MiSTed - Out of the Woods (3/7)
Bill Livingston
>been embalmed;
MIKE: Maybe that SPF 5000 was a little much
> it was a stark contrast to the bright orange
>prison uniform and his jet black hair, trimmed neat.
SERVO: I thought he had a bare head.
MIKE: Minoxidil
>Ice blue eyes weren't hard and calculating, as Scully expected-
>in fact, they seemed rather fearful as Cooper was lead to
>the chair. He shuffled forward, his legs in irons, his arms
>contained in his outfit's built-in straight-jacket.
MIKE: [as Cooper] Diane, I find myself in a strange place,
chained like an animal, and surrounded by guards who would
as soon beat you as look at you. Damn fine coffee, though!
>One guard watched warily as the other strapped Cooper's body
>and head to the chair.
SERVO: "Geez, gimme a hand here, why cantcha?"
CROW: "Sorry, dude, I'm on my break!"
> Mulder entered the observation room, quietly shutting
>the door behind him. Scully did not like the look on his face.
CROW: Yeah, but he was born that way, so what can you do?
> He took a chair and said ominously, "Scully, this
>doesn't look good."
SERVO: So get another chair.
> She gave Cooper a sideways glance. "He looks calm
>enough."
> "That's just it- I think Cooper's back."
MIKE: And we've got him, here on NBC!
> Dr. Leighton harumphed and said patronizingly, "I don't
>think so, Agent Mulder.
SERVO: [sarcasm sequencer] Oh, is the great Dr. Leighton going
to give us his opinion?!?
> Cooper has exhibited this sort of
>behavior before. Believe me, he is as deranged as ever and
>is clever enough to put on this charade.
MIKE: Okay, two words.
SERVO: Eat!
CROW: Taste!
SERVO: Chew!
SERVO: Chomp!
CROW & SERVO: BITE ME!
> Don't let him
>fool you. We've already had one incident here in the past
>week and that's one more than this institution can tolerate."
SERVO: So, that would be, like, none, right?
> Mulder looked at Cooper for a long moment,
MIKE: So you wanna get a burger later or what?
CROW: [as Scully] No, I gotta wash the cat and...
>then turned to face Dr. Leighton. "Doctor, let me perform
>an examination on Cooper."
SERVO: Well-l-l-l, okay, but only if I can watch
> The doctor threw up his hands.
ALL: EEEEWWWWW!!
MIKE: I hope this isn't contagious!
> "Go ahead, you won't
>find any change."
SERVO: Except for that quarter under the seat!
> He glanced at his watch and said archly,
CROW: Arch Hall?
MIKE: Ugh!
>"Cooper hasn't had his latest dosage, so he should be fairly
>lucid this time of day."
CROW: Yeah, but less fun at parties
>
> Mulder and Scully entered the padded room, Mulder
>motioning to Scully to stand back.
SERVO: Stand back?
MIKE: In the middle of the room?
CROW: I did not hear from you...
> Cooper, unable to turn
>his head, followed Mulder's movements with his slightly
>glazed eyes,
MIKE: Slightly glazed eyes actually aren't half-bad.
CROW: Yeah, with a little espresso and honey, mmm!
> but said nothing. Scully watched both men
>carefully, tensed for action.
SERVO: She's ready to rrrrrRRRRRRUMMMMBLLLLLLLLLLEE!!!!
> Mulder stood directly in
>front of Cooper and paused, the sounds of their breathing
>becoming audible in the silence that hung thickly in the
>small room.
SERVO: [Panting]
CROW: "Hello? Hello? Who's there? Hello?"
> Putting his hands in his pockets, Mulder
>shattered the stillness and spoke.
SERVO: "So, still loony as a jaybird or what?"
> "You look like you could use a good cuppa joe."
CROW: Hey, Joe comes in cups now.
> Cooper's eyes came into focus and fixed on Mulder. In
>a raspy but firm voice, Cooper replied.
CROW: [as Katherine Hepburn] Norman, you old poop!
"Special Agent Fox
>Mulder. I knew you would come."
> Mulder permitted himself a small smile, "How are you
>feeling?"
SERVO: Well, let's see, I'm in prison, I've been possessed for the
last five years, I'm strapped in like a Thanksgiving turkey,
HOW THE HECK DO YOU THINK I'M FEELING?!?!?
> "Mulder, what's been happening to me? How long have I
>been in this place?"
MIKE: Since the Republic fell to the forces of the Empire!
> Scully ignored Mulder's gestures to stay back and
>stepped into Cooper's field of vision.
SERVO: I haven't seen a woman in 5 years.
MIKE: Sorry, I'm just an FBI agent.
> "You mean you don't
>remember?"
> Cooper looked questioningly from Scully to Mulder.
SERVO: Well, I know *one* of you’s a woman!
> "She's with me, " Mulder said,
MIKE: And I'm with her.
CROW: And we're so happy together
> and Scully smiled
>slightly to reassure Cooper. "Special Agent Dana Scully."
> "Agent Scully, a pleasure."
SERVO: A pleasure, Agent Scully.
MIKE: Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Uma.
> Cooper's formality belied
>his awkward situation. "I'm glad you're both here. Mulder,
>Bob is no longer within me.
MIKE: He's been copyrighted by Microsoft
> He is on the loose and I've got
>to stop him."
> "Do you know where he is?" Mulder asked.
SERVO: Na, just thought I'd kind of kick around the country on
Bureau expense for a while till I ran across him, y'know?
> Cooper nodded a negative as best he could within the
>head brace.
MIKE: He nodded a negative?
CROW: That must be the opposite of shaking your head yes!
> "No. The people here...they tell me I attacked
>a doctor last week.
CROW: Yeah, he was charging 10 bucks apiece for aspirin!
> I have no memory of this incident,
>therefore I conclude that Bob was the reason behind my
>behavior."
SERVO: Oh, and I suppose anytime anything goes wrong, it's all
Bob's fault, is that it?!?
> Scully narrowed her eyes at his words.
MIKE: Hey, she's turning Japanese.
CROW: Turning Japanese?
MIKE: I really think so.
> "I'm afraid I
>don't believe you. You aren't the first
SERVO: *You told me I was!!*
> criminal mind to
>claim that they were "possessed by evil spirits" when they
>committed their crime.
MIKE: [in southern accent] Hillary, write that down!
> In court, it usually means they're
>insane."
CROW: We *must* be insane to offer prices this low!
> Cooper cocked an eyebrow at Mulder.
SERVO: Look out it may go off!!!
ALL: YAAAAAHHHH!!
> "She's your
>*partner*, Mulder?"
CROW: Well, it's a limited partnership for tax purposes
> Mulder shot Scully a glare. "Cooper, Scully is just
>doing her job.
SERVO: Whatever that is.
> And I've got to do mine.
MIKE: So you want fries with that?
> Cooper, we need
>conformation that you are who you say you are."
SERVO: Fine. I'm George Washington. Here's a buck and a quarter.
> Cooper attempted to nod curtly.
CROW: Can I do a Cobain joke again?
MIKE: Haven't you done enough of those?
SERVO: At least he's not asking to do another George Burns joke.
CROW: Well, it doesn't matter, 'cause Cobain survived, got a sex
change, and became Jamie Lee Curtis.
MIKE: Is that the only newsgroup you read?
CROW: No, I also subscribe to alt.crow.t.robot.worship.worship.worship
MIKE: Figures
> "By all means. Let's
>get this over with Mulder, I've got a killer to apprehend."
SERVO: And a plane to catch!
>
> Scully pulled Mulder outside the chamber, shutting the
>door firmly. Mulder knew that look in her eye.
SERVO: Okay! You get the margarine, I'll find a dwarf!
> He braced
>himself, "Okay Scully, let me have it."
MIKE: I bet she'd give a lot for a pie right now.
CROW: I know I would!
> "Mulder, he was remarkably willing to undergo the
>hypnosis."
MIKE: They're going to use HYPNO-HELIO STATIC STASIS on him.
CROW: My God, call Amnesty International!
> "You find that suspicious?"
> "Don't you? I read the reports, Mulder.
SERVO: There *had* to have been a gunman in the grassy knoll!
> The "Killer
>Bob" could be construed as a schizophrenic projection of
>Cooper's personality; a construction to provide a solution
>to a case he desperately wanted to solve."
SERVO: That's a unique approach to law enforcement: if you can't
find the real crook, confess yourself!
> "What about that fax?"
MIKE: And just the fax.
> Scully shrugged and turned away,
>exasperated. Mulder watched her pace.
CROW: Hey, how'd they get to Daytona?
> "Scully, he wants to
>clear himself. I think he should be given the chance."
SERVO: Let's see, Chance says, "Pay Property Tax of $20". Well,
what will that prove?
> Scully backed Mulder up against the wall.
MIKE: He felt himself melt into the sinewy ripple of her muscles!
> "Even if it
>means finding out you have to lock up your friend in this
>prison again?"
SERVO: Is that wrong?
> Mulder leaned back against the wall with a thump and
>clenched his jaw.
MIKE: Oh, he's trying to be heroic looking
> "Let me tell you something Bob told me
>once.
CROW: He said I should e-mail my friend in Phoenix, and worship
Bill Gates
> He told me how Cooper stayed in the Black Lodge to
>save Annie Blackburn's life.
MIKE: And remember, kids stay *free* at the Black Lodge!
> How Cooper felt he could
>control Bob once in his body. He was wrong.
SERVO: Dead wrong!
> Once
>possessed, Cooper injured nine people, two severely,
CROW: With one out and two on in the bottom of the seventh
> before
>being captured. I believe having one man in a straight-
>jacket stashed five stories underground is preferable to
>having a demented serial killer on the loose, don't you?
>Cooper thought so."
MIKE: [as Shatner] "TheGOOD...oftheMANY...outWEIGH...
thegoodoftheFEW!!"
SERVO: "Or the one!"
> Scully bit her lip and said slowly, "Okay, what do you
>want me to do?"
CROW: Hit the road!
> Mulder put a hand on her shoulder,
CROW: Here they go again!
> "Go into the
>observation room.
SERVO: And observe!
> If Bob is still in Cooper but has found a
>way out, I don't want him meeting you, "
CROW: You're just too darn cute!
> Mulder saw Scully
>about to protest. "No buts, Scully.
CROW: Well then how's she gonna sit down?
MIKE: That's a whole other X-File!
> If I get into trouble
>in there, I'm counting on you to come charging to my
>rescue." He gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Agreed?"
CROW: [as Scully] Dream on, Weirdoid!
> "I'm not the cavalry, Mulder," Scully sighed as she
>yanked open the door to the observation room, "be careful."
SERVO: *Careful*?
MIKE: Sure, he's always careful to get into as much trouble as possible.
> Mulder winked and turned to the other door.
CROW: How many doors are we dealin' with here?
> Perhaps
>today was the day he would find out the truth about what
>happened to Cooper in those woods...
SERVO: There was this bear, see, and...
>
>[Raven Hill Federal Prison. Interrogation chamber 5A]
CROW: [German accent] Zo, you von't talk, eh, Colonel? Bruno, Helmut -
move him closer to ze fire!
> "Tell me where you are, " Mulder asked quietly.
MIKE: Well, he's right there in front of you. Duh!
>He knew that behind the two-way mirror, Scully was watching
>them closely and listening to his voice,
SERVO: [announcer] on WRSA, beautiful music, all the time.
> muffled through the
>intercom. Cooper's head lolled sideways, his eyes closed in
>the trance.
SERVO: SNORRRRRRE!
MIKE: Whoooooh!
CROW: Eh-bee-bee-bee-bee!
> At Mulder's question, it raised slowly. Cooper
>spoke with clarity.
> "I'm in a room with red curtains."
CROW: And it just CRIES out for some fuscia carpeting
> "Is anything happening?" Mulder kept his tone even and
>free from emotion.
CROW: Well, there's not much happening then!
SERVO: Maybe it's a Young Republicans mixer.
> Cooper frowned and seemed agitated.
CROW: Now he's a washing machine.
MIKE: Kenmore - solid at Sears!
> "There's...someone...chasing..."
SERVO: It's a hunter - My God, I'm Bambi's mother!
> Mulder's cheek twitched. "Is someone chasing you?"
> Cooper's body relaxed suddenly. "No...I was being
>chased but now...I chase him."
CROW: That's the plot of 90% of all the Bugs Bunny cartoons ever
MIKE: [singing] Kiw the agent, kiw the agent, kiw the agent,
yo-ho-ho-ho-o-o-h!!
> Mulder wiped his palms on his knees. "Who are you?"
SERVO: [as Clint] Call me nobody, mister!
> "Dale Cooper."
> "Who are you chasing, Dale?"
CROW: The Road Runner
SERVO: Rainbows
MIKE: Kathy Ireland
SERVO: Grr-r-r-r-r!
> "It's...me." Cooper's body tensed and became alert.
>"Where's Annie?"
SERVO: Over there, next to Waldo.
> Mulder felt his shoulders slump in defeat
>at Cooper's outburst. He rubbed his lip,
CROW: And a genie appeared
> reluctant to try
>the next step, but knowing he had no other choice.
> "Cooper, let me speak with Bob."
SERVO: "I'm sorry sir, but there is no listing for a "Bob" here"
> "Can't...find him."
MIKE: Well, I'll settle for Carol, Ted, or Alice.
> "Why not?"
> "Chased... but lost him in the Light."
CROW: Bob's a fly ball at Wrigley Field?
> "Light?" Mulder leaned in closer. "Cooper, this is
>very important. Did you go into the light?"
> Cooper sucked in a long breath. "Yeeeess,"
SERVO: Ho-ho-ho, you are correct, sir!
> Cooper
>exhaled, a smile forming on his lips. Mulder let out the
>breath he found himself holding and shot a look over his
>shoulder into the mirror.
SERVO: Gotta remember - need more Brylcream!
> "Dale, where are you now?"
> "I'm not in the Red Room anymore."
CROW: I'm at the Comedy Barn June 2-4, and then in Milwaukee at
Laughing Jack's the week of the 26th.
> "Are you alone?"
> "I am now," Cooper replied,
MIKE: Oh, thanks a lot!
> and Mulder let himself be
>satisfied with that answer, even though the hardest test was
>yet to come.
CROW: Multiple choice.
> "Now listen carefully, Dale, Dale..."
CROW: Must be related to John-John
SERVO: From Walla-Walla.
> Cooper's head
>had begun to fall to one side and Mulder took it in his
>hands.
SERVO: Alas, poor Yorick!
> Mulder, with a slightly maniacal glint to his eyes
MIKE: This shouldn't surprise anyone familiar with this show
>said huskily, "Dale. The owls are not what they seem.
>Fire, walk with me."
MIKE: "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!"
SERVO: "L.S.M.F.T."
CROW: "The Squab is in the Hole"
> Cooper frowned at Mulder's words-
SERVO: That tune was, like, out of sight, but the lyrics are strictly
nowheresville, man!
> Mulder had a feeling
>that Scully was probably frowning also, somewhere behind
>that glass- and did not respond.
MIKE: What *could* you say to that?
CROW: The owls are *so* what they seem.
> Mulder brought Cooper out of his trance, both men
>sweating and spent from the ordeal.
CROW: They've been spent?
MIKE: Gimme 100 grand in unmarked Mulders!
> Mulder gave Coop a
>reassuring nod and sought out Scully.
SERVO: For questioning
> Mulder burst into the observation room to find Scully
SERVO: A putrid and...
MIKE: Two words: "Upside Down"
>seated and calm. He could barely contain his optimism. "Did
>you see? Bob wasn't there..."
CROW: It worked.
ALL: [listlessly] Yaa-a-ay.
> Scully crossed her arms and promptly interjected,
SERVO: I hope she cleaned it up.
MIKE: Maybe she should go to some kind of clinic.
> "I'm
>not quite sure what I saw. What was that last mumbo-jumbo
>about?"
CROW: Don't ask me, *I* didn't write this.
> "Bob could *never* resist emerging once those phrases
>were said aloud. He's gone, Scully."
CROW: So just because he utters the magic phrase and the guy doesn't
start making like Charlie Manson, Joe Friday here thinks he's cured?
MIKE: It's that new technique they've been working on
CROW: Yeah, "Don't investigate, be happy"!
> Mulder could see
>Scully teetering on the precipice of doubt and acceptance,
>the familiar mixture of excitement and hesitation playing
>across her features.
MIKE: Yes! No! Maybe! Wait!
> He had a feeling she wouldn't let the
>journey end now, when they had gone this far.
CROW: Actually, Journey hasn't recorded an album in a while now.
> With more
>than a little hope, Mulder watched Scully weigh the facts in
>her mind, thoughts flickering rapidly behind those deep
>green-gray eyes.
CROW: [as Scully] Milk, eggs, panty hose, toothpaste...
> When she finally looked up at him, he saw
>her take the leap.
CROW: [as Dean Stockwell] Okay, Sam, Ziggy says you're now an
Agent Scully with the FBI, and you gotta get Cooper out so he can
find this "Bob".
MIKE: I think we're getting close to crossover overload!
> "Where do we go from here?"
SERVO: [singing] Now that all of the children are growing up?
> Mulder felt the next move was obvious and threw up his
>hands in a broad gesture,
CROW: Now he's power-puking!
MIKE: Maybe it's a virus.
> "We get him out of here."
> Scully nodded curtly and unfolded her arms, "Good idea.
>He'll need to be certified,
CROW: *All * these people need to be certified!
> a whole psychiatric workup,
>arrangements will have to be made for escorts,
>accommodations.
SERVO: Accommodations for all guests of Ravenwood provided by
Omni Hotels.
> I suggest that he gets a thorough medical
>examination as well to assess his condition before he goes
>traipsing after bogeymen.
SERVO: Say, I like that phrase. "Traipsing After Bogeymen".
MIKE: Yeah it sounds like an alternative band.
> It looks like he's lost a lot of
>weight..."
MIKE: Stop the Insanity!
CROW: Hey, know what you call a weight-loss guru who sulks a lot?
A Susan Pouter! Heh-heh-heh!
SERVO: Kill him.
> Mulder was already moving when Scully grabbed him.
CROW: Then a Union Pacific train ran them both over.
MIKE: Remember, kids: NEVER grab a moving mulder: use gentle
pressure!
>"Hey, wait a minute! Where do you think you're going?"
ALL: I'M GOIN' TO DISNEYLAND!!
> Mulder gently pried her fingers off of his arm.
SERVO: Gentle Pressure!
> "When
>I said I was getting Cooper out of here Scully, I meant I
>was getting him out right now."
SERVO: Now means now!
MIKE: No means no!
CROW: Ni means Ni!
> He continued walking, ready
>for the burst of protest that was to surely follow. Mulder
>stopped walking when he glanced to his side to find Scully
>pacing him.
CROW: And as they enter the 43rd lap, the pace agent is back on
the track here at Talledega.
> He looked at her with impatience, "What? No
>quoting of FBI regulations? No angry stomping of little
>feet?"
CROW: [as Scully] But I don't *wanna* investigate the paranormal and
unexplained!!
MIKE: Y'know, for a '90's show, that's a real '50's 'tude!
> Scully, scintillating with a remarkable show of
>restraint,
SERVO: Scully, you're...you're positively *scintillating*!
CROW: Ask me why I'm knitting a little tiny holster!
> slowly arched a brow, firmly placing an index
>finger on his chest,
CROW: I wonder how much Bondo these clowns go through
> and replied low and seething, "You are
>completely out of line here, Mulder. I'll have you know
>that right now.
MIKE: Oh, like he didn't already know!
> But I also know you when you're like this
>and no matter what I say, you'd try to get him out of here
>anyway so I'm saving my breath."
SERVO: For a rainy day.
> Mulder took a step closer to Scully, who didn't give a
>millimeter, pushed back on her chest with his own finger,
MIKE: Hey, he's feeling her up!
ALL: BOO!!
>and said with utter conviction, "I believe him."
CROW: So what does THAT prove?
SERVO: Yeah, he believes in little green men and giant blood-sucking
worms, too!
MIKE: Uh, I hate to point this out, but he's usually right.
> Her eyes crackled
SERVO: Uh, wasn't she scintillating a minute ago, and now she's crackling?
CROW: LOOK OUT, SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!
[All duck down in their chairs]
> with a mixture of concern and
>defiance as they met his. "Fine. I'm going along to see if
>anybody else will."
[All rise]
CROW: Boy that was a close call.
MIKE: Thank goodness for the unexploded Scully squad!
> They stood there with arms crossed for a long minute,
>locked in opposition, neither wanting to yield before the
>other.
SERVO: Yield before me, Green Knight!
CROW: Nay, thou shalt yield before me!
> Mulder watched Scully's upper lip twitch and could
>feel her heart pounding under his finger, along with the
>rise and fall of her breaths.
CROW: Must be a typo.
SERVO: Yeah, I bet that wasn't *all* that was rising and falling!
MIKE: Honestly, I can't take you two anywhere.
> Mulder felt his lips twist
>with amusement as he looked pointedly at where his finger
>was positioned and Dana caved in immediately
ALL: YA-A-AHH!!
MIKE: Geez, Mulder didn't know his own strength!
CROW: That or her warranty just expired.
> with a small
>smile, swinging her head close to Mulder's chest, almost
>pausing to rest her forehead there.
SERVO: Uh...
CROW: Mike, is that supposed to signify something?
MIKE: Not unless she's secretly a drinky-bird.
> Their hands dropped
>simultaneously and the tension dissipated. "I'll also try
>and help," Dana finished.
MIKE: Yeah, good thing all that tension dissipated: I was nearly
ready to bust a gut!
> Mulder knew how much trust Scully was investing in him
SERVO: At eight & a quarter percent interest.
>and he felt it- allowed it- to warm his soul, opening doors
>within that he had thought sealed shut long ago.
MIKE: For God's sake, *DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!*
> He bowed
>slightly and gestured with his hand,
CROW: Hey, that wasn't nice!
> "After you." Scully
>turned, but not before Mulder caught the flicker of a smile
>that passed across her face as he fell into step beside her.
SERVO: [in cadence] I don't know but I've been told..
MIKE & CROW: I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD...
SERVO: This sexual tension plot's real old!
MIKE & CROW: THIS SEXUAL TENSION PLOT'S REAL OLD!
>
> "Trent, you've got to tell Warden Eggart. Here,"
SERVO: Well, you won't believe who I saw at the market with a new
boyfriend...
>Mulder gratefully handed over the phone to Eggart and let
>the two men hash out the details of Cooper's release.
CROW: Okay, you get Cooper, and we get your third and fourth round
draft choices and an agent to be named later.
>The whole procedure was highly irregular,
MIKE: That's a shock.
> and Mulder was going
>over a couple of heads by contacting Trent,
SERVO: He's SUPER-MULDER
> but it meant
>having Cooper out of Raven Hill that day instead of
>months. By the way Eggart was nodding at the phone, it
>looked like they would be successful.
CROW: Hey, don't nod at the phone so loud!
> Mulder turned to
>Scully, who was seated and frowning with disbelief at the
>accelerated activity. She murmured, "I don't know how you
>get away with these things, Mulder, and I'm almost afraid to
>ask."
SERVO: He got them on an episode of "Red Shoe Diaries",
so they owed him a few big favors"
> "Trent has a good reputation down here; half these
>inmates are probably in here because of him, directly or
>indirectly. That's why I went to him from the beginning.
MIKE: That and he owed me ten bucks.
>We'll have Cooper released into our custody and have the
>paperwork drawn up right now.
SERVO: He's AKC registered
> Why don't you go tell him the
>good news?"
CROW: The new Phonebooks are here! The new Phonebooks are here!
> "Sure," she said neutrally, pushing herself up by
SERVO: Her bootstraps
>the armrests of her chair. She got up reluctantly,
>straightened her posture,
CROW: Fox and Mulder: the FBI's Posture King and Queen!
> and headed back to Cooper's
>chamber, leaving Mulder to fend for himself.
SERVO: Oh no, he'll starve!
MIKE: Don't worry, mulders left to fend for themselves can survive on
berries and grubs for up to four weeks.
>
> "Who's there?" he asked when the door was opened, the
>strength of his voice causing Dana's eyebrows to rise.
MIKE: Boy, he's got some set of lungs.
CROW: So does she.
MIKE: Crow!
>She stepped to his side, arms folded.
SERVO: Hey, neat, folding side-arms!
> "Agent Scully. You're being released into our custody;
>Mulder believes that you are free from Bob."
CROW: Now get your very own FBI agent, free from BOB.
SERVO: Shouldn't that be THE BOB(c)?
> Scully saw
>some color come into Cooper's wan countenance and he even
>began to smile.
SERVO: He wet 'em.
> "Fox Mulder is one of the best."
CROW: Does anyone else think its just the eensiest bit suspicious that
Mulder's first name is "Fox"?
MIKE: Yeah, if he'd been on another network, he'd have had three first names SERVO: Oh, sorta like Nathaniel Birnbaum Cornwallis Mulder?
MIKE: Or Algernon Bruce Cabot Mulder?
SERVO: Or Clarence Birdseye Shanahan Mulder?
CROW: Or Comedy Central Mulder?
MIKE: You're self-referencing again.
> Scully's face screwed into something unreadable.
ALL: YUUUCK!!
>"He has his moments," she admitted.
SERVO: "Precious Moments"
> Cooper looked at Dana with the wide-eyed openness and
>wonder of a child. "He has special gifts, Dana."
MIKE: He brings me "Power Rangers" and "VR Trooper" action figures!
> Up to this point, Dana hadn't noticed anything
>outstandingly unusual about Dale Cooper.
SERVO: HUH? Hello, Earth to Scully!
> But now, here she
>found herself speaking to a bound and chained suspected mass
>murderer,
CROW: I thought he was just accused of beating up some people.
MIKE: Oh, pick, pick, pick!
> who acted as if he was in his living room instead
>of a federal prison, admiring Mulder's eccentricities and
>now, calling her by her first name. It was just too much.
SERVO: *That's* for sure!
> "Scully," she told him, causing Cooper to raise his
>brow. Scully laughed a little self-consciously, "I...I even
>make Mulder call me Scully."
MIKE: Yeah, except when you make him call you "Nurse Olga"
> "Scully, Mulder is one of the few people I've known who
>is not afraid to question the infinite possibilities of the
>universe. He is Touched;
[All Snicker]
CROW: Yeah, in the head.
> unique. You should trust him
>more."
MIKE: Well, thanks for the advice, Nutley.
> Cooper paused then said steadily, "Mulder will be
>here in one minute."
SERVO: [announcer] At the tone, it will be one minute to Mulder.
> Scully opened and shut her mouth, speechless, when
>right on cue, a guard entered with jangling keys,
SERVO: [singing] I've got keys, that jingle jangle jingle.
> Mulder
>close on his heels.
[All do dog noises]
> "Yeah, he's touched all right." Scully mumbled to no
>one in particular, but looking from Cooper to Mulder,
>"Right in the head."
CROW: HEY!!
SERVO: Can she do that?
CROW: Maybe we can sue for reverse plagiarism
MIKE: Or assault with a blindingly obvious set-up!
> Mulder crouched down close to Cooper, a smile on his
>face, as the guards began unbinding him.
CROW: Let's see, zipper, key, combination, snap, then cut the
shrink wrap, lift the pull tab, line up the little arrows...
> Scully couldn't
>help but be a little nervous as Cooper's arms and legs were
>freed from their restraints. Cooper stood, slowly,
>stretching his back and arms.
MIKE: Ah, a little nap does a world of good.
> He lost his balance and arms
>pin wheeling, fell into Mulder's steady hands.
CROW: Let's see, that's a 9.6, a 9.8, a 9.6, a 9.5, a 9.9, and a 9.2
> "Whoa there, sport.
MIKE: Easy, big fella, easy.
CROW: [Does horse sounds]
> Scully and I are taking you to the
>nearest hospital to have you checked out. So take it easy."
SERVO: Wouldn't there be, like, a hospital or infirmary or something
already in the prison?
CROW: You're thinking logically again.
SERVO: Yeah, that never works on these shows.
> Cooper, although obviously weak, maintained the firm
>no-nonsense tone in his voice as he tried to straighten up.
SERVO: He's talking about pantyhose?
MIKE: Well, he HAS been in prison for five years!
>"Very well. I put myself in your hands. You two can fill
>me in on what has occurred in my...absence."
CROW: The OJ trial is still goin' on
> Mulder shook his head, bemused at Cooper's show of
>tenacity and took one of his arms as Scully took his other
CROW: I guess you could say he's been disarmed, heh heh, yeah.
>and between the two of them, helped Cooper out the door.
SERVO: If you ever want to see your arms again, follow us!
>
> Desert nights were cold, and Scully shuddered in the
>darkness, wrapping her coat tighter around her shoulders.
MIKE: Until she cut off all circulation to her head.
>It certainly was unnerving to have gone underground in
>daylight only to emerge in darkness.
SERVO: Scully just hasn't mastered this whole diurnal cycle thing.
> The crowded jeep
>rumbled towards Watmok Mercy Hospital- in the back seat
>Mulder was bringing Cooper up to speed
CROW: [as Scully] What are you two doing back there? Stop that!
Oh, that's disgusting!
> while Scully sat in
>front and mulled over their current situation. She had a
>hunch of her own
SERVO: That's why she wears those orthopedic bras.
> that she wanted to follow up once they
>reached the hospital. The two men were discussing the
>possible origins of the fax
MIKE: Canon!
SERVO: No, no, it was Ricoh!
> and the possibility that Bob had
>not found another host
SERVO: He's going to possess David Letterman
CROW: Well, that goes a long way towards explaining that perform-
ance at the Oscars!
> but was ranging freely,
MIKE: This establishment only uses free-range Bobs.
> perhaps in
>electronic circuitry. Scully felt there was a more obvious
>solution,
CROW: Like hydrogen peroxide.
> one that she didn't want to discuss with Mulder
>while Cooper was present.
MIKE: [whispering] He's nuttier than a fruitcake!
> Until she could confer with
>Mulder, she would keep a close eye on Dale Cooper.
>
> Mulder and Cooper threw ideas back and forth just like
>old times.
MIKE: 29! 37! 15! Hut hut hut!
CROW & SERVO: I'm open! Me! Me!
> Mulder thought Cooper looked a bit weak, tired,
>but otherwise it was the same old Cooper.
CROW: He's hangin' with Mr. Cooper.
> He glanced
>towards the front of the car;
SERVO: Oh my God, where's the driver?!?!?
> Scully's been very quiet,
>Mulder thought.
MIKE: Yeah, *too* quiet!
> She hadn't quite taken a shine to Cooper
>yet,
SERVO: Geez, she's only known Cooper a few hours, and Mulder
wants her to clean his shoes!
> but Mulder knew she'd come around.
CROW: Isn't that that Green Day song?
MIKE: You mean "Sex Pistols Lite"
SERVO: Yeah, it's pretty bad when an American group tries to
be cool by *singing* with a British accent
> Cooper only needed
>a chance to work his charms.
CROW: [sings] Cooper's Wondrous Charms
SERVO & MIKE: They're magically delicious!
> For a heartbeat, that thought
>stabbed at Mulder,
[All make sounds like the "Psycho" shower scene]
> but he pushed it aside and concentrated
>on the work at hand; finding Bob.
SERVO: Ooh, that sounds like a movie title: "Finding Bob"
CROW: Yeah, like "Losing Isaiah"
MIKE: Or "Killing Zoe"
CROW: Or "Creeping Terror"
MIKE: I'm going to have to ask you not to mention that again.
SERVO: Let's get outta here [all leave]
[Commercials 1) How about British Stuff? Thwack!
2) Mentos, the Freshmaker!! NOOOO-O-O-O-O-O!!!!
3) The fershlugginer Sparta School of Aviation!
Bill L.
Not "Mr X". No, really, I'm not. Honest!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now in 2 delicious flavors:
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