MiSTed: James Cameron A Go-Go (1/3)
Roland Warner
I've gone through and tried to fix any margin errors, but I hope it
works fine! Enjoy!
Roland, cyanide capsules not included, Warner
-----
[In the not too distant future...]
[*...!1!...~2~...#3#...&4&...^5^...%6%...@]
[Mike is standing behind the table with Tom on his left and Crow on
his right. All of them have chocolate stains around their mouths, and
Crow's staring off the screen, lost in his own little world, as
usual.]
Crow: Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Mike: [Licking his fingers] Hey everyone, Mike Nelson here with my
pals Tom and Crow. We found this batch of "Funder-eggs"-
Tom: Aren't they called "Kinder-eggs," Mike?
Mike: [Whispering] Shh, remember the lawsuit?
Tom: Oh, right. "Funder-eggs" then.
Mike: Anyway, We found this batch of "Funder-eggs" in the load-pan bay
while cleaning it out. These little hollow chocolate eggs have
little capsules inside them, which contain these eensy little
toys that provide amusement for about five seconds before you
realize you got royally ripped off. Supposedly, it's illegal to
sell these things in America due to the enormous choking hazard
of having kids force these capsules, which are about two inches
around, down their throats.
[Mike reaches down and pulls out a little green fire truck.]
Mike: Mine had this neat little fire truck in it! [Pushes it around]
Vroom vroom! [Nervous laugh.] Heh. Heh. It's fun, see? VROOM!
VROOM! FIRE FIRE FIRE!
Tom: Um, Mike, could you take your mind off your deluded imagination
for a moment and pull my toy out from under the table please?
Mike: CLANG CLANG-Wha? Oh, sure.
[Mike reaches under the table and pulls out a poorly assembled...
something]
Mike: Gee, um, it's...nice, Tom. What is it?
Tom: I'm not quite sure. The directions said it was supposed to be a
Panda, but mine ended up being an ashtray.
Mike: And I bet they send a lot of ashtrays out in a children's toy.
How about you, Crow?
Crow: [Idly] Kitty, kitty-oh, what were you-kitty-saying?
Mike: Your Funder-egg, what toy did you get in it?
Crow: You mean-kitty-there was something-kitty-in that delightfully
chocolate-kitty-thingy?
Mike: Yeah, the child-digestable capsule, what was in it?
Crow: Um, that would-kitty-explain why it was so-kitty-crunchy then!
Mike: [Gasps] Crow! You weren't supposed to eat the capsule! Your
special toy was in it!
Crow: Well, don't-kitty-look at me! All I saw was kitty a chocolate-
kitty-yummy egg and ate-kitty-it!
Mike: [Sighs] I'm going to take a guess and say your toy was a
"kitty", and it's messed up your vocal wiring.
[Mads light flashes.]
Mike: This is gonna take me a while to fix, folks, so let's see what
these guys are up to. Yes, Egg of Pearl? [Hits the button]
[Castle Forrester - A long dining table is placed in the center of the
room, with a tablecloth on it, and chairs placed along its sides.
Pearl is seated at the head of the table and notices the camera.]
Pearl: Oh, Hi Nelsonian, welcome to my Freemason party.
[SOL - Tom and Mike have Crow pinned to the counter. Mike is holding
a pair of needlenose pliers]
Crow: [over & over] Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Kitty!
Tom: Shake a leg, Nelson, he's stronger than he looks!
Mike: I'm doing it, okay?!? [To Pearl] Did you say a Freemason party?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: No, I said a Freemason Party. Turns out Bobo's a Freemason -
no one knew until we went through his closet while making room
for my new torture chamber. Anyway, we came across his robes
and after Bobo explained it to us, we decided to have a little
fete celebrating the wonders of Masonicdomerry. Brainy is going
to use his brain-powers to create a feast, and Bobo's phoning
all his mason buddies. Too bad your pal James Cameron couldn't
make it - he's off shooting Dark Ansel Adams or something.
[rubs her hands together] And I've been waiting half an hour,
and no one's shown up! No one bettter...
[Suddenly a loud "clang" rumbles through the castle.]
Pearl: [Nervous] It's them! Bobo! Brain Guy!
[Brain Guy enters from the left holding his brain with a chef's hat on
it. He's wearing an apron stating: "Kiss the Super-intelligent
Highly-Evolved Bodiless Chef". Bobo enters from the right wearing a
purple robe with yellow stripes down the sides, and a big fez with the
words "Master Chimp" on it.]
Pearl: Bobo, answer the door and show the guests in.
Bobo: Oh boy! The last time we got together, we stayed up watching
all the great Ape movies. I wonder if they brought over
"Dunston Checks In" again? [Rushes off to answer the door.]
Pearl: And Brain Guy, do your thing!
Observer: Yes mum.
[Observer walks over to the table, shakes his head, *brainmusic* and a
sudden delicious feast fit for kings appears on the table.]
Pearl: That is so cool!
Observer: [Sheepish] Shucks ma'am, 'taint nuthin' a'tall!
Pearl: [puts on a Burger King crown] And remember, when Bobo shows
them in, I'm "Queen Pearl", got it?
Observer: Right. [Aside] Queen of Clubs, at any rate.
[Bobo enters, followed by a group of Freemasons, played by Kevin
Murphy (Kev), Jim Mallon (Jimmy), Mike Nelson (Mark, wearing a pair of
dark glasses), Paul Chaplin (Pat), and Bill Corbett (Will). All of
them are dressed like Bobo.]
Mark: [Holding up a six-pack] I brought the brewskis!
Pat: [Holding up a video rental case] I got the movie, "Dunston Checks
In"!
Will: This is gonna be so awesome, the gang back together again! WOOO!
PANTY RAID!!
Pat: Wait, where's the chicks? Bobo, you said you'd bring the women!
Bobo: Um, well, I said there was *a* woman here, and, um, this is her.
Lawgiver, meet Kev, Jimmy, Mark, Pat, and Will.
Will: [Aside to the other Freemasons] Cancel the panty raid.
Pearl: Ah, how do you do? I'm Pearl, soon to be Queen of the World!
Jimmy: "Soon to be" you say? And what "plans" do you have for world
domination, praytell?
Pearl: Well, you'll witness my experiment soon enough, for you see, my
son shot a man into space and has been forcing him to watch the
worst movies and read the most awful fanfics and conspiracy
theories ever! [Lightning strikes off screen, illuminating
Pearl's face.]
[While Pearl's ranting, a few of the Freemasons wander over to
Observer and start poking at him and his brain.]
Observer: Please don't poke there, I'm very sensiti-Ooooh. [collapses]
Pearl: A-HEM! I was talking here!
[The Freemasons wander back to Pearl.]
Kev: Conspiracy theories, you say? Say, I think I happen to have a
few conspiracy theories on me! [Searches his robe.] I *know* I
brought them here - it was the last thing I picked up on my way
out of the temple and - Ah, here they are!
[Kev hands Pearl two computer disks.]
Pearl: Great! Brain Guy, get your Crisco-y butt over here!
Observer: [Running] Yes, Pearl!
Pearl: Mike, prepare to meet thy doom as you read... [checks the disk
label] Not *this* again?!?
Pat: Hey, a conspiracy's a conspiracy, you know?!?
Pearl: Yeah, but... *sigh* Okay, Smellson, here's "James Cameron,
Mars, and 33 Degrees" and "James Cameron and the Hollywood
Matrix"! Send 'em the disk, Brainenator!
[*brainmusic* Poof, disk is gone!]
Pearl: What is it with you guys and James Cameron anyway?
Mark: He helps ramp up the chick-factor!
[The Freemasons surround the table and start wolfing down food.]
Will: I call dibs on the wishbone!
Pearl: [shakes her head, then turns to the screen.] Okay, you three -
IN THE THEATER, NOW!
[SoL - Mike tosses the Funder-egg "Kitty" on the table.]
Tom: You've got to be kidding me? MORE CAMERON??
Crow: [Looking at Kitty] Mittens, are you eating Gerbils again?
Mike: What was that about Cameron Diaz, Tom?
Tom: Weren't you guys listening? JAMES CAMERON IS ON THE
LOOSE AGAIN!
[Lights Flash, chaos ensues]
All: AHHHH PEREZ.KOOK SIGN!!!
[@...%6%...^5^...&4&...#3#...~2~...!1!...*]
Tom: My Funder-egg Panda is scared.
Crow: My Funderwear needs changing.
Mike: You're outta luck there, Crow.
> JAMES CAMERON, MARS AND 33 DEGREES
Tom: [Announcer] It's a long par 5 on Mars with James Cameron 33
degrees to the left.
>
> On August 14th, 1999, the Mars Society held a conference at the University
> of Colorado in Boulder, Colorado regarding the issue of a manned mission to
> Mars.
Mike: Marvin the Martian was later questioned and released in
connection with the Jon-Benet Ramsey case.
> Among several invited speakers to this event was James Cameron.
Mike: Also invited were George Takei and Rosie O'Donnell.
>
> It has been previously established in The James Cameron Conspiracy Theory
> and the James Cameron 33rd Degree Mason papers,
Crow: Not to mention "James Cameron: Judgement Day"...
Mike: "James Cameron and the Temple of Doom"...
Tom: "Oh, James Cameron! You Devil!"...
> that Cameron is a 33rd
> Degree Freemason. His career, as it was shown in those papers, was
> influenced by two warring factions of Freemasonry known as the Law of One
> and the Sons of Belial.
Crow: [Author] But mostly, their war consisted of calling each other
names like "Sissy Pants" and "Stinky Butt".
> This rivalry within Freemasonry traces it's roots
> back through various secret societies to Atlantis and to the Anunnaki,
Tom: o/` I did it all for Anunnaki - for Anunnaki - for Anunnaki! o/`
> the
> progenitors of the human race. All of this was outlined in the JFK
> Celestial Conspiracy paper.
Mike: [Author] Which I'm sure you've all read, memorized, and are
ready to take a test on!
>
> Cameron, who had joined the Mars Society back on February 22nd, 1999, is
> currently working on two projects relating to Mars in the form of a TV
> miniseries for the FOX network
Tom: To be entitled "When Martians Attack".
> and a motion picture about Mars.
Crow: Thrill as DiCaprio & Winslet make whoopee on board the Viking
lander!
>
> At 10:20 AM Mountian Daylight Time on Saturday, August 14th, Cameron began
> his speech with an enthusiasm about exploring Mars. At this time, a
> celestial alignment had taken place over Boulder, Colorado which symbolized
> Cameron's current status as a 33rd Degree Mason.
Mike: I dunno, can you really call an airplane pulling an "I'm King of
the World" banner a "celestial alignment"?
> The star Sirius was
> located at 33 Degrees above the Southern Horizon!
Tom: [Kosh] And so it begins.
Crow: With all the evil Hollywood has to offer, why do we always seem
to come back to James Cameron?
Tom: You know, Mike, if you hold my hand during the scary part, it
doesn't mean you're gay.
Mike: I'll keep that in mind, Tom.
>
> In ancient Egyptian Mythology, the star Sirius was symbolic of the goddess
> Isis who was the wife of Osiris and the mother of Horus.
Crow: Ah, the goddess of Pre-Giuliani Times Square!
> The ancient
> Egyptian Pantheon of gods are an intricate part of a celestial symbolism
> ritual
Tom: *And* a part of this nutritious breakfast!
> used by those who are at the highest levels of Freemasonry to mark
> significant events and achievements by high-ranking members of the
> fraternity.
Tom: Of course, the low-ranking members symbolize it by panty-raids
and keggers.
Mike: Ancient Egyptian Kegger! Wooooo!!
All: WOOOOOOO!!!!!!
>
> This ritual has been exposed by Richard C. Hoagland who is the head
> of the Enterprise Mission,
Mike: Scott Bakula *IS* Richard C. Hoagland *IN* "Star Trek:
Enterprise".
> an organization dediated to find out the
> truth about America's space program. Hoagland has uncovered and posted on
> his website a consistent pattern of ritual symbolism used by Masonic
> "insiders" at NASA which is intricately connected to the timing of NASA
> missions and events.
Crow: If you read it on a website, you know it has to be true!
>
> This ritual symbolism takes place at five main alignment altitudes
> according to the model uncovered by Hoagland, at 19.5 Degrees above and
> below the horizon, at 33 Degrees above and below the Horizon and exactly on
> the Horizon.
Mike: Connect the dots to find a picture of "Big Boy".
> 19.5 Degrees has been established as the primary number in
> Hyperdimensional Physics. 33 Degrees is symbolic of the highest degree
> attainable in Freemasonry.
Tom: And Associates Degrees have been proven really easy to get from
your local community college.
> Therefore the star Sirius being located at 33
> Degrees during a speech given by 33rd Degree Mason James Cameron was no
> accident or coincidence.
Crow: The galaxy put it there *deliberately*!
Tom: This was no boating accident!
>
> An extended celestial symbolism model with seven points(the same number of
> symetry spins of a tetrahedral), as proposed by Daniel Perez would also
> include 39 Degrees above and below the horizon since it is the perfect
> number in Freemasonry,
Tom: So then why aren't there any 39th degree Masons?
> twice the amount of the hyperdimensional 19.5
> Degrees and the distance in latitude between 19.5 Degrees North and 19.5
> Degrees South of a double tetrahedron inside of a sphere.
Mike: It's also 7 degrees above the point at which water freezes.
Tom: Coincidence? I think not!
>
> The Masonic insiders, who Richard refers to as the "Honest Guys" and
> "Secret Guys",
Crow: And the ultra-secret "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Conspiracy Place".
> are part of the same Masonic rivalry pointed out in the
> previous papers on James Cameron as the Law of One and the Sons of Belial.
> The Law of One want to bring a "Pax Humana" to the world while the Sons of
> Belial want to extablish a totalitarian "New World Order".
Mike: Oh yeah, the wrestlers!
Tom: [Rock] DO YOU SMELL WHAT POLITICS THE ROCK IS PROMOTING?
>
> By the end of the James Cameron Conspiracy Theory, it was shown that
> Cameron was finally on the side of the Law of One.
Crow: Minus the evidence, except for the cheesy astronomical maps on
the website
> In the James Cameron
> 33rd Degree Mason paper, it was shown that Cameron was in danger of being
> once again manipulated by the Sons of Belial.
Tom: And on "Dick Clark's Celebrity Bloopers and Practical Jokes", it
was shown that Cameron easily fell for the old "dribble glass"
trick.
> It is now obvious that
> Cameron is being manipulated again.
Tom: By the same person who got him to guest star on "Mad About You".
>
> Continuing on into the speech to the Mars Society, Cameron went on to
> ridicule the notion that there are alien ruins on Mars or life beyond the
> Earth by stating;
Mike: [Cameron] Hah! Oh boy, you guys really believe that stuff?
Hell, this MK-ULTRA works better than I expected! I just wanted
to brainwash people into seeing my movies.
>
> "Mars itself has been dangled before us by literature and film for over a
> century as the world of mystery and romance. Burroughs' fantasy realm of
> Deeja Thoris and John Carter
Crow: And don't forget "Tarzan in Space"!
> ... Wells' cold and implacable Martians
> striding across London in their tripod war machines ... Bradbury's ancient
> Ones sailing in their sandships
Crow: Gardner Fox's stately J'Onn J'Onnz...
Tom: Tim Burton's Slim-Whitman hating head exploders...
Mike: Ray Walston's wise old uncle Martin...
Tom: Oh, Ray!
Mike: It's okay, honey.
> ... and of course the B movies of the
> fifties ... Mars Needs Women, Angry Red Planet, Invaders from Mars ... the
> fantasy life of Mars has been rich
Crow: Mars often imagines itself flying like Superman or dating
Christina Ricci *and* Cameron Diaz.
>
> The Mariner and Viking missions produced a letdown ... no crumbling ruins
> of ancient wonders ... no alien race, either threatening or
> benign-and-wise. And no solid evidence of life.
Crow: What's with all the dots between the sentences, Mike?
Mike: Oh, those are just the things the author is cutting out that
might add some insight or relevance to helping you understand
what Mr. Cameron's saying.
>
> It took 15 years for us to get over this rejection of our adolescent
> impulses, and only now are we starting to fall in love with Mars again ...
Mike: I remember when Mars wore braces and had this flat chest and
now...
Crow: Mars was a late bloomer.
> only this time it is a mature love, a real and lasting love, based on
> understanding and realistic expectations.
Crow: Not to mention an iron-clad prenup.
Mike: It's the one thing Cameron's learned all too well over the years
> But like any great love, it must
> be fueled somewhat by mystery, and Mars still holds many great mysteries
> for us."
Mike: Mars likes to make us *guess* what it wants for its birthday.
Tom: Say, wasn't this supposed to have Cameron ridiculing Mars? All
I see is a bunch of poetic mumbo jumbo.
>
> It's interesting that Cameron referred to the Viking Missions as a
> letdown in regards to alien ruins on Mars and called the idea of
> extra-terrestrial life an "adolescent impulse".
Crow: [Teenage boy] Dudes! I totally busted up Mars!
Mike & Tom: [Teenage boy] Dude!
>
> In 1976, the Viking 1 Space craft had taken photographs of an area called
> Cydonia.
Tom: Wow, they took a picture of Cydonia's area?
> In this area several anomalous and enigmatic objects were seen,
> most notably a one mile long face and several large mounds resembling
> pyramids. NASA tried to dimiss the Face as a trick of light and shadow, but
> diligent work by Victor Dipetro, Gregory Molenaar, Richard C. Hoagland,
Tom: [Werner Klemperer] Ho-o-o-o-oaglund!
> Erol Torun and many others have found consistent mathematical alignments
> encoded into the layout of the "Face" and "Pyramids"
Mike: Particularly after they've had too much "drink" at "bar".
> which show beyond all
> reasonable doubt that the structures at Cydonia are artificial and NOT a
> "trick of light and shadow".
Crow: Hah! That's what the Vorlons *want* you to believe!
>
> A recent picture of the Face taken by the Mars Global Surveyor on April
> 5th, 1998 showed even more evidence of artificial design.
Mike: The tulip gardens and the parking deck were dead giveaways.
> The artificially
> of these objects prove the existence of intelligent life beyond the Earth.
Tom: Of course, there's always the possibility it's all an elaborate
gag that Shirley MacLaine is perpetuating from lifetime to
lifetime.
>
> In the mundane everyday world, Cameron's rejection of life elsewhere is
> very bizzare for a man who had made films about alien life.
[All snicker]
Crow: Yes, any time you make a movie, you *must* buy into the reality
of the premise, unreservedly!
Tom: Which means Spielberg is almost as goofy as Roger Corman.
Mike: Yeah, but it says uncomfortable things about Coleman Francis.
[pause]
All: Ewwwwwwww!
> Cameron started
> his career with a low-budget film about extra-terrestrials called
> "Xeno-Genesis"(birth of an alien species) which has symbolic overtones of
> Zecharia Sitchins work regarding the Anunnaki, had made a sci-fi horror
> film called "Aliens" and finally made an intelligent film about alien life
> called "The Abyss".
Mike: Yeesh, not another summary of James Cameron's career.
Tom: Hey, maybe this time Dr. Cameron and James Cameron will be the
same person!
>
> When you view this contridiction through the information on these pages and
> Cameron's previous manipulation by the Sons of Belial, it all makes perfect
> sense.
Crow: Especially when the mood-altering drugs kick in.
> Cameron was being manipulated again by the Sons of Belial when he
> indirectly debunked Cydonia. But the fact that Cameron mentioned "alien
> ruins" at all was confirmed by another celestial alignment.
Tom: [scrolling back up] You know, he also said "the" and "romance",
maybe he could've been talking about his love affair with Mars!
Mike: Egads, what will he try to twist around next? Cameron's trying
to coat Mars in lip balm?
>
> A the same time Cameron began his speech, which would have been at 16:20
> Hours Universal Time, the star Regulus, the heart of the constellation Leo,
> was located at the hyperdimensional 19.5 Degrees above the SouthEastern
> Horizon as seen from the plains of Cydonia.
Crow: Okay, it's safe to say he's pulling this out of Uranus now!
Hah-ah!
Mike: [Slowly shakes his head]
>
> In ancient Egyptian symbolism, the constellation Leo was associated with
> the god Horus. Horus is memorized in Egyptian mythology for avenging the
> death of his father Osiris by defeating the evil Seth.
Mike: [Ingio] Hallo, my name eez Horus Montoya. You keeled my father.
Prepare to die.
> Horus was known to
> the ancient Egyptians as "Horus the Red" which connected him to the planet
> Mars.
Tom: But what about Carrot Top and Kathy Griffin? They have red
hair, so maybe they're aliens from Mars!
Crow: That would explain a lot, Tom.
> The consistent connections between Regulus, Leo, Horus and Mars at
> Cydonia during Cameron's Sons of Belial manipulated speech shows that the
> debunking was intended to "hoodwink" anybody who wants to find evidence of
> alien life on Mars.
Crow: Hey, pal, I catch you winking at *my* hood - oooh, you're just
lucky my chick's here, is all!
>
> The most prominent feature at Cydonia, the Face , also had it's own
> alignments at the beginning of Cameron's speech. Mintaka, the third belt
> Star of Orion, was located at 19.5 Degrees above the SouthWest Horizon and
> Sirius was on the Horizon.
Tom: How the hell is he getting all this stuff?
Mike: Tom, honey, don't question it, remember last time?
>
> Sirius, as previously shown represents the Egyptian goddess Isis who is the
> mother of Horus.
Mike: Plus, she had her own Saturday morning show with Shazam!
> The constellation Orion symbolizes the god Osiris, the
> father of Horus. Together Isis and Osiris procreated Horus the Red(Mars).
Crow: If you hadn't read it the first time, you're reading it now!
>
> These alignments show that the intentions of James Cameron inspiring people
> to go to Mars was genuine while the indirect debunking of the artifacts at
> Cydonia was influenced by the Sons of Belial.
Crow: [Cameron] So, to sum up, go to Mars - IF YOU DARE!!!
MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Hey, was that inspiring or what?
> Only continous intervention
> and guidance of Cameron's future plans by the Law of One will prevent him
> from falling to the "dark" side.
Crow: Sounds like he wants to be granted legal custody of James
Cameron.
Tom: Wait, is James Cameron the good guy or bad guy? I thought he
was doing all that brainwashing with the dentists and the
MK-ULTRA and stuff? WHERE IS THE LOGIC? WHERE IS THE SANITY?
WHERE IS MY HEA-
[Tom's head explodes]
Mike: [sighs] I warned him.
Crow: Poor guy, let's get him out of here.
[Mike picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.]