[MiSTing] Second Abraham Lincoln Brigade [ERA: Mike] [RANT]
McDLT
organization the Conspiracy Nation News Service, the same
ones who revealed the untimely death of Clinton and his
replacement with a KGB clone. Once more into the void,
dear readers.
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[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater, and move to their proper
seats. Mike screws Toms head back on his body.]
Tom: Thanks, Mike.
Mike: No problem. Thanks for the loaning of it.
Crow: Hush, you two, I think it's starting. Let's see what
Pearl was cackling about.
>ESCAPE TO SERBIA
Mike: Plus: no bad movies and posts. Minus: American bombing
missions. Hmm, suddenly I like my lot in life.
>================
>
>(CNNS, 03/16/99)
Crow: Oh great, Brian Redman is still up to his old tricks?
Tom: Shh, this could actually be funny...
> -- The austere nation of Finland,
Mike: Has nothing to do with this post, so let us move on.
> it now
>appears, does not seek immigrants.
Tom: Last time they let in immigrants, they filmed Jack Frost.
> So where in the wide world
>can one escape to,
Crow: Where they will not feel the Agony of Defeat!
Mike: Ouch, don't remind me of THAT temp job.
Tom: Wait, the ski jump guy is...HAHA!
> should they wish to flee from the increasingly
>repressive USA?
All: Run away, RUN AWAY!
>
>There is still a nation of heroes
[All begins whistling Hogan's Heroes theme]
> who would likely welcome your
>help: the nation of
Crow: Canada.
Mike: France.
Tom: Togo.
> Serbia.
Crow: Ohhhh...HUH!
>
>In the 1930s,
Tom: Who else has a sudden feel of foreboding.
Mike: No, I would call it more depression than foreboding, hehe.
Crow: Ok, now let's all move on from that "joke."
> many Americans joined the Abraham Lincoln Brigade
>and went to Spain to volunteer as fighters against the fascist
>regime of General Franco.
Mike: Well, yes, and others joined the TVA and built dams.
What's your point?
Tom: I think Brian is trying to disguise that he has none.
> Now, a new fascist NATO regime
>threatens the good people of Serbia.
Crow: I would love to see Redman's reaction if we went after
Castro...
> It is time to form a new
>Abraham Lincoln Brigade, escape to Serbia, and help our
>freedom-loving Serb brothers.
Tom: And then plant flowers on every roadside.
Mike: Give everyone on earth a puppy.
Crow: Move Venus into an earth orbit so it can be reborn as a
new earth!
>
>That the Serb people must be basically good is obvious from the
>fact that they are being demonized by the American mass media.
Crow: Does that mean that Tim McVeigh, Charles Manson, and the
Menedez Brothers are basically good?
>It is a known fact and constantly restated that, "If the
>mainstream press doesn't like you, then you must be doing
>something right."
Mike: Stated by...?
Tom: Would that go right up there with "Sure you can believe
everything you read online"?
>
>You say you're angry as Hell at the U.S. government?
Tom: I'm mad as hell at people stealing lines from Network,
and I'm not going to take it anymore!
> What better
>way to vex the Washington, DC, Lords than to put a thousand or
>more U.S. males into Serbia as a potent symbol of defiance?
Crow: Yes, to strike a fully potent symbol against the current
crooked actions led by Clinton.
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, insert your own Clinton joke here.
>
>S.O.S.
Crow: BRILLO!
> Serbia... S.O.S. Serbia...
Mike: Tastes great!
Tom: Less filling!
Mike: Serbia!
Tom: S.O.S.!
Crow: BRILLO!
> Conspiracy Nation calling.
Mike: Damn obscene phone calls!
>Wish to organize new Abraham Lincoln Brigade and plant ourselves
Tom: In a fresh pot of sod.
Crow: So then they will be well planted in CNNS newsfeeds?
Tom: No, those work better as fertilizer.
>symbolically and actually in your country, where we, by our mere
>presence, will help halt the NATO threat against your
>sovereignty.
Mike: 100 men with poor publication will stop all of this. And
then the skies will open up and rain lollipops.
Tom: Wow, you're rather sarcastic tonight.
> Contact Brian Redman at big...@shout.net for
>advice/assistance.
Crow: Flames/core dumps/viruses/spam/chain mailings...
>
>Readers interested in joining Abraham Lincoln Brigade II and
>travelling to Serbia, contact Conspiracy Nation at
>big...@shout.net
Mike: And then contact a registered member of the American
Psychiatric Association.
>
>--
>CNNS (Conspiracy Nation News Service) is an INDEPENDENT news
>outlet,
Tom: Insidious, never desisting, ever pandering, ever
nauseating, damnably evil news twisters?
Mike: Good one!
> not owned by anyone. (But of course, we would say that,
>wouldn't we?)
Crow: Yes, I'm sure in your vain attempts of humor you probably
would...*sigh*
> BEWARE THE CFR! BEWARE THE CIA! BEWARE THE KNIGHTS!
All: Who say NI!
>http://www.shout.net/~bigred/cn.html
>http://www.shout.net/~bigred/cnns.html
>
>
>
Mike: OK, let's get out of here.
[They walk out, but find the door locked.]
Crow: What the?
[The feed starts up again. All groan, and find their seats again]
>
>SECOND ABRAHAM LINCOLN BRIGADE FORMING
Tom: If you hear a whirring, it is the Great Emancipator
spinning in his grave.
>======================================
>
>(CNNS, 03/16/99) -- The response to the previous CNNS article,
Mike: Has taken up two kilobytes of space in my mailbox.
>"Escape to Serbia," has been positive.
Tom: AMAZING, since these releases were both dated the SAME
DAY!
Crow: Are you suggesting some kind of conspiracy and cover-up
on the part of the CNNS?
> One reader writes, in
>part,
Mike: Specifically, he will write in the style of Ophelia.
> as follows:
>
> Brian, if you get this off the ground, let me know.
[All begin to talk at once]
Tom: So that I know hell has frozen.
Crow: So I can laugh at you.
Mike: Well, someone won't be hearing back from Brian.
> Your
> idea could work.
Crow: All it needs is a few ballet-dancing monkeys, and...
> You need to figure out the logistics
> though.
Tom: That is putting it mildly...
> I hope it works.
Mike: I've got $50 bucks riding on you, and my friend has given
me 99 to 1 odds.
>
>In the 1930s, American volunteers formed the Abraham Lincoln
>Brigade and went to Spain to combat Franco's fascism.
Tom: Oh great, reruns...
Crow: So then our political hero is now Hemmingway?
Mike: [Quietly, to himself] Aikman, Stranger in a Strange Land,
Dylon, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion...
> The Second
>Abraham Lincoln Brigade (2AL) will consist of non-combatant
>American citizens,
Tom: All talking in freaky double-justification.
> willing to put themselves in harm's way to
>prevent the planned NATO bloodlust against the sovereign Serbian
>nation.
Crow: And probably get blown away without anyone knowing they
were there.
Mike: Wow. That was...dark!
Crow: I've been practicing.
>
>As detailed in an excellent article by Stella Jatras
Mike: [He carefully unzips his coveralls, then spreads apart the
two halves as though tearing them open] STELLAAAAAAA!
> of World Net
>Daily ("Odd Alliance at State, CNN?"), the USA "News" propaganda
>machine has been saturating the American mind with anti-Serb
>advertisements.
Crow: Since people should be allowed to victimize large parts of
their population at their own whim without us butting our
pretentious heads in. Is that the message?
> This has been a typical USA "phase one"
>operation, preparatory to planned NATO mass murder.
>
>Serbia is a sovereign nation.
Mike: So was Spain.
Tom: Please, Mike, just let the double standards pass,
> The U.S. Congress has not declared
>war on Serbia.
Crow: But we have declared a war on low prices here at Mitch's
Army-Navy surplus! Try us for ALL your 2AL needs!
> Yet the post-U.N. hegemonic NATO is arrogantly
>about to intrude on Serb sovereignty.
Mike: And without KNOCKING!
> The Second Abraham Lincoln
>Brigade (2AL) is a cause behind which both the "left" and the
>"right" can unite.
Tom: And to hell with that darned pesky "middle."
> For the "left," the rationale is to help stop
>World War III by wetting-down the Serbian tinder-box.
Crow: Anyone else think that sounds a little dirty?
Mike: Actually, yeah, kind of.
> For the
>"right," the rationale is national sovereignty.
Tom: And for Republicans the rationale is pissing off Clinton,
now that the politics of the hill look like politics of
fourth grade recess.
>
>The logistics of the 2AL Brigade are being worked out. The idea
>is in its germinative phase and suggestions are welcome.
Crow: Does "Give it up" count?
>Preliminary logistics include:
>(1) assurance that Serbia welcomes the 2AL Brigade;
Mike: [Umpire] Steeeeeeee-rike ONE!
>(2) any available funding to transport the 2AL to Serbia;
Mike: [Umpire] Steeeeeeee-rike TWO!
>(3) any available funding for flak-jackets and helmets for
>members of 2AL.
Mike: [Umpire] Steeeeeeee-rike THREE! You're outta there!
>
>A good commander for 2AL would be Norman Olson,
Tom: Long lost brother of Mark-Kate, and Ashley
> of the Michigan
>Militia.
Crow: The Michigan Militia, for all of you peace loving,
pacifistic needs. This message is brought to you by the
bomb under my chair.
> While 2AL would be non-combative, nonetheless a solid
>*esprit de corps* is vital to the overall success of 2AL and only
>an experienced leader with military background can solder us
>together.
Mike: Did you all get that?
Bots: No.
Mike: Good, let's move on.
>
>True, many Americans will "play it safe," and saturate their
>selves in summer idleness.
Mike: Sounds good to me!
Crow: Me too!
Tom: NO! We must ACT!
> But if there are just 1,000 Americans
>who feel they have nothing to lose, then this idea can fly.
Tom: See, we DON'T have anything to lose!
Crow: By golly he's RIGHT!
Mike: Um...shouldn't we not be hasty...?
> The
>choice is yours: be a frog slowly boiled,
Mike: And then eaten by the French.
> or make a stand.
Bots: WE STAND?
Mike: Do we?
> A
>new Crusade is forming for those who know that no one lives
>forever and that eternal glory is better than wasting away.
Mike: By goodness, he's RIGHT!
>
>Readers interested in joining Abraham Lincoln Brigade II and
>travelling to Serbia, contact Conspiracy Nation at
>big...@shout.net
All: [Shouting] BIGRED!
>
>--
>CNNS (Conspiracy Nation News Service) is an INDEPENDENT news
>outlet, not owned by anyone. (But of course, we would say that,
>wouldn't we?) BEWARE THE CFR! BEWARE THE CIA! BEWARE THE KNIGHTS!
>http://www.shout.net/~bigred/cn.html
>http://www.shout.net/~bigred/cnns.html
Crow: Let's go, we have to get ready!
Tom: Hear hear!
Mike: To the Lincoln Brigade!
>
>
>
[Mike picks up Tom, and they all leave the theater, whistling
Bridge Over the River Kwai]
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ...]
[SoL bridge. All is quiet. The lights a dimmed, except for the
red strobe, which turns quietly. Then, Crow slowly moves
onto the scene wearing camouflaged fatigues, and a
mosquito net over his lacrosse mitt.]
Crow: This is it. I, Crow T. Robot am going to make a difference.
I feel that this is it, the moment that all my programming
was written for.
[Tom comes in, he too is in fatigues, with netting stuffed into
his dome.]
Tom: Almost in Serbia, making a stand against the oppression of
the NATO bombings. Yes, we can do it, or die trying.
Mike, are you almost ready?
Mike: [OS] Sure, let me just have another minute or two.
Crow: Come on, Mike, every minute is a minute a sovereign nation
is denied the right to kill its citizenry however it wants
to!
Tom: Can't you just hear the clock counting every unjust second
that Milosovic doesn't have full reign over the lives of
his people?
Tick!
Tick!
Bots: Tick!
TICK!
Mike: [OS] Alright, I'm coming!
[Mike walks onscreen, dressed in a smart black suit, wearing a fake
black beard, a large mole on one cheek, and a tall stovepipe
hat. The lights turn back on as the bots look at him in
disgust.]
Tom: Oh, sure Mike, like no one saw that joke coming from a mile
away.
Crow: We even had a full musical number worked up based on the
music from Sound of Music, but if you can't take this
seriously!
[Both bots turn, and storm off in different directions.]
Mike: Well, there goes the revolution.
[Mads light flashes]
Mike: What do you think, sirs...?
----------
Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 was a production of David Thurston.
All characters are copyright Best Brains, Inc. and their use here
is for entertainment purposes, and should not be inferred as an
infringement upon these trademarks.
The Second Abraham Lincoln Brigade is courtesy of Conspiracy
Nation news Service, written by Brian Redman. This MiSTing should
not be viewed as an attack on the author, no matter how odd his
beliefs are.
Interns: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
The musical Servia is Alive will not be performed here...alright,
twist my arm...
THE HILLS ARE ALIVE
WITH THE SOUNDS OF BOMBINGS...
It sort of goes on from there, you get the idea...
This and all the MiSTings of David Thurston are available at
the MiSTing SatelLITE at http://www.students.wfu.edu/thurdl01
I love feedback of any kind, which can be directed to
thur...@wfu.edu
Keep those posts circulating, and honey, I'll be home for dinner.
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>That the Serb people must be basically good is obvious from the
>fact that they are being demonized by the American mass media.