[MiSTing] "Responses from Other Networks"
gad...@angelfire.com
R e s p o n s e s f r o m O t h e r N e t w o r k s
---------------------------------------------------------
A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly
gad...@angelfire.com
Published March 30, 1999
Dedicated to the efforts of MST3K fans who have taken
it upon themselves to try and find a new port for the
satellite they love. Thanks, guys. And good luck.
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In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere in TV land,
The series M-S-T-3-K
May finally disband.
It's lasted for a ten-year run,
Inventive, clever, and good fun,
And 'though it developed a great fan base
The ratings weren't the best so Sci-Fi stranded it in space.
(Pick -- us -- uuuuuuuuup!)
Now no more cheesy movies
To Mike will be fed. (lalala)
Sci-Fi'll still show bad films of course
But now they'll be un-MiSTed. (lalala)
Recall Best Brains could not control
Where the show would air or when. (lalala)
That went to program executives
With the IQ's of a hen.
Station rollcall:
KTMA (Hey, I was first!)
Comedy Central (We hate you guys!)
Sci-Fi Channel (We're different!)
Next? Who knoooows?
If you're wondering how you'll eat or breathe
Without your weekly fix, (lalala)
Start working on those write-in campaigns
Or devise some other tricks --
To save Mystery Science Theater, 3000 .... [Guitar twang.]
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
[Satellite of Love, bridge. No one is there. Every piece
of equipment has a moving label stuck to it. After a few
moments, Mike enters and notices the labels.]
MIKE: Dohhh! Oh my God, so soon? This is terrible!
[Calls] Crow, Servo, where are you guys?
[Crow and Tom enter to either side of Mike. Crow has
a label stuck on his beak, and Tom has one on his head
bubble.]
MIKE: Oh, no! Not you guys, too!
CROW: Yep. You know, this is *so* embarrassing.
TOM: Yeah. I'd be tempted to rip this thing off --
if my arms worked, anyway.
MIKE: What about Gypsy? Where's she?
TOM: She's lashed herself to the ship's wheel like
the Demeter's captain in _Dracula_.
CROW: She said she's determined to go down with the
satellite.
MIKE: What a brave lass! We'd better check with
the Castle and see where we stand with those
fan write-in campaigns. [He hits Pearl's
communication light.]
[Castle Forrester. A desk sits in the middle of the room,
a computer atop it. Observer is sitting, working the computer,
staring at the screen. Pearl is standing behind him,
looking over his shoulder, also at the screen. Bobo sits
on the other side of the desk, reading a newspaper, with other
newspapers scattered on the floor around him.]
OBSERVER: I don't understand it, there's not an employment
advertisement for omnipotent entities or
megalomaniacal sadists anywhere -- at least none
that don't require a college degree.
PEARL: Man, you'd think they'd give you credit for what you've
accomplished in life, wouldn't you?
BOBO: Yeah, I'm having about the same luck. Although I do
see an ad here from a newspaper publisher. It's a
temp position for a columnist to fill in while Pat
Buchanan runs for President in 2000. They say they
want a Neanderthal, but if I shave I think I might
be able to pass. Do you mind if I borrow your
Lady Gillette, Lawgiver?
PEARL: With that coarse and mangy mane of yours? In your
dreams! But there's an old Epilady in the bathroom
cabinet you can use. Go knock yourself out.
BOBO: [Getting up from chair and dropping paper] Thank
you, Lawgiver, thank you! [Exits while Pearl
waves away his thanks dismissively.]
OBSERVER: Aha! Here's something! It's an ad for someone
to work at one of those psychic hotlines.
I think that if we can devise a way to combine
my mental abilities with your physical
appearance, we might be able to share the
position!
PEARL: Well, that sounds promis -- HEY!
OBSERVER: [With combination of contriteness and fear] Oh, I'm sorry,
Pearl, I didn't mean to -- [Starts to turn towards her and
notices Mike and the bots on the viewscreen. Grateful for
the interruption, he greets them] Ah, Michael and
company! How good of you to join us!
[SoL]
MIKE: [Anxiously] Hey, you guys aren't giving up on the show
already, are you?
[CF]
OBSERVER: Well, we, uh --
PEARL: [Turning toward the viewscreen] Sorry, my star-crossed
guinea pigs, but sometimes you have to face reality.
It's a cold, cruel galaxy out there. All TV shows
get canceled eventually -- well, except for certain
soaps, of course. But let's face it, Mike, you're
no Eric Braeden and I'm no Diedra Hall.
OBSERVER: HA!
[Pearl's eyes narrow and she angrily stares down at Observer, who
quickly fakes a couple of loud coughs and pounds on his chest.]
OBSERVER: Oh, excuse me, those chilidogs I ate for lunch must
be talking back!
[SoL]
MIKE: But what about our fans and those letter writing
campaigns?
TOM & CROW: Yeah!
[CF]
PEARL: Oh, bless their bleeding little hearts, they've been trying.
But Sci-Fi's not retreating yet and as for the other
networks -- well, some of their responses have been posted
at a web page -- mst3kinfo something-or-other --
OBSERVER: "http://www.mst3kinfo.com/satnews/saveshow.html."
PEARL: [Somewhat annoyed at being interrupted] Thank you
*so* much for that Internet fact, Mr. Web. Well,
Brain Guy, since you're so on-the-ball, why don't
you go ahead and forward those responses to the
satellite so they can see for themselves?
OBSERVER: Certainly, madam. [Looks at computer screen and
moves his head about for a moment while "brain noise"
plays.] There. They're on their way.
[SoL]
[Alarms blare and lights flash.]
ALL: AHHHHHHH! We've got -- reject sign?
*...6...5...4...3...2...o...
[Theater]
[Mike enters theater carrying Tom, followed by Crow. Mike sits and
places Tom in the seat to his left as Crow sits to Mike's right.]
> ...
>
>AMC ***
CROW: So we're an "American Movie Classic" now?
MIKE: I imagine we are -- in a sense --
TOM: So are _Refer Madness_ and _Glen or Glenda_ -- in a
sense.
>Reported by "Samuels" <sam...@bullitt.net>
MIKE: Hey, thanks, Samuels.
CROW: "Bullitt Net." Isn't that a new multi-billion dollar
defense project?
>
>Thank you for your interest in AMC. Your request for ''Mystery
>Science Theater 3000'' has been forwarded to the AMC Acquisitions
>Department.
TOM: Where it will be handled by Melanie Griffith and Harrison Ford.
> Thank you for watching American Movie Classics.
CROW: So if we get this job, we'll be seeing films like _Patton_ and
_The Grapes of Wrath_? I've seen them listed on AMC.
MIKE: More likely _13 Ghosts_ and _Reptilicus_. I've seen *them*
listed on AMC, too.
TOM: [As Henry Fonda] Yes, wherever they show bad movies, we'll be
there; wherever John Agar spouts his dialog, we'll be there;
wherever Bert I. Gordon directs a colossal turkey -- or a
film *about* a colossal turkey -- we'll be there; wherever --
MIKE: Okay, Tom, okay, we get it.
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A&E
CROW: [As Peter Graves] Tonight on _Biography_, the story of
a wayward satellite and its crew's voyages through the
vast and unfathomable mysteries of the workings of cable
television.
>Reported by MST3K4EVER <darknes...@hotmail.com>
TOM: You know, I appreciate the effort, and I like the pseudonym,
but I can't help but wish that the email address had been a
bit more optimistic.
>
>Thank you for your recent letter regarding programming on A&E.
>
>While there are no plans to acquire the broadcast rights to
>"Mystery Science Theater 3000",
ALL: Booooooooooooooooooo!
> we certainly keep your comments
>in mind as we acquire future programming for A&E.
ALL: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
> Viewer
>correspondence is the best way for us to know what subjects
>interest our viewers.
MIKE: Okay, fans, he asked for it -- fire away!
TOM: But send real letters -- any dimwit can ship off a quick
email.
CROW: Hey, I use email for correspondence like this all the
time!
TOM: See what I mean?
CROW: Hey!
MIKE: Come on, guys, calm down. We've got to hang together.
CROW: You're really choking us up, Mike.
TOM: Let's get back to the A&E note and see if there's any good
noose or if the guy's just stringing us along.
MIKE: Oh, God, why do I even try?
> Be assured that we will continue to try
>and acquire comparable material,
CROW: Oh, yeah, we should fit comfortably between _Law and Order_
and _Sherlock Holmes Mysteries_.
MIKE: But you gotta remember, this is also the station that's
shown films like Michael Caine's _The Hand_.
CROW: Hummmm -- I guess we *would* almost be doing a public service
by riffing stuff like *that*.
> especially programs likely to
>attract viewers appreciative as yourself.
MIKE: I can't tell if he's kissing up or being patronizing.
>
>We appreciate your support.
TOM: Thank you, Frank Bartles.
>
>Cordially,
>
>Viewer Relations
>212.210.1340
CROW: Ah, yes, a cordial, personal touch from Mr. Relations.
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>
>BRAVO
TOM: Bravo! Bravo! Encore!
MIKE: No, Tom, "Encore" is another channel.
TOM: Oh. Has someone written *them* yet?
MIKE: Good question. I don't know.
>Reported by Ryan K. Kelly <rke...@sas.upenn.edu>
CROW: All right! We've got the Ivy League behind us!
TOM: Now *there* was a letter that I think we can safely assume
was as literate as it was passionate.
>
>Thank you for contacting Bravo, the Film and Arts Network.
TOM: Then shouldn't they be FAN? Or F&A? Or --
MIKE: Tom, please.
>
>We were sorry to hear that Sci-Fi Channel is not renewing
>Mystery Science Theater 3000 for another season.
CROW: Probably because now Sci-Fi might put up some
*real* competition.
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: Oops! Sorry!
>
>Presently, this program does not fit into our programming format.
MIKE: Yeah, I think we're looking at a classic square peg/round
hole situation here.
CROW: And God knows we've dealt with enough round holes in
our day.
>We have forwarded your request to our programming department for
>future consideration.
TOM: Hopefully the drop-box for the programming department
isn't that circular metal thing sitting beside the desk.
>
>Thank you for your interest in Bravo.
MIKE: Hey, buddy, if there's a steady paycheck, we'll be
interested in anything you tell us to be.
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>
>TBS
CROW: Ah, Total Bull Sh--
MIKE & TOM: CROW!
CROW: Oops again! Ha-ha! I meant -- The Best Station!
TOM: [Whispering] Nice recovery.
CROW: [Whispering back] Thanks.
>Posted on rec.arts.tv.misc.mst3k by Roberta <hec...@ix.netcom.com>
TOM: You go, Roberta, and don't let them give you any flak!
Ha-ha! Get it -- "Roberta" -- "Flak" --
MIKE: Roberta, if you're reading this, thank you very much,
and I apologize for Tom's corny comment.
TOM: Hey!
>
>We appreciate your suggestion regarding the series, Mystery
>Science Theater 3000. Our mission is to become your first choice
>for entertainment on television.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah, cut to the chase.
>
>We always want to encourage your viewing experience on some level
>and help you find and enjoy your favorite programming.
CROW: He sounds like a TV guidance counselor.
TOM: Guys, I feel a big "However" coming on.
MIKE: Yeah, me too.
CROW: Ditto.
> However,
ALL: AHA!
> we
>are unable to add any additional series at this time. All TBS
>Superstation series have been acquired through 2004.
TOM: 2004?! Good grief, real networks can't stick with set
programming for a month straight and Turner has things
plotted out to 2004?!
> Your ideas
>and opinions are important to us, and we regret that we cannot
>fulfill your request.
MIKE: Not as regretful as us, fella.
>
>Thanks for watching TBS Superstation, the cable network watched
>by more viewers than any other.
CROW: But only because the Playboy Channel isn't basic cable.
TOM: [Whispering to Mike] Has someone written the Playboy Channel
yet?
MIKE: [Whispering back] Good question. I don't know.
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------
>
>If you've received a reply from another television network concerning
>MST3K, please forward a copy of it to us at sav...@mst3kinfo.com.
MIKE: Well, I suppose that's it.
TOM: Yeah, let's go.
CROW: I guess there's nothing from QVC yet, huh?
[Mike picks up Tom and they exit theater.]
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
[SoL bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow enter.]
TOM: They weren't overwhelmingly positive, were they?
MIKE: On the other hand, the A&E response looked like there *might*
be some hope there.
CROW: Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if the show were introduced by
the *real* Jack Perkins?
MIKE: I'm to the point where I'd settle for Elvira.
TOM: Me too. Oh, and speaking of witches --
MIKE: Oh, yeah. [Hits Pearl's communication light.] Hey,
thanks for forwarding those letters, Mrs. Forrester.
[CF. Observer is still at the computer, and Pearl still
looking over his shoulder.]
PEARL: Yeah, no problem. We might as well get as much
up to you as we can in the time we have left.
BOBO: [Offstage, presumably in the bathroom] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
What the hell kind of gadget is this "Epilady"?!
OBSERVER: [As he and Pearl try to ignore Bobo] In the mean-
time, we were just reviewing some of the "Save MST3K"
sites.
BOBO: OOOOOOOOOOOOUCH! Who made this thing? Where's that box
it was in ...
PEARL: Yeah, there's some interesting stuff out there. What
page is that that lists them again?
BOBO: ISRAEL? This painstick came from ISRAEL?!
OBSERVER: "http://www.mst3kinfo.com/satnews/saveshow.html."
In fact, the whole mst3kinfo.com site is full of
useful information.
PEARL: Yeah, it's better than the Sci-Fi channel's official
MST3K page, which was one of that site's most popular
sections. Not that Sci-Fi apparently gives a rat's --
BOBO: First they buy Congress, then they drag the U.S. into the
Gulf War, and now they ship things like this over to
torture women and people?! It's a conspiracy, I tell ya,
a dad-blamed conspiracy! You just can't trust them!
[Pearl turns angrily and faces offstage, presumably toward Bobo.]
PEARL: HEY! Enough with the diatribe, Hair-brain, or I'll show
you some REALLY painful uses for that Epilady! I have
some friends that live in Israel!
BOBO: I'm sorry, Lawgiver, it's just that this unemployment
fear is bringing out some weird latent prejudices --
PEARL: Well, scapegoating never helped anything. I'm in the same
boat and you don't hear me making broad bigoted statements,
do you?
BOBO: No, Lawgiver -- I'm sorry, Lawgiver --
[Pearl turns away and shakes her head in disgust.]
PEARL: [Muttering] Damned 26th century simians are all idiots.
OBSERVER: [Speaking quietly] Er -- perhaps. But you know, listening
to Bobo just then, it sounded like, although I doubt he
could replace Buchanan as a writer, he might have a shot at
a job on his election staff. Perhaps we should help him
get one? It would ease our own burden.
PEARL: Hummmm -- naaah. I'd hate to expose him to that type of
influence. For now, we'd better keep him here with us.
[Observer ponders Pearl's words for a few moments, and then nods
in agreement.]
[Fade out. Roll credits and play closing theme.]
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| |
| Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters |
| and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best |
| Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to |
| be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. |
| Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment |
| purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- |
| marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. |
| This post is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon |
| the original advertisers or other persons or characters presented, |
| and is meant only as entertainment and commentary. |
| |
8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8
(In lieu of a stinger)
>If you've received a reply from another television network concerning
>MST3K, please forward a copy of it to us at sav...@mst3kinfo.com.
-----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==----------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own
Joe Blevins
>
> R e s p o n s e s f r o m O t h e r N e t w o r k s
> ---------------------------------------------------------
>
> A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly
> gad...@angelfire.com
> Published March 30, 1999
>
"Joel says when ya got lemons, ya make lemonade."
Great misting.
--Joe--