MiSTed: All My Children Episode [2/4]
Christine Malcom
From=20c...@midway.uchicago.edu Wed Feb 5 16:14:29 1997
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1997 13:21:45 -0600
From: Christine Malcom <cm...@midway.uchicago.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.soaps.abc
Subject: AMC: MiSTed 1/14/97 episode [2/4] (long
(cut to Skye and Andy who slides into booth next to her)
A: The night...is still young. (embraces her)
Tom: (singing) We don't have to take our
CLOTHES OFF!=20
To have a good time
OH NO!
Mike: testify, brother.=20
S: Early to bed, early to rise
Crow: Word choice, Skye, word choice.
A: Your bed or mine?
S: (glances at Dimitri. sees Jake entering) Heel, Andy!
A: I think I'm gonna like this!
Mike: Dialogue by the Marquis de Sad.=20
S: (looking at Jake) He *never* comes around here...
A: Who?=20
S: My jailer. He's flattened guys for just looking at me.=20
A: You've got a *boyfriend*?!?
S: And he's *not* friendly. Lay low (hurries over to Jake and
latches on to him). Don't....move.
J: Don't worry. Happy hour just started.=20
S: Help me peel off a leech, please?=20
Crow: Now *there's* a pick-up line
Tom: I like it. It's vivid. I can really *believe* this=20
woman's a journalist.=20
J: Well, you're a big girl...
Mike: Hey! Watch it with the weight cracks, bub!=20
S: Either I can cart him to the bouncer and make a scene, or you can just
play along.
J: What have you got in mind?
Crow: Tiddly Winks to the death!=20
S: Just stare him down. Piece of cake.=20
A: (sidles up, trying for tough) Everything ok here?
S: Andy, this is my very angry boyfriend, Jake. We had a date at the
Valley Inn... I forgot.
J: (coldly) I was stewing at that stuck up restaurant while you were
making new...friends. =20
Mike: Look! You can actually *see* the testosterone oozing=20
from his pores!
Tom: Um...no, Mike, that's his foundation.=20
A: Oh, Andy and I go way back.
Crow: (Harry Carey voice) WAY BACK! To the WALL! They're *GONE*!
Tom: Wishful thinking, friend.=20
J: She doesn't have time for old friends...Andy.
A: Oh yeah? =20
J: Take a hike.=20
Mike: (nasally geek voice) But I have Asthma!=20
A: (spots Dimitri) Oh...Skye. It looks like this place is *crawling*
with old friends. I'll be sure to pass along your regards (smirk)
Maria's Office
E: No...Maria, I don't want to be thinking what I'm thinking=20
Tom: (hushed golf announcer voice) And the Pulitzer prize-winning
vocabulary swings into action.=20
Crow: Work those verbs, baybee.=20
M: I know you love this baby....I know that you do.=20
E: It *is* our baby?
M: I'm sorry, Edmund, I'm so sorry....sorry *big sniff* sorry.
Mike: That's ok, honey, snotsicles happen to everyone.=20
E: All this time you were never sure that the baby was mine?=20
M: I *was* sure. I was never more sure of anything in my whole life,
I was never more sure. And then the test came back..
Crow: (singing) The test is back and you're gonna be in trouble
Tom: (singing) Hey Ma, hey Ma, the test is back! =20
AND it shows that you've been lyin'=20
E: The test...how long have you kept this from me?
M: I relied on my faith as long as I could...and then and then it was
just a couple of weeks ago that I went to the lab...(sobs)
E: What was the plan? Did you want us to pretend that everything was the
same and we could go through the motions and that it was my baby? What
was the PLAN?!?=20
=20
Mike: (movie announcer) No one will be seated during the=20
riveting PLAN scene!=20
M: I didn't HAVE one! I didn't have any plan. =20
Crow: Siskel and Ebert gave _Planless in Pine Valley_=20
two thumbs up, ya know!=20
M: I didn't know what to do...I didn't know. I'm not asking you to
lie, I'm no I'm just...I just need time!=20
E: Time?!? Time for what? You have no time! Someone's gonna find
out! =20
M: Dimitri knows...
Mike: That they had sex? There's a first. No one *ever* tells=20
him these things.=20
E: You told him *first?*=20
M: I had to. I had to because paternity tests can't be determined
by the amniotic fluid. I had to have a blood sample from Dimitri and
so he set it all up that we could to a lab in Center City and get the
results there, there were no middle men and and there was...we were
very... very careful.
Tom: Apparently not...=20
Crow: Hail Mary's and jumping jacks do not careful, Maria.
E: So while...so while I=D5m thinking about the baby, I=D5m thinking about
lamaze classes, my wife and my brother are plotting behind my back.
M: No...no we weren=D5t=20
E: I knew how low Dimitri could he could sink.=20
Crow: 'bout thigh high is all it takes.=20
Mike: Crow! =20
Crow: Sorry...=20
E: He was raised to spit at the help
Mike: And they say the usefulness had been bred out of nobility!=
=20
M: But...he loves you.
E: But you...you (places his palm against her cheek) ...baby...who am I
sleeping with, a sociopath? (grabs her coat and pulls her face upward)
Do you love me? Do you ? Do you? Becuase you don=D5t know how to love.
(begins to cry) What are me and Sammy supposed to do, make way for your
new family? (Maria throws her head back and sobs silently)
Mike: This fabulous new family could be YOURS, IF, the Price is
Right!
Matt and Hayley=D5s Apartment
T: Hayley, you made a very groovy flophouse.
Tom: AND she julienne's fries! NOW how much would you pay?=20
H: Yeah, it=D5s a bit of a stew. We got some furniture from Mateo=D5s
parents, and my dad bought us some knicknacks..
T: Yeah? It must be good having your family around...
H: (grins stupidly) Well, consider yourself part of it. (tosses him a
comforter. yawns). Well, I=D5m really wiped. Mateo was right. Don=D5t l=
et
the bed bugs bite!
T: Hayley wait! (hands her a mug) Try some of this? It=D5s my special
blend.=20
H: What is it? =20
T: It=D5s a natural tranquilizer...go on.
Tom: They've bottled the dialogue?=20
Mike: That or the plot devices.=20
H: (smells it. Makes a face). Um...thanks...I think I=D3ll get to bed on
my own.=20
T: A bit shy of the booze, are you? Too many hangovers, headbanging?
Crow: Yeah! Tink used to thrash!=20
H: You could say that.=20
T: You know, you piked out that night with the Sangria too, c=D5mon...just
get back in the saddle, have a drink..
Mike: Something tells me that Ms. Bell couldn't drink and be in
the saddle at the same time..
H: Tanner, I=D5m an alcoholic (apologetic)
T: Oh...c=D5mon, Hayley, I=D5m a barman, I know what an alcoholic looks
like...
Tom: (Scandahoovian) They're kinda funny lookin'
Crow: (Scandahoovian) In what way?
Tom: Well, they're not circumcised.
Mike: Hey hey hey! Foreskin is in the forbidden zone, guys.
Tom & Crow: Sorry...
Tom: So a rabbi shows up at a bris
Mike: TOM!=20
H: No, you *think you know what one looks like...I=D5m sorry. I thought
Mateo would=D5ve told you.=20
T: Well, I didn=D5t want to pry....
Mike: Pay no attention to the crowbar behind the curtain...=20
H: I have nothing to hide.
T: Wow. You=D5re incredible, Hayley, and I=D5m incredibly stupid...You
forgive me?=20
Tom: Coming up next on _That's Incredible!_: Soap actors speak=20
the truth!=20
Holidays
S: Before I lose you, Andy, I need to get your phone number. (grabs his
arm)=20
A: You can reach me at work.=20
S: It might have changed.
Crow: I thought she wanted to peel him off, and *now* she
wants his phone number. Women and their mixed signals...Yeesh...=
=20
Mike: No see, he's blackmailing her! He knows that she switched
the paternity test resu...Did I say that out loud?
Tom: Sure did, pansy boy.=20
J: Am I supposed to watch this?=20
Mike: We're *all* asking ourselves that, Jake=20
=20
S: Andy is a very happily married man. Will you get me a drink? You kow
my favorite.
J: Make it quick (glares at Andy. goes to bar)=20
S: We=D5re on the same page here, Andy. It=D5s just that Jake makes it
difficult. It=D5s not over til he says it=D5s over.=20
Tom: Jake Martin IS the fat lady in _Yogi does Pine Valley_=20
A: Well...get him angry...cheat!=20
S: And get you killed?
A: It=D5d be worth it! (looks at Jake. weakly.) Wouldn=D5t it?=20
S: Look, you know the score: Go on the QT with Dimitri Marick, and lose
me forever.=20
A: (looks from her, to him and back again) ditch him. (exits)
Mike: (as Andy) She wants me. =20
J: Your cold shoulder needs a little work
Crow: (as Skye) It's all in the wrist, baby.=20
=20
S: It=D5s a complicated situation
J: Well, I=D5m all ears.=20
=20
Mike: This is some *riveting* anatomical metaphor.=20
Crow: Well, Jake was a medical student, ya know.=20
(Dimitri sits at the bar)
M: Care for a refill? It=D5s on the house.=20
D: Why not? Thanks!=20
M: You waiting for someone?
Tom: See? He's *clearly* trying to pick him up
Crow: And who could blame him...Dex Dexter *grrrrooow*=20
Mike: He's married. His wife is expected a child. Drop it.=20
Crow: Woop woop woop =20
D: Waiting to take off. The airport's in chaos. Listen, the place looks
like it=D5s doing great. You should be very proud.=20
M: Thank you very much. I *am* pround, but I=D5ve been sort of slacking i=
n
the family department if you know what I mean. So how=D5s Maria (Dimitri
inclines his head). I I I I called her after that miscarriage scare, but
Crow: (as Dimitri) She's no Corvina I'll tell you that. I'd've
given her a seven, but that silicone gives me the willies...=20
Mike: Crow! =20
I reallly should have gone over there to see her, you kno spend some time
with her, but this place...just takes all my time. I have so much to do.
But she=D5s got a little brood in the making, eh? You and me, doin=D5 the
doting uncle double duty (grins inanely and high fives Dimitri), how bout
that?=20
D: (looks uncomfortable) yeah...
Crow: (exchanges a look with Tom) Mike, I rest my case.=20
Maria=D5s Office:=20
E: (still holding her coat) We took vows. For better, for worse...
M: Forsaking all others...
E: Where is Dimitri now? Where is your comfort? He=D5s not here.
(releases coat) Why did you go to the lab in first place?
Crow: (as Maria) well I *am* a doctor. I can go to a lab any=20
time I...oh....that lab.=20
M: I didn=D5t want to go to the lab at all, but Dimitri was afraid that th=
e
baby would have some genetic blood disorder.
E: What? Some inherited thing?
Tom: That *is* the definition of genetic.
Crow: Who do you suppose helps him with the big words in
interviews?
=20
M: Yes. It an...it=D5s an genetic trait on his mother=D5s side.=20
E: So I don=D5t have it?=20
M: No...and it wouldn=D5t be a problem except I=D5ve been tested for it an=
d
I=D5m a carrier too.
Tom: (singing) I'm a carrier, you're a carrier, wouldn't
you like to be a carrier too?
Mike: Man, this is one shallow gene pool.=20
E: SO...my brother and my wife- who have so much more in common than
anyone could possibly conceive- join forces to figure out whose child
Crow: Ah! Irony! Very droll!=20
she=D5s carrying. Now, if the baby had been mine, then we would have just
forgotten all about this, right? And it would have just been your dirty
little secret, right?=20
M: No. I would never have been able to run from my conscience.=20
E: Don=D5t TALK to me about CONSCIENCE! You=D5re carrying my brother=D5s
child...=20
Tom: That must be why she couldn't outrun it...=20
M: Edmund, I know that I don=D5t deserve your understanding and...and...I
don=D5t...I can=D5t even ask for your forgiveness, and I=D5ll never even fo=
rgive
myself. I deserve to take the pain for both of us.=20
E: And Sam=D5s pain, too.=20
M: But, Edmund, he doesn=D5t have to suffer. He doesn=D5t have to suffer =
if
we can work together. =20
E: I would do anything for my son. But you...you can=D5t expect things t=
o
be the same.
M: Ok...ok...I mean... I=D5m not but I don=D5t mean like an earthquake. Ju=
st
like...a tiny shift. just...just for now, just for some time
Crow: She has *got* to be off script...doesn't she?
Tom: I fear not.=20
E: Time for what? =20
M: Just until we can get backto this and remember why this works, why we
work. We both live for Sam, so we can try to live through Sam...for him.
E: (shakes head) No, we can=D5t.
M: We can try to see it through his eyes. Through Sammy=D5s eyes. =20
=20
Crow: Ew! =20
Mike: DCFS let these people *adopt*?=20
M: Edmund, our life began the day that he came back for good.=20
(stares at her a moment, turns and leaves). (Maria collapses and sobs in
doorway)
Tom: Her stability and professionalism are what make her=20
realistic as a Neurosurgeon, ya know?=20
=20
Holidays
B: I hope you=D5ll forgive me for the question I=D5m gonna ask you.=20
Mi: Whoa...
B: But it=D5s because I=D5m enthusiastic, not because I=D5m anxious
Mi: Oh boy. Here we go. Ok...hit me.
Crow: Kinky!=20
B: Are you ever gonna move your stuff into my place?
Mi: We never actually like made a real decision on that.
B: Oh. Uh huh.=20
Mi: The boarding house it at half capacity, and Myrtle needs the income.
B: So, you not moving in with me is actually a good deed.
Mike: If you only knew, Brad.=20
Mi: Look, I saw Myrtle tape up a broken window that was broken by a bigot
when She first took me in and then she took a stand, and I feel like I=D5m
still repaying her a debt. When the time is right, you know where I=D5ll
go.
B: (sigh) You know I love Myrtle, too (significant look).
Mi: (attempted significant look) I know you do.=20
Mike: (Jack Perkins) Oh, and we're out of time for our token gay
story for this millenium. I think that's as *splendid* as=20
portrayls of homosexuality get.=20
J: Soooo...Andy. He=D5s not your average predatory creep.
Crow: Oh, I agree...he's definitely more of a predatory ooze.=20
S: I=D5m a journalist. Today=D5s creep is tomorrow=D5s headline-maker. I
can=D5t afford to make enemies.
J: You=D5re not stringing me along, are you? =20
Mike: (as Skye) like popcorn, baby.=20
S: Friends are precious. =20
J: Do I detect sentiment? Some scruples, perhaps?=20
Tom: (turns to camera) Jake is new to Pine Valley
=20
S: Hardly (eyes Dimitri).=20
J: well, I=D5m gonna get outta here. Do you need a ride? =20
S: Are you leaving so soon?
J: Don=D5t take it personally. =20
Crow: (as Jake) I diss everyone. It's in my contract.=20
S: Um, I=D3m on sort of a stakeout. =20
J: Right here in plain sight? Don=D5t you think that=D5s a little risky?=
=20
S: You do what you have to do.
J: O...kay...Nancy Drew. I=D5ll see you later (exits)
Tom: I really see her as more of a Trixie Belden. She's=20
so wholesome.
Christine "Couscous" Malcom-Dept. of Anthropology (cm...@kimbark.uchicago.ed=
u)
Indestructible Gouda Llama Woman was a little stupid about splitting this=
=20
into quarters
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"Let the wild Rumpus start!" - Maurice Sendak