Misted: "New Mutants Volume 2 #1" (1/3)

[do...@earlham.edu]

MiSTing: "New Mutants Volume 2"

[SoL. Tom and Crow sit in a Socratic tableau.]

CROW: ...So their grandchildren all knew each other?
TOM: Basically, yes.
CROW: Well, that's ludicrous.
TOM: Tell me about it. I could barely read the whole
trilogy.

[Mike enters.]

MIKE: Hi, guys, what's up?
CROW: Oh, we were just talking about the second "Shannara"
trilogy.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
MIKE: You read the second trilogy? I couldn't finish the
first book.
CROW: Well, I didn't, but Tommy here did.
TOM: I couldn't help noticing that the descendants of the
surviving original characters all hung out together. And
that struck me as deeply improbable, you know? It would be
like writing a Civil War novel starring the descendants of
George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams, who just
happen to pal around together.
MIKE: Actually, Tom, George Washington never had children.
CROW: Yeah, and any descendants Jefferson had were probably
still slaves.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
MIKE: Hold that thought.

[Commercials. We return to the characters, still in mid-
conversation.]

TOM: You see my point, though. Did "Star Trek: The Next
Generation" star the descendants of the original crew?
CROW: Who, Demora Sulu? None of them had kids!
TOM: Did "Tiny Toon Adventures" star the children of the
Warner Brothers characters?
MIKE: No, just their clones.
TOM: [getting worked up] Did "Master Ninja II" star Timothy
van Patten's children? Did "Robotech: A New Generation" bear
the *slightest* resemblance to the original Robotech? WAS "A
TALE OF TWO CITIES" A SEQUEL TO "A TALE OF ONE CITY?!?" I
THINK NOT!!
CROW: Whoa, chill out, Tom. [Cambot pulls in on Tom.]
TOM: [on a roll] IS THE SHROUD OF TURIN A KNOCKOFF OF THE
SHROUD OF RIN? WAS KING GEORGE III A SEQUEL TO GEORGE II?
AND WHAT ABOUT MALCOLM X?!?

[Cambot pulls back to reveal Mike, as he throws a bucket of
water over Tom. Much of it evaporates into steam on
contact.]

TOM: [sputtering] Whew, thanks.
MIKE: Are you under control now? Allanon and Garet Jax are
calling. [pushes the button]

[Deep 13. Dr. F. stands amidst what looks like the guts of
ENIAC. Printouts and punch cards abound.]

DR. F: Well, Nelson, you've caught me at a busy time.

[SoL]

MIKE: But you called us.

[Deep 13; in the background, we hear a metallic KA-THUNK and
a groan.]

DR. F: Well, I have to gloat to someone, don't I? I'm sure
you're familiar with the infinite monkeys at typewriters
theory?

[SoL]

CROW: Are you kidding? You've sent us their scripts!
TOM: Whoo, good one! [They attempt to high-five, rather
ineffectually.]

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Yes, well, laugh while you can, because I've found a
way to automate the process.

[KA-THUNK! groan... Dr. F. steps aside to reveal Frank,
made up like a low-grade Bajoran. He sits in front of a
metal bowl, which is facedown on a small table.]

DR. F: No doubt you're familiar with the work of the Star
Trek: TNG makeup men? Specifically, how they assemble a
seemingly-random pile of facial lumps to differentiate their
alien species?

[SoL]

TOM: Dr. Forrester and Star Trek makeup...I don't like where
this is going.
MIKE: Sh. Yes. What does that have to do with... [waves
hand] all that?

[Deep 13]

DR. F: I'm glad you asked that. I've been using the facial
lumps as a random-number generator for my "infinite monkeys"
system. I put Star Trek makeup on Frank [gestures]. He
smashes his face into this metal bowl...
FRANK: Look, Raoul, stars!
DR. F: Do it, Frank... [Frank reluctantly slams his face into
the bowl, with the now-familiar KA-THUNK and groan. Dr. F.
produces the bowl, with a series of dents resembling Bajoran
makeup.] I feed it into my Braille translator... [puts the
bowl in a receptacle; loud Dr. Who-style "computing" noises]
and convert the result into easily portable punch cards.
[A punch cards spits out; Dr. F. plucks it out.] If "Star
Trek" stays on the air long enough, every evil scheme
possible will be generated randomly!

[SoL]

MIKE: Won't that leave you with a lot of useless text,
though?

[Deep 13; Dr. F. now holds a readout.]

DR. F.: Oh, I'll just post it to the Net and call it free
verse. Your experiment today, boobies, is a comic fanfic
written by two college roommates in the halcyon days of 1991.
It attempts to bring back the New Mutants.

[SoL]

CROW: What's wrong with that? At least half of it was a good
series.

[Deep 13]

DR. F.: Several of the characters originated in a "Marvel
Super-Heroes" role-playing campaign.

[SoL]

ALL: AUUUGHHH!!!! [Lights flash, etc.] WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!

[Doors sequence; Mike and co. enter theater.]

MIKE: I never really followed the mutant books, so I may be a
little lost.
TOM: That's okay. We're here for you.

NEW MUTANTS VOL 2 #1

SECOND RENEWAL

TOM: If you don't send in your subscription card by the 21st,
you may miss some issues.
CROW: This isn't going to be "Kid Dynamo," is it?

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

MIKE: "Dramatis?" Is this a play?
CROW: Well, no more so than every Niven/Pournelle novel that
begins this way.

The Mysterious Shadowy Clawed Hand

ALL: [singing] Mr. Klaw...Mr. Klaw...

Stevie Hunter
Lila Cheney
Huang Linwei
Huang Wu (her father)
Kevin Derleth

CROW: And other...AUGUST personages?
[Tom & Mike groan.]

Assorted orderlies
Joseph and Benjamin, of the RCX

ALL: [singing] Benjamin...Benjamin...Benjamin of the
RCX...Benjamin...Benjamin...Benjamin of the RC, Benjamin of
the RC, Benjamin of the RCX!

Magma

TOM: Finally, a superhero name! I was afraid this was going
to be filled with...I don't know, characterization or
something.

Empath
Fred Duncan
Guido

MIKE: Who? A Mafioso?
TOM: Strong Guy of X-Factor, I think. This was before he got
his big break.
MIKE: "Strong Guy?" Tom, don't just make stuff up.

Jen O'Neal
Lucius Aquilla

CROW: Boy, they're really scraping the bottom of the
supporting character barrel here.

Sam Thompson
Emma Frost
Assorted Hellfire mercs

MIKE: One hundred Hellfire mercs, packaged in this authentic
replica footlocker, for only $2.95!

Beef

TOM: He's what's for dinner!

Catseye
Jetstream
Roulette
Tarot
Bevatron

CROW: STOP PADDING THE COMIC! JUST SAY "THE HELLIONS" AND
GET ON WITH IT!

Mysterious Figure
Businessman
Ticketperson

TOM: Oh, now they're just listing people who walked by the
dorm hallway.

Trent Darnell
Lara Ventura
Lara's father

MIKE: Who apparently rates down there with "Businessman" and
"Assorted Hellfire Mercs." Betcha he doesn't survive the
first six issues.

PAGE ONE:

CROW: What? It hasn't even started yet?

CAPTION, PANEL ONE: Prologue.
A car sits in a darkened garage. A whole series of five
panels in which it sits, doing nothing.

TOM: No one will be seated during the gripping garage scene.
MIKE: Did Keith Giffen draw this?

In the sixth, a shadowy, clawed hand reaches out and
slashes against a rear tire.

CROW: Yes? And?
MIKE: Oh, they're just getting their money's worth out of The
Mysterious Shadowy Clawed Hand.

PAGE TWO:
In a series of six or eight panels, Stevie Hunter leaves
her house, gets into her car (which is the same one as
page one),

TOM: Ooh, the plot thickens.
MIKE: Sheesh, cars in Minnesota winters start faster than
this!

pulls out of her driveway, and drives off to a deserted
country road.

CROW: [Stevie] Well, that last sign said Middle of
Nowhere...there's Deserted Country *Lane*...

It's raining, and will be in this area for the next
several pages.
PAGE THREE:
Splash panel.

MIKE: Well, with all that rain it's no wonder.

Stevie has a blowout,

CROW: Whoo! Things sure picked up in a hurry!
MIKE: That better have been a reference to the skidding car
and not some sort of double-entendre.
CROW: Uh, yeah.

loses control, and a car behind her crashes into her.
(The other car is an expensive sports car.)

TOM: I love the "Marvel Method" plotting here. "Okay, artist,
you do all the difficult work..."

CAPTION: Top of page: "SECOND RENEWAL"
Bottom of page: Credits

CROW: The authors wisely remain anonymous, and the artists
wisely remain hypothetical.

PAGE FOUR:
PANEL ONE: Stevie gets out of her car.
PANEL TWO: She heads over to survey the damage. The
other car owner is already out,

TOM: Judging from the rainbow decal in her rear window,
anyway.

and has her back turned. Stevie: "Hey, are you--"
PANEL THREE: The car owner turns and we see that it's
Lila.

ALL: Huh?
CROW: [Data] Captain, I am registering an enormous plot
contrivance to starboard.

For those of us who don't know her, Stevie says, "LILA
CHENEY? and, "Imagine running into you."

MIKE: Stevie is so shaken that she's lost her wit!
TOM: Don't you mean "lost her wits?"
MIKE: Not in this case.

Lila says, "Actually, I ran into you, hi, Stevie. Sorry
about the mess."

TOM: Boy, these rock stars are blase about their *expensive
sports cars*.

PANEL FOUR: Stevie: "You're not hurt, then?" Lila: "No,
I'm fine. Why don't we head somewhere and call the
automobile association? I know a place in town."

CROW: [Lila] I just happen to know the only place in town
with a phone...
MIKE: [Stevie] And the errand I was going to in the middle of
nowhere doesn't really matter...

PANEL FIVE: Stevie: "That sounds good, but we're five
miles out, and I can't walk that far." Lila: "Don't
worry."
PANEL SIX: Flash of teleportation.

CROW: Yeah, it would be *really clear* to the readers that
they're teleporting and not just spontaneously combusting.
MIKE: If she can teleport, why was she driving?
TOM: Well, she, uh... [with authority] She likes to listen to
herself on the radio.

PAGE FIVE:
PANEL ONE: Caption: "Interlude One: Sunrise in China."

TOM: Um, China is about twelve time zones away from
Massachusetts. If it's sunrise there, it should be dinner
time here.
CROW: Maybe it is. The authors haven't said.

Shows, well, a sunrise in China.

CROW: Yeah, it would be *really clear* that it's in China and
not Mongolia or something.

Silhouette of two figures on a hill, presumably
sparring. This panel takes up 1/2 of the page.
PANEL TWO: Adult Chinese man talks to young Chinese
adolescent girl. Both wear standard kung fu outfits.

TOM: Why do I have the horrible feeling we're reading the
prequel to "X-Men Vs. Street Fighter?"

Master: "<You learn your lessons well, Linwei. But here
is something new.>"
PANEL THREE: Master goes into blindingly fast maneuver
that leaves her on the ground.

CROW: So fast that the eye can't follow the panel!

PANEL FOUR: Girl begins to get up. Girl: "<What was that
maneuver, Father?>" Master: "<A technique from an
ancient master.>"

TOM: The only Occidental American to become a ninja master?

PANEL FIVE: Master looks reminiscent. Master: "<Master
Chen was perhaps the greatest teacher and warrior China
has ever seen.>" "<A pity he had such a short temper.>"

MIKE: [Lou Ferrigno] CHEN SMASH PUNY MARTIAL ARTIST!

PAGE SIX:
PANEL ONE: Stevie and Lila enter the coffeeshop.

MIKE: They drove all the way to China to use the phone?

Lila to cashier: "Hi, Bob, we had a wreck back on 35.

CROW: Looks like rock stars don't forget the little people.
TOM: Though why a British rock star knows the diner owner in
*Massachusetts* is beyond me.

Where's your phone?" Bob: "Over there, Lila." He
points. Thinks: "Hmmm. They don't look like they've
walked five miles in the rain." PANEL TWO: Lila returns
and they take a booth.

TOM: Lila's come down since her days as an interstellar
thief...

Lila: "So, what have you been up to?"
Stevie: "Oh, the usual. Still running my dance studio."
"I really miss the Xavier's crowd, though."

CROW: [Cerebus] Next time aim between the eyes.

Lila: "Yeah, I kinda miss 'em too. Really a shame they
split up."

MIKE: But they'll go on to exciting solo recording careers!
Well, except Ringo.

Stevie: "It was really a good idea, having a school to
train kids like that to *ahem* handle themselves.

CROW: It's Joycelyn Elders!

There're probably a lot of people who could use a place
like that."
Lila: (Smiling) "Well, why don't we found our own,
then?"

TOM: Useful for the authors that the whole concept hangs on
one random whim.

Pause, as they look at each other.

CROW: [Stevie] Lila, you've got something on your lip...no,
other side...oh, forget it!
TOM: [Lila] Should I make my move now? Or will she think I'm
"easy?"

Stevie: "That's crazy. Where would we get the money?"
Lila: "I'm bloody rich, remember?"

MIKE: [Lila] I'm British, remember, luv?

Stevie: "Where would we get the people?"
Lila: "We can hire them. I've got connections."

CROW: The Mafia, the Triads, Boskone...

Pause.
Stevie: "You're really serious, aren't you?"
Lila: Smile. "We can do it, y'know. You only live
once."

[All laugh.]
TOM: In a mutant book? You live six times minimum!

PAGE SEVEN:
PANEL ONE: Caption: "Interlude Two: Lunchtime in an
Asylum."

TOM: If it's lunchtime, it's about halfway between China and
Massachusetts, so...it's an asylum in the middle of the
Pacific Ocean.

Kevin is in his room. He sits at his desk, dealing a
tarot reading.
PANEL TWO: Kevin (without looking up) "Come in."
PANEL THREE: Two orderlies enter, with lunch. They have
nametags: "Ed" and "Cliff." Orderly #1 (whispered, to
other): "Don't you just hate that?"

MIKE: Well, which one is it? Ed or Cliff?

PANEL FOUR: Kevin: (without looking at tray) "I really
wish--Guys, don't *you* wish they'd change the stew?"
His back is to the orderlies.

CROW: [Ed] Well, *don't* say hi, then.

PANEL FIVE: Orderlies exchange glances. Kevin, from
offpanel: "Look, I'm kinda busy now. John, could you
bring it over here? I'll eat it later."

TOM: John? There's no John in the Dramatis Personae.
MIKE: He's more of a Dull Persona.

PANEL SIX: The orderlies exit, shaking their heads. The
tray moves, with nothing touching it.

CROW: Ahhh, you can see the string.

With his back turned (still), Kevin: "Bye, Ed. Bye,
Cliff."
PANEL SEVEN (narrow panel at bottom): Kevin's hand on
the desk. The Wheel of Fortune is up, and Death is
being turned over. Kevin: "Changes. New beginnings.
Cool!"

MIKE: Tom, is Kevin some pre-existing character I'm supposed
to know about?
TOM: No, I feel exposition coming on.

PAGES EIGHT-NINE:
CAPTION: "Stately Braddock Manor, England"

CROW: It's a good thing *we* know Lila can teleport...

Lila and Stevie are sitting in a drawing room-type
setting and talking with Joseph and Benjamin, who are
formerly Gabriel and Michael of the RCX.

MIKE: Quickfire!
TOM: Repulsive Corpse Exchange!
CROW: Revealing Costume Exhibition!
MIKE: Rancid Clown Exhalation!

Benjamin: "Well, this is an intriguing idea..." "but you
do realise that the States are out of the RCX's area of
jurisdiction."

MIKE: And the RCX?
TOM: Pre-existing, but it would take too long.
MIKE: Man, this fanfic should come with a bibliography.

Stevie: (thinking) "Lila, you and your 'connections...'"

CROW: James Burke you're not.

Lila: "So, you won't really be able to help us much? I
always thought that you were the people to consult in
'troubled times.'"
Joseph: "Well, yes, but we meant troubled times in
Britain.

TOM: [singing] And all the hard times in old England, oh, the
jolly hard times...
MIKE: Huzzah!

We do like your idea, however."
Benjamin: "We might even have somebody for you to work
with."
Joseph: (looking over at Benjamin): "Oh? Who--"
Benjamin: "Hush. Tell you later.

CROW: What about us? Hello? The readers?

Ms. Hunter, Ms. Cheney--while we can't help you
directly, we can connect you with an American who'll
help considerably more." He writes out a slip of paper,
and gives it to Lila.

TOM: [Lila] Hm. "Dr. Kevorkian" and a phone number.

Stevie: "Well, thank you anyway, Mr. Benjamin, Mr.
Joseph. We appreciate your help."
Lila: "We'll be in touch."
Lila and Stevie exit.

MIKE: Let's sum up. So far, these two decided to found a
school, and they've accomplished nothing.
TOM: Mike, Mike...you're forgetting the stirring interludes
in all corners of the globe!

Joseph: "Okay, who did you want to give them?"
Benjamin: "Which one have we wanted to get off out hands
all this time? Who's been our biggest hassle all along?
Our grey little night-flier, of course. It shouldn't be
too hard to lose him in the paperwork."

CROW: Grey little night-flier...hmm...Dragon Man isn't
"little"...the Grey Gargoyle doesn't fly...Batgirl isn't
grey...
MIKE: Relax. All will be made clear. [beat] I hope.

Joseph: "I don't know about the ethics of it, though..."
Benjamin: "Joseph! Relax! When has that been an obstacle
before? If it's unethical, we just change our ethics,
that's all!"

TOM: These guys work for the *British* government?
MIKE: Don't forget, it was the Conservative era.
TOM: Oh yeah.

PAGE TEN:
Lila and Stevie, in the hallway.
Stevie: "Who ARE those two?"
Lila: "They're agents of the Resources Control
Executive.

ALL: [in realization] Ahhh...

A professional unethical behaviour club--sort of like
your CIA, really. I trust them as far as I can spit
them, but they have their uses."
Stevie: "Hmmm. What's the name on the slip?"
Lila: (opening it) "Fred Duncan, FBI. And a phone
number. That name sounds sort of familiar."
Stevie: "I think he used to know Professor Xavier, or
something.

TOM: Yeah, back in the Sixties! I bet these guys owned a
complete set of "X-Men Index." The original version.

We should call him when we get back home."
Lila: "No problem."
Stevie: "Oh, and Lila?"
Lila: "Yes?"
Stevie: "Where did you MEET them?"
Lila: Enigmatic smile.
PAGE ELEVEN:
PANEL ONE: Caption: "Interlude Three: Evening in Nova
Roma, Brazil."

TOM: Okay, it's still evening...Busy day, this.

Amara is sitting on a balcony, staring out at the sunset
over the jungle.
PANEL TWO: Empath comes up behind her, and puts his
hands on her shoulders. Empath: "Thinking?" Amara:
"Mmm-hmm."

CROW: [Empath] I envy you...

Empath: "About what?"
PANEL THREE: Amara: "I just wish my father would resolve
the debate over my marriage. I still haven't even met
him, you know."

MIKE: And who are these people?
TOM: They're pre-existing too. Geez, let me just loan you
"Marvel Universe" during the break.

PANEL FOUR: Amara turns back to looking at the jungle.
Empath: "I hope that all goes well." Amara: "Yes."

CROW: He's being awfully nice for someone *Magneto* considers
the living embodiment of Evil.

PANEL FIVE: Amara turns back to Empath. Amara: "Manuel,
why exactly did I leave America? I was unhappy when I
first left home, but I have come to realize that I was
perhaps happier there. I had more friends there, and no
one tried to make decisions for me."

TOM: Oh, that Magneto and his hands-off teaching style...

PANEL SIX: Amara turns back to the jungle. "Sometimes I
wish I could leave all this, and just go back..."
PAGE TWELVE:
Fred Duncan is going towards his office in FBI
Headquarters.

MIKE: [Duncan] No, Mulder, I don't want to hear about Roswell
again...no, I don't care about your sister...look, don't you
have a case or something?

PANEL ONE: Outside his office. Somebody passing by:
"Hey, Amos." Fred: "Come on, Jim, don't call me that..."

TOM: I was right! Talk about obscure...

He enters his office. The phone rings, and he answers.
Fred: "H'lo?"
Fred: "Yes, I remember ol' Charlie. Been a loooong
time, though. Why d'ya ask?"

CROW: Almost two months in Marvel Time!

Fred: "Say, who is this anyway? How'd you get my
number?"
Fred: "Yeah, I think I've hearda you."
Fred: (to air) "Michael, you jerk!"

MIKE: Is it wise to insult the Archangel of Vengeance?

Fred: "A WHAT?"
Fred: "Hmmm...
Fred: "Y'know, that's an interesting idea. So where
would you get the money?"
Fred: "Of course. Where would you get the people?"
Fred: "I was afraid you'd say that..."
Fred: "Okay, I can meet you."

TOM: Why do I get the impression this guy calls up the time
and holds one-sided monologues to impress his co-workers?
MIKE: Let's go, guys.

[Exeunt omnes. Doors sequence. The bridge:]

TOM: I'm trying to picture the writers' bookshelves. The
"Marvel Super-Heroes" rules, of course, and all the annual
supplements. The "Captain Britain" trade paperback and the
"New Mutants" graphic novel. And, of course, a complete set
of "X-Men Index."
CROW: Don't forget "Monty Python's Flying Circus: All the
Words."
MIKE: The mutant books aren't normally like this, are they?
TOM: No, they're basically the opposite these days. All
fights and no characterization.
CROW: It's like being trapped in some Twilight Zone version
of a Claremont title. He made the mutant books famous for
the personal touches...but at least stuff happened!
MIKE: What sort of personal touches?
TOM: Well, take Wolverine, for example. Insane, animalistic
killer? Afraid of clowns.
MIKE: Really?
CROW: Oh yeah. And Gambit? Macho Cajun? Secretly reads
"Tiger Beat" and owns an extensive collection of New Kids
paraphenalia.
MIKE: Wow.
TOM: Apocalypse? Cross-dresser.
CROW: Cyclops? Swallows Prozac by the fistful and it still
doesn't work.
TOM: Psylocke? One of the stars of "Diff'rent Strokes."
MIKE: Amazing. [shakes his head] Did you need a scorecard to
keep track of the characters?
CROW: Hell, yes! The supporting cast was like a phone book,
and by the end of Claremont's run plotlines *never* got
resolved.
TOM: Six issues out of the year taken up by crossovers with
the other titles...
CROW: The annual caught up in the crappy annual crossover
event...
TOM: Random nudity every other issue...
CROW: A half-assed metaphor for prejudice smacking you in the
face every time you turned around...
CROW & TOM: COME BACK, CHRIS CLAREMONT! ALL IS FORGIVEN!
MIKE: I still feel lost.
CROW: Savor it.
TOM: Look, go to my room and get "Marvel Universe." You'll at
least know who some of the characters are, and [lights flash]
it'll have to wait, cause WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!

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