [Lord of The Pants] I might. but I won't.
> "Darn it! I've been meaning to wreak my revenge, and that's what
> I'm going to do," the Lord of the Pants stomped his foot to show that he
> meant what he said.
Tansit: And he said what he meant. Mike Nelson is faithful, one hundred
per cent.
> "No flash-in- the-pan boy toy group and their pet
> clown is going to stand in my way!"
Zorak: [Lord of The Pants] Not while I have my handy steamroller!
> "Flash-in-the-pan?!" the Backstreet Boys yelled.
Tansit: Someone's cooking too hot.
> "Pet clown?" Darkwing spat.
Zorak: No. Don't pet clown. Don't *touch* clown. Just back away
slowly from clown.
> "Hey, DW, can we take out this pasty little loser?" Kevin asked.
Tansit: [Kevin] I know this great little Italian place...
> "Well, I don't see why not," Darkwing reluctantly agreed. "I'll
> keep an eye on his immovable dance army." Darkwing karate-chopped a
> dancer that had been attempting to tiptoe away during the dialogue.
Ghost: I hear ducks are strong enough to break a man's arm just by
flapping their wings.
> "Lets get..." Nick began.
> "Physical!" Brian cracked.
> "That was just wrong, Brian, WRONG," Howie slapped Brian.
Tansit: Hey! WE'RE supposed to be saying stuff like that!
> "Do that again, Punk, and I'll-"
> "You're the punk," Howie mumbled.
Ghost: Who the punk?
Zorak: You the punk.
Ghost: No, you the punk.
Zorak: No, YOU the punk.
> "WHAT?"
All: Third base.
> "Let's get it going ON ALREADY!" Nick yelled. The five boys began
> to sing and the warehouse was filled with extremely obnoxious music.
Zorak: So THAT'S where they store all of the "'80's Dance Mix" CDs.
> "Hey, how'd you do that? I thought only I could do that..." the
> Lord of the Pants asked.
Tansit: Bigby's Obnoxious Music, level 5.
> That's when the dancing started.
> Everybody groove to the music, everybody jam
Ghost: [Ash] Gah-roovy.
> We've been waiting so long, just can't hold back no more
> Creeping up and down now it's time for me to let it go.
Zorak: So get outta the bathroom already!
> Darkwing watched as the small Lord of the Pants was thrown by the
> group across the warehouse, punched, kicked, and most insultingly danced
> upon.
Zorak: What, they need music to clobber people to? In my day we had to
HUM when we beat the crap outta each other, and we LIKED it!
> However, the song was contagious, and Darkwing found himself
> dancing as well.
Ghost: As well as a duck *can* dance, with those big paddle feet.
> The glued down dance army was tapping every free set of
> toes it could.
Tansit: For maple syrup.
> The dancers who managed to free themselves didn't try to
> escape, but joined the Backstreet Boys in their dance, a dance as
> hypnotic as the linedance.
Tansit: The Electric Slide!
> -get up on this just to get right
> What you want is what you won't get
Zorak: Thanks for nothin'.
> Backstreet's got the special effects
Ghost: Such as music that comes out of nowhere.
> If you really want want to see what we can do for you ah-
Ghost: Then please take a moment to look at our resume.
> The Lord of the Pants fell, exhausted and thoroughly beaten, at
> Darkwing's feet. The music slowed down.
Tansit: Someone plug the record player back in.
> We've been waiting so long, just can't hold back no more
Zorak: So get OUTTA THE BATHROOM!
> Creeping up and down now it's time for me to let it go It's time for
> me to let it...GO
Zorak: Never mind, just gimme a towel.
> Everybody groove to the music, everybody jam
> Everybody groove to the music, everybody jam
Tansit: It's always everybody jam yesterday and everybody jam tomorrow,
but never everybody jam today.
> Ya mon cause Backstreet's got it
Zorak: Ya mon, and we sell it on street corners.
> Come on now everybody
> We've got going on for you.
Tansit: Um... what's this song talking about again?
> Ya mon cause Backstreet's got it
Ghost: Then go to a doctor for it.
> Come on now everybody
> We've got going on for you.
> We've got going on!
Tansit: [Phil Collins] On and on, on and on...
> The entire army of dancers applauded wildly while the Backstreet
> Boys bowed.
Zorak: Whoopee. A song about how great a band is. Ya-ha, how original.
so sez Jen "Call me MiSTer!" White.