MiSTed: Stolen Memories (23/29)
Rottweiler
dressed identically (Well, except for the fact that MIKE is the only one
who wears pants). Their outfits consist of straw hats, red and white
striped jackets, bowties, and phony handlebar mustaches.]
TOM: (to CAMBOT) Oh, hi everyone! You're just in time for our trbiute
to
_Stolen Memories_ - barbershop quartet style! (to the others) Are
we
ready, guys...?
(TOM hums a note, and the other three hum to get in tune with him)
TOM: And a one, and a two, and...
(Suddenly, someone swoops in from above and pounces on TOM, knocking him
to
the ground. The mysterious figure stands up, holding TOM by the throat,
and we see that it is ALIS, the peeved Felistian. MIKE and the other
BOTS
cower in fear.)
ALIS: Prepare to die, rustbucket!
TOM: (playing it cool) Alis! Fancy meeting you here! Say, weren't you
supposed to postpone your visit until AFTER the Life Test?
ALIS: I said I'd show up when you least expected it. Duh! What did you
THINK I meant by that?
TOM: (to Mike and the others) Uh, guys, remember that plan we talked
about
earlier?
MIKE: Oh, right! The PLAN!
(MIKE, CROW, and GYPSY exit in a hurry)
ALIS: (suspicious) What was that all about?
TOM: Oh, nothing! Say, don't you have a revenge to exact on me or
something?
ALIS: Now that you mention it, I do.
(ALIS pulls TOM down behind the counter. We hear her beating him up.)
TOM: Oof! Argh! Oh, the humanity! (etc., etc.)
(Occasionally, part of TOM's barbershop costume is tossed into the air.
After a while, ALIS emerges from behind the counter and puts a severely
rearranged TOM on the countertop. His head and his left arm have traded
places, and his right arm has been stretched to its limit. His globe is
cracked.)
ALIS: (dusting her hands off) I hope I've made myself perfectly clear.
TOM: Indeed you have, ma'am. I'll never tease another Felistian again.
ALIS: See that you don't.
(She exits, leaving TOM a quivering wreck. From offscreen, we hear
frantic
activity.)
CROW: (off-screen) Don't worry, Tom. We're coming to rescue you!
MIKE: (off-screen) Gypsy, turn on the water - full blast!
GYPSY: (off-screen) Can do, Mike!
(A blast of water knocks TOM off the counter)
TOM: Waaahhhh!!!
MIKE: (off-screen) Okay, that's enough!
(The water is turned off. MIKE and CROW run in, but find the bridge
seemingly empty.)
MIKE: Servo?
CROW: Hello? Anyone here?
(They look around, totally clueless as to what's happened. TOM can be
heard whimpering. MIKE looks down.)
MIKE: Tom! What happened?!?
TOM: (sobbing) Alis got her revenge. (angrily) Thanks to the fact that
a
snail with crippling arthritis could have gotten to that hose
faster
than you three!!!
GYPSY: We're sorry, Tom.
MIKE: Here, I'll fix you.
(MIKE removes TOM's head and left arm. He puts the arm in it's proper
place, then gets another head from behind the counter.)
MIKE: Now, in order to fix the other arm--
(Lights flash, sirens blare, movie sign pandemonium)
CROW: Fanfic sign!
MIKE: I'll have to fix it later.
[Dog Bone]
[Door 6]
[Door 5]
[Door 4]
[Door 3]
[Door 2]
[Door 1]
[SOL Theater. MIKE and the BOTS enter and take their seats.]
> *****************************************************
CROW: Come to Universal Studios! See the stars!
>
> Julian awoke late in the day to find himself alone
> and when he crawled out of the hut it was to find a wall
> of rock mud and leaves had been constructed while he slept.
MIKE: Another one?
TOM: (sobbing) This chapter is a mobius strip.
> He met Alis at the river bank, scooping mud into the snake
> skin,
CROW: (singing) The things we do when we're in love...
> and helped her to drag it back to the hut, there she
> showed him how to make a rock wall, and left him to it
> while she hunted up more rocks and leaves for the chore.
MIKE: I think it's safe to say at this point that Bob Vila has taken
over
Mission Ops Productions.
> By nightfall,
TOM: There were two Batmen.
> two walls were built, and by the next
> night, all four walls were up.
CROW: When they're done, they'll have the Fontainebleu hotel.
> Alis was gone again the next morning.
MIKE: She'd finally wised up.
> Julian never
> saw her that day, or the next, but she left her bounty
> behind
TOM: This is mutiny, Mr. Christian! Mutiny!
> in the form of masses of fuel for the fires, and
> animal carcasses that Julian wrapped in leaves.
CROW: He tried to get them to fetch, but that didn't work too well.
> With
> nothing better to do, he dug a pit in the ground,
MIKE: That's what I like to do when *I'M* bored, I tell ya. As a matter
of
fact, I think I'll start digging a pit in the ground RIGHT now.
> then
> tottered off to the river side to collect stones and mud in
> her snake skin,
TOM: Jules, it's not polite to say that your girlfriend has snake skin.
> he lined the pit with mud, stones and
> leaves, then dropped the animals in it, then collect twigs
> and sticks to weave a cover for his food pit.
MIKE: Stones, mud, twigs, and sticks... why doesn't Julian collect
baseball
cards, instead?
CROW: The bottom's fallen out of the market, Mike.
> With no sign
> of Alis that night,
TOM: Julian brazenly flirted with a cocktail waitress.
> he returned to the hut, to cook a meal
> for two, that he ended up eating alone.
MIKE: How's he ever going to finish all those Ramen noodles?
> Then he spent the
> next few hours with a collection of twigs and sticks
> weaving until he could no longer keep his eyes open and
> crawled into bed alone, wishing she was there with him.
CROW: Instead of in Atlantic City, having the time of her life.
TOM: "Dear Alis, I'm bored to death, it's hot and I'm stuck here with a
bunch of dead animals. Wish you were here to share it with me."
> When he awoke in the morning it was to find more
> animals to place in the food pit, and more fire fuel.
MIKE: How about using some of John Grisham's novels?
> He sorted through the fuel pulling out any flexible
> twigs he could find, alone with any long thin but strong
> branches he could find to suit his purpose.
CROW: Alone with long branches that suit his purpose? Mike, kill me.
> Then he
> returned to the hut to continue his weaving.
TOM: Back to the women's work, eh?
MIKE: (Julian) I don't wike you anymowe. I'm weaving you... and I'm
keeping the wing.
> When he was done, he pulled rocks from the pit wall
> and began digging, hours later, he returned to the river
> side to collect mud, stones and leaves.
MIKE: AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! That's all he EVER does! I thought the
point of _Star Trek_ was "to boldly go where no man has gone
before",
not "to go where one wuss has gone over and over again".
CROW: Some people said the same thing about _The Next Generation_.
(TOM does a rimshot)
> When Alis returned
> that night it was to find a corner of the hut had been
> enclosed behind a twig wall, and Julian proudly showed off
> his addition to the hut.
TOM: A billiard room!
> There in the corner, he'd dug a
> hole, lining it with mud and stones, and in that hole was
> a basket lined with leaves, covered with a wicker lid and
> thong handles lay on the ground behind it.
MIKE: (British accent) It's the Amazing Food Steamer, another Fantastic
Discovery!
> She thought it
> was a food pit,
CROW: Like McDonalds?
> until he mentioned the one outside and
> pointed out, it wasn't safe to answer the call of nature at
> night.
TOM: (Julian) This is for your scat, darn cat!
> She laughed and hugged him.
MIKE: I figured she was too classy for toilet humor.
> That night, Julian didn't sleep alone,
TOM: He slept with his teddy bear.
CROW: How'd Kukalaka get there?
> they lay curled
> up around each other,
MIKE: They've become a living sheepshank knot.
> and when her hands and tail wandered
> in the night,
CROW: (Alis) Hey! Get back here!
> he responded, making love to her in the
> manner she was accustomed to from him.
TOM: Gives new meaning to "wanderlust", doesn't it?
> When Julian awoke the next morning,
MIKE: Is that the ONLY way one can possibly begin a paragraph?
> it was find fruit
> and a bowl of water waiting for him.
CROW: And a new squeaky toy on his blanky.
> When he crawled out of
> the hut, he found Alis skinning the animals from the food
> pit.
TOM: I guess that makes her (Superintendent Chalmers) SKINNER!
(MIKE and CROW groan)
> They shared a kiss,
CROW: Even though it was Alis that paid the rent for it.
> then without a word he got to work
> preparing the fire pit, and taking care of the meat, much
> to Alis' approval.
MIKE: You know Alis, she loves a man who can handle his meat. I mean,
she
did have that relationship with Sam the Butcher.
> When she was through skinning them,
TOM: She started skinning Julian.
> she dropped a
> kiss on his head before wandering off,
CROW: (Julian) Ow! That hurt, ya dink!
> to return some hours
> later,
MIKE: With her new boyfriend, Tony the Tiger.
> dragging a huge dead snake larger than the one she'd
> killed to save him.
TOM: Jormungand?
CROW: Vasuki?
> Julian departed to the river to bathe
> while she skinned it.
MIKE: Skinned the river?
TOM: It must be the Hudson.
> She was still skinning it when he
> returned, so he ducked into the hut and sat down on his
> bed, studying the structure considering ways in which he
> could improve it.
MIKE: (Julian) What we need is an arcade.
>
> It was with interest and curiosity that Alis watched
> Julian ducking in and out of the hut, collecting rocks,
> thick sticks, leaves, mud, and water.
TOM: (Alis) I finally found something more fun than watching grass grow!
CROW: That's odd. I'm witnessing the same thing she is, and all I feel
is
a vague sense of ennui.
> Every time she tried
> she made an inquiry about his work, he would shoo her away,
MIKE: Cats are always underfoot.
> so she gave up.
TOM: (Alis) He's more secretive about upcoming projects than Woody
Allen!
> Hanging the snake skin inside out to dry
> she prepared the meat for the fire pit and tossed it in.
CROW: She tossed the meat in the FIRE?
MIKE: I guess they ran out of firewood.
> She was preparing to go off to hunt some more when Julian
> crawled out of the hut, and noticing she was off to hunt
> asked her to look for wood, bark and thin vines for his
> latest project.
TOM: The Alan Parsons Project?
> When she returned she to the hut,
CROW: She returned herself to the hut?
MIKE: No, she returned *She*, AKA de Sade.
TOM: Wrong. She returned the title character from the movie _She_.
> she found him
> sitting on his bed carving points onto strong sticks.
CROW: And listening to Bobby Sherman records.
> Looking around, she couldn't see anything that would give
> her a clue as to what he'd been up to that day.
MIKE: Here's a hint - self service.
> She gave
> him the things he asked for, and was covered in kisses,
TOM: From Julian's Hershey's stash.
> for
> her troubles.
CROW: Which melted like lemon drops.
> One thing lead to another and he made love to
> her with an expertise that had her screaming out in
> pleasure, her nails raking his back.
MIKE: (Julian) Would you mind raking the leaves instead?
> It was then he was
> froze up on her,
TOM: Another Ice Age was starting.
> crying, to pull away and curl up in a
> foetal ball that no amount of stroking and soothing words
> could bring him out of.
CROW: This would take Nestle Qwik, and plenty of it.
> She slunk from the hut to skin the
> animals she'd collected the day before,
MIKE: It's good that she has a hobby.
> while he lay curled
> up in his bed, alone and miserable, cursing the woman who'd
> taken from him the ability to make love with Alis without
> fear.
TOM: (Julian) You'll pay for this, Doctor Ruth!
> Finally, he chose to stop feeling sorry for him, to
> find a way to avoid the reaction Alis' caresses had
> engendered in him and his mind went to his project.
CROW: (Prospero) Must fill, or else my project fails.
> When
> she tried to return to the hut, he shooed her off and told
> her to go bathe,
MIKE: (Julian) I'm glad I use Dial. I wish YOU did!
> and pushed the snake skin into her hands
> telling her to come back with mud and leaves.
TOM: (singing) Come back to me,
Bearing mud and leaves.
Come back to me,
I want you to.
Come back to me,
Bearing mud and leaves.
Come back to me.
> When she did,
> he shooed her off again,
CROW: Love means always having to say "shoo".
> telling her find rocks.
MIKE: (Julian) I lost my pet rock! Get me a new one, mommy!
> When he finally let her back in, once more she could
> find no sign to tell her what he was up too.
TOM: (Alis) Why does he need all these posters of nude musclemen?
> He was once
> more sitting on his bed, carving points onto sticks.
CROW: So he wants to roast marshmallows. Big freakin' deal!
> He now
> had more than two dozen of them.
CROW: Okay, he wants to roast a LOT of marshmallows. It's still no big
deal.
> He asked her to go back
> to collecting large pole like sticks, to make an addition
> to the hut, she shrugged and agreed to do so, and when he
> set his work aside, she tried to join him in bed and was
> firmly told, he didn't want company that night.
MIKE: Maybe Julian is finally blossoming into a young lady.
> So she
> slept alone on her litter.
TOM: (singing) His poor wife was sleeping alone again...
CROW: (Alis) What did I do wrong? I'm getting fat, aren't I?
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. The walls are lined with large stones. There is a wood
and
vine fence in front of the counter. MIKE is behind the counter, wearing
a
sleeveless fur tunic, separate snakeskin sleeves and an apron. He
speaks
as if English is not his first language.]
MIKE: Hello, and welcome to Wimp Can Cook. I am Julian Bashir. Today,
I
show you how to make delicious stir fry. We begin as soon as Alis
get here with meat.
(CROW enters, stage right, with a huge plastic snake around his
shoulders.
MIKE takes the snake.)
MIKE: As you can see, Alis has brought large slither. Nice thing about
dish we will be making is you can make it with any kind of meat.
I
suggest you use wilderbeast if you can get girlfriend to kill one.
Alis never kill wilderbeast, except once to save my life. But
slither will work just fine. Be careful when skinning slither,
because you want to use hide to make legging and sleeve.
(MIKE gets a plate with a big chunk of meat on it from behind the
counter)
MIKE: Alis skinned slither earlier and cut off nice big piece for stir
fry.
Now we julienne it.
(MIKE cuts the meat into thin strips)
MIKE: You want to get some vegetable that you can julienne. Forest have
impressive variety of vegetable, but you should be to find
vegetable
you like wherever you live.
(MIKE gets some weird-looking alien vegetable from behind the counter
and
cuts it into thin strips, then gets some noodles from behind the
counter.)
MIKE: All right, now we put noodle in this pan here. (gestures to
frying
pan) Then we add soy sauce.
(MIKE pours some soy sauce on the noodles)
MIKE: Now all we do is add meat and vegetable and then stir fry. (does
so)
This is nice, simple meal you can make quickly. That is good
thing
for me, because Alis is hungry after hard day of working and beat
me
if she have to wait long for dinner. Join us next time, when I
show
you how to make delicious lemon slither. See you then, and
remember,
if wimp can cook, so can you.
(The yellow light flashes and MIKE hits it)
[Planet Bumper]