MiSTed: Stolen Memories (12/29)
Rottweiler
> ****************************************
CROW: It's an asterik chorus line.
> Alistair awoke from his dreams of the Matriarch to find
> a soft warm body wrapped around his.
MIKE: (Alistair) Apparently, I've been mistaken yet again for a
mattress.
> He didn't panic, more
> than once he'd awaken to find a Felistian/Terran male or
> several curled up beside or around him.
TOM: I wonder why the Felistians forced the Sacred Band of Thebes into
sex
slavery.
> They like to sleep
> curled up against something, either a body cushion or a nice
> warm body.
CROW: I bet the Felistians have a big "Say no to sleeping in the
Sunlight"
campaign going on right now.
MIKE: Legalize it!
> Looking down at the head that rested on his chest, it
> took a moment for him to recognise the dark curls that
> capped it.
TOM: (Alistair) Did I get drunk and sleep with Howard Stern last night?
> Gently as possible he disengaged the sleeping
> young man and slipped a body pillow into his embrace
> instead. The young man moved about restlessly having been
CROW: ...whipped with a willawong til the blood came.
> denied the warmth and rhythmic beating of the Terran heart
> he'd snuggled up to in his sleep to find comfort in.
MIKE: The Felistians might want to buy some old alarm clocks then.
TOM: Can't he just listen to ocean sounds or something?
> Alistair sat up and brushed the sleep from his eyes,
CROW: His shaving razor's cold and it stings.
> yawning and stretching
MIKE: And scratching his neck with his hind leg and licking himself.
> to check out the harem
TOM: At his local library.
> with an eye to
> the dangers the other men presented to the innocent beside
> him on the bed.
CROW: Goldilocks?
> One or two of the Fusions were languidly
> looking their way as the lay curled languidly on soft silken
> cushions.
MIKE: Bes and Ai Apaec look on.
> There was never much going on in their heads.
TOM: They were network executives.
> Thoughts
> of food and pleasure about covered it. When they weren't
> eating or bonking like rabbits
CROW: Bonking? Hitting each other over the head with mallets?
> they were sleeping, and worse
> they weren't picky about whom they slept with - figuratively
> and literally.
MIKE: No wonder they got the Dennis Rodman Seal of Approval.
TOM: So they're like average members of the Alpha Kappa Gamma frat?
> Alistair mentally filed their languid appraisal away
> under D, for dangerous.
CROW: Because filing it under W for dangerous would've been confusing,
to
say the least.
> It would pay to keep an eye on those
> two.
MIKE: It would only pay minimum wage, though.
> The young man's movements beside him drew his attention
> back to the bed.
TOM: He'd forgotten to use the bedpan, again.
> He was stirring.
CROW: So it twasn't the night before Christmas.
> Opening his eyes to look
> about. A radiant smile lit up Alistair's face.
MIKE: It wasn't quite a gigawatt - Alis got that from her mother's side.
> At last he'd
> crossed over
TOM: At this point, a crossover is the LAST thing we need.
> from catatonic to responsive. There was hope
> for him yet.
CROW: And after a few more months of electroshock therapy, he should be
as
good as new.
> Alistair watched as the young man looked his way then
> flushed from hairline to toes grabbing the pillow to hug it,
MIKE: Then the pillow tells him it just likes him as a friend.
> as if he recalled snuggling up against him for warmth and
> comfort. Alistair sent a friendly little smile his way.
TOM: FedEx - when it absolutely, positively has to get across the
bedroom
overnight.
> "I'm a doctor,
CROW: Not a soldier!
> or at least I was.. I'm the closest
> thing this harem has within it's walls to medical
> attention.
TOM: (Alistair) I've seen just about every episode of _Ben Casey_ and
_Medical Center_.
> Which is what I've been giving you these last few
> weeks... There was a time, I wondered if you'd pull
> through."
MIKE: And you didn't even tell Lizbeth you were coming.
> Julian relaxed only somewhat, and turned his gaze away
> from Alistair to check out his surroundings.
CROW: (Julian) Say, this place isn't so bad for a Motel 6.
> He noted the
> two Fusions
TOM: Hot and cold.
> looking his way and hugged the pillow tighter,
> his flush draining away along with all his colour leaving
> him as white as the sheets he lay upon.
MIKE: But not nearly as white as Michael Jackson.
> Alistair grabbed a
> pillow and flung it across the room.
CROW: Alistar is a master of the Ancient and Deadly Art of Pillow-Fu.
> With deadly accuracy
TOM: I just wanted to point out here that the phrase "deadly accuracy"
was
just used to describe a pillow fight.
> it
> landed on one of the pair who jumped half a foot,
MIKE: Assault with a deadly pillow.
> then came
> down on all four to slink off,
CROW: (singing) But the cat came back, the very next day...
> tail wagging somewhat
> menacingly.
MIKE: (Fusion) You win this round, Julian, but I'll be back with some
feathers and a Cookie Monster doll.
> Alistair ignored it. It was all for show.
TOM: (singing) There's no business like show business, no business I
know...
> He was
> the biggest man in the harem.
CROW: (singing) Macho, macho man...
MIKE: They're going for a Guinness record for puniest harem, I guess.
> None of the men could take him
> on his own.
TOM: He reigned supreme as master of the pillow fight.
> And they rarely, if ever, worked together to try
> and over power him.
CROW: Since that would require as much intelligence as a lion or wolf.
MIKE: The lesson - "Use teamwork to hurt old guys".
> He laughed at the thought, he was the king
TOM: It's good ta be da king.
> of this
> castle.
CROW: Castle Greyskull?
MIKE: More like Castle Numbskull.
> So to speak.
TOM: Well, he was king of this room, more or less.
> Julian looked at him as his laughter rang out.
MIKE: (Alistair) Oh, that Ryan guy on _What's My Line?_ is SO funny!
> "W..what's..so funny?"
TOM: (Alistair) Last night's _Just Shoot Me_. That George Segal is a
riot!
> "Oh... nothing you'd understand, son."
MIKE: (Alistair) Mark Russell is a bit over your head, junior.
> "I'm not your son."
CROW: And don't call him daughter!
> "You'd prefer it if I call you boy," Alistair responded
> reaching out to ruffle the beard that had sprouted over
> Julian's jaw during the last few weeks.
TOM: (Alistair) Or I could call you "children".
> "This fur on your face tells me you're not a boy,
MIKE: (Alistair) You're a girl with hormone problems.
> you're a young man..."
> "M..my name's...
CROW: Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
> Julian. Julian Bashir."
TOM: (Julian) I like my drinks shaken, not stirred.
> "Well Julian, my name's Alistair.
MIKE: (Alistair) Ms. Jackson if you're nasty.
> Dr Alistair Mender.
CROW: With a last name like Mender, your only career options are doctor
and
cobbler.
> You can either call me Doctor, Doc, or Alistair..
TOM: (Alistair) Or you can call me Ishmael.
> Take your
> pick.
MIKE: (Julian) My icepick?
> I'll call you Julian."
CROW: And he'll call the wind "Mariah".
> Julian's eyes turned positively huge - and his skin
> turned red as the flush raced across his body.
TOM: Suddenly he's a character in a Tex Avery cartoon.
> Alistair
> wondered what had caused that reaction and looked about the
> room. He couldn't see anything to cause it.
MIKE: Have you considered that the problem might be an odor?
> The Fusions,
> both off them, had slunk off to the bathing room, probably
> to get up to their second favourite activity after sleeping
CROW: Solving complex electrodynamic wave field equations?
> - sex.
CROW: Oh.
> "Y..You're.. The Princessa's Father.."
TOM: Mel Tillis IS Julian Bashir in _Smokey and the Bandit: The Next
Generation_!
MIKE: He's just talkin' 'b-bout her g-g-g-generation!
> Alistair's head whipped around so fast
CROW: Quick, get an exorcist!
> Julian scrambled
> back across the bed till he backed into the wall it rested
> against.
(TOM, imitating Julian, whimpers like a dog)
> "What did you say?"
ALL: HE SAID "Y..YOU'RE.. THE PRINCESSA'S FATHER.."!
> "Y..y.. you're th..th..the Pr..pr..princess..ssa's
> f..f...father.."
MIKE: (Julian) Oh, and by the way, th-th-th-that's all folks!
> Julian stuttered, even worse than the first
> time, extremely nervous now.
> "Why do you say that?"
CROW: (Julian) I didn't want to! The authors made me!
> "H..her n..name is..
TOM: (Julian) J-John... J-j-jacob... J-j-j-j-jingle... h-h-heimer...
sh-sh-shmit...
> Alistairyen Mender... Just like
> yours.. Sh..she has eyes...
CROW: I would certainly hope so!
> Just like yours.. And hair.. And
> height."
MIKE: (Julian) And a doughy physique... just like yours.
> Alistair closed his eyes. She'd named her heir after
> him.
TOM: She hadn't named her heir Dweezil or Moon Unit.
> Thank God.
CROW: You're welcome.
> It gave him hope that maybe all her promises
> were more than just pillow talk.
MIKE: (Doris Day) Well, if we do get married, I suppose I could name my
Prime Heir after you.
TOM: (Rock Hudson, Texan) Well, that'd be mighty fine, I suppose.
Reckon
we'll have to go slow, though. How about next
Thursday?
> Maybe she did love him just
> as much as he loved her.
CROW: Or maybe she just wasn't very creative at thinking up names.
> If nothing else, she cared for him,
> she had to, to have named her Prime Heir after him.
MIKE: I wouldn't name a prime rib after him!
> Julian watched Alistair warily. Slowly he relaxed.
TOM: Step by step, inch by inch...
> He
> wasn't angry. In fact he looked happy.
CROW: IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?!?
MIKE: I think we're watching a Geico commercial.
> Alistair's eyes
> opened to look at him again and he smiled in a friendly
> fashion.
TOM: (Julian) This is the perfect time to tell him I had unprotected sex
with his daughter!
> "I've never met my daughter, I take it you have since
> you know her name and can describe her."
CROW: (Julian) Well, she's this cat-like being, but they all look alike.
MIKE: (Julian) Besides, I wasn't paying much attention to her FACE, if
you
know what I mean...
> Julian wondered if Alis' father would be so friendly if
> he know his was the lover of one of his daughters and rape
> bait or the other.
TOM: (confused) "If he know his was the lover?" "Rape bait or the
other?"
Was this translated from Cantonese into English or something?
> Alistair noted the flush fade then
> reappear.
CROW: This toilet bowl cleaner just isn't working right.
> He wondered why.
MIKE: ...fools fall in love.
> At first he couldn't figure it
> out.
TOM: (Alistair) Could the kid be cheating at Poker? Naaaahhhh.
> The idea that this young man and his daughter might
> have been breedmates occurred to him.
CROW: He also considered the notion that they might just be pen pals.
> But then, if that was
> so, why was the young man blushing.
MIKE: Because he'd run out of question marks.
> No one blushed around
> here.
TOM: Blushing was illegal in Singapore.
> Not about sex anyway.
MIKE: Oh, so they live in a daytime soap opera.
> It was a part of their everyday
> life in the harem.
CROW: That and eating, sleeping, and licking themselves.
> Then he considered something else.
TOM: He was missing _Matlock_.
> This
> young man wasn't a Fusion. He had no tail, fangs or claw
> sheaths.
MIKE: Alistair has been Julian's nursemaid for weeks and he's just now
figuring this out?
> He had to be pure Terran.
CROW: (Alistair) Az oppozed to an impure Terran. Seig heil!
> And a recently captured
> one at that.
TOM: His "Best if Used By" date is next week.
> He gave Julian a look of pure sympathy.
MIKE: 99.44% pure sympathy?
> Julian wondered
> what was going on in his head.
CROW: We ALL wonder what's going on in your head, Julian.
> "You're new here.. To the Harems and Felistia, aren't
> you, Julian?"
> Julian nodded.
TOM: (Alistair) As the welcoming committee, I'd like to give you this
fruit
basket and some coupons for local businesses.
> "How long have you been in the empire?"
MIKE: (Julian) Since the end of the Clone Wars.
> "A m..month... Maybe two.. I..lost track of the time.."
CROW: (Julian) The same thing happens when I play Quake.
> "The first time's always the worst time, Julian.
TOM: All the customs officials and quarantine laws...
> They
> teach you a harsh lesson.
MIKE: (Alistair) That the Easter Bunny isn't real.
> To show you what will happen if
> you don't do what they want."
CROW: When they say "juggle", you say, "How many objects?".
> Julian's flush deepened.
TOM: Enough of this toilet talk, story.
> "After that, if you submit to their will and give them
> a good time between the sheets, they'll treat you decently.
MIKE: They'll only rape you on even-numbered days.
> Oh, now and then they might claw you.. More often they'll
> bite you.
CROW: Or bury you in some kid's sandbox.
> That can be pure heaven or pure hell depending on
> the bio-chemical state your in at the time."
TOM: Which is to say, "While you're here, stay toasted".
> Julian didn't really know what that meant.
MIKE: (Julian) One of my teachers at medical school mentioned it. What
did
he say? Hmmm...
> Seeking
> answers he pounced instead on the statement that there was a
> difference.
> "I... D..don't un..understand why.. It was different.
TOM: (Julian) How could loving, consensual sex be different from rape?
> When Alis..bit me.. It hurt at first, but then..
ALL: It went zoom when it moved, and pop when it stopped, and whirred
when
it stood still...
> It blew my
> mind away..
MIKE: Groovy!
CROW: Far out, man!
TOM: Outtasight!
> It was, " His eyes glazed with remembered
> passion, "Heaven...
CROW: (singing) ...is a place on Earth.
> And it never hurt again after the first
> time."
MIKE: (Quentin Tarantino) Hence, "Not Like a Virgin".
> Alistair's brow went right up.
TOM: (Alistair) I'll never be able to get that off the ceiling.
> "But..when her sister did it... It was pure agony..
> Every time... It was like.. Being.. On fire..
CROW: (Ken) Shoryuken!
> Not that I
> know what being on fire feels like..
MIKE: (Julian) Well, there was that one time when I plummeted into the
sun,
but aside from that...
> I just.. imagine it
> feels like that." Julian said babbling.
TOM: Why keep on imagining what it feels like to be set on fire? Why
not
SET yourself on fire and find out for sure? I'll get the gasoline!
> Alistair understood. He wondered for a second if the
> sister he spoke of was his offspring or another man's. He
> pushed the thought aside; he didn't want to think about one
> of his daughter's being capable of the atrocious deeds
> Julian had revealed to him the night before.
CROW: She made him watch C-SPAN.
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Planet Bumper]