MSTed: Dahell Kind Of Scam

[Jeffrey Johnson]

The SOL: Tom and Crow are against a black background, facing each
other, still.

Moments pass...

Dr. Forrester (In Deep 13): Hello, Artoo, hello Threepio. Where's Laika?

Tom and Crow remain still.

Dr. F: Perhaps he finally deprogrammed them. Mike! Where are you?
Miiiiike!

Mike (off screen while Tom and Crow move not): I'm indisposed, Dr.
Forrester!

Dr. F: (mumbling) If he's up to something... (to Mike) Well, finish up!
I'm watching you! Well, not watching, but, oh never mind. Anyway, you
two brainless toads, I thought I'd start out this week with an experiment
I cooked up. You see, last week I was listening to Foreigner in the lab
while I was isolating some of Mother's plasma proteins, and while turning
the bass up to 'thump' volume, I came up with this: The Gel
Electrophorequalizer. You just load your music samples onto the gel, hook
up the electrodes, and...(gel lights up with LED equalizer band patterns)
Mike! Are you paying attention up there?

enter Gypsy on SOL

Gypsy: Hey, Tom! Hey, Crow! What are you guys up to?

Tom: (Whispering,not looking at G.) Shh!

Gypsy: What do you mean, shh!

Crow: (whispering, etc.) Gypsy, be quiet! You're ruining it for
everybody!

Gypsy: Ruining what?

Tom: (whispering) Gypsy, it's the first annual Satellite of Love Living
Art Display and here you are screaming like nobody's business! Be quiet!

Gypsy: Art! You guys aren't art!

Crow: (whispering) Gypsy, we're doing a living demonstration of the
famous vase or two faces illusion, and I'd appreciate it if you would
just (turns his head and shouts) BE QUIET! (Turns back to look at Tom)

Gypsy: I don't see a vase.

Crow: Look again.

Gypsy: Nope, no vase.

Tom: (terse) Gypsy, it's a foreground/background illusion. You have to
be able to focus your attention on one image, and then the other, until
you get to the point that you can switch back and forth between both
images in your mind at will. Now, do you see our two faces in the
foreground?

Gypsy: Yes.

Tom: Now, do you see the vase in the background?

Gypsy: Nope.

Tom: That's why we have the black backdrop, to avoid confusing and
irrelevant details which might stand out and hinder the illusion. Look
for the vase on the background.

Gypsy: I don't see any vase.

Crow: Try unfocusing your vision, like when you look at those 3-D
dinosaur pictures...

Gypsy: Crow, I don't have binocular vision!

Crow: Well, try anyway!

Gypsy: Hmmph! Boys! (exit Gypsy)

Tom: You know, Crow, maybe we just aren't quite symmetrical enough to
pull this off...

Crow: Nonsense, Tom! You've got a beak-thingy...I've got a beak-thingy,
you've got a bubble head, I've got-

(flushing sound)

Tom: Shh, Crow! Here comes Mike! (they assume the position)

Enter Mike

Mike: Hey, guys, what are you up to? ...Oh, hey, it's the old vase or
two faces trick! That's great!

Crow: You really mean it, Mike?

Mike: Sure, I mean, look at that. I mean...hold on a second...

Exit Mike

Tom: What the...

Enter Mike with really misshapen vase

Mike: See, look, it's my fifth-grade pottery project. OK, Tom, turn
back towards Crow. Crow, you raise up about an inch or two...there!
Look! (holds up vase against background...it matches)

Dr. F (looking on): Oh, dear. Mother, send them the post!

<Flashing light>

Crow: Aaaa! We got Usenet sign!

(Tom and Crow run frantically, knocking the vase out of Mike's hands.
It falls to the floor with a crash. Mike looks dejectedly at the
camera...)

> Dahell Kind Of Scam
> Courtesy of Diane Thorne
> ______________________________________________________

> Hello Diane,

Crow: Cut! Cut! That's _Dolly_! All right, again from the top!

> Let me introduce myself. My name is Ben Aein.

Mike (ala Schwarzenegger): I'm not a tu-mor!

> Now you may be asking yourself

Tom: What is that large automobile?

> where you know me from.

Mike: A new collection of depressing short stories from Raymond
Carver!

> Well we haven't really met, yet.

Crow: I bagged your groceries a few times.
Tom: Remember that guy who rear-ended you on the freeway?
Mike: You know how sometimes the phone rings and there's
nobody on the other end?
Tom: I drive your kids' school bus.
Crow: Go to your kitchen window and look out to the left. That's me.

> I hope this does not freak you out,

Crow: In the 70's, freaking out was good...

> but I am your brother,

Tom: Luke! Somehow I always knew...

> well half brother, but who's counting? :')

Crow: So, genetically, you're only as closely related to me as my
father's twin brother's illegitimate children? What's your point?
Tom: Everybody's half-brothers in Dixie.
Mike: Do half-brothers taste like Half-and-Half?

> I do not want to cause you any pain,

Mike: What do you mean? This is already as painful as Wes Craven's
New Nightmare.

> but I just learned that I had a sister tonight,

Tom: I say Ouija board.
Mike: Magic 8-Ball.
Crow: Dionne.

> and though what the heck, lets check the Internet

Mike: There's plenty of idiots there.

> and see if I could locate you.

Tom: I'm trying everybody I find on the internet, one by one.

> I'm kinda excited, to learn that I have a sister.

Crow: 'Excited'? 'Sister'? What's going on here?

> I have a cool story to tell you about this.

Mike: But we're already so jam-packed with fun it'll have to wait for
the sequel!

> We both have a brother that was born in 1966,

Crow: Yeah, what's his name? Mel Ignant?
Tom: Mel _Ignorant_ more like...

> and I was born 2/2/70,

Mike: Boy, you were a big baby!

> so I will be turning 27 in little over a week.

Crow: Time to catch up on all those years of birthday presents.

> So who am I?

Tom: I often ask myself this as I surf the 'net between slugs from
my bottle of Stoli'
Crow: Let's take the Descartes Test. Question 1: Do you think?

> Well I have green eyes, stand 5'7, 145 Lbs,

Crow: No smoking, no drugs, must be fond of large pet
tarantulas.

> dirty blonde hair.

Mike: Well, wash it for God's sakes! I didn't want to know that!

> I Graduated from the University of Maryland

Mike: So why don't you go crawl back into your shell, then?

> in 1993 with a degree in Film/Video.

Crow: So, whatcha gonna do? Teach high school?
Tom: CROW!

> I am funny and very personable.

Mike: Kind of like Woody Allen.

> I have just finished a screen play.

Crow: If it has anything to do with soup, I'm suing!

> And I am going back to school

Crow: Rodney Dangerfield! Nooooo!

> to get an MBA.

Mike: MBA - Master Bullsh*tter Award.

> I am single, but my brother got married over the summer.

Crow: Which is bad enough, but it's that fruit and vegetable
offering that's got me really steamed.

> I have a million and one hobbys and interests.

Tom: Apparently the use and application of significant figures is not
one of them.

> I am very good with my hands

Mike: In fact I'm typing with only my left hand right now...

> and love to invent stuff.

Crow: I currently live in over 200 different fantasy worlds!

> As of late I have been looking into getting some of my ideas pattented.

Tom: Like this scam where I e-mail people, tell them I'm a long lost
relative, then ask for money.

> I used to do martial arts,

Mike: You might remember me as 'Ed Gruberman' from Tae Kwon Li.

> wrestle

Crow: WWF or WCW?

> and play drums.

Mike: I heard the Beach Boys have an opening.

> Now I do a lot with computers,

Crow: Did I mention the scam thing?

> reading, and pondering how
> they get teflon to stick to the inside of a frying pan.

Crow: If they can do that, I bet Rick could get that frying pan to
stick to the front side of your face.

> I do know that if you are anything like me,

Tom: You might be gullible enough for this to work.

> (had to think...

Mike: That's all right. You can take a break now if you need to.

> ...of something that could be a common trait between us)

Crow: Do you have hair? I have hair.
Tom: Wait. If he's a man and she's a woman, they couldn't possibly
be related, could they?
Mike: No, the part about the 'half-brother' leaves a little margin for
genetic variability.

> you have trouble falling asleep.

Mike: Try Nytol. I can only spend so long wondering how they get
the N to turn into a Z before I doze off.

> I can't fall asleep because my brain will not turn off when I lie down.

Crow: That's because Smith and Wesson had the foresight to install
the human power switch externally. Ask at your local sporting goods
store.

> That's when I get a lot of problem solving and creative work done, at
> the expense of sleep.

Crow: Actually, it's just that the internet connection isn't as busy
after midnight.

> Oh ya, we love to sleep in as much as possible,

Mike: 'We'? Quick! Pick a personality!

> trying to get 9-10 hours per night.

Tom: Do you sleep to emulate the great cats, or just to avoid your
pathetic life?

> I was a bit on the Hyper side as a kid,

Tom: But now I'm in the HYPO business...I sell medical supplies...
Get it?
Crow: Shut up, Tom.

> and I loved to get into everything.

Crow: Shoot, you should have spent more time in the clothes dryer.
Tom: Or the microwave.
Mike: Or the garbage disposal.

> Oh, just thought of another trait we may share.
> Being Sqweemish about blood and yucky icky gross stuff.

Mike: You know, for a 27 year old, you're pretty 10.

> I would really like to know more about you.

Tom: For instance, we can start with your credit card numbers.
Crow: My bank PIN is my birthday, 2270, what's yours?

> I am not trying to dredge up painfull feelings and by no means
> do I wish to bring our real mother into this if you do not wish to
> deal with that subject.

All: Foul! Boo! Hiss!
Mike: 15 yards and loss of down for questioning parentage.

> I am writing to get to know my sister.

Tom: Don't forget the part about alienating her.

> My beautiful, intelligent, and warmhearted

Crow: Generous...Did I mention generous?

> sister...
> Diane
>
>
> Thank you
> yer baby brother Ben...

Crow: Ben Fakinit!
Mike: Come on guys, let's go.
Tom: Oh, wait, wait, there's a postscript!
Crow: Oh, I hate it when that happens!
Mike: Is everybody quite settled?
Crow: Quite.
Tom: Quite.

> P.s. What do you do at Lockheed?

Mike: I work hard to keep this country free, so that idiots like you can
e-mail me with your pathetic stories...don't know why I bother, really.

> got any SR 71's laying around that need a good home, err hanger? ; ' )

Crow: No, but I got four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. Will
that do?

(Back in the front of the SOL)

Mike: Well, Dr. F, that wasn't so bad. You're going to have to do a lot
better than that if you expect to-

Dr. F: Shut up, booby! That post was so familiar...in fact, it was just
like the very first letter Mother sent to me. Where's the button?!?
Where's that darn button?!?

<hits button>

Dr. F: MOOOTHER! GET IN HERE!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Courtesy JSJ1TG

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Recently Shelby brought me to the floor with this uplifting comment:

"They both have the word ELEVATOR painted on them in big white
letters so people won't mistake them for something else, like a pop
machine."
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